Trials of the Heart
by Hope4thehopeless
Summary: Married long before arriving in Seattle, Meredith and Derek's marriage has nearly collapsed. On the edge of divorce, both hope that the damage inflicted can be healed. As lies, secrets, and heartaches surface from past and present, Meredith and Derek face the question of whether or not they really have a chance to repair the damage to their marriage...89000 views...
1. I: My Blood

**Author's Note: **

**I know that this idea has probably been done before, but I couldn't help myself. I want to explore the idea of Derek and Meredith being married from the start. This chapter covers 1x01, 1x02, 1x03.**

**Summary: **

_Once happily married, Meredith Grey-Shepherd can no longer stand the way her marriage has faded away into nothing in a few short months. Deciding she's had enough, Meredith takes the steps to end things between her and Derek. When the cause of their misunderstanding is revealed, the question of whether or not she and Derek really have a chance to repair the damage to their marriage leaves Meredith wondering if things can be fixed or if she'll be forever haunted by their one last night..._

* * *

**Chapter I**

"…_Alarms will ring for eternity  
The waves will break every chain on me  
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now  
And God knows it's the only way to heal now  
With all the blood I lost with you  
It drowns the love I thought I knew…"_

~ "My Blood" – Ellie Goulding

_June 14, 2005_

Meredith Grey-Shepherd had been married long enough to know when something was seriously bugging her husband.

Having met her husband at twenty, she'd known from the start that the odds would always be stacked against them. A twenty-nine year old, fourth year resident, and a twenty year old pre-med student had been an odd sort of combination, but his family had supported them. His sisters became her sisters and Mark Sloan had practically become a brother to her. Within two years they'd gotten married and they'd supported each other. Through thick and thin, they'd gotten through the best and crappy things that life had to offer, but at that moment, Meredith wasn't sure about the future. She wasn't sure what was happening to them. At the beginning of April, Derek had suddenly announced that they were moving to Seattle. He'd simply told her that he'd gotten the job as the head of the Neurosurgery Department at Seattle Grace Hospital. A few phone calls and she'd been able to transfer her residency across country, but Meredith had been haunted by an awful feeling the whole time. It was as if something deep inside her had been saying that something horrible was going to happen.

That premonition had come true in the form of her internship.

New York seemed like a dream compared to what was happening around her now. In New York, they'd been so happy. A brownstone near Central Park and the family that surrounded them was gone. Meredith still was able to call his sisters and her friends, but it wasn't the same thing as seeing those people in person. It had all changed one night in February when he'd come home late one night from a surgery, something had been different. They'd been at dinner with Mark and Addison when he'd gotten a page from the hospital. Something had been off then, but Meredith had ignored it. The next day, Derek had been moody and distant with her. Thinking that he'd lost his patient, Meredith had called Addison to get a pedicure done with her, but just mentioning Addison's name had sparked the mother of all fights between them. Since that day, Derek had been cold towards her. Meredith couldn't understand what had happened. Two months later in April, Derek had come home and announced that they were moving to Seattle for a job opportunity that he'd been offered by Richard Webber. Meredith had been angry, but for the sake of peace between them, she had agreed. The next week had been her graduation from medical school and Derek had missed it for a surgery that a resident could have done.

Alone, she'd packed up their life and had moved across the country with him. He'd bought them a trailer to live in along with forty acres of land. Isolated, the trailer felt uncomfortable and closed off from the world. On their second day in Seattle, Derek had started working at the hospital and she was reminded all over again of his residency. In a few short months, they'd gone from happily married to having stepped into some alternate reality. Pulling off her gloves from Katie Bryce's surgery, Meredith fought back tears. For the first time, she seriously wondered if her marriage was over. She hadn't learned anything from the surgery. Instead, she'd been subjected to a humiliating interrogation. Derek had fielded questions at all of the interns, but he'd reserved the hardest ones for her. His questions had been incredibly complex and when she hadn't answered them as quickly as he'd liked…Derek had been harsh. He'd yelled at her for not being prepared. The look on the faces of everyone around her had been pity and it had been humiliating.

She'd thought that he had been giving the impression that he'd been leaning towards leaving her, but she'd dismissed it.

Two weeks before starting her internship, Derek had told her that it would make their lives easier if she took her maiden name at work. Being call Grey instead of Shepherd would lead to less confusion among the staff. It had been impossible to disagree with his logic and she'd agreed. After her very first surgery though, Meredith wondered if there had been another reason that Derek wanted her to be 'Doctor Meredith Grey' instead of Shepherd. Scrubbing out and escaping, Meredith walked blindly down the hall towards the intern locker room. Empty, she let out a sigh of relief as she pushed a bathroom stall open and closed it behind her. Sinking back on the door, she ignored everything around her and closed her eyes. Tears prickled the back of her eyes and she refused to let them fall. She wasn't going to give Derek the satisfaction of knowing that he'd gotten to her. He wasn't going to get anymore tears from her. In the past few weeks, he'd gotten enough tears from her to fill an ocean. She had nothing left to give him because she'd given him everything that she possibly could. For six years they'd been married and she'd given him every part of her. Even the past few months, she'd tried to give him everything. She'd tried to go on like nothing was wrong and it hurt to finally acknowledge that nothing was okay like she'd told herself it had been for so long. Denial had been the one tool that she'd used to get through the past few months and Derek had shattered the final wall that kept her denial in firm place. Taking the blue surgical cap off her head, Meredith jumped at hearing the door to the locker room open.

"Can you believe him? What an ass!"

The voice of Isobel Stevens floated to her ears and Meredith silently agreed with her. Her dreamy husband was an ass.

"Can you imagine how he is with his wife? God! I wouldn't want to be in her shoes," Cristina Yang scoffed in response. "Dude is probably just as much as an ass at home."

"I feel bad for her."

Meredith nearly snorted at Izzie's words. The world had no idea that she and Derek were married. They had no idea that he'd been an extremely loving husband until a few short months ago. They had no idea. Changing her name to Grey had prevented anyone from even guessing. Despite the fact that she had figured out Derek's case on the first day, Derek's little stunt in the OR had thrown anyone off the path of guessing they were even remotely together.

"He isn't such a dreamy guy, is he?"

"He's an ass." Stevens agreed. "Where do you think Meredith went?"

"Probably hiding away so she never has to see his face again," Cristina said as she slammed a locker closed.

Hearing both women leave, Meredith stood up straight and let out a deep breath. Her first instinct was to call Addison and have it all out over a bitching session, but she didn't want to look weak. She could call any one of his sisters and complain, but that would look bad. Complaining about her attending on the first day to the attending's family because he was being an ass wasn't something that she wanted to be a part of. Instead, Meredith silently told herself that Derek was having a bad day.

Deep down, she didn't believe a word of it, but it was the only thing that she could tell herself.

* * *

Meredith stood folding the laundry from the dryer. It was late and Derek wasn't home yet. In the past, he always called or had a scrub nurse call to make sure that she knew he would be late. That was the past. Now, not calling or anything was normal. It was normal for him to sleep on the very far side of the bed…that was if he even slept at home. He was always up before her to make sure that they didn't have interactions that were more than a few syllables. They drove separately to work and Derek made sure that they didn't even take the same ferry. Hearing the phone ring, she grabbed her cell phone and looked at the screen.

_Mama Shepherd._

Hitting the silence button, Meredith ignored the guilty feeling in her chest. Derek's mother had been calling nonstop leaving messages and wanting to know how things were going in Seattle. The only thing that Meredith knew was that if she picked up the phone, Mrs. Shepherd would see through the walls that Meredith had managed to put up and the tight control that she'd had over her emotions would crumble. She couldn't afford for that to happen. If Derek saw any weakness, she was sure that he'd use it to his advantage. She'd never fought with him like they were. He'd never acted towards her the way he was acting now and Meredith wanted him to have as little ammunition to hurt her because all he seemed capable of doing was hurting her these days.

* * *

_June 18, 2005_

"She's gonna spend a hell of a long time in recovery and rehab if she even makes it through this," Derek announced as the stood in surgery. Meredith stood with her arms crossed as she watched both Burke and Derek work to save the rape victim's life.

"She's made it this far," Burke commented with optimism. "She's a warrior. See her hands? She fought back."

"Her rape kit came back negative. She kicked his ass!"

"Her name is Allison." Meredith spoke up and instantly regretted it.

"You shouldn't get too attached to your patients, Doctor Grey," Derek spoke up. "It's unprofessional."

Meredith looked down at her feet because she didn't even want to look at her husband. His words didn't hurt. It was the tone and the cold way he said it that hurt...the look in his eyes. She heard Burke announce that he'd found the cause of the rupture and looked up. Her eyes went wide knowing exactly what Burke had just pulled out of Allison.

"Oh my God," Meredith murmured. "She bit it off."

"What?" Burke asked looking confused.

"That's the guy's penis," she told Burke.

Forty-five minutes later, Meredith was sincerely regretting ever identifying the man's penis. She now had custody of the damn thing and she wanted nothing more than to leave it alone. Derek had assigned her all of his cases while he sat with the girl and made sure that she was okay. He'd also assigned her to do some of his department paperwork which he knew that she disliked. Being forced to read boring summaries about surgeries and research wasn't something that she enjoyed doing. She'd have to make further summaries about what she'd read and hand it off to him by the end of the day. The only reason Derek had assigned her to do it was because she knew what she was looking for. He'd brought home plenty of department work in the past and in the past it had always ended up with them having sex in the living room. Meredith very much doubted that she'd be getting a happy ending out of doing Derek's work. Looking into the ICU room where Allison slept, she easily spotted Derek by the door watching the girl sleep.

"How is she?" Meredith asked softly. "She hasn't woken up?"

Derek looked up at her words and he couldn't hide the annoyed look on his face very well. Meredith wanted to flinch at the look he gave her. Six months ago, he would have greeted her with a soft smile and instead of an awkward silence they'd be softly speaking about Allison's outcomes. Derek would then ask her how her day was going and eventually he'd tease her about carrying around a guy's severed penis all day. However, that wasn't going to happen. Standing in silence for a moment longer, Meredith opened her mouth to speak again.

"I-"

"If you need more work to do I am sure I can find you something," Derek cut her off. "I don't need you hanging around like a lost dog. Go, Grey."

Meredith took one hard look at the bed where Allison lay before shaking her head and leaving. She wanted to yell at him and throw an object at him. Never before in the six years that they'd been married had she ever wanted to physically inflict pain on him, but today she did. His words were like poison between the two of them. Turning the corner, she nearly walked into Burke and grinned because he was just the surgeon that she needed to see about a baby.

* * *

_June 19, 2005_

It was early in the morning when Meredith made her way back to the ICU. She had been right about the baby's heart murmur and Burke was letting her in on the surgery. Derek had never come back to the trailer the night before and she suspected that he'd stayed and monitored Allison.

"Have you been here all night?" she asked gently as she set the coffee she'd gotten for him down on the small desk that he was working on from outside Allison's room.

"Yep," Derek said in a short, clipped tone. He didn't say anything else and the hope that had been inside her that morning died a little more. Every day, Meredith woke up hoping that it would be the day that Derek would act like his normal self. She hoped every morning that he would explain exactly what was happening. Every day, he disappointed her and Meredith was being to feel like a car accident victim. The constant whiplash was beginning to hurt her. His words, looks, and coldness were wearing on her last thread of hope. Looking at him, she wondered if they were beyond saving. For just a moment, Meredith entertained the thought of leaving him and found that she liked the idea better and better every time she thought of it. It would mean that she didn't have to spend her time worrying about Derek. She wouldn't have to feel like she was walking on egg shells around him all the time. There wouldn't be any worrying about him having the chance to hurt her anymore. Meredith could hear Addison and Derek's sisters in her head telling her that she was running, a habit that she had long since broken, but she didn't care.

She wanted to run.

Being around Derek was painful and it wasn't like it used to be. The trust that had once existed between them had been completely severed and there was a great canyon of space between them that seemed insurmountable to pass over. More so, Meredith wasn't even sure that she wanted him back. She wasn't sure that she wanted to have her name next to his on bills or party invitations. She wasn't sure that she wanted to continue to sign their names together on birthday cards or thank you cards after Christmas.

"There's this baby in the nursery upstairs. He's brand new. No one's neglected him or damaged him yet. How do we get from there to here? She's wearing shoes that are exactly the same as my own...someone has beaten the crap out of her. She's got nobody." Meredith said to him softly, "I have to go. The police want the penis."

She turned swiftly on her heel and walked away from him before he could see her tears. She wasn't going to allow him to see her cry. She was done crying. She was done with Derek Shepherd. Knowing what she had to do, Meredith opened her phone as she got on the elevator and dialed.

"You've reached Addison Montgomery, if this is an emergency please hang up and call 911. If not, please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible. Thank you."

Disconnecting the call, Meredith let her head rest against the wall of the elevator and silently begged Addison to call her back. She needed advice about how to go about getting a divorce from across the country.

* * *

Derek stood at the nurse's station on the phone. He was giving orders to a resident, but his mind was elsewhere. Meredith's coffee that she'd delivered sat untouched before him and it wasn't because he didn't want it. Quite the contrary, he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to down the coffee that he knew had two sugars in it. Meredith always knew how he liked his coffee. He could remember the long hours of his own residency and he'd lost track of the number of times she'd brought him coffee. If anything, it should have been him bring her coffee.

No, he wasn't drinking the coffee because he didn't deserve it.

It had been months since that fateful February night when he'd overheard his sisters and Addison discussing her separation from Mark. Addison had sat and praised Meredith to the high heavens over her support and subsequent role in the breakup. He'd grown sick listening to Addison call Meredith a 'friend and a true sister'. The whole thing had left a sour taste in his mouth that hadn't gone away since. That night, Mark's excessive drinking had finally made sense and hearing that Meredith had played a role in the breakup of his best friends' marriage had sent Derek seeing red. The next night, he'd gotten a page from the hospital later over dinner where he'd forced himself to act normal. After surgery, he'd overheard a few of the scrub nurses talk about the breakup and it had sent him back to the angry dark hole that he couldn't seem to remove himself from. He was angry at her because Mark was his brother and it felt like she had betrayed him as well. Every time he saw her, all Derek could see was Mark seated with a glass of scotch drowning his pain. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair that Addison was able to be so happy after the separation. It wasn't fair that Addison and Meredith went shopping and laughed so freely while Mark hurt. It hadn't started as being intentional and it never was, but every time she came around him, Derek felt like he had no control of himself. He was short with her and he could see the hurt in her eyes.

At home, he ignored her and half the time, he didn't know what to say. He'd tried to come up with something to say. Every time he thought he had the words, Mark's face would flash before his eyes and all the anger he'd thought he was over would return. Deep down, he knew that it was irrational of him to blame Meredith, but she had played a part in Mark and Addison breakup. His friends had barely been married a year when he'd overheard the conversation between Addie and his sisters. A day later, Mark drunkenly confirmed the announcement. Neither he nor Meredith had let on that they'd known anything. Instead, they'd let Addison and Mark take them out to dinner. That night had changed everything and Derek wasn't sure how to return things back to normal. It was exhausting being angry at Meredith and he just didn't know how to stop. Looking up, he saw Allison slowly waking up and hung up the phone. He crossed his arms over his chest and stepped into the room with a gentle smile on his face. She was fighter and he had no doubt that she would overcome what had happened to her. Derek could feel it deep in his chest as he watched her blink tiredly at the ceiling.

"Welcome back," he told her softly.

* * *

_June 21, 2005_

"Morning, Doctor Bailey," Derek greeted as he took a sip of his had already been gone when he'd woken up. It wasn't unusual anymore for him or her to wake up alone with cold sheets. He'd started the avoidance process and she was simply following the behavior that he was giving her. There had been one too many times that they'd been together and there simply wasn't enough space in the trailer for two people to get ready. They had tried and it had ended with him yelling at her and Meredith slipping into the shower. Derek had heard her muffled sobs and he'd left.

"Shut up."

"You realize that I'm an attending and you're only a resident? You work for me, remember?"

"I know I've forgotten something. Something is happening today. I know I should, what it is, but I just can't…" Bailey trailed off and Derek shook his head. He liked Bailey. He was happy that Meredith was Bailey's intern because Bailey was a good resident. Oh, he'd dreamed of the day that he'd be able to take Meredith under his wing, but he doubted that she'd be letting him teach her anytime soon.

"Nice talking with you, Bailey."

Before he could take a step, a biker whizzed past him and Bailey yanked him back.

"Watch out, Doctor Shepherd!"

She began mumbling about idiots and natural selection as Derek looked around him. People sped past them on bikes and cars honked their horns.

"Dead Baby Bike Race!" Bailey exclaimed heatedly. "I knew it! Bunch of damned fools on bikes trying to kill everyone else!"

Derek looked at Bailey like she'd grown a third head before stepping off the curb and crossing the street to the hospital. He was hoping to have a word with Richard about flying back to New York for Christmas this year and wanted to put the request in as early as possible. His cell phone had begun to erupt with phone calls from his mother and sisters begging to know when exactly he and Meredith would be back for a visit. There was one thing that Derek had learned being surrounded by so many women and it was always to have an answer prepared before stepping into the fray. The only small blessing that Derek could think of was that his sisters and mother didn't have his pager number or his office number to get a hold him.

* * *

"This is a surgical case and you know it!" Meredith shot back angrily at Alex.

She wasn't in the mood to play games with him. She'd been up half the night debating on whether or not to call Addison again and ask for help with finding a good divorce lawyer in New York considering that was where she'd been married. It had only been three days, but Meredith felt as if a weight had been lifted off her chest knowing that she'd finally come to terms with what she needed to do. Oh, there had been plenty of tears and crying. The shower had been her only cover when Derek was around. Knowing that she was doing the right thing was hard, but after four months of living with Derek and being shut out, Meredith was done. She was running and she wasn't going to let him back in.

"It's totally superficial," Alex said as he pushed the curtain out of the way and looked at the young British guy that was the patient. Quickly, he yanked the small pieces of metal out of the guys abdomen and Meredith resisted the urge to scream.

"How do you know that those didn't rupture his peritoneum?" she demanded as she watched Alex drop the metal prongs into a metal dish.

"Just sew him up," Alex scoffed. "Let him get back to his race."

"Good man!" the Brit yelled as Alex walked away leaving Meredith flabbergasted at what Alex had just did. Something inside told her that he was having internal bleeding and quickly, Meredith secured a private room for her to treat the man in. Gathering supplies and quickly fixing the bleeding, Meredith shook her head as she tried to talk the guy into letting her take him down for tests. Derek had once told her to always go with her gut instinct and in this case, her gut was telling her that this guy was going to die because he wouldn't let her take him for a C.T. scan.

"I really think that you should get the tests," Meredith sighed again as she nearly finished putting in the last stitch. "It's important."

"No, thank you, darling," the man grinned as he tried to flirt. "And by the way, you are a rockin' babe."

Meredith raised her eyebrows at his words and couldn't help but to smile. She was flattered and it had been a long time since any guy, including Derek, had told her that she was good looking. She felt the familiar rush knowing that someone wanted her. The warm feeling she always felt inside when Derek told her she was beautiful surfaced and Meredith couldn't help but to push the feeling away. Derek wouldn't be saying those words to her anytime soon and if the divorce worked out the way she had it planned in her head, the only time they would ever see each other would be in a professional capacity.

"Seriously?" she asked him as she arched brow. "Do you actually think you have a shot?"

"Oh, I'd like to think that I have a shot anywhere."

She would give it to the British man, he was certainly a first class flirt. Trying once again to convince him to have a C.T. scan, Meredith rolled her eyes as he declined her request and insisted he had to get back to the race.

"Why? You can't win now anyways."

"Doesn't mean that I can't cross the finish line," he grinned. "There is a party at the finish line…do you wanna meet me there?"

A blush crept up her checks and Meredith shook her head, "I'm married."

"So? It's never stopped me before. Besides, the frat guy said I could go."

"The 'frat guy' and my husband are asses. Doesn't mean that they're right about everything."

"Oh, marital discord, love. Come have a few drinks with me and we can talk it over."

Rolling her eyes again, Meredith grabbed a clip board that had the A.M.A on it that she'd wisely grabbed before beginning her sutures.

"Sign this."

"Anything for you, love."

He quickly signed off as Meredith threw out her supplies and he stood up. She watched him walk towards the door before turning back and taking to quick strides towards her. His hand cupped the back of her neck and his arm encircled her waist. His lips crashed into hers and for one moment, Meredith let herself enjoy it. She let herself enjoy the feeling of his soft lips against hers and the way his stubble felt against her skin. All too soon, the kiss was over and he pulled away with a cocky grin on his face.

"For good luck, love."

In a heartbeat, he was gone and left her smiling like an idiot in the middle of the room. Stripping the bed of the sheets that the British guy had been lying on, Meredith turned towards the laundry bin and stopped. Derek stood in the window with his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl firmly planted on his handsome face. He walked towards the door and opened it. Swallowing hard, Meredith mentally prepared herself for whatever crap he was going to throw her way.

"Kissing patients now? That's _really _professional, Grey," he mocked.

"Are you jealous, Derek?"

She purposefully used his name hoping that he'd respond to it and think of her as his wife, not an intern. God, she missed getting to be his wife.

"I don't get jealous."

"You know what?" Meredith snapped back as she put her hands on her hips. "That's the first time that I've been kissed by a guy in five months, Doctor Shepherd. You're ruining my high right now."

Derek looked like he was about to say something back, but Meredith pushed past him towards the door. She wasn't going to stick around and listen to him. He was going to say something hurtful and after five months of listening to him say hurtful things and snap at her, she couldn't deal with it any longer. It was flattering that a guy wanted to kiss her just for the hell of it. He'd kissed her for good luck and for a whole brief second in time, Meredith had felt special. She'd felt for a single moment the way Derek used to make her feel with one look. It wasn't quite the same, but it had come close.

He'd given her a feeling that she wasn't sure she was ever going to feel again.

* * *

Staring at the phone sitting on the bed in the empty trailer, Meredith let out a long breath. She knew that Derek wouldn't be home anytime soon a trauma had come in and even though she'd caught it in the E.R., Derek hadn't let her in on it. Bailey had been the one to break the news and Meredith could still vividly recollect ever single second.

…_Standing in the middle of the locker room, Meredith tried to process what Bailey was saying._

"_I don't know what the hell you did to the man, but he don't want you anywhere near his surgeries." Bailey announced as they stood alone in the locker room. "He made it very clear to me that you were going to get the minimum needed hours with him, but that I should be sticking you in other areas. You have any idea what you did, Grey? Shepherd mentioned something about unprofessional behavior."_

_Meredith felt her bottom lip quiver slightly as she shook her head negative. She had no idea what she'd done. Oh, she'd kissed the biker, but she didn't think that he'd actually kick her out of his O.R. _

"_Well, if it's worth anything to you," Bailey continued. "I think the man is an idiot and his wife is a fool for marrying."_

"_I am a fool," Meredith agreed as Bailey's eyes went wide. "I am a complete and utter idiot."_

_Bailey stood there in shock simply taking in Meredith's words…_

Quickly, Meredith had explained everything to Bailey. Both being married, Bailey had understood what Meredith had been talking about. Being sent home sucked, but Meredith had been grateful. It gave her time alone to think and call Addison. Picking up the cell phone and dialing, Meredith sighed in relief at hearing Addison's voice.

"Meredith! I'm so happy you called. How's Seattle?"

Just hearing the other woman's voice was too much and Meredith promptly broke down into tears as she collapsed down on the bed. In one long breath, she spilled out everything that had been happening in the past few months. She explained how Derek had been treating her with no known cause and she explained how he'd been treating her at the hospital. Addison listened as she sobbed over the phone for nearly an hour about how her life had fallen apart and how she was living in a trailer with a husband who clearly didn't want her around. The worst part of the conversation came when Addison let out a deep breath over the phone after Meredith had managed to calm herself down.

"What do you want to do, Mere?"

"I think I want a divorce," Meredith admitted out loud for the first time since she'd considered it a few days prior. "I don't think I can keep doing this, Addie. I can't do this."

* * *

**Leave your cheers, jeers, rants, raves, and reviews!**

**Let me know what you think! Next time, 1x04, 1x05, 1x06...**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	2. II: Everybody Hurts

**Author's Note: **

**Thank you for the support! Can't believe so many people favorited, followed and left a review! I replied to everyone's review at the bottom. This is a MEREDITH AND DEREK STORY. There was some concern amongst reviewers and I thought that I'd clear it up now. I know that Derek too is being an ass, but he WILL get better. I promise!**

**Also, I'm not sure how often I will be updating, but please don't expect it to be this quickly in the future.**

**ALL ERRORS ARE MY OWN. SORRY!:( **

**Thank you!**

**H4TG**

* * *

**Chapter II**

"…_Everybody hurts some days  
It's okay to be afraid  
Everybody hurts Everybody screams  
Everybody feels this way  
And it's okay…"_

~ "Everybody Hurts" – Avril Lavigne

_June 23, 2005_

Meredith smiled to herself as she walked down the hallway.

Her morning had been good so far. There had been no one on the ferry this morning when she'd left for work and traffic had been relatively light at four in the morning. She'd gotten a cup of coffee and everything felt wonderful around her. She was slowly becoming friends with Yang and Izzie. George was sweet and had a crush on her, but despite that she liked him. The only problem was that they didn't quite fill the hole in her chest that was hemorrhaging. She missed her family out East. She missed Mark and Addison and the Friday dinners that they always had. She missed Manhattan and the busy city. More than anything, Meredith missed the home that she'd built with Derek. She missed the Brownstone near Central Park. They'd built a life in that townhouse that had become home. Pictures had been hung on walls and they'd celebrated Christmas in the living room with their family. There was a normalcy about that house that she craved.

"So, think you'll get stuck on Shepherd's service today?" Cristina asked as they stood at their lockers getting ready a few minutes later.

"I hope not," Meredith admitted truthfully. She was having a good morning and Derek would ruin it for her. She still had no idea why he was acting the why he was and Meredith wasn't so sure she wanted to know. Her husband was like a bear and she had no intention of poking the bear with a stick.

"God, he is such an ass."

"Maybe he improves on further acquaintance," Izzie supplied before Meredith could say anything. "He's married so he must be nice to someone."

"Shepherd? No." Cristina said with the shake of her head, "I'll bet you anything that his wife married him for his money. Who the hell would want to be married to an ass like him? Forget McDreamy, he is a McAss."

Meredith silently answered that she was married to him and that Derek wasn't always an ass. At the moment, he was her jackass. Closing her locker, she followed Izzie and Cristina towards the door and continued to listen.

"At least McDreamy is a hot jackass," Cristina said mockingly. "The universe works in strange ways. Bet you he's a ten in the sack like the he has you screaming kinda sex."

Meredith nearly snorted as she turned the corner. Izzie had given Derek the name 'McDreamy' and the name had stuck. Everyone had begun to call him that behind his back and the beauty of it was that Derek would never know who they were talking about. Keeping her eyes down, Meredith saw a pair of black Nikes and came to a halt. Derek nearly ran into her and Meredith's eyes went wide hoping that he hadn't heard what Cristina had been saying. She liked Yang. Meredith liked how up front and unapologetic she was. It was going to make Cristina an amazing surgeon, but Meredith was already on Derek's shit list for some unknown reason and she didn't want to give him anymore reason to keep her at number one because that was pretty much where she was.

"Y-y-you're here early," Meredith stammered as she turned down the hallway and moved away from the door so none of the other interns could hear their conversation. The only person who knew about their marriage was Bailey, who had been surprisingly understanding about the whole thing. Maybe it was because Derek was being such an ass to her and Bailey felt sorry, Meredith wasn't sure. All she knew was that Bailey had sworn not to tell others about their marriage and it made her breathe a little easier.

"I have a chordotomy at five," Derek answered as walked beside her in the hallway and sipped on his coffee. "Did you have breakfast before you came, Doctor Grey?"

"Why?" she asked as she gathered her hair into pulled it into a ponytail.

All the while, Meredith was trying to figure out if he'd been awake this morning when she'd been having her morning cry in the shower. It was actually very therapeutic. but the thought that Derek had been awake to hear such a thing was mortifying. She had been certain that he'd been asleep. He'd been lying on his stomach with a pillow tucked under his head and the sheets around his waist. Despite all the changes in their live, the one thing that hadn't changed was the fact that Derek slept naked. It was like being a sugar addict in a candy store and being told not to eat anything. Coupled with the fact that Derek hadn't touched her in months, Meredith was starving for physical affection. That kiss from the British biker still burned on her lips, but she wanted more, so much more. She wanted Derek's hands on her body and she wanted him kissing every inch of her skin. There was a pleasure that she craved that only Derek could give her release from and he was denying her it. Pushing those thoughts away quickly, Meredith looked up at him as they walked down the hallway.

"Just curious," he answered with a shrug. "I swore I smelt grilled cheese this morning when I was in the shower."

"I had the other half of the sandwich that I didn't eat last night." Meredith admitted as they came to stand in front of the elevator. "Satisfied? I warmed it up in the microwave. That's probably where the smell came from."

Derek winced dramatically before hitting the button for the elevator. "That's sad. Actually, it's pathetic. I don't know how you eat as bad as you do and remain as skinny as you do. I've never figured that out in the six plus years I've known you. How do you not have diabetes with all the candy and crap you eat? Hell, what is your blood pressure? You're not going to keel over in an O.R. from a heart attack, are you?"

Meredith narrowed her eyes at him for a moment. His words weren't the usual teasing that he gave her right before he handed her a chocolate bar and a kiss. In New York, Derek had been an enabling partner in crime when it came to her chocolate addiction. Now, his words sounded serious. Standing there with him, Meredith felt incredibly self conscious of her body.

"Thank you, Doctor Shepherd, for your wonderful words of wisdom. Enjoy your chordotomy, you're going to be late for it," she told him quietly and before Derek could say another word, Meredith walked away. She slipped her hand into her lab coat pockets and could feel the wrapper to a chocolate bar in her pocket. Oh, she much rather have tequila, but being married meant that she had to be responsible. Instead of drinking, she'd taken up eating chocolate. The perfect morning feeling that she'd been having felt as if it had come to a screeching halt and she was sure that her day was probably going to be worse.

* * *

"I think it's a tumor," Meredith said as she stood next to Derek. He scrubbed into Jorge Cruz's surgery and watched the man on the table.

"Just because you hear hooves beats don't think it's a zebra," he told her in an annoyed tone as he moved towards the O.R. He wore the ferry boat scrub cap that she'd bought him for his birthday after he'd become an attending years before. At 35, Derek was still as handsome as he'd been at 29 when she'd met him. The fact that there was a nine year age difference between them hadn't seemed so trivial in the past, but it made Meredith wonder now. She would be twenty-seven in a matter of weeks and she wondered if Derek would even remember. He'd ignored her on his birthday and hadn't even thanked her for the beautiful antique ferryboat miniature she'd spent hours looking for online and around Seattle. He kept the damn thing in a small box in a drawer in his office and it annoyed her.

"I still think he has a tumor," Meredith argued as she crossed her arms over her chest. "You can say it's a zebra, but everything his wife said coupled with what happened today…this all points to a tumor."

"That will be all, Doctor Grey," Derek sighed as he stepped into the O.R. "Find Bailey to give you a new case."

Meredith barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. There was an overwhelm urge from deep inside at that moment that she wanted to hit Derek with something extremely heavy. She remembered Bailey's words about Derek wanting to limit her time in neuro to the bare minimum. There had once been a time when Derek had admitted out loud that the idea of her in the O.R. with him drove him crazy with arousal. Watching her husband step up to the table and speak softly with Jorge Cruz, Meredith wondered if he still felt that way about her.

Did he still think of her in that way?

Was there any part of him that was remotely even attracted to her or had that died in the past few months?

Stepping out of the scrub room, Meredith walked away from the O.R. with the resolve that she would prove herself right. Once Derek took those nails out, she was going to prove that his patient had a tumor. He thought it was horses, but she knew that it zebras. It had to be zebras. Pushing past a few people, Meredith came to stand next to Bailey as they waited together outside the elevator.

"He kicked you out?" Bailey asked with a raised brow, "I didn't think he was really serious."

"I've given up trying to figure out what he thinks," Meredith replied. "I've given up on a lot of things. Figure out what men thinking is on that list."

"Don't know why it was on your list of things to figure out in the first place."

Not wanting to be beside Bailey and having to talk about Derek, Meredith turned and walked towards the stairwell. Climbing until she reached a landing, she fished out her cell phone and quickly dialed Addison's number. She breathed a sigh of relief when Addison answered on the second ring.

"I thought about what you said," Meredith announced without preamble. "You asked me how I felt about Derek and what I wanted to do. Here's the truth, Addie. I love him. I love him so much that it hurts, but I don't think that he feels that way about me anymore. I don't think that he loves me. You're going to suggest going and seeing a therapist next and I'm going to answer that honestly as well. I don't think that it would help."

"Oh, Meredith," Addison sighed. "Why?"

"In order for a marriage to work, two people have to want it badly enough and Addison, Derek just doesn't want it. I know that I shouldn't speak for him, but I can see it in his eyes. I can tell that he just isn't happy and I don't think that therapy would work. How can it Addison when he won't even be in the same room with me longer than necessary?" Meredith said tearful as she leaned against the cold cement wall. "God, you would think I had the black plague or something! He hasn't even kissed me or anything in months."

"You two haven't had sex in how long?"

"Since before Thanksgiving, I think."

Addison let out a whistle over the phone, "Seriously?"

"It's pathetic. I'm pathetic! We moved here and I spent the first month of our stay here planning on exactly how I wanted our new house to look Addison! I went through magazine upon magazine to find everything I wanted. I planned everything from what furniture I wanted to how the freaking flowerbeds would look! I planned everything because I thought that things would change and they haven't! They've only gotten worse and I am pathetic."

"No you're not, Meredith. Just give it a little bit more time. I know your birthday is coming up. Maybe Derek will have something planned then. You just…have to have a little bit more faith."

"You and I both know that is wishful thinking and a load of crap."

"Maybe so, just hang on a little while longer. Give it another few weeks and if things don't improve, I will fly out there to help you start the paperwork, okay? I promise, just give Derek a few more weeks to get his head out of his ass."

Meredith suppressed a sob as Addison murmured comforting words over the phone before they disconnected. Crouching down and covering her face with her hands, Meredith let herself cry for a few minutes before she stood up and put her shoulders back. Mark would tell her to grow a pair and stand up for herself. She was damn good doctor and he'd boasted to everyone who'd listen saying that she'd studied under him and therefore, she was going to be a great. She was right about the tumor, even if Derek thought she was wrong. Meredith knew that she was right.

* * *

_June 28, 2005_

"You wanna tell me what the hell is going on with you and your wife?"

Derek looked up as he scrubbed out of surgery and stared at Richard Webber. The man was a mentor to him and if Derek hadn't met Richard, he would have never met Meredith. He could still remember seeing the pretty girl is a soft blue dress walking across the ballroom of the Plaza Hotel carrying a bottle of champagne and glasses. The dress had hugged her curves as she'd moved through the crowd. Meredith had come to congratulate her godfather on his award years ago while Derek had only been there to support his mentor alongside Addison and Mark. He'd been blown away by the girl in the evening gown. He'd fallen for her hook, line, and sinker. There had never been a chance to fight back and Richard had known it. He'd known before even Derek had figured out that he loved her.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Derek said stubbornly. He wasn't ready to hash out the whole problem to Richard Webber of all people.

"You and your wife! Jesus, Shep! The whole hospital can feel the tension. I heard her crying in the stairwell and you've banned her from all your surgeries. Limiting her time in the neuro O.R.! Jesus, Shepherd! She's brilliant and bright! She could easily be one of the best neurosurgeons in the country by your side and you're pushing her out of surgeries!"

Derek didn't say anything because Richard was right. Meredith was one of the best. She had the drive and the potential that not many had. The only thing was that Derek wasn't willing to tell Richard what had happened in New York. He wasn't going to tell his mentor how his wife broke up his best friend's marriage. Even after five months, the anger was raw and he hurt for his brother. Mark hadn't been returning his calls and Derek wondered just how far in the bottle the man was. Richard would try and talk him into believing that Meredith wasn't responsible for the breakup, but she was. She'd talked Addison out of being married to Mark and that was unforgivable in his eyes. Mark worshiped the ground Addison walked on and he'd been devastated when the red head had walked out of their marriage. Derek had spent so much time trying to put Mark back together and help him through the breakup.

"I am not favoring her," Derek almost snarled as the water shut off. "She's learning just like the rest of them."

"Meredith knows more than all those other interns out there. God, if only we could combine her and Yang's brains."

"Did you just come here to talk about Meredith or is something that you actually need?"

Richard looked annoyed for a moment before he sighed and rested his hands on his hips, "You and Meredith have any plans for her birthday this year? It's coming up soon. End of this mouth or did you forget?"

Derek looked at Webber and remembered what else was coming up soon. He and Meredith were going to be celebrating seven years of marriage in a matter of weeks, but thinking about marriage made him think about Mark and Addison. The thought of marriage left a sour taste in his mouth and thinking about his own brought up a whole bundle of feelings that he didn't want to think about.

"Adele and I want to take you and Meredith out for dinner for her birthday. You've both been working none stop it feels like and Adele and I want to give you guys a nice night out on the town. Have a little fun! Live a little!" Richard continued with a grin. "I'm sure whatever is going on between you and Meredith will blow over."

Derek nodded, but he wasn't so sure. He wasn't sure how to look at Meredith and not feel betrayed that she'd ruined something that Mark had loved so much.

"You'll have to talk to Meredith. She's good with all the calendar stuff," Derek replied giving the answer that he gave to anyone who asked about making plans. Meredith was always good at knowing when to accept and decline an invitation for dinner. He hoped that she declined Webber's offer because Derek had no desire to sit and act happy when he wasn't. Richard nodded and left the scrub room as Rose, Derek's favorite scrub nurse, walked in. The woman was quiet and she kept to herself. Both traits Derek liked to have in the O.R., but Rose also had a sense of humor that he enjoyed.

"Are you in trouble?" she asked with playful smile. "I saw the chief talking to you."

A small smile came to Derek's lips as he crossed his arms over his chest, "The chief wants to take me and my wife out for her birthday."

"Ouch," Rose winced. "That doesn't sound fun. A night out with Webber? No, thank you."

"It probably won't be as fun as surgery," Derek agreed. "My wife is Doctor Webber's goddaughter. She'll be right at home with him."

"But you won't?" Rose asked with an arched brow as she began to scrub out.

Derek shrugged, "I do what makes my wife happy. Haven't you heard the whole 'Happy wife, happy life' think? It is true. They don't tell you that before you get married though."

Rose stared at him for a moment and without thinking, Derek stepped forward so that they were nearly chest to chest. She had pretty dark eyes and he felt a pull. His body was aching for something and he didn't know how to clench the ache that had been building up for weeks on end. Relief was all he needed, Derek just didn't know how to obtain the relief that he so desperately wanted.

"Do what makes you happy, Derek." Rose whispered as she looked up at him. "Don't do anything less than that. You deserve the best and you deserve to be happy."

Impulsively, Derek cupped Rose's cheeks and kissed her. He wasn't sure why he'd done it, but a part of him yearned for the physical contact. He hadn't kissed someone in months and he wanted to know what it felt like to feel human again. Rose's lips melted against his and just for a moment she was stiff in his arms. The next heartbeat, she was relaxed against him and her fingers were running through the hair at the nap of his neck.

_Just like Meredith did when she kissed him…_

The thought caused Derek to yank himself away from Rose. He wasn't sure what the hell he was thinking, but he knew it was wrong. What he was doing was wrong and despite the fact that he'd just scrubbed out, Derek felt dirty.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," he murmured. "I'm so sorry."

Rose looked like she was in a daze at she stared at him. Turning, Derek stalked out of the scrub room and yanked his scrub cap off. His whole world felt like it was spinning out of control and he wondered exactly what to do to make the feeling stop. Running a hand through his hair, Derek found an empty on-call room and locked the door behind him. Throwing himself onto the bed, he stared at the ceiling and tired to come up with any excuse as to why kissing Rose was okay. Instead, all he could hear was Meredith's soft voice in his head asking why he was so hell bent on ruining the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He'd already experienced the temporary horror of nearly losing everything and it wasn't a memory he wanted to repeat anytime soon…

_Derek threw his coat down on the king sized bed and sat on the edge of it. Christmas was only a few days away and the cheer outside was beginning to wear on his nerves. He could only listen to Christmas carols for so long before he wanted to drive nails into his ears. The wind outside was beginning to pick up and the snow was beginning to fall quickly as the storm that the forecasters had predicted inched closer to the city. It promised them a white Christmas._

_He'd been thankful to get home early and he wasn't on call that night. Derek was anticipating a quiet evening at home with his wife. It was all he wanted. He'd already picked up dinner which was downstairs warming in the oven and he'd gotten a good bottle of wine to go with the chicken from their favorite restaurant. Both he and Meredith were going to need a good bottle of wine because he wanted to talk to her. For the past few weeks, Meredith had been off and he was worried about her. She'd thrown herself into studying for her finals and she'd done exceptionally well. Hell, she was at the top of her class and he was proud of her, but he was worried. Mark told him not to worry, but Meredith wasn't sleeping and she was running herself ragged. All she seemed to do was either study or help Addison with the red head's research. __Slipping his expensive watch off, Derek set it down on the nightstand at his bedside. He slipped his tennis shoes and socks off before changing out of his scrubs into a pair of flannel pajama pants and an NYU t-shirt. Going to the bathroom door, Derek knocked a moment before calling out for his wife._

"_Meredith?" _

_Hearing no response, Derek turned to move away, but stopped. A feeling that he got in the O.R. was beginning to settle in the pit of his stomach and it was always right before a patient coded. Turning the door handle, Derek looked around the door at the bathtub. He couldn't see the top of Meredith's head in the water and his heart froze. Stepping into the bathroom, he called out Meredith's name again and waited. Walking to the edge of the tub, he looked down to see Meredith slumped over. Panic rose in his chest and it turned the blood in his veins to ice. Her face was towards the water and he couldn't tell if she was breathing. Not caring if his arms got wet, Derek grabbed her upper arms and hauled her thin frame up from the water. Meredith's eyes flew open and she looked startled. His heart pounded in his chest, but it was clear from the bleary look in her eyes…she'd been sleeping. _

"_What are you doing?" he breathed in a worried tone as her muscles came to her aid so she could stand. _

"_Taking a bath," she mumbled tiredly. "What are you doing, Derek?" _

"_Hauling my wife out of the water so she doesn't drown," he said in a worried tone as he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her thin frame. "Sleeping in the tub is a horrible idea. What are you doing?" _

"_I didn't intend to fall asleep."_

_Derek looked at her tired eyes and knew that she was sincere. She hadn't meant to do it, but his heart hadn't quite stopped pounding in his chest at the thought of finding his wife face down and unconscious in the bathtub. It was as if his whole world had nearly collapsed in a heartbeat and he didn't like even the idea of losing her. It sent chills through his body and his heart ached in pain at just the thought of her dying. Cupping Meredith's cheeks, he stared at her tired bluish-green eyes for a moment before softly kissing her lips for a moment. _

"_Please don't scare me like that again," Derek murmured after breaking the kiss. "You were slumped over and I couldn't tell if you were breathing or not. I think you took ten years off my life."_

"_Sorry," Meredith said with an apologetic smile. "I didn't mean to. I won't accidentally die on you by drowning myself in the tub, I promise."_

_Derek took her in his arms. She smelt of lavender and vanilla. It was a scent that he wanted to keep around him always. Just breathing in her scent was enough to calm his pounding heart._

"_Please, can we not even joke about that?" Derek murmured as he drew back to look at her blue-green eyes. Sometimes, he didn't think she quite understood how much she meant to him. She was his whole world and the love of his life. Sloan constantly teased him about using the phrase 'love of his life'. Mark just didn't understand that Meredith was it for him. If he lost her, Derek was sure he'd never be able to love another person again. She was the brightest star in his universe and she was his sun. If he lost her, he had nothing…_

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Derek wasn't sure what to think anymore. He loved Meredith. There was no question of it. He loved her, but he couldn't seem to forgive her for interfering with Mark's marriage. There was anger inside of him that he'd never experienced before and it was directed at his wife. It almost felt like he wanted to make Meredith suffer for what she'd done to Mark. Oh yes, she was the love of his life, but Mark was his best friend since they were children. Meredith couldn't erase the twenty plus years of friendship that existed between him and Mark. Just knowing that she had helped Addison leave Mark made him quake with fury. Mark had been doing so well. He'd let people in and being with Addison had made him a better doctor and a man, but Addison had stepped on Mark and Meredith had helped. Trying to relax his body enough to sleep, Derek closed his eyes and drew the blankets up higher over his chest. He was confused and he didn't know what to do. Guilt was all he could feel at just the thought of seeing Rose again. He never wanted anyone to find out about the kiss. It had been a mistake. He'd been looking for emotional and physical comfort in the wrong place. Derek wanted nothing more than to rewind the past hour and erase what had happened.

He just didn't know that Izzie Stevens had already begun spreading rumors about him kissing Rose.

* * *

_July 2, 2005_

Meredith parked her car and quickly threw the contents of her purse back in to the expensive canvas bag as a black BMW pulled up next to her. Closing her door as the person next to her opened their door; Meredith turned and came face to face with Derek. He was dressed in a sweater and jeans with his hair done in the 'McDreamy' style as Yang had dubbed it. For a moment, Meredith felt the familiar pull low in her pelvis at the sight of her handsome husband.

"Crap!" she blurted out without thinking. She wasn't sure if she uttered it because she was late or because she didn't want to feel the magnetic, animalistic craving she had to suddenly strip and screw him into the middle of the next week.

"Crap?" he asked with raised eyebrows. "Seriously?"

"I'm late!" she exclaimed as she quickly walked towards the hospital with Derek on her heels.

"I know. We left at the same time and you still beat me here. How many traffic laws did you break? I'm surprised you didn't get a ticket and send our insurance through the roof," he said in a mocking tone that finally made Meredith snap as they walked through the lobby. She was sick of him. Halting, Derek almost walked into her as she swung around and pointed her finger at him.

"I'm not talking to you right now," she hissed angrily. "I'm not talking to you because I'm going into the hospital and I'll be forced to work side by side with you where you can be as big of an ass as you want to me without fear of repercussions. It's expected of you to be a dick to me! You are after all the Head of Neurosurgery. However, right now, I'm your wife and you're my husband and I'm not taking any of your bullshit! So, yes! Crap! I thought that I was gonna have a few more minutes of peace before I saw you today, but apparently we don't always get what we want! Have a nice day, Derek."

Derek actually looked surprise that she'd final put her foot down and before he could say another word, Meredith turned swiftly on her heel and moved towards the stairwell. Throwing open the door and taking the steps two at a time, Meredith swore to herself that she wasn't going to let him ruin her morning. The Derek Shepherd that she'd married would have never said such a thing. He would have told her to slow down and drive safely. His reaction would have been out of concern. The man she married wouldn't have mocked her, but Meredith had to swiftly remind herself that this new Derek wasn't at all like the man she'd married. He was cold, distant, and Yang had dubbed him as McAss. Reaching the floor that she needed, Meredith threw the door open and nearly ran into Izzie. Walking side by side down the hallway with the blonde doctor, Meredith ignored the model's rambling about the gossip circulating in the hospital. Had she and Derek been on speaking terms, half the news the model was passing on would have been old. Derek wasn't a gossip that spread things around to anyone, but he had the radar of a flying bat when it came to knowing when to listen for good gossip. In New York, it had always been nice to know the major gossip before going into any major hospital function. She didn't feel so out of the loop.

"Did you hear about McDreamy?"

Meredith drew herself out of her musings about missing New York and turned to look at Izzie. Derek rarely made the gossip circuit for any bad reasons and if Izzie was going to talk about him…Meredith wanted to know exactly what her husband had done to make it happen.

"What about him?" Meredith asked as anxiety settled over her chest. Standing still, she hugged herself as she waited for Izzie to wipe the grin off her face and tell her something that she already knew that she didn't want to hear.

"I saw him kissing that one scrub nurse, Rose! Can you believe it? McDreamy is a cheat!" Izzie explained with a satisfied look just as Cristina walked up looking like she was going to be sick.

"Oh, God! Are you still going on about McCheat?" Cristina demanded tiredly.

"Hey, I may just convince him to get in bed with me now. Clearly, the guy has no morals."

"He kissed a scrub nurse. Big deal! What? You think he's gonna wanna get in your pants now?" Cristina snorted as she pushed open the door to the intern locker room. "God, I feel like I'm getting the flu. I swear to God, I can't be getting sick."

Both women disappeared and inside and left Meredith outside the locker room reeling. Her mind raced as she questioned every moment that had happened in the past year.

Was that what was wrong?

Was Derek cheating on her?

Was that the reason they left New York?

Her thoughts seemed impossible to slow down as she caught a glimpse of him standing at the nurse's station going over a chart. Meredith wondered if kissing other women was a habit that Derek had developed long before he met her or if it was relatively new.

Had everything between them been a lie?

Had he been kissing other women in New York?

Had he been doing more than just kissing?

The thought of Derek sleeping with other women made Meredith feel nauseated. She stomach churned as her mind created an image of Derek and Rose in bed together. Hearing footsteps behind her, Meredith turned and looked at Bailey before returning her gaze to her husband.

"It's probably a bad idea to put you anywhere near McDreamy, isn't it?" Bailey said dryly as Meredith continued to stare down the hallway where her husband stood at the nurse's station going over a patient's chart dressed in his navy scrubs.

"You're probably right," Meredith whispered before pulled her gaze away from Derek and pushed open the door to the intern locker room. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to talk to him because she didn't trust herself. Meredith didn't trust herself not to have a complete breakdown in front of everyone. It was none of the hospital's business about what happened between her and Derek and she wasn't going to give them a story to spread around. Promising herself that she would not cry, Meredith quickly changed into her scrubs as the idea of running became more and more appealing.

* * *

_July 19, 2005_

"Who walked you down the aisle?"

Meredith looked up at Edward Levangie as he walked down the hallway and gave him a sad smile. It had been two whole weeks since she'd learned about Derek's kiss with Rose. All she'd done was avoided him and he acted as if nothing had changed between them. He ignored the face that she didn't even sleep at home anymore. Meredith only returned to shower and get more clothing. Richard had tracked her down earlier to tell her that she'd logged more surgical hours and skills lab training than any other intern for the year so far. He'd been kind, fatherly, and had been proud of her. He been gentle towards her and he'd wanted to talk about what was happening with Derek, but Meredith hadn't been ready. Talking about Derek wasn't something that she wanted to do with anyone, but Addison. His family had been calling her none stop, but Meredith hadn't picked up the phone. She was afraid that if she did, the carefully constructed walls that were holding her together would collapse from the inside and leave her in a broken pile of rubble.

"Why do you wanna know?" she asked in a playful tone that she didn't feel. "My wedding wasn't anything special."

"Tell me all about your wedding! I've been ignoring my daughter's chit chat. I have to get used to hearing about it again," Edward grinned as he held her arm. "You don't seem very talkative so it will be easy."

Meredith couldn't help the bitter smile that came to her lips. She could remember the day as if it had happened only hours ago. She still had the small note that Derek had written to her and had sent along with a bouquet of flowers. She could remember the panic she'd felt in not having any flowers. Meredith hadn't been able to decide what kind of flowers she'd wanted for her wedding day bouquet. Derek must have known from Mark that she'd decided not to walk down the aisle without any. She'd been in the middle of getting her dress on when Addison had come in with a bouquet of two dozen pink roses. She'd been so in love with the flowers that she'd hardly noticed the note until Mark was almost ready to walk her down the aisle.

_Did you see the shoot star last night? Were you dazzled by the same constellation? Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me? I think you and the moon and Neptune got it right because with you, I'm shinning bright. I love you and I can't wait to marry you._

_-D._

"I got married in September. My husband's family is this large Irish Catholic bunch and everyone had to be invited. I think we had close to two hundred people at the ceremony and reception. We got married at this small, but beautiful cathedral in New York City. We had the reception out at this country house a relative of his owned in the backyard. Beautiful white tents, mason jars…it was kind of sickening how pretty it looked. It was wonderful and everyone had a good time and laughed. The joy was overwhelming," Meredith told him with a sad smile.

"Did you take lots of pictures?"

"I have four sister-in-laws and they made sure that I had enough pictures."

"Who walked you down the aisle?"

"My, uh, husband's best friend did. Mark and I are close. He's like the brother I never had growing up. We're both from families who…didn't really wanna be bothered with us. In fact, he was the only one who represented my side of the family besides my godfather and his wife. Mark and I boned over our mutual brokenness. My best friend Addison was the maid of honor. It's kind of funny because Mark and Addison are in this…complicated relationship."

"I'm sorry about your family."

"Don't be! Mark is one of the best people I know. He's funny and sweet despite what happened to him. He has this love of life that is contagious and I miss him constantly."

"Where did you go for your honeymoon?" Edward asked. "I think that my daughter is going to France."

"I didn't get to go on one," Meredith admitted with a shrug. "I was in college and my husband was doing his residency. We didn't have time."

"So, he's a doctor too?"

"Yes, he is."

"What kind?" Edward asked as they walked back down the hallway towards his room.

"A surgeon…neuro is his specialty."

"Is he any good?"

"He is great," Meredith murmured.

"You should make him take you on a honeymoon the moment he gets a chance. You don't live forever and you seem like a lady who deserves a good vacation. You seem like an angel."

Meredith couldn't stop herself from laughing. Derek had never called an angel. He'd called her a lot of things, but an angel was never on the list. She was pretty sure that he described her as a hellcat to Mark on more than occasion. Helping Edward back into bed and get settled, Meredith was surprised when he grabbed a hold of her wrist to stop her from leaving

"Your husband is lucky to have you," Edward said with a smile.

Meredith couldn't bring herself to smile at his words. She didn't want to smile at his words. Derek wasn't lucky to have her. She was her own person and she didn't want to be anything but that. Leaving Edward's room, Meredith stood at the nurse's station and looked down at her rings. A beautiful engagement ring was joined by a wedding band that had diamonds all around it in a halo form and it was joined by a simple, silver band. Derek had surprised her with an engagement ring and a new wedding band two years ago. He hadn't been able to afford one when they'd first gotten married. She'd only had a simple silver band on her wedding day. A simple silver band that she'd loved because of what it stood for. She loved her engagement ring and band as well, just not as much as that silver band. Derek had gone for flashy and she'd teased him about it when he'd given it to her. All he'd done was shrug and told her that she deserved something special from him.

Staring down at the rings, Meredith slipped them off her fingers with slight hesitation. Derek wasn't lucky to have her. She had the free will to choose where she wanted to be and who she wanted to be with. It felt as if his kissing Rose had been the final nail in the coffin. She was running and she wasn't looking back. Taking her cell phone out of her lab coat, Meredith slipped away to an empty on-call room and locked the door. Dialing Addison, she sighed hearing Addison answer the phone on the second ring.

"He cheated on me," Meredith said without preamble. "He kissed his freaking scrub nurse who has the cute name of Rose and I'm freaking out on the inside."

"He told you?"

"You knew?!" Meredith nearly yelled. "What the hell, Addison?"

"Derek_ is_ sorry that he did it," Addison said mournfully. "He was on the phone for about ten minutes with Mark talking about it after it happened."

"How do you know?"

"Mark told me right before we went into therapy. He got the call in the waiting room."

"Wait, you and Mark are going to therapy? When the hell did this happen?"

"I told him about the miscarriages and about how I needed space to come to terms with what had happened involving my body. I told him how in order to love him, I needed to forgive myself about the losses and I just needed space to do that. He came back a few days after you and Derek left and suggested that we go to therapy. It's worked wonders and I'm happy, we're happy. I was seeing a therapist before we went to a marriage therapist. We've been dating again, I guess. Going out to dinner and talking. Do things that we both like. We're on a no sex regiment right now. Apparently, he and I both use sex to cope with what's happening instead of words and it's been hell, but it's been good for us. Last week, he told me about how Derek had called and confessed to the kissing. I told him that I was helping you with divorce paperwork and he was okay with it after I told him how things with you and Derek were going. I think Mark is ready to call Webber and ask him what the hell is going on out there," Addison laughed sadly. "However, we decided that we would just focus on us and not let everyone know that we're back together. Not until we really come to a complete understanding on how to communicate and make it work for the long term."

"I, uh, can't…I can't stop thinking about whether or not Rose is the first woman that he's kissed. Has he cheated on me before, Addison?" Meredith asked tearfully.

"He did_ not_ cheat on you while you were living in New York," Addison assured her. "Rose is the first woman that he's ever kissed since he married you. Mark asked and Derek was very honest about everything."

"Did Mark ask why Derek has been so off?"

"No, Derek just talked about how he kissed Rose and Mark told him that he needed to figure out what to do before you found out. Damage control or something like that. Mark suggested that he call me about talking with you about the kiss, but Derek got angry and hung up."

"I've known about it for two weeks and he hasn't said anything," Meredith murmured tiredly. "Just send me the divorce papers, Addie. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be married. I'm tired of it and I'm done. Derek is clearly done and I'm done. We have nothing left and I don't feel much of anything about the kiss."

"You wouldn't be calling me if you didn't feel anything. That British guy kissed you too, Meredith. Both you and Derek have been caught kissing people you shouldn't. It doesn't matter if it was as the recipient or the giver. Just give him one last shot. I know it hard, but just give Derek one more chance to make things right. You guys vowed for better or for worst and this is the worst part. This is the part that sucks, but Derek loves you and he…"

"Why would he do this, Addie?" Meredith asked as her voice broke and tears came to her eyes. "Why? Am I not enough for him anymore? When that British guy kissed me it was for luck for his stupid race! It was a small peck on the lips! Kissing a nurse in a scrub room…Addison…that's just…I don't know. Something tells me that if given the chance…Derek would not have stopped…"

"Do you want me to fax the papers or mail them? I have them ready like you asked me too, but it's up to you on what you're going to do with them. Just give it some more thought, Meredith."

"Mail them to Richard Webber's house. I don't want Derek knowing about this until I get everything straightened out. I just have to find a place to live now and…figure everything else out."

"Do you want me to come out there and help you?" Addison offered softly. "Do you want Mark? You know, you're like his little sister and he'd drop everything to come out there and be with you. He'd probably kick Derek's ass in heart beat for you. You know he would! Meredith, I owe you so much…just let me come out for a few days. We'll have a girl's night out and it will be fun. It's the least I can do Meredith. You've helped me and Mark so much."

"Addison, don't be silly. I did what any sister would. I just have to tell him that I'm leaving him," Meredith said with a shuddering breath as she brushed tears away from her cheeks. "How hard could it be, right? Besides, you don't need to come out here. You helped me last fall when I had that miscarriage. You let me hide out at your apartment and kept me medicated through the whole thing. You respected my wishes not to tell Derek after it happened. We don't keep score, but if we did…we'd be even Addison…more than even!"

"You never told him about that?" Addison asked sounding shocked. "Meredith…you have to say something to him. Did you tell anyone besides me about the miscarriage?"

"Addison…I just never got the chance to say anything…and now…I'm not going to say anything. I lost his child and there's no point in bringing up the past. There is enough hurt going around as it is," Meredith said emotionless. "I have to go."

Before Addison could say another word, Meredith disconnected the call and slipped the cell phone into her lab coat. Leaning back against the wall, she'd never been so confused in her whole life. It was like her brain and her heart couldn't agree on what she wanted. Closing her eyes, she tried not think about what had happened the week after Thanksgiving. She'd only been six weeks. She'd planned on telling Derek at Christmas, but fate's plans had been different. She'd woken up with cramping and bleeding one night that he'd been on call at the hospital. Alone, Meredith had called Addison and it had broken her heart to learn that her baby had no heartbeat. If everything had worked out…his child would have been born in a few weeks time. Pushing herself off the wall, Meredith refused to let herself drown in what had happened. She wasn't going to play the self-pity game. She'd bought one piece of baby clothing before the miscarriage and it was the only reminder that she had of what she'd lost. No one was going to find out about her grief, not even Derek. There was nothing he could do. Instead, she kept her heartbreak locked tightly away in her small art box at the trailer. Tucked under the bed, the same art box contained color swatches and fabric samples and house plan ideas that she'd been collecting since she'd moved to Seattle. It was a box filled with a future that she wasn't going to ever experience. Just thinking about a home was torture.

Climbing the steps and opening the door, Meredith nearly ran into Derek. He looked annoyed for a moment and then his gaze softened. She'd been married long enough to know that when he was guilty of something…it always showed in his eyes. Today, his eyes were guilty and Meredith knew that she couldn't put off the conversation that they needed to have for long.

"Excuse me," she murmured to him.

"Did you talk to Webber about next week yet?" Derek called after her, "The birthday dinner thing?"

Meredith ignored him and hurried her steps. She just couldn't bring herself to do anything more than to walk at that moment. Slipping her hand into her lab coat, Meredith took her rings out and slowly slipped them back on making it look like they'd never left her hand.

Addison was right.

They'd both shared kisses that they should have. Meredith was determined to give Derek one last chance. She was holding on for something, but she didn't know what it was. All Meredith knew was that she was so torn between loving him and letting him go.

* * *

**Next, 1x07, 1x08, 1x09**

**So, bombshells left and right. I promise that once Derek and Meredith talk, things will begin to add up. No one is innocent in this.**

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**baseballbabe19: **Thanks for the review! Glad you're enjoying the story!:)

**Guest #1: **Thanks for the review! More is on the way!

**wisegirl127: **Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review!

**bajangirlz: **Thanks for the review! Glad you're enjoying the story!:)

**Patsy: **Thanks for the review! This is a MerDer story, it will just take some time to fix everything...and he won't be with Addison, I promise! More is on the way! I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

**DarkandTwistyGrey: **Thanks for the review! Mer and Der will work it out! I promise!

**Melanie: **Thanks for the review! Mama Shepherd will show up at some point, but not just yet. I think Derek isn't quite ready to pull out the big guns yet to get Meredith back...

**Jennifer: **Thanks for the review! Missing Med School graduation will come up later, I promise. Agreed though...a bottle of booze and the trailer seems like the best medicine. There will be NO MEREDITH AND MARK...

**Guest #2: **Thanks for the review! Sorry you feel that way! You don't have to read if you don't want to!

**mps: **Thanks for the review!

**Guest #3: **Yes, Derek is an ass, but he will get better! Promise! Thanks for the review!

**Carrie: **Sorry to leave you on kind of a cliffie again! Thanks for the review! I promise more is on the way!:)

**Wiizz: **Agreed! Stories get me through the loss! Thanks for the review! More is on the way!:)

**lanLevitt: **Thanks for the review! Thank you! Hope you liked this chapter!

**Little Rae of Light:** Thanks for the review! I hope you liked this chapter! I'm sorry that happened to you! I've done it before and it sucks! More is on the way!:) We will hit 14 chapters and then some...

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**See you soon!**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	3. III: Haunted

**Author's Note: **

**Thank you to all who left a review! **

**REAL QUICK! TO ALL WHO ARE CONCERNED ABOUT DEREK BEATING, RAPING OR ANY OTHER THINGS HAPPENING TO ANY CHARACTERS IN THIS FIC, THAT IS NOT HAPPENING. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT THE BREAKDOWN OF COMMUNICATION AND HOW IT CAN AFFECT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. IF YOU WOULD LIKE A FLUFFY, IMMATURE, NOTHING CAN GO WRONG BECAUSE THEY'RE MEREDITH AND DEREK, THIS MAY NO BE FOR YOU. PEOPLE ARE FLAWED. DEREK IS FLAWED. MEREDITH IS FLAWED. THEY'VE BOTH SAID THINGS TO EACH OTHER ON THE SHOW AND IN THIS FIC, THEY WILL HAVE THEIR FLAWS. **

**TO BE CLEAR, DEREK HAS NOT HIT HER. SOME REVIEWER WAS UNDER THAT IMPRESSION AND I HAVE CLEARED IT UP. SECONDLY, I DO NOT AGREE WITH ABUSE IN ANY WAY, BUT I WOULD NOT CONSIDER WHAT IS HAPPENING BETWEEN DEREK AND MEREDITH ABUSE. AS IN PRIOR CHAPTERS, MEREDITH HAS STATED THAT DEREK IGNORES HER OR IS OVERLY DIFFICULT WITH HER IN THE OR, BUT HE HAS NEVER ENDANGERED HER CAREER OR HER LIFE IN ANY WAY. IN MEREDITH'S FLASH BACK, HE EVEN SAVED IT. **

**TO END THIS RANT, I CAN ONLY SAY THAT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS STORY. I AM OKAY WITH THAT. IT MEANS IVE DONE MY JOB. NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE IT AND I AM OKAY WITH BREAKING THE MOLD. I WILL NOT BE LEAVING ANY MORE RANTS LIKE THIS IN THE FUTURE, SO THIS IS IT. **

**AGAIN TO BE CLEAR, NO RAPE, ABUSE, OR KILLING. **

**THE ONLY WARNING I WILL GIVE IS THAT FOR NOW THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER AS DEREK BEING A MCASS.**

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**Chapter III**

"…_My heart it lulls  
Ghost in the sheets  
I know if I'm haunting you  
You must be haunting me_

_My wicked tongue_  
_Where will it be_  
_I know if I'm onto you_  
_You must be onto me…"_

~ "Haunted" - Beyonce

_July 20, 2005_

Meredith lay in bed next to Derek and stared at the ceiling of the trailer. The rain outside sounded calming and she wanted nothing more than to lose herself in the moment. She hadn't been able to sleep for weeks because of her worry for him and it drove her nuts that he could sleep like a baby every night without any problems. Her day had been long and she wished it hadn't been.

Over and over again, her mind kept going back to Claire. The poor girl had lost part of her bowel to save her life all in an effort to please her mother. It was a way of life that Meredith deeply understood. She could remember being a little girl and being despite for love from Ellis Grey. By the age of 12, Meredith had come to terms with the fact that she would never have her mother's love. She'd gone to private school and had graduated top of her class, but Ellis hadn't even acknowledged that achievement. The summer between high school and college had been spent getting lost in the exotic men from France, Spain, and Italy. She'd drunk more tequila that summer than she'd ever had in her entire life. The whole thing was a blur and once she'd gotten back to the United States, Meredith had calmed down. Being away from Ellis had helped, New York University wasn't far from Boston, but it was far enough. The year and half before she'd met Derek had been a healing period. She'd gotten better at letting people in and controlling the dark, twisty side of her. Compared to her mother, Derek had been like a breath of fresh air. She'd fall in love with him so easy. It wasn't hard to love him. The thing that Claire needed was space and love. Claire needed to find someone, whether it be a dad or a friend, who would love her regardless of how she looked. The one thing Meredith did feel was comfort. She felt comfort in the fact that she wasn't the only one with a screwed up, fucked up mother.

Turing her head to stare at Derek, she resisted the urge to brush a strand of dark hair out of his eyes. She'd heard from George about the whole O.R. fiasco with Taylor and Derek's patient waking up on the table. George had been awed by Derek's apology. An attending apologizing to an intern wasn't something that happened ever and O'Malley along with all the nurses and other attending had been put under the spell of McDreamy. Lying on her side, Meredith watched him sleep and for the hundredth time, she wondered where things had gone so terribly wrong between them. It amazed her how a year could change so much.

"You're staring at me," Derek murmured sleepily without opening his eyes. "Go back to sleep, Meri. Tomorrow is going to be a long day and we both need rest."

Not saying anything, Meredith turned onto her side and put her back towards him. His soft tone and his words reminded her of happier times. Times that seemed almost alien to her and made her heart ache all the more. Ellis Grey's voice rang out in her head not to be weak and Meredith nearly flinched. She wasn't weak. She was a woman who desperately loved her husband, but couldn't possibly see a way to make her marriage work any long and she was finally accepting that. Addison said to give Derek a second chance, but that was denial. She was denying herself the fact that the situation Derek had put himself in was different from hers. She was giving him an out that he didn't deserve because she didn't want to believe that he could throw everything between them away. Addison could make up excuses for him. Both she and Meredith could, but the truth was Derek had cheated on her by kissing Rose. Viper hadn't asked for her consent when he'd kissed her. If Izzie was right, Rose had been a much more willing participant than Meredith ever had been with Viper. As the denial slipped away, anger came to the surface and Meredith clenched the Egyptian cotton sheets in her fists. He'd willingly kissed another woman! It might have only been just a kiss, but there was more to it than that and she knew it.

There were stages of grief and that was what she was going through. She was grieving her marriage because it was ending. She could no longer deny that single fact. Her relationship was falling apart because of Derek and as the denial slipped away from her, anger was beginning to simmer beneath the surface. Anger that Meredith suspected had been there since the beginning of his distant behavior.

She wasn't weak.

She was just heartbroken and was on her way to becoming one pissed off woman.

* * *

_July 21, 2005_

"You think it's enough to…you know…get his interest?"

"Derek Shepherd, M.D.? You show him these and he's gonna have a woody that he won't be able to get rid of," Cristina groaned as she stared at the scans. "Where the hell did you dig that little number up?"

"Psych." Meredith grinned, "They say he thinks his seizures are visions."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Oh, Shepherd is so gonna love that. You think the psychic will say anything about his wife?"

"Why the hell are you so interested in his wife?" Meredith asked as she crossed her arms over her chest. It was getting harder and harder to lie to Cristina and Izzie about her relationship. They were quickly becoming her friends and she didn't want to lose her friendship with them once word got out about her and Derek. She wasn't even going to give herself the pleasure of denying that the truth wouldn't come out because it would. She was on the verge of snapping his neck with her bare hands and it would spread like wild fire about the married attending and the intern.

"I just want to know who is stupid enough to marry a jackass like him. Sure, the nurses all think that he's McDreamy and Izzie, but seriously. He's not that freaking dreamy."

Meredith was about to reply when she received a page from Derek. He had a case and a wanted her to work on it with him. Letting out a sigh, she turned and left Cristina with the crazy psych patient. She didn't want to deal with crazy. She had enough crazy all on her own without adding in a psych patient. Scrubbing out of the rock climber's spinal surgery, Meredith didn't want to admit to anything. She was seriously impressed with Derek's skills at catching the clot, but she wasn't going stay anything. It would mean stroking his ego and that would be bad. Standing side by side with him, she opened the soap and ignored his glances at her.

"We should talk," he said quietly as he finished up.

"About what, Doctor Shepherd?" Meredith said as a feeling of dread took over. Working with Derek made her anxious and Meredith had already decided that Neuro was not going to be her specialty. Derek went to speak, but Meredith's cell phone rang and she looked down.

"Hang on," Meredith told him quietly. She didn't recognize the number and it was possible that it was an emergency given that it was a New York area code. Derek nodded and leaned against the wall calmly. If Meredith hadn't been through hell the past few months, she'd almost say they looked normal together. He almost looked like her loving husband. Flipping open the phone, Meredith wasn't prepared for the greeting she received.

"Meredith Grey, how can I help you?"

"Hello, Meredith." A calm voice said, "I'm Doctor Cho. I have Amelia Shepherd here in the emergency room and you are her emergency contact."

Meredith groaned and stared at Derek tiredly as he stood up straighter with a curious look on his face.

"What did she do this time?" Meredith asked.

"She overdosed, ma'am on pain killers. She came in unconscious, but we managed to revive her. She's currently awake and asking for you," Doctor Cho explained. "In a few hours, we'll transfer her up to psych and probably off to a rehab facility."

"I can't come to see her," she explained. "I live in Seattle and I can't just jump on a plane and leave. My time isn't my own. Who was the doctor that prescribed?"

"She admitted to stealing a script pad from brother, Derek Shepherd. Do you know him?"

"He's my husband," Meredith sighed as Derek opened the door to the viewing room next to him. He made a sweeping gesture with his hands for Meredith to go into the room and she easily complied. Derek closed the blinds and flipped on the lights as Meredith sat down in a chair.

"Amelia is under the impression that Doctor Shepherd won't press charges against her for stealing, Mrs. Shepherd," Doctor Cho explained. "I have to turn this over to the police. It probably will cost Amelia her license even if Doctor Shepherd doesn't press charges."

"Did you contact her mother, Carolyn, yet?"

"Not yet," Doctor Cho admitted. "I have to get permission from either you or her."

"I give you permission to contact her mother and sisters."

"Should I contact Doctor Shepherd?" Cho asked. "Let him know before the police contact him?"

"No, I will tell him. He's standing right in front of me. Will you call me with updates?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Disconnecting the phone call, Meredith watched Derek sink tiredly into a chair. He took off his scrub cap and ran his fingers through his hair. Forearms resting on his knees, Derek looked at her tiredly and she knew she looked just as exhausted as he did. Amelia was exhausting. A junkie, Meredith had no idea how Amelia managed to keep her job. Derek had stopped talking with Amelia after she'd moved out of Carolyn's home, but it hadn't stopped his sister from abusing herself.

"What did she do?" Derek asked quietly and Meredith knew that they were both talking about Amelia. Meredith couldn't bring herself to answer as a memory consumed her…

_Watching Derek go from room to room, Meredith stood with her arms crossed over her chest and fought back tears. One of his script pads was missing and he was livid. She had never seen him so angry in her entire life and it made her nervous. She wasn't nervous for her safety. Meredith knew that Derek would never physically harm her. He wasn't an abuser. No, Meredith was afraid that he was right. Derek had accused her of moving things including his script pad. Having just had to put Ellis in a home, Derek rampage played upon her worst fears. _

_Was it possible that she was showing signs of early on-set Alzheimer's? _

_She briefly wondered if she was having an episode of memory loss as she rocked back and forth on her heels as Derek moved out of his office and into their bedroom. _

"_Prescription pads do not sprout legs and walk off," Derek called from their bedroom and Meredith slowly walked into the space. Ignoring his words, Meredith stood in the center of their bedroom and watched him go through her nightstand before moving over to his. _

"_Is it possible you took it back to the hospital or something?" Meredith suggested as Derek closed his nightstand drawer._

"_That's like me saying that you're not turning into your mother," he snapped." It's not possible to believe." _

_Meredith froze at his words and Derek looked up at her. He wore an identical look of surprise on his face that matched hers. Derek had never said such a thing to her and without a word, he left their room. Her feet felt glued to the floor as she listened to him fly down the steps. Meredith heard the front door close and flinched as at the sound it made. Hesitating for only a moment, Meredith quickly grabbed the house phone off the charger and dialed Addison's number._

"_I need you to test me for Alzheimer's," she told Addison calmly. "I have to know."_

_Addison breathed out deeply…_

"Do you remember that script pad that went missing at the end of February?" Meredith asked him as she stood and put her phone back on her waist next to her pager. "I do because I remember us having this huge blow out fight over it. I know where it went."

"Amelia," Derek breathed as he rubbed his tired eyes. "She stole my script pad?"

"She's been writing herself scripts for painkillers. Call your sisters and mother," Meredith sighed. "I have to go check on my psych guy."

"Wait," Derek said as he stood up. "Richard said that Adele received mail for you from New York. Will you be home tonight for dinner?"

Meredith nodded before leaving Derek alone in the viewing room and walked slowly towards the elevator. She could still remember the day that Carolyn Shepherd had called her worried and in tears. Derek's mother had been trying to get in touch with her daughter and Amelia hadn't been answering any of Carolyn's calls. Having never met Amelia, Meredith had volunteered herself to go to Amelia's apartment and check on her. The one thing Meredith hadn't realized was that the sister-in-law that she'd never met lived in a horrible area of the city. It was obvious to Meredith that Carolyn paid for her daughter's education and it had been the wrong day to wear her favorite flats. Wearing a pair of expensive jeans along with a designer tank top and a cardigan, Meredith had found Amelia's apartment just as a pissed Derek had shown up in his Mercedes. Together, they'd attracted plenty of attention in the poor neighborhood. Derek had been so protective of her and had insisted that she waited in the car with the keys and the doors locked, but Meredith had insisted on seeing Amelia like she'd promised Carolyn.

It had been a bad day for them both and finding Amelia unconscious from an apparent overdose only made it worse. Derek had immediately begun CPR and he'd managed to get Amelia breathing again by the time the paramedics had shown up. It had also been the last time that Derek had seen his sister. Even though Amelia had gone to New York Presbyterian where Derek had worked, he had refused to see her. Derek wouldn't even be on the same floor as Amelia. He and his other sisters had refused to even meet with Amelia unless she was sober and a deep rift in the family had happened as a result. Pushing the button to go up, Meredith stood waiting while trying to figure out how Amelia and Derek had ended up so different. Derek had taken the pain of his father's death and had used it to drive himself into helping others. Amelia had buried that pain and had turned to drugs to numb the hurt. Meredith was amazed everyday that she wasn't more like Amelia in some ways. All of them were hurting in some way, they just all dealt with it in different ways.

* * *

True to her words about being home for dinner, Meredith was surprised by the smell of food when she opened the door to the trailer. Derek stood with a towel over his shoulder and it was clear he was making something. Stepping inside, Meredith briefly wondered if she'd been in a car accident on the way home and hit her head. That was the only explanation that she could come up with as to why her husband was cooking again.

"You're home," Derek said with a smile. "Just in time! Trout is almost finished."

Meredith dropped her bag, "I'm not dreaming then."

Derek looked confused for a moment before Meredith sighed, "I thought for a moment that I was in an accident on the way home and hit my head and was dreaming. It's the only reason that I could come up with why exactly you're cooking. You haven't cooked dinner since…January? Anyways, I figured that if you're cooking fish this whole thing must be real because if this were a dream, you'd be making steaks. The bloody kind that I love and you always tell me how unhealthy it is when I added oodles of steak sauce to it."

Derek looked at her for a whole second before bursting out laughing. His laughter was infectious and Meredith found herself laughing because her words seemed silly as they sounded. Laughing until they were out of breath, Meredith reached into the refrigerator for a wine bottle and poured herself a generous glass.

"Do you want one?" she said him.

"Sure."

"Why are you making dinner?" Meredith asked as she sat on the edge of their bed. "Why today of all days?"

"I was wrong," Derek told her after a long, painful silence. "I was wrong about the prescription pad and I was so wrong to compare to your mother's situation. You don't have Alzheimer's and the crass way I said was wrong. I hurt you and I regret saying that. I regret saying that to you so much."

Standing and she walked towards him until they stood nearly toe to toe.

"I am sorry," Derek murmured to her again. He was close enough that she could smell the sandalwood and lemon soap that he used. It had always driven her crazy. Derek wasn't the man that overused aftershave. No, he had a smell all his own and it was subtle enough to drive her senses crazy.

"Why?" Meredith asked again.

"I have a long list of sins, but I am sorry for blaming you for the missing script pad." Derek said as she stared at his lips. God, she wanted him. She ached with needed. It had been months since she'd been with anyone and she was aching. Moving her eyes to his, she could see the same want in them that she felt.

Was it wrong to want one more night with him?

She was planning to leave him, but did it make her weak?

Reaching out for the stove, she flipped the burners off before their lips crashed together and they started pulling each other's clothes off. Meredith was in a simple pair of jeans and a tank top. He had her stripped down to her underwear before she'd gotten the NYU t-shirt he had on over his head. The five steps towards the bed were a blur to her as she silently thanked God that she'd decided to wear a pair of matching bra and underwear.

"The red hellion pair," Derek smirked as he pulled back and quickly got rid of his jeans and the Calvin Klein briefs he wore.

Meredith couldn't help but to grin back at him because she was wearing her red lace. She knew just how much the red drove him crazy. He attacked her body with warm, wet kiss as his fingertips ghosted over her sides. Meredith arched her back as he dragged his fingertips over her abdomen and lower. Derek pushed his hand beneath her panties. They both moaned at the sensation he brought to life. His fingertips brushed against her most sensitive part and Meredith felt her eyes roll backwards as her toes curled. She grabbed hold of the sheets as Derek withdrew his hand. He grabbed the sides of her lace panties and pulled them down.

Propping herself on her elbows, Meredith stared at him as she bit her bottom lip. A naked Derek was even better to look at than a Derek in scrubs. Suppressing a moan, Meredith sat up and reached behind her as his lips compressed against hers. Warm and firm, she barely tossed her bra aside before his lips were pressing kisses against her chest. Her hands explored his body as much as his explored hers. Her lips explored every inch of his skin as he explored hers and nothing prepared Meredith for the pleasure he could give. It was pleasure that Meredith had missed desperately. There was no fantasy had ever come close to the real thing as he caressed between her legs again. Her fingers wove into the curls at the back of his head while he took time lavishing attention to each of her breasts with his mouth and his hand explored her folds.

Meredith could feel the moisture form between her legs as she hooked her leg around Derek and let her heel rest on his lower back. Instinctively, she rocked her hips in an attempt at some friction against his master fingers that drove her towards dizzying heights. She moved her hands in an attempt to reach between them, but Derek grabbed her wrists and pinned her hands above her as his lips trailed down over her abdomen.

"Please," Meredith half-moaned, half begged. "Please, Derek."

He took his time kissing and licking his way down her body. The coil that had begun to tighten in her lower body was becoming an ache that need to be fulfilled. Panting and moan, Meredith rocked her body trying to gain any friction against his body that she could. She could feel his smile against her skin. Derek was denying her the one thing she wanted and she both loved and hated him for it. By the time he made it to the apex of her thighs, Meredith was so close at she was nearly screaming from the brush of his tongue. He let go of her wrists and she convulsed with pleasure as he pushed her closer and closer to the edge. Closer and closer she came until he grazed her with his teeth. He teased her before she fell over the cliff of pleasure. Close to delirium from the amount pleasure pulsing through her veins, Meredith slowly came back down to earth as Derek reached over her and opened his bedside drawer. He pulled a condom out and she barely had chance to catch her breath as he grabbed her hips and flipped her over. Hugging a pillow to her chest, Meredith felt him brush her hair away and his lips explored her neck and shoulders.

"Stop teasing," she begged him. "Derek…"

He did stop.

No, Derek teased her back towards the cliff. His hand slipped under her and Meredith couldn't see straight from the pleasure. She was close to tumbling over again and gasped when with one swift thrust, Derek was inside her. He groaned as if he were in pain, but she knew he wasn't. It was the groan of a man desperately trying not to finish too soon. Without thinking, Meredith crossed her ankles and clenched her thighs. She grinned into the pillow when Derek gave a deeper groan into his ear.

"Oh, God," Derek panted. "You're such a tease, Meredith."

Meredith's giggle turned into a moan the moment he thrust into her again. He slowly drew out the pleasure. Bringing her hips to meet his, they established a rhythm that left her gasping and panting. Reaching beneath her body, Meredith held his hand and clenched her eyes shut. Each rock of their hips caused the pads of his fingers to brush against her most sensitive spots and she was so close.

The coils in her belly became tighter and tighter with each passing moment until the bands broke and she tumbled over the cliff again. Pleasure pulsated through her body and two thrusts later, she knew Derek had joined her. He breathed heavily against her back as he rested his head on her shoulder. Neither moved and she didn't want him to. The weight of his body against hers was comforting and she'd missed the feel of his skin against hers.

She felt close to him and yet, she felt far away from him too.

* * *

_July 26, 2005_

Meredith watched her husband and godfather slip from the room as Patricia began to give a detailed explanation of how to put a condom on. Ignoring the secretary, Meredith tried her best to not let fear or doubt creep into her thoughts as to why the two men were sneaking off. Since her night with Derek, things had been better. He had been calmer around her and hadn't snapped at her in a surgery. The only down side of her life now was anxiety. Meredith had been wracked with nerves ever since that night and she kept waiting for the ball to drop. She kept waiting for him to snap and revert back to old behavior, but he hadn't.

"What the hell is up with you?" Cristina murmured as they stood next to each other. "You look like you're gonna freak out."

"I think…I'm pretty sure that I'm leaving my husband," Meredith murmured back. "Don't tell anyone until it's actually official."

"Seriously? I haven't even met Mr. Grey."

"You're not going to. Ever…"

"Damn. Was he any good in bed at least?"

Meredith didn't even want to think about sex, but she nodded. Cristina let out a low whistle and shook her head, "You have papers and everything?"

"Yep."

"Place to live?"

"My mother's old house," Meredith whispered. "I'm going to live there and be a perfectly functioning, independent woman who doesn't need a man to define her life."

"You're gonna be free…holy cow! Think of the outrageously wicked and depraved sex you get to have now with a long list of inappropriate men."

Meredith couldn't help but to laugh as Patricia finished and everyone clapped. Cristina was right, but Meredith wasn't so sure she would be hopping into bed with men anytime soon.

"Seriously," Cristina continued. "It's gonna be freaking great."

"I guess," Meredith said with a shrug.

"It's your birthday. Let's go out and get drunk as we celebrate your divorce." Cristina suggested. "It will be awesome."

It was several hours later when Meredith saw Derek again. Standing at the nurse's station alone, Meredith watched as he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. Between Derek, the chief, and Bailey, something was going on and Meredith was on the fence about if she wanted to know or not.

"Is everyone getting tested over lunch?" he asked as they both looked over at the long line of people from the floor waiting to get tested.

"That is what it seems like," she told him as she replaced a chart. "All the nurses have fled to either lunch or to get tested."

"Hmm, they always do flee when needed."

"I don't have any reason to get tested, do I?" Meredith blurted out as she looked at him. She silently willed him not to lie to her. She didn't want another good, hard reason to leave him. For once, Meredith just wanted him to bluntly tell her the truth. She didn't want the 'McDreamy' smile as Izzie and Cristina called it. She just wanted him to say what he'd done and own up to it.

"You don't trust me? When would I have time to go out and get syphilis? You're a handful enough, as it is. Besides, we're like the poster child of the 'abstain from sex' pamphlets that school health teachers used to hand out in high school." Derek said with a smile as he leaned against the counter.

Meredith groaned and her head fell back, "You did not just say that. I can't believe you said that!"

Derek chuckled as his beeper went off.

"I'll see you later," he murmured before walked away, but the smile on his face annoyed her and left anger swelling in her chest. She didn't trust him. She might sleep next to him most nights and have sex with him, but Meredith didn't trust him, not like she used to. It was strange to think that six months ago, she would have trusted him with anything. She had trusted him with everything and now, Meredith wasn't sure she could even trust him with a tiny piece of her heart. He'd had an opportunity to tell her about his kiss with Rose, but he hadn't. Granted, it probably wasn't the best place to tell her, but he could have found a place to tell her.

"Happy Birthday," Izzie said with a smile. "Cristina just told me. You doing anything special?"

"Just dinner," Meredith replied. She didn't say that Derek or Webber would be there. It wasn't any of Izzie's business. The longer Meredith thought about it, she couldn't tell how she felt about going to dinner. Part of her was excited, but the other half was confused. She did want to cancel, but it was too late. Adele had been so excited that Webber's wife had gone and gotten reservations at the most expensive restaurant in town. There was no way that Meredith could cancel now.

* * *

"Adele!" Meredith smiled as she reached the table on the patio. The setting sun made a beautiful back drop for her birthday dinner and the lighting around the restaurant was beginning to come on. Adele stood with a grin on her face and hugged Meredith tightly.

"Don't you look good," Adele complimented as Meredith pulled away. "Where did you get that dress?"

Meredith looked down at the strapless, black dress she wore and the grin on her face grew. She bought the dress shortly before leaving New York. Strapless, the dress hugged her curves and stopped just above her knees. Paired with nude heels, Meredith felt like her old self for the first time in a very long time. Taking a seat opposite Adele, Meredith ordered a glass of wine and immersed herself in conversation with Adele while they waited for Derek and the Chief to arrive. Listening as Adele gave an update on all the different charities she supported and the kids she mentored, Meredith barely noticed the hour pass. She loved getting to hear about all the amazing things that Adele did. It always broke her heart that Richard had never had children with Adele. Growing up, Richard Webber had been the only father figure that Meredith had been exposed to. Her mother had hated Richard's involvement in her life, but he'd been kind to her and loving. He'd been her shelter from Ellis and it was something that Meredith would never forget. It wasn't until the waiter came back asking if they were ready to order that Meredith realized how late in the evening it was. Over an hour had passed since her arrival at the restaurant, and taking out her phone, Meredith debated calling Derek to ask if he was coming or not. Adele, however, let out a deep sigh as she looked at her watch.

"Don't bother," she complained. "I've been a surgeon's wife long enough to know that if he's more than an hour late, he isn't coming."

Ignoring Adele's advice, Meredith called Derek's cell phone. It went straight to voicemail and she snapped her cell phone shut without leaving a message. Anger swelled inside her as she grabbed the small clutch that she'd been using.

"Adele, I'm so sorry, but I have to go." Meredith murmured trying to keep her temper in check.

"Wait! I have something for you."

Adele dug around in her purse until she withdrew an envelope with Addison's return address on it. Knowing what it was, Meredith accepted the piece of mail from Adele and stared down at it. Any second thought about what she was about to do faded away. Derek not showing up to her birthday dinner without a single call or excuse proved just how little he'd come to care for her.

She'd come to expect Richard to miss important things from time to time, but she'd never expected Derek to miss things. When she'd spoken to him earlier, he'd told her he'd see her later. Suppressing an unladylike snort, Meredith realized that he'd probably forgotten what the day was. She'd considered that Bailey, the Chief, and Derek's strange behavior was because they were hiding a birthday surprise. Shaking her head, Meredith felt silly. Whatever the three doctors were doing had nothing to do with her birthday.

Meredith told herself not to be surprised if Derek had forgotten what day it even was.

* * *

Still dressed in her black dress from dinner, Meredith quickly threw her clothing into the bags that she'd grabbed from under the bed in the trailer. Tears of anger were blurring her vision, but she knew that she was doing the right thing. Derek wasn't treating her right and something was wrong with him and their marriage. She had vowed for better or worse, but she hadn't vowed to be married to an ass or someone who ignored her. Closing the top of her suitcase, Meredith quickly zipped it closed before grabbing the last of her things from around the trailer. Throwing them in a bag, Meredith pushed open the trailer door and rolled the suitcase out. The trunk of her mother's old jeep was parked in the front alongside the Mercedes that she normally drove.

She didn't want anything that was attached to Derek. Throwing the last of her things in the trunk, Meredith took the Mercedes' key off her key ring and went back into the trailer. She had one last thing to do as she looked around the spotlessly cleaned trailer. Picking up the envelope that Adele had given Meredith earlier in the evening; she opened it and flipped through the pages to the last one. Looking down at the printed words on the page, Meredith reached for a black pen. She'd petitioned to have her last name returned to Grey. Everyone at Seattle Grace knew her as Meredith Grey and she wanted it to stay that way. Today would be the last time she was signing her name as Meredith Shepherd. Reading the words, she couldn't help but to stare at the page a moment longer.

_Meredith Elizabeth Grey-Shepherd_

Quickly folding the pages and grabbing a new white, crisp envelope, Meredith neatly folded the pages. Grabbing a post-it note, she scribbled a few words on to it before pressing it to the papers. Slipping them inside the envelope, Meredith neatly wrote Derek's name on the front before flipping it over. There was one last thing she had to do. Raising her hand, Meredith slipped her wedding rings off and let them fall into the envelope with the papers. Sealing the envelope, she took determined steps to the bed and left the envelope on Derek's pillow. There was no way he would be able to miss the damn thing. Turning, Meredith left the trailer as her cell phone beeped with an incoming call.

"Hello?" Meredith answered without looking at the screen.

"Shepherd!" Mark boomed over the phone. "Addie and I just touched down in Seattle and we need a lift. Think you can pick up at the airport? We got big news to share!"

* * *

After dropping Mark and Addison at the Archfield, Meredith stood in her mother's living room. White cloths still covered most of the furniture and it didn't feel like a home, but she was going to make it into her home. Ellis had never made anywhere feel like home and it wasn't something she was good at. Placing her hands on her hips, Meredith told herself that she shouldn't have been surprised. Derek failing to make it to her birthday dinner had hurt, but she knew that it would happen in the end. His actions had proven how little he cared for her. Kissing Rose, treating her like crap, and generally being missing from their life proved just how little he cared.

Looking around the house, Meredith took off the white sheets and let them drop to the floor. The furniture was worn and the walls needed a new coat of paint, but the house had the potential to be beautiful again despite all the horrible memories that existed in the walls. Collapsing onto the couch, Meredith kicked off her heels. Propping her heels up on the coffee table, she'd barely closed her eyes when her phone rang. Taking her phone out and looking at the number, Meredith had known that she would not be able to avoid Derek's mother forever. Carolyn Shepherd was like a dog with a bone when she had a cause and hearing her son and daughter-in-law's voices was her cause at the moment. Taking the plunge, Meredith flipped the cell phone out and accepted the call.

"Hi, Carolyn," she greeted quietly with a soft smile. Carolyn Shepherd would always be her idea of what a true mother was and Meredith hated that she was about to deliver horrible news.

"I was beginning to wonder if you and Derek had drowned in the rain out there," Carolyn chuckled. "Happy Birthday, by the way! I can't believe that you're twenty-seven today. It seems like just yesterday you and Derek were getting married. Seven years in a few weeks…time flies."

"Thank you," Meredith said before swallowing hard. She had no idea how to break the news that she was going to reveal. It would be a matter of minutes off the phone with Carolyn that her phone would blow up with calls from his sisters. News traveled fast in the Shepherd family. It still amazed Meredith that she and Addison had been able to conceal her miscarriage from the prying and nosy relatives they had within the Shepherd family.

"What's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"Something is wrong, Meredith? Isn't it? That's why you're being so quiet. Is Derek okay?"

"Derek kissed his scrub nurse. She's this dark haired beauty that apparently all the males at work have a crush on and he kissed her in the freaking scrub room after a surgery. Izzie, this other intern, saw them kissing and the gossip has become unreal." Meredith blurted in one long breath. "Ever since February, Derek has been acting weird and I don't know what to do. I had Addison get divorce papers started for me in New York and she sent them out here and I signed them tonight. I'm divorcing your son, Carolyn."

"You're rambling, dear. Start from the beginning," Carolyn said softly. "Tell me everything, Meredith. Don't leave out any details."

Meredith found herself breaking like a dam. She started telling Carolyn everything and couldn't stop. For nearly an hour, Meredith revealed to her mother-in-law the whole thing about how Derek had gone out one night and how he'd come back acting strange. She explained his behavior and confessed to the belittling and the humiliation that she suffered at his hands at the hospital. Meredith explained how he ignored her at home and they passed each other by like strangers. She explained how he'd abandoned her at her birthday dinner with Richard and Adele Webber. In the space of an hour, Meredith let herself feel every hurt and every slight that Derek had inflicted in the past five months. Pain ripped through her heart and with each admission, Meredith felt her anger growing. She was furious with him and certain that all the anger she'd been sweeping aside to try and keep peace between her and Derek was spilling over.

"Have you spoken with my son?" Carolyn asked cautiously. "Have you told him how you feel?"

"Why would I do that?" Meredith snapped. "I don't want him to give that stupid McDreamy smile thing he does."

"McDreamy?"

"It's what everyone calls him behind his back. Doctor McDreamy! They have no idea! He's a McAss."

"You don't want him to hurt you anymore. That's why you don't want to talk to him."

"I don't even wanna be in the same state as him anymore. Besides, I'm pretty sure if I went to talk to him now, I'd probably kill him. That's how pissed I am at him!"

Neither woman said a word, but they both knew that Carolyn was right. The walls that Derek had managed to take down when she was younger were being built up again and Meredith didn't want to stop. Inside her walls, she felt safe from the world. Withdrawing from him would keep what was left of her heart intact because she was pretty sure he'd shattered it.

"Addison said I should give him another chance after his kissing Rose," Meredith choked out with a bitter laugh. "I tried, but it isn't the same! Derek kissing Rose is not okay. It's not the same as that stupid patient catching me off guard and kissing me for luck! I kept thinking every morning for the past few months that things would be different, but nothing has changed."

"Addison is being optimistic," Carolyn Shepherd snorted in agreement. "You're right. Derek kissing Rose is not the same as the patient kissing you for luck. At this point, you'd just be making excuses for him if you believed that. You're trying to rationalize something that isn't going to be rational to either of us. Derek is the only one who knows why he did it. I don't know what has gotten into my son. I don't know why he is acting the way he is, but you deserve better Meredith."

"What are you saying?"

"If my son isn't treating you right, Meredith. Leave him. I mean it! Leave my son. You love him, but love has its limits. You're like a daughter to me and I don't want to see you hurting."

"And if I were Derek, what would you tell me?"

"To figure out what the hell is wrong with you and your life and fix it."

Meredith couldn't help herself. She laughed because she could very easily see Carolyn Shepherd telling her son those exact words. Carolyn had probably told Mark Sloan those as well when he'd come begging for advice about Addison.

"I raised my son to be a good man." Carolyn continued sounding tired, "I raised him to be a good man and a husband. I expected more for him and you should too. Be the Meredith I know you to be. Don't put up with his crap because you don't deserve what you're getting. Live your life and don't look back. It's up to him to fix what he's broken, not you. The only way you're going to help him is by leaving him, Meredith. I know that sounds bad, but right now…that's all you can do. Addison can tell you to keep giving him chances, but he isn't going to fix what's wrong with him until he's lost something that forces him to examine his life. You're not happy, he's not happy. Why stick around and make each other miserable? Marriage is hard, but marriage doesn't mean that you turn your spouse into an emotional punching bag when it suits you."

"Thank you, Carolyn," Meredith said softly. "I needed to hear that."

"Good, I'm glad I could help. Did Mark and Addison arrive safely?"

"Yes!" Meredith laughed remembering the bear hug Mark had given her. "Mark was happy to be on land. You know how much he hates flying. I think Addison was just happy to get to the hotel and sleep."

* * *

It was rare that Derek Shepherd ever got his ass reamed out by his mother. In his teenage years, Carolyn Shepherd always seemed to be yelling at Derek and Mark, but the older they got the less she yelled at Derek, at least. The same wasn't always said for Mark, but most of the time all it took was Carolyn calling Mark a 'dumbass' to cause a shift in the current. His mother's phone call had been unexpected, but it felt as if she knew something that he didn't. It was clear that she'd talked to Meredith about their relationship and his mother hadn't just called him a dumbass. She'd gone on to call him a slew of explicate words that he rightful deserved to be called.

Pulling up in front of the trailer, Derek saw Meredith's Mercedes parked. Parking next to her car, he took a deep breath and grabbed the bouquet of flowers that was on the passenger's seat next to him. He'd stopped by to get something for her on the way home. Even if it was a small thing, it was something. Derek wanted to get her something because he was so tired of trying to be mad at her. He didn't even know anymore why he felt that way. Just from listening to his mother, he could tell he'd reached the end of the road. Trying to fight and ignore her wasn't how he wanted to live his life anymore. It was exhausting, but he didn't know how to fix what he'd shattered because that was what he was doing. He was shattering his life for no damn good reason that made sense anymore.

Turning off his car, Derek could see a single light on by the door to the trailer and got out. Walking towards the door, he mental tried to figure out what he was going to say, but he came up blank. He'd had the entire ferry boat ride to try and come up with something, but the only thing that he'd managed to realize was that he needed help. He needed help because he was hitting the self destruct button on his marriage. He'd also realized that there were no words that were going to repair the damage he'd done to his marriage and life. Words weren't going to replace what he'd done to Meredith. They weren't going to replace the months of silence and neglect that he'd inflicted on her or how he'd uprooted their lives and dragged her across the country without her consent. They weren't going to replace the many times he'd mocked her or been humiliating towards her in the O.R. and in front of others. Words were going to fix the space between them. It wasn't going to be the magical cure all over night. The only way he could start fixing the damage was to say he was sorry. He couldn't promise Meredith much, but he could promise her that he wasn't going to treat her like he had been. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined he could have stooped so low as to treat her the way he had. She deserved better from him and he certainly didn't deserve her.

Opening the door to the trailer, Derek walked inside and looked towards the bed. He was surprised to find it empty. Her car was parked outside, but she wasn't there. An envelope caught his eye and his heart dropped to his stomach. Dropping his bag, Derek walked towards the bed and it felt as if the world was collapsing around him. Sitting down on the edge, he reached for the envelope. His name was neatly written across the front and turning it over, he felt a weight and dreaded what it could be. Pulling out the contents of the envelope, Derek took the bright blue post-it note off the folded pages and read each word.

_I can't do this any longer. I can't let you break or forget me anymore._

Putting aside the note, he unfolded the pages and stared at the papers. They were divorce papers and flipping to the back, she'd already signed them. Putting them aside with the note, Derek looked inside the envelope and let her wedding rings fall into his palm. The diamonds glittered in the soft light and he knew at that very moment he'd lost her. He'd lost the only woman he'd ever truly loved and it was his entire fault. He'd lost her and he had no one to blame but himself. Picking up his phone, he dialed a phone number he'd never expected himself to dial and waited. The phone went to voicemail and Derek took a deep breath.

"Dr. Wyatt," he said trying to sound calm and collect. "Derek Shepherd…I, uh, was wondering if you had time in your schedule at all this coming week. I have something that I need to talk to you about. If you could call me back at your earliest I would be grateful. I know it's late and I apologize. Thank you."

* * *

Review Responses:

Guest #1: Thank you for the review! More is on the way!:)

Kit147: Thanks for the review! I haven't been quite satisfied with the TV show in a while and I just want a rewrite! LOLv

ultimatefailure17: Thanks for review! More is on the way!:)

Khi33: Thanks for the review! Divorce papers have been served! More is on the way!

japa01: Thanks for the review! More is on the way!

Guest #2: If you like it, don't read. It's as simple as that. You're wasting your time leaving me a paragraph about all the things you don't. I work in nursing and see the rape and abuse cases. This fic will have neither in it. Thank you.

Little Rae of Light: It's coming! Meredith will have her huge blow out! Thanks for the review!

RunSwimBikeEdit: Thanks for the review! I did send you a PM addressing your concerns. Thanks for the review!

lourdi: Thanks for the review! More is on way the way.

Fanofthefab4: I am sorry to hear that happened to you. I can promise you that Derek will not be abusive towards Meredith. Derek can be fixed, and he be. Meredith will be finding her inner shine too. Thanks for the review!:)

Wiizz: Promise electroshocks soon!:)

Dashdoll4life: Glad you're loving the story! More on the way!:)

Zoe: NO ABUSE OR RAPE IN THIS STORY. Things aren't going to get worse from here...just a long journey back to normal. Thanks for the review!:)

sorangel: Thanks for the review! Glad you liked it!:)

* * *

See you soon!

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	4. IV: Someone Like You

**Author's Note: **

**Thank you to everyone who left a review! I did respond to all of them at the bottom! Longest chapter to date, so tuck in and enjoy! There is a lot here, and it will focus on Derek a little bit more than Meredith. Hopefully, Derek's side of things will make a little bit more sense. **

**Thanks! **

**All errors are my own!:( Sorry!**

**It's long! Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter IV**

"…_Never mind, I'll find someone like you  
I wish nothing but the best for you, too  
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you say  
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead…"_

~ "Someone Like You" – Adele

_July 27, 2005_

"He still hasn't called you?" Addison asked as they walked around a high end furniture store looking at various pieces of furniture. Meredith collapsed down on a couch and ran her fingertips over the fabric. After hearing Cristina's confession at the bar about being pregnant, Meredith had silently counted her lucky stars that she wasn't in the family way. She didn't think she had it in her to be divorced from Derek and pregnant with his baby at the same time. At some point in the past, she'd wanted to build a family with him. Mark had always joked that if she and Derek provided the offensive line, that he and Addison would give the Defense. Once upon a time, Meredith had wanted her life to be just like that. She'd wanted at least four kids with him. Derek would have been an amazing father, but that future was gone and letting it go hurt.

"It's only been a day," Meredith told her with a shrug. "I'm not waiting pathetically at the phone for him to call and talk about our impending divorce."

"Nope, you're out furniture shopping. Spending Mark's money best way to get over a break up," Addison grinned. "I like the couch. It's just not expensive enough for my tastes."

Meredith burst out laughing at Addison's words. Mark had handed over his platinum credit card at breakfast that morning to them before he'd gone off to talk to Derek and find a golf course. Addison had called Meredith with specific instructions that they were going to do some retail therapy. It was the one kind of therapy that Addison took seriously above all others.

"So, you don't know if he's signed the papers, yet?" Addison continued as she looked around at different pieces of furniture. "Did you have Mama Shepherd call?"

"She was the very first person that I told about the divorce," Meredith said as she found a few vases that she liked and handed it off to an employee to put with their other purchases. Before she could say another word, her pager went off and Meredith groaned as she looked at it.

"It's the hospital. Think you can manage to furnish my outdated living room and dining room on your own?"

"Go," Addison said with a laugh. "I'll take care of your whole house. God only knows how many times you've done it for me."

Meredith smiled and kissed Addison's cheek before rushing out of the store and back towards her car.

* * *

"We have a very serious problem."

Hearing the familiar old voice of a friend, Derek stood up and grinned as he clasped Mark in a hug. It was good to see the only man he considered a brother. The plastics god grinned back with his devilish smile that always led to Addie scolding the man for something.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Derek greeted as he pulled away. "I had no idea you were in Seattle! I haven't heard from you in months! You've been a damn stranger!"

"Yeah, well...I got offered the position as the head of the plastics department and I start in a few weeks. There was no way in hell I was gonna turn down Webber's offer. Too much money and you know how I like my expensive wine, but we'll talk about that later. We have a very serious problem to solve over fishing and beer."

"What's that?" Derek chuckled asked as he threw his fishing line back into the lake.

"Meredith took my platinum credit card this morning. Says she needed retail therapy and she took Addison with her. So, I figured you'd be fishing. What the hell did you do that requires them to have to fix it with platinum? I just finished paying off the last problem you created that required platinum. You're handing over your black express card next time," Mark grinned as he settled himself in the open camping chair next to Derek and quickly set himself up with his own fishing line.

Mark cast his line, but Derek was left pondering exactly what to say to his best friend. There were no easy or polite words to say what had happened. Meredith had left him and it was obvious from how speedily she'd left him on her birthday that she'd been planning to leave him for some time. She'd had papers drawn up and she'd asked the courts for nothing that was his. Derek's money was his to keep and her few possessions were hers. It was quick and clean. No long drawn out battles or anything to inflict further pain.

"Well, you gonna tell me why Meredith is currently doing damage to my credit report?" Mark demanded as he grabbed a beer from Derek's cooler. "Or am I going to have to guess? Because I can get creative…"

"Whatever happened between you and Addison? I know that you and her broke up, but every time we went to talk about it, you were drunk." Derek said trying to keep his emotions in check. Something felt off to him. At some point, he'd misunderstood and had screwed up badly. Nothing made sense anymore and his head hurt from trying to figure it out. Mark shifted uncomfortably for a moment before letting out a long breath.

"Addie has had four miscarriages in the past year and a half. Right after Christmas, she was planning to leave me. She and I have always talked about having kids and she got this crazy idea into her head that she wouldn't be able to have any more kids considering the number of miscarriages she'd had. She claims to have and I quote 'a hostile uterus which could not support my sperm setting up camp'. Whatever the hell that means…only she didn't tell me that or anything else. She just moved out and was getting the divorce papers ready when Meredith convinced her to go see a therapist. Meredith told Addison to give the therapist a few months and then make her choice. I had no idea this was going on, I just thought that my wife was leaving me," Mark chuckled as he raised the beet bottle to his lips. "Meredith set up a support group with all the Shepherd sisters for Addison. Amazingly, they all kept it a secret and a few days after you and Meredith left New York, I went to her and well, we're together officially. We are staying married. I wanted you to hear it first from me. Addie was offered the position of department head of neonatal surgery. She took it. Starts soon."

Derek groaned and took off his Yankees ball cap.

He had gotten wrong.

He'd gotten everything wrong and Mark only confirmed his suspicions.

Dropping his fishing line and leaning forward, Derek cradled his head in his hands as he tried to come up with something to say.

"Don't get all excited, Shepherd," Mark said mockingly. "I only just avoided a date with a divorce lawyer."

"I'm getting a divorce." Derek blurted out before he could stop himself and launched into a lengthy explanation of everything that had happened since February. He spared Mark no details about the breakdown of his marriage. Each word coming from his lips sounded worse than one before and Derek seriously wondered how he'd rationalized that anything he said made sense. Meredith had married a mad man and she was probably smart to leave him.

"You shithead!" Mark exclaimed as he stood up. Without warning, Derek felt himself and his chair propelled towards the pond. He wasn't prepared for the impact of the water and took a gulp of the dirty water before natural instinct kicked in. He kicked his feet to propel himself to the surface just as Mark continued his ass ripping.

"You treated her like crap because you thought she had something to do with me and Addie's break up? She's like my freaking sister! She wouldn't screw me over like that! Where the hell is your head, Shep?"

"Up my ass apparently," Derek murmured after spouted water from his mouth.

"What the hell are you going to do to fix this?" Mark demanded with his hands on his hips.

"What can I do? She signed divorce papers. Meredith made it very clear that she doesn't want to be with me and I don't blame her," Derek yelled back as he swam towards the dock.

"Don't start that shit! Don't you do the pity thing! You fucked this shit up! You don't get to feel sorry for yourself. You know what you do, Derek?" Mark yelled from the dock. "You haul your ass up out of the water and you get back into the boxing ring because you and I both know how Meredith is gonna respond to this."

"She's gonna do the dirty mistress routine that you've taught her," Derek groaned as he hauled himself out of the lake and sat on the edge of the dock. "She's gonna start sleeping with a long list of inappropriate men to get over me. Thanks for teaching her that, by the way. Maybe it's best that things between us end."

Mark grabbed Derek by the shoulder and shoved him back into the pond. Derek surfaced a few moments later and peeled a weed off his head.

"Do you want your wife back?" Mark yelled.

"I do want her back," Derek said angrily. "I just don't think she's going to take me back! Mark, I've put her through hell and back. I think that I'm officially the male version of Ellis Grey to her. I can't come back from that. Even seeing Doctor Wyatt isn't going to win her back."

"Who?"

"A therapist," Derek groaned as he pulled himself back up onto the dock. "I need a therapist because something is clearly wrong with me. I treat my wife like crap for months and I kissed my scrub nurse. Something is clearly wrong with me. I fucked up."

"You kissed you're scrub nurse?" Mark yelled as a vein popped in his temple. "What the fuck? You leave New York for a handful of weeks and everything falls apart! Jesus! You certainly hit the freaking self destruct button."

Derek nodded and Mark shoved him into the pond again.

"Stop that!" Derek yelled as he surfaced again. "Do you see now? I don't think my wife will take back."

"You won't know if you don't try," Mark pronounced with a grin. "That's what you told me earlier this year and look at me! Addie and I are together and we're trying to expand the Sloan duo to a hopeful trio. I do have one question for you Shepherd."

"What?"

"Why?"

"Why what?" Derek asked looking confused.

"Why the hell did you kiss the scrub nurse?" Mark demanded heatedly.

Before Derek could say a work, his pager went off and Mark looked at it, "Hospital 9-1-1. Get you ass out of the water. It's filthy! You won't win Meredith back smelling like something that's died."

* * *

_July 30, 2005_

Meredith followed Cristina into the supply closet. Derek had tried to offer her Joe's standstill operation with him, but she'd refused it. She didn't want to be anywhere near him. The wounds that he'd left were still deep and she wasn't sure they'd ever heal right. Sneaking away felt like the best option.

"Alright, details. We never finished our conversation from last night on the phone," Meredith said softly as she locked the door behind her. "You're pregnant? What are you gonna do?"

"You know what happens to pregnant surgical interns," Cristina said passionately. "I am not switching to the vagina squad or spending my life popping zits. I'm too talented for that crap. Surgery is my life!"

"Who the hell are you sleeping with?" Meredith wondered out loud. "Is it an attending?"

"Yes. Who are you getting divorced from?"

"I'll tell you, if you tell me," Meredith reasoned as if they were children.

"Deal," Cristina said. "Count of three. 1, 2, 3…"

"Burke."

"Shepherd," Meredith said at the same time as Cristina.

"Holy crap! Shepherd! That's who you're married to?!" Cristina exclaimed. "That's who you're divorcing? Mere…we have to talk about that. Forget me being pregnant. Shepherd?! You married a neuro god?"

"You can't just bring something like being pregnant up and then not talk about it!" Meredith shot back. "We're not changing subjects. You tell anyone about Derek and the whole hospital will know that you're eggo is preggo with Burke's baby."

"Fair," Cristina said looking fairly impressed as she unlocked the door and yanked it open.

Meredith stepped out of the closet and spotted Derek walking towards her. He spotted her and tried to walk towards her, but Meredith slipped onto the elevator before he could. It was childish to be running from one's soon to be ex-spouse, but she didn't want to talk to him. She was in full running mode and he wasn't going to ruin her day. She let out a breath as she stepped onto the elevator just before the door closed…effectively blocking him out of her life.

* * *

"So, Congratulations are in order." Derek said as he spotted Preston Burke standing in front of the O.R. board. Part of coming out to Seattle had been Richard's promise of someday being chief of surgery. In light of recent events, Derek was beginning to wonder if he really wanted to be chief.

If Meredith left him like she planned to, would the title still mean something to him?

"Don't sweat it, Shepherd," Burke replied with a smile before the both started walking towards the nurse's station. "I'll only be your boss for a few days."

"I'm well aware of Richard's recovery time," Derek answered as he followed. "I'm the one who operated on him, remember?"

"I do. He survived and chose me to take over and you missed your wife's birthday dinner as a result," Burke grinned happily.

Derek stopped at the nurse's station and grabbed a pen to sign charts, "Clearly, he has brain damage."

"Is it true?"

Derek looked up at Burke's words with a raised brow, "Is what true?"

"You're getting a divorce? I'm sorry to hear that. Rumor mills amok with all kind of stories…"

"It's an involuntarily separation," Derek answered as he put his hands on his hips. "It's not really your business or anyone else's. How's Yang by the way? She looked a little sick, I hope you don't get the flu either."

Burke looked uncomfortable for a moment before Meredith joined the duo. Derek looked at Burke with a raised brow as Addison showed up with a smug look on her face.

"Thank you, Burke for giving me Grey today," Addison grinned. "I appreciate it. I know that Doctor Shepherd asked for her as well."

"You don't want in on my standstill, Doctor Grey?" Derek asked Meredith with a raised brow as he crossed his arms. "It's a cool surgery. You might find that you like neuro."

"No, thank you, Doctor Shepherd, I'd rather be able to get through this residency with my nerves intact," Meredith said quietly before she and Addison walked away. Burke looked at Derek with a raised brow before a smile came over his face.

"Best of luck to you on your marriage, Shepherd."

* * *

"That took a lot of nerve requesting Meredith, Addison," Derek whispered harshly to Addison as they stood in the middle of the hallway on the surgical floor. They were getting several glances from interns and residences alike, but Derek ignored them. He'd requested Meredith to be his intern so that he could speak with her, but Addison had been under handed. Derek hadn't cared about the standstill operation, he'd just wanted to be able to speak with Meredith in his office alone and not worry about being interrupted. God, he just wanted her back in his arms like she had been nights before.

"She came highly recommended," Addison said with a teasing smile that she'd learned from Mark.

"Right," Derek scoffed as he rested his hands on his hips.

"So, you don't recommend your own wife?"

"What? No—I mean yes, I do recommend her," Derek said feeling immediately confused. "Oh, just shut up."

He could easily understand how Mark lost arguments right and left with Addison. Derek had been friends with her for years, but he didn't like Addison in that moment. Meredith came down the hallway at that very moment looking worn and weary as she approached them like an abused animal that was unsure around humans.

"Addie," she said calmly. "Labs confirm what look like abnormalities on the ultrasound. I thought you should know so you could take a look for yourself."

Addison nodded before walking off, leaving Meredith alone in the hallway with him. Jumping at the chance, Derek cut her off before she could follow Addison. He gently grabbed her slender wrist and Meredith let him drag her away into an empty on-call room. He closed the door behind him and locked it.

"What the hell do you want?" Meredith demanded as she stared back at him with her arms crossed over her chest. Derek let out a long breath before running a hand through his hair.

"I know that the past few months haven't been easy—" he began, but she cut him off.

"Oh, don't you dare!" Meredith hissed. "Don't you dare do what I know you're going to do! Don't do the whole 'dreamy' speech that you do! Don't! I want a divorce and I already signed the papers. Now, you sign them too and we end this horrible thing. That's how this works, Derek."

"We haven't even talked about this!" Derek shot back. "You haven't even given me a chance to—"

"A chance!? To what?! Yell me at more? Humiliate me some more in the O.R.? I've only had four surgeries with you and you have made me look like an idiot in each and every one of them. Asking me questions that a fifth year neuro resident would know. A fifth year, Derek! You ignore me at home and you think I should give you a chance?"

"Meredith—"

"I gave you chances! I gave you a chance at my birthday! I gave you a chance to be honest about kissing Rose! Hell, I gave up my life in Manhattan for a chance to be happy with you again! I have given far more than I have ever taken from you! That's all I do it seems! I give and you take from me. So, you do not get to come here and ask me to give you a chance! I have nothing left to give you because you have taken everything from me, Derek!"

"You haven't given me a chance to apologize," Derek said calmly as her chest rose and fell with anger. "You haven't given me a chance to explain and say that I'm sorry. So please, can we just have a calm conversation. I made an appointment with Doctor Wyatt to help us—"

"Why do we need Doctor Wyatt? Tell me, what has been so wrong with you these past few months? Tell me why you can't even look me in the eyes or kiss me! Tell me what happened and how everything has become so screwed up." Meredith demanded furiously, "Please, enlighten me because I don't know what the hell has happened to my life. One moment it was perfect and now, everything I have loved and cared about is either gone or in shambles. My family, my home…everything is gone or back east. You owe me an explanation."

"Please, Meredith," Derek said as he tiredly closed his eyes and blinked them back open. "Not here. Let's do this with Doctor Wyatt."

"This is your chance," Meredith spat back angrily. "You have this once chance to tell me what has been going on or you have no chance at all."

"You're going to hate me," Derek murmured to her as he leaned back against the door. "Please—"

"I already have started to hate you," Meredith told him bluntly. "I hate you for putting me through agony, but I hate myself more for continuing to love you through all this. What happened? Did you cheat on me in New York or do you have some secret love-child back in there?"

Derek took a deep breath as he rested his hands on his hips, "I thought that you had broken up Mark and Addison's marriage and it scared the the hell out of me because I thought that the woman I married was a complete fraud."

"What?" Meredith nearly yelled after a second. "You thought I did what?!"

"I overheard Addison and my sisters talking…Addison kept going on about how you'd gotten her help and had gotten her out of her relationship…I thought she was talking about Mark. I thought that you had broken up my best friend's marriage. I thought that the woman I love was a fraud and I felt like I was having an identity crisis because if it was true than I had no idea what else the woman I married might have been capable of. It was a mistake. A misunderstanding…I know that you're angry—"

"I am beyond angry!" Meredith shouted and no longer cared if others heard them in the hospital. "There are no words to describe how angry I am right now. You don't trust me! You think that I would break up Addison's marriage? The woman who was my maid of honor at our wedding? The first woman who was my first real, true friend in New York after I met you? Addison? Someone I think of as if she were my sister? Are you crazy?"

"Meredith—"

"You believed me capable of meddling in Mark and Addison's relationship and you silently become my judge, jury, and executioner. You didn't even tell me what it was that I'd done wrong! You've punished for months because of that? God, Derek! You've ignored me for months at home and here…if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a third year resident in an intern's body…you could have screwed me over in my career! God! I can't believe you! You've ignored me and neglected me and made me feel…God! I love you, but I hate you so much. We had a life in New York! We had a good, wonderful life with friends and family! Finally, I had something that I wanted to a part of! I had a family that I loved and they loved me! My life finally made me happy and you smashed it! Smashed it for what? Some stupid little conversation that you overheard between Addison and your sisters? That's what you smashed everything up for? Derek..."

"I am sorry," he tried. "Meredith—"

"No! Don't tell me that you're sorry. Sorry isn't going to fix the past few months, Derek." Meredith said as she uncrossed her arms from her chest. "Sorry isn't going to bring back anything. I thought that if I went along with moving here to Seattle that you'd…cheer up. I have had no idea what the hell has been going on with you for months. You're…treating me like crap and kissing that scrub nurse, Rose."

"It was one kiss Meredith and it meant nothing."

"You say it means nothing! To me, it is only one more reason why I should leave you. You could have told me and explained why. Maybe I would have forgiven you, but Derek…how can we trust each other? You don't trust me for some reason because you think I'm capable of breaking down Mark and Addison's marriage. You believed a conversation that you overheard from your sisters and Addison! You didn't even ask me! How can I be married to you? How can I share my life with you? You don't trust me! How the hell does anyone have a relationship based on that?"

"This is not all on me," Derek spat. "You don't trust me enough to tell me when you're having suicidal thoughts. You don't tell anyone when you want to drown yourself in our bathtub. Or did you forget what happened last fall? Do you want me to remind you of how I pulled you out of our bathtub, Meredith because you were trying to drown yourself and I came home too early for you to finish? I wasn't sure if I could trust you and you can't even trust me with your life and well being."

"I was not trying to kill myself and this has nothing to do with Addison and Mark breaking up," Meredith fired back. "Stop while you're ahead, Derek. You have no idea of you're talking about."

"No! That is just an example of how much we don't trust each other. You attempted suicide and—"

"I fell asleep in the tub because I was exhausted!" Meredith yelled as something inside her snapped and tears came to her eyes. "I'd just had a miscarriage the week before! I had been six weeks pregnant and I had no one to talk because all you wanted to do was that stupid brain mapping project at New York Presbyterian! Every moment that I had alone was a moment that I could deal with my grief on my own because all you wanted to talk about and involve yourself in was work! You were so damn busy at the hospital! You were never around and the night you found me in the bathroom, I had just spent three hours crying over the loss of my child and I was exhausted! My body was healing and I was hurting and I fell asleep in the warm water. It soothed the aches I was having as a result of letting my body go through a natural miscarriage instead of getting the D &amp; C like Addison had suggested. That's not suicide, Derek! That's exhaustion and starvation for comfort. That was what I needed! That was what I trusted you to give and you didn't even notice that I was in pain. You thought I had the flu and you didn't want to get sick. So, this whole divorce thing…this is about me needing a person and God, I love you, but you are not that person."

Derek stared at her eyes and she choked back tears. He was the first person besides Addison that she'd told about the miscarriage and Meredith refused to cry. She wasn't going to let him see her upset. She wasn't going to show him anymore of her pain.

"Meredith—"

"Don't," she snapped as a tear betrayed her and fell down her cheek. "Don't say anything. Please don't do the nice husband thing and offer comfort. Not after the conversation we've just had and you accusing me of being an instrumental part in the supposed breakup of Mark and Addison. Don't do that and please, don't cheapen the loss of my baby by pretending to care for me. Just sign the damn papers and let me try to put my life back together after the wrecking ball that you took to it in New York. That's all I need you to do and if you care about me in any small way, that's what you'll do. All you do is take from me, Derek, and I give. For once, I need to be the one taking and this is all I need to take from you. So please, just give that to me. Sign the papers, please."

Meredith stared at him for a moment longer before walking around him and exiting the on-call room.

* * *

_August 1, 2005_

Derek turned off his cell phone and pager. He wasn't on-call tonight and for the next hour, no one was going to be bothering him. It had been a long day and meeting with Dr. Wyatt was going to be good for his peace of mind. He hadn't been able to sleep the night before. Meredith's revelation about losing a child had been hard to swallow.

How had he missed any signs of Meredith's pregnancy?

It had been early, but there had to have been some signs that her body was changing and getting ready for motherhood. He was a trained doctor and he'd missed it. Guilt also filled his senses because he couldn't stop wondering if maybe there had been something to stop the miscarriage.

Had Meredith slipped and fallen down?

Had she been over stressed or had there been some other kind of trauma?

Sleep had eluded him to no end as Derek had laid in bed most of the night trying to figure out how he'd screwed up so badly in their relationship.

How had Meredith gone through such a traumatic loss without him knowing and how the hell had he failed so spectacularly as a husband?

How had their world fallen apart at the seams?

There had been too many questions in his mind the night before and too many hard truths had stared him straight in the eyes. After nearly twenty minutes of silence, Dr. Wyatt cleared her throat and looked at him.

"How was your day?"

"Long," Derek said as he crossed his legs. "It always feels like there aren't enough hours in the day. Not all days, but some days, Doctor Wyatt. I think you understand that feeling being a doctor as well."

"I do, Doctor Shepherd. Tell me about your life back in New York," Wyatt smiled politely. "What did you do?"

Swallowing, Derek took a deep breath before beginning, "I worked at New York Presbyterian. I was one of the top neurosurgeons there. In the department, we were working on mapping the brain. It was exciting work. The President was on board with the project and we had funding from the government."

"It sounds like it was time consuming," Wyatt smiled as she made a note in the chart she had for him. Derek already resented her pen, but took a deep breath before continuing.

"It was. I wasn't home often," he told her as he looked down at his hand. "Last year… in New York…it felt like I lived at the hospital. I talked to my wife on the phone...we had pretty much started living separate lives. I didn't come home often and when I did, it was to sleep, shower, or change. Meredith…she was the one who made the effort. She's always been the glue. She'd show up for crappy hospital food dinners and I don't even wanna think of the amount of times we had quickies in an on-call room because I couldn't drag myself away from work to go home and make love to my wife in the privacy of our own bed. I feel like I cheapened my marriage just thinking about it."

"You sound regretful."

"I'm beginning to see exactly why the hell my wife gave me divorce papers. I don't blame her," he murmured. "I'm more curious to know why the hell she waited this long."

"Tell me about you and your wife, Doctor Shepherd," Wyatt asked. "How did you meet?"

"We meet through her godfather, Richard Webber," Derek explained. "He was being honored with an award from New York Presbyterian in 1998. Meredith was there to support him and I was a man struck by lightning. Love at first sight. It didn't matter that she was a nineteen and I was a 29 year old resident. None of that mattered. We got married with friends and family surrounding us a few months later. We were happy for a long time. We had weekly double dates with Addison and Mark, our friends, to nice restaurants and clubs. We went to hospital functions and spent time with family and friends. I had my position as an attending at NYP and she had medical school at Columbia. She graduated this past year at the top of her class."

"Who paid for that?" Wyatt asked as she made more notes. "You?"

Derek shifted uncomfortably and uncrossed his legs, "No, I offered, but Meredith refused. Her grandmother left a trust fund that was carefully managed by a family lawyer. It's worth something close to twenty million dollars. My wife had no problem affording her education and she's proud of that. She and I lived separately before we married and once we got married…money was never a problem in our relationship."

"You say you were so happy in New York, why the sudden move to Seattle?" Wyatt questioned.

Derek closed his eyes and shook his head, "It's complicated."

"Uncomplicated it," Wyatt encouraged with a smile.

"Richard Webber offered me the job of department head of neurosurgery," Derek stated bluntly. "The salary is six and a half million and that's a hard number to say no to. He also promised that I would be considered for the position of chief after he retired."

"I sense an 'and' coming," Wyatt said as the encouraging smile never left her face.

"I wish I could say that I took the job thinking of the future," Derek admitted as he crossed his legs. "I wish I could say that I took the job thinking of Meredith and any kids that we might have had. I wish I could tell you that I was thinking about how it would make it possible for Meredith to stay at home with them if she wanted. Pick and choose her surgical schedule and be a mother like I know she wants to be as well as an extraordinary surgeon. This job would have made it easy to pay for our children's schooling…I wish I could use that noble answer, but that would be lying."

"Why did you really take the job?" Wyatt asked with a frown.

"Because I wanted Meredith and Addison as far apart as possible…Mark was hurting and I just…I wanted Meredith out of the situation. So, I took the job. I said yes to get away from the uncomfortable situation," Derek sighed.

"And she followed you willingly?" Wyatt asked as she raised a brow in surprise. "Meredith just…gave everything up?"

"Meredith was…confused, I know that. She told me that yesterday. We were barely speaking and she just…went along with it, I guess. She did most of the packing and I made the arrangements of everything. I think she did it just for peace's sake and for our marriage. I told you, she's the glue. I know that she'd been looking forward to doing her residency at New York Presbyterian. I feel like I robbed her of that." Derek explained to Wyatt quietly, "I'm beginning for feel like I've robbed her of a lot of things. I've always been the one to take in our relationship and Meredith, she's a giver. That's how she explained it yesterday, and I think she's right. Deep down, I think she wants love and after all the crap that Ellis put her through…sometimes it feels like she doesn't know how to accept love or what love looks like…she just gives until she has nothing left and all I've done is take from her without really showing her what love looks like and how to accept it."

"You spoke earlier that you ignored her, neglected her. Humiliated her in the O.R…why do you think you treated her that way, Doctor Shepherd?"

Derek was silent a moment before looking up at Wyatt, "I think that I was petrified. I was afraid that she wasn't the woman that I'd married. Meredith, the woman that I had married, would have never done something like breaking up a friend's marriage. All the evidence that I thought I had pointed in the opposite direction. I didn't want to think that she could have done such a thing, but listening to Addison and my sisters…"

"Their words out of contexts were overwhelmingly convincing that Meredith had been the sole destroyer of your best friend's marriage," Wyatt finished sympathetically. "You were afraid that your wife wasn't the person that she displayed to the world? You were afraid that everything had been a lie?"

"Yes, I suppose," Derek said as a wave of emotions hit him. "I wanted to confront her about what I'd heard, but I didn't want to at the same time. I thought that it would be easier to just keep her at arm lengths away. I didn't want to believe that she was capable of breaking down Mark and Addison's marriage. It was easier to keep her away and be distant. It was easier to be mean to her than to have to face her and the possible truth that she was capable of doing such a thing. I didn't want to have to learn some god awful truth that the woman that I love and adore was a liar and that she could betray her loved ones…that would mean our whole life was built on lies. So, I did the running this time. I shut her out and I hurt the one person I love the most in the world. I'm sitting here saying these things out loud and talking myself through this and I sound like a man who can't trust himself or his wife. Meredith thinks I'm crazy and I sound crazy, Wyatt. I don't even know how things have gotten this bad. I don't how we've run so far apart."

"Excuse me," Doctor Wyatt asked looking confused. "Running?"

"When Meredith and I first started dating, she warned me that she was a runner. She went to therapy for the first two years we were together. When I asked her why, she told me that she'd found the one guy that she didn't want to run from. It was me, I was it for her. She just needed to learn how not to run. I promised her that I wouldn't run from her, but I did. Hell, I even put it in my wedding vows that I wouldn't run from her and I have," Derek explained with a sad smile. "I was the one that went running when things got murky and difficult. I've made a simple misunderstanding into a natural disaster. Now, she's running and I don't blame her."

"Do you think you may have been looking for an out to your marriage at any point?"

"What?" Derek asked confused by the question.

"Do you think that maybe pushing Meredith away with your behavior was your subconscious way of saying that you were finished? That you didn't want to be married anymore?" Wyatt asked with a raised brow.

"No, I love my wife. I don't want to be separated. Maybe I subconsciously felt that way at the time, but now…no, I don't want to be separated. I just don't see how the hell it's possible to fix what I've screwed up so badly. I realized that when I kissed Rose, my scrub nurse. It was purely impulse. Meredith and I hadn't been physical in months. I had closed myself off from her, but when I kissed Rose…it felt like I was kissing the wrong woman because I was. Meredith is the only woman that I want to spend the rest of my life kissing good morning and good night and every other moment in between. Kissing Rose only proved that my wife is who I want to be with."

Wyatt closed her note pad and capped her pen. Leaning forward, she smiled at Derek.

"I think we made a lot of progress today, Derek. When I see you next week, I want you to have an answer for me. It's a simple question, but I want you to think long and hard about it. I want you to think about who is and who isn't there…what you're doing and what makes you happy as you answer this question."

"What's your question, Wyatt?"

"What do you want from your life, Doctor Shepherd?"

* * *

_August 5, 2005 _

It was pouring rain when Meredith finally parked her mother's old jeep in front of Derek's trailer. Grabbing her bag and turning off the car, Meredith made a dash towards the awning that covered the trailer's deck. Dropping her expensive canvas bag on the step, Meredith sat down next to him and didn't say a word. She hadn't called, but had rather shown up at the trailer. Meredith didn't want to be alone, but she'd run out of options. Addison was on a hot date with Mark, Adele was at some church function, and Bailey was with Cristina. The one place that Meredith couldn't bring herself to be for a moment longer and she didn't care that it made her a bad friend. Sitting next to Cristina and waiting for her to wake up had been like being doused in acid and forced to remember her own painful experience. Derek had been her only option and she was strangely at peace with her decision because she knew that he'd understand. He wouldn't turn her away.

The past few days had been long and uncomfortable. Her mother showing up at Seattle Grace had raised plenty of questions that Meredith didn't want to answer. Cristina's ectopic pregnancy the day before had brought up unpleasant memories that she didn't even want to consider. Burke and Cristina's relationship had become the major topic of gossip and yet, somehow, her spat with Derek in the on-call room had happened under the radar. Even Addison had been surprised that the fight hadn't become juicy gossip when Meredith had told her about it. Wordlessly, Derek handed over his tumbler filled with single malt scotch. Swishing the amber contents around in the glass, Meredith smiled. He'd gotten the good, expensive stuff out for tonight. Without saying a word, she tipped back the contents of the glass and closed her eyes. The sound of rain falling was soothing and her own body felt just a little less tense as she let nature surround her senses. Swallowing, she handed him the tumbler back and brought her knees to her chest as she looked out over the land they owned. Everything around them was so peaceful.

"How did we get so screwed up?" She wondered out loud to him. Her question lingered in the air for a few minutes as Derek poured out more scotch and offered the tumbler back to her with a grim look on his face.

"I don't know, but I want what we had back. I want it back and I want it better than it was, Meredith." Derek said as she drank the scotch. It was already giving her the warm feeling inside that Derek used to. Meredith was sure that he'd turn her into an alcoholic someday if she wasn't careful around him. His touch and kisses could be just as addicting as cheap tequila and good, expensive scotch.

"How was Wyatt?" Meredith asked as she finally turned to look at him. "Did she give you any good advice?"

He was dressed for the forest more than she was. Dressed in a baseball cap, blue jeans, a red zip-up sweater, and a light grey jacket, Derek looked handsome. Despite her leaving him, Meredith still felt the sexual pull to him that she was sure would never go away. He was the only man she'd ever loved and even now, she wanted him. She wanted his kisses and she wanted his touch. One night just didn't feel like it had been enough. She wanted another night, but knew if she gave them that…she wouldn't be able to walk away from him like she needed to.

"She asked me what I wanted from my life," Derek said as his blue eyes met her hazel. "She asked me to think about it for a few days and I have."

"And what do want from your life?" Meredith asked him softly as he stood up. He went inside the trailer for a moment and returned with a wool blanket. Taking it from him, Meredith wrapped it around her as he sat back down next to her. He was silent for a few minutes as the rain continued to pour around them.

"Meredith," he said when he finally spoke up. "In New York…that brain mapping project was everything to me. It consumed every part of my life and it left nothing for you. I was absent from our life…because that's what we share. It's not my life and it's not your life…it's our life. That's what we decided we wanted when we were married and wanted be together. I've been a shitty husband. I've been an absent husband and I've been a jackass. I've ignored when you needed help. I've been a bastard to you and I know that it will take you a long time to trust me again. I did take a wrecking ball to our relationship. You are right about that, but that mapping project wasn't what I wanted."

"You're not making sense, Derek," Meredith murmured.

"I live for getting the difficult tumors, Meredith. I love clipping aneurysms and seeing a patient smile because they get a second chance at life. I love getting to save a person's life with my hands and I don't need to be anything more than that. I don't need to be a part of fancy project to save lives. I get to walk into an O.R. and do it every day. That's a gift, Meredith. That's what has always been important to me, but there is one thing that is more important to me than surgery and that is you."

"Derek—"

"I want to be the husband that comes home and has dinner ready because God and I both know that you can't cook. You try, you do and I love you, but you can't cook," he smiled at her. "I want to be the dad that goes to ballet recitals, takes too many pictures and embarrasses his kids at soccer games. I want to go to father-daughter dances and I want to get to play catch in the back yard with my kids. I want to be a good husband to you. I want to aspire to be the man you of dream. I don't want to be the man that I've become because I can be so much more than that. We can be so much more than what we've been the past few months. I love you and I want to spend my lifetime with you, so please, let's not throw this away. Not yet, Meredith...we were happy once upon a time…let's be happy for the rest of the story because I believe we have a story. I believe we have a very beauty, rich, colorful story mapped out for us and I don't want to lose it. You're the only woman that I love and want to share that story with. That's what I want from my life and I want that life with you."

Meredith stood and offered him the tumbler back. Derek took it back as she folded the blanket in her arms and sighed, "So, hypothetically, if I were to take you back…we would be on trial…we'd have rules and terms, Derek."

"Okay…so, we'd be on trial," Derek nodded as he poured more scotch. "What are these rules and terms?"

"First, we wouldn't live together," Meredith sighed. "I'm not living in this trailer where I can't even take a freaking bath. Secondly, we'd have to go on dates every week and we would not talk about anything that is related to the hospital or medicine. It would be about us and rebuilding what we've lost. Third, once a week, you meet with Doctor Wyatt and if you miss that meeting, you have to make it up. No excuses."

"Done, but we should both see Doctor Wyatt," Derek murmured to her. "It would be good for both of us. We could…talk openly and she could help."

"Alright, I can agree to that, but you haven't heard all my rules and terms," Meredith said as she hugged herself.

"I will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work," Derek told her as he looked into her eyes, "You know that, Meredith."

"The fourth rule that I have," Meredith ignored him and continued. "No sleepovers and no sex. You live here at the trailer for right now and I will live at my mother's house. I'm not ready to…be open with my body to you."

"That's a lot of rules," Derek observed sadly as he swirled his scotch in his glass.

"I have a lot of hurt to get over," Meredith told him unhappily. "I just…I need space. Think of us as being a little kid on a bike with training wheels again."

"Training wheels have to come off sometime."

"I haven't even gotten on the bike, Derek. Let alone started peddling," Meredith sighed tearfully as she sat down next to him again. "I don't even know if I want to get back on the bike again. I don't even know what I want out of a relationship with you, Derek. And that scares the hell out of me because a year ago…you were my…everything. You were my person, my best friend…hell, you were the father of my child at one point, but now…I don't know what I want. My world feels like everything has been tilted and nothing makes sense anymore."

Derek offered her the scotch and she gulped it down quickly.

"We'll get through this," Derek whispered. "I know we will."

"I don't know if I can believe that," Meredith said as she looked at him. "I don't know what to believe anymore. I need time, Derek. I need time to figure out if I want you. Don't make the mistake of thinking I've forgiven for anything. I…I think maybe we should see other people. I should go. Coming here was a mistake."

Putting the empty tumbler down, Meredith stood up and grabbed her canvas tote. Not looking back, she walked to her jeep and left him on the deck without another word.

* * *

**Response to Reviews: **

**Sorangel:** Thank you for the review! Glad you're loving the story!

**Little Rae of Light:** Thanks for the review! Not sure what you meant by 'coming around'…not sure what I was supposed to come around for, but I'm glad you liked the chapter! Hope you liked this one as well!:)

**Willaimsm98:** Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Guest #1:** Thank you for the review! Thank you for your kind words! I kind have been taking a bashing here, but I have enjoyed breaking the MerDer story mold!:) I can't please everyone, but I'm glad you're enjoying the story!:)

**Lourdi:** Thanks for the review! Mrs. Shepherd will be coming back soon! And who knows…maybe Derek can still salvage things…but who knows…

**Baseballbabe19:** Thanks for the review! I was so mad like everyone that he didn't admit, but that would have been too easy. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story! Hope you liked this chapter!:)

**Patsy:** Thanks for the review! McDreamy had some words this chapter, but I promise that Meredith won't give easily. Derek's coming to the lord meeting is going to be a process, but I think we can safely say that he has started:) As for condoms breaking or leaking…I will let time tell that story…

**Wiizz:** Don't cry! Mama Shepherd will be back with plenty of words! Thank you for the review! More is on the way…

**Melanie:** How was that for fireworks? Thanks for the review! We're just starting with the fireworks…Derek has a lot of ground to cover and who knows who Meredith might pick up at a bar…More is on the way…

**Guest #2:** Thanks for the review! More is on the way!

**Sorangel:** I'm so glad you're loving it…Derek begging is one thing, but he's got a lot of ground to cover before he's forgiven! Buckle up…we're on a rollercoaster ride…

**GayleLynn:** Thanks for the review! Glad you found the story! I do reply to all reviews so feel free to post anything and I will see if I can answer! I do occasionally leave a spoiler and all I can say is that we are in for a rollercoaster ride…enjoy!:)

**Khi33:** Thanks for the review! Glad to know this is one of your favorites! More is on the way!:)

**Guest #3:** Thank you for the review! I'm glad to know that you love the story! More is on the way! Mama Shepherd will be back soon!:)

**Japa01:** Thanks for the review! Hope you didn't have to wait too long! Glad you enjoyed last chapter! Hope you enjoyed this one!:)

**Ultimatefailure17:** Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:)

**Dreyyy:** Thank you for the review! Derek does act and is too late…maybe not…maybe he is too late…time will only tell…I can tell you that there will be groveling. I can't say how much, but this will not be an easy fix. More is on the way! Glad you're enjoying the story!:)

**BrewedCaster:** Thank you for the review! I'm glad you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:)

**Zoe:** Hi Zoe, thank you for the review!

I'm not quite sure where to start my response. I'll tell you, I'm not someone who reveals everything at once. You have to sometimes wait for a thing to be brought out or connect the dots yourself. As you know now, Derek is only now just learning about Mark and Addison being back together. He knows he did wrong and he wants to fix it. As for not having redeeming qualities, I think Derek will have some and you will see them, but like everyone else, he is flawed. To write a story where no one is flawed, or isn't jealous, or acts out in anger, or makes mistakes, isn't real. People are all those things and I want to write my characters as people. I want them to be dimensional not fluffy little bunnies. Couples fight and they do things they regret or do things in anger. People jump to conclusions and that has consequences. People are insecure and it comes out in different ways. That's how people act and it's how I want to write characters. That's how I've always written characters. Clearly, both Meredith and Derek have communication issues and it has come out in different ways. It's brought them to a cross road and choices will be made.

I can only tell you this, if you want a fluffy, Derek is always perfect and never makes a mistake and is McDreamy at all times, this may not be your story. IF you want to read a story with comedy, sad times, happy times, with real life problems, emotions, and solutions…stick with this one. You won't always agree with what a character does. You'll probably want to scream and yell at some point, but I want you to connect with my characters.

So yes, Derek is an ass. There is a lot of issues between Meredith and Derek and I think that if you stick with the story, you'll see that they go a lot deeper and it's not just Derek. Meredith has her own set of problems. They both do.

So, I'll stop my little rant here and let you make of this what you will. Please, let me know what you think. You won't offend me.

**McGreysGirl193:** Thank you for the review! So glad that you're loving the story! Yes, I know this idea has been done before, but I just wanted to breathe some life into it again. I will try to update often! I would love to know what you think of the chapter! I love hearing from readers!

**Kaitlyn:** Thanks for the review! Yes! He is very good at it and I think a lot of people overlook that flaw because of the McDreamy factor! I'm glad you think that he's somewhat realistic! Thank you! I'm glad you're loving the story! More is on the way!:)

**Izzie:** Thank you for the review! Glad you're loving the story! More is on the way!:)

**Guest #4: **Thank you for the review! Glad you're loving the story! More is on the way!:)

**Vivlovesmerder: **Thanks for the review! Thank you! More is on the way for you to enjoy!

* * *

**So...who thinks we can make it to one hundred reviews? I do! I'd love to hear from everyone! Hit the button below and tell me what you think!**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	5. V: Innocent

**Author's Note: **

**Thanks for the reviews! I was so overwhelmed to know that so many of you are enjoying the story! This one is a very long chapter and please, don't throw things at me after you read the ending...**

**All errors are my own:( Sorry!**

**Thank you!**

* * *

**Chapter V**

_"…Time turns flames to embers, you'll have new Septembers  
Everyone of us has messed up too  
Minds change like the weather, I hope you remember  
Today is never too late to be brand new_

_It's alright, just wait and see_  
_Your string of lights is still bright to me_  
_Oh, who you are is not where you've been_  
_You're still an innocent…"_

"Innocent" – Taylor Swift

_August 7, 2005_

Meredith trudged across what would be Derek's front yard and climbed the steps of his trailer. She'd asked him to do one simple thing. All she'd asked him to do was sign the damn divorce papers and he hadn't. Mark had let it slip over dinner that Derek had no plans to sign the papers and after a whole night of tossing and turning, Meredith had gotten up early. Anger pulsed through her veins as she walked across the deck and yanked opened the door of the trailer. Derek stood fully dressed for work with a cup of coffee in his hands. He didn't look surprised to see her which made Meredith even more pissed. Sloan had tipped Shepherd off that she was coming and her husband was prepared for her fury.

"You haven't signed the divorce papers," Meredith said without preamble as she tossed her canvas tote on the counter and put her hands on her hips. She didn't want to hear whatever dreamy speech he was going to give her. She wanted the papers signed and she wanted to move with her life. Derek had screwed it up enough for a lifetime.

"I thought we had rules," he said curiously as he held out a mug of coffee to her. "I thought that we were going to counseling. We agreed to Doctor Wyatt. Remember?"

"I remember yelling at you to sign papers," Meredith snapped back as she ignored his peace offering. "You haven't signed the papers that I left here for you here to sign."

"It's a big decision," Derek defended as he put the coffee mug down and leaned against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. His cool confidence only annoyed her. She barely resisted the urge to throw something at him.

"What is?" Meredith asked through clenched teeth, "Picking up a pen and signing your name?"

"That's not what I'm talking about and you know it," Derek challenged with a raised brow as he watched her carefully. The look in his soft blue eyes took the fight out of her and Meredith felt her shoulders drop in defeat as she stared back at him.

"I'm not asking something is unreasonable," she insisted in a calm tone. "I'm asking you to do one thing for me."

"You're asking me to let go of you and I am not capable of doing it. I'm not capable of living without you."

"You were capable of living without me in New York," Meredith said bitterly as stood across from him and leaned back against the refrigerator. "Nothing's changed."

"Everything has changed."

Meredith let out a long sigh, "I told you, the whole rule thing and taking you back…it was all hypothetical. It's not real. It…this thing…is not happening. We should see other people, Derek. Clearly, you and I are not meant to be. We just aren't! You have to accept that. I want to move on with my life and you are stopping me."

"I can't accept that as fact," Derek told her as moved to stand before her and rested his hands above her on the top edge of the refrigerator. Trapped between his arms, Meredith bit her bottom lip. Just being near him was enough to drive her crazy with need. Clenching her thighs together, Meredith slid her hands behind her back to prevent herself from touching him like she so desperately wanted to.

"It's a fact, Derek," she whispered as she looked up at him. "It's a fact and that's all there is to it."

"I couldn't stop myself from help falling in love with you," Derek said in a serious tone. "It was like being struck by lightning. You were there and I was a goner. You didn't even give me a chance to defend myself against your smile or your laugh. I fell in love with you and it wasn't a slow fall. It was the 'falling-face-down-on-concrete' kind of love."

Meredith laughed as she let her head rest back against the refrigerator, "You just compared loving me to falling face down on concrete. Am I supposed to be flattered by that, Derek?"

"Ah, there it is," Derek murmured as he watched her closely. His lips hovered over hers and all Meredith had to do was straighten her body a little more against the refrigerator and her lips would touch his. God, there was nothing more in the world she wanted than his kisses. They were better than shots of tequila and God only knew how much she loved her tequila.

"What?" Meredith asked after her laughter had died down. "What are you talking about?"

"You crinkle your nose when you laugh at me," Derek told her softly. "You've done it since the first night I saw you in that blue gown."

Meredith bit her bottom lip, "Stop, just stop trying—"

"You're running," Derek interrupted. "You're scared of me and you're running. We're doing the one thing that we promised each other that we would never do."

"We promised each other a lot of things. We promised to be never let work become more important. We promised to always communicate."

"We also promised for better or worse. Meri, we've hit the worse. Things can only get better from here."

"I don't know if I believe that."

"Then let me believe it enough for the both of us until you believe it for yourself."

The air felt as if it had an electric current pulsing between them as Meredith resisted the urge to jump him. She was going to be late to work if he tried anything funny and she sincerely doubted her ability to say the word 'no' to him. It was one of the reasons why she'd imposed the 'no sex' rule. Trying to say no to Derek was impossible. He was good at sex and he never let her forget just how good he was. It was the one thing that she couldn't hold against him in their marriage. She always left their bed satisfied and thoroughly sedated in the end.

Without warning, Derek's lips pressed hard into her as he pushed her back against the refrigerator. On their own, her hands found their way to the sides of his head as she urged him to kiss her more. His hands deftly undid her belt, the button, and the zipper on her jeans and Meredith groaned against his mouth. Without hesitation, his hand slipped beneath the lacy scrap of cloth she wore as underwear. She broke the kiss and moaned loudly as his thumb brushed repeatedly over her clit. Derek placed warm, hot kisses against her neck as he applied just the right amount of press with his thumb.

It felt so good…

"You have to stop," Meredith gasped as she kept her eyes closed. "There's a no sex rule."

"You said you wanted to see other people," Derek murmured as he placed kisses all over. "Therefore, your sex rule doesn't apply because we aren't together…according to you."

It took all her will power, but Meredith managed to push herself away from Derek and fix her clothing. Zipping her jeans, she turned to look at the man she desperately wanted to push onto the bed and scowled.

"I said no sex."

"You want me as much as I want you," Derek amended. "Don't try to deny it either."

"I don't want to deny it, but us having sex is a horrible idea. It's going end badly with one or both of us hurt. I don't want to be either party."

"How is this not painful for you?" He demanded suddenly. "How can you so easily sign away everything? All those memories…we were happy at one point, Meredith. How can you not want to fight for that happiness? Don't you want it back?"

"I did fight for it," Meredith snapped. "I fought for everything when you weren't even looking. How many times do you think I've lied to myself that everything is alright? That everything will be better in the morning? All he needs is space? I picked up my life in New York, without question, and moved because I thought it would make you happy! So yes, I have fought for you. I have sat at the dinner table and I have been the smiling wife of the jackass neurosurgeon in New York when we went to dinner! Plenty of times with people looking to donate money to your department and I have smiled and I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to fight for you, Derek. You don't make me happy anymore. Why would I fight for something that didn't make me happy? I don't even know what you want any more."

"Come with me to Doctor Wyatt, Meredith," Derek murmured. "Just one session, please. That's all I'm asking."

"No," Meredith told him. "I'm done being the wife of the jackass neurosurgeon. I've played your second fiddle long enough. You couldn't even bring yourself to be at my med school graduation. You don't support me, you don't…you don't need me, Derek."

"That's not true."

"You've made it true."

"I've made mistakes."

"They are not mistakes," Meredith murmured to him with tears welding in her eyes, "They're…painful. Whatever they are, they hurt and they prove how little you care about me. You ignored me for months, you kissed Rose...please, just sign the papers. Don't use sex to manipulate me into doing something that you want me to do. Can you just do that? I don't ask much of you, Derek. I am asking this of you, though. Please, for once, just do what I ask."

Walking out of the trailer with her bag, Meredith forced herself not to look back because one look from Derek would keep her in bed with him all day long. One look from him would make her resolve crumble. She couldn't be what he needed or wanted anymore. He'd kissed Rose. That was proof enough and yet, she wanted him like a drug addicted wanted a high. He was her high. He was her addiction and she couldn't let him be toxic to her anymore.

* * *

"You should give him a second chance. As a dirty mistress, it's your obligation."

Looking up at Mark from across the restaurant table, Meredith wanted to strangle the good looking, future head of plastics. Addison had slipped off to the restroom and Mark had done nothing, but harp on about how she should give Derek a second chance. He'd done it since the moment Addie left. Addison had created a buffer between her and Mark. Now that she was gone, Mark was going in for the kill and Meredith was beginning to regret ever saying yes to have dinner with the Sloan duo.

"Do you know what they called you in New York?" she asked trying to introduce a new topic.

"Don't care," Mark said bluntly as he crossed his arms and rested his elbows on the table. "Take Derek back. You won't regret it. You've scared the shit out of him and he's learned his lesson. I'm being serious about this, why aren't you?"

"And yet, Addison agrees that I should leave him."

"Addison is a basket case, right now." He told her dryly, "She's too busy counting which days she needs me for sex to think clearly about this situation. You should trust my judgment, not hers."

"You both are sex crazed."

"She's baby crazed. I'm sex crazed. Big difference, Shepherd, big difference."

Meredith rolled her eyes. Mark had always had a way with words. Putting her fork down, she bit her lip. Mimicking his position, Meredith stared into the cool grey eyes that seemed to have lost all humor. Mark not being funny was rare and just from the look in his eyes…he was dead set about her getting back with Derek.

"I don't see you excited about fatherhood," she said after a few minutes of silence.

"I'm scared shitless," Mark told her bluntly. "Keeps me awake at night, you have no idea how much sleep I've lost over the thought of a zygote."

"I'm more scared for your kid than I am for you."

"Me too. People like us…are we too damaged to have families? Are we too damaged to have kids?"

Staring back at the man who had become like a brother, Meredith felt her resolve to ignore him soften. She'd once asked Derek the same thing. Was she too damaged to be a mother? Would she screw his kids up? He'd simply laughed and told her that she would be an amazing mother. She'd doubted him, but he'd just kissed her until she'd forgotten about what they'd been discussing.

"You know everything not to do, Mark," Meredith told him calmly. "You know exactly what not to do and you won't do it because I know you. You have lots of love to give away. Besides, Addison isn't going to let you screw this up."

"I'm not going to let him screw what up?"

Turning, both Mark and Meredith both smiled. Addison stared at them with a raised eyebrow.

"I need help with my mother's garage," Meredith said as she quickly changed the subject. "Do you think you could help me, Addie?"

* * *

_August 8, 2005_

Meredith stood with a cup of coffee in her hands as she looked at her mother's garage. Packed full with boxes, she hadn't even started opening boxes and she felt overwhelmed. Addison had agreed to come over and help her, but a last minute surgery had come up. It was a situation that was nothing new to Meredith. Marriage to Derek had been the same way and she'd understood. God, she had understood all about his needing to leave to go save a life. She'd encouraged it, but there had been times where she'd wanted him to stay…needed him to stay…

Raising her coffee cup to her lips, Meredith stared at the little dog near the garage door. Four years old and blind, Beau was a sweetheart. The vet hadn't been able to do anything about his loss of sight and Beau had been shuffled around between foster homes until Addison had found him. Adopted on a whim, Beau hadn't made friends with Mark and forced to give him up, Addison had called her. Meredith had said yes without thinking, but she liked Beau. She liked that damn little Yorkie. He looked like a teacup, but he was cute.

He was her Beau and the heavens only knew that she needed a beau.

"You look overwhelmed."

Hearing a deep voice, Meredith turned and froze. Tall with blond hair and grey eyes, the stranger was handsome. Dressed in nothing more than jogging shorts and sneakers, the guy had an impressive body.

"I am," Meredith said looked back at the garage. "I never realized how much my mother had until now."

"New to town?" the stranger asked with a glitteringly white smile.

"I've returned home," Meredith amended as she smiled back. "I was born here."

"I'm Tom, by the way," he said as he offered her his hand. "I live across the street and I just wanted to introduce myself."

"Meredith," she said shaking his hand. "Just moved here from New York…"

"New York? That's a distance."

"Yeah," Meredith laughed. "I'm from Manhattan. I'm predisposed to dislike everywhere else and I actually like Seattle. It's been good to me so far."

Before Tom could say anything else, a black corvette pulled into the drive way. Mark exited the car with Addison slipping out from the passenger seat. Glancing down at her watch, Meredith was surprised to see that it had been nearly three hours since Addison had abandoned her to the garage alone.

"Is this your family?" Tom asked with a smile.

Before Meredith could say anything, Mark spoke.

"Mark," he said in smooth tone and shook Tom's hand. "Mark Sloan. This is my wife, Addison."

"Hello," Addison added politely. "It's nice to meet you."

"I'm Tom," her handsome neighbor said. "I live across the street. I was just introducing myself to Meredith."

"Derek will be thrilled to know that Meredith has already met the neighbors," Mark grinned as he wrapped his arm around Addison's shoulders. "Derek does a mean, slab of ribs. You should come by sometime and try them. We go fishing every Sunday if you want to come! A man can't turn down an ice cold beer and a fishing rod. We golf too, if you're into that."

"Derek?" Tom asked as he looked between Meredith and Mark with confusion. Addison groaned and shook her head as Mark spoke up again.

"Derek is Meredith's husband. He's is my best friend. We just moved here from New York."

"I'm Derek's soon to be ex-wife," Meredith amended with a smile at Tom as she quickly tried to save the dying conversation. "He cheated."

"He kissed a scrub nurse. In my mind, if you don't ejaculate, it's not cheating. He didn't ejaculate. He kissed the scrub nurse for ten seconds," Mark commented as if he was discussing the weather over a round of golf. "He made a mistake, he didn't cheating."

For a whole ten seconds, Meredith and Addison stared at Mark. He'd always been ballsy, but that moment beat any in the past. Tom laughed at Mark's words and shook his head.

"As a divorce lawyer, I wish my clients had the same outlook as you. I'd be out of a job…real quick, if they did," Tom said after his laughter died down. "I should go and let you get started on your garage. It was nice to meet you, Meredith. Just come over if you need anything. I'm more than willing to help."

Tom turned; jogged back down the driveway and crossed the street. Meredith watched him closely and nearly let out a sigh. He was nice…he just wasn't Derek and it annoyed her that she was already comparing Derek with other potential men. A moment later, Addison swung her purse and hit Mark hard on the bicep.

"Marcus Everett Sloan," she hissed. "Seriously? It's not cheating if you don't ejaculate? What the hell! I swear to God, half the shit that comes out of your mouth makes me question your sanity _and_ your logic."

"Someone had to defend Derek," Mark reasoned with all seriousness as he rubbed his arm. "He's not here to defend himself against Mr. Divorce-Lawyer-With-A-Nice-Ass. Don't think I didn't get a good look at him! The son of a bitch was like a little dog trying to pee on the front lawn. You've got to hit the dog with the newspaper before it starts a bad habit. Besides, Derek didn't ejaculate. Therefore, he didn't cheat in my book."

Addison went on the warpath just as Meredith tuned out the spat that was beginning. Nothing had changed between her friends except the city. Mark still had no brain to mouth filter and Addison still chastised him for acting like the little kid he could be. Smiling, she raised her cup of coffee to her lips as the familiar sound of Mark getting his ass chewed out brought her some comfort. She was beginning to feel at home in Seattle.

* * *

_August 12, 2005_

Sitting down and staring out at the rainy day, Meredith wasn't the doctor today. Her mother was being transferred back to her nursing home. Watching as a nurse held an umbrella and wheeled Ellis Grey out; Meredith crossed her arms over her chest and swallowed. Derek had once asked her what scared her the most. She'd jokingly told him that the water scared her. She'd laughed off his probing question, but it hadn't been the truth. Ending up like her mother scared the ever loving crap out of her. Crossing her legs, Meredith slouched in the chair. Dressed in a pair of jeans and an expensive sweater that Meredith was sure Addison would kill her for getting wet, she watched her mother's nurse help her into the car. Not taking her eyes off the scene, Meredith didn't look over when she smelt the familiar cologne and soap that Derek always used. He sat down next to her with a cup of coffee and crossed his own legs. They sat together in silence. Him…just being there was strangely comforting and Meredith couldn't help the few tears that came to her eyes.

He hadn't been there when she'd had to fly out the first time and put Ellis Grey in a home. There had been some stupid presentation that he'd had to give at Columbia about his brain project. He hadn't even called her back after she'd called to tell him that her flight had landed. She'd leaned on Addison for support and she'd gotten it. The support just hadn't been the same that Derek would have given, but it had been support. Shifting in her seat, Meredith turned to look at him because she couldn't fight the burning desire in her.

"Why did you do the brain mapping project?" Meredith asked him. "I asked you before in New York…you just ignored me. You've never given me a straight answer about that it. I want to know why that stupid thing was worth throwing everything away because that's what it feels like you did. It feels like you just threw everything we had away and for what? Just answer me that."

Derek uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He set his coffee aside and twisted his ferryboat scrub cap in his hands while he watched the rain outside. He looked handsome in the dark navy scrubs that he wore and the few wisps of chest hair that were visible drove her crazy with desire.

"Do you remember our second date? We went to Coney Island and I asked you what you were afraid of the most. We were standing on the pier with ice cream and you told me that you were afraid of the water," he said as he turned his head and looked at her with a sad smile. "I don't doubt that you are, Meredith. I've never seen you swim."

"I don't know how," she interrupted with a humorless laugh. "My mother never let me learn. She was convinced I'd drown in the pool and kept me away. I could fall into the Pacific and drown today. I have no idea how to stay afloat. I'm a twenty-seven year old woman who doesn't know how to swim. That's a little embarrassing."

"You don't know how to swim," Derek whispered quietly and shook his head. "But you know how to do puzzles. You have that little memory game that you keep in the bottom of that thing you call a purse. It's a black hole, but you used to take that memory game out and do it in between classes…while you'd wait for me at New York Presbyterian."

His words startled her and she looked at him with pain in her eyes. Narrowing her eyes, Meredith reached for the cup of coffee that he'd put down and took a giant gulp of the hot liquid. She'd never wished more in her life that the coffee was tequila. She just wanted something to numb the pain inside.

"I've watched you do things…habits…that people with Alzheimer's use. You write the date and the people in the picture on the back of photos. You use memory aids around the house. You label things…keep a small diary filled with directions, addresses, phone numbers…thoughts and ideas. You have daily reminders and I've heard you repeat things to yourself hundreds of times so not to forget them. You're not as quiet in the shower as you think, Meri."

"So?" Meredith demanded her hands trembled. She didn't like where the conversation was going, but knew that Derek wasn't going to let her out of it. He was giving her the answers that she wanted. It was her problem if she suddenly didn't want to hear it.

"You told me that your biggest fear is the water…Meredith, what scares you the most is Alzheimer's," Derek murmured while he reached for her hand. "The brain mapping project wasn't about just mapping the brain. It was all about learning how the brain is affected by disease. Mapping how the brain works and the amazing things it can do. I did the brain mapping project because I want to cure Alzheimer's.

"It's not curable," she whispered back.

"You don't know that. Someone will cure it…I want to be the one who does. I don't want to cure it to be famous or wealthy. I want to cure it so that my wife doesn't fear it. I want to cure it because I don't want you to…I don't want to get dealt that God awful card. I don't want to see you forget me. That's my biggest fear," Derek admitted with a sad smile. "You fear the actual disease and I fear you forgetting me. I am terrified of a future where you don't remember me…where you don't know me, but I can't predict if that will happen. The brain mapping project was meant to help us cure it…not destroy the best thing that ever happened to me. I had no idea the havoc it would wreak upon our lives."

"The best thing that ever happened to you?"

"You, Meri." Derek said softly. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Not becoming a doctor or whatever else you can think of. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I am grateful that Webber forced me to come to his stupid award ceremony. It was the best decision that I made in a very long time. It led me to you and a life without you…Meredith it scares me to the point where I can't sleep at night. It makes me question how I could let the best thing that ever happened to me just walk away and I can't let you do that. I will fight hard for you. You have to know that."

"Promise me something," Meredith whispered back as tears fell down her cheeks. "Don't ever put me in a home. Don't lock me away like I've had to lock away my mother. I don't want to be stuck in one place where no one ever comes to see me. I don't want to waste away somewhere. Just give me a lethal injection of morphine the minute that I forget my car keys."

"None of those things are going to happen. Especially the injection of morphine, that's not going to happen," Derek said with a laugh as he squeezed her hand and raised it to his lips. "No, I am going to build you a beautiful house like I promised you I would and even if you do eventually have Alzheimer's…I won't put you in a home, I promise. I'm going to take care of you if it happens. No matter what happens. Besides, I don't think that will be the future. I told you, I'm going to cure Alzheimer's and we're going to live in that beautiful house until we can't get out of bed and even then…we'll just hire a nurse to look after us while our kids complain about us and the staircase...they'll call it an accident waiting to happen and I'll bust their chops about just wanting our insurance money…or Mark will… someone will…"

Pressing a kiss to the back of her hand, Meredith felt his warm breath against her skin. A moment later, he let go of her hand and stood up. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and left her alone with his words surround her mind. He'd done the brain mapping project partly for her and she wasn't as sneaky as she'd thought. The fact that he knew about her secrets was strangely comforting. It meant that he did pay attention. He did see her…he didn't ignore all of her. Seeing the car that would carry her mother back to the nursing home pull away, Meredith couldn't help but wonder at her mother's loneliness. Ellis had no one except her. Her mother refused to see anyone and viewed her dying as a weakness. Alone with her thoughts and more confused than ever about what to do, Meredith hugged herself tightly as she watched the rain fall outside the hospital. The man wanted to cure a horrible disease for her. She couldn't help the laughter that came out a moment later. Only a doctor would think that curing a disease was a romantic gesture and an act of love. Standing, Meredith knew what she had to do, but she just needed more time to accept it.

* * *

_August 17, 2005_

"You paged me?"

"Porn as pain management!" Bailey exclaimed as she stood in front of Derek. It had been an interesting day for the hospital. The power had gone out and the generator had failed to kick on. Something about Webber not budgeting right had been the rumor going on, but Derek really didn't care. As long as the O.R. was operational and his patients were in the powered sections of the hospital, he was a happy camper. Standing with O'Malley at his side, Derek crossed his arms over his chest.

"You met Henry," he said to Bailey with a smile. "Yeah, there are a lot of different theories as to how to treat pain."

"Porn as pain management?" Bailey said again as she eyed him skeptically in the same manner that Meredith always did when she knew he was up to something. For the first time, Derek found himself missing being yelled at by Meredith. If she was yelling, she was communicating to him in some way and that was preferable to her silence. Yelling, Derek could take. Silence was a mind game that he couldn't figure out and it scared him that she had nothing to say. It meant that she didn't care and the last thing he wanted was her not caring.

"Look, it's possible that pornography, like art and music, can stimulate the brain to produce endorphins that minimize pain," Derek explained to Bailey. He was beginning to feel like Bailey was trying to imply something and he had nothing to do with Henry's pain regiment. The man had come to him for an operation to get off the porn. Derek didn't care about anything else. Yes, it was a strange way to manage pain, but if it worked…Derek was all for it.

"Porn as pain management!" Bailey exclaimed a third time with a raised brow.

"I didn't prescribe it. It wasn't me," Derek defended as O'Malley spoke with a nurse next to him. "Take it up with the treating physician."

Bailey looked like she wanted to snap at him for a moment, but controlled herself. Pointing a finger at him, Bailey's nostrils flared and Derek couldn't help the amused smile that came to his face. God, he loved riling Bailey up.

"If that man turns out to be some sort of sex weirdo, it's on you. That's all I'm saying," the short woman insisted before turning away. "Oh, and your wife's looking for you."

"She is?" Derek said with surprise. "Why?"

"Don't know, don't care," Bailey called back as she waved a hand and kept walking. "Told me if I saw you to tell you that she was looking for you. That's all!"

Derek stood in the middle of the hallway with his hands on his hips trying to figure out exactly why Meredith was looking for him. She hadn't spoken to him once since he'd admitted his desire to cure Alzheimer's. O'Malley stood at his side with frown.

"Do you want me to go find her, sir?" George offered, "I can show Mrs. Shepherd to your office."

"Mrs. Shepherd isn't the patient," Derek said quickly as he started walking down the hall. "I can take care of my wife. You find us a damn shaman before we have to operate on Anna!"

Taking out his cell phone, Derek looked at the new message that Meredith had sent over an hour ago.

_Dinner? Need to talk to you. _

Quickly texting back a response, Derek took one look at the message before hitting send.

_Will make reservations. Dress up._

Dialing a number he knew by heart, Derek waited until Mark picked up on the second ring.

"Shepherd!" Mark answered in his booming voice that forced a smile to Derek's face whether he wanted to smile or not, "How the hell am I supposed to golf in this God forsaken state? All it does is rain. It's downright depressing. It makes me want to stay in bed all day with Addie."

"You're pathetic and I'm a lesser man for knowing you," Derek told him with a chuckle.

"You wouldn't know what the hell to do with your life if you didn't have me. Why the hell are you calling me in the middle of the day anyways? I can't get drunk with you if that's what you want. Addison has a rule about no booze until after we have kids. Something about drinking and sperm…I have no idea what the hell she was talking about. I tuned her out, but I'm not going to lie. Having forced sobriety sucks.

"Can you do me a favor?" Derek chuckled.

"Depends," Mark shot back. "Is it gonna get me in trouble with Addison? The last time I did you a favor, I was sleeping on the couch for a week. The Archfield's couches are uncomfortable. I can't even sit down on them to watch a sporting event without my ass aching thirty minutes in."

"When do you start working at Seattle Grace?"

"Not until the end of beginning of October. Something about not working on contract for two hospitals at once…I don't know. What I do know is that I have more time than I know what to do with right now and I'm itching to cut. It's like I need to whack the ball off the tee, but I can't because the golf club won't go cooperate with me or because there is too much goddamned rain in this state."

Derek snorted at Mark's analogy, "Oh, God. You just need to shut up. Here's what I need you to do. Make dinner reservations for me tonight. Meredith wants to talk over dinner. Just find someplace quiet and make it for eight."

"Alright, I've got you covered, Shepherd. Nice, quiet, and romantic…I can do that."

"That doesn't comfort me for some reason," Derek said before disconnecting the phone call before Mark could make anymore obnoxious analogies about sex, being bored, and golf.

* * *

"Look at you. You look like a girl," Derek smiled at Bailey. A man knocked on the window outside the hospital and they both looked over.

"Is that your date?" he asked her.

"It's my husband," Bailey answered with a smile.

"You're married?" Derek shot back with a surprised look on his face.

"Ten years today."

"How come I didn't know you were married? You know that I'm married, but you didn't tell me that you were married."

"You didn't ask," Bailey snapped back. "Now, why the hell are you sitting here alone?"

"My wife wanted to get dinner. She wants to talk. So, I'm waiting for her so that we can go talk."

"Don't be a fool. Don't screw this up. The suit looks good by the way. It's a nice touch. Poor girl will be so enamored by your sex appeal that she won't be able to think straight. Dirty tactic, but a good one…"

Derek looked down at the navy suit that he'd worn with a blue button down dress shirt that had the top buttons undone and shook his head. He looked good. Several female nurses and doctors had already eyed him on their way out the door. Meredith had always said that navy was his color. It brought out the blue of his eyes apparently and it drove women crazy. He was hoping that his eyes would work on her tonight. The divorce battle was something that he was losing and if wearing a navy suit and blue button down broke her resolve to leave him…well, Derek had no shame in using it and his looks to his advantage until he could convince her to stay with him otherwise.

"Oh, Bailey," he said with a bitter smile. "Haven't you figured it out yet? I have the perfect career. I'm a very successful neurosurgeon. People fly to me from all over the world to have me operate on them. I get the tumors that most surgeons are afraid to go after. You don't think that I have all that and a happy personal life, do you? Something had to be dropped at some point. I couldn't keep all the plates spinning. Meredith is the thing that was dropped that I dropped. I shattered my marriage in exchange for everything else. I already screwed everything up. It can't get much worse."

Before Bailey could say anything, the sound of heels clicking on the floor drew their attention. Meredith stood in a tight black dress with her trench coat folded over her arm. She easily spotted Bailey and walked towards them. The heels she wore had a strap across her ankles and toes and where black. Her hair was pulled back in a bun at the base of her neck and she wore a light layer of makeup. Derek recognized the shoes as being one of her favorite pairs and hearing the familiar click of them on the tile floor of the hospital brought back memories of happier times. Those memories seemed like they were a world away.

"Don't screw this up," Bailey repeated as she waved a finger at him. "You are a bigger fool if you do. Don't be stupid, Shepherd."

Bailey marched past Meredith as she came to stand at Derek's side.

"What did I miss?"

"Did you know that Bailey has been married ten years today?" he asked as they both watched Bailey kiss her husband. It was strange to watch considering how short Bailey was compared to her husband who looked like he was well over six feet tall.

"Oh," Meredith said as she watched Bailey kiss the man outside. "I knew she was married. I just didn't know that she was married ten years today."

"You knew she was married?" Derek questioned as he took the trench coat and helped her into it.

"She and I have lots in common," she answered cryptically as she turned looked at him over her shoulder before turning her whole body around to look at him.

"Why do I feel like that means I've been the subject of several conversations between you and her," Derek groaned as Meredith slipped her clutch under her arm and brushed a piece of lint off his shoulder.

"Because you have," she answered bluntly. "Ready?"

* * *

Dinner had been a very sad tale so far, Derek reflected as Meredith watched him from across the table. The drive to the restaurant had been done in silence and every moment since they'd walked into the restaurant had been uncomfortable in some way. The restaurant that he'd let Mark pick was far too romantic and it made things more awkward between them. For the first time in his life, Derek wasn't sure what the hell he was supposed to do. Being with Meredith had always been easy, but she was torturing him and he doubted that she knew what she was doing. She'd been the one who wanted to have dinner. She wanted to have a talk with him and the topic was still a mystery. Whatever she wanted to talk about would set the tone for the whole evening and Derek was experiencing a sinking feeling that what she wanted to talk about didn't quite fit with the whole romantic restaurant theme that Mark had opted for. His best friend was trying to be helpful, but as usual, Mark hadn't quite nailed it. Looking around, Derek was suddenly reminded of Elton John and chuckled.

"What?" Meredith demanded.

"I have the Lion King playing in my head. Can you feel the love tonight?" Derek grinned. "The waiter does kind of remind me of Pumba. He could pass as a warthog."

Meredith stared at him for a moment before she burst out laughing. Derek couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips as he watched her. She laughed so hard that there were tears in her eyes. She raised her linen napkin to dab the corners of her eyes as the waiter returned.

"How's the wine? Is there anything I can get for you both?"

Meredith looked away from the waiter and he watched her press her lips together. She was doing her best to not laugh, but the waiter wasn't helping the situation.

"Are you alright, ma'am?"

"I'm fine," Meredith choked out. "Really, I'm okay."

A second after the waiter left them Derek winced as his pager went off. Grabbing it from his waist, he stared at it before looking at Meredith. A moment later, her pager went off. With a groan she stared at it a moment before she shook her head and stood.

"We have to go apparently," she mumbled as Derek threw a fifty down on the table to cover the wine they hadn't drunk and the appetizer they hadn't eaten.

"Webber said it was a 9-1-1. Is that the message you got?" he asked as he reached for her trench coat and helped her into it.

"Train wreck," Meredith said as she pointed at the TV behind the bar.

"Shit," Derek mumbled as they both watched the report for a minute. "We're not going home tonight."

"We?" Meredith shot back as she watched him carefully. "What make you think _you_ had a chance to take _me_ home tonight?"

"I was planning on sweet talking and using the 'McDreamy' charm," Derek said arrogantly, his eyes never leaving the TV. "Don't think that I don't know what Yang and all the other interns call me behind my back."

"Please, get over yourself, Derek." Meredith snapped.

"You like my arrogance. You told me once that it was sexy."

"I liked your arrogance until it screwed me over. I was drunk when I told you it was sexy. I was drunk and you took advantage of the fact that I said that. I clearly remember that was what happened."

"I'm pretty sure you took advantage of me that night," Derek pronounced as he turned to look at her. Meredith rolled her eyes and walked towards the front door. The maître held open the door and wished them a good night. Derek gave the valet his ticket and a few minutes later, his black BMW appeared. The valet held open the door for him as Meredith slipped into the passenger seat and reached behind the driver's seat for her tote bag.

"What are you looking for?" Derek asked as he watched her from the corner of his eye. Her bag was like a black hole. Things were sucked into it and they never saw the light of day again. The expensive tote was something that he never touched and kept his things away from. He was certain that whatever she was looking for wasn't going to be found, but he was proven wrong. A moment later, a small compact was taken out and Meredith opened the small, circular object. Using a tissue that she'd produced from the tote, she wiped off the light colored lipstick that she'd been wearing.

The movement caused the front of the black dress to come together and at the stop light, Derek turned to look at her. He could see black lace from his position. The black lace bra cradled her breasts in the same manner that he wanted to cradle them with his hands and he couldn't stop himself from blurting out his observation to her.

"You wore black lace."

Meredith stopped wiping the lipstick off and turned to look at him with an annoyed expression. Derek couldn't help the smile that came to his face. She'd worn black lace…black lace that she knew drove him wild with desire. It had to be a sign.

"Don't look at me like that," she told him with a shake of her head. "Don't torture yourself because that little fantasy you're having in your head isn't happening anytime soon. I'm telling you, don't look at me like that, McDreamy."

"Look at you like what?" Derek questioned innocently as his gaze shifted back to check on the red light for a moment before going back to her. The light still hadn't changed colors. He still had time to enjoy the sight of her in the black dress before scrubs hide her curves from his sight.

"You're looking at me like you're hoping to see me naked later," Meredith said with an eye roll. "It's not happening again. Not in this lifetime. You'll have to find me in the next one."

"I can't deny that I was…am…hoping to get a special treat later," Derek grinned lecherously at her as she shook her head at him. It was obvious that Meredith was trying not to laugh at him as she went back to wiping her lipstick off.

"There is a train wreck! People need help," she said a moment later as she snapped her compact shut and tossed it back into the black hole that was her bag.

"Yes, but I have a hot wife. She wore black lace to dinner. A dinner that she wanted and came to willingly, by the way," he told her. "What the hell am I supposed to think when I see black lace? I take that back. I see black lace on you and I don't think. All sane thoughts leave my mind and all I can think about is you in bed with black lace on and me naked. That's the conclusion I jump to every time! You've trained me to be that way."

"Shut up," Meredith said with a laugh. "The light is green. Go before Webber has a fit that we're not there."

Derek looked back towards the road and advanced the car forward, but he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. She'd worn the black lace that they both knew he liked more than anything else.

He had hope, after all.

Black lace gave him hope, even if it was a little ray.

* * *

"You didn't tell her that you operated on me?"

Derek looked up from his position in Webber's surgery and let out a deep sigh.

"You're like a father to her, Richard," he said calmly. "How the hell was I supposed to tell her that you had brain surgery? You know what? I'm not even supposed to say anything to her anyways. Patient confidentiality and all that crap…"

"You missed her graduation. She worked her ass off and you missed it," Webber snapped as he changed the subject. "She is like a daughter to me and you're failing as the son-in-law."

Derek looked up at the man who'd been his mentor for years in New York. He wanted to snap at Webber and tell him the full story, but he couldn't. He couldn't tell Webber without revealing his marriage to Meredith and it wasn't worth the hospital gossip. It wasn't anyone's business about how he and Meredith spent their private time, but people would want to talk. The talk wouldn't affect him in the way it would affect her. People wouldn't say anything to him…but Meredith would be an open target and he refused to leave her vulnerable to their words. People wouldn't understand and the things they would say…Meredith was already fragile enough without the added stress of everyone talking about them.

"I am." Derek admitted, "I am trying to fix it."

"Shepherd," Webber insisted calmly. "I maybe your boss, but off the clock, I am her godfather. I can still kick your ass like I promised to do before your wedding."

Derek couldn't stop the smile that came to his face, "A lot of people have threatened to kick my ass recently. Mark Sloan pushed me into my own pond."

"You deserved it."

Just nodding in agreement, Derek heard his beeper go off and nurse called out that it was his.

"You're the only attending neurosurgeon," Webber snapped again. "Go."

"Speaking of that," Derek said. "When the hell are you going to let me hire another good neurosurgeon? Nelson is retiring soon and it will end up being just me in a few months. I'm sorry, but I'm not sticking around for those hours."

"Six and half isn't enough? I never knew you to be a greedy bastard."

"Presbyterian would take me back in a heartbeat at ten million a year."

Webber didn't say anything and Derek slipped out of the O.R. If he wanted a good, decent shot at actually convincing Meredith to stay with him…he was going to need all the time he could get. Being tied up constantly at the hospital as the only neuro attending would be too much. Meredith was stubborn and it was going to take every fiber of his being to convince her to stay. He'd done so much unintentional damage and that damage went deep. It would take time to heal it and Derek would give her as much time as she needed because she was like oxygen to him. He knew that she had made those rules she'd rattled off all those nights ago for a reason. She was hurting and those rules were designed to protect her. That she felt she needed protection from him was evidence enough of how deeply he'd hurt her. Scrubbing out of Webber's surgery, Derek went to the x-ray viewing room that he'd been paged to.

Opening the door, he saw Meredith standing next to Burke as they looked at scans on a computer screen. The little black dress that she'd worn earlier in the evening was gone. Shapeless scrubs covered her curves, but he smiled a little at the sight of the black thermal she wore under the blue scrub top. She'd stolen it out of his clean clothes bag in the backseat of his car. There was something about seeing her wearing his clothing…he couldn't explain the feeling it gave him, but he liked it.

"T8 is completely crushed," Bailey said as she looked at the scans and Derek tore his eyes away from hers. Seeing the scans, he couldn't hold his surprise back.

"These people are still alive?" he questioned as all focus shifted from Meredith's clothing choices to the scans.

"They're still making small talk," George O'Malley said as Derek turned around to look at the small group in surprise.

"Interesting."

* * *

Life was seriously unfair sometimes and Meredith resented it. She couldn't understand why bad things happened to good people. Trying to understand why someone like sweet, sweet Bonnie had a pole propelled through her like she was a freaking vegetable ready to be grilled was impossible. She couldn't understand why bad things seemed to happen to only certain people it seemed. God only knew she'd had her fair share of crap, but she wanted to know how others got off the hook sometimes. Knowing that she had to tell him the truth…she had to tell him exactly why she wanted to go to dinner with him, Meredith hunted Derek down.

"Derek," she said softly as she pushed the door to the scrub room open. He looked at her with a curious expression on his face. There was activity in the O.R. as people prepped for the surgery. Bonnie was going to die. There was no way to safely remove the pole from her chest. She'd bleed out before they could help her. It was hard to accept and she knew Derek already resented not being able to save the girl.

"I know this is horrible timing," Meredith admitted as she held onto the door like a safety line. "I just…I had to tell you that I don't want to be Ellis."

"You're not making any sense, Meredith," Derek snapped as he kept doing his routine. "I don't have time. Bonnie has a pole in her and she's going to die. Say what you have to say and being quick about it. Better yet, have some professionalism and don't say anything right now. Wait until we're off the clock, Doctor Grey."

Meredith stood still. For a brief moment, a different, horrible memory of being snapped at by Derek before passed through her and she froze. The words she wanted to tell him died on her lips. As if knowing what she was thinking, Derek stopped and turned to look at her. He looked shocked, remorseful and shook his head.

"Meredith, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry," he murmured as he tried to move towards her, completely forgetting about scrubbing into surgery.

"It was nothing, Doctor Shepherd," Meredith said back automatically as she stepped back from him. The cool barrier of professionalism was enough protection at the moment. "I am sorry for interrupting you."

Before Derek could say a word, Burke appeared behind Meredith with a grim expression on his face.

"Grey, you'd better go find Bailey. We have enough hands here."

Meredith nodded and scurried away without looking at Derek. He groaned as Burke watched Meredith walk down the hallway. Clutching the sink, Derek wanted to kick himself…things had been going so well. She'd worn the damn black lace to dinner. They'd laughed and had a decently good time until he'd gone and opened his mouth. He'd let his frustration at Bonnie's situation take hold and he'd snapped at her…like he always seemed to do.

"Working with one's wife is not easy, is it?" Burke murmured as he crossed his arms over his chest. Hearing the cardio surgeon, Derek looked up in surprise at Burke's words.

"You haven't said anything to anyone about catching me with Cristina in the on-call room…I won't say anything about Grey being your wife," Burked smiled as he walked into the scrub room.

"Thank you," Derek murmured as he tried to figure out what the hell he was going to do. He'd just erased all the progress he'd made with her at dinner and he wanted to kick himself. She was going to be skittish. How could he think that after the way he treated that she wouldn't be? A part of him desperately wanted to know what she was going to say. He wanted to chase after her, but he couldn't. He couldn't do it, not just yet.

* * *

Seeing Derek sitting on the deck, Meredith slowly walked up the steps. The young girl, Bonnie, had died. There hadn't been anything to do to help her and it broke Meredith's heart. Derek had gotten out the good scotch again and offered her a tumbler filled with the expensive Scottish whiskey.

"We have to stop meeting this way," he said jokingly. "Too much alcohol is a bad thing."

Standing in front of him, Meredith looked down and shook her head, "I, uh, just came because I left some things and I wanted to give you something."

The bright smile that had been on Derek's face disappeared quickly as she stood there with her hands in her trench coat pockets. He set aside both his tumbler and hers before he stood up. Meredith could almost feel his warmth, they stood so close together. His words earlier had been harsh, but she still couldn't…Meredith didn't know what was wrong with her.

"What were you going to tell me before the surgery?" Derek demanded softly. "It was important to you and I was rude. I cut you off and I was out of line. I'm sorry that I hurt you, Meredith. I am willing to listen to you now…however long it takes. You have my undivided attention. Please, what did you want to tell me?"

"Nothing," Meredith admitted as her voice cracked and shrugged. "I had nothing to say."

"You're lying. It was important to you," he said. "You wouldn't have come and found me if it wasn't, it was important to you and that means that it is important to me."

"What I had to say doesn't matter anymore. Besides," Meredith murmured as she held up a small bag, "I have this for you."

Taking the paper bag, Derek opened it and looked inside. He wanted to groan out loud at the sight. Not from arousal, but rather from the urge to kick his own idiotic ass. Several pairs of black lace bras and panties were neatly folded inside the bag. He knew in that very moment that whatever she'd wanted to tell him had been important…life changing and now, she was giving him the black lace back. He'd frightened her away and like a bunny, she was hopping back to safety. Setting the bag aside, he put his hands on his hips and ignored the vibrating from the phone that was still clipped to his waist.

"I'll just come back later for the other stuff," Meredith told him as she walked towards the stairs. "It's just a box under the bed. I can grab it later. Have a goodnight, Derek."

He watched her take the three steps quickly and with ease, she navigated the hard ground in heels. The same heels that she'd worn to dinner with him and his feet followed her at their own accord. He was at her side in a few strides and she looked up at him with a deep sadness in her eyes that he'd never seen. The dim lights from the trailer mingled with the moonlight and gave her an ethereal glow as she stared up at him.

"Stay with me," he blurted out to her as he cupped her cheeks. "Don't go…not like this."

She looked at him and her green eyes met his blue. He could see the internal struggle she was having. Meredith looked like she wanted to stay, but she wouldn't let herself. She didn't move.

"We still have rules," she whispered to him. "I need those rules right now. No sex is a rule. No staying over is a rule. No sleepover is a rule."

"I know, but you didn't make a rule against me hugging you," Derek murmured gently. "We both need a hug right now."

"You can't hug me and it not lead to sex. Don't kid yourself, Derek." she muttered tiredly. "Besides, I got a dog and I have to go take care of him. Beau hasn't seen me in the past few days."

"Dog?"

"His name is Beau and he is a really good cuddle. He's this cute little Yorkie."

"You're replacing me," Derek frowned suddenly. The thought of her getting a dog scared him. In some twisted way it meant that she was moving on. She was rebuilding her life and that life didn't include him.

"You're irreplaceable," Meredith murmured before dragging herself to stand up straighter. "You and I both know that, but you…please, sign the papers."

* * *

Parking her car, Meredith quickly walked inside her house and closed the front door. She'd been ready to try. She'd been willing to go to Wyatt, but something was stopping her. There was an invisible bridge that she couldn't seem to cross and Derek was on the other side. Throwing her purse down on the kitchen counter, Meredith turned towards her liqueur cabinet. Seeing the bottle of tequila and vodka standing unopened, she walked towards them.

She couldn't be…she needed a tabletop. Literally and figuratively, she wanted just a night to dance away her problems and she wanted a drink. She wanted to forget Derek and if it meant that her liver paid for it, she was okay with it. Opening the glass doors, she grabbed the two bottles and walked out of her house after locking the door behind her, and giving Beau more food along with water. Crossing the street, she walked up the stone steps to the front door of the house. Ringing the door bell, Meredith smiled when the door opened.

"Tequila or vodka? I need a drink and I need to be crazy for a night. What the hell, right? You only live once."

A smile came over Tom's lips as he held open the door for her.

"Tequila."

"You and I are going to be good friends," Meredith smiled back as she stepped into her neighbor's house.

* * *

**Send in your cheers, jeers, dedications, hate, and tears!**

**Many asked about whether or not Meredith and Derek will actually start seeing others, I can't reveal that, but I can tell you that next chapter will answer your questions regarding the other people questions many had.**

* * *

**Response to Reviews: **

**Dashdoll4life:** Thank you for the review! Yes, Meredith hasn't quite forgiven him and she is struggling with what to do. I think that she wants to, but she's not there just yet. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:)

**Williamsm98:** So glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:) Thanks for the review!

** :** Thanks for the review! Glad that you're loving the story! We got going…but we kinda took a nose dive in this one. More is on the way!

**roganjalex:** Thank you for the review! Glad you're loving the story!

**two harts:** Thanks for the review! Glad you liked the chapter. I think that Meredith is having severe trust issues and I don't think that she has quite forgiven Derek for hurting her quite yet, but she's getting there! More is on the way!

**fatmathewriter:** I'm glad you're enjoying it! Yes, I agree. I could always imagine Derek could be really McAssy if he wanted to…and the does kind of ghost over his flaws. I'm glad that you're liking the story! More is on the way! Thank you for the review!

**Guest #1:** Thank you for review! I'm glad that you like the story! I'm also happy that you think Derek and Meredith aren't too OOC.

**CmW:** Thank you for the review! I'm glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!

**Baseballbabe19:** Thank you for the review! I'm happy that you loved the chapter. Yes, they do have a lot to fix, but they'll get through it…eventually. More is on the way:)

**Wiizz:** Yes, I do love Derek and Mark! Meredith does need some space to process what's happened and in many ways, I think she's in shock. She's hurting and doesn't quite Derek not to drop her on her head again. He'll figure it out soon enough…Thank you for the review!

**Lourdi:** Thanks for the review! I feel bad for Derek too, but he'll turn it around soon…

**welovemerder:** Thank you for the review! I'm glad that you're enjoying it! More is on the way!

**oulipo19:** Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! Yes, Meredith and Derek have very deep issues, but I think they just need sometime and maybe something else…

**vivlovesmerder:** Thanks for the review! So glad that you love the chapter! More is on the way! Derek will be on offense for the next few chapters for sure…

**Guest #2:** Thanks for the review! Glad you're liking the story!:)

**Patsy:** Thanks for the review! Yep! She let him have it, but I don't think she's quite ready to be with him again the way Derek wants her too. They have a lot to work on, but I don't think that Derek will be letting her go anytime soon. Glad you're loving the story!

**Melanie:** Thanks for the review! Yes! Meredith rocked it! She will be having fireworks for sure with the next few chapters! More is on the way! Glad you're loving the story!:)

**Little Rae of Light:** Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way! Meredith isn't quite ready to forgive.

**Jennifer:** Thanks for the review! Glad you're loving the story! We have a lot more to go. We're only just beginning. Therapy and dates are coming…Meredith just isn't quite there yet.

**GayleLynn:** Glad you're loving the story and the long chapters! I just can't stand to make it short!:) Thank you for the review!

**Izzie:** Thank you for the review! I can't give too much away, but I promise this isn't a repeat of season 3.

**Chicagonp2012:** Thanks for the review! Glad you're loving it! More is on the way!

**mps:** Glad you're enjoying the story! Yes, we have quite a bit going on! More is on the way! Thank you for the review!

**Japa01:** Thank you for the review! Glad you liked the review! Hope this wait wasn't too unbearable.

**Yasmin:** Thanks for the review! So glad you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:)

**Ellen:** Thank you for the review! Glad you're loving it. Meredith will be experimenting in her own ways as she tries to figure out just how to trust Derek again. Carolyn will be out soon to fix things on her own and meddle. More is on the way!:)

**Christy:** Time is what they need, yes, but I think that Meredith isn't quite ready to trust Derek again. Who knows…maybe seeing other people is just what she needs…Thanks for the review! More is on the way!:)

**Amy:** Thanks for the review! Glad you're enjoying the story!

**Rae birse:** Thanks for the review! It is hard to find good MerDer stories that aren't just..fluffy. Morgen86 is a very good author with great MerDer stories if you want a good, serious drama. I like her stories a lot! I'm glad that you're liking the story, because fluffy wasn't my goal. A good, serious real life situation was what I was aiming for and I'm glad you approve:)

**Guest #3:** Thanks for the review! Glad you like it!:)

**MerderCute:** Thank you for the review! Yeah, Meredith is really hurting…but things will get better!:)

* * *

**See you all soon!:)**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	6. VI: Bad Blood

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **

**Thank you to everyone who left a review! I did respond below! Numbers were a little down, so let me assure everyone...this is a MERDER story! No one else will be kissing any other lawyer or nurses. Promise! I hope that you guys like this chapter. It covers episodes 2x07 and 2x08. Episode 2x09 will be it's own chapter and we will be jumping over this cliff! **

**See you at the bottom!**

* * *

**Chapter VI**

"_...Band aids don't fix bullet holes  
You say sorry just for show  
If you live like that, you live with ghosts  
If you live like that you live with bad blood…"_

~ "Bad Blood" – Taylor Swift

_August 18, 2005_

It was still early in the morning as Meredith carried her heels and tiptoed out of Tom's house. She was an idiot and the extent of her idiocy was beginning to be felt. After spending the evening drinking, Meredith had kissed Tom before all hell had broken loose. One kiss and she'd lost it with full on drunken crying. Meredith winced thinking about how humiliating the scene had been in her mind. The alcohol had made her a weepy mess and she'd cried for hours about Derek. Poor Tom had been forced to deal with a drunk, weepy woman who freaked out just because she'd kissed him. It was only on her way out that she'd met Tom's partner…apparently the divorce lawyer was gay.

Crossing the street barefoot, Meredith arched a brow seeing Addison's black Mercedes parked in her driveway. Not giving it a second thought, Meredith followed the stone path to her front door. She just wanted to sleep and figure out what the hell she was going to do with herself. It was a complete lie that she told herself if she thought for a moment that she could go off and see other people. Derek was too embedded in her soul to even consider such a thing. Last night had proved just how disastrous that idea could be.

Before she could put her key in the lock, Addison yanked the glass door open with a frown marring her beautiful face. Meredith cocked her head to the side as Addison grabbed her wrist and dragged her into the entry way.

"Please, don't tell me you banged the neighbor guy," Addison hissed as she grabbed Meredith's shoes out of her hand and tossed them aside on the floor. Her friend looked frazzled and exhausted.

"No," Meredith said as her voice cracked. "I didn't. Kissed him, but I didn't sleep with him. Why?"

"Thank God!"

"Addison," Meredith hissed as she looked confused. "What the hell is going on?"

Addison grabbed her shoulders and forceful guided her across the living room towards the kitchen. The smell of pancakes and bacon hit her hard halfway there. Turning to look at Addie, Meredith's eyes went wide. There was only one person who cooked pancakes and bacon that she knew of besides Derek. Stopping in the entry way between the living room and kitchen, Meredith froze seeing the grey hair of the woman who was like a mother to her.

"Morning!" Carolyn said brightly as she turned around in the kitchen. Meredith stood in the middle of the entry way to the kitchen staring at her mother-in-law. Words froze on her lips as she stared at the woman who'd threatened multiple times to fly out to Seattle. Meredith had never thought that Carolyn would actual do it. She had never considered the fact that Carolyn would ever come to her home.

"Breakfast?" the older woman asked cheerfully, "Addison picked me up this morning at five when my flight landed. I know it's a surprise, but I wanted to come out here and see how my family was doing. Addie is kindly letting me stay at the Archfield with her and Mark for the day. So, Breakfast?"

Meredith nodded, but said nothing. Her tongue seemed caught in her throat as she just watched Carolyn move around the rarely used kitchen.

"How was your night with the neighbor guy?" Carolyn finally asked when she put a stack of pancakes on the kitchen island, "Was the sex good?"

"He's gay! I didn't sleep with him," Meredith blurted out and Addison let her face fall into the palms of her hands. Realizing what she'd said, Meredith closed her eyes and shook her head. Crossing her arms on the kitchen island, she sat down and stuffed a bite of pancakes in her mouth. She was going to hang herself the first chance she had. Nothing she ever said would come out right around Carolyn Shepherd.

"I know. I was just curious."

Pausing mid-bite, Meredith stared at the woman like she'd grown a second head. She was beginning to wonder if she was still asleep and dreaming. Addison cleared her throat and stood. Meredith whipped her head towards the red head and glared at her.

"I'm going to go. I have a morning yoga class to get to, I think."

Before Meredith could reply and tell Addison that there was no way in hell that she was being left alone with Mrs. Shepherd, Carolyn smiled.

"Have a good day, Addie."

Addison quickly removed herself from the kitchen and the house leaving Meredith alone with her mother-in-law. Envisioning her soon-to-be murder, Meredith was surprised when Carolyn pushed the plate filled with bacon towards her with a gentle smile.

"You love my son too much to hurt him that way. I know you didn't sleep with that man. What happened?"

"I freaked out on him," Meredith said with a bitter laugh. "I kissed him and I became a hysterical mess of tears and full on drunken sobbing. Full on dry heaving sobbing…it's pathetic. Besides, the guy is gay. He doesn't want anything to do with my boobs. They are a total turn-off to him. I met his partner this morning. What does that mean?"

"It means you care," Carolyn amended as she turned back towards the stove. "You care about my son…even drunk off your ass. You kissed the guy and then freaked about it…that says a lot."

"I don't know how to forgive him," Meredith blurted as she looked up from the pancakes that Carolyn had made. "I don't know how to let go of the past few months. How do I trust him again? I don't even know if he really loves me anymore. How do you build a future on that? You can't…maybe it's just better if we part ways now."

Carolyn shut off the stove and turned around to face Meredith, "Forgiveness isn't something that happens overnight. You don't just wake up and decide that you've forgiven my son. He's been an idiot. I'll be the first person to tell you."

Meredith smiled tearfully at the older woman, "I don't want to hurt anymore and it feels like all we do is hurt each other."

"Why don't you just give the therapy a chance to work? I know Wyatt was helpful. Derek even said so," Carolyn replied. "He's willing to fix what he screwed up. Are you willing to work to fix what was shattered? You didn't tell him about the miscarriage, Meredith."

"How do you know about that?" she asked feeling almost faint. No one was supposed to know about the miscarriage except her and Addison.

"Addison told me after it happened," Carolyn sighed as she came to sit down on the barstool next to Meredith. "She was worried about you and asked me to help her keep an eye on you."

"Who else knows?"

"You, Addison, and I… the point here that is important is that you didn't trust Derek to come when you needed him. You didn't give him the chance to show up and help you. That's not something you have to go through alone, Meredith."

"I didn't want him to turn me away. I was scared. He was so busy with that stupid brain mapping thing—"

"I'm insulted that you think so little of my son, but I don't blame you," Carolyn interrupted. "I know that he did that project to try and find a way to cure Alzheimer's and I told him that it was a bad idea."

"I don't need him to cure diseases for me," Meredith said tearfully. "I just needed him to come home. God, I miss our life in New York. I miss the life that we had. It wasn't perfect…but it wasn't this painful."

"So, build something better here," Carolyn said with a soft smile as she reached for Meredith's hand. "Build something better with my son here in Seattle. You just have to decide what you're going to do and stop stringing Derek on. Does he have a chance or is your heart set on that divorce?"

* * *

"I thought I'd come visit you for lunch."

Hearing the voice of his mother, Derek's head jerked up so quickly that he surprised he didn't break his neck. Carolyn stood in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Mom!" he said in surprise as he walked around the nurse's station to give her a hug. "What are you doing in Seattle?"

"I came to visit," Carolyn smiled. "I had breakfast this morning with Meredith at her house. You weren't there."

Derek tried not to wince. "I had an early surgery."

"You don't live with her, do you? I'm not stupid."

The conversation was rapidly going downhill and Derek didn't know how to save it. Not willing to risk the truth about his marriage becoming public knowledge, he quickly steered his mother away from the nurse's station and to the cafeteria. Lunch bought, he found a secluded table out on the patio and sat with her in the warm afternoon sun.

"You never answered my question," Carolyn accused him of as she started to eat her lunch. "You and Meredith don't live together. I'm your mother. You can tell me the truth."

"She has rules," Derek blurted out as he stabbed his salad with a fork. "She doesn't trust me. She doesn't want to live with me."

"Do you blame her?" Carolyn asked before taking a bite of her sandwich.

"No, I caused these problems."

"You both caused these problems," Carolyn corrected. "You did this by not paying attention when you needed to and she did this by letting you get away with it. If she's made rules, Derek…they're not because she's trying to screw with you or something. She's frightened and she hasn't forgiven you for what has happened. You're trying to move on and sweep it under the rug like it didn't happen. It makes you look uncaring. You look bad."

Derek stared out at the patio filled with people, tables and umbrellas.

"I just want her to be happy."

"Why don't you try respecting her words," Carolyn suggested calmly. "Follow the rules she's given you until you've proven to her that she can trust your words. Words are meaningless without action and I know you. You talk very well, but you have to follow through on the execution of those words. Prove to her that she can trust and then you can talk all you want."

Derek made a noise as he smiled at his mother, "That's your advice?"

"It's sound advice. No one ever said it would be easy fixing what you screwed up. I could have told you that," Carolyn snapped back. "You're the one who decided to hit the self destruct button."

"That is true," Derek conceded.

"Words are just words," Carolyn told him. "Actions, Derek? Those are your life. Show Meredith that she is your life. Now, finish your lunch. Mark will be here soon to drive me back to the airport. I could only leave New York for a day. I have grandkids to babysit. It is summer after all."

* * *

_August 23, 2005_

Derek let out a frustrated sigh as he ran his hand through his hair. He'd spent almost twenty minutes looking for his old tennis shoes. They were an old beat up pair that he liked to wear when he went fishing. He was unsure of where he'd kicked them off last. Having exhausted all options, Derek got down on his hands and knees to look under the bed. Feeling around for a moment, he cursed himself for not remembering where the shoes had gone. Mark would be to the trailer at any minute. They'd decided to spend the morning fishing before he went to the hospital later. Sloan was being to feel a little bored at not being able to cut and Derek was sure that once Mark was fishing, the man would feel better.

Reaching under the bed again, Derek stopped when he felt his hand touch a box. Grabbing it, he pulled it out from under the bed and paused. He vaguely remembered Meredith mentioning the box. She'd said it was unimportant. Curious to know what was inside, Derek took the lid off the box and all the air in his lungs left his chest. Inside were magazine clippings. All neatly clipped together, Derek took them out and examined them. Each was for a different room and beneath the clippings, was scribbled notes. Taking out the notes, Derek examined them. They were little ideas for interior design and landscaping. They matched the magazine clippings.

Setting them aside, Derek found a folded piece of paper and opened it. House plans were clearly printed on the paper that looked extremely worn. The house was three levels with a finished basement, main level and a second. It was drawn out to be open with what appeared to be beautiful windows. It looked as if the plans had been revised several times with pencil erasers marks all over. Bringing his hand to cover his mouth, Derek felt ill. Meredith had been planning for the future. This box was evidence enough of it.

In the bottom of the box, Derek found a small piece of cloth. Made for a baby, he ran his thumb over the soft lamb that was embroidered on the corner of the blanket. Neatly folded, the blanket still had the tags on the corner as if Meredith had just bought it a day ago. Tucked into the folded fabric, an envelope was jaggedly torn open. Looking at the return address in the corner, Derek was surprised to see that it was a genetic testing center in New York City. Only for a moment did he pause before slipping the paper that was inside out. A small voice told him that he shouldn't, but Derek was too worried.

Was there something wrong with Meredith?

Opening the paper, Derek breathed out as he read the genetic test results for an Alzheimer gene test.

Meredith had tested positive for several of the gene markers.

Not knowing what to think, Derek folded the paper back up and slipped it back inside the envelope. Replacing everything in the box as he'd found it, Derek put the box back and sat on the edge of the bed feeling slightly sick thinking of his mother's words. He'd promised her that future, but he hadn't done anything to prove that he wanted it like she did. It was obvious that she was planning for it…had planned for it. Hearing Mark's car pull up, Derek stood.

He didn't know what to do, but he knew that he'd promised to follow Meredith's rules. Taking his cell phone off the clip on his belt and dialed Wyatt's number. He'd promised to go every week and even if she wasn't going, Derek had promised that he would.

* * *

_August 24, 2005_

It had been a very long day, but Derek still put his car in park and turned off the engine. Opening his car door, he quickly exited the BMW and walked towards the path that led to the front door. At Wyatt's suggestion, he was visiting Ellis Grey. Somehow, in their dialogue, Meredith's mother had come up and Derek had been very ashamed to say that he hadn't helped Meredith at all with Ellis. He didn't even help pay the bill to keep Ellis in the extended care facility that she lived at. Meredith wrote the check each month and just looking at the place, Derek knew that it wasn't a small check. Going to the receptionist desk, Derek smiled at her as looked up from her computer.

"Hi, I'm here to see Ellis Grey," he quickly explained. "I'm her son-in-law, Derek Shepherd. My wife is Meredith. I don't know if she's coming today or not."

"Mrs. Shepherd hasn't called to tell us one way or another," the woman smiled. "She seems like she's very busy and it's hard to get a hold of her sometimes. She did make it to last week's family dinner event which was Ellis really enjoyed."

"Those are every week?"

"Yes, Mrs. Shepherd doesn't always come, but she does her best to come, I think."

Derek nodded before taking the piece of paper closest to him and a pen, "Will you call me if she can't make it? I will come and I'll try to come with her."

The receptionist nodded kindly before giving him directions to where Ellis was. Following the directions, Derek easily found his mother-in-law sitting in a common room in front of a fire. She had a blanket covering her lap and stared at the wall. Approaching her slowly, Derek crouched down in front of the older woman.

"Hello, Ellis," he said warmly as he rested one of his hands on her folded ones. They felt cool against his hand as he brushed his thumb over her knuckles. She and Meredith shared the same delicate bone structure. Ellis wasn't as tall as Meredith, but she had the same petite frame. His voice got her attention and the cold woman looked at him with an icy expression on her face.

"Who are you?" she asked bluntly. "Are you the intern they sent me?"

"I'm your son-in-law," Derek told her with smile. "I'm Meredith's husband, Derek Shepherd."

Ellis stared at him for a moment before her eyes widened for a minute.

"Meredith is my daughter."

"Yes, she's just turned twenty-seven this year. She and I are married. You weren't at our wedding in New York, but you did send flowers," Derek told her softly. "Do you remember, Meredith?"

Ellis didn't acknowledge his words, but something must have sparked her memory. She appeared to be having a better day than normal.

"You're good looking," Ellis eventually said. "You have that going for you, I guess. What did you do to your nose? Have you seen a plastic surgeon about it?"

"Soccer," Derek smiled. "I took a ball to the face in college. I played soccer on scholarship to NYU. Meredith played soccer for NYU on a scholarship as well. She's very smart like you."

Ellis nodded again and moved her eyes back towards the fire, "You're married to her?"

"Six years…seven in September," Derek confirmed with a nod.

"I see…I was only married to her father for six before I left him," Ellis said with an expression that Derek couldn't quite make out. Her tone was almost remorseful.

"I know," he replied in a calm tone. He didn't want to worry Ellis in anyway. Pushing her wasn't something he wanted to do. The only thing Derek wanted to do was just visit.

"Do you?"

"Meredith hasn't talked about much about Thatcher or her childhood, but I know enough bits and pieces to make a generalize picture," Derek murmured back, not going into details. He knew that Meredith's life wasn't a pretty picture. She had told him about the long list of nannies and caretakers she'd had as a child and teenager. Ellis often shipped her abroad or off to the Hamptons for the summers and the one theme that Derek had heard over and over again in Meredith's voice was loneliness. She'd been alone and miserable for many of those years. It was how the hard partying and drinking had begun when she'd been a teenager. Derek had never asked if she'd drabbled in drugs, but he suspected that she had at one point and he didn't blame her. He'd want something to numb him too if that was the childhood he'd had. His had been so happy in comparison to hers. After speaking with Meredith, he'd gone and hugged his mother so tightly and had thanked her for loving him no matter what had happened.

"Richard wouldn't leave," Ellis said abruptly pulling him from his thoughts. "He was never going to leave Adele and he told me. I took Meredith and ran. What else was I supposed to do?"

Derek was shocked by Ellis' words and cleared his throat. Meredith didn't speak of her childhood often. If it wasn't for her birth certificate, Derek wouldn't have even known that her father's first name was Thatcher.

"I ran," Ellis continued. "I took Meredith and I ran to New York."

"I understand," he lied.

Ellis scoffed and yanked her hands away from his, "Don't ever have children. They make too much noise and get in the way. Meredith was always in the way. Getting into trouble and being a general annoyance. I should have just left her."

"Alright," Derek replied calmly. Inside, he wondered exactly why Meredith subjected herself to the abuses of Ellis. She didn't owe the woman anything and yet, she tried to visit once a week.

"I know I am not a good mother," Ellis said as her demeanor changed and he knew that she was gone. "Thatcher wanted her. I just wanted to abort her. Richard convinced me to keep her."

"I'm glad you did, Ellis," Derek said with sincerity. He didn't want to think about a world without Meredith in it. It made everything seem colder and colorless. Ellis didn't say anymore as a look came over her face and she turned back to the fire. Any lucidness that had been there was gone and it wasn't coming back. Not tonight, anyways.

"Doctor Shepherd?"

Derek looked up to see a nurse standing there with a soft smile on her face, "I'm sorry, but I'm here to help Ellis get a bath and go to bed."

"I understand," Derek replied quietly. Bidding Ellis a goodnight, he made his way back towards his car and prepared himself for an evening alone.

* * *

The drive from the facility where Ellis was back to the trailer was nearly an hour. Derek could easily understand why Meredith hadn't always made it to see Ellis when she'd been living with him. Parking his car, he was surprised to see her jeep in the driveway and her sitting on the steps. Turning off the car, he exited and walked towards her. She wore jeans and a blue sweater with a white tank top beneath it. She had the sweater wrapped tightly around her like she often did when she nervous.

"If I'd known you were waiting, I would have hurried." Derek told her as he dropped his keys onto the deck and sat down next to her.

"Don't bother telling me that you were at the hospital," Meredith said tiredly as she turned to look at him. "The nurse called me the minute you showed up. She wanted to confirm that I had a husband."

"I would have hurried if I'd known that you were waiting," Derek repeated as she let out a long sigh. She sounded like someone who was a long suffering saint and he supposed that she was. Meredith stood up and Derek saw something sparkle on her finger. He recognized it as the engagement ring that he'd gotten her. Both the diamond wedding band and the simple silver one that she loved were being worn too.

"I called Dr. Wyatt," Meredith announced to him. "She has an opening tomorrow evening at seven. If you have a surgery or something, bump it. I'm not rescheduling. I'm on-call starting in an hour and I have to work all day tomorrow too. I'm not working thirty-six plus hours straight and then being told that you can't make to appointment. Trauma, I'll understand. Anything else? I'll have fit in your office and break things."

"Okay," Derek agreed with a smile.

"I also got a new lab coat. It has my name on it…I'm not going to hide who am I, Derek. I know that you suggested different names so that people won't get confused, but I just…I don't want to hide anymore. I'm really sick of it. Being asked to hide…makes it hard to trust you," she told him honestly. "So after tomorrow, everyone will know that I'm married to you."

"Okay."

"We still have rules. That hasn't changed and I don't know how long it will take for that to change. I can't give you a date or a time. You'll just have to take it on faith," she continued before letting out a deep sigh.

"Okay."

Derek suspected that if he said the word 'okay' one more time, Meredith would clobber him. She looked annoyed. She bit her bottom lip and stuck her hands in her back pockets as she stared at him. Something about her was different. She looked at peace about something and it made him wonder.

"What changed?" he asked her quietly. "I'm happy that we're going to make this work, but why? What changed?"

Meredith let out a deep breath before looking up at the sky, "Your mother told me that I had to decide. Something happened… and it made me realize that I'm not ready to let you go. My only choice is to keep you and not string you along. So, this is me, not stringing you on. Don't screw this up, Derek. Please. Now, I have to go before I'm late."

Derek watched her walk to her jeep and silently swore to himself that he wouldn't screw this chance up. He suspected that he was rapidly using up anymore second chances that he had left with her. Standing and going to the trailer, Derek felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. She was finally willing to try and he knew that they could fix what was broken. They had to because there was no alternative in his mind.

* * *

_August 25, 2005_

Whoever had told him that the truth would set people free had been full of shit, Derek reflected tiredly.

"Everyone get out!"

He looked up from the chart that he was reading when he heard Meredith yelling. Whatever had happened wasn't good. He knew all about the hysterical pregnant guy. Addison had confirmed that it wasn't a real pregnancy and had left the floor bitching about being called to real cases, but everyone wanted to be around and see the poor guy.

"Mr. Herman is a patient! A surgical patient, who is sick and embarrassed, and tired of being stared at!" she yelled as he closed the chart and moved to the doorway to watch what was happening. People were slowly filtering out of the room, but he couldn't see Meredith.

"You two—this room is not a zoo! Out! Everyone get out! Out! You know what? If all of you want to point and whisper and stare at me, knock yourselves out! Look at Meredith Grey-Shepherd! She's been sad, pathetic, and heartbroken! Married to the neuro jackass god, or whatever the hell you people call him behind his back. You think I married him to get ahead and she's crazy! Maybe I have gone mental!" she yelled and several people winced at the volume of her voice. Derek even winced a little. He'd hoped that she hadn't heard what people had been saying about her, but she wasn't immune to the stares and whispers like he'd hoped. News had travel at light speed about their marriage and it had been the talk of the hospital all day.

"Don't think that I don't know what the hell you people have said behind my back today! I have ears and I listen! Maybe I have lost it and gone crazy, but you leave Mr. Herman and his wife alone! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Get out of this room or so help I will start breaking bones next! I don't care who the hell you are or what department you're from! Get out!"

Derek leaned against the doorway and watched as Meredith pushed the few people out of Mr. Herman's room and closed the door behind her. She looked frazzled and he wondered if she would kill someone if given half the chance. He wasn't deaf to what people had been saying. There was even a pool as to if she was pregnant and that was the reason that he'd married her. No one seemed to care that he'd been married to her for almost seven years. People skipped that part in the gossip. It wasn't interesting. Watching, he let out a long sigh. She'd snapped and this was it happening.

"And just what the hell are _you_ staring at? Don't you have patients to see?"

Hearing her, Derek didn't say anything. He'd learned a long time ago that an angry Meredith wasn't a reasonable one, but yelling was always better to silence. Silence meant that he was in the dog house and there was no getting out of it.

"Selling tickets to the gallery? Really!?" Meredith yelled at Yang and Stevens, "You know what? I'm gonna sit up there and make sure that no comes and watches! Get out of my sight! Go!"

Yang and Stevens hurried away and Derek crossed his arms over his chest. The hallway was empty and no one was around.

"Don't say anything," she said as walked towards him. "Don't say a word."

Derek didn't as she slipped past him and walked towards the nurse's station. He wasn't even sure what he'd say if he could speak. He'd seen Meredith pissed at a lot of things, but she'd never yelled like that before. It was a new side to her and he wasn't sure what to make of it.

* * *

Climbing the stairs to the gallery, Derek knew that he'd find her there. Several people had already scurried down the steps in fear. Meredith had earned herself a new nickname today and Derek was pretty sure that it was going to stick to her for the rest of her career. It wasn't a bad nickname. It just wasn't one he'd ever envisioned his petite wife having. Stopping in the doorway, he saw her standing in the middle of the gallery.

"Don't tell me that you bought a ticket," she snapped at him the moment she turned and saw him. "Seriously, if you bought one…I'm gonna sleep at the trailer just to make you sleep on the floor."

"We're supposed to meet Wyatt in twenty minutes," Derek told her softly as he leaned against the doorway. "You earned a new nickname today."

"Don't tell me," Meredith said sarcastically, "Whore? Slut? Gold digger? Dirty mistress?"

"Darth Vader," Derek said with an amused smile. "They're calling you Darth Vader."

Meredith stared at him for a full moment before she burst into laughter, "Vader? Really?"

"It's better than being the jackass neuro god or McDreamy. You're name at least inspires fear."

Meredith winced as she turned back to the surgery, "I am sorry I called you that."

"I am the jackass neuro god. You don't get called a name without a reason and let's face. I can be a jackass, Meredith."

She nodded and didn't say anything, but he watched her. Hair pulled back into a pony tail, she looked beautiful. With her arms wrapped around her, Derek could tell that the scrub top was still too big for her delicate frame. Meredith had always been petite. Her features were delicate and it was somehow always a marvel to him that he could encircle his hands easily around her waist. It somehow made her almost frail to him in other ways. It was obvious to him that she'd lost some weight. Skipping meals was never a good thing for her. Unlike others, a few pounds lost on her frame were a large difference.

"You've lost weight," he said out loud to her.

"Don't," she whispered back to him. "Don't care for me. You'll hate me for what I've done."

"What?"

"I kissed him," Meredith blurted out a second later as she turned towards him. "I kissed my neighbor the day before your mom showed up. I was drunk and I kissed him."

Of all the things she could have said, Derek hadn't expected her to say that. He didn't know what to say to her admission. Different emotions flew around his mind as he stared back at her. Anger at the son of a bitch for taking advantage of Meredith in her drunken state was rampant, but he was also hurt. Hurt that she'd kissed someone else. Most of all, he was jealous. He was jealous because he didn't know if she'd enjoyed kissing other men. Was she going to be kissing other men besides her neighbor as well? He didn't know and what she'd done scared the hell out of him.

"Please say something," she begged. "Derek, you're scaring me. I'm sorry it happened. It just did and I wish—"

"I need to think," he interrupted before he turned away and walked down the stairs. He knew he was leaving her there and it was a horrible idea, but he just needed time. He needed to get away before they started fighting and he said things that he would regret. Derek had a habit of putting his foot in his mouth and he didn't want to screw up the conversation that they had to have regarding the kiss. He couldn't do that.

* * *

_September 10, 2005_

Derek looked down at his beeper as he walked across the hall. Things between him and Meredith had come to a screeching halt, a screeching, grinding, fucking halt that hurt his ears, his body and his heart. He'd long since come to the conclusion that he had no right to be angry. He had no right to judge her. He had no right to any of the emotions that he'd felt about the kiss. Not after he'd kissed Rose. Wyatt had been helping work through his feelings and he was beginning to understand exactly what he needed to do to repair the damage that had been done between him and Meredith. It wasn't going to be an overnight fix like he'd origninally thought. It wasn't something that a weekend in Napa Valley would resolve. Meredith's issues with him weren't going to fixed with pretty speeches about how they were meant to be. It was going to take a lot longer than that and he needed to figure out exactly what he was going to do.

In the end, Derek couldn't blame her and she couldn't blame him. Until they forgave each other…there could be no progress. He'd found himself already forgiving her, but she hadn't forgive him. She resented him and was angry. There was nothing that he could do about that. Meredith had to work through those emotions on her own. She had to do it in her own time and he couldn't pressure her. He couldn't force her into forgiving him. She had to do that on her own and he'd wait as long as it took. Looking down over the balcony, Derek paused when he saw a familiar face.

"Weiss?"

"Derek! Thank God! I've been looking for you!"

Weiss took the stairs two at a time and was hugging Derek in the next second. The motion caught Derek off guard as the dark haired Italian hugged him tightly.

"How have you been?" Weiss demanded the moment he let go. "Is Meredith around? God, I haven't seen you or her since last Christmas. She looked unhappy then, is she better?"

Derek wasn't sure what to say. He hadn't told anyone back in New York about the supposed divorce that Meredith wanted and he knew that Addison and Mark weren't the kind of people to say anything. Giving Weiss a hug, Derek smiled. He couldn't bring himself to say anything because he didn't want to say the words out loud. Saying them out loud made them real and it scared him.

"We've, uh, been busy…really busy."

"Jesus, when I look at you and Meredith…Christ, I hope that Savvy and I have the same thing for the rest of our lives," Weiss grinned tiredly. "You two are just made for each other."

"You want to grab coffee," Derek quickly said to cover. Weiss nodded and they both got a cup from the coffee shop before finding a quiet conference room.

"What happened?" Derek asked. "Why did you and Savvy come all the way out here? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see you, but something is wrong."

Weiss let out a long sigh as he shook his head, "A month ago, Savvy's mother died of ovarian cancer."

"Catherine died?" Derek said as Weiss nodded. "I'm sorry."

"And Savvy, she's—I mean, you how close they were. She and Catherine did everything together. I mean, all she can think about now is this breast and ovarian cancer gene.

"B.R.C.A." Derek said using the correct medical term for it.

"She wants Addison to cut out everything that makes her a woman."

"She wants a mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy?" Derek said with surprise as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Wow."

"I know, right." Weiss said tearfully. "I can't get her to change her freaking mind. I was hoping that maybe Addison and Meredith could talk her out of it. The operation, the cancer scares…the whole damn thing, Derek. This is a knee jerk reaction to her grief."

Derek nodded and crossed his legs. He tried to imagine what he'd say to Meredith in this kind of situation. They'd always wanted a family. He wanted a large family with her, but he couldn't imagine not having the chance to have children with her. He couldn't imagine not having the opportunity to build a family with her. It was like her asking him to cut out parts of her brain because she had the possibility of getting Alzheimer's disease.

"Not wearing a wedding ring?"

Weiss' teasing words forced Derek's thoughts back to the present. Looking down at his bare hand, he suddenly felt as if he was missing something. The silver band had always had a place on his hand, but he'd taken it off months ago. Meredith hadn't said anything, but he started wearing the band again despite everything that was happening between them. He still wanted to be with her. Reaching inside his scrub top, Derek flashed the pin that he wore inside to Weiss. Pined to the inside of his scrub top was his wedding ring. It jingled a little on the pin as it moved.

"Surgery," Derek explained. "I had to take the ring off. We were using magnets and my ring would have screwed it up."

"Meredith has one too? That's cute," Weiss smiled. "Matching and everything…"

As if she knew they were talking about her, Meredith knocked on the glass window of the conference room and held up the scans that she had for his patient. Seeing Weiss, her eyes widened and the first genuine smile that he'd seen in days overcame her face.

"Weiss!" she exclaimed as she came into the room and handed him the scans, "It's not pretty. It's bad."

"How bad?" Derek asked as he held the scans up to the lights.

"Even you can't get the tumor without killing the guy," Meredith said as Weiss stood up and hugged her. She still had on her scrub cap and wore a surgical gown as a coat. It was obvious that she'd just gotten out of surgery on a different patient and was trying to help his intern, George.

"It's non-operable," he agreed. "The tumor is way too close to his brain stem. The guy would die on the table before we even get the tumor out."

Meredith took back the scans as Weiss let go of her. She smiled at the man and shook her head in surprise, "What are you doing here? I thought you were in New York still. It's the busy season for construction and house building."

"Yeah well, I was telling Derek that Savvy came all the way out here to have Addison do a…what'd you call them?" Weiss asked as he looked at him.

"A mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy," Derek said quietly.

Meredith's eyebrows rose as she looked from Derek to Weiss, "Savvy? She wants that? Why?"

Weiss quickly filled her on what had happened, but before he could finish, Derek's pager went off. It was a 9-1-1 for a patient of his. Derek quickly promised Weiss that their conversation wasn't over, but Weiss quickly extracted a promise from both Meredith and Derek that they would be there for the consult.

* * *

"My mother died of it, my aunt, my cousin—she's 37—has ovarian cancer," Savvy said.

"But you don't," Weiss insisted as Mark sat next to him with his arms crossed. "You don't have cancer. This is crazy, Savvy."

"But I have the gene, Weiss," Savvy snapped back.

"Which gives her up to an 85% chance of getting cancer, Weiss," Addison explained gently as Derek walked into the conference room where Savvy's consult was taking place. Meredith sat on the vent by the window that blew cool air into the room with her arms crossed over her chest. She wore the same thing that she'd been wearing early and looked mildly displeased at having to be there. He'd seen her name on the board downstairs and knew that she was missing out on a heart transplant to be there for their friends.

"And a 15% chance that she won't," Derek said.

"I'm sorry," Addison said with a frown. "Were you invited?"

"I'm not betting my life on 15%" Savvy snapped at the same time Mark rolled his eyes.

"Weiss asked me to come," Derek explained as he walked around the table and sat down in front of Meredith.

"I thought it would help," Weiss explained as Mark groaned out loud.

"Help what?" Savvy demanded. "I'm sorry, Derek, cause I love you and I'm really glad to see you and Meredith, but until you grow a uterus and watch your mother die from this disease…you don't get a vote."

"Did she tell you they're trying to get pregnant?" Derek demanded as he felt Meredith kick the back of his chair. "What?"

"Stay out of it," Meredith hissed, but Derek ignored her.

"She did," Addison sighed.

"Having a hysterectomy is gonna throw a wrench into that," Derek sarcastically bit out.

"Derek, we've been trying for months."

"Why give up now?" Weiss demanded.

"Come on, we've talked about this. There are other ways to make a family, Weiss. We can adopt. We can—"

"Savvy, I just—"

Weiss let out a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.

"No! NO! I'm not talking about this," Savvy yelled angrily.

"Let's just take a step back," Meredith and Derek said calmly at the same time. He turned around to look at her and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Alright, let's take a deep breath and think about this," Derek continued as he stared into Meredith's green eyes. "We can get through this."

"I've already though about this, Derek. This…this is going to happen."

A silence fell over the room as Weiss looked distraughtly at Savvy. Derek looked at Savvy with surprise, but he quickly turned around to look back at Meredith. She didn't look surprised at all. Instead, she wore a neutral expression on her face and kicked her legs back and forth like a small child would. He wondered what she thought of all of this.

"She-Shepherd!" Mark said after a moment, "You have anything to say? You've been too quiet over there on your vent. What do you think?"

"Don't get me involved," Meredith said holding her hands up. "I love you both, but I'm Switzerland. Where they have good chocolate and make nice watches. I don't want to pick a side. It's not my body and it's not my choice. That being said…Savvy…Weiss…I love you both, but I don't know why I'm here. I don't need to be here for this conversation and my supportive skills…there are others who are much better at it than me. Ask Addison."

"Why the hell are you here then?" Mark demanded as he leaned back in the conference room chair.

"Why are you?" Meredith shot back as she rested her back against the wall.

"I'm a plastics god last time I checked. Savvy is gonna need someone to repair everything."

"Aren't you supposed be golfing right now? I distinctly remember you telling me last night over pizza that you had a round of golf today and you were all excited because there was no freaking rain in forecast."

"Aren't you supposed to be doing someone's discharge papers?" Mark asked with a satisfied grin on his face as Meredith narrowed her eyes at him. She opened her mouth to reply and Derek had the distinct feeling that a game of 'who could make the best comeback' was about to begin.

"Go get lunch," Addison groaned as she closed her eyes. "Both of you. Don't come back either. Go have one of your little 'dirty mistress' meetings or whatever the hell you call them."

Mark and Meredith left the room together, but Derek could see them walking down to the cafeteria and still arguing. They were like children together…like brother and sister. Either way, Mark was going to enjoy himself. Derek was going to distance himself from Meredith for the afternoon because Mark had a way of always put her in a bad mood after their little bickering matches. Addison quickly rattled off what surgery would be happening and Weiss started to cry. Standing, Derek shook his head at the red head and left the room. He felt helpless and he didn't know what to do about it. Savvy was letting her fear control her and it was not the way to make big surgical decisions.

* * *

_September 15, 2005_

Meredith was silent as Derek pulled his car into the parking lot of the restaurant that Savvy and Weiss had wanted to meet at. The Savvy and Weiss wanted to celebrate Meredith and Derek's anniversary before Savvy's surgery the next day and well, neither Derek or Meredith had told Savvy and Weiss the truth. Derek parked the park and turned off the engine to the BMW. Meredith pulled at the invisible lint on her black velvet clutch as she sat in the passenger seat.

They'd both had long days. He'd lost two patients in the O.R. and she'd been stuck doing sutures all day. They hadn't even seen each other during the day except in the morning where she'd wished him a good morning and a happy anniversary. He'd done the same, but their words seemed to feel hollow. It was as if neither of them knew exactly what to say or do around the other. Ever since she'd admitted to kissing the divorce attorney, Derek had been avoiding her.

"What do we say?" Meredith asked after a few minutes of sitting in complete silence. "We haven't talked to each other in days. You can't even look me in the eye!"

"Meredith—"

"And now, we're supposed to just walk in and play happy family? This is gonna be great."

Derek was silent as Meredith looked in the side mirror one last time. She opened the car door and slipped out. Following suit, Derek watched her tuck the small cutch that she was carrying under her arm. She looked beautiful in a lavender colored silk dress.

"This is gonna be fun," she said sarcastically as she held out a blue card envelope that had come from inside her clutch. "Here, it's for fifty bucks."

"What is it?"

"It's the card that you're giving me for our anniversary," Meredith explained. "Savvy is expecting us to switch gifts, so I brought gifts."

"You bought yourself an anniversary present from me to you?"

"Were you gonna do it? Because last year, I bought myself a movie gift card and did the same thing. You barely noticed over dinner. Savvy thought it was so cute and here I am, second year in a row, buying our anniversary gifts!"

"What did you get me?" Derek asked curiously. He held open the door to the resturnant and gestured for her to go through the glass doorway first.

"Brand new tackle box," Meredith sighed as she walked through. "Should be coming in the mail any day now, I had your secretary order it for me last week."

"Oh, that's just…"

"Sad? Pathetic? The list is very long," she snapped back sarcastically. "If this trend continues, can I buy myself jewelry next year? Or Louboutin's?"

"So, you believe in a next year?"

Meredith halted and he nearly ran into her as she swung around and glared at him, "The point is that you can't even be relied upon to fake it. I thought you were a big supporter of 'fake it until you make it'?"

"What?" Derek asked feeling confused. The conversation was going off the tracks and he was pretty sure that Meredith wanted to stab him with the heel of her shoes…or maybe a steak knife from a nearby table. He hadn't really been thinking about anything having to do with their anniversary. He'd been more hung up on trying to work through his emotions involving Tom and Meredith's kiss. He was so confused by it and his reaction to it.

"You know what, I should be grateful that you at least picked me and will be paying for dinner. I don't have to buy it on my own or be abandoned in a restaurant like the last year," Meredith said as she walked up to the hostess' station. Her heels clicked on the marble floors and he followed her.

"I had a trauma last year," Derek defended as he stuck his hands into his pockets. "A bike messenger got hit by a taxi."

"I don't care if it had been the freaking Queen of England!" Meredith snapped as they both spotted Savvy's hand waving to them from a table by the window. Mark and Addison were already there and from the look on Mark's face, Derek knew that Savvy and Weiss were fighting.

"I'm just saying," Meredith continued as they walked towards the table. "That when it comes to anniversary dinners or birthdays…you have a very bad track record."

"I had to operate on a man the night of your birthday. He had brain surgery!"

"You could have told me! I would have rather seen brain surgery than sit with Adele. I'm sorry, but it's the truth!" Meredith breathed as she tucked her clutch under her arm.

"There is no winning with you," Derek sighed.

"I'm a woman and you're the husband in the dog house. You actually expected to win this argument?"

"I take that back. I've never won anything with you. "

"Don't say anything," Meredith snapped. "Just don't mention Savvy's surgery tomorrow and just be your McDreamy self."

Before Derek could say anything else, they were at the table.

"Meri! You look beautiful," Weiss grinned as he stood up. Meredith easily accepted his hug and Derek shook his hand. The distinct smell of whiskey lingered around Weiss and Meredith shot him a look of concern. Addison stood up to give him a hug and Mark kissed Meredith cheek before teasing her about wearing a dress before Savvy grabbed Meredith and hugged her.

"You feel thinner than you were in New York," Savvy said with displeasure across her face. "I don't like it."

Derek watched as Meredith brushed off Savvy's words, but the woman was right. Meredith did look thinner. The dark purple dress she wore was looser than it had been the last time she'd worn it. Her collar bones were more prominent than before. Even her wrists looked thinner. The small silver charm bracelet she wore looked as if they'd just fall right off her arm and the diamond studs in her earlobes were as sharp as her cheek bones.

"You didn't tell them, did you?"

Turning to look at Mark, Derek raised a brow as Weiss pulled Addison aside to speak with her.

"Didn't tell what?"

"You didn't tell Weiss and Savvy that you and Meredith are separated. Jesus, you two being separated means there is no hope for the rest of us," Mark sighed as Meredith nodded to something Savvy was saying.

"Why does everyone think she and I are the golden couple or something?"

"Because you two seemed like the two people who had your shit together out of everyone else we knew. You two were always on the same page and practically finished each other's sentences. It was kind of sickening for awhile, but everyone got used to it. This has thrown everyone for a loop. Everyone has been rooting for you and Meredith since day one."

Derek didn't say anything as he watched her. She looked tired and uncomfortable as Savvy gushed about something. Meredith looked like she wanted to be any other place than where she was and Derek didn't blame her. He felt the same way. A waiter appeared after everyone was seated and Derek quickly ordered Meredith's favorite poison and scotch for himself. The wait time for their drinks wasn't long and when the waiter reappeared, Mark looked at Derek's scotch longingly.

"Well, here's to take life into your own hands," Savvy said with a smile as she raised her wine glass. "Cheers."

"Cheers," Meredith and Derek said at the same time as they all clicked their glasses together.

"And here's to bull and here's to crap," Weiss slurred drunkenly.

Addison took a drink from her glass of water and choked. Mark gave her a solid whack between the shoulder blades as she coughed.

"You alright there, Forbes Montgomery-Sloan?" Mark asked with mild concern as Addison nodded vigorously. He rubbed her back as she took a second drink of water.

"That's a mouthful," Meredith murmured to Derek as she raised her tequila sunrise to her lips and he nodded in agreement.

"Jesus Christ, he did not just say that," Addison mumbled next to Mark. "Please, tell me he did not just say that."

"And here's to oophorectomy, complete hysterectomy, and a double bilateral mastectomy," Weiss continued drunkenly as he ignored them all. "How smart am I to know all those words?"

"Please stop," Savvy murmured quietly. "Stop, Weiss."

"Here's to breast reconstruction, nipple reconstruction," Weiss added with a bitter smile, "Here's to losing your wife. Here's to being the ass, which can't be supportive. Here's to that."

Meredith shifted uncomfortably next to Derek as Savvy looked like she was about to cry. Savvy yanked Weiss out of his chair and dragged him over to small nook. Meredith couldn't see what was happening, but she shook her head.

"You driving me home," she mumbled to him. "That might happen sooner than you think."

"I'm going to the ladies room," Addison said. "Excuse me."

"This is not going how I imagined it would, be" Mark sighed the moment Addison was out of earshot. "I can't even drink! I'm stuck with diet soda!"

"I told both you not to get involved with this," Meredith exclaimed defensively as she pointed at Mark. "I told you that over pizza last night, but you ignored me and that's how the hell we got into this mess. I don't even want to be here! Her having this surgery is like having Derek cut out half my brain because I may have Alzheimer's."

"So, you agree," Derek murmured quietly as he watched Savvy and Weiss. "This is a drastic surgery."

"It's her body," Meredith sighed. "She can do with it what she wants. Why should he get a say?"

"Because he loves her and wants her to make the right decision," Derek replied as he leaned back in his chair and moved his arm to rest against the back of Meredith's. She arched an eyebrow at him before downing the last of her drink. She reached for her clutch and took out her phone. Both men watched her as she connected to the internet and started shopping for baby clothes.

"Something you not telling us, Grey?" Mark boomed with a chuckle. "Are you supposed to be drinking?"

"Bailey is pregnant with a boy," Meredith replied with a shrug. "And I am giving her a gift because that's what women do for each other at baby showers. They give each other gifts."

"I thought the pregnant one was you," Mark added with a grin. "You've been a bitch all week. You practically demolished that pizza. Oh, I think you ate about half of the damn thing. Six slices sounds about right."

Meredith kicked him hard under the table and the noise disrupted Savvy and Weiss' fight in the nook. They both looked over at the table as Addison returned with a tired expression on her face.

"This is going to be a long dinner," Derek muttered next to her.

"You're driving home," Meredith hummed back as she looked around for the waiter. "I'm having a few."

* * *

Meredith shifted uncomfortably next to Derek in the passenger's seat. Dinner had been a horrific affair, but the food had been good. It was the only thing that she'd enjoyed. For the whole evening, her insides had been crawling at her. She wanted an answer from him regarding that kiss. She wanted to know where they stood with each others. If she were completely honest, Meredith was sick of being in limbo. She was sick of the back and forth between them. All she wanted was to decide the future and be done with it.

"Did you think about it?"

"About what?" Derek asked as he pulled into her driveway.

"You haven't thought about it?"

"What is 'it'?"

Meredith felt any hope inside of her deflate, "Me kissing Tom. You told me that day in the gallery that you needed time to think. I don't know what you had to think about, but you told me that you needed time. It's been twenty days. Don't you have anything to say to me? Have you thought about it?"

"Meredith, it's been a long day," Derek sighed. "Can we not fight tonight? There was enough of that at dinner."

"No," she snapped back. "You won't even talk to me. I make one stupid mistake and you're punishing me again! You won't talk to me and you won't even acknowledge that I'm here. It's like you and I can't get on the same freaking page and it's driving me nuts! First you want to be with me and now…I don't know what to think! It's like you wearing a wedding ring now is some sick joke and you're keeping me in suspense just to torture me."

"It's not like that, Meredith—"

"Don't you dare start telling me that you kissing Rose and me kissing Tom are the same thing and that you need more time to think," Meredith snapped. "Don't you dare do that to me! I kissed Tom drunkenly to prove to myself that I could get over you. That I could move on with my life, but you know what? I can't. Kissing him was awful and I told you about it because I promised to always be honest with you. You ran away like I'd just told you I'd slept with your best friend and say that you needed time to think. Think about what exactly? You kissed Rose completely sober and you've always been so freaking vague on why the hell you did it. You don't get to play that card stupid kiss card. Not now and not ever!"

"I wasn't even going to say that!" Derek snapped back. "Yes, I am angry that you kissed him, but I understand why and I forgive you. What the hell is the point?"

"Do you…do you really understand the point of all of this or are you just saying words to try and win me back? That's all you seem to do Derek is talk and you haven't convinced me to forgive you or want to even try to move on with our lives. Do you think that curing Alzheimer's for me will get you that? You give so many nice little speeches and kiss me, but you don't act like you want me back. You haven't acted like that one time today. If you wanted me back, you would have gone out of your way today to show me. Today of all days! Instead, you don't acknowledge me all day and you…dinner sucked and today, today is the first day that you have talked to me since I told you about kissing Tom. You're punishing me again."

"I didn't know what to do," Derek defended, but his words sounded weak even to his own ears.

"You don't get it," Meredith said angrily. "You just don't understand it!"

"Understand what?" he shouted back.

"I want you! I want you and only you. I don't want you to cure Alzheimer's for me! I don't want words of comfort about how wonderful our lives will be if we just give our marriage another shot! I just want you and only you! I want the person that I married back! I want the person who trusts me no matter what happens and who laughs with me instead of punishing me for some imagined crime! I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know who the man sitting in front of me is because the man that I love would have never thought that I tried to break up his best friend's marriage and he would have never walked away from me. He would have never treated me the way that you've treated me and he would never miss the things, the mile markers that are important to me. You keep missing my life, but you claim that you want to be a part of it!"

Derek tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He couldn't bring himself to look over at her and so, she continued.

"All we do is talk about how we should get back together. You make me all these promises and you say all these wonderful things…but you don't get it. I don't want those things. I want the guy that used to sit with me at the bar and tease me over a greasy burger and kissed me whenever he felt like it. He didn't hide and he didn't shy away when things got difficult. He didn't think the worst of me. You tell me that you want all these things. You want a future with me, but you don't show that. I need you to prove to me that you want that future because I don't know what the hell I am fighting for anymore. I don't know why I am here. That's what I want you to understand. That's my point. That's the goddamned point I've been trying to make since we came to Seattle. You've changed and I don't like this person. I don't want to be around you. I'd rather be alone than with you, but the thought of being without you hurts me so much that I can't function. I am stuck and I don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing left to give you because you've taken everything and I can't get it back. That's my point!"

Meredith opened the door and got out of the car before turning around.

"And just so you freaking know, the neighbor I kissed, he's gay!" Meredith snapped. "He has no freaking interest in my boobs. They don't appeal to him. I cried for the whole night about you on this gay guy's chest that I'd just met! As far as I'm concerned, the most humiliating one-night stand of my entire life, Derek! I didnt even have sex with him! Hell, I didn't even get first base!"

Closing the door behind her, she walked quickly towards her house as she blindly fought her tears. She was confused and he was partly the root of it. He confused her. He blew hot and then cold and she'd had enough. Meredith was done. She couldn't keep riding the merry-go-round with him. For once in her life, she had to jump and get off of it.

* * *

_September 16, 2005_

Meredith stood at the surgical board examining the damn thing. Rubbing the back of her neck, she tried to massage the kink that had formed. She'd spent the night in Savvy's room trying to console the woman. Poor Savvy's life was falling apart around her and Meredith didn't know what to tell her friend. She had no comforting words of hope or wisdom. Her own marriage was in shambles and she didn't know what to tell Savvy about the mess that was happening around them all. She was confused and lost in her own mess. Closing her eyes, Meredith's eyes flashed open when she felt a familiar hand slide across her back in an affectionate way before slipping away. Standing next to her, Derek examined the board and crossed his arms over his chest. Meredith didn't know what to say after what had happened the night before.

"Hey. What time did you get here?" he asked her.

"One o'clock this morning," Meredith murmured tiredly as she hugged herself. "Savvy's nurse called me last night. Apparently, Savvy couldn't calm down and she just needed someone to talk to. I didn't call Addison. I figured she'd want a good night's sleep before this."

"So, you didn't sleep at all last night?"

"Nope and I'm the on-call person tonight. My life sucks."

"You should go get some sleep," Derek told her softly. "I can take care of Weiss and updating him."

"I told Savvy that if he showed up, I'd give him an update every hour on how she was doing," Meredith mumbled. "I like pain and sleep deprivation, I guess."

"Weiss will show up."

"Are you certain of that?"

"I am," Derek said confidently as he turned to look at her. "I know he will."

"What'd you say to him?" Meredith asked as curiosity took over. "What did you say that you think will make a difference? Why are you so confident that he will be here?"

Derek looked at her for a moment and Meredith paused. Something about him was different. There was look in his eyes. A look that she hadn't seen in a long time…

"I told him that his words are just words, but his actions…those are his life," Derek murmured. "I promised him that I'd sit with him, Mark too. You'll bring us updates?"

"Yeah, just make sure that Mark behaves," Meredith told him as she watched him closely. "He's not allowed to harass the nurses today, Addison's orders"

"Thanks, I really appreciate you doing this, Meredith. I know that there are better surgeries on the board to be a part of, but thank you." Derek said as he let his hand touch her arm in a tender way again. Meredith nodded, but she didn't say anything. Her skin tingled from where he'd touched her and it made her realize just how much she'd missed his touch.

"About last night…"

"We don't have to talk about it," Derek told her.

"Okay. I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it."

"Okay. I'll go check and see if Weiss is here."

She watched him walk away in surprise. Something had happened last night. Something had changed and she couldn't quite understand what had happened.

* * *

**So, thoughts! I'd love to hear from you all! I had lots of people add the story to their follows or favorites, but I haven't heard from everyone! Next chapter is really Meredith focused and covers Thanksgiving as well as meeting Wyatt. Derek will also reveal exactly what happened between him and Weiss and what changed. We'll be jumping off the cliff into uncharted waters, so hang on!:) That being said, nice long chapter...can I have some reviews? **

* * *

**Response to Reviews: **

**Patsy: **Thanks for the review! She didn't sleep with him, but kissed him and freaked…I am goal is not to make them cheat, but Meredith did need something to make her realize what moving on meant. More is on the way! I hope you enjoyed!

**Julie: **Hi Julie! Thanks for the review! This isn't going to be a repeat of 2,3, or 4. I promise that things will be getting better soon, like next chapter! We had to go through hard parts to get to the good stuff. More is on the way! Let me know what you thought of this!

**Angie: **Saved! I hope the story isn't ruined for you with the kiss. Meredith just needed to figure out exactly what a future without Derek meant and clearly, she wasn't interested…neither was Tom. Things can only go, up and I promise that the jerk is getting put down soon. More is on the way!

**PrincessHermoine1234: **Thanks for the review! I'm really glad that you're enjoying the story! I know that this story isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I happy that you like it. I haven't found any really good stories that show Meredith and Derek in real life situation. I love fluff, but when everything is fluffy…it's like eating too much cotton candy. More is on the way!

**Ulitmatefailure17: **Thanks for the review! More is on the way! Glad you're enjoying it!

**Melanie: **Yes, we will be jumping next chapter! We will be going off the cliff into uncharted territory. I promise that next chapter won't be as angsty as this one. We will be moving forward and Meredith will be making a decision on whether or not she'll stay with him or move on FOR GOOD! As for the ferry boat arc…you'll have to read to find out;) Thanks for the review!

**Guest #1: **Thanks for the review! Yes, this Derek isn't the fluffy Derek. This isn't a fluff story and it does have real problems that real couples face in life. That's the goal for this story. There is communication and trust issues on both sides with good reasons. Derek does say a lot of pretty words and Meredith has called him out on it. She's finally snapped after giving him a chance. I think you're spot on about him walking the walk. Even his mother has pointed out that Derek doesn't walk the walk like he needs to. Next chapter will dive into Wyatt and we will finally see the kind, compassionate Derek we love come back. Promise! More is on the way!

**MerderCute: **Glad you love the story! Hope this chapter answered your questions!:) Thanks for the review! More is on the way!

**Lourdi: **Thanks for the review! Yes, Derek is his own worst enemy, but he does want to try. Meredith just had to give him a kick in the ass to get the ball rolling. As for drinking…sometimes a kiss and too much booze can set us free…not that I'm recommending it. More is on the way!

**Parrij11: **Thanks for the review! Hope you liked the update!:)

**Christy: **He's not the rebound!:) Promise! Thanks for the review! I hope this chapter satisfied the Tom questions! More is on the way!:)

**sorangel:** Oh, don't ruin your nails on my account!:) I'm glad that you're enjoying the story! Derek's reaction will be continued in next chapter where we actual get to talk with Wyatt about Tom. More is on the way! Thanks for the review!:)

**chicagonp2012: **Thanks for the review! Better days are coming! I promise! Thanksgiving will be a game changer. It really will be a total jump off the cliff and into uncharted waters. I think that will be really either be a love it or hate it chapter!

**japa01: **Thanks for the review! I hope this was a little bit quicker than before! Yes, Meredith kissing other men…uncharted waters, but it was almost a good thing. Hope you liked it! More is on the way!:)

**vivlovesmerder: **Thanks for the review! Meredith will be forgiving soon! I promise and Derek…he'll be put down…the jerk will be going away. More is on the way!:)

**Khi33: **I'm so glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way! I promise! Things are getting better! Thanks for the review!:)

**Little Rae of Light: **Don't jump, next chapter will be the jump for you. We're going to a whole new dimension. You don't want to miss it! Thanks for the review!:)

**Ellen: **Tom will be coming to the hospital soon enough and meeting Derek. Thank you for the review! More is on the way!:)

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**See you soon:) **


	7. VII: Easy

**Author's Note: **

**So, you're pretty much for Derek or your against him. The reviews are kinda split down the middle...I'm either getting bashed or praised. Hopeful Derek will win some people over. He does explain a few things and Meredith FINAL DECIDES IF SHES STAYING OR GOING. This takes place in what would be 2x09.**

**PLUS, WE MEETING WYATT AGAIN FOR A JOINT SESSION...**

**LET'S JUMP.**

* * *

**Chapter VII**

_"...Whoever said love was easy  
Do you know they told you wrong?  
Cause every time you feel it  
A piece of you is gone  
Is it something that you want?  
Something that you need?  
Cause honey you should know  
Whoever said love was easy  
Do you know they told you wrong..."_

~ "Easy" - John Newman

_11 Weeks Later..._

_November 26, 2005_

"You're supposed to be at home," Derek observed as he stopped and stood next to Webber.

"So are you."

"Best Maze Procedure I've ever done," Burke said as he joined them. "Under an hour."

"I thought you had the day off," Derek chuckled as he turned to look at the cardio department head. "I thought you and Yang were going to enjoy yourselves. You rubbed it in over lunch yesterday."

Burke smiled, "I did. I do. I'm leaving, Shepherd. I'm going home to my wife. I'm simply like to start my day cutting. It gives me a rush."

"Yeah, admit it," Derek smiled. "You're like the rest of us. You can't function ten feet away from the hospital, Burke."

"Oh, I notice you're both here. I got a call from Adele inviting both me and Cristina to Thanksgiving at your place, Webber. So, I know you're supposed to be there."

"I'm on my way home," Webber defended.

"Say it like you mean it," Burke grinned before walking away. Derek smirked at Webber. Richard Webber was a workaholic and Derek was sure that he'd learned all his bad habits from the Chief of Surgery. At least Burke knew when to quit. A week ago, Burke had secretly married Yang and someone had quickly figured out that Yang and Burke had gotten hitched just by the impressive rock on Cristina's finger. The hospital was a gossip whore and Derek was grateful that for once, the spotlight wasn't on him and Meredith. It was refreshing not to turn a corner and find a group of people whispering about them.

"Don't look at me like that, Shepherd," Webber groaned. "I know how to have a life outside this hospital."

"Yeah...damn right, you do," Derek grinned before turning and walking away.

* * *

"Doctor Kent?"

Meredith stood next to Bailey and looked at the surgeon who was subbing in from Mercy West. The guy looked like an ass and she was already over having to work with the jackass.

"Yes?" he asked without looking up and Bailey cleared her throat.

"I'm Bailey," she said, "The surgical resident assisting you today. I know that you're subbing in from Mercy West. So, if there is anything that I can do to help you—"

"Look, I'm here for one day. I don't need my ass kissed," Kent interrupted as he looked up from a chart. "All I need is for you both do what I tell you to do and you do it. And, I don't like mistakes."

Meredith bit her bottom lips. Bailey looked like she was about to strangle the son of a bitch, but the woman kept her composure. Meredith was secretly impressed because she was having her own hard time trying not to snap at the jerk. Mistake

"I don't make mistakes," the woman said together after a moment.

"Whatever," Kent scoffed. "There are two people I want in my O.R., understood? There's a resident…called the Nazi and some intern called Darth Vader. Those are the only two guys that I want. They've got awesome reps and I heard Vader's got balls the size of Texas."

Meredith looked up at the sound of someone snorting. Derek was a few feet away and he looked like he was trying not to laugh as he flipped through someone's chart. He looked up at her and all the air in her chest froze. His blue eyes were filled with mirth and Meredith bit down on her lip to not laugh. He was infectious. He had always been that way. The guy really was ridiculous.

"That big?" Bailey said without humor. "Wow."

"If you see them, let them know that I'm looking for them. For now, you can work on smaller cases. A guy just came in. Page me if you get confused," Kent said before walking away.

"Shepherd, you handle it," Bailey snapped before she turned and looked at her. "I could beat the hell outta that…ooh! He just makes me so mad! I'm pregnant and it's Thanksgiving. I'm going to go lay down. Don't page me unless someone is dying."

Bailey walked off and taking a chance, Meredith walked towards Derek.

"I thought you'd be at Adele's," she commented as he looked up at her. "Did you get the invitation too?"

"I did, but I have a few patients that I have to check on," Derek replied. "Why are you here?"

"I volunteered," Meredith admitted with a shrug. "I just…don't feel very into the holidays this year."

"I feel the same way and speaking of feeling…should I tell Doctor Kent about Nazi and Vader being women?" Derek asked with an amused smile. "I'd like to see his face. Can you just imagine the ass kicking Bailey would give him if she wasn't pregnant?"

"Apparently, I have balls the size of Texas."

Derek chuckled, "I would love to know what Mark would say to all this."

"He'd slap me on the back and congratulate me for being a man about."

Derek laughed as he handed the chart to a nurse, "Ah, I can see that. I have to go check on a patient. I will see you later."

Meredith nodded and watched him walk away. Seeing him smile and laugh, it reminded her of the old Derek. Thanksgiving wasn't going to be the same as it had been the year before. The year before she'd been so damn happy and it was almost nauseating. She'd been planning how she was going to tell Derek that she was pregnant and she'd spent the day eating pecan pie with Addison. Now, a year later, Meredith stood at a nurse's station three thousand miles away. Her life was in shambles and she was absolutely miserable. For weeks, she and Derek had co-existed in some strange dimension. He was polite and courteous at work…almost affectionate to her. He never spoke badly to her or any of the other behaviors that he'd exhibited when they'd first started working at Seattle Grace. He'd changed in so many ways and every day, she was seeing little bits and pieces of the man she'd marry reemerge. He laughed easier than before and he wasn't as intense as he'd been months ago. Everyone had commented how he'd changed. He'd kept every promise that he'd made to her since the day of their dinner with Savvy and Weiss. He'd respected her rules and he hadn't tried any sort of sexual manipulation since the one day in his trailer. Even the nurses at her mother's nursing home had called to say that Ellis responded well to seeing Derek once a week and he visited regardless of what he was doing. He hadn't missed a visit and had even invited her to come with him.

He was the twenty-nine year old guy she'd married again. He was the guy who had big dreams, but never let it take him away from his true-self. He was the guy she'd fallen in love with and it scared her and thrilled her at the same time. At first, she'd thought it had been only temporary, but now…Meredith was convinced that it wasn't a fluke. She was convinced that Derek was changing for the better. Grabbing the patient's chart that she need, Meredith made her way to bed three and looked at the Olivia.

"He's from the garden," Meredith commented. "Fell while being turned?"

"Has to be checked out for insurance," Olivia shrugged as Meredith made her way around the bed. She looked down at the man and sighed. She'd been struggling for a long time to push Derek out of her mind and yet, he always seemed to creep back in. She'd probably have to page him at some point for a consult and she couldn't decide if she was happy or sad about it.

"Temporalparietal scalp lac with associated hematoma," Meredith told Olivia as she examined the man. "Let's irrigate and explore the wound, repair the laceration. Let's also get a C.T. to rule out intercerebral hemorrhage, contusion, or cerebral edema. Olivia, if Doctor Kent asks for either me or Bailey, tell him we're off looking for the Nazi and Darth Vader."

"Yes, Doctor Grey-Shepherd," Olivia replied as Meredith set up to clean the wound. The nurse left and Meredith let out a long breath. She gathered some supplies to clean the wound and throw in two stitches.

"It's just me and you," Meredith sighed as she pulled up a stool. "I'd give anything for your kind of serenity."

Before she could do anything, the man's eyes opened and startled her. Looking down, eyes met the man's and he held her gaze and if felt like…like he was staring at her…

The man was staring at her.

He was holding her gaze.

* * *

Meredith was certain that she'd seen Holden McKee looking at her. Bailey had brushed it off in the on-call room and the E.R. people had laughed at her, but she was certain. She knew what she'd seen and even though neuro didn't interest her and a cardiac case had come in, Meredith had assigned herself to the case. She knew that Holden needed Derek.

"I need a neuro consult," she announced as she walked into Derek's office. He was throwing on a dress coat over his clothing and he looked up at her. "Are you leaving?"

"I told Adele that I'd go to Thanksgiving," he shrugged. "I'm trying to keep that promise. What do you have?"

"Holden McKee, P.V.S. for sixteen years," she said as she handed him the chart.

"There's no bleed, no mass and no fractures…he can be discharged," Derek said after a moment as he looked at the films that Meredith had gotten.

"He opened his eyes when I was examining him."

"Yeah, that's normal, Meredith. Certain reflexes are preserved. Too much time on Cardio is never a good thing," he teased gently with a smile. "Are you sure that I can't convince you to spend more time in neuro?"

Meredith ignored his teasing and shook her head, "Derek, he was looking at me. Yes, Bailey brushed me off and the whole E.R. laughed at me as well, but he was looking at me. Please, trust me."

"Okay. He was looking at you," Derek nodded as he slipped his coat back off. "Let's go."

Meredith was surprised by Derek's agreement with her. It was true. She had bonded with Yang over Cardio. They both had a mutual love of it and Burke was a good teacher. Neuro wasn't exciting and unlike Derek, she found it confusing at times. It overwhelmed her and the idea of working side by side with him everyday made her stomach turn. Wordlessly, she followed him to Holden McKee's bedside and Derek began his examination.

"There's no sustained visual pursuit. You know, you might have just seen him respond to some sort of external stimuli," Derek comment after a few minutes. "He wasn't looking at you. I'm sorry, Meredith."

She nearly scoffed as she arched an eyebrow at her husband, "Don't use that tone you use when you're trying to let someone down easy. Honest, Derek. I know what I saw. He was looking at me."

"Keep talking," he said suddenly. "Walk over to my side of the bed."

Meredith looked down to see that Holden McKee was looking at her again. His eyes were trained on her and he was watching at her as she walked around the bed towards Derek.

"Holden," Meredith said gently. "Holden, can you hear me?"

"It's you," Derek murmured to her quietly as he looked up at her. "He's tracking you. He's following your voice."

"I told you," Meredith smiled as she crossed her arms over her chest.

* * *

"Remind me never to doubt you," Derek said as he stuck a scan up in a light box. "I should never doubt my wife. I'm stocking that piece of wisdom away for later."

Meredith didn't know what to say as she came to stand beside him. In the past, she would have wanted to make some kind of snarky, rude reference to his past mistakes. Now, she just wanted to tease him and tell him that it would never happen. He'd find something to doubt her over in a few hours. Saying mean words…they wouldn't solve anything and in the past few weeks, Meredith had found herself thinking less and less about the past and more and more about the future. Derek was in that future, she wanted him in that future. The only question was whether or not he wanted her.

"Well, that's why there's no mention of brain atrophy in the C.T. report because there isn't any."

"None? He's been P.V.S. for sixteen years."

"Well, he's not P.V.S." Derek said as he turned to look at her, "Meredith, he's minimally conscious."

"And no one noticed?" she exclaimed in surprise.

"He was in a regular nursing home, so they just…"

"Missed it," she finished for him. "He's been frozen…sleeping for sixteen years and they missed it? That sucks, Derek. That really sucks."

"We might be able to wake him up. There is one thing that he can be grateful for," Derek murmured back as he looked at her with warmth in his eyes.

"What's that?" Meredith demanded as she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the wall. Derek grinned at her and looked back at the scans.

"He had a very good doctor catch what most people wouldn't. I mean it," he said as his eyes flashed back to her. "Good catch, Meredith. I would love to stand around and kiss your ass, but we have to get in contact with his family."

"You know what? I passed up a triple-A for this," she comment as she looked at him. "I got in on a Maze Procedure this morning though…I'll be grateful for that. I'm not grateful that you can wake this guy up. Sixteen years, Derek? It's gonna suck waking up. It's nothing to be grateful for."

"You'll be happy you missed that triple-A," Derek grinned as he took the scans down. "Cardio isn't everything it's cracked up to be. I thought you liked neuro."

"Neuro is your thing," Meredith teased. "You're not going to convince me, Derek. Neuro is the dark side and I am a good Jedi."

"They call you Darth Vader! Come to the dark side. I promise, you'll have fun and I have cookies," Derek teased back as he crossed his arms over his chest. "It'll be great. You'll enjoy neuro…I know you will."

"You can cook, but you can't bake. Trust me! I've had your cookies before. I'm not eating them ever again. I'm not going to join you in neuro."

Not saying anything else, Meredith moved to the door and yanked it open. Stepping out, she couldn't help but to pity the Holden McKee. He'd lost sixteen years of his life because someone had screwed up. Someone hadn't noticed that he was conscious. They'd just…passed by him. They hadn't cared…but, Derek would have caught it if it had been her. He would have never let a nursing home neglect her like they'd neglected Holden McKee.

The thought stopped Meredith in her tracks. If it had been her in Holden's position, she knew that Derek would have never accepted what had happened. He would have fought hard for her. He would have done everything in his power to wake her up. She didn't doubt it for a moment…but, she did doubt him in other parts of their life. Medicine was their mutual bond and she trusted him in that. The thought made her shake her head because it was silly…she could trust him no matter what. He'd proved that in the last few weeks.

Why couldn't she accept that she could trust him?

* * *

Within two hours, she and Derek were standing side by side looking down at the busy waiting room. Meredith scanned the crowd looking for something…anything that would tell her who exactly Mrs. McKee was.

"I love the holidays…it's like a surgical gold mine," Meredith murmured as she watched different families receive news on their loved ones. Almost all the families were for surgical patients.

"If I knew you got this excited about holidays and hospitals…the feeling is mutual…we're not normal," Derek said as he leaned on the railing next to her. "We are not normal people. Most people get excited about a day off from work us? You volunteer to work and I come in even though I supposed to be off. We're sick people."

"We've never been normal, Derek. Face it."

He was silent for a moment before he let out a long breath, "Which one do you think is Mrs. McKee?"

Meredith ignored him as she looked at each of the women. Her gaze kept coming back to a woman in a stripped sweater. She wore the same worried expression on her face as other wives in the waiting room, but there was something about her look that kept bringing her back to the woman. After a moment, Meredith finally placed it.

Guilt…

The woman looked like she was overwhelming guilty of something and Meredith knew that the woman had to be Mrs. McKee. After sixteen years…Meredith almost expected that the woman had moved on. She wouldn't have expected anything less. Most people would move on with their lives. Holding her breath, Meredith paused. She wasn't most people. If something happened to Derek…Meredith let out the breath she was holding. There was no getting over Derek. He was it for her. She hadn't really ever believed in soul mates or anything like, but if she did…Derek was hers. She would be devastated and there would be no moving on. Life without Derek seemed almost pointless.

"It's her," Meredith pointed out as she stopped leaning against the railing. "That's Mrs. McKee."

"How do you know?"

"Do you remember telling me that I should always trust my gut feeling first?" Meredith questioned as the pager on her hip beeped.

It was the tenth time in two hours and she was ready to break it. She was so sick of being paged every ten minutes by Doctor Kent looking for her and wanting to know if she'd found Darth Vader yet. He'd called saying that there was a long line of sutures that needed to be done in the pit, but Meredith didn't have the time to go help. The bastard could do it for all she cared.

"Yeah," Derek said with a confused expression. "I'm pretty sure I'd had a lot of scotch at the time, but why?"

"I trust my gut," she explained as she pulled the pager off her hip. "I haven't been wrong yet and I don't plan on starting anytime soon."

"Is it a 9-1-1?"

"That son of a bitch is still looking for Darth Vader," she scoffed as she replaced the pager on its clip. "I have this case and maybe something cardiac if I'm lucky later. I'm not giving into his demands for Darth Vader. Besides, when I do get off…he has an ass kicking coming. Saying I have balls the size of Texas! Really? Honestly, the stupidity of people…Bailey was right. I will kick his ass for her since she can't anymore."

Derek shook his head as he stood up straighter, "I'm pretty sure he'd kick your ass, Meri. I love you, but you're petite. You're like what? Five-five? A hundred pounds soaking wet?"

"Two hours ago you were saying how you should never doubt your wife." Meredith reminded him with a smile, "What the hell happened?"

"You made your point," Derek smiled. "Let's go talk to the McKee's."

* * *

His family sucked.

Holden McKee's family sucked.

That was the one thing Meredith was sure of as she sat on the floor of Holden McKee's room doing charts. Derek had gone to find them something to eat. He claimed that they would have their own little Thanksgiving while they waited for Holden to wake up. A minute later, Derek entered the room and joined her on the ground. Sliding the charts away from her, Meredith accepted the spoon and small container that he offered her.

"So," Derek said quietly as he stretched his legs out in front of him. "I brought pudding and I thought that we could have a conversation."

"Over pudding?" Meredith asked with an arched brow. "You certainly are buttering me up for something. Didn't they have any pecan pie?"

She popped the cap off the top of the container and smiled. Taking a bite, she moaned in satisfaction at the pudding. It was the only good thing that Meredith had found at the hospital and Bailey had tipped her off about adding chocolate chips…she liked Bailey's weird cravings sometimes.

"What do you want to talk about?" she said as she stretched her legs out in front of her. Derek mimicked her position and took a bite of his own pudding. He looked…nervous and it made her anxious. It took a lot to make Derek nervous and whatever he had to talk about with her…it was life changing. Whatever he wanted to talk about, she wanted to avoid. Clearing her throat, Meredith looked over at him.

"Was waking him up the right thing to do?" she asked. Derek relaxed a little as he looked over at her. His blue eyes held the same warmth that they'd held for weeks and she no longer doubted that the warmth there would leave. He looked at her like he used to and she wanted him to never look at her any differently again.

"No one should be in the state that he's in."

"His family is gone. It's gonna be awful. Sixteen years, Derek…that's a lot of time," Meredith reasoned. "I can't imagine what he's gonna go through…"

"If I was in his state and I had one shot at seeing you again…of talking to you…I'd want to be woken up. Even if you moved on and had a family with another man…I'd still want the chance just to see you again. I wouldn't even have to talk to you, but just to see you…" Derek said quietly before taking another bite of his pudding. "I'd just like that one chance."

"You think I'd move on?" she questioned with a curious tone. "You think I'd give you up?"

"I'd want you to move on. I don't want to hold you back. I want you to be happy."

Sitting in silence, Meredith tried to process his words, but she didn't think he understood just how much he meant to her. He was like oxygen. From the very moment she'd met him, Derek had been like oxygen to her. Even during the past few months, he'd still be her oxygen. Just walking past him in the halls or riding the elevator with him…that was like taking a breath for her.

"Would you move on if it were me?"

Her question had slipped out, but she wasn't surprised. Meredith wanted to know. Derek put his pudding cup down and looked at her with a soft smile on his handsome face.

"No," he replied. "I don't think that I could ever get over you."

"So, why do you think that I could get over you?"

Before he could reply, his pager went off. Taking it off his belt, he swore quietly and stood.

"Stay with Mr. McKee and page me the moment that he wakes up. I've got to go deal with a knife in a guys head," he told her as he quickly walked towards the door. Before he left the room, he turned around and looked at her.

"Meredith?"

Looking up, she looked at him curiously.

"Thank you. It was good to have Thanksgiving dinner with you," he smiled before turning on his heel and running towards the E.R.

Shaking her head, Meredith finished her pudding and resumed the charting that she'd been doing earlier. Before she'd taken three bites, Alex popped his head into the room and knocked on the wall.

"What are you doing here?" Alex asked. "Don't you have a husband and Thanksgiving at home?"

"I'm waiting for my guy to wake up," Meredith replied before she took another bite of the pudding, "Why aren't you at Izzie's Thanksgiving? She invited everyone practically."

"She didn't invite you and Yang."

"She doesn't like me and Cristina," she told him as he took a seat next to her. He was someone that she considered a friend. Meredith didn't know why Izzie didn't like her anymore, but the blonde model made it no secret how little she liked both Meredith and Cristina. It was probably because both women were involved with attending, but Meredith liked to think that Izzie wasn't that petty.

"I tell you something, you tell me something. Deal?" Alex said as he brought his knees to his chest and looked at her expectantly. Meredith looked at him for a moment before she looked at Holden McKee.

"My husband and I are separated," she admitted and quickly launched into what had happened. Alex sat patiently as she explained everything to him. She poured out how she had a difficult time trusting him and how hard she'd found it to forgive him for what he'd done. Meredith told Alex how Derek had changing the past few weeks and how it made her hope and long for him at the same time, but something was holding her back. It was like they were in rut and she couldn't figure out how to escape it. She and Derek were slowly slipping into the friend's zone. She didn't know what to do.

"When pushed comes to shove, you'll know." Alex said as he chuckled. "Something will happen and you know what to do."

"What do you have to tell me," Meredith demanded.

"I failed my medical boards," he told her and shrugged. "I'm done."

"You can study. It's not too late. Izzie will help you," she insisted. "I know she will. Izzie is in love with you."

"You missed the part where I cheated on her, Grey," Alex chuckled. "Izzie hates my guts."

"She'll help you."

"It's was nice talkin' with you."

He stood up and left her alone again with Mr. McKee. Reaching for Derek's container of pudding, Meredith watched the man sleeping on the bed. She was afraid of Derek leaving her. That was why Meredith was having a hard time. She was afraid of him hurting her and abandoning her if she let him in again, but she had to take that leap of faith. She had to trust that the change that she'd seen in him was good. That it wasn't an act because Meredith knew Derek. The thought of losing him scared her and a horrible thought popped into her head.

Was he leaving Seattle?

Was that what he wanted to talk to her about?

* * *

Holden hadn't made it and it broke Meredith's heart. She stood next to Derek as she scrubbed out and let out a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry he didn't make it," Derek said softly, "I'll go—"

"You had something serious that you wanted to discuss earlier," Meredith interrupted. "What was it?"

Derek looked at her and sighed. She stared at him silently for a moment and the fear in her chest grew by the minute. She found herself suddenly terrified that he was leaving Seattle. Was he leaving her and going someplace that she couldn't follow? The very thought made her tremble with fear. She just needed to know what he wanted to talk with her about.

"I, uh, signed the papers," Derek murmured to her after a moment.

"What?" Meredith breathed as she looked at him in shock. She was both happy and depressed. Happy that he wasn't leaving and depressed that he'd signed the papers.

"I signed the papers. I sent them to New York."

"Oh," Meredith said as she leaned back against the sink and gripped their edges tightly. She felt dizzy and it wasn't from relief. She'd seen him…the real him for weeks and he was doing what she'd asked weeks ago, but weeks ago…he'd been different. Leaving him had only been a theory in her mind and now…leaving him wasn't a reality that she wanted to deal with. Alex had been right…when something happened…Meredith knew what to do.

"Why? What changed your mind?" she asked. "You were set on not signing."

Derek finished scrubbing out and dried his hands. He sat down on the metal stool and looked at her. There was a broken look in his eyes that Meredith was certain mirrored her one. If he looked the way she felt…

"I'm not going to force you to stay with me," Derek told her quietly. "I'm not going to use sex to manipulate you into staying. I'm not going to use words to persuade you, Meredith. You're…you're a beautiful, grown woman who can make her own decisions. You don't want to be with me and I love you. Loving you means putting you first. Putting your happiness, your dreams, your desires…those all come before me and what I want. That's what I've been forgetting for the past year. It means not taking from you until you feel like you have nothing left to give. It means not punishing you and treating you wrong. You're my wife and you deserve so much more than what I've given you."

His voice broke at the end and Meredith looked away.

"I got caught up in work," he continued. "I don't know what happened. Time just…seemed to get away from me. I kept telling myself that I would change how things were going after I finished the brain mapping project. I kept telling myself that I was doing that project for you, that I had to do it for you. That was a lie. It was an excuse to work and be away from you. It was an excuse not to give a crap about anything else but work. I decided after last Christmas that I would take time off at the beginning of the summer. We'd go away for a while before the start of your residency. Hearing Addison and my sisters…it scared me. It made me question everything that I knew about you and I would have rather pushed you away than confront this…thing and maybe on some unconscious level I was looking for an out, but I should have gone to you straight after hearing it. I should have talked to you and I didn't. I'm so sorry for doing that. It gave me an excuse to act the way I did when the truth is that you're my wife. There is no excuse for what I did. I can tell you all the reasons and give you pretty speeches, but at the end of the day, you're my wife and you deserved so much more from me and there is no excuse. I love you so much and I'm sorry for how I behaved. That's why I signed. You deserve better than me. I want you to have better than me."

"We've both done stupid things. You kissed Rose…that was stupid," Meredith said tearfully. "We've both run, too."

"You kissed the neighbor," Derek smiled.

"That was even stupider."

Derek nodded as stood and he leaned back against the metal sink, "Did you kiss him to get back at me?"

"I kissed him to try and prove to myself that I could get over you," Meredith scoffed tiredly. "He was gay, anyways. His partner found my boobs incredibly disturbing. Kissing him…it felt wrong. It felt wrong in so many ways. He wasn't you. That's when I realized the truth. I can't get over you. I thought that I could have you for one last night. That I could do that and get over you, but I wouldn't be here if I could," Meredith smiled at him sadly. "Did you think about it?"

"About you kissing the neighbor?" Derek asked her as he turned and stared back into her green eyes.

"Yeah, you told me you had to think. Did you?"

Reaching for her hand, Derek held it in his. Her hand compared to his was delicate and frail almost. Her fingers were long and narrow and so very different from his.

"I left you in the gallery because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. That's what I wanted to tell you the night we fought after dinner. There was nothing to think about," Derek told her softly. "I, uh, talked about it with Wyatt that night and I realized that after everything that has happened…I have no right to blame you or be angry with you, Meredith. We keep trying to blame someone for what happened and the truth is that we both screwed up. I screwed up more than you, but we both screwed up. We are equal partners in marriage and with that means we share equal blame. We both screwed up and we both let things get as bad as they have been. We both have had opportunities to make things right and neither of us have taken them seriously. We keep counting on giving each other second chances. That's not how this works."

"Your mom told me something like that when she was in town back in August," Meredith murmured. "You've been going to see Doctor Wyatt every week."

"I promised you that I would. It's been good to have someone to talk to," Derek replied as he lovingly looked at her with a smile. "You made rules and I'm doing my best to respect your rules. No living together. No sex. No sleepovers…it's what you wanted. I'm not going to manipulate those rules for my own gain. I'm hoping that one day you can trust me again, even if I'm not your husband then."

Raising her free hand, Meredith cupped his cheek and turned her body towards him. Her hand never left his as she searched his eyes. They were warm and loving…not the cold, icy blue they'd been months before. His whole demeanor had changed and she saw it every day in the way he met her outside the intern's locker room with a cup of coffee. At first, she'd been resentful. She believed that he was sucking up to her, but when he was there every day regardless of whether or not he had to be at the hospital or she wanted him there, it was then that Meredith knew. He was changing for the better. The arrogant neurosurgeon that couldn't come home at night because he was too busy doing other things was fading away and coming back to life was the man she loved. He was beginning to make her feel special and loved again. He was coming back to her.

"You've changed," she whispered as she let her fingertips run over the stubble of his jaw. "You're not the same man that came to Seattle."

"Weiss called me out on my bullshit," Derek explained as he turned and looked out at the empty O.R., "He called me out on my bullshit. I've never been yelled at like he was yelling at me. I tried to talk to him about being a jerk to Savvy at dinner and he let me have it, Meri. He didn't hold back telling me exactly what he thought of me. I spoke with Wyatt about it and we agreed that in order for me to fix what I'd done wrong in our marriage…Meredith, I had to work on me. That's what I've been doing these past few weeks. It's not that I don't want to be around you because God, I want to always be with you. I've been seeing Wyatt three times a week.. just trying to fix me and understand what I did. I don't want it to happen again. I don't want what happened to ever happen again regardless of whether or not you're my wife. I lost sight of myself. I became the person I never wanted to be, Meredith."

"Weiss has a way of doing that…kicking our asses when we need a swift kick," Meredith laughed softly and Derek joined her. After the laughter died down, they stood…just watching the other. Meredith couldn't take her eyes away from him because she felt hope blooming deep inside her. Hope for the future and she wanted to hold onto that hope.

"Come with me to Wyatt," he said softly. "Why don't we just stop trying to assign blame? We just both have to acknowledge that we are at fault and I don't know about you, but I'm ready to move on."

"It's you," Meredith murmured back as she dropped her hand and looked at the wall opposite her. He was changing and yet, Meredith felt like she was stuck. She felt like she was in a rut that she wasn't quite sure how to escape.

"I should have told you," she whispered back. "I should have told you the minute it happened."

"Meredith—" he said as his eyes softened towards her.

"I slipped at school the day before it happened. I didn't even fall…I just slid across some ice. Mark had come to have lunch with me and he caught me before I even fell. You, uh, called that night saying that you were going to crash in an on-call room. It was fine. I had studying to do and I went to be around midnight. I woke up about two hours later. I didn't feel good and I decided to take a bath. I felt better after an hour and I went back to bed. I was so exhausted that I didn't even know something was wrong until I woke up an hour later. There was blood everywhere and it hurt. I called Addison and she came," Meredith explained to him tearful. "She, uh, she took me back to home with her. Mark was out of town, or whatever. She gave me a sedative and I slept until you called the next day wondering where I was."

"Your friend had called looking for you," Derek murmured as he reached up and grabbed the box of tissues that was on the counter above them. "She was worried that you hadn't shown up to study with her."

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't call you. I should have called you." Meredith lifted her head and looked at him sadly, "You're mom told me that I would know when I'd forgiven you and I think I can truly say that I've forgiven you. After today…Derek, I don't want to be the coma guy. The coma guy who has so much to say and yet, he sleeps his life away and never gets to fulfill anything. I don't want to be my mom who has nothing and no one I want to be with you and I want every moment to count. I forgive you and I'm sorry for hiding things from you. I just…don't want you for one last night. I want you for whole my life…every part of it."

Meredith smiled, "We have to talk about the box under the bed at your trailer."

"I'm sorry," he replied quietly as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I looked in the box once before. I was looking for shoes and found it instead."

"So…you know...everything."

"I know about the Alzheimer test."

"I had it done after you accused me of being my mom. Amelia stole the script pads and you thought I'd misplaced it…I thought that I'd done something," Meredith admitted sadly. "So, I got tested."

"God, Meredith it doesn't mean that you have the disease. Why did you do that? You shouldn't listen to me," Derek groaned. "I'm an idiot. I'm a good doctor, but a dumb man."

"We'll face it whether I get the disease or not. Hell, you may even cure it. You're so dead set on it."

"I had the wrong intentions. I used that as an excuse to work. If anything, _we_ will cure it…together because I can't think of anyone else I'd want to help."

"What if I told you I don't want to cure it?"

"I'd ask why," Derek said as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Why wouldn't you want to try and cure the one thing that frightens you more than anything?"

"You don't need to prove that you love me by curing a disease," Meredith murmured. "Prove you love me by staying with me no matter what happens. Come hell or high water, just stay with me. That's all you have to do. Don't cure Alzheimer's for me. If I get, just take care of me and love even when I'm having horrible days where I say nasty things to everyone and can't remember who I am. Just love me. That's better than curing Alzheimer's for me."

"Okay, I can do that," Derek said as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and drew her close. "No curing Alzheimer's."

"Thank you," Meredith sighed. Snuggling to his chest, she closed her eyes when she felt his lips brush against her top of her head. Everything felt right in her world for the first time in a long time.

"So, we have a dog," Derek stated as Meredith laughed as she looked up at him.

"Mmm," she replied with a smile. "His name is Beau. You'll like him."

"I like dogs," he smiled.

"Thank God that I didn't get a cat, Doctor Shepherd."

"It is a very good thing, Doctor Shepherd."

Meredith looked up at him and smiled, "I think you should call the lawyer in the morning."

"Agreed," Derek smiled. "We should scrub out and go see Adele for Thanksgiving. We might even get some leftovers if we're lucky."

Meredith grinned at him, "I call any pie. I want pie today."

* * *

_November 28, 2005_

Wyatt's office was on the fifth floor of the hospital.

The waiting room was mostly empty when Derek held open the door for Meredith. She slipped inside, but he could already tell that she was nervous. Opening up to people had never been one of her strong suits. He frowned a little as she sat down on one of the plush couches. He didn't want her uncomfortable to the point where she felt like she couldn't be open and honest with him or Wyatt. Sitting next to her, he crossed his legs and took out his black berry and checked his emails before turning it off. Slipping it into his pocket, he watched Meredith from the corner of his eye. She looked tense and she nearly jumped when the door opened and Wyatt stepped into the waiting room. She quickly introduced herself to Meredith and ushered them both into her cozy office. The only seating optional was a cozy love seat like the one in the lobby that both Meredith and Derek sank down onto. Meredith dropped her tote down onto the floor at her feet and watched Wyatt like a hawk as the woman situated herself across from them.

"It's so nice to meet you, Meredith. I get to put a name with a face. How was your day?" Wyatt asked with a comforting smile. "I've heard a lot about you, but I feel like I don't know you."

"I'm, uh, I…there isn't much to say about me," Meredith returned as she furiously twisted her wedding rings around her ring finger. "My day was long. My days are always long."

"And you, Derek?" Wyatt asked politely. "How was your day?"

"Busy," he said. "I, uh, had five surgeries today."

Silence descended over them as Wyatt smiled politely at them both, "So? We have an hour…let's talk about your rules, Meredith. I think those are important to you. You've demonstrated what you needed from him. Why did you propose them?"

"I felt they were what I needed to know that I could trust him," Meredith admitted grudgingly. "I didn't really have expectations."

"I think you did. You wouldn't have made the rules if you hadn't. You basically told Derek that you needed him to do things to prove that he wanted to be in a relationship with you. Do you think that he's done that? Is that why you're agreed to come?"

"There were a lot of reasons why I agreed to come."

"Okay. Let's talk about your rules. We can break them down and think if there what you both need now because you're both in different frames of thought now then you were a few months ago. What was the first rule?

"We originally agreed not to live with each other and to go out on dates every week. On the date, we don't speak about anything related to the hospital," Meredith sighed. "Those were the first two rules."

"How do you both feel about that rule now?"

Meredith looked at him expectantly and Derek cleared his throat, "I…I think it's a good rule. Meredith and I both see each other during the day quite a bit and it's nice to have our own spaces, I think. It would be nice to live together again, but I don't think that it's quite as important as the weekly dates. I think that's important."

"Do you actually practice both rules?" Wyatt asked.

"Only the first one," Meredith jumped in. "We don't exactly have a lot of time for the second one."

"We just haven't found a day that we both have off," Derek amended.

"Maybe you can?" Wyatt suggested.

"That would mean talking to Bailey," Meredith mumbled. "I doubt that would happen."

"I could ask her," Derek suggested as he looked at her with a smile. Meredith looked at him like he'd grown a second head and Wyatt smiled.

"What's the next rule, Meredith?"

"Meeting with you weekly…together."

Derek's hand itched to reach out and hold hers. She was twisting her ring around her finger and he was certain that she'd rubbed her skin raw. He just wanted to hold her hand in his and offer some comfort.

"Is it alright if I tell you both what I think of the rules and what might benefit you both?" Wyatt asked calmly.

They both nodded and Wyatt cleared her throat. "I don't think all the rules are going to be helpful. I agree with the going out every week on dates. You both need to build your relationship outside the hospital as well as build within it. Both of you need to remember that you do have a life that doesn't revolve around surgeries. I know that you're surgeons and that's what you think, but you both have friends and family outside the hospital. Going out like a normal couple to do any activity would be good for you. I also agree with not talking about anything hospital related. Communication breakdown happens, I think, because couples limit themselves on what they say to each other. You both need to talk about other things. Do that when you go out. This might sound silly, but I think you two should do an exercise. Every time that you two see each other, the first thing that you do is say something that you haven't told the other person or something that you've wanted to say, but haven't found the words to say it and we can talk about what you've said here every week. Don't judge what the other person has to say and just listen and acknowledge. If you need help…speak up."

Derek stole a look at Meredith as Wyatt spoke. She looked slightly dismayed by the idea of what Wyatt was proposing, but nodded in agreement.

"Secondly, I don't agree with not living with one another. I think that moving on from what has happened means physically getting back together and functioning like a unit because you two are a unit. Living together means having to interact outside of the hospital which is what both of you need. You might not think that it will help, but it will. It will help to live with each other again and have to interact in a situation in which Meredith isn't the resident and Derek is the attending."

"Okay," Meredith agreed as she looked over at him. "I can do that. I can see the point in it."

"Where are you both going to live?" Wyatt asked. "You don't have to agree on something today. What do you think, Derek?"

Derek looked at Meredith a moment before looking at Wyatt and nodding, "I agree with Meredith. I can see the point, but we can't live out at the trailer. There isn't really any heating in the winter and I don't want her out there in the cold."

"Okay," Wyatt responded. "Did you want to live at the trailer, Meredith?"

"No," she replied quickly. "I hate that trailer. It has no bathtub."

"Why don't you both look for a place that you both want to live at," Wyatt suggested. "It doesn't have to be a house. It could be an apartment or condo…anything, but why don't you just sit down together and it give it some thought. Make it a mutual decision that you both feel you get a say in and agree on. Am I correct in saying Meredith that you haven't felt like you've really had a choice in where you live in the past year?"

Derek looked over at her for a minute and Meredith reluctantly nodded. She didn't say anything, but let out a shaky breath. She looked extremely uncomfortable and like she was resisting the urge to jump off the couch and run to the door.

"What was the next rule again?" Wyatt asked kindly.

"Meeting with you," Meredith supplied. "Originally, it was just supposed to be Derek, but I think we both should come."

"I agree. That rule is fine. Is there another rule?"

Meredith shifted uncomfortably next to him and Derek cleared his throat.

"The, uh, next rule was no sex…" he tailed off, suddenly feeling just as uncomfortable as Meredith probably felt. He'd never spoken with anyone about being with Meredith. It had never seemed like it was alright to do. Meredith was his wife and what they did with each other was no one's busy.

"We don't have sleepovers, no sleeping together…none of that," Meredith finished for him as sat up straighter.

"Why?"

"Excuse me?" Meredith choked out. "I don't understand."

"Why did you suggest the no sex rule?

"Sex just didn't seem like a good idea at the time. He and I were in different spaces and I just…sex didn't seem like it needed to be a part of the solution."

"It was a good idea at the time," Derek added. "I would have used sex. I would have used it to manipulate her emotions. I'm ashamed to say that, but I would have. It was good idea."

"And now?" Wyatt asked. "How do you both feel about sex?"

Neither Meredith nor Derek said anything. They both looked distinctly uncomfortable at having to answer the woman.

"I disagree with that rule," Wyatt continued. "If you're both comfortable with having sex with one another…I think you should. I think that you need to have sex. You'll feel closer and you have feel like there isn't such a gap between the two of you. It doesn't have to be even sex. If you're both on-call for a night and you both get a chance to sleep…go find the other person and share one of the bunks. One on the top and one on the bottom, you might feel strange or uncomfortable, but it will help as well."

"And if that isn't possible?" Meredith demanded with an arched brow.

"The problems that you're both facing is about you two not being about to connect and share. It's about you both facing trust and communication issues. Sharing a bed…having sex…those involve trust and communication. It's a place to start and I think that you'll both feel better once you're intimate. Other people might disagree, but I don't. You might not feel like you want to be intimate with him, Meredith. That's okay! You don't have to have to be intimate with him. This is about building trust and if you don't trust him enough right now…I want you to think about what trust means to you and what you need to feel like you can comfortably have sex with Derek."

Meredith nodded, but didn't look convinced.

"You don't have to do anything that I say," Wyatt said as she closed her notepad and leaned forward. "If you're not ready for sex…you're not ready and there is no shame in that. It's perfectly okay to turn to Derek and tell him that you're not ready. The same goes for you Derek. If you're not ready to have sex with Meredith, tell her. Just remember to communicate openly between each other and say why you feel that way. You both have to work through the issues. Think of it as being on a team. You two are a team and you have to work together. It's something to consider. Just think about it."

Meredith still didn't look convinced as Wyatt smiled at the both of them.

"I think we did good this week," the red headed woman said. "I think it would beneficial right now for you both to once a week right now. Look at your calendars and give me a call. Think about what you need. Both of you because your individual needs are just as important as your relationship needs."

* * *

_December 1, 2005_

"Thanks for coming," Meredith said as she opened the door and let Derek in. Her kitchen sink had stopped working and the water main had been shut off until someone could fix it. The plumber that he been coming to fix it hadn't shown up and Meredith, taking a leap of faith, had called Derek and asked for help like Wyatt had suggested. Wyatt had suggested speaking up when the other person needed help and in that moment, Meredith needed help…so she was asking for help.

Derek smiled as he stepped into the house and patted Beau on the head. "It's not a problem. Is this Beau?"

"The one and only," Meredith smiled as she scooped him up. "He's a baby."

"I didn't expect him to be so small," Derek confessed. "You said that the plumber hasn't come?"

"He's a no show. I've been waiting for hours. This is how I get to spend my day off…waiting."

Derek nodded and looked around. She felt awkward having him inside the house. Boxes were still stacked everywhere and most of her mother's things were still packed from the first time she'd been in Seattle.

"Most of everything here is my mother's things," Meredith said nervously. "Lots medical books and crap that I don't want look at. I know it's a kinda bare around here. Just ignore it, I do."

"Meredith…it's fine," Derek said with an easy smile. "Don't worry about it. Trust me. The trailer looks a little bare without your things in it too. I was actually thinking of going and getting some things from storage."

"Oh?"

"Just pictures and things…make it feel a little more like home," he explained. "Why don't you show me that sink and I'll see if there is anything I can do to fix it. It's probably the same thing that happened to my mom's sink."

Grateful for the excuse, Meredith quickly moved across the living room to the kitchen. She'd cleaned out the area that Derek would be working in and showed him the problem. He laid on his back for several minutes as he examined the piping before he stood up.

"Now that we're here," Derek said as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter. "Every time some dies, I go home and clean out my tackle box. It's this…stupid comforting ritual that I do. I don't why, but I just do it."

Meredith stared at him, "After someone dies…and you never said anything? Is that why you wouldn't want to talk to me all night? Just…be surrounded by your fishing stuff?"

"Yeah, I just…I just wanted to forget and cleaning the box…it helped."

"Fix my sink," Meredith said with narrowed eyes. "And pray that I don't throw something at you. You're buying pizza tonight."

Derek grinned at her as she reached for the phone, "What do you have for me? What is something you've never told me?"

"You toss and turn in bed," Meredith shot back. "It kept me up some nights."

"The feeling is mutual. You snore," Derek returned. "It has to be something that we both don't know, Meredith. We were supposed to tell each other things. The things that we haven't told each other or the things that we want to tell each other about ourselves, but haven't found the time or desire."

Meredith looked down at her hands and nervously twisted her wedding rings. Opening up had never been easy for her, they both knew that. She'd always avoided things and having to face them head on wasn't easy.

"When I…I must have been five," Meredith murmured quietly after a few minutes. "My, uh, my mom…things with Richard Webber didn't work out. It was late one night and she came home. Something was off and I didn't know what it was at the time. It was the same night that my nanny found positive pregnancy tests in the bathroom upstairs."

"She was pregnant?" Derek asked with concern as Meredith nodded.

"With Richard Webber's baby," she continued tearfully. "I, uh, only learned about later. When I first moved here, I found all these journals. She'd written about how she'd lost the pregnancy after that night."

"What happened?"

"She had a ten blade and she cut her wrists. She told me not to be afraid. That everything would be okay. There was blood everywhere, Derek," Meredith said as a tear slipped down her cheek. "This whole kitchen was covered in blood. She passed out and I called 9-1-1. They came, she went to the hospital and I spent a week in foster care. She never even asked me about it. We never spoke about what had happened. I never told anyone. You're the first person to know that. I never told Richard about it. He's always tried to be the dad that I never had, but there is just things that I can't tell him. I don't have…I don't have many happy memories or happy things to say about me. There are a lot of things that I don't want to share. You have all these happy things and I don't. I don't…I don't want to scare you off. So, there…there is one of my many secrets. My things I have to say to you. None of it is happy, Derek. It's dark…all of it is dark."

He pushed himself off the counter and wrapped his arms around her. It felt good to just have him hug her. It was a small intimacy that she allowed and it felt so right to be in his arms, even just for a second. Closing her eyes, Meredith listened to his heart beating and felt lighter. She'd told him a secret and he hadn't run away. She'd told him something about her screwed up past and he hadn't judged her or shamed her for being screwed up like she feared he would.

"Tell me something light," he murmured as his chin rested upon her head. "Something that makes you laugh that you don't tell me about. You and Addison are always laughing…even Yang laughs with you."

"You look so stupid with the fish scrub cap on," Meredith blurted out a second later with a laugh as she pulled away from him. "I hate that I bought that thing for you and the ferry boat one makes me want to kiss you. I can't stand your scrub caps and when you wear the navy one? I breathe a sigh of relief."

"I'll wear the ferry boat one from now on and hope for a kiss," Derek murmured with a smile. "What kind of pizza are we getting? I can fix the sink, but it will take some time."

"Cheese and I'll order a salad just to make you happy," Meredith smiled feeling lighter than she had in months. "We should also talk about the living situation. I think you should just move in here. I like living in this house. It's close to the hospital and I've unpacked my things and…"

"We should build a house," Derek told her as her eyes went wide. "We should build our dream house."

* * *

_December 2, 2005_

"How do you do it?" Burke asked.

On the bunk below, Derek groaned. It was late and he was on-call. Meredith was at the house asleep. He'd talked to her before he'd come to lay down and she'd been exhausted from and thirty-six hour shift. Derek was just as tired as she was and he didn't want to talk about his relationship with Burke. The guy was alright and Derek knew that Burke was involved with Cristina Yang, Meredith's friend. They'd already gained a reputation as the cardio twins. Both of them loved cardio and fought viciously for the surgeries. Nine times out of ten, Meredith and Yang were in on the cardio surgeries.

"Do what?" Derek exhaled hard as he pulled the blankets further up on his chest.

"How do you work with your wife?"

"Considering that I'm in therapy with her now? I'm not the person to talk to, Burke. Call Sloan. He has a good solid relationship with Addison."

"His wife isn't an intern."

Hearing Burke's words, Derek stood up. "My advice? Don't screw up. Don't be an ass. Don't be an attending at home. You're the husband at home and here…when you're not in the O.R., you're still the husband. 90% of the time, you're the husband and you are lower on the food chain. For the rest of your life, she will be in charge. Yang is gonna eat you for breakfast like she does patients."

Burke grinned as he looked up at the ceiling, "That's your experience?"

"Don't screw up," Derek repeated before opening the door to the on-call room. "That's my advice because God knows how much I've screwed up."

"You're trying to fix it," Burke called. "Give yourself credit."

"Thanks," Derek said before closing the door behind him.

* * *

**Hello peeps! You made it! We have some business to discuss. ARE THESE CHAPTERS TOO LONG? I feel like I'm getting a lot of reviews that aren't quite...people are missing some points that are discussed in the chapter and I just want to know if I need to make the chapters smaller. PLEASE LET ME KNOW!**

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**Responses to Reviews: **

**Zoe: Hello Zoe! It's nice to hear from you again. People don't really change overnight and it takes time to correct behaviors that we do. It takes 20 days to break a habit and it takes a long time to recognize things that we do. I think that Derek is trying to change, but he's having a hard. He has the first step down. He admits that he's wrong. He wants to change, but he's just having a hard time following through. Meredith isn't innocent either. She's lied to him about how she feels. She's hid many things from him and hasn't been forthcoming with him as we'll find out in later. Marriage is about equal parts as Derek points out. THEY ARE BOTH AT FAULT what has happened. As for sex, have you ever been in a failing relationship? Sometimes some people feel like sex is the only tool that they have left once communication breaks down. Derek felt at one point that all he had left was sex to convince her to stay. He was desperate. This story isn't about Derek being a jerk. This is about REAL problems that REAL PEOPLE go through. REAL PEOPLE FACE ISSUES LIKE THESE EVERYDAY. That was the goal of this story. To portray Meredith and Derek in a real life situation that wasn't fluffy. This isn't fluffy. Marriage is hard and so many stories on here make it sound so easy. They make it out that Meredith and Derek don't have problems. In this story, the both have problems. They both have flaws and they are trying to work through those problems. Nothing is going to be perfect. They aren't perfect people. Thank you for the review!**

**Baseballbabe19: Thank you for the review! Glad that you enjoyed the chapter! **

**LOURDI: Thanks for the review! I think a big part of walking away for Derek was his way of avoiding saying anything that could come out wrong. He even says it later that he walked away for a reason. Glad that you got to breathe a sigh of relief! You didn't really think we would go down that path, did you? **

**Dempeolove17: Thank you for the review! Yes, I know that the pace is a little sluggish, but we had mountains to cross and now, things will begin to pick up. I'm glad that you love the story! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!:) **

**Chicagonp2012: Thank you for the review! BREAKTHROUGH! They're sticking together and working on it. Hopefully this gave some rainbow and butterfly feelings:) Glad you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:) **

**Patsy: Yes! Tom is gay! You didn't think that we were really going to go down that path, did you? Glad you enjoyed the chapter! More is on the way! Thank you for the review! **

**Ellen: Thank you for the review! Hope this clenched your curiosity! More is on the way!:) Glad you enjoyed!**

**Julie: Thank you for the review! There is a solid split almost of people who are for Derek and against! Glad to know you're rooting for him!:) He just needs some backing and yes, Meredith is totally Darth Vader…**

**Anna: Thank you for the review! I'm glad you're loving the story! More is on the way!:) **

**Oulipo19: Thank for the review! I'm so glad that you're enjoy the story! You're right on point and some people do skim over the important parts. As for the rules, Wyatt took a saw to them and I think that we'll see some definite changes in their relationship. More is on the way! I hope that you enjoyed this one!:) **

**Japa01: Thanks for the review! Glad you liked the chapter! More is on the way!:) **

**Sandra: Thank you, Sandra! Glad you love it!**

**Izzie: Thanks for the review! Yes, Meredith has several more outbursts in the future! Glad you loved it.**

**Guest #1: Thanks for the review! I think that Derek is at the point where he doesn't know what to do. He has opened up as well as Meredith. I think that he just doesn't know what to do and they were both uncomfortable about having to go out. I think that you have to examine Meredith as well, she doesn't trust him and he doesn't trust her. She didn't tell him about the miscarriage. She hasn't spoken up to him. THEY ARE BOTH RESPONSIBLE FORWHAT HAS HAPPENED. This isn't about placing blame. This is about the break down of communication and trust in a marriage. Marriage is a partnership and it's equal. Meredith shares just as much blame as Derek. Derek might be a jerk sometimes, but Meredith chose to let him say things. She hasn't vocalized her needs until after she's left him. She goes back and forth on him and I think Derek is confused as much as she is. Let's not bash one character when no one is perfect. THIS IS ABOUT REAL RELATIONSHIPS. This isn't about fluffy things were Derek and Meredith have no problems. They have real problems. I also disagree about Derek being mean and cruel. Have you read how many times he's tried to fix the problem? The things he's said aren't mean and cruel. He's just lost and isn't sure where to turn.**

**Guest #2: Please read the above comment. **

**RunSwimBikeEdit: Thanks for the review! I'm thinking that I need to impress more upon the fact that Derek didn't leave the room because he was angry. I think I had said that he was confused and left to stop himself from making a mistake. He didn't want to make things more complicated than they already were. He just didn't say that when he should have. Things are changing. We've seen Wyatt, but please remember, things like this don't often change overnight. Derek went to Wyatt for intense therapy (3x a week) to help him change. He and Meredith have a lot of work to do to get back to where they were. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!:) **

**Guest #3: Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed the chapter! **

**Melanie: Glad you loved the chapter! Thank you for the review! SHE'S STAYING:) **

**Carolyn: Thank you for the review! I hope Derek redeemed himself a little more. He's really changed with Wyatt's help and he's showed he can be what Meredith needs. **

**Little Rae of Light: Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed the chapter! Hope you liked this one!**

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**See you soon!:)**

**_EDITED 3/23/2017_**


	8. VIII: Stand

**Author's Note: **

**I did have a PM asking if the plane crash, the shooting or Derek dying would be in this story. I can safely tell you that none of those things will be happening...I promise, Derek will live and no one is dying. Thank you to everyone who left a review! I would love to hear from everyone and know what you think it's such a motivation to post chapters quicker when people review! **

**All errors are my own:( Sorry!**

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**Chapter VIII**

"…_Cause when push comes to shove  
You taste what you're made of  
You might bend 'til you break  
Cause it's all you can take  
On your knees you look up  
Decide you've had enough  
You get mad, you get strong  
Wipe your hands, shake it off  
Then you stand, then you stand…"_

~ "Stand" – Rascal Flatts

_December 3, 2005_

"I don't know what the hell to do about it," Meredith sighed as she sat on a bench with Mark and Cristina. "I mean, he's moving in. I'm fine with it, but it's just…it's going to be weird having him around."

"Are you kidding me?" Cristina snapped back as she arched an eyebrow. "Burke arranges his books by the Dewy decimal system! Not to mention, we're house shopping. He wants a yard and a dog on nice residential street. His words, not mine."

"Get out," Mark smirked as he raised his cup of coffee to his lips. "Get out now Yang while you still have a chance. Dirty Mistresses back each other and you're a mistress now. My advice to you? Get out, now."

Meredith chuckled as Cristina smirked at Mark. He was being his normal lovable self while Addison…Meredith wasn't certain what was up with Addison. They'd gone to get a pedicure together and Addison had been off. She'd been quiet and a persistent frown had marred her beautiful face. Before Meredith could raise her coffee cup to her lips, Tom appeared in front of her. The smile that had been on Meredith's face earlier disappeared as she looked up from her coffee and up at her neighbor in surprise.

"Tom?"

"Meredith?" he asked looking dazed. "You work here?"

"What are you doing here, Tom?"

"I'm having a problem," he admitted with a blush. "Actually, it's a big problem."

"What?" Meredith asked as Tom moved his coat and stood before her. She raised eyebrow at the man as Mark let out a low whistle and Cristina cocked her head to the side. Realizing that both her friends were staring at something, Meredith looked down and her eyes went wide in shock as she saw the budge in his pants before her eyes went back to his face.

"Tom. Hi! Cristina," Cristina smirked as she held her hand out for the man to shake.

"We're all married, Yang," Mark reminded her as his eyes never left Tom's bulge. "Besides, Meredith kissed him. He's off limits."

"Cristina!" Meredith exclaimed disbelievingly. "What the hell?"

"What?" she demanded. "It's right there, looking at me!"

"Crap," Meredith sighed as she handed over her coffee to Mark. "Let's go take care of this, Yang."

"Why me?"

"Because you're the other married woman here who knows how to deal with a penis," Mark said. "Besides, someone has to run interference with the husbands and that's my job as a mistress. Welcome to the Club, Yang. You're a dirty mistress like me and Grey."

"Exactly," Meredith snapped and grabbed her wrist. "And we help each other. Now, come on!"

* * *

Meredith sat in the corner of the cafeteria alone reading an article about the possible causes priapism. It was interesting and she was so absorbed in it that she jumped when she felt a pair of hands gently grasp her shoulders. Looking up, she smiled at Derek. He was dressed in his scrubs and his ferry boat scrub cap.

"I thought you had surgery," she said as he rubbed his thumbs into the base of her neck. The pressure was so good and she nearly moaned at the feeling. Ever since their session with Wyatt and talking about sex…they'd more touchy than normal and Meredith suspected that it had to do a lot with months spent repressing natural urges they both felt.

"It got pushed," Derek explained as he let go and sat down next to her. "I was all scrubbed in and some trauma came in and I got pushed seeing as how my surgery hadn't begun. Figured I'd wander down here to see if there was anything to eat before I went back in. I get to see you though."

"I have fries and a shake," Meredith smiled as she picked up a fry. "Want one?"

Derek grinned back before he stole a fry and sat back in the chair.

"What are reading?" he asked as he nodded towards the open magazine that she had on the table.

"A new heart thing," Meredith lied as she closed the magazine. "Nothing you'd be interested in."

"You and hearts..." he teased with a smile, "I had a thought when I was scrubbing in earlier."

"Yeah?"

"You want to get dinner tonight? I know this bar down the road. It's not Joe's, but we won't have half the bar staring at us. It's private and we can talk…watch the football game…have fun…like we used to do."

"Okay," Meredith said as she leaned forward and crossed her arms on the table. "Are we going to do our thing?"

"I only got into golfing because of Mark," Derek admitted with a smile. "I won't play if I'm not playing with him. I hate the sport. You're turn."

"I have a something close to a photographic memory," Meredith told him. "I can almost remember everything I read. Apparently, my father has it and his daughters have it as well…both of them. It's a Grey family thing…I think my father's mother had it as well. I never told my mom. I was scared to. I only know about it because as a teenager, Susan Grey…she's my stepmother…she reached out to me and wanted to know about me. That's how I know."

Derek's eyes went wide, "You have a photographic memory and you didn't tell me?"

"I…It's embarrassing and it's uncomfortable, Derek," Meredith explained. "It's not a gift and it's not photographic memory. I can only remember things I read not the actual memory itself. It's like my brain takes a snapshot of the text book and remembers it. It only works that way. I can't remember things people say or do. I can only remember well what I've read."

Before Meredith could say anymore, her pager went off and it was from Cristina. Staring at it a moment, Meredith shook her head before grabbing the magazine off the table.

"I have to go," she said quickly to Derek. "I'll see you later for dinner. Page me when you're ready to go."

Not giving Derek a chance to reply, Meredith went running from the cafeteria. She passed several people who whispered about her and she barely dodged bumping into Izzie Stevens. Taking the steps, she arrived at Tom's room panting and walked in.

"Don't tell me," Meredith panted as she leaned against the while wall trying to catch her breath.

"The flag is flying once again," Cristina grinned in amusement.

"Hey, nothing I did," Tom said as he defensively put his hands up.

"Well," Bailey said as she entered the room at a waddle. "We tried everything else. It must be neural. I paged earlier for a consult."

"Neural?" Meredith exclaimed loudly as she stood up straight. Her eyes went wide with fear as she looked from Bailey to Cristina.

"She already paged for a neuro consult," Cristina grinned. "I think Shepherd is coming. He's the only neuro attending not is surgery today."

"You called neuro for a consult?" Meredith asked as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Neuro? And you didn't tell me?"

The grin never left Cristina's face as Meredith heard footsteps behind her. Meredith looked from Bailey to Cristina with demands for help, but Bailey shook her head before she waddled back out of the room.

"Well, hello everybody," Derek said cheerfully as he came to stand next to her. "My surgery got bumped and I thought I'd do the consult before I went back to surgery. What's up?"

Meredith covered her face with her hands as she let out a shaky breath. Her world was collapsing again and she was sure that dinner was off. The next ten minutes were the most uncomfortable of her life. Derek questioned Tom on everything involving his erection and Meredith prayed that the floor would open and swallow her up. Just as Derek finished up his conversation with Tom, he looked up at her.

"Can I speak with you outside?"

Meredith nodded and followed him out of the room. Cristina was enjoying her discomfort too much and Meredith was too miserable to even care. Following Derek to the deserted stairwell, Meredith walked through the doorway as he held the door open and felt her heart pounding in her chest as he stood in front of her with his hands on his hips and a look of disbelief on his face.

"Mark's been acting weird all day," Derek began in tone that barely suppressed his anger. "It has something to do with that patient. What the hell is going on, Meredith?"

"Don't be mad at me," she begged. "Mark has nothing to do with this."

"What?"

"That's the guy I kissed," Meredith murmured as she hugged herself. "He showed up this morning and I didn't know what to do. He's…I didn't tell you because I didn't think you and him would ever cross paths. I'm embarrassed that he's here, okay? I didn't know what to say! How was I supposed to tell you?"

"You could have said anything. You had the chance to tell me," Derek said quietly. "And you didn't. You could have told me at lunch."

"Please, don't be mad."

"I'm…I don't know what I am."

"Derek," Meredith sighed as his pager went off, "Please…"

He didn't say anything, but quickly walked down the steps. It was obvious that he'd been paged 9-1-1. Groaning and leaning her head back against the wall, Meredith sighed and walked away. She wanted a surgery. She just wanted to lose herself in something and forget about what the hell had just happened. Opening the door, Meredith stepped back onto the medical floor and shook her head. She didn't know what to tell Derek.

* * *

The E.R. was busy and Meredith had managed to catch a surgical case. It wasn't the cardio case she wanted, but the young man had swallowed something that was causing an intestinal blockage. The kid had seemed nice, but something was off. Meredith could tell just by looking at him. Already prepped for his surgery and waiting for transport, Meredith slipped into his room and smiled at him.

"Are you sure that you can't tell me again what you swallowed, Sean?" she asked kindly as she stood next his bed in a scrub cap and a gown as a coat. Webber had sent her to try one last time to try and figure out what the kid had swallowed before surgery. He was twitch and kept flexing his arms. Pushing the blankets back, Sean tried to get out of bed and Meredith moved to stop him. The minute Sean looked up, she knew something was wrong. In a heartbeat, he grabbed her and wrapped his hands around her neck. Meredith felt her feet leave the floor as the kid raised her up from the floor and stood. Scratching at his arms, she could hear someone yelling for a restraints and help as black dots began to appear in her vision and she gasped for air.

Without warning, Meredith felt herself propelled against a wall and all the air escaped her lungs as a fist connected with her face. The next minute she was free and lying on the ground. She watched Mark and several other male doctors restrain the man from her vantage point. The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth and her face pulsed with pain. Turning onto her back, Meredith stared up at the lights above her. Focusing on her breathing, she moved all her limbs and curled all her fingers and toes. Nothing felt like it was broken, but her body ached like hell. Rolling over again and getting to her hands and knees, she let out a hiss of pain. She felt someone helping her up to her feet and Mark looked at her with concern before he helped her out of the room.

"He was fine before," Meredith breathed as he helped her into a private exam room and closed the door. "I went back to ask him what he swallowed like Webber asked me to and he went nuts. I don't know what I did."

"You did nothing. My guess is probably that blockage in his intestines is meth and it is leaking," Mark said as he helped her up on to the exam table. "I should page, Derek."

"Derek is mad at me and knows about Tom. Plus, he's in surgery," Meredith groaned as she ripped off her surgical scrub cap. "Is my nose broke?"

"Yep," he replied with a smile. "I should page Derek because the guy hit you hard. You know how much more pissed he's gonna be if I don't let him exam you, Grey? I heard your head hit the wall when the kid punched you."

"Fix my freaking nose first!" she cried as Addison threw the door opened and walked in.

"What the hell happened?" the red head demanded angrily as she closed the door behind her. "Did that son of a bitch out there attack her?"

"The guy was out of control on something…probably meth," Mark said without preamble. "Meredith took the hit to the face and got thrown at the wall. It's good to see you too, sweetheart."

Addison kissed Mark's cheek before rushing out of the room and returning a minute later with an ice pack. Meredith applied the ice to her nose and tilted her head back. Her day had gone from bad to worse and her face ached like bitch. Tears sprung to the corners of her eyes as she closed her eyes.

"I shouldn't have lied," she groaned. "This is the universe paying me back for lying to Derek."

"You lied to Derek?" Addison exclaimed with an arched brow. "About what?"

"About Tom! He's here at the hospital for erections or something like that. I told Derek over lunch that everything was fine and Cristina paged me because the bastard got an erection again. Bailey paged for a freaking neuro consult and Derek was the consult. I've broken my noses and it's like freaking karma," Meredith cried as she took the ice pack away from her nose and stared at Addison. "Now, my whole body aches and my head hurts. My life sucks."

"I'm gonna fix her nose," Mark said as he turned to Addison. "Go figure out where the hell Derek is on his surgery. Don't cave when he demands to know what the hell happened, Addie. Don't say anything."

Addison nodded and hastily left the room as Mark pushed a piece of hair back from Meredith's face. She let out a shuddering breath as she looked up at him. Yang was in surgery at the moment and Meredith was certain that Addison, Mark, and Yang were her only friends in the entire world at the moment. No one else liked her, Izzie had made certain of that and Derek was probably mad at her for lying to him.

"At least you'll always be my friend," she smiled tearfully. "You, me and Yang…Dirty Mistresses for life, right?"

Mark smiled as he gathered his tools and a local anesthetic, "Little pinch."

"Ow!" Meredith cried as he injected the local anesthesia into her nose, "You'll be able to fix my nose, right? Please tell me you can, Mark!"

"I like your nose," he grinned at her. "I'm fixing it to be perfect. In two weeks, you won't even know that it was broke. Guaranteed, Grey! Now, lay back. You won't look screwed up like Derek."

Meredith tried to laugh, but her whole face hurt and she narrowed her eyes at him, "Jesus, I hate you. Don't freaking screw this up or make me laugh. This hurts like a bitch."

"Hey! A minute a go you loved me and said I was you're only friend! You'll keep loving me because I'm one of the best plastic surgeons in the country and I'm gonna fix your nose. Have a little faith, Grey," Mark mocked with a grin. "This is gonna be uncomfortable. I'm not going to lie to you."

"Just do it, Sloan," she groaned and closed her eyes as she laid back. "Rip the freaking band-aid off. I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today. I just knew that something bad would happen."

Mark just smiled as he leaned over her and worked. Surprisingly, Meredith barely felt him manipulating her nose back into place. She had barely opened her eyes after Mark applied the dressings when the door was thrown open and Derek walked in looking worried.

"She got roughed up," Mark explained calmly before Derek could say anything. "It happens. She broke her nose. That's all."

"If it was Addie, you'd be having a fit out in the E.R.," Derek replied as Meredith stared up at the ceiling. Derek came over her in her line of vision with a concerned look on his handsome face as he looked down at her.

"You should have paged me the moment it happened," he told Mark as he took his penlight out and flashed the light into her eyes. "Page down to Radiology and let them know that we're coming and that the CT had better be ready."

"I think you're overacting, Shepherd," Mark tried to reason. "Just a little…"

"She got punched in the face," Derek shot back as he quickly put the pen light away. "She got punched hard by the look of it! She could be bleeding into her brain and we might not even know about it. You should have paged me 9-1-1 the moment this happened, Sloan."

Mark looked at her and shrugged, "You're call, Shepherd. I'm not gonna fight you on it."

"Thanks for the help, Mark," Meredith snapped as she pushed herself up to her elbows. She felt a little dizzy as she sat up on her elbows and looked at both men. Honestly, she expected to feel off. Being thrown at the wall was probably the cause of it, but she didn't want the scan that Derek was insisting upon. She was alright and she just wanted Mark to clear her for surgery and work. There were things to do and she didn't want to fall behind.

"I'm fine," she told Derek calmly. "I just have a headache. It's nothing. Give me some Advil and let me go back to work."

Derek put up the sides of the gurney as Mark unlocked the wheels on the bed. He ignored her as a nurse opened the door and held it for them.

"I don't get a say?" Meredith demanded as the two men began to maneuver her out of the room.

"You don't," Derek told her calmly as he looked at her with worry in his eyes. "This isn't a call you get to make. You're the patient, I'm the doctor. You need a scan, Meredith. It's happening."

"I'm your wife saying that I don't want one," she shot back angrily. "Stop it. I have things to do, Derek."

"You could be bleeding into your brain, Meredith. This is serious. Mark isn't going to sign off that you can be in surgery until we know that you're okay. So, yes, I'm playing the attending card."

"I didn't hit the wall that hard!"

Derek looked at her with wide eyed confusion as they reached the elevator. Cristina stepped out of the elevator still dressed for surgery and looked at them with an arched brow. She stood next to Meredith and looked down at her with a grin.

"What'd you do?" she demanded.

"The patient threw her," Mark supplied to Derek as Cristina stared at Meredith with wide eyes. "That was after he choked her. So yeah…she probably should be checked out. Sorry, Grey…I'm on Shepherd's side this time. You probably do need a scan to check and make sure that you don't have bleeding anywhere."

Looking over her shoulder, Meredith shot the plastics god a dirty look before looking back at Derek.

"He choked you and threw you against a wall?" Derek said disbelievingly as he stared back at her. "CT, Meredith."

"I'm fine," she shot back even though she was still feeling extremely dizzy. If she stood, Meredith was certain that she'd faint from the pain she was feeling in her head and body.

"You're getting an M.R.I.," Derek said firmly. "Head, neck and spine. This isn't an issue up for discussion. I'm sorry. Call me a jackass, control freak…whatever makes you feel better, but I'm the concern husband and doctor right now. I'm not going to wake up to you dead tomorrow morning because you bled into your brain when we could have prevented it by a simple twenty minute scan. We're checking to make sure you're alright. I'm serious, Meredith. We need to make sure that you're alright. I'm doing this not to piss you off or make you uncomfortable. I'm doing this because I love you and you need this scan."

"Fine, but I want morphine!" Meredith demanded as she narrowed her eyes at him. "My whole freaking body hurts and you want me to lay on that… hard thing. It's like a laying on a rock! I want morphine. Sedate me or something because I'm not lying there awake for this. We're talking about this later!"

"You can't win," Cristina said as she patted her arm in sympathy. "Husbands…it's like we're in the fifties again with a shotgun being held to our heads."

"Thank you!" Meredith exclaimed as Cristina walked away with a grin on her face.

* * *

Meredith rested her head back against the headrest in Derek's BMW. Whatever he'd given her at the hospital before the scan was good shit. It wasn't morphine…it was better. They'd started an I.V. to give her the drugs intravenously and they'd hit her hard. She'd lost track of time in the M.R.I., but she hadn't felt any pain or discomfort. Derek had been meticulous about checking everything to make sure that she was okay. There was no bleeding evident on the scan, but Derek was staying over at the house just to be sure that he hadn't missed anything. He wanted to be there in case she started having seizures or needed to be taken back to the hospital and while they'd agreed before that he would move in, he hadn't really done so officially. It had only been two days and he was still packing his things and Meredith was still trying to get used the idea that Derek would be living with her again. They had planned to move him in over the weekend when they both had a few hours off and she needed every moment alone she could spare to come to terms with the idea of him being around.

"We should talk," Meredith said as her head rolled to the side and she looked at him as he pulled into her driveway. The medication that he'd given her made her slightly sick whenever she moved, but it was a damn good drug. It numbed the pain and made her feel sleepy.

"You're high, Meredith," he said as he shut off the engine.

"I'm buzzed," she told him with a silly smile. "And tomorrow…I'm gonna feel like I was hit by a truck. So, let's have that talk now and it will go so much smoother than if we have it tomorrow. I don't like fighting with you."

"You won't feel that badly tomorrow. Mark prescribed you vicodin if you need it for the pain tomorrow."

He flashed the bottle in his pocket to her before he opened up his car door and got out. She watched him jog around the car and open the passenger side door. Helping her to stand, Meredith leaned into him and held up the keys to her house.

"I should key you."

"Key me?" Derek asked with a raised brow as he closed her door.

"You know…give you keys," she said with a wave of her hand. "You should have seen the day that Burke keyed Cristina…she was pissed. It was barely five in the morning and she hadn't had coffee. You have to have coffee before getting keyed. It's a must."

"Oh, Meredith," Derek chuckled as he wrapped an arm around her waist. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you. You're cute when you're drugged up."

"You can start by not being mad at me for Tom," she exclaimed as Derek helped her up the pathway and through the front door. "I didn't mean not to tell you about him. It was mortifying. The guy you drunken kiss and then cry all over shows up with an erection that won't go away and needs help…you know. I mean, Cristina and I had to evacuate the blood from his penis and she had to give him an enema! How uncomfortable is that!"

Derek closed the door behind him as Meredith moved to the living room and collapsed on the couch. Putting her feet up, she smiled at him and patted the couch cushion next to her. He looked at her a moment before he tossed her keys in the pick dish by the door and took off his coat. Derek sat down beside her and she rested her head back against the couch cushion.

"You wanted to talk," she told him as he ran his hand through his hair.

"You're not going to remember any of this," Derek sighed before leaning back and resting his head next to hers. "I'm just happy you're alright. No bleeds or hematomas."

"This is the universe getting back at me for lying to you," Meredith whispered as she turned her head and looked at him. "I'm gonna still feel weird and awkward about seeing Tom's penis tomorrow if that makes you feel any better. I'm trying to get better at this whole not hiding things, Derek. I'm not perfect and I'm going to screw up. I screwed up. I should have told you the moment you showed up at lunch and I didn't. I'm sorry. The next time a guy that I've drunken kissed shows up with an erection that won't go away…I promise to tell you. Hell, I'll page you if that makes you feel better."

Derek cracked the first smile that she'd seen in hours as he looked over at her. "How many guys have you drunkenly kissed?"

"I've lost count," Meredith admitted. "I had a lot of sex and tequila in high school. I'm a whore, a very dirty whore."

"You're not a whore, but I do need to worry about other guys showing up at the hospital?" Derek teased as he put an arm around her shoulders. Meredith shook her head vigorously for only a moment before she stopped. The motion made her slightly ill and she didn't want to puke all over her couch and Derek. She waited until her stomach stopped rolling before she spoke up again.

"No, you're the only guy I want. I'm just not having sex with you while I have a nose bandage on. That's not happening until my face is completely healed," she announced as she got to her feet. "Now, take me upstairs. I want a bubble bath and no, you can't join me. I know that was going to be your next question."

Derek laughed out loud as she mounted the stairs. Meredith smiled as she felt the familiar feeling of his hand on her back as she took the stairs one at a time. The medication made her feel dizzy, but it brought Derek closer to her and that was all that mattered.

* * *

_Two Days Later…_

_December 5, 2005 _

"Five?" Meredith said as she stood in the elevator with Derek. They had both gotten out of surgery and had agreed to get lunch together before their next surgeries.

"Quints?" she said again. "The woman is having quints?"

"My whole department is at Addison's disposal," Derek replied as he crossed his arms over his chest. "It's unbelievable."

"Addison assigned all of Bailey's interns to the quints," Meredith told him. "I'm on quints duty until further notice. I understand your pain. Dorie Russell is insane. Five babies?"

"I know," he groaned. "It's not like I don't have a department to run or anything. Are you missing surgeries for this?"

"Yes," Meredith grumbled as she stepped off the elevator with him. "My life sucks. This sucks. Our lives suck."

Stepping into the cafeteria, Meredith and Derek quickly grabbed lunch before finding a secluded table at the back of the cafeteria away from prying eyes. It was no secret among the interns that Meredith and Cristina were persona non grata. Izzie Stevens had begun a campaign to besmirch them both and for the most part, Meredith ignored it…or tried to. She and Cristina were like a car accident that everyone slowed down to stare at it. Having another person to lean on for support…someone who was going through the same thing…it had brought them closer. They had spent many countless hours in the skills lab together bonding over their love of cardio. Practicing and learning was all that Meredith had left as being an intern.

"We should talk about Tom," Derek said calmly before taking a bite of his salad.

"I apologized for not telling when I was high on whatever you gave me," Meredith sighed as she stared down at her food. "What's there to talk about?"

"I thought you might want to know that he had a tumor in his lower back. It was pressing on the nerve and causing him…problems."

"And you fixed it?"

"Yes, he'll be just fine," Derek nodded as he stabbed his salad with his fork.

"That was humiliating," Meredith told him as she dropped her silverware. "It was uncomfortable and I was hoping that you two never met. Thank you for not pummeling him in the bed."

Derek leaned back in his chair and brought his coffee to his lips, "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Meredith. He's the patient, you're the doctor."

"It didn't feel that way," she told him. "Jesus, he asked me to call his partner and his mother! Mark said not to make it personal…but I had no intention of ever seeing that man again. Now, I've seen his penis and I can't get the image out of my head. I should have just told you at lunch. I could have made it easier on myself."

"I understand why you didn't tell me, Meredith," Derek admitted. "I thought about it and I get it. I would probably feel the same way. I just wanted to let you know that he's going to be okay."

Meredith's head jerked up and she looked at him in astonishment, "You're not…mad at me?"

"I admit, I was a little disappointed, but I understand your reasons for not wanting me to know. I would have probably done the same thing."

"I still hid something from you."

"I'm more concerned about you getting tossed around in the E.R. like a rag doll," Derek murmured gently. "Are you sure that your back didn't hurt in surgery earlier?"

Meredith smiled at him as she shook her head. Derek had gotten her in on his surgery and had made sure that there had been a stool available if she'd needed to still down. Admittedly, Meredith's whole body had ached. Everything had hurt from her nose to her toes, but she hadn't sat down. The stool had been a sweet gesture, but she didn't want to show weakness. Izzie and her gang of people were looking for any signs of weakness and Meredith refused to show any.

"I'm fine, Derek. Don't worry."

"I'm supposed to worry," he said as he leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. "I still think that you should press assault charges. He attacked you, Meredith. You didn't do anything to provoke him. I saw the incident report from Richard."

"The kid was high, Derek," she sighed. "He didn't know what he was doing."

"What he didn't wasn't okay. He could have seriously hurt you, Meri. You're lucky that you didn't have any bleeding or anything," he told her with a slight frown. "I'm serious."

"Yeah, speaking of bleeding…" Meredith trailed off as she put her sandwich down.

"If you're looking for me to say something different about the M.R.I., I'm not." Derek replied firmly. "I still stand by that decision and you can be as angry about it as you want."

"I was going to say thank you," Meredith said with a shrug. "If you want me to be angry about it…I can be angry about it."

Derek's pager went off and he looked down at it, "I don't want you to be angry with me."

He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. Meredith smiled at him as he hurried away. They hadn't talked about Wyatt's thoughts on them having sex, but if Meredith was honest…she missed his touch and his kisses. They kissed each other on the cheeks…it just didn't fulfill the desire that Meredith felt growing inside her.

She wanted him.

She just didn't know if he was ready like she was.

* * *

_December 6, 2005_

"I heard the most interesting rumor this morning," Meredith said as she walked next to Derek across the catwalk. She followed him up the step and to the NICU where Dorie Russell's quints were being kept. Meredith still thought the woman was crazy, but not as crazy as Izzie, who defended Mrs. Russell against everyone. Even Addison was beginning to become annoyed at Izzie's guard dog antics. Standing at the NICU nurse's station, Meredith put her hands on her hips and watched him with a grin.

"You're moving in tomorrow," she smiled.

"I am," Derek grinned back as he looked up at her from the chart. "Does this have anything to do with the rumor that you heard this morning?"

Meredith shrugged as he walked around the nurse's station and picked up the phone, "I heard that you're giving up your trailer for me. Are you giving up the trailer?"

"What?" Derek asked as he put the receiver down and stared up at her. "I'm not giving up the trailer. Who said I was giving up the trailer? Did Addison say that or Mark?"

"That's the rumor I heard this morning," Meredith grinned at him. "So, are you? I still think that the trailer in the summer can be a little romantic. We should keep it. You know…for those hot days…"

Derek just smiled at her for a moment before they both heard the alarms going off. Something had happened to one of the quints and Meredith rushed into the room with Derek behind her. She stood next to Izzie and looked at the blonde woman expectantly waiting to hear what had happened. Izzie looked scared and nervous and Meredith wanted to whack her upside the head. Bailey had told them to research common problems that pre-term babies faced. Meredith and Cristina had practiced several scenarios in the skills lab to be prepared, but it didn't surprise her that Izzie hadn't. She was too busy chasing after Alex.

"I don't know what happened," Izzie said quickly as Meredith took her stethoscope off and listened to Charlotte's chest.

"Right lung collapse," she told Derek calmly. "No sound."

"Should I page, Doctor Sloan?" Izzie asked worriedly. "What should I do?"

Derek and Meredith both ignored her as they worked. Meredith quickly moved the side of the incubator down as Derek retrieved a needle. He held it for a moment before Meredith took it and began doing what she'd practiced before with Cristina in the skills lab.

"Stick this between her—"

"Second and third rib," Meredith interrupted him with a smile. "Not too deep. I'll hear a whoosh of air."

Derek nodded and she told Izzie to move, but Izzie refused to move and acted like she hadn't heard her. Meredith bumped her hip against Izzie's to try and move her. The blonde doctor was frozen like ice to where she stood and it was annoying to Meredith. Didn't Izzie know that this was common among preterm babies?

"Move, Stevens! Let her work!" Derek said sharply. Izzie was forced out her daze and jumped away from Charlotte. Meredith quickly inserted the needle and heard the whoosh of air. She nodded at Derek as the baby's vitals stabilized. Derek took his own stethoscope and listened to the baby's lungs for a moment before nodding at her.

"I'm not giving up the trailer," he told her with a smile as he looked at her over the incubator.

"Good," Meredith smiled back. "I would have been pissed if you had."

Derek nodded and they both became serious again as they looked down at the girl.

"We should put a tube in her chest," Meredith told him. "It will help to stabilize her lung."

"I'll page Addison," Derek said. "See what she wants to do, but she'll probably have us do that."

Meredith nodded as he walked away and turned to look at Izzie.

"You and your McDreamy," she scoffed before walking away. Meredith didn't feel hurt like she had in the past. It wasn't her fault that Izzie hadn't known what to do. She hadn't done anything to make Izzie look silly. Izzie had done that all by herself. Meredith wouldn't apologize for being good. Cristina had taught her that. She couldn't apologize for marrying Derek and she couldn't apologize for working her ass off. Izzie walked out of the NICU and Meredith shook her head.

She refused to apologize for anything.

* * *

_December 7, 2005 _

Moving Derek had only taken a few hours out of their Saturday night. Meredith collapsed down on the guest bed in the room next to her room and stared at the spinning fan above her. One of Dorie Russell's daughters wasn't going to make it. She'd heard about the Norwood from Addison earlier in the afternoon and knew that there wasn't any hope for the baby. She didn't look up from the spinning fan when Derek lay down next to her. Moving him in had been a quiet, efficient affair. Something had happened to his patient earlier in the day and she'd heard about it from the gossip.

"I'm sorry about Mr. Martin," she whispered to him as she finally turned and looked at him. "I heard as I was leaving the hospital. Will he be okay?"

"No," Derek said reluctantly. "He's going to die and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't really want to talk about. I heard about Mrs. Russell's daughter."

"Her aorta is too small. She'll never make it. I feel bad," Meredith admitted softly. "Izzie is supposed to keep the baby alive all night…"

"Addison is trying to teach Stevens a lesson."

"It's a painful lesson."

"It's a lesson that she hasn't learned," Derek amended tiredly. "Stevens gets attached to people that she doesn't know. She cares too much and she is going to make a mistake if she isn't careful. It's unprofessional, Meredith."

She nodded and looked up at the ceiling again. The day had been exhausting and she didn't know what exactly to say. Having Derek back in the house…it was going to be an adjustment for both of them. She had grown used to having her own space and not having to worry about someone else being around. It was also going to awkward considering that Wyatt thought that they should be having sex as well. Meredith shifted next to him and tried to imagine what it would be like to be with Derek again. All her mind could conjure up was the first time she'd ever had sex and the awkward and uncomfortable affair that had been.

"We should talk about the sex thing," Meredith mumbled to him.

"Mmm," Derek said sleepily. "What about it?"

"Wyatt thinks we should have sex."

"Meredith, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm exhausted. Sex is the last thing on my mind, right now."

"But do you…" Meredith said as she rolled to her side and propped her head up on her hand. "I mean…you do want to…you do want to have…you know…"

Derek turned onto his side and faced her with his eyes still closed, "All the time…even now."

"Oh, thank god," Meredith exclaimed loudly as she fell onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. "At least that feeling is mutual. This isn't gonna feel like losing my virginity again, is it? The clumsy-don't-know-what-the-hell-were-doing thing…"

She heard Derek chuckle next to her as he sat up and swung his legs over the side, "I'm too exhausted for this conversation. Not tonight. We'd probably both fall asleep in the throes of passion. I'm going to bed. My things can be unpacked later. The boxes are here at least. You're coming to bed?"

"Yeah," Meredith said as she sat up. "I'm just gonna take a shower first. Go to sleep, you're tired."

Derek nodded and walked away.

Having him back in her life wasn't going to be simple, but Meredith had a wonderful feeling that it was going to be better. Her life was going to better for having him in it.

* * *

_Three Days Later…_

_December 10, 2005 _

Meredith rubbed her temples and resisted the urge to hit the Christmas tree next to her at the nurse's station. The day had been long and she hadn't slept. She's been in surgery all morning with Webber and Bailey. It had been great, but outside the OR all the holiday cheer was getting to her and she was annoyed. She sick to death of Christmas and just wanted it to be over with. A hand came to rest on her back and Meredith's eyes flashed open. Derek stood next to her with a concerned look on his face. She was still dressed in a scrub cap and had a gown on as coat.

"You didn't come home last night," he said quietly.

"I just crashed in an on-call room." Meredith admitted tiredly, "I…I probably would have fallen asleep behind the wheel, Derek. What's up?"

"Call next time," he told her as he leaned against the nurse's station. "I'll come get you."

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes, I do. I want to."

"Did you talk to all the nieces?" Meredith asked as she changed topics. "Wish them Merry Christmas from us?"

A small smile came to his face at the mention of their nieces. Derek was the beloved uncle of so many little girls. It made Meredith smile just thinking about him with the girls. He wore the tiara and played tea so well that it always made her laugh. He loved his nieces to death and she knew that he sometimes felt left out because they didn't have kids yet. He'd never pressured her, but she knew he'd be a good father someday. He would have been a good father even now if they'd had their first child…

"I did," Derek confirmed. "They say I'm supposed to kiss Aunt Meri for them. Each of them said that."

"So, we'll be busy later?" Meredith teased with a grin. "Is that what you're saying?"

"Something like that," he smiled before his expression turned serious. "I, uh, have a case. I didn't know if you wanted in on it. I understand if you don't."

Meredith felt her shoulders tense. She could still remember their conversation from the day before with Wyatt. They hadn't addressed the sex issue again. Instead, they'd focused on talking about work. What they both needed from each other in order to focus and save the lives that they had to…

_She sat next to Derek on Wyatt's couch and shook her head, "I just don't think that us working side by side is a good idea. I know that I have to put a certain amount of set hours in neuro, but I just don't think it's a good idea to spend any more time there than absolutely needed. I live with you now too in case you've forgotten."_

"_I agree," Derek said reluctantly as he looked at her. "I know that cardio is your passion now. Would you have liked neuro more if…"_

"_Neuro has always been your thing, Derek." Meredith murmured. "You find it fascinating and exciting and I…I just don't find it all that interesting anymore and frankly, it's always been confusing to me. Being in an OR with you still makes me anxious sometimes. I'm sorry, but I don't love neuro like you do. I like neuro because you like neuro. Just like I listen to the music you like because you like it. Please, don't be mad."_

_Derek smiled at her as he let his elbow rest on the arm of the couch and let his index finger rest on his temple, "I'm not mad. I understand and I know. You and Yang are the cardio twins. I just don't want you to feel like you can never work with me. We can work side by side and be professional. We have to, Meredith."_

"_I'm not saying that we can't. I'm simply saying that right now, at this stage in our relationship…it is simply better if I just limit the time to the minimum hours required. It's not a bad reflection on you. Don't think that, Derek. Just…working side by side right now is too much for me," Meredith sighed as she twisted her wedding rings…_

He looked at her with a neutral expression and she bit her bottom lip.

"If you don't want to…Meredith, you don't have to," he told her. "I'm not going to force you into doing something you don't want to. I just know that I have a six hour surgery and with that time, you'd finish your neuro hours. It's just a thought. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"I have nothing cardio," Meredith admitted with a shake of her head. "Yang took the transplant and Bailey believes that she and I spend too much time together. So…I have a general surgery thing, but I can pass it off. I'll scrub in…just don't stand there and quiz me about anything. I just want to observe. Okay, Derek? That's the only way I'm going into your OR."

"Okay," Derek agreed with a smile as he handed her the chart. "You'll be with Stevens for the pre-op stuff."

Meredith scoffed at him and yanked the chart towards her. "Stevens? Really? Are you trying to kill the patient?"

"Bailey assigned her," he said with a shrug. "Why do you think I came for you?"

"Whatever you say, McDreamy…"

Meredith opened the chart and began looking at it. She held up the scans that Derek had brought with him and frowned. The scan didn't look good.

"The chart said this guy fell on his head while putting up Christmas lights," she said to him. "He's got a subdural hematoma. This is a risky surgery. It's in the area that controls motor function and speech. That's if he doesn't have any other bleeders. So, I'm being surrounded by idiots today."

"And you say you hate neuro," Derek grinned at her. "You're good at it."

"I, unlike Stevens, can read a scan. It doesn't make me good. I still don't care for it," Meredith replied as she handed the scans back to him. "I'll scrub in."

"Hey, be nice to Shepherd, Grey," Mark called. "Don't hurt his feelings. I heard the idiot comment."

Looking up, Meredith grinned at Sloan, "Aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping with Addison? I swore I saw catalogs earlier."

Sloan grimaced, "Don't remind me. She still won't let me drink."

"She still won't talk to me," Meredith said as she rested her arms on the nurse's station. "What's going on with her?"

"The hell if I know," Mark replied as he grabbed the chart he needed. "I leave the figure of stuff out to you women. It's better for me if I just act like an idiot. I don't get as much shit thrown at me that way."

Derek chuckled as Mark walked off and Meredith turned to him. "I will punch Stevens in the face if she does anything that pisses me off. I can't believe you want me to work with her, Derek. She hates me."

"It won't be bad," he called after her as she walked away with the chart. "It's Christmas and you're in a forgiving spirit. Stevens will be kind."

"Keep telling yourself that," Meredith called back over her shoulder. Ignoring her husband, she quickly located the patient, Tim Epstein, in his room. His children were creating chaos and the noise was almost overwhelming as it hit her. She was quickly growing to regret not fighting Bailey to join Cristina on the heart transplant surgery as she plastered a smile on her face and entered the room.

"Hi, Mr. Epstein," Meredith spoke as she stood at the end of the man's bed. "I'm Doctor Grey-Shepherd. I'll be scrubbing in with Doctor Shepherd for your surgery. I just came to go over the pre-op things with you."

"We already had Doctor Stevens come in and explained all the pre-op information to us. She went to go get test results. Please, call me Tim," the man replied as Meredith shook his hand.

"We don't need an operation," the little boy spoke up loudly. "You can go away."

"Oh, I think we do, Jake," Tim said with smile. "Daddy needs the operation."

"You know what, Jake," Mrs. Epstein laughed as she crouched down next to her son. "We have two doctors named Shepherd. Is that a sign from God or what?"

Meredith looked at the children as they stared her down. It was as if silently warning her not to do any damage to their father. A throat cleared behind them and Meredith swung around to see Izzie standing in the door way looking mildly pissed.

"Excuse me," Meredith smiled at them. "It was a pleasure to meet you all."

Izzie closed the door after her as she stepped out into the hallway and the pissed expression on her face morphed to one of pure anger.

"What the hell are you doing with my patient?" she spat. "You're not supposed to be here."

"Doctor Shepherd asked me to scrub in with him," Meredith replied calmly. "How do the labs look?"

"He's fine," Izzie spat again.

"He's not fine," Meredith snapped back. "The man fell on his head and has a subdural hematoma. He's anything, but fine."

"I can do the pre-op work on my own. Shepherd can favor you all he wants, but I refuse to work with a whore like you. I can see right through you. You're only using him to further your career," Izzie hissed angrily. "It's disgusting."

"Fine," Meredith sighed as she held her hands up. "You do it. I'm not fighting you, Doctor Stevens."

Izzie yanked the chart out of Meredith's hands walked away. Going down to the surgical floor, Meredith observed a surgery for a little while until Bailey found her in the scrub room outside Derek's OR.

"I heard about Stevens," Bailey announced to her as walked into the small scrub room where Meredith was sitting on a metal stool. "What the hell was that?"

"I have no idea," Meredith grumbled as she stood and Bailey sat down where she'd been sitting. "No freaking idea, at all. She's hates me."

"She is hated by everyone. Me included," Bailey muttered. "Lord, help that child."

"I'm going to get food. I haven't eaten today."

"Grey! Get me a strawberry shake, extra thick," Bailey called and Meredith held her thumb up over her shoulder to indicate that she'd heard. She could do with a milkshake herself because God only knew the last time she'd eaten. Her stomach grumbled and reminded her that she was starving. Meredith made a mental note to check over the chart after her quick meal. Izzie had a problem with getting emotionally attached to people and missing important things. Meredith refused to let the man die because the other woman may have made a mistake.

* * *

"What a great family," Izzie said in the OR. "Hannamus…Chrismukkah. How cute are those kids?"

Derek looked up at her and Meredith shrugged before she looked back down at the monitor that was showing Derek's surgery that was being recorded. Stevens was being to become irritating and Meredith wanted to kill her. The OR was the one place that she'd found herself able to escape all the Christmas cheer from and Izzie was ruining it. Sitting on the stool and watching the computer screen, Meredith felt comfortable in Derek's OR.

"Really, Doctor Stevens? Chrismukkah?" Derek said with an edge in his voice.

"I think it's sweet," Izzie said with a happy sigh. The bubbly blonde was oblivious to Derek's annoyed tone and Meredith felt herself tense at the tone of his voice as several bad memories came back to her. Staring at the screen, she blocked out Derek's voice and the memories. She was okay with him. She was just observing and he wasn't talking with her. He was reprimanding Stevens and it almost made her smile. Someone needed to knock the blonde down a few pegs.

Meredith listened for hours as Derek quizzed Izzie over the surgery he was performing. Many of the questions were simple, but Izzie missed quite a few answers. Meredith refrained herself from saying anything. Derek had practically given her a front row seat to his surgery and she watched as his skillful hands moved. The surgery was extensive and time consuming, but he kept going. She could tell that he was getting frustrated with Izzie, but Meredith still kept her mouth shut. The difference between her and Izzie was that Meredith could answer the questions he was asking. She could answer the more advanced questions that Derek should have been questioning Izzie on as well. Meredith could answer the question that most third year residents could answer. Nearing the end of the surgery, Meredith was surprised when Derek opted not to close. He instead let a resident do it. Following him out to the scrub room, she leaned against the wall as Derek looked up and out at the OR.

"I have no idea how the hell she's going to make it past this year," Derek murmured to her. "You could have answered all those questions right and you've spent far less time in neuro than she has."

Meredith didn't say anything as she scrubbed out beside him. Before Izzie could run into them, they both finished scrubbing out and Derek held open the door.

"Did you eat yet?" he asked as they used surgical gowns as coats and left their scrub caps on.

"I got a milkshake earlier, but I didn't get to finish it," Meredith told him with a frown. "I want another one."

"Let's go," Derek said tiredly. "I think I might need a shake to recover from Stevens. Maybe she won't come back and be so…happy. How the hell is she an intern next to you and Yang?"

"No idea," Meredith said honestly as she walked towards the elevators. Her body was hungry and she was exhausted, but the thrill of seeing a heart soon forced those feelings back.

* * *

"We should put up a tree like we used to back in New York," Meredith commented as she sipped on her second vanilla milk shake of the day as she walked beside Derek. Mr. Epstein had woken up with a huge personality change and it was possible that the man had a bleed in his frontal lobe. It was also possible that the man might have needed more surgery. Considering that she hadn't got to finish her first milkshake, Meredith popped off the cap of her second and began drinking the thick, white shake.

She had another surgery to be in with Cristina and Burke in the next half hour. She had no time to sip on the damn thing and enjoy it. She was hungry, but she had things to do. They looked like a matching pair; Derek dressed in his scrub cap while she wore her light blue one. They both wore a gown as a coat as she sipped on her milk shake and him on his fruit smoothie. Meredith almost wanted to say they looked cute together and it made her want to gag on her own happiness.

"Yeah? A wreath on the front door, as well? I don't even know where those two things are packed away at," Derek grinned next to her as he held open the stairwell door for her.

"In a box labeled 'Christmas Décor'," Meredith said dryly as she took a step down the stairs. "It shouldn't be too hard to find at the storage unit. What do you think about Mr. Epstein?"

"Hopefully, Mr. Epstein's brain will heal itself," he sighed as he followed her. "It could just be from the anesthesia or he could be in pain…his personality change. With any luck, he won't need more surgery. Will you scrub in on the second one if he does?"

Meredith opened her mouth to reply to his request when she heard a different voice.

"Doctor Shepherd?"

Both Meredith and Derek turned on the steps to see Izzie leaning against the open door of the stairwell. Meredith did her best not to scoff at the sad, puppy eyed look that Izzie wore on her face as she looked up at Derek.

"I have surgery with Burke in like twenty minutes," Meredith told him. "I'll see you later. Page me about Epstein if he needs more surgery. I'll come if I can, but I think that Burke's surgery will run late."

"I will," Derek said and she left him on the steps with Izzie. Meredith quickly descended the steps to the next floor. She couldn't be around Izzie without wanting to pummel the blonde's face. Pushing open the door, Meredith walked into Cristina.

"I was just coming to look for you," Cristina commented with a grin. "Burke is giving us a chance to scrub in. Did you hear about Alex failing the boards?"

The bad day that Meredith felt like she was having evaporated at the news Cristina gave about Burke.

"I did hear about Alex. We should help him study," Meredith reasoned as she finished her shake and tossed the cup away. "He's like Dirty Uncle Sal."

"What?" Cristina said as they came to a halt in front of the surgical board. "You lost me."

"Derek has this Dirty Uncle Sal, who grabs my ass every time I hug him," Meredith explained with a grin. "He's the one who everyone is embarrassed to see at family reunions. You can't leave the man alone with teenage girls, but he gets invited to everything anyway. That's who Alex reminds me. He's Dirty Uncle Sal."

Cristina chuckled, "He's totally Dirty Uncle Sal."

* * *

Half way through Burke's surgery, Derek did page her that Epstein needed more surgery, but Meredith wasn't able to leave. Nor did she really have a desire to leave an open heart for a brain bleed. It was close to three a.m. when her surgery with Burke was finished. Meredith had scrubbed out on autopilot before she had left the scrub room to go find a bed to sleep in.

Shifting in the small on-call bed, Meredith closed her eyes as the door to the on-call room opened and closed. The lock was engaged before she heard footsteps and felt the bed shift again. The familiar scent of soap and aftershave that belonged to Derek encompassed her senses as he lay down with her.

"Mr. Epstein is in recovering and doing is good," he said drowsily. "I missed you. Stevens is annoying."

"I'm sorry. I couldn't leave my surgery," Meredith replied tiredly as she scooted into a more comfortable position. "I'm sorry. You know, in theory, I'm supposed to be at home. I'm just too tired to drive. Besides, you claim that I'm never in neruo and I logged my neuro hours in for the week today. I deserve a chance to sleep."

"So, I just have to sign off and you're done?" Derek asked as he kicked his tennis shoes off.

"Yep…that's it."

"I'll do it in the morning."

"It is the morning," she corrected him sleepily.

"Later in the morning…after breakfast and coffee…we can go get some after sleeping a few hours."

"I set the phone alarm for five."

"You don't have rounds?"

"I have the day off," Meredith mumbled as she felt his body mold to hers and a muscular arm wrapped around her slender waist. The familiar feeling of Derek's breathing was comforting and Meredith had no idea how she'd slept so long without it. Pulling the blankets up higher, she let her body relax and just as she was almost asleep, when her eyes flashed open. Turning in his arms, Meredith faced him.

"Do I get those kisses now?"

Derek didn't open his eyes, but he smiled.

"I'd give them to you, but I'm so tired…I'm not starting something I can't finish. Besides, I don't keep condoms in my wallet anymore."

"I'll forgive you this time," Meredith teased as she turned away from him. "Next time, I don't want to hear that you're too tired to kiss me or that you don't have a condom. You've already said you're too tired to have sex with me and that was a few days ago. It's close to insulting. Just don't use any those glow in the dark ones."

"Why not?" Derek demanded as his eyes flashed open. "For the record, I like those ones. Besides, they call you Darth Vader behind your back. Doesn't every Jedi need a light saber?"

Meredith burst out laughing at his joke and was nearly in tears as he tickled her for teasing him about saying no to sex. She barely caught her breath as he stopped and pulled the pillow from the bed next to them over. Derek made himself comfortable next to her and Meredith smiled. Everything felt right in her world.

* * *

**I did steal a few lines...those aren't mine. Everything else is...so...who is ready to move onto a bomb?**

* * *

**Response to Reviews: **

**Ultimatefailure17: Thank you for the review! So glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way for you to enjoy!:) **

**Baseballbabe19: Thank you for the review! I can't promise a happy Shepherd Christmas, but I can promise we'll go to Christmas. So glad that you loved the chapter and that you like the length! More is on the way!:) **

**Mariemarie22: Thanks for the review! Hope you liked this one! More is on the way!:) **

**Jenwa85: Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you're loving the story and the chapters! More is on the way!:) **

**Little Rae of Light: Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you liked the length! There will be more Cristina and Meredith as the story progresses, I have plans for them!:) I will admit, I was never a big fan of Izzie and yes, she will be getting to be the villain quite a bit here, but she won't be having cancer and she will be living on…Wyatt will be coming around quite a bit more too. I think she has many good points to make and she'll be with Derek and Meredith through this journey…even into parenthood…as for the reactions to gossip…Izzie will be causing plenty of trouble in the future and it will be…interesting to say the least. Glad you're loving the story! More is on the way:) **

**Patsy: Thank you for the review! Glad you're loving the story! We didn't quite cover Christmas yet, but we will. Wyatt will be popping up too and you're right, Derek and Meredith's age difference is quite a bit and they'll be other characters that will comment on it too in the future. I can't give too much away, but I think you'll like what's in story.**

**Guest#1: Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!:) **

**Welovemerder: So glad that you're in love! More is on the way!:) Thank you for the review!**

**Guest#2: Thank you for the review! Glad that you're loving the story! More long chapters are on the way!:) **

**Lourdi: Thanks for this review! This chapter touched on why Meredith doesn't want to be in neuro. I think that she is thinking long term and she does have a lot of anxiety about operating with Derek. I think that you'll see he does try to be sensitive to her because he does want her to learn and he thinks that she's good, but I think Meredith has already fallen in love with cardio and Cristina has been her friend. They've bonded over having attendings as husbands and they've both become victims of Izzie. It's made them stronger and I think that Derek will begin to understand that it is better for their relationship if Meredith doesn't specialize in neuro. **

**Chicagonp2012: Thanks for the review! So glad that you're enjoying the chapter! More is on the way!:)**

**Guest#3: Thank you for the review! So glad that you've been following and loving the story! I would love to hear what you think of the story! More is on the way!:) **

**Two harts: Thanks for the review! Yes! Derek and Meredith are totally communicating and they're getting better at it. Seeing Wyatt helped them and will continue to help them as for the dream house, it's coming!:) I promise:) More is on the way!:) Glad you're enjoying the story!:) **

**Kit147: Hi! Meredith told him about the circumstances surrounding the miscarriage. Derek already knew that she'd lost the baby from an earlier conversation, Meredith was just being honest with him about what had happened. Hope that cleared your question up, thank you for the review! More is on the way!:) **

**Japa01: Thanks for the review! Glad that you're loving the story! I'm happy their together too!:) **

**Zoe: Hi Zoe! I hope you had a great time in Las Vegas! Agreed! I'm already in Derek withdrawal. It's killing me that he won't be there next year…he kind of felt like the glue that held everything together!:( I'm glad that you're enjoying the story and please, always feel free to tell me what you think! I'll do my best to explain why I've written it that way or if I can drop a hint! More is on the way! Thank you for the review!:) **

**Julie: Thanks Julie for the review! Glad that you're enjoying the story because yes, we are going to be ripping band-aids off…literally and figuratively. The dream house will be coming up soon. I promise! More is on the way!:) **

**Parrij11: Thanks for the review! Glad to know that you're enjoying the story!:) More is on the way soon!**

**Fatmathewriter: Thanks for the review! I loved that conversation too! More scrub caps are coming:)**

**Sorangel: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked the chapter! I feel like Wyatt is totally a voice of wisdom for them and listens to them both. She's becoming one of my favorites!:) More is on the way:)**

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**See you soon!**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	9. IX: Talking Body

**Author's Note:**

**Thank you to everyone who left a review! I replied to everyone at the bottom. This chapter is a little shorter than usual, but chapter X is a lot longer than normal. I think that the lull of safe, happy, Meredith and Derek will be being shook up soon...**

**MATURE CONTENT AHEAD! WARNING!**

**Thanks!**

* * *

**Chapter IX**

"…_Now if we're talking body  
You've got a perfect one, so put it on me  
Swear it won't take you long  
If you love me right  
We love for life, on and on and on…"_

~ "Talking Body" – Tove Lo

_December 11, 2005_

"What's this about?" Meredith demanded as she and Cristina came to stand quietly off to the side with Burke and Derek, "We were just getting ready to begin rounds with Bailey. Can't he just send out a freaking email like a normal person if he has big news?"

It was barely eight in the morning and they'd already finished their first surgery of the day with Burke. A valve replacement surgery that had gone off without a hitch and it had left both women craving more. Being paged to the surgical waiting room for a meeting had not been in their plans for the day and they were both put off by the interruption.

"No idea," Derek said as she stood in front of him while Yang stood in front of Burke. "All we got told was to meet the chief in the East Surgical Wing Waiting Room after surgery."

"You two know anything about this?" Burke questioned and both women looked over their shoulders at their mentor. The Cardio God raised his eyebrows at them and waited with an expectant look on his face.

"We've been with you all morning," Cristina scoffed as she turned her head to look at the chief. "What makes you think we know anything?"

"You two have a knack for knowing things before others," Burke replied with a grin. "I still haven't figured out how, but you do. You two and Bailey…it's scary how you know everything."

Cristina grinned, "You really think I'm going to tell you?"

"You won't, but I'll get back at you later."

"Oh, bring it."

The chief cleared his throat and stepped up a few steps on the stairs so everyone could see him. Meredith opened the chart that she'd been carrying with her. Denny Duqeutte was there for a heart transplant and both she and Cristina had gotten in on it. Rounds the day had been awkward with Izzie flirting heavily with Denny and it had been uncomfortable watching. Meredith knew that Alex had feelings for the blonde model, but seeing Izzie ignore Alex had been hard to watch. She couldn't figure out what Alex saw in Izzie, but Meredith felt protective of the man and she knew that Yang felt the same. Cristina had already told Alex to move on, but Alex hadn't cared for the advice.

"I called all residents, interns, and attendants down here to discuss work hours. The residency review board stated that the work hour limit for all residents and interns is eighty hours a week, no longer. Too many mistakes happened this past year and exhaustion played a large role in that. We will be enforcing those rules. Attendings, it is your job also to excuse your residents when it appears that they have reached those hour limits," Webber said in a clear, calm voice.

"Oh, please," Cristina mumbled next to Meredith. "We came here for this? You and me do a hundred hours like it's not a problem."

Suppressing a grin, Meredith felt her jaw drop a moment later when Webber called out her and Yang's names.

"Grey-Shepherd, Yang, both of you can go home. You've been here all night and all of yesterday. Grey, it's supposed to be your day off and I don't know why you're here. Both of you have reached your eighty hour limit for the week. We'll see you on Monday," Webber said to them and put his hands on his hips as he stared them down. "When I say go home, I mean that you leave the hospital. You cannot observe surgeries and you cannot participate in skills lab either. Go home. Get some sleep. The rest of you, we will let you know once you hit your limit. That's all. Have a good day, everyone."

Webber walked away and Meredith turned around to look at Derek with wide eyes as the crowd began to dispense. People whispered all around them about the new rules as well as Meredith and Cristina's dismissal until Monday. Meredith ignored the whispers as she put her hands on her hips and shook her head in disbelief.

"What the hell am I supposed to do at home?" Meredith asked with a worried tone, "Seriously?"

"You're mother's things still have to be sorted through," Derek suggested kindly as he mimicked her bodies position with his hands on his hips. "I'm sure there are lots of things that you can do. You can unpack your things. Make the house feel like home to you. Read a good book. Catch up on TV…there's lots of things you can do. Take the day off, Meri. Enjoy yourself, it'll be nice."

"I'm not domestic," Meredith snapped sounding a bit hysterical. "Have I ever been domestic? The entire time you've been with me, have I ever been domestic?"

"No," he replied in a calm voice. "It's not a big deal, Meredith. It's just time off. Enjoy it."

"It's Friday, right?"

"Yes," Burke confirmed as Cristina looked just as lost as Meredith.

"That's three days of nothing to do," Meredith hissed at Derek. "I'm gonna go crazy. Literally, off the walls crazy!"

"GREY! YANG!" Webber yelled from the nurse's station. "Get going! I don't want to see you until Monday!"

"I'll call you after my surgery," Derek said as he kissed her cheek. "Get some of the Christmas stuff out to decorate the tree tonight like you wanted to. It'll be fun, I promise. We'll get dinner later. Go out, have a good time…it'll be fun."

"Quit saying everything will be fun," Meredith snapped. "This is not okay."

Derek simply grinned in amusement at her as he walked towards the elevators to go to his surgery. Burke pulled Cristina into a conference room as Meredith turned on her heel and walked towards the intern locker rooms. She had almost hoped that Derek would have invited her to observe his surgery. He was a good rule breaker, but alas, he'd failed her. Within an hour, Meredith found herself at a Macy's department store not far from their house…shopping for Christmas ornaments. She had no desire to go back to the storage unit they rented and sort through their things. It would bring up too many memories of the depressing Christmas the year before. Quickly buying several different kinds of bulbs and lights, Meredith returned home and was greeted by Cristina sitting on her front doorstep with a saucy grin on her face.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked as she unlocked the front door and let Cristina into the house. Beau looked up from the dog bed he was resting on and jumped excitedly as he raced towards Cristina. The woman caught the dog with ease and picked him up.

"Burke might have pulled some strings with Bailey for us," Cristina grinned as she held the dog. "How do you feel about a trip to Twin Falls, Idaho?"

"Idaho…to retrieve the heart for Denny Duquette?" Meredith asked as dropped her expensive canvas tote down on the kitchen counter, "That Idaho trip?"

"Yep," Yang grinned. "Burke got us seats on the jet. We just have time to kill before it leaves."

"Great," Meredith said with excitement as she held out the keys to her car. "I have shopping bags in the back seat. Can you get them?"

* * *

"You're due in like five weeks and you're flying?" Meredith questioned Bailey as they stepped onto the plane.

"You got a problem with the Grey?"

"No, I'm just surprised."

"Both of you shut up," Bailey said as she settled into her seat. "I want to sleep on this trip. So talk quietly among yourselves and leave me the hell alone."

Meredith grinned as she strapped herself in the row Cristina sat in. A seat separated them as Cristina took out a text book they'd been studying together on cardio surgeries. She had the same exact book in her bag and they'd been working on learning the procedures together since they'd first bonded over their mutual love. It also had helped to ease the social difficulties they both faced in being married to attending.

Throughout the flight, Meredith felt unfocused and missed two questions that Yang had tossed her way. Both were questions that she'd known and she kicked herself for not paying more attention. Meredith felt herself distracted by Bailey's pregnant stomach. Maybe it was because she'd lost her own child a year ago and felt taunted by fate. She couldn't help but think about that baby and wonder how exactly her life would be different if the baby had lived.

"You alright?"

Looking over at Cristina, Meredith nodded. Cristina didn't pry, but threw another hard question her way. It made Meredith grateful as she answered the question with ease and pushed any thoughts of her baby away. They had a job to do. Denny was expecting them to retrieve his heart and not be distracted by anything. She needed to focus and Bailey's pregnant body would not distract her. She refused to think about the baby she'd lost.

* * *

It was late when Derek got home. Beau was sleeping on his bed and didn't lift his head when Derek opened the front door. The house was dark and going to the kitchen, Derek flipped on the lights and stopped in his tracks seeing the kitchen table stacked high with laundry. It was obvious that Meredith had found something to do in the form of cleaning. Opening the refrigerator, Derek was shocked to find that it too had been cleaned out and new groceries were inside. Closing the doors, a note on the front caught his eye.

_D-_

_Went to Idaho with Yang to retrieve a heart for Burke's patient. Be back soon. Please, put laundry away. Love you!_

_-M._

"Surgical junkie," Derek chuckled to himself as he took out his cell phone and dialed Burke's cell phone.

"Doctor Burke," Derek greeted when the man answered on the second ring. "I have a surgical junkie for a wife and you're enabling her."

Burke chuckled and quickly explained that he'd arranged to have both women go with Bailey simply to keep them out of trouble. Derek agreed with him that left to their devices, Meredith and Cristina would have easily found trouble. It had been a strategic move on Burke's part and it had been a good move. Derek long since accepted that Meredith wasn't like other women. She was her own person and she wasn't like any other woman he'd ever been with before he'd married her. She was passionate and chased after what she wanted and she'd found a kindred spirit in Yang. The two of them were like twins that could finish each other's sentences and shared a love of surgery that went deep. Ending his brief phone call with Burke, Derek shook his head as Beau came rushing into the room wanting to be fed.

"You're mom is a total surgical junkie," he told the dog as he set a small serving of food down on the floor. "I think she learned it from me."

Going to the living room, Derek took out the fake tree that Meredith had obviously bought earlier in the day and tried to figure out where the best place to put it would be. Within ten minutes, he heard the front door open. Meredith walked into the living room and smiled at him.

"Hey!" she said as she kissed his cheek. "How was your day?"

"Good," Derek told her. "I got your note. How was Idaho?"

"Okay," Meredith shrugged. "Denny didn't get the heart. It was too damaged, but I got to go and I studied with Yang for most of the time. It was fun. You were right, I'd find something to do that was fun."

"You also did laundry."

"That wasn't fun," she grinned at him.

"And grocery shopped."

"Yes, that wasn't fun either."

"And bought Christmas decorations for the house…"

"You know what that was actually kind of fun."

"You've been busy," he grinned as he took a beer out of the refrigerator. "I told you that you'd find something to do."

Meredith shook her head at him and dropped her bag onto the coffee table and quickly helped him put the tree together. It took them an hour, but Meredith and Derek finished the Christmas tree that stood in their front window and stepped back to look at their work. Christmas had always brought mixed emotions up for both of them. She had never been into the celebration thing, but Derek had. The past few weeks had been hard on both of them. They were both tired and exhausted and it just didn't feel like Christmas without their family surrounding them.

"We have to talk about the sex thingy," she announced as the stood next to each other. "You were half asleep when we talked about it."

"I thought we agreed to have sex."

"We should just do it. Rip it off like a band-aid," Meredith said as she rubbed the back of her neck nervously with her hand.

"Then let's do it," Derek said as he looked at her with a grin. "Like a band-aid."

"Here? In the living room?"

"Where's your sense of adventure?" he whispered as he hooked his fingers in the front two belt loops of her jeans and pulled her closer to him. Meredith breath hitched as his fingers slid beneath the fabric of her sweater and touched her bare skin. Pure heat pooled between her legs as he lowered his head. The first time his lips touched hers, he was hesitant. It was as if Derek wasn't sure she wanted him to her, but she did. God, Meredith did and she quickly brought her hands up to cup his cheeks.

It was like an explosion happening between them. Meredith wasn't sure how they'd made it to the couch, but they had. His lips were warm and firm against hers and his tongue battled hers for dominance. He undid the button and zips of her pants and Meredith kicked them away as she pulled him down with her to the couch. His lips traveled away from hers and Meredith panted feeling the stubble of his jaw against her skin. The feeling alone sent shock waves through her body. Her hands explored his back as his hands slid under the soft silky fabric of her sweater.

In a heartbeat, they had both rid her of the sweater and with his lips on her neck, Derek undid the clasps on the back of her bra. It was almost painful as Derek slowly pulled the straps down her shoulders. Meredith breathed unevenly as her breasts were exposed to the night time air. She couldn't stand his lips being away from hers and she couldn't stand his state of dress.

Derek's own blue sweater was quickly tossed aside with Meredith's. She made quick work of the buttons on the dress shirt that he'd worn under the sweater to work. Feeling his bare skin under hers only excited her further and Meredith kissed him with ardor as he pushed her back into the couch cushion. His lips traveled with his hands over her ribs and to her breasts as her hands explored his body just as eagerly as he explored hers.

Meredith gasped loudly with need as his hands lightly cupped her breasts. His thumbs brushed back and forth over her nipples and she bit her lips to stop herself from moaning loudly. The heat that had been between her thighs had become a raging inferno need and she was desperate for his touch. Meredith moaned wantonly as Derek pressed himself into her. She could feel his hardness through his jeans and it was unfair that he was still clothed. Reaching between them, Meredith quickly undid the button and zipper of his jeans as he pressed his kissed against her shoulder and neck. He shifted his hips and kicked the jeans away to join her pants as well.

Derek slowly licked and kissed his way down her sternum and Meredith arched her spine up and grasped at his hair when he slowly swirled his tongue around her areola before brushing his tongue over the hardened peak of her nipple. His hand slipped between them and Meredith's toes curled when she felt his thumb brush against her clit through her panties.

"Derek," she moaned. "Oh, God…"

The pleasurable tension coiling low in her belly was nearly unbearable. Her hips began moving on their own volition needing more friction from his thumb as well as he kissed her breasts. Her fingers weaved into his hair as she was moaned beneath him in desperate need of fulfillment. She could feel her toes curling…she was so close…

He moved to her other breast and took her nipple in between his teeth and with every flick of his tongue over the tip, his thumb brushed hard against her clit. Just as Meredith was so close to falling over the edge in to abyss of blinding pleasure, the sound of a pager going off forced them apart and she groaned in frustration as Derek sat up and reached for his pager.

"I have to go," he breathed. "It's a 9-1-1."

Meredith nodded and was unable to say anything. Topless, and propped up on the couch with elbows, her lace panties soaking wet, Meredith watched Derek dress quickly and promise not to wake her up when he returned. Hearing the door close as he rushed out, Meredith threw herself down on the couch. She was sure she'd never been more sexually frustrated in her entire life.

* * *

_December 12, 2005 _

Meredith hit the button to the call the elevator. Her night had been unbearable after Derek had left. All she'd been able think about was Derek being naked with her and how close they'd been to having sex. All the doubts that she'd been having about whether or not having sex was a good idea had been tossed out the window. She hadn't realized how desperate she'd been for his touch and kisses until he'd started kissing her. The elevator doors opened and an exhausted Derek stood there with his arms crossed of his chest. He looked up at her and gave her a half hearted smile. Stepping on, Meredith moved to stand in front of him and shook her head.

"How was surgery?"

"Bad," Derek murmured as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "The kid tried to race a semi-truck off a get off ramp on the highway. I don't know if he'll ever walk again. I tried to repair the damage as best I could…we'll just have to wait to see if he wakes up. I thought you weren't allowed to come in until Monday, what are you doing here?"

"Sloan paged me," Meredith said as she held out the large coffee she'd stopped to pick up. "There was a car accident this morning and I guess he needs help with something. He just told me to get my ass here ASAP. You need this more than I do."

"Thanks," Derek mumbled as he took the coffee. "I'm going home to sleep and put the laundry away from yesterday."

"I took care of the laundry last night," Meredith murmured back. "I needed something to do after…"

"About that—" Derek started, but she interrupted him.

"I don't want to talk about it. I really don't want to think about that because you're in that stupid ferry boat scrub cap and I don't want to get in trouble for jumping you in the elevators," she said quickly.

"We could finish that tonight," he suggest with a flirty grin.

"Are we seriously scheduling when we'll have sex now?" Meredith asked him with shock in her voice. "I refuse to do that. We're not at that point yet. We're not old. We are young and fun and we have sex whenever we want."

"We've been married seven years. We're old in the eyes of the world. We're an old couple who schedule sex."

"I'm not old, Derek Shepherd," she replied sharply. "You're old."

"You're right. You're beautiful and thank you for the coffee," Derek told her before he pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "I love you."

The elevator stopped at the floor he needed and he stepped off, leaving her alone to deal with the heat pooling between her hips. A resident walked up to him and held up a scan as the doors closed.

"Damn him and that stupid scrub cap," Meredith mumbled as she was left alone.

* * *

Quickly changing into a tank top and scrubs, Meredith found Mark in the scrub room waiting to get into the surgery that he'd paged her for.

"What's up? You paged." Meredith said to him as she walked into the scrub room.

"I need you to pop a guy's hip back into place. I heard from Bailey that you're the best besides Yang," Mark grinned as he adjusted his New York Yankees scrub cap. "It'll be fun. Not as fun as heart surgery, but it'll be fun."

"Everyone keeps telling me that everything will be fun," Meredith scowled as she began to scrub in with him. "It never is."

"I'm offended," Mark mocked as he pressed his foot the floor petal to turn the water on. "I get you a surgery on your day off and instead of kissing my ass, you're cranky."

"We got interrupted."

Mark's eyes went wide and a lecherous grin covered his face, "You got cock-blocked?"

"Some stupid teenager trying to beat a semi-truck on the highway. Derek doesn't know if the kid will be able to walk again, but he got paged 9-1-1 last night and I got left topless with nothing more than my panties on. So yeah, I'm allowed to be cranky today."

"Ouch," Mark winced, "That just sounds painful…the kid trying to beat the semi-truck, I mean."

"My night was painful," Meredith snapped at the plastics god. "You don't get to feel sorry for that kid! You're a Dirty Mistress. You feel sorry for me."

"Just come pop my hip in," Mark grinned. "You'll feel better."

"That's better than saying it will be fun," she sighed.

Stepping into the OR, Meredith took off her scrub top and let Mark help her up onto the operating table to stand. She was tiny, but she could pop joints together better than any other of the residents besides Yang. Standing there, Meredith looked at the x-ray that Mark had handed her and shook her head.

"You would think people would learn to wear a seat belt," she sighed as she handed the x-ray back to him.

"So they don't interrupt you and Shepherd while you're trying to do the horizontal tango?" Mark teased as he wore a grin behind his scrub mask.

"We got interrupted!" Meredith exclaimed as she stood on the OR table, "Stop laughing, Mark! It's like the universe hates me and God, I wanted sex!"

"Do it in the on-call room or better yet, get Shepherd drunk and take advantage. He'll be indisposed until he sobers up. It'll give you plenty of time to do him."

"That's your suggestion?" Meredith asked with a raised brow. "Get him drunk? What a horrible idea!"

Mark looked up at her, "Are you gonna pop that guy's hip back into place or are we going to talk about your nonexistent sex life all day? If so, I need to call Addie and tell her that I won't be there for lunch."

Meredith scowled at him and crouched down to reach for the leg. Before she could touch the leg, Derek walked into the OR.

"Don't touch him," he yelled and startled her. "He's my patient now."

Meredith raised her hands and remained crouching. She looked over at Sloan with a raised eyebrow before turning her head and looking back at Derek with a confused expression.

"What the hell, Shepherd?" Mark said as he looked around Meredith. "The guy has burns all over his chest and arms. What are you talking about? How is he your guy?"

"Don't move, Meredith," Derek said as he pointed up to her. "The resident missed a bleed on the scan. If we move the patient, he could develop a clot and become brain dead in a matter of minutes. Stay as still as you can. Even the slightest movement could kill him."

Staying as still as she could, she stared down at the table as a craniotomy was quickly set up for and Derek put on a gown and gloves.

"You want me to crouch on this table and not move?" Meredith questioned.

"Yes." Derek said as he looked up at her.

How long is this gonna take you?" she asked him with an arched brow.

"I don't know," he said in a serious tone. "But if you need water, ask for it. Falling could kill him. Just don't move, Meredith. Whatever you do, don't move."

"Can I stand?"

"No, the shift in weight could kill him," Derek answered with an apologetic tone in his voice.

"I can work around her," Mark told them. "I need to protect his flesh before the exposure makes the burns worse."

"As long as no one moves him," Derek agreed with a nod. "No movement. No bumping the table. Nothing…"

Meredith let out a long sigh as Mark looked up at her.

"I'll have someone run and get a shake for you," he grinned. "Your reward can be that. Better yet, I have Butterfingers in my office. Maybe you'll get sex later as a treat."

"Is that supposed to make me feel good?" Meredith demanded. "How about doing something about the fact that I'm cold?"

"Get Grey a gown," Mark called over his shoulder to a nurse as Derek began his surgery. For hours, Meredith crouched on the table. Unmoving, her legs had long since begun to ache at having to stay still. She desperately wanted to take off her shoes and rub the arches of her feet, but she couldn't. And God only knew that she had to pee, but she kept silent and didn't move. Derek kept all his focus on fixing the man on the table and said nothing to her as he and a resident worked together. He was ignoring her, which Meredith didn't mind one bit considering that she was silently reviewing all the skills that she and Cristina were working on in the skills lab. Anything to take away from the burning sensation in her legs that seemed like it would never stop. Meredith tried to relax and she took a deep breath that turned into a yawn.

"Done," Derek said as her eyes flashed open. "You can move, Meredith."

"While you're here, Shepherd," Mark said as Meredith shakily stood up and looked down at the table. "Help us pop this guy's hip into place."

Derek nodded and together, the two men and Meredith popped the patient's hip into place. Meredith looked down at the floor judging if she could slide down, but her legs had long since gone numb. Without having to say anything, Derek reached up and wrapped his hands around her waist. Putting her hands on his shoulders, Meredith stepped around the patient's legs before Derek helped her to the floor. Her legs felt like jelly, but she stepped back for him. Meredith didn't stumble when he let her go after a few seconds of standing on her legs. Walking to the scrub room, she sank down onto the metal stood there and let her head rest back against the wall.

"So, Doctor Grey," Derek said with a sparkle in his eyes as he crossed his arms and leaned against the sink. "How about you take advantage of me tonight in bed?"

Meredith snorted and stood up. Going to the sink next to him, she shook her head and began to scrub out as she tried to suppress a smile.

"I hate you."

"You love me," Derek corrected with a teasing grin. "You just don't like that Mark left the microphone on and I heard the entire conversation."

Drying her hands, Meredith looked at him with smile, "Have a good day, Doctor Shepherd. I'm going to find Burke and see if he has anymore cases for the day."

* * *

Meredith sank back into the bathtub tiredly. She rested her head back on the towel that she was using for a pillow and closed her eyes. The day had been long and Derek's impromptu surgery had taken all her energy. Her whole body ached from having to crouch for hours and the water was beginning to ease the ache that she'd had all through her shift. Hearing the door open, Meredith's eyes flashed open and she looked over the edge of the tub to see Derek leaning against the doorway. He smiled at her before walking in and crouching down next to the tub.

"I thought you should know that the patient, Mr. Bryce, he'll be okay," Derek murmured to her before he pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

"That's good," Meredith murmured when he pulled away. "I'm glad he'll be okay."

"Your crouching today was not in vein."

"I feel like I'm the one who was in a car accident, not Mr. Bryce."

"Not many people I know kick ass like you do. I heard you caught a tumor in one of Burke's cases," Derek grinned. "The tumor was nearly impossible to diagnosis."

"If you want sex, all you have to is ask, but hey, flattery will get you anything you want," Meredith teased with a tired smile. "Just not tonight. Tonight…I'm too exhausted, but tomorrow…"

Derek chuckled as he kissed her temple, "Tomorrow it is. Don't fall asleep."

"We've become old!" Meredith called after him as he stood up and began undoing the buttons on his shirt. "We're scheduling sex now. It's pathetic."

His laughter echoed as he walked out of the bathroom and left the door opened. Relaxing back into her bath, Meredith propped her feet up on the other end of the tub and decided that she wasn't going to do Sloan anymore favors in the OR. Every time that she had so far, it had ended badly for her. Closing her eyes, Meredith let the warm water do its job and ease the tension in her aching muscles as he body tingled delightfully in thoughts about the next day.

* * *

_December 13, 2005 _

It was late Sunday morning when Meredith woke up beside Derek on the creaky bed they had. He was still asleep on his stomach next to her and she stared up at the ceiling. She had the day off and Richard had called to report last night that he and the nurses had come to an agreement. The strike that had been planned for the week had been called off and it was probably a good thing considering that Bailey had been put on bed rest for the next two weeks. She was due soon and it would be hard enough having a new resident. Meredith and Cristina had already come up with a plan to switch between Derek and Burke for surgeries until Bailey returned as their resident. Turning on her side, Meredith faced Derek and reached out. She brushed a stray strand of dark hair from his face and nearly winced as one of the metal coils from the mattress dug into her hip bone.

"We have to get a new mattress," Derek grumbled in his sleep as he hugged the pillow beneath him. "The beds in the on-call room are more comfortable."

"I know," Meredith sighed as she turned to lie on her stomach facing him. "We could today. I have nothing to do and I think you're free…right?"

"We can go get lunch," he mumbled without opening his eyes. "Go shopping…get it delivered for tonight."

"I like the way you think."

Derek's arm darted out and he grabbed her. Meredith nearly shrieked with laughter as he tugged her to him. His kiss silenced her and Meredith found herself smiling as he pulled away. Somehow, she'd become pinned under him and he hovered over her. His eyes with open and he was alert as he smiled down at her.

"I missed this more than anything," he admitted as he twisted a strand of her hair between his fingers. "I missed waking up next to you and falling asleep."

"Me too," Meredith whispered and the thought of never getting to have a moment like this again nearly made her cry. She didn't stop herself as she leaned up and pressed her lips to his. There was nothing that was going to stop her from having him again. Wyatt had been right about having intimacy. She did feel closer to Derek and she wasn't using sex for any other reason than she loved him. She wanted to be with him because she loved him. Their hands roamed each other's bodies and the clothing that they'd been sleeping was tossed away. She could feel his warm skin against her. His hardness pressed against her core as her legs spread with ease. He kissed along her neck and over her clavicle. His finger tips brushed over her skin as his hips ground against hers. The feeling made her breathless as she pressed her thighs to his hips and raised her own hips to meet his in a frenzy of pleasure. Their bodies' grinding against each other wasn't as good as the real act of sex, but it was so close. He knew just how to use his hips to bring her the pleasure she so desperately craved. Derek took one breast into his mouth. Swirling his tongue over her hardened nipple, Meredith gasped while arching her body towards him. Her fingernails dug into his back as her whole body trembled against the feeling of him. She could hear his own groans of pleasure vibrating through her body as the urgency between them increase.

Hands began running all over bodies and touching everywhere that they could possibly reach. She pulled his lips back to hers. Meredith could feel the heat that he was stirring inside spread everywhere. Derek blindly reached out and opened the nightstand drawer. His lips never left hers as he grabbed a condom and dropped it down onto the pillow next to them. Meredith almost demanded that he stop teasing her and screw her, but she stopped herself when his lips began descending down her body again.

"Relax," he said breathlessly against her thigh. "Good things come to those who wait."

She grinned before biting her bottom lip at the feeling of him kissing his way up her inner thigh before hovering over her hot, damp core. Meredith barely had time to catch her breath before he parted her folds with his tongue. She moaned loudly at the feeling as her knees bent and her toes curled. His tongue masterly manipulated her flesh, repeating the process over and over again until she was a writhing mess on the bed. The sheets were clenched tightly in her fists as Meredith panted, gasped and moaned at every sensation that rippled through her body. Her eyes rolled back into her head as Derek systematically reduced her body to a quivering, writhing mess on the sheets. Over and over he brought her close to edge, but satisfaction seemed just out of reach. He was teasing her and heaven above…Meredith could barely think straight let alone tell him to stop and give her what her body craved. Derek's hand joined his tongue and Meredith felt the coil low in her body beginning to give as she charged for the cliff.

A second later, she cried out in release as her vision blurred to nothing more than flashes of swirling color and light. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed harshly and gasped as spine tingling sensation that was firing through her body. Derek grinned down at her and just as he reached for the condom on the pillow next to them, his pager beeped on the nightstand.

"Damn it all to hell," Derek muttered as he reached for it.

"Don't say it," Meredith groaned. "Don't say what I think you're going to say."

"I have to go. It's a 9-1-1 page."

He quickly rose for the bed and dressed as Meredith grabbed the sheets and pulled them up around her body.

"This isn't finished," Derek told her as he leaned down and pressed a swift kiss to her lips. She could taste herself and she giggled when he pulled away.

"There are peppermint candies on the tray by the door," she told him as she pressed kisses against his neck. "Grab one on the way out."

Derek chuckled and in the next heart beat, he was gone. Falling back on the bed, Meredith let out a long sigh as she stared up at the ceiling fan going around and around in circles. They'd been so freaking close that it frustrated her to no end. Covering her eyes with her hands, Meredith groaned before she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She wanted sex. She just wanted to have freaking sex because it had been so damn long she was beginning to wonder if she'd reached born-again-virgin status.

The thought made her almost laugh because she was pretty sure the universe was working against her and it didn't want to get laid.

* * *

_December 14, 2005_

Izzie Stevens had made an error and Meredith was paying for it. She sat beside a dying old woman and was forced to watch her leave the world. An Alzheimer's patient, the old woman had been calling out for her dead husband and daughter for the past few hours and Meredith held her hand tightly. It was becoming one of the hardest things that she'd ever done and it hurt. It hurt because Meredith knew that someday, it would be her mother in the bed.

"You don't have to be here."

Turning around, Meredith saw Addison standing in the doorway and shook her head.

"No deserves to die alone," Meredith whispered. "No one deserves to die alone late in the middle on the night."

Addie nodded and sat down next to her in the chair, "Stevens should have read the damn chart."

"She didn't. She made a mistake. We all do at some point. This is her mistake. She'll learn from this and become a better doctor. I have not lost faith in that."

"Stevens makes more mistakes than any other first year that I've met," Addison sighed as she collapsed down on the chair next to Meredith. "It's been…a long day."

"Is everything alright, Addie?" Meredith asked softly as she looked over at her oldest friend with concern. Addison was the first woman that she'd ever really gotten to know. Addison was the first real friend that Meredith felt like she'd ever had in her life. She was the woman that had been her maid of honor at her wedding and Addie had been the first person that Meredith had ever felt like she could really open up to and not be judged.

"I'm pregnant," Addison blurted out as she compressed her lips and smiled. "I'm pregnant and I'm terrified as hell that I'm going to lose this baby like I lost all the other ones. I haven't told Mark yet because I'm scared shitless. "

Standing, Meredith leaned over Addison and hugged her tightly.

"We'll get through this, Addie," she whispered confidently. "One day at a time, I promise."

She felt Addison's arms go around and her and for a few minutes, Meredith held her best friend because it was what Addison needed.

"I'm so scared," Addison whispered. "I'm so scared and I feel frozen. I want to be happy, but I'm afraid that if I do…"

"For today, Addie…everything is fine. Have you told Mark?"

"No."

"You should go," Meredith murmured as she pulled back and smiled at Addison. "Go tell Mark! He's gonna be so excited."

Addison smiled tearfully, "I know. He'll treat me like a piece of glass."

"Go!"

Meredith watched one of her best friends leave the room and turned back to watch the old woman in bed. The woman had no one and it broke Meredith's heart. If it were her or Derek, they wouldn't be alone. Their family would be surrounding them. Friends, family…nephews, nieces, sisters…they would all be there. Meredith could still remember the time that she'd had her tonsils taken and it made her almost smile. She and Derek had only been married six months, but his whole family had shown up before the surgery. All his sisters, their kids, spouses…everyone had come and supported her through the operation and they'd all brought ice cream for her. It had been overwhelming, but it had made her feel loved. It had been that moment when she'd truly believed that his family was also her family.

For nearly an hour, Meredith watched the old woman struggle to breathe until finally she stopped. Standing up, Meredith announced the time of death and with help from the nurses, they all managed to finish what they needed to do in a timely fashion before the morgue came for the body. Walking down the almost deserted hallway, Meredith found herself at the intern's locker room not quite remembering how she'd gotten there. Pushing the door open, Meredith went to the showers and took off her tennis shoes. Still in her scrubs, Meredith pulled the black plastic curtain behind her and turned the water of the shower on as hot as she could stand it. Steam permeated the air as she stood under the water and she didn't care that the water nearly burned her. It felt good to have something be uncomfortable besides her heart. Under the hot water, she cried. She felt her breath hitch every time she breathed and calling down seemed almost impossible. The strain of the past year and having to take care of Ellis seemed to feeling like the weight of the world. Going every week and listening to her mother's abuses hurt more than anything she'd ever thought possible, but she did it. She did it for one reason and it was because in some twisted, sick way, Meredith loved Ellis. She cared about the woman and she'd long since accepted that Ellis wasn't capable of love. Ellis wasn't capable of caring for anyone, but herself. Meredith had stopped expecting love from Ellis a long time ago, but being around Derek's family…being around Carolyn…Meredith had seen what a real family was like and it had devastated her in some ways. It brought resents forward now that she was back around Ellis again. Seeing Derek's family, it made her hate Ellis for letting her be denied that. It left Meredith feeling robbed.

Turning the water off, Meredith stepped out from the shower stall and came face to face with Izzie Stevens. The blonde woman wore an unreadable expression on her face and Meredith picked up her tennis shoes and walked past her without saying a word. Going to her locker, Meredith quickly stripped down bare and changed into her jeans and a dry pair of panties. She was silently gratefully that she'd worn Derek's NYU t-shirt to work. It was the school where they'd both done their undergraduate degree before going on to Columbia for medical school. The shirt was loose and comfortable and it smelt like him. It was almost like he was hugging her when she wore the shirt.

"Did that woman die?"

Hearing Izzie's soft voice, Meredith paused.

"Yes," she finally said after a moment of hesitation. "She's dead."

"She was DNR, wasn't she?"

"Yes."

Meredith slipped her wet bra off from underneath it and threw it into her tote before getting rid of the wet scrubs. She slipped her feet into the black ballet flats that she'd worn to work and turned to face Izzie with a tried expression on her face.

"You should have known that she didn't want to be tubed or had any extraordinary measures taken," Meredith said calmly. "You were her doctor. I've been here all evening watching that woman die because you left and the nurses needed someone to call time of death. She's dead and you are relieved of your responsibility to her."

Izzie was immediately on the defense, "I didn't mean to interrupt your precious time with McDreamy if that's what you think."

Meredith slammed the locker shut, "It's Doctor Shepherd to you, Doctor Stevens. You didn't interrupt my time with him. He's on call tonight and probably sleeping somewhere. Why don't you try doing your job instead of worrying about what I do with my husband when I'm not here at the hospital? I promise, he and I, we're very boring people. We like to hike and we have a dog. We watch Jeopardy while we eat take out on the nights we're both home and we occasionally used to kick a soccer ball around in New York when we had nothing better to do. We're very boring, very normal people, Izzie,despite what you think otherwise. He even does the dishes and changes the laundry when I'm not around. I'm a happily married, boring person. Have a good night."

There was more that Meredith wanted to say, but she stopped herself before walking out of the locker room and leaving Izzie alone. Knowing that Derek was probably sleeping in an on-call room for the night barring no emergencies, Meredith searched through the on-call rooms until she found him getting ready to lie down to sleep a few hours. Just seeing him standing there brought the tears she'd been trying to hold back to the surface and without warning, she threw herself into his arms and hugged him tightly.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he murmured as he held her tightly, "Why are you crying?"

"I don't want my mother to die alone," Meredith whispered to him after a moment. "I don't want her to die alone. I can't let her die alone. I know that she's horrible…but I can't let her die without…"

"I know," Derek said softly as his hand smoothed back her damp hair. "I know…you don't have to tell me. I know."

"Can I just stay with you?" she asked against his chest as she took a shuddering breath. "I don't want to go home. I don't want to be alone."

"Okay."

"Okay," she whispered back as Derek helped her to lie down with him. Tucked in his arms, Meredith felt his hand rubbing her back soothingly until she fell into a fitful sleep next to him. She was woken hours later by the sound of her beeper going off and Cristina's announcement that she'd caught them a case in the E.R. while being on-call.

* * *

**So...if we make it to 200 reviews...I'll answer any questions answered and I won't be coy about it...ANY QUESTION you have...See you for a bomb soon!:) **

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**Response to Reviews:**

**Patsy: **Glad you loved the chapter! Yes, Christmas trees and sex is right around the corner. As for the bomb episode…you'll just have to wait and see…Thanks for the review!

**Iceiceiceiceice: **Thanks for the review! I'm so glad you like the story! More is on the way!:)

**Guest #1: **Thanks for the review! Glad you're liking the story! More is on the way!:)

**Williamsm98: **Thanks for the review! So glad that you're loving the story! I can't promise Shepherd sisters, but I can promise long chapters! More is on the way!

**Khi33: **It's good to hear from you for this chapter! Thanks for the review!

**Two harts: **Poor Meredith indeed, but Derek did show up:) Thanks for the review! Yes, they are getting better at being together and things are improving:)

**Guest #2: **I'm so happy that you liked the chapter! I know the show feels like it's over:( Still in shock. Thanks for the review!:)

**Japa01: **Thanks for the review! Updated! More is on the way!:) Enjoy!:)

**Lourdi: **Thanks for the review! They will be working on cases together in the future. I promise!

**Oulipo19: **How you enjoyed and your kids were easy on you going to sleep! Thanks for the review!:)

**Lorenalims: **Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you love the story! I haven't given much thought about doing a spin-off. If I do, it won't be until after this story is finished! I'm glad that you like it and Mark and Addison do have some parts in this story, but I don't know if I'll do a parallel in this story, but Mark and Addie are in this story for good.

**Ellen: **Thanks for the review! I haven't given any thought to doing a Maddison Parallel in this story. I'm glad that you like Addison in this story:) Glad you're liking the story! More is on the way!:)

**Melanie: **Thanks for the review! Glad hat you're loving the chapter…yes, Meredith and Derek will be having a very good Christmas…I promise!:)

**Julie: **Yes! The drought is ending! Thanks for the review! More is on the way!

**Chicagonp2012: **Thanks for a review! Yes, they are getting to a better place and it's exciting. More is on the way! I promise! Enjoy!

**Mcdreamyforever: **You made it! So glad you decided to read! I promise, you won't regret it! Thank you for leaving a review! More is on the way!:)

**Jennifer: **Thanks for the review! You are right, they never did get a honeymoon, but we will be addressing that later. Derek will be making up for his badness, but not in this chapter. More is on the way! Glad that you're enjoying the story!

**Carolyn: **Yes, Meredith is in store for light saber time. Thank you for the review! More is on the way about Christmas!

**Dora: **Thanks for the review! Yes, love is on the way and nope to the fertility drugs, Addison is just pregnant and scared. More is on the way! So glad that you're loving the story!

**DeniseSB: **Thanks for the review! So glad that you've found the story! I'm glad that you're enjoying the story. To address your concerns:

Derek's repentance is too perfect. Keep in mind that he was trying to win Meredith back and instead of changing himself and working on himself like Meredith wanted him to, he kept groveling. It was his belief that if he said he was sorry enough times Meredith would forgive him…which she didn't. It took him following the rules she gave him and having therapy with Wyatt to finally change her mind. I think he does recognize what he's done wrong, but he had to grow as a person first through therapy with Wyatt to really understand how he hurt Meredith. Also, the verbal 'abuse' and neglect didn't happen until the last year. Meredith even talks about how they were happy before Derek overheard Addison's conversation with his sisters. He admits to being absent at times, but they were happy in many other ways.

As for Carolyn, I think that as a mother, she knows exactly what her son is capable of. You also have to remember, she was in New York with Meredith and Derek when their marriage was beginning to fall apart. She witnessed what happened and she knew that Meredith had the miscarriage and didn't tell Derek. I think that her being in support of both of them (because she does support her son over the lunch she had with him…Carolyn does tell him what he needs to do to fix things) was meant to help them both. As for the fairytale marriage, Savvy and Weiss only thought that because Meredith and Derek chose what they revealed to people. I think it would be much realistic that Carolyn would know all about the breakdown of her son's marriage than Savvy and Weiss.

Lastly, Wyatt didn't dictate anything. She specific asks Derek and Meredith if she's allowed to tell them what she THINKS of the rules. In the TV show, Wyatt is very vocal to Meredith and even tells her that she is reckless with her life. Wyatt even tells them that others disagree with her method and opinions, but Meredith and Derek BOTH AGREE to listen to what she has to say and go with it. When it comes to sex, Wyatt even tells them that if they're not comfortable, they don't have to do it. She even tells Meredith that she doesn't have to agree. I think that Wyatt is a little out there, but I felt like she was a little out there in the TV show.

As for Izzie…Izzie is the primary spreader of the gossip involving Cristina and Meredith. I needed someone to do it and it just felt natural that it would be Izzie. Alex is Meredith friend and O'Malley has a crush on her. Izzie just felt like the natural choice, but please don't think that Izzie is always going to be incompetent. She will be in the story in other ways, such as the Denny issue. (We will be addressing that later).

Thank you for the review! I hope this helped you to understand a little bit better what I was thinking when writing. I understand that many people have issues with this story, but I did want to break the mold of the 'fairytale' MerDer stories that seem to dominate this fandom. More is on the way! Enjoy!

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**See you soon! Leave a review!**

_**EDITED 3/23/2013**_


	10. X: If I Die Young

**Author's Note: **

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! This one is A LONG CHAPTER! Grab a snack and a drink because this one is a big one...**

**That being said, see you all at the bottom. All errors are mine! Sorry! **

**Thank you again for all the reviews and support!**

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**Chapter X**

_"…If I die young, bury me in satin_  
_Lay me down on a bed of roses_  
_Sink me in the river at dawn_  
_Send me away with the words of a love song_

_The sharp knife of a short life_  
_Well, I've had just enough time…"_

"If I Die Young" – The Band Perry

_Ten Days Later…_

_December 24, 2005 _

Meredith laid their bed and stared at the ceiling. It was close to three in the morning, but she couldn't sleep. The light from the street light outside shown on their ceiling and illuminated parts of the silent room. Moving from New York City to Seattle had been a change. Living near Central Park in the busy city, there was always noise. Cabs, people, trains…there was almost always noise, but the suburbs of Seattle were entirely quiet in the early morning. Living out in the trailer…it had been so quiet that Meredith felt as if they world had melted away from them and they were just in their own isolated world. Lying there, listening to the silence wasn't the reason Meredith couldn't sleep.

No, she couldn't sleep because she had a feeling. She had a horrible feeling about the day ahead. A horrible thing was going to happen to them all. She could just feel it. Derek slept soundly beside her and Beau lay curled up at foot of the bed on a small dog bed. Meredith turned on her side to stare at the clock. She'd gone to bed at eleven when she'd gotten home from the hospital. A surgery with Webber had run far later than it should have and in her absence, Derek had left a warm dinner in the oven that had consisted of healthy food that she didn't really consider edible food. The feeling had started then and she'd barely been able to eat as she'd sat at the island counter.

After a quick shower, sleep had become impossible and for hours she'd lain away. Having had enough, Meredith quietly pushed the covers back from the bed. She slipped from the bed and paused for a moment when Derek turned over onto his stomach. He faced her, but his eyes were closed and his expression was peaceful. His lips were slightly parted and a loose strand of hair rested against his forehead. Breathing a silent sigh of relief, Meredith hastily grabbed a change of clothes from the darkened walk-in closet before slipping out of the room. The hallway was dark as she closed the door behind her before going into the bathroom and flipping the light on. Not bothering to put makeup on yet, Meredith threw her hair up into a mess bun before putting on the running leggings that she wore for comfort and a loose t-shirt. She didn't care about style. Something bad was going to happen and she wanted comfort.

Quickly going downstairs, Meredith managed to grab her keys in the dark and maneuvered herself out of the house without waking Derek or the dog. Having nothing better to do, Meredith drove back to the hospital that she'd left only hours before in silence. There were few people out and about so earlier in the morning that it made the drive seem shorter than it normally would have taken. Meredith made her way into the hospital with a comforting smile on her face. Cristina was still there, sleeping alone in an on-call room. Meredith threw the door open and flipped on the lights.

"I have a feeling," she announced to Cristina who was disgruntled from being abruptly woken up. "A really bad feeling about today…"

"God, you're worse than my husband," Cristina groaned as she sat up on her elbows. "At least he apologizes for rudely waking me. You don't give a crap, do you?"

"You're missing the point. I have a very bad feeling about today," Meredith insisted as she stood in the doorway. "I feel like I'm going to die today."

"Mere, it's freaking Christmas Eve. All this cheer is making me feel suicidal too. I bet that's what you're feeling and it has hit you like a ton of bricks from left field. That's why you're feeling like you might die. Shut the damn lights off. I want to sleep," the dark haired woman exclaimed as she lay back. "Come lie down with me. You'll feel better in a few hours after getting some sleep. Seriously, it's been a slow night and it's like a freaking blue moon."

"What are you doing here?"

Hearing Addison's familiar voice, Meredith sighed with relief as she turned around. Dressed in scrubs, Addison still looked beautiful even though she was visibly tired. The secret of Addison's pregnancy remained between them still and Meredith was growing anxious to congratulate Mark on his impending fatherhood, but Addison wouldn't let her. The red heard was understandably terrified of losing another child and insisted on waiting until she was out of her first trimester before telling Mark and anyone else.

"I have a horrible feeling," Meredith blurted out after a moment and Addison's eyes went wide as she joined Meredith in the on-call room and closed the door behind them. Leaning against the door, Addison looked tense and uneasy as Meredith twisted her wedding rings around her ring finger. Addison noticed what she was doing and reached out.

"The 9/11 kind of feeling?" the red head asked as she held Meredith's hand, "That kind of feeling or worse?"

"Worse," Meredith answered shakily as she rubbed the back of her neck with her free hand. "Much worse, Addie…much, much worse than 9/11…"

"9/11?" Cristina questioned looking mildly alert as she sat up again from the cot. "What are you talking about, Sloan?"

"The morning of 9/11, Meredith called me," Addison explained uneasily as both women remembered the awful day. "I was at the hospital and she was a freshman at Columbia Medical School. She had this horrible feeling and I chalked it up to nerves. Twenty minutes later, the first plane flew into the tower. Meredith called me the minute it happened and told me that the feeling hadn't gone away. She was huddled in the bathroom…nowhere near a TV to know what the hell had happened."

"The feeling didn't go away until after the second plane hit," Meredith murmured tiredly as she looked over her shoulder at Cristina. "It was a horrible day for everyone and that feeling is back. God, that day was such a freaking nightmare. It was just…it was indescribable. I can still remember Derek coming home and hugging him…we were all so unsure…"

"Mere, it's a feeling," Cristina reasoned rationally. "You're fine. You got through that, you'll get through this. Come lay down with me and sleep before rounds. You're gonna be fine. You're exhausted and I promise you'll feel better with sleep."

Meredith didn't look convinced as Addison's pager went off. Addison let go of her hand and reached for the small chirping black box.

"I have to go," Addie groaned as she read the message. "Get some sleep, Meredith. Maybe the feeling will go away like Yang said. You never know."

"Or we have another 9/11 coming," Meredith replied pessimistically as she sat down next to Cristina on the on-call bed. Addison didn't say anything as opened the door and walked out. The door closed and Meredith dropped her expensive canvas tote on the floor. Walking across the room and shutting the lights off, Meredith trudged back to the cot and rested next to Cristina.

"Didn't go home?" Meredith mumbled into the dark as she closed her eyes and tried to calm the anxiety that was building in her heart.

"Too tired to drive," Cristina groaned. "Preston had a late dinner with some old friend who was in town for one night for some stupid conference. He was so excited about it this morning and I didn't want to interrupt his dinner by calling and asking for a lift home. I crashed here, but I called and left a message telling him where I'd be."

"How wifely of you," Meredith teased as she closed her eyes. "Calling and leaving a message…being all considerate."

"Shut up," Cristina bit out as Meredith giggled. Both women laid there for nearly ten minutes in silence before Cristina sat up and looked down at Meredith.

"Wanna go to the skills lab?" she suggested with a smile. "Get your mind off of this thing? We have a few hours before rounds and I can practically hear you thinking. We need a distraction."

"Absolutely," Meredith agreed and they both got up and off the cot. The skills lab had become their sanctuary away from the people who gossiped about them and their marriages. Late at night, there was no one at the skills lab and they could practice the cardio procedures they wanted to learn alone without the stares and the whispers that trailed them everywhere. Already, they were far more advanced than anyone in their year and it was their source of pride. Learning was their gratification at the end of the day. They didn't want to be just good. They wanted to be great. They wanted to be gods.

* * *

"Quiet board," Burke said as he stopped in front of it and frowned.

"I know," Richard responded as he placed his hands on his hips.

"That's a bad sign."

"I know that."

"That's a quiet board," Derek observed as he tied his scrub pants and joined the two other men. Meredith had been gone when he'd woken up earlier from the alarm sounding. There had been evidence that she'd been home for a few hours, but she'd left early. He had yet to find her, but something didn't sit right with him. He had a feeling all morning and it was due in part to the way he'd found the house. Meredith wasn't a cook or cleaner, but she wasn't a messy person. She normally was extremely neat like himself and it made co-existing in the same space with her exceptionally easy at times. However, he'd found that she'd left her dishes from the night before in the sink when he'd gone down stairs to get coffee earlier in the morning. Derek had also found that her clothing had been thrown haphazardly on the floor in the bathroom when he'd gone to shower and her towel had been flung over the side of the tub as if she hadn't cared at all. None of those behaviors were something that she normally did. Meredith was tidy and usual she was the one yelling at him to move his things. He could count on one hand the number of times that she'd behaved the way she'd had earlier and it was never good. Something was troubling her and seeing a quiet board put a bad feeling in Derek's stomach. He'd seen quiet boards before and it had never ended well for anyone involved. Quiet boards were trouble.

"Quiet board," Burke answered in agreement as he nodded and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Right…he hates a quiet board," Derek murmured as Richard groaned out loud and clenched his fists.

"I can hear you talking about me," the older man snapped as Burke and Derek shared a look that said they both knew Richard would snap soon.

"We're just saying—" Burke tried, but was interrupted.

"A quiet board means trouble. A quiet board means death. A quiet board bodes bad things and stop looking at me like that," the older man snapped again as he turned around and glared at the two surgeons. Webber walked away quickly and Burke bounced on his feet before turning to Derek.

"Doctor Shepherd," Burke acknowledged as he began to walk away.

"Doctor Burke," Derek said in a questioning tone and the other man stopped. "You and I…we've known each other a while now, right?"

"Yes," Burke replied as he put his hands on his hips and looked slightly intrigued at where Derek was taking the conversation.

"You and I have done several successful surgeries together," Derek continued with a friendly smile.

"Yes."

"Our wives are practically best friends. They spend every second that they can together."

"Yes."

"Why can't we call each other by our first name?" Derek asked with a smile as he raised his shoulders in a shrug. "It seems only natural to me."

"I don't think so," Burke said with an amused smile.

"Seriously?" Derek asked as the friendly look on his face turned to one of surprise.

"Seriously," Burke grinned, "Although, I do have one question for you, Shepherd."

"What?"

"Is your wife crazy? I find myself falling asleep at night thinking that everything is okay and every morning…Cristina seems just a little bit more crazier than the day before," Burke admitted. "Do you ever feel like that?"

"All the time, welcome to marriage. Once you think you understand what's happening…they go and change the rules of the game on you," Derek grinned before nodding, "Doctor Burke."

"Doctor Shepherd," Burke murmured before he walked away.

Derek shook his head. The smile that he'd had left his face as he looked back at the board. It was a very bad sign. He sighed before walking off to buy a coffee from the coffee shop on the first floor. Hoped of running into Meredith at some point during the day because his gut told him that he was in for a very long day and if Derek had learned anything in medicine, it was to trust his gut.

It was almost always right.

* * *

Meredith stood at the nurse's station in the deserted part of the E.R. and took a shaky breath. Staring at the door, she tried to swallow the fear that was pulsing through her body. It was like her body was working overtime to resist the urge to run away like she so desperately wanted to. She wanted to run. She wanted to go somewhere safe, but she couldn't and it scared the hell out of her.

"You alright?"

She turned her head and saw Derek was standing next to her with a concern look on his face. He'd set two cups of coffee down on the counter and the chart that had been tucked under his arm. Not even the hand that he'd placed between her shoulder blades was comforting. The smell of his soap and aftershave wasn't soothing to her as it always was. She felt cold…numb even. It felt like her body wasn't cooperating with her mind like she couldn't get them to work in sync. Her mind kept repeating over and over again that all would be alright, but her body didn't believe the lie her mind told. Her body was preparing for a fight that her mind was in complete denial about. Meredith looked at him with a scared expression on her face as her hands trembled.

"Do you remember that feeling that I had on 9/11? That morning when I told you something awful would happen and you just smiled and kissed me before putting your watch and hauling me out of bed? You told me that I was being silly as you forced me to dress. You said it was just nerves and you made me a cup of coffee before promising me that you'd call on your lunch break. You left the house after kissing me one last time and putting me in a cab to go to Columbia. Do you remember?"

Derek nodded said with a smile, "Yes. I think it's the only time I've ever dressed you."

"That feeling is back. Something horrible is going to happen today," she told him as her voice trembled. "You and Mark probably think that I'm crazy, but…I just…something bad… it is coming. I can't explain it…something bad is happening. Something is going to happen today, Derek. I can't explain how I know…I just do. "

Derek let his hand fall from her back and reached out to cover her hand with his, "Bad things happen, but we'll get through it. That feeling will pass, Meredith."

"Promise?"

"I promise," he said as he gave her one of his dreamy smiles. Meredith nodded and walked past him towards the E.R. and pushed the door open. She had to trust that everything would be alright. There was no other alternative, but not even Derek's dreamy smile could ease the knot that was forming in her chest as she tried to take deep, calming breaths. Stepping outside to join the other interns, Meredith joined Cristina as she leaned against a wall away from the other. She listened to Izzie bitch out Alex as George looked at her with puppy eyes. She was all too aware of George's little crush. It was bordering on being almost stalking. That was how many times she'd caught O'Malley staring at her and today of all days…he put her on edge even more. Turning towards Cristina, Meredith did her best to focus on keeping calm from the panic that she felt bubbling just beneath the surface.

"Keeping our heads down will pay off," Cristina murmured next to her. "Come on, we're a whole hell of a lot more advanced than these idiots. Besides, who the hell has time for sleeping with others and complaining about it? I can barely stay awake for sex with Burke these days. He's pissed about it."

"You found time to get married," Meredith smiled in amusement as she temporarily forgot everything as her other dirty mistress engaged her.

"It was Preston's idea," Cristina groaned. "You're never going to let me live it down for not inviting you, are you?"

"But you're happy you did it?"

A rare smile came to Cristina's face and it was all the confirmation that Meredith needed to know that Cristina had made the right decision. Bailey showed up a moment later and began yelling at Izzie, Alex and George for running off the residents that had been assigned to them. Cristina and Meredith stayed out of the way. For two weeks, they had taken turns trading back and forth on cardio and neuro. They'd had no desire to go anywhere else and on the rare days, Burke had even used them both as his intern. Any other free time they'd had was used in the skills lab and studying. She and Cristina were working on mastering Cardio surgeries that most second year residents couldn't even do yet. Being the wives of the heads of cardio and neuro had made them social outcasts among the residents and interns, but it had given them a drive as well. A drive to prove themselves to others and a drive to show others that they were more than the men they'd married. Together, they could stand on their own feet without needing Derek or Preston.

"Yang, Grey, and Karev," Bailey called out. "Get the incoming trauma. Stevens and O'Malley, help me."

"Hopefully something good," Cristina sighed tiredly as they joined Alex, their only friend, in waiting. Alex was the only one who didn't tease, bully, and gossip about them. He was like the big brother they'd never had and he'd threatened to kick several residents' asses if the three guys kept calling them whores. Meredith almost smiled at the memory…Alex had even impressed Mark Sloan and that was a hard thing to do.

"I just want to sleep a few more hours," Alex told them tiredly. "God, it would be so freaking nice to sleep."

"Hopefully something cardio," Meredith murmured with a hint of excitement and it caused Cristina grinned as Alex groaned at her words. He was well aware of her and Cristina's cardio romance. The whole hospital was aware of the affair. When the ambulance came to a halt after backing in, both women rushed forward and opened the doors. A screaming woman came out as soon as the doors opened and Alex grabbed her before she could fall. He quickly pulled the woman away from the rig and towards the E.R. as Meredith looked up into rig with wide eyes. She looked at the young, nervous brunette girl with her hand inside the body cavity or an unconscious man. Meredith and Cristina looked at each other before quickly climbing up into the ambulance to assist the paramedics in getting the man out safely.

Today was going to be a very long day, Meredith just knew from the feeling in her gut.

* * *

Meredith and Cristina worked furiously to stabilize James Carlson as Burke walked into the trauma room. The paramedic, Hanna, was in the way, but Meredith did her best to work around the girl calmly. It was obvious that the young woman was uncomfortable and slightly freaked out by everything and Meredith did her best to keep the woman calm.

"James Carlson, age 46," Cristina called out to Burke. "Paramedics found him unconscious and bleeding. Mechanisms of injury are unknown, but he has a large, sucking chest wound and a wife with a very healthy set of lungs. She won't stop screaming."

All three looked through the glass window to see Mrs. Carlson screaming at a group of people. The woman hadn't stopped in twenty minutes and it was beginning to get on everyone's nerves. Alex looked like he was getting ready to punch the woman.

"Vitals?" Burke asked as he stood back and let Meredith and Cristina work. It was comforting to know that he thought them capable enough to work uninterrupted.

"Tachycardic in the 140s, B.P. has been holding in the 90s," Cristina said as she handed Meredith sterile pads for a dressing.

"How's his respiratory efforts?" Burke asked.

"Absent breath sounds on the right side," Meredith replied said as she took the pads from Cristina. "Air is bubbling at the site of the wound and he's in shock as well as getting a little cyanotic. We're going to intubate him and apply an occlusive dressing over the wound before taking him down to the O.R. that we had booked already."

"Good plan," Burke acknowledged to both of the women. "Who's the girl?"

"Hannah Davies," Cristina answered as Meredith prepped the patient for intubation. "She's a paramedic. Her hand is on a major bleeder. If we move her hand…"

"Patient bleeds out," Meredith finished as she placed the tube.

"Grey, Yang," Burke said calmly. "Prep Mr. Carlson for a trip to the O.R. and make it quick. I want both you scrubbing in. Have someone go and calm the wife down. Figure out what the hell happened to this man. Go!"

Both women nodded and Meredith raised the bed rails as Cristina did the same on her side. Quickly explaining to Hannah that she needed to keep her hand as still as possible to stop any more bleeding, Meredith smiled reassuringly at the young woman as she dictated orders to a nurse about calming Mrs. Carlson down. Wheeling the gurney down the hallway towards the elevators, Meredith hit the up button and waited. A moment later, Derek nearly walked into her as he tried to step out of the elevator.

"See," he grinned as he stepped back into the elevator and hit a button that kept the doors opened. "The day isn't so bad. Looks like you got a cardiac case."

The elevator doors stayed open for them as she and Cristina pushed Mr. Carlson into the elevator. She arched an eyebrow at him and shook her head.

"The day hasn't even begun," she told him as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"It'll get better," he replied as he stepped around her and stepped out of the elevator. "I promise. Lunch later?"

"I'll page you," Meredith called back before the doors closed and she lost sight of him.

"Is he your boyfriend?" Hannah asked with a smile. "He's cute…not that I want him or anything."

"Husband," Meredith corrected. "He's my husband, the eternal optimist and neurosurgeon."

"You're both surgeons? That's cool."

"You've already met Cristina's husband," Meredith continued as she smiled at Hannah. "Burke is a good doctor."

"You're both married to surgeons?" Hanna asked wide eyed. "Interesting, you must get a lot of good cases."

"We only want the cardio ones," Cristina replied with a slight smirk. "Meredith and I are the nicknamed the Cardio Twins for a reason. People don't think that we know about the nickname, but we do."

Hannah laughed as the elevator doors opened and they were moving again. Draping Hannah, Meredith and Cristina turned the paramedic over to a few nurses to get prepped for the surgery. As they scrubbed in, both women quizzed each other on the surgery that Burke would have to perform. Discussing the possible complications and how best to control the bleeding dominated most of the conversation as well as how best to repair any possible damage. Stepping into the OR, Meredith looked down at her wedding rings that were pinned to her scrub top as she stepped into a gown. It was tied behind her as she put her hands into sterile gloves. Hannah smiled at her from behind a mask and Meredith walked over to her.

"How are you doing?" she asked gently as she stood next to the nervous looking woman and tried to come up with a plan to keep Hanna calm.

"My hand's getting numb and I've got to tell you this whole 'insides are bloody and squishy' thing is so not good for my gag reflex," Hannah responded with a nervous laugh as Meredith draped the area around her hand and arm with sterile cloths. "Is this okay? Me being in here like this?"

"Once Doctor Burke scrubs in and removes your hand, you'll be free to go," Meredith smiled at her as Cristina came into the OR. She went through the same steps that Meredith had gone through to gown and glove up and Hannah watched with interest. Meredith tried to be reassuring as Hannah voiced her fears of the O.R., but she suspected that the girl was freaking out about having her hand inside the man's body and the minutes were ticking away. Hannah would freak out to the point of yanking her hand out and when that happened, Mr. Carlson would be in trouble. Hannah's hand was the only thing that was preventing Mr. Carlson from bleeding out on the table.

"Bailey's having her baby today. I heard it from Izzie earlier," Cristina scoffed at the word 'Izzie', but she tried to be cheerful for Hannah's sake. "I guess Bailey's husband is on the table and you're husband is in his brain."

"If Bailey asks who operated on her husband, Derek didn't do it," Meredith smiled behind her mask as she shook her head and caught on to Cristina's strategy for using small talk to keep Hannah calm. "Bailey will eat him alive for breakfast if something goes wrong. I can't have my husband and my resident at odds. My life will be miserable again and my marriage is finally starting to get back on track. I will accept only good things happening."

"Oh, I hear yea," Cristina agreed as Burke walked into the OR and the woman watched as her husband gowned and gloved up. Meredith stood next to Hannah and waited patiently as Burke prepped himself for surgery. The tall man walked around the table and smiled warmly at Hannah from behind his mask.

"Okay, everyone," he said in warm, calming voice. "I'm going to do a thoracotomy and Hannah is going to pull her hand out. Grey, you're going to clamp the bleeder once we have exposure and Yang, I need you to suction. Do you understand what we're doing, Hannah?"

The girl nodded and Meredith looked across the table at Cristina. Together they shared a look, both knowing that if Burke didn't act soon, Hannah would yank her hand out. The girl was freaking out inside and they could both see it in her eyes.

"Scalpel," Burke said and the scrub nurse handed the tool over. "On the count of three. One…two…"

Before Burke could get to three, Alex opened the door. "I need to speak with you, Doctor Burke."

Cristina looked over her shoulder and watched Alex with a confused expression on her face as Meredith smiled reassuringly at Hannah. Keeping the girl calm was her job and she wasn't going to fail. Mr. Carlson was depending on them to save his life and she wouldn't fail him.

"I am in surgery, Karev," Burke replied with an annoyed tone. "It can wait."

"You want to talk to me, sir," Alex said again with a scared, but determined look in his eyes. "It's important."

Burke looked extremely aggravated as he walked around the table and spoke in hushed tones with Karev. Meredith didn't know what they were saying, but the unease feeling that she'd had all morning grew worse. Alex's eyes kept darting towards the table where Mr. Carlson lay and then to Hannah. Something was off, Meredith just didn't know what. Cristina turned back and looked at her. Neither of them was crazy…something was wrong.

"He's cute," Hannah observed with a cheerful voice. "Is he single?"

"You can do so much better than him, sweetheart," Cristina said in an unapologetic tone. "He gave the nurses syphilis. I wouldn't touch him with ten foot pole. Keep looking."

Meredith handed the clamp back to the scrub nurse as she watched the conversation taking place. Something was seriously off. She could tell just by the way both men looked nervous and tense. Even Cristina seemed to pick up on the nervous energy and she too looked uneasy as people around them began to whisper.

"Hannah," Burke said as he finally turned back around and looked at them. "What do you feel inside of Mr. Carlson? What is your hand touching?"

"What do you mean?" Hannah asked looking confused.

"Is your hand touching anything hard? Like metal?" he questioned calmly.

"Um…I don't know."

"Don't move your hand," Burke told her gently. "Just tell me what you feel."

"Burke," Cristina snapped as she whirled around and looked at her husband. "What's going on?"

"Um, my fingertips are touching something…hard," Hannah said after a moment. "Why? What's wrong?"

Meredith took a deep breath as she realized what was happening. Hannah was touching a bomb inside James Carlson's chest cavity. Her heart plummeted to her stomach, but she kept a reassuring hand on Hannah's shoulder and smiled.

"Oh, my God," Milton, the anesthesiologist, murmured as the smile that had been on Meredith face disappeared as Cristina shot the man a dirty look.

"Doctor Milton," Meredith snapped at him. "Be quiet. No one asked for your input to this conversation."

"Hannah," Burke continued as if nothing had just happened. "I just want you to stand still. Don't move your hand, don't move your body. Not an inch, alright? Grey and Yang, I want you to stay with Hannah and keep her company right now. The rest of you, I want you to walk, not run, out of this OR. Alex, I want you to go find the charge nurse and tell him that we have a code black. Am I clear?"

"What's going on?" Hanna demanded as she looked around at them. Her eyes were wide with fear and panic as people quickly, but efficiently exited the O.R.

"You're frightening me. I'm scared," Hannah snapped at them. "What the hell is going on?"

"Don't worry, Hannah," Burke said soothingly as he smiled at her. "You have nothing to be afraid of. Everything is going to be alright."

Meredith looked at Cristina as the last person slowly walked out of the room leaving her alone with Milton, Hannah and Cristina. The monitor beeped rhythmically and the sound of a cool, filtered air being pumped into the room hummed in the background.

"You were totally right about that feeling today, weren't you?" Cristina sighed as Milton quickly began to disconnect Mr. Carlson from the oxygen that he was on and switched to manual respiration.

"Oh, yeah," Meredith said quietly as she gently rubbed Hannah's back. "It's going to be a long day, but every day is a long day so that is nothing new for us."

The look shared between the two women conveyed one thing. They had to keep Hannah calm if they both wanted to make it out of the O.R. alive and not in pieces. In order to do that, they would do anything. Meredith looked back at Hannah with a smile and quickly engaged the woman in conversation. She and Cristina asked about every topic they could think to try and keep Hannah calm as the minutes began to tick by.

* * *

Derek didn't look up when he heard his pager go off.

"Stevens, can you check that?" he murmured as the resident next to him helped try to evacuate some of the bleeding in Bailey's husband's brain. "If it's my wife, page her back that I can't make it to lunch and tell her that I'm sorry. The bleeding here is worse than I thought."

He didn't need to look up to know that Stevens had rolled her eyes at him. She made no secret of how much she disliked Meredith and Cristina. Burke wouldn't even keep Stevens on his service after hearing the nasty things the blonde had said about Yang. He was doing his best to try and give the woman the benefit of the doubt, but she wasn't making it easy for him. She wasn't a good cutter and he doubted that she'd make it as a surgeon. Stevens was too caught up in petty things to focus like Meredith and Yang could when things got tough.

"It's not your wife," Stevens said bluntly. "I called the nurse's station like the message said to. They want us to evacuate. They said something about a code black on this floor."

Derek paused and looked up at Stevens, "You're sure they said that? Code Black?"

"Yes, sir."

"It could be a drill," Derek reasoned to himself out loud. It had to be a drill. His wife was only a few doors down in surgery and the thought of Meredith in danger…it made Derek's stomach drop and his heart pound. He'd nearly lost her and the thought of her dying because of a bomb…Derek didn't even want to consider that as an option.

"Even if it isn't a drill, I can't evacuate," he continued as he refocused himself on the surgery. "I've got an open brain on the table. I'm not leaving Bailey's husband with his skull flap open on my table. So, if anyone wants to go, now is the time. Going once, going twice…a third time…alright, we're staying. Stevens, go find Addison Sloan and tell her that this is going to take longer than I thought. Bailey's husband is barely stable and it's been 'touch and go' here since we started."

"Yes, sir."

Stevens left the room and Derek forced himself to focus on Bailey's husband. He couldn't lose this patient. Bailey would kill him if he did. Pushing Meredith out of his thoughts was difficult, but he told himself that she was safe. She was with Burke and Burke would take care of both Meredith and Cristina in his OR. The man wouldn't endanger the two women's lives. Burke knew just how gifted those two were and they were on their way to becoming the cardio department head's two star pupils. The man wouldn't endanger their lives.

* * *

"So, I'm touching live, unexploded ammunition?" Hannah asked after both Cristina and Meredith had gently explained to her what was happening. Milton had started mumbling about pink mist and Meredith had hauled the man out of the O.R. so fast that even her head had spun.

"Yes," Meredith said gently as she returned to Hannah's side. "But the bomb squad is coming. We're going to get through this Hannah and then, we're going to go have drinks and laugh about it later."

"They will know what to do. We can fix Mr. Carlson and they can fix the bomb," Cristina added in a soft tone as she compressed the ambu bag. "You have nothing to be afraid of, Hannah. I promise."

"Doctor Milton practically ran out of here," Hannah said tearfully. "Or…Doctor Grey hauled him out of here."

"Milton is a pussy," Cristina said bluntly and Meredith smiled at the girl.

"You're doing great, Hannah," she murmured. "Don't worry about Milton. Cristina is right. He's not hardcore like we are."

"What if I just take my hand out really quickly?" Hannah asked with tears falling down her cheeks. "I don't want to die."

"We'd have to ask the bomb squad about that when they arrive, but I'm guessing that would cause the ammo to shift and explode," Burke said quietly from the open door where he was waiting for the bomb squad. "For now, just remain still, Hannah. You're doing great."

Hannah looked nervous and she looked like she would freak out at any minute.

"You know, my husband did the stupidest thing yesterday," Meredith said quickly to change the topic. "Want to hear about?"

"Sure," Hannah said tearfully.

"Derek is good at a lot of things," Meredith smiled. "Laundry is not on that list. He went and bought a new pair of jeans sometime yesterday and he put his brand new jeans in with the load of whites that I'd put in the washing machine early yesterday morning before I left for work. Needless to say, I have tinted blue underwear that is supposed to be white and I didn't even think twice about it until last night when I was getting ready for bed. Considering how late it was, I didn't have the chance to yell at him for it."

"You're serious going to yell at him after this?" Hanna asked looking surprised.

"You know, they call her Darth Vader behind her back," Cristina chuckled. "She can go ballistic in a heartbeat if you push hard enough. You saw what she just did to Milton. Trust me…Shepherd isn't getting out of his ass chewing. Being an attending and a neurosurgeon doesn't get him out of much at home."

A dark haired man appeared at the door and Burke stepped out leaving the three of them alone.

"I can't believe that your husband has Bailey's husband on the table," Cristina continued as if they were discussing everything over lunch. "Bailey's having her baby upstairs."

"I know," Meredith exclaimed. "God, I hope he's alright. He'll be alright. Derek will save him. I have a feeling that everything is going to be alright. Besides, I can't wait to see Bailey's baby boy. He's gonna be so cute. I just have a gut feeling he's gonna be so cute."

"You and your gut feelings," Cristina scoffed.

"They haven't screwed me over yet," Meredith smiled at Hannah. "I won't start doubting them now. That guy looks pissed."

All three women looked over at the door where Burke was having a furious conversation with the man outside. Meredith cocked her head to the side as she watched Burke point towards the O.R. that they were in and the other man shook his head.

"Hannah, this is Dylan Young. He's the leader of the bomb squad. They're going to put protective vests on everyone and get an x-ray of the bomb," Burke said a moment later as he entered the room with several other men.

"I need you two leave, now," the dark haired man barked and Meredith arched a brow.

"Oh, we're not going anywhere," she snapped back. "We're here for Hannah and don't you dare think that we will leave her for a second. It's not happening."

"Lady, this isn't an argument!"

"Lady?" Meredith exclaimed angrily. "You think you get to call me 'lady'? Let me tell you something, sir! I have busted my ass to get to where I am today! Don't you think that for one damn moment you get to call me 'lady'! You will call me Doctor Grey-Shepherd and you will be kind to Hannah and Doctor Yang as well. Do I make myself clear?"

The man bit the inside of his cheek and grudgingly nodded to her. Meredith felt a man putting a protective vest on her as the same thing happened to Hannah beside her. Cristina stepped back from the table and let Burke help her put a vest on before grabbing the ambu bag and giving it another squeeze.

"I told you they call her Darth Vader for a reason," Cristina grinned as she stepped back up to the table. The x-ray was quickly taken and the men left the room to devise a plan for retrieving the bomb and deactivating it. Hannah still looked jumpy as Meredith looked across the table at Cristina. The brunette girl was badly shaking with nerves and the situation was rapidly falling apart.

"I think I'm gonna take my hand out now," she said in a quavering voice. "I can't die today."

Meredith grabbed the girl's wrist to stop her, but Hannah started shaking her head.

"Hey! Somebody! We need help in here!" Cristina yelled as loud as she could. She never stopped compressing the ambu bag that was keeping Mr. Carlson alive. "Preston! Get in here!"

"You're okay, Hannah," Meredith coached soothingly in a tone that Derek had used on her before. "You are okay. Do you hear me? Do not remove your hand, you're okay. You are okay, Hannah."

Chaos erupted as the door was opened and Dylan Young told Hannah to stay calm as she panicked. Cristina urged calm along with Burke and in that single moment, Meredith knew what she had to do. Reaching in, she steadied the bomb as Hanna tore her hand out. Breathing deeply, Meredith stared at Cristina and nodded.

"It was the only thing to do," she whispered as Cristina wore an understanding expression. "It was the only thing to do and you do not get to leave me."

"Agreed," Cristina said quietly as they both looked at Burke and Dylan. "I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

For nearly an hour, Meredith stood with her hand inside the guy's body cavity. Neither she nor Cristina spoke because there was nothing to say. Memories of the past had long since begun haunting her and the first time she met Derek kept playing over and over again like a broken record…

…_Grabbing a champagne bottle from a passing waiter, eighteen year old Meredith Grey weaved her way through the crowded ballroom. Richard Webber, her god-father, was nominated for a medical award and he'd invited her to join him in celebrating the nomination. Always ready for a party, Meredith had found a gown and had gotten her mother's driver to take her to the hotel where the event was being held. Working her way around the people on the dance floor as they all danced to the sounds of the big band era, she easily spotted Adele and waved to her happily. Richard stood up when she approached the table and gave her a hug._

"_I'm glad you made it," he told her softly when she pulled away from him. "I'm really glad."_

"_I wouldn't have missed this for the world," Meredith smiled as she held up the bottle of champagne, "I brought you a gift."_

_Richard chuckled as he turned to the table and looked at everyone seated, "Let me introduce you to my favorite students, Meredith."_

_Meredith turned and faced the table and felt her heart stop in her chest. Seated with the only empty seat next to him was the most handsome man she'd ever seen. Rich, dark wavy hair and blue eyes, he had a smile on his face that made her heart flutter as he looked at her. His suit was cut just right and when he stood up, her heart danced. He was tall with a lean, but muscular frame and a nose that looked like it had been broken once. It made her curious to know what might have broken it. She had never believed in love at first sight, but she was sure that she was experiencing something as she openly stared at him._

"_Derek Shepherd," he smiled at her as he stood there and offered her his hand. Reaching out, Meredith felt a jolt of electricity travel between them and she was sure he'd felt it too. His warm blue eyes twinkled and Meredith was certain that she'd blushed as his smile widened on his face. _

"_Meredith Grey, I'm Richard's goddaughter."_

"_It's nice to meet you. I'm one of Richard's favorite students, I think." _

_Meredith giggled before Richard quickly introduced her to the two other companions sitting at the table for the night. Addison Forbes-Montgomery and Mark Sloan weren't as interesting as Derek Shepherd was, but Meredith thought she could like them. The only empty seat was next to Derek and Meredith sat down as Richard and Adele were pulled away by several people wishing to congratulate Richard on his nomination. Addison and Mark were engaged in a political debate of some kind and Meredith had a feeling that Mark liked to either simply listen to Addison talk…or piss her off. She wasn't sure which. _

"_You shouldn't ignore me."_

_Hearing Derek talk, Meredith turned her head and looked at the man as he smiled at her. _

"_Why not?" she asked in a breathy voice that she barely recognized as her own as she cupped her hand on the junction of her neck and shoulder while her elbow rested on the table. She clung to her beaded clutch in her lap in an uncharacteristic way. Meredith Grey didn't get nervous around guys, but Derek…Derek Shepherd wasn't a guy. He was a very handsome man._

"_I'm someone you need to get to know to love," he told her with a grin that probably made plenty of women willingly drop their panties without a thought. It was a dangerous smile that was oh, so sexy. He could get away with anything with that smile, she was sure. _

"_Really?" Meredith asked as she flirted back and bit her bottom lip in a suggestive manner. _

"_Oh, yes."_

"_So, if I know you, I'll love you?" _

"_Oh, yes."_

_His arrogance mixed with that disarming smile had her stomach in knots and made the area between her legs tingle with desire. Meredith had never met a man who made breathing so difficult and yet somehow, he was just the right combination of charming, arrogant, and sexy all at once. It was a lethal combination that she'd never seen before and it was doing things to her that had never been done._

"_You really like yourself, huh?"_

"_You like dancing?" _

_Before she could say a word, Derek pushed his chair back and grabbed her hand. She'd barely had a chance to put her clutch down before she was being pulled to the dance floor. The action was nothing new to her. She'd had plenty of guys dance with her, but the sounds of Frank Sinatra playing were different. Just being with him was exciting and without thinking, her hand rested on his shoulder and he held her hand like it was the most precious thing in the world. _

"_I barely know you for five minutes and already you're dragging me to dance," Meredith smiled at him. "I have to say, I am impressed. You certainly know how to catch a girl off guard."_

"_Tell me about your boyfriend," Derek smiled back as he swayed with her on the dance floor as people watched them._

"_Who said I had a boyfriend?"_

"_Women like you aren't single." _

"_Women like me?"_

"_Beautiful women who light up an entire room and cause every man to stop and turn his head," he told her with a dreamy smile on his face. "You're probably used to it, but do you know that every man that you passed on the way to Richard's table stopped and looked at you when you walked by. Women like you aren't single."_

"_Women like me have strings of crappy boyfriends and humiliatingly awful dates that never end well. Why do you think I showed up alone?" she asked him as she tried to avoid the question._

"_What do you want from a date?" _

"_You're seriously asking me that?" she chuckled. "I just met you five minutes ago."_

"_So? I'm just a guy at a party. You're a girl at a party…so we talk. Get to know each other." _

"_Fine, you win. I want moonlight and flowers," Meredith laughed as she danced with him. "I want candy and a guy trying to feel me up afterwards. The guy I'm dating. Six months together and he hasn't once tired to feel me up. He doesn't even look at me. I'm beginning to think I'm defective or I've lost my charms. I want heat, I want romance. I wanna feel like a lady and the guy I've been seeing is really bad at making me like any of those things. I'm beginning to feel like a picture on the wall around him."_

"_That's bad," Derek said soberly. "You need to get out of that relationship as soon as possible."_

"_Is it bad manners to tell the guy that you're dancing with all the ways that the guy you don't want to date is failing?" _

"_How about I take you out and I'll show you just all the ways I can do better than him," Derek grinned in the dreamy way that made her warm all over. "One night and if I fail…you won't ever have to see me again, I promise."_

"_Until Richard gets his next award," Meredith teased him. "Then we'll be here again."_

"_Until Richard gets his next award," he agreed and the moment turned serious. "I have to admit something."_

"_What? You're not like a crazy serial killer who keeps body parts in his basement, are you?"_

"_I don't dance in public," Derek told her with a straight face as she burst out laughing. "Ever! Look at me, I'm in a tux with a bow-tie and I'm dancing with the most beautiful woman in the room. Men are staring at me with jealously! Let me tell you, I took Addison with me to my sisters' wedding. I have four sisters, by the way. I never danced at their weddings. I don't dance in public and yet, with you I am."_

"_And yet, you are with me," Meredith echoed as she grinned up at him._

"_What does that tell you? It must be a sign from the universe that you should go out with me for that date." _

"_Is Addison your ex-girlfriend?"_

"_No," Derek said quickly and shook his head. "No, Mark has the world's biggest crush on her and Addison and I are friends. She's like my wingman when I need a date to something. It's very much platonic, no romance or anything."_

"_The last guy I dated before six months guy had three girlfriends and didn't tell me. Platonic is good. I like platonic."_

"_I'm sure you do," Derek grinned back. "We're not going to be platonic dates, I promise you."_

"_Dates?"_

"_We'll be having more than one. I know we will."_

"_You are that confident in yourself?"_

"_Oh, yes."_

_Meredith couldn't stop the grin that came over her face. There was something about Derek Shepherd that made her believe in happily ever after. Just dancing with him made her feel light and made her believe that she could say anything and he wouldn't run from the darkness. He was almost like a beacon of light and hope and he pulled her in. God, he pulled her in and she wanted him. Never before had she wanted a person like she wanted Derek Shepherd…_

…A second memory hit Meredith hard and she nearly had to choke back tears as she relieved the one moment that changed everything…

…_Standing in front of the mirror, twenty year old Meredith Grey stood still. She looked like a bride and it made her wonder just what her father would say if he saw her. Thick straps that were encrusted with crystals went over her shoulders and the front of the dress was modest. No plunging necklines, but the back of the dress showed off some skin before coming into a 'v' at mid-lower back. Buttons ran the length of back of the dress as a lace overlay gave the dress the simplicity and beauty that Meredith had wanted. A trumpet dress, the dress was a far cry from the much more fashionable dresses that Derek's sisters had forced her to try on. _

_The dress she'd been wearing hadn't even really been her own find. It had been Mark's. He'd been out shopping for a tux when he'd seen the dress in a window display across the street. He'd waited nearly two hours in a bridal boutique in uptown Manhattan for her to get there. She'd been so skeptical, but the moment Meredith had tried the gown on…she'd known it had been her dress. A mix between crystal embroidery and lace, the gown was simple and yet, stunning at the same time. A matching veil was in her hair that fell down the back of her dress to the floor and fanned out over the train of gown. Holding the bouquet of flowers from Derek, Meredith felt some tears in her eyes. She looked like a bride. She was getting married and she was happy. It was something that she'd never imagined or allowed herself to believe possible. Not after the life she'd had with Ellis… _

_Ellis had refused to even come to the wedding and had been vocal about how Meredith was making the mistake of her life, but Meredith refused to believe that. There was no way she was making a mistake. Everything felt too right to be making the mistake of her life. Derek wasn't a mistake. She'd only known him for a little time, but she had never been so sure in her life that she was making the right decision. Hearing the door open, Meredith looked up and smiled. Mark stood in the door way in a suit with a flower pinned to his suit coat. He wore a grin on his face and Meredith felt infected by his glee. _

"_You ready to get hitched?" he boomed in the usual way he said things and it made Meredith smile. She'd come to love him like a brother and they were Dirty Mistresses together for life. _

"_I'm ready to get this over with," he continued as he stepped into the room. "I've got to convince Addison to go on a date with me and knowing Shepherd, he's got a good bottle of scotch I can apply to Addison at the reception."_

"_Using my wedding to convince Addison to date you…why am I not surprised by that?" Meredith teased with a smile. _

"_Because you love me," Mark said as if it were the most obvious answer in the world._

"_I do," she said with a shrug._

"_Practicing?"_

"_It's the biggest phrase I'm ever going to say. I'm going to marry the man I love and spend the rest of my life with him."_

"_You nervous about this, Grey?" Mark asked with frown, "It's alright to be nervous. Shepherd was a mess this morning. I had to take him to the hospital this morning and let him do a surgery to calm him down. Poor bastard…"_

"_I'm not really nervous," Meredith admitted with a smile. "I know I'm doing the right thing. Now, how do I look?"_

_Mark looked her over and she swore his eyes watered, "Like the most beautiful Dirty Mistress turned bride I've ever seen. Let's get you hitched. In a matter of an hour, you're gonna be the other Mrs. Shepherd." _

"_I didn't think about that!"_

"_You'll be Doctor and Mrs. Derek Shepherd on the mail and crap like that," Mark shrugged as he held the door opened for her. "You practice signing your name like that?" _

"_No," Meredith laughed. Guided into position by one of the volunteers from the church, Meredith stared at the closed double doors as someone adjusted the train of her lace dress behind her as well as her veil. Feeling something poking her fingers from the flowers in her hand, Meredith found a folded note and looked up at Mark. _

"_Hold the doors for a second," Mark commanded and the two men who would open the doors nodded. _

_Unfolding the small piece of papers, Meredith smiled seeing Derek's handwriting. _

Did you see the shoot star last night? Were you dazzled by the same constellation? Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me? I think you, the moon, and Neptune got it right because with you, Meredith, I'm shinning bright. I love you and I can't wait to marry you.

-D.

_Meredith had spent all morning promising herself that she wouldn't cry, but reading his words…she felt tears in her eyes._

"_You ready?" Mark asked. _

_Looking up at Mark, Meredith smiled as a tear feel down her cheek._

"_I'm not nervous…I'm more than ready. Happy tears!" she told him with a laugh._

_Mark grinned at her before he nodded at the two men to open the doors. Standing, Meredith had never been so sure of herself. There was no doubt in her heart or her mind that she was doing the right thing. The voice of her mother was silenced in her head by his simple words in the note. _

_Ellis was wrong. _

_She wasn't making the mistake of her life. She was marrying the love of her life and there was nothing that could stop her…_

…Hearing the door to the O.R. open, Meredith and Cristina looked up and watched Burke walk in with Dylan Young.

"Tell me you have a plan," Meredith said as she looked at Dylan with tears in her eyes. "You have to have a plan to get me out of this, right? I have a husband to go home to, you know that? He was just down the hall operating when this all happened. I have a dog. It is Christmas Eve…I want to go home and call my nieces and nephews. I want to wish them a Merry Christmas while I have a cup of hot chocolate and watch some stupid Christmas special re-run on TV. I want to watch my husband make breakfast tomorrow morning before we swap gifts and spend the day watching our favorite movies or something. You have a plan to get me out of this, right?"

"There's been a complication," Dylan said calmly. "The O.R. that we're in, right now, is under the direct supply line for oxygen to all the operating rooms on this floor. In order to take the bomb out, we have to move you and the bomb to another O.R."

"We'll be able to do the surgery there," Burke said quickly with a reassuring smile. "I'll need both of you there to assisted me. Dylan and his team will take the bomb apart. Cristina, I need your help to prep the O.R. we will be using. Dylan will take over the ambu bag for now. I'll help you."

Dylan came to Cristina's side and the woman showed him how it worked. She and Burke quickly left and Meredith found that she was alone with a man she didn't like and barely knew. It was not how she ever imagined her life ending.

"Everyone is cleared from the floor?" she asked in a shaky voice as she looked at Dylan.

"The brain surgeon next door finally finished up," he replied calmly as he squeezed the ambu bag like Cristina showed. "I think he's an idiot for not evacuating, but he finished and left the floor about ten minutes ago."

"My husband didn't evacuate…that sounds like Derek," Meredith murmured as she looked at the door and silently counted the minutes until she could return to him. "He's the one who was next door. The brain surgeon…he's, ugh, he's world-class surgeon and good man. He's not an idiot. He's the one people go to when they have no-one left. He's the one who gets the tumors…does the procedures others are afraid to do. He's not an idiot or a coward like you think. He's very brave."

"The arrogant son of a bitch kicked me out of his O.R.," Dylan said with a small smile as if he were trying to comfort her.

"I've been married seven years since September," Meredith said as a tear fell down her cheek. "You know, I can't remember if I told him that I love him this morning or if I kissed him. Are you married?"

"No, but I'm sure you did," Dylan tried to reassure her. "He knows that you love him."

"No, I'm not sure I told him," she whispered tearfully. "I would have remembered if I did. The thing about marriage…sometimes things become such a habit…you don't even think about doing it. I don't even think twice about kissing him. I just do it and now…I can't remember if I did or if I just passed him and told him that I'd see him later."

Within fifteen minutes, Cristina and Burke were back in the O.R. and they were all ready to move Meredith and the bomb. Taking shaky breaths, Meredith looked as several men from the bomb squad filled the room and they all gathered around the OR table.

"We're ready to move," Dylan said as everyone moved into position. "How about you, Meredith? Are you ready?"

"Yes," she breathed with tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm ready."

Each step was like torture. Each breath was short and her heart pounded in her chest. Walking down the long hallway seemed like it would never end. It was like time had stopped and nothing else existed. Adrenaline pulsed through her veins and with every foot they moved, Meredith wondered if it would be her last step. Dylan walked beside her and as much as she hated the jerk, she was grateful that someone was with her. If she were honest, there was only one person that she really wanted with her. Closing her eyes Meredith let herself slip away…

…_Standing on a deck, she leaned on the railing and watched Derek in the backyard that was fenced in. Built on the hill with a view, she could see the skyline of Seattle in the backdrop. That view was nothing compared to watching her husband. Playing with a soccer ball, Derek had a little girl on his back with her arms loosely wrapped around his neck and her legs on either side his waist. His hands were under her knees as he kicked the ball to a boy who couldn't have been older than five. He looked to be tall with the exact same curls and dark hair that she'd seen in pictures of Derek as a child. He turned towards her and Meredith felt her breath catch in her lungs. He looked exactly like Derek. The same piercing blue eyes and sweet smile that made her heart stop. He looked away before kicking the ball towards the mini soccer net that was set up in the yard. The ball went in and the boy cheered as he did a cartwheel. _

"_Excellent shot, Max!" Derek called with a joyful grin on his face. "Wasn't that a good shot, Emily?"_

_The little girl on his back nodded vigorously. She had the same dark curls as her brother and the same blue eyes. __Shepherd blue eyes as Carolyn Shepherd had once called them. The same blue eyes that all five of her children had…blue eyes they'd all gotten from Max Shepherd, Derek's father._

"_Good shot, Maxie!" Emily called in a child's voice before whispering something into Derek's ear. He crouched down so the little girl could slip off. The little girl…Emily…went running towards where she was standing and with ease, Meredith caught the little girl and settled her on her hip. Up close…Meredith felt her heart ready to burst. Emily had all of Derek's coloring, but she had sharp cheek bones that were entirely Ellis Grey's. Derek called out to Max to grab the ball as a black dog joined her and pushed the ball with his nose. Derek walked towards her and smiled as he climbed the steps of the deck. _

"_I'm scared," Meredith whispered as Derek took Emily out of her arms. _

"_I know," he told her with a soft, loving smile. "You can do this. It'll be over in a second. You can do this, Meredith."_

"_Okay," she murmured back as Max came running up the stairs with the ball in his hands and the dog running behind him. _

"_Okay," Derek smiled at her before he moved into the house through the open French doors. He walked in with Emily in his arms and Max ahead of him. The black dog that she'd never seen before laid down in front of the open doors as Beau came racing outside as fast as his legs would allow. Together, the two dogs curled up and beyond them, Meredith could see Derek pouring a glass of water for each child as he laughed at something Max said. They were her family…the family she'd always wanted…_

…Opening her eyes as they rolled the patient into the new O.R., Meredith breathed a sigh of relief as they came to a stop. She looked at Cristina and nodded.

"I'm okay," she whispered in response to her friend's look of concern. "I'm okay. I can do this."

"Meredith, we're ready to deactivate the bomb," Dylan said in a very grave voice. "We need you to remove the bomb and you have to keep it level. No matter what, you keep it level."

Meredith nodded as she looked at Cristina and Burke. They both calmly stood together and Meredith could feel tears slipping down her cheeks. She just wanted Derek. She just wanted him…

Burke made the cut that he had to make in order for Meredith to remove the bomb. Slowly, she did as Dylan instructed and wrapped her hand around the nose cone. As gently as she could, Meredith lifted the bomb and pulled it out of James Carlson's chest cavity. Dylan waited with open hands for her to give the bomb over. Placing it in his hands, Meredith nearly swore when Dylan turned and nearly dropped the bomb. She placed the clamp like she was supposed to and dropped to the ground next to Cristina; both of them covered their heads and clenched their eyes shut.

When no explosion happened, both women stood and saw Burke supporting Dylan's hands and slowly walking towards the door. A member of the bomb squad held open the door to the O.R. as Dylan and Burke passed through the doorway slowly. It swung shut, leaving the two women alone.

"It's almost over," Meredith whispered.

"It's almost over," Cristina echoed.

* * *

Derek took his scrub cap off as he walked into the conference room that the Chief had set up as his commander center. He'd saved Miranda Bailey's husband, but had been side tracked with trying to help others in the chaos.

"You're telling me to calm down!" Richard roared at Addison. "I have a bomb in a chest cavity. The man with the bomb in his chest cavity could bleed out at any minute. The bomb could explode at any minute. I have a world class surgeon down there with two out of my three best residents and my other best resident is refusing to give birth. One of those residents happens to be my god-daughter and she's holding the damn bomb steady so that it doesn't blow us all up! You wanna tell me to calm down, Sloan? Really?"

Derek felt the air leave his lungs and he swayed on his feet for a moment. His heart felt like it nearly stopped as he clutched the door frame for support. He must have heard wrong…there was no possible…it wasn't possible…

"Meredith is holding the bomb?"

Both Addison and Richard turned towards him with their mouths opening and closing. Just then, the muffled sound of an explosion caused them all to freeze.

* * *

Derek stood under the hot water of one of the shower in the attending's lounge and locker room. Still dressed in his scrubs, he let his hands rest on the tile and bent slightly forward. He felt sick and tears blurred his vision as he thought about never seeing Meredith again.

She couldn't be gone...

Her life couldn't be over...

He refused to accept such a thing. They'd already heard the bomb go off, but there had been no word yet on if anyone had died. There was at least one member of the bomb squad who was in contact with the police, but because Derek was Meredith's husband, they had nothing to tell him. They wouldn't say anything until they had either confirmed she was alive or…or they'd recovered what was left of her body…if there even was a body to recover. Choking back a sob, Derek refused to believe that she was gone…she couldn't be. They had so much to do together. They had a family to create and a beautiful house to build. She would make a great surgeon, Meredith was gifted. She was a true gift and the universe could not be cruel enough to take her from him…not yet. Derek wasn't ready to give her back. He wanted more time with her, but the truth was that the time that he'd had with her had been a blessing. He didn't know if she was alive or dead, but already…Derek's world seemed so much dimmer just thinking about living without her. Nothing seemed to have any meaning in that world.

"Burke needs your help. He just came up in the elevator. Told us that the bomb only half exploded and that they needed help down there…"

Derek looked at Mark standing next to him with his arms folded across his chest. The plastic surgeon was off and Derek could imagine that Mark was hurting too. Meredith and Mark were pals…two broken spirits who had become friends…they were dirty mistresses as they affectionately called each other.

"She has to be okay," Derek whispered to Mark. "She has to be…because I can't live with the alternative. I can't imagine living…life would seem meaningless, dull and meaningless."

"Grey is a fighter," Mark said determinedly. "She'll kick ass. She'll get through this. She won't give up without a fight. I know her. What's your heart tell you?"

The line was so cheesy and silly that it brought a chuckle to Derek's lips, "Too many romantic comedies with Addison?"

"Shut up and answer the damn question," Mark said sounding surprisingly like himself for a moment. Derek closed his eyes and turned the water off.

"My heart tells me that she's alive," Derek replied after a moment. "My heart hopes that she's alive and safe. She's not gone…not yet…"

"Keep telling yourself that she's alive and she's safe until you know otherwise," Mark responded. "Now, Burke needs your help."

* * *

Meredith picked up the phone of the OR and dialed the nurse's station. The phone rang twice before she heard a familiar voice that almost brought tears to her eyes.

"This is Sloan."

"Mark?" Meredith breathed tearfully. "It's me."

"Grey! You're alive…thank God! Burke came up in the elevator and we thought the worst had happened to you and Yang," Mark said quickly. "What the hell happened?"

"The bomb kind of exploded. I don't know what exactly happened, but Burke was thrown back and that stupid idiot, Dylan Young, thought he was helping us by sending Burke up to you," Meredith explained quickly. "Cristina and I are the only ones down here with Mr. Carlson."

"Listen to me, Meredith. I only have a few minutes," Mark breathed heavily. "The police are going to be shutting down power because of the risk for fire from the explosion on the surgical floor. They don't want any electrical fires starting and the police will not let anyone go down. We can't send you and Yang help. I'm sorry. People can only come up the elevator. No one goes down."

"So," Meredith swallowed as she turned around to look at Cristina. "You're telling me that we're flying solo at this point. No help and no elevator?"

"Kick ass, Grey," Sloan said with pride in his voice. "Make sure your stitches are tight and take your time. You and Yang...I like those odds for Mr. Carlson. Those are good odds. They're going to cut the connection at any moment. We all love you, you know that right?"

"I love you too, Mark," she replied tearfully. "You and all your silliness and the crazy stunts you pull…how is Burke doing?"

"Still unconscious, but we gave him something for the massive headache he's gonna have when he wakes up from hitting his head. Derek is with him in C.T.," Mark explained. "Go kick ass, Grey."

"If I don't come out of this…you'll take care of him, Mark?" Meredith asked tearfully. "You'll tell him that I love him so much? Promise me."

"You'll tell him yourself when you see him, but yeah I'll—"

The line went dead and Meredith hung up the useless phone. The bomb was still active even though only half the ammunition had exploded. No one had been injured except Burke.

"We're solo on this."

"Okay," Cristina said calmly, but Meredith could tell the woman was scared. "How's Preston?"

"Derek is with him in C.T., Mark didn't say anything bad. I'm betting that Derek is just being extra careful," she replied with a smile. "We're gonna be fine. Burke is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. I'm the product of an unstable childhood and when things get stressful or becoming a crisis…I feel calm and right at home. We're right at home."

"Yeah…"

"Let's start. We have to control the bleeding," Meredith said as she and Cristina reached for tools to save the man's life. Proficiently, they could work together just as they had practiced in the skills lab. It wasn't the same, but they knew what they were doing. It was better than flying solo and having no clue how to save the man's life.

"Clamp is in place," Meredith told Cristina calmly. "I have to throw stitches to stop the bleeding and fix the vein."

"Do it. I'll cauterize the small bleeders as you go. We can do this, Meredith."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed in hesitant voice as she stared at Cristina. The dark haired woman was worried and not for a moment did Meredith doubt that Cristina was worrying about Burke. Taking a deep breath, Meredith looked at Cristina and smiled.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives," Meredith grinned. "Let's begin."

"Oh, God," Cristina groaned and then laughed. "How freaking cheesy!"

For two hours, the women worked meticulously as they repaired the damage. Solving the problems that arose like they had in the skills lab together, Meredith breathed a sigh of relief as they closed Mr. Carlson's chest and put the last staple in. She looked across the table at Cristina and nodded. It was like they were running a marathon and they were in the last hundred. They were in the home stretch and they were almost done. Together, the two small women managed to shift the man on to the gurney to move him up stairs. Dylan held the door open for them as another member of the squad operated the elevator.

"You disabled it?" Meredith demanded as she and Cristina pushed the bed into the elevator.

"A few minutes ago," he confirmed.

"Thank you," Meredith said sincerely as she smiled at him. "You kicked ass today. Be proud of that, Young."

He gave her a smile back before Cristina and Meredith stood back and watched the door close. Leaving the floor, it felt like Meredith could breathe. They'd gotten through it…the horrible feeling had gone away and she could breathe again. With a ding, the elevator doors opened and Mark stood on the other side with Richard. They helped push the gurney out onto the floor and the moment Cristina and Meredith stepped out of the elevator, Mark pulled them both into a hug and kissed the sides of their heads.

"Don't you two ever pull crap like that again," he said harshly as he held them gently against his chest. "I could kick both your asses right now for giving me a scare like this. Jesus! You two ever pull crap like this again and I _will_ kick both your asses! Make no freaking mistake about it! I think I've gotten more gray hairs from the both of you than I've gotten in a long time!"

Meredith nodded and watched as Webber and a few of the nurses pushed the gurney away with Mr. Carlson.

"I'm going to find Preston," Cristina whispered quickly as she moved away from Mark and Meredith. Mark called out a room number after her and Cristina held her thumb up in the air to acknowledge that she'd heard him. Meredith shrugged on the gown she'd grabbed to wear as a coat and let out a deep breath. Looking around the calming chaos, she spotted the woman who'd been screaming earlier as she'd gotten out of the Ambulance. Mrs. Carlson saw her and looked at her with wide eyes.

"Crap," Meredith mumbled under her breath as the woman quickly came to stand in front of her.

"You're the one who operated on my husband?" Mrs. Carlson asked in a shaky breath. Meredith wanted to shake her head and say no, but Mark cleared his throat and wrapped an arm around her shoulders protectively.

"Mrs. Carlson, this is Doctor Grey-Shepherd," he said quickly. "She and Doctor Yang were in the operating room working to save your husband today during the crisis."

"How is he? Is my husband going to be okay?" the woman demanded fearfully with wide eyes.

"Um…we repaired the bleeding, Mrs. Carlson," Meredith said feeling more nervous than ever as Mark rubbed her arm soothingly. "The bomb was stopping a lot of the bleeding, but it didn't puncture his heart like we originally thought it did. It did cause significant damage to his lung, but we were able to repair that and the major vessels that were damaged. I think you're husband will make a full recovery if every goes smoothly, but I am sure that Doctor Burke will be able to tell you more."

"Thank you," Mrs. Carlson breathed before throwing her arms around Meredith. The hug caught Meredith off guard and she was stiff in the other woman's arms for a moment before she reached up and tentatively patted the woman's shoulder. Looking over Mrs. Carlson's shoulder, Meredith's bluish-green eyes met blue ones and she felt her heart stop in her chest and the weight of what she'd just been through hit her hard. Leaning against the nurse's station, Derek looked just as exhausted as she felt. Mrs. Carlson demanded to see her husband and Mark quickly took hold of the woman and dragged her away to her husband. Walking to Derek, Meredith didn't hesitate when she wrapped her arms around Derek's waist and breathed in his scent. He hugged her tightly to him and being in his arms felt right again…her world felt like it was returned to normal. Meredith felt tears prick the back of her eyes as his hand covered the back of her head and his cheek rested on the top of her head. She could have died, she could have never been with Derek.

"I love you," she whispered. "I couldn't remember if I told you that today and I was so scared of not getting to say it to you. I love you. I love you so much, Derek. I don't even have words to express how much I love you."

"I know, Meri," he whispered back. "God, I love you so much. I was so afraid of losing you. I was so scared I had lost you…"

His voice was thick with emotion and Meredith couldn't stop the tears that fell down her cheeks as she clung to him tightly. She couldn't bring herself to let go of him. She didn't want to let go of him. He was there. He was real…he was all she needed.

"I was so scared that I'd never see you again," she admitted with a sob.

"I know," he replied softly. "I felt the same. It's…"

"I don't want to feel it again," Meredith whispered and she felt him nodded in agreement as she let out a shuddering breath. Pulling away, Meredith yanked off her scrub cap and felt almost like she was going to have a panic attack. Her heart was pounding in her chest and all the panic that she had spent hours in denial about was surfacing. It felt like she could barely breathe as Derek quickly guided her away. People began to stare at her as hyperventilated, but Meredith didn't care. She felt dizzy and faint from the pressure on her chest.

She barely paid attention, but somehow they had ended up back at the intern's locker room. Derek locked the door to the locker room behind him before he gently helped her out of her scrubs. Standing naked under the warm water with her eyes closed, the feeling of panic began to slowly retreat.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to him as kept an arm around her waist. "I'm sorry to panic."

"You're okay," he whispered back as he stood under the water with her. "You have nothing to be sorry for Meredith. Just close your eyes and relax, you're safe. We'll just wash the day away."

"Okay."

"Okay," he replied gently as she slowly bent her neck back and let the water fall over her face.

* * *

_December 25, 2005_

She wasn't sure whose idea it had been to go to the trailer, Meredith awoke to chills. Lying in the bed, she stared up at the window directly above the bed and was surprised to see sunlight despite the chill in the air. Sitting up, she yawned and looked around the empty trailer before getting out of the bed. Grabbing a pair of flannel pajama pants that she'd packed the night before, Meredith slipped them on grabbed the fleece jacket that was Derek's favorite. Opening the door to the trailer, she stepped out in the cool air of the morning and wrapped the fleece jacket around her tightly. The smell of fresh air and the woods greeted her and looking around, she couldn't help but to smile when she saw Derek. He was sleeping in the hammock and Beau was sleeping on his chest. She'd heard the dog barking earlier in the morning and had felt him get out of bed to take care of the dog. Watching, Meredith thought he looked comfortable with his NYU baseball cap pulled over his eyes and it obvious that he was sleeping. Neither of them had slept much the night before. They'd simply held each other…wanting to know the other one still existed and was there. Shaking her head and walking back into the trailer, Meredith retrieved the box from under the bed.

Pushing the sheets back, Meredith opened the box and looked down at the neatly organized pile of ideas. Taking them out, bit her bottom lip before getting up and looking around for the paper shredder that she knew Derek had. Plugging it in beside the bed, Meredith slowly began to work her way through the box and shred every last piece of paper. It was therapeutic and it made her smile. She'd planned the house by herself and it had been painful. She'd been desperate for Derek and she'd needed something to hold to for hope. She'd invested that hope in the box and the contents. She'd invested that hope in a big, beautiful house, but she hadn't invested that hope into the man who'd build the house with her. A home was more than just the contents and the pretty curtains and bed spreads. A home was made with memories, laughter, love…all those things she'd found with Derek. She'd also found someone who'd seen her darkness moments and she'd seen his. They'd lived through dark days and they'd both hurt each other. He'd ignored her and she'd lied to him, but they'd always fought for each other. Meredith knew that without a doubt, he'd always be there…even when she didn't want him to be.

They'd gone through a horrible time.

He'd been…he'd been a bad husband, but Meredith was sure that there were plenty of times where she'd been a bad wife. She'd been cruel to him, she'd pushed him away…the first few months of their relationship had been stormy, but with him…Meredith had found something that she'd never found with anyone else. She'd found a friend, a good man, and a lover that she never wanted to let go of. Pushing the Alzheimer's Gene test through the paper shredder, Meredith felt incredibly light. She felt bright and shiny until she looked down at the box. At the very bottom, the baby blanket that she'd bought sat neatly folded and reaching in, Meredith let the soft fabric brush against her fingertips. The bright and shiny feeling disappeared and there was pain inside her that she didn't know if it would go away. Reaching for the lid to the box, Meredith put it on and slipped the box back under the bed. She wasn't going to cry over that miscarriage…not now…she had to be strong...

"I didn't realize you were awake."

Turning around, Meredith smiled tiredly at Derek as she sat on the bed and pushed the thoughts of the baby away. She wouldn't dwell on the 'what-ifs' of her life.

"You were asleep with Beau in the hammock."

"He walked off and I figured I'd just lay there until he came back," Derek admitted softly. "I didn't really plan on falling asleep."

He walked towards the bed and sat down next to her.

"You know, it's Christmas today," Derek whispered against her ear.

"Merry Christmas," she whispered back before turning and pressing her lips against his. The kiss wasn't furious and it wasn't fast. Instead, it was soft and slow. She felt his hands cup her neck as his thumb brushed back and forth against her earlobe. He simply kissed her lips and each kiss was warm and gentle. It wasn't rushed and it made her feel loved. His hands traveled down her arms and pulled the fleece coat down before he tossed it away. The sweatshirt that Derek had been wearing was tossed away with the coat and Meredith laid back on the sheets. He hovered over her and she looked up into his sweet blue eyes that made her burn with desire. He lowered his lips to hers again and she kissed him with all the love she had inside her.

Her fingers slipped under the t-shirt that he'd been wearing. The feeling of his warm skin against hers made Meredith want more…she wanted all of him. He pulled his lips away from hers and trailed soft, wet kisses along her jaw until he reached the spot behind her ear that always brought a deep heavy moan from her lips. Running her hands over his chest, Meredith raised his shirt and together, they tossed it aside.

"Meredith..." Derek moaned lightly as her hands slipped between their bodies. She quickly undid the button and pulled down the zipper on his jeans. He helped her to push them down his hips and he kicked them away. Naked, he hovered above her before crashing his lips to hers. The softness of his kisses before were fading and a frenzied feeling was beginning to build between them. Meredith could feel the electricity in the air between them as she felt his hands roam her body. Her clothing was quickly stripped from her and the feeling of their skin touching on made her hot with desire.

She pressed her body against his while her hands grasped at his back. Derek hands explored her body as he lavished kisses against her freed breasts. The sensation was almost too much for Meredith as he brushed his thumbs across her hardened nipples. Her back to arch towards him as the moisture between her legs pooled. Derek's pelvis was pressed against hers and she gasped at the feeling of his hardness pressed against her. Meredith nearly cried out when Derek capture one of her hardened peaks in between his lips. He flicked it with his tongue over and over again as the coil lower in her abdomen became tighter.

"Derek..."

Her hands slipped between their bodies again and she felt Derek groaned against her breast when he felt the sensation of her warm hand stroked his length. His lips moved away from her breast and back up her sternum to her neck as his hands moved over her ribs, down her toned abdomen and over her hips. His hands slid up her smooth legs and he grasped her thighs. The unexpected move brought a jolt of pleasure to the apex of her thighs and Meredith cried out when she felt his fingertips brush against the most sensitive part of her body.

One arm wrapped around Derek's shoulders and one hand between him, Meredith rolled her hips against his hand as he balanced himself on his forearm above her. Panting hard, Meredith pressed herself against him as he pushed her hand away. She was so close that she almost swore at him when he moved his own hand away from her damp core. He reached over her and produced a condom from his pants pocket. He ripped the foil with his teeth and rolled the neon blue condom onto his shaft.

"You're never going to get over this whole glow in the dark thing are you?" Meredith moaned as she felt him grind his hips against her.

Derek grinned down at her, "It's the only kind I've ever bought. I've been making sure to carry one on me...in case...I guess, it finally paid off.."

"We're so talking about this later," Meredith gasped as she felt him against her warmth. Without warning, Derek shifted his hips and thrust into her in one stroke that caused both of them to cry out in relief. Her legs locked around his waist and she clung to him. He buried his face in her neck and she could feel him panting against her skin. His body was tense and he groaned as she shifted her hips beneath him. Slowly, Derek eased himself away from her before thrusting back into her quickly. Over and over again he rolled his hips as he established a rhythm that Meredith matched.

They fit together so perfectly and they felt so good. It was like they had been made just for each other and she never wanted anyone else, but him. Clinging to Derek, Meredith let a hand slid between them and rubbed herself in time with his thrusts. She needed to fall over the edge with him. She needed the pleasure…she craved the pleasure that she could experience only with him. Her body was addicted to him and she wanted it all. Derek's mouth sought hers in a hot, frantic kiss that made her forget everything that had happened the day before.

Closer and closer she climbed and just when Meredith thought she would die from the tension in her body, the euphoric feeling of falling over the very edge she'd been teetering on for so long overcame her. Her eyes rolled back into her head as her whole body arched towards Derek. She called out his name as her body nearly convulsed with pleasure and her toes curled. He joined her as second later and she felt tension in his body…the same tension that held her own body. Breathing hard, Meredith looked up at him with hazy, pleasure filled eyes. Derek's eyes were clenched shut and his lips were pressed together tightly as he groaned. Slowly, Meredith felt the tension leave his body as he rested his forehead against hers. She felt tears prick the back of her eyes. She'd almost died the day before. She'd been so close to losing him and her life with him that the intensity of their loving brought to light all the feelings she'd been hiding since the bomb crisis.

"I love you," Derek whispered. "I love you so much."

Softly, Meredith pressed her lips against his and gently ran her fingers through his hair.

"I love you," she murmured as tears pooled in her eyes the moment she pulled away from him. "I've loved you for forever. Nothing will ever change that, Derek. I love you. I have no words to that even come close to how I feel about you."

"I know...I know how you feel. I have no words either. Nothing that comes close enough."

He kissed her again and it felt so right to be in his arms again.

* * *

**You made it! **

**I don't want to sound like a bitch...but, I have probably an average of around 1,000 views per chapter from people all over the world...I give nice, long chapters...that being said, I would love to hear from all you people out in cyber land that are just lurking. I do love writing, but it can be time consuming and I do love getting feedback for the work that I do put in. Plus, I do my best to respond to everyone who does leave a review! I know that their are plenty of authors who don't. That being said, I don't want to sound desperate, but I would love to hear from all you! **

**For those who leave reviews or have left reviews! I'm so grateful to you! It's so nice to hear from you and I do listen and I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story...even those who don't like the story. **

**That being said...Who's ready for a new year? New faces, changes, and plenty of trouble? We've had a nice calm before the hurricane, haven't we?**

* * *

**Response to Reviews: **

**Little Rae of Light: **Thanks for the review! I hope that you're as satisfied as Meredith! I've been planning Meredith and Cristina's operation for quite some time. I really wanted to do something that has never been done with the Bomb Episode and I know that it's totally AU, but I just fell in love with the idea. Yes, I have pretty much butchered Izzie…Glad you liked it!

**Mariemarie22: **Thanks for the review! I hoped you liked it! More is on the way!

**Julie: **Thanks for the review! I hope this one took care of the sex itch! I'm so glad that you love the story! More is on the way!

**Chicagonp2012: **Thanks for the review! So glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!

**Baseballbabe19: **Hope this was steamy enough for you! Glad that you're enjoying the story! Thank you so much for the review! More is on the way!

**Patsy: **They finally did the horizontal mumbo! Yes, Derek and Meredith will be having a baby, but it will be later. As for Izzie…well…I can't give that away just yet. There is plenty of drama coming because GASP! Amelia and Mrs. Shepherd will be showing up soon enough along with a few other familiar faces…Thanks for the review! A lot more is on the way!

**Ellen: **Burke will not be shot! I plan to keep him because I did actually like him and Yang together…I don't know why, but the first like…five seasons are my favorite. He will be staying around, but Owen will show up…just not how you think. Finn…I'm undecided. Yes, there will be lots of fireworks on the way! Thanks for the review!

**Melanie: **I totally didn't intend for it to be 'x' rated in chapter 'x'! Two different kinds of x's! Yes, Meredith is still struggling with her own loss and it will be coming up soon. I don't think that she's ever really, truly had the chance to grieve and deal with what happened, but with the bomb and therapy for them…things will eventually come out. They always do. I'd go back and remember the first episode of season 3…Thanks for the review!

**Fatmathewriter: **Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you love the relationship between Addison and Meredith! I really feel like they could have been friends and I really was disappointed when Addison left. I did genuinely like her and Mark together! As for Mark…I just feel like he'd be one of the biggest diva goofballs in the world if he were real. He always made me laugh on the show! I'm so happy that I have your approval on Cristina! I feel like she and Meredith can be really tricky sometimes and I'm so happy that you think I'm doing her justice! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Japa01: **Thanks for the review! I'm glad that you're able to connect with the characters and enjoy the story! So happy! More is on the way and I'm so glad that you're loving the story!

**Lourdi: **Thanks for the review! I have a few Meredith and Derek cases planned…a big Harper Avery Case…how does that sound? More is on the way!

**Guest #1: **Yes, the calm before the storm…Thanks for the review! More is on the way!

**Carolyn: **I am guilty as charged! I do love keeping you all on your toes! You are right, Meredith is still holding back and I think a lot has to do with grief. She isn't really over what happened and she's trying to sweep away the pain as it were. It will eventually all come to light and they will have to deal with it. As for Derek, he will be making up and he will grow and understand Meredith better as they go through the next few months. This is just the calm before the super storm…HOWEVER, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THERE IS NO SECRET AFFAIR HAPPENING! NOPE, NADA, NOTHING...Thanks for the review;)

**Khi33: **Yes, 9-1-1s are such a bitch! I'm so glad that you love the story! Totally agree on Addison and Mark…should have ended up together and so mad that they didn't! More drama is always on the way…we love drama! Thanks for the review!:)

**Mcdreamyforever**: Thanks for the review! Glad you loved it! I hope you're as satisfied as Meredith!

**Dora: **LOL! Yes, I am too! Let the roof blow, baby, blow! Hopefully this totally lived up to your…x factor, but I promise some fun, rough and tumble scenes are on the way! You are right…about the house…Thanks for the review!

**Susan: **We have official mamboed to the chapter XI! Thanks for the review! I hope that this one totally satisfied you like it satisfied Meredith!

**Guest #2: **Thanks for the review! Hope this was a good bomb for you!

**Jenny: **Yes, Bailey has had her baby…we've survived a bomb…we've made love…that sounded wrong…We will be having Denny, Izzie, a possible situation in which someone may die…It won't be Burke…I can't say for sure, but you are right…I am a such a teasing writer! Hopefully this didn't leave you on too much of a cliff! Thanks for the review!

**Ilovefood893: **Thanks for the review! I can't say that I haven't read too many serious, not so sappy stories here. Sappy and fluffy seem to be very prominent, but few good ones that I've found that I like and are pretty good grammatically:

A Forced to Be Reckoned With by (AU, but totally liked the bad ass Meredith as Chief of Surgery, 1,000+ reviews)

The World Turned Over by Morgen86 (I really liked that one! It's season two and it's really good, I thought. 1,000+ reviews)

Those are two that are right off the top of my head. Some a just a little too sweet for me!

**Gina: **Welcome! Come aboard! I do reply to all reviews I get and gasp! I possibly leave spoilers in the reviews! (Look above there are several). So glad that you love the story! Yes, I do plan to cover many, many places I just felt like the show didn't go or could have gone…I plan to really explore the 'what-if Meredith and Derek had been married before the start' ship. Hopefully this chapter was explosive enough…no one has died…yet…Thanks for the review!

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**SEE YOU SOON! LEAVE A REVIEW! **

**Send your cheers, jeers, boos, tomato thowing, screams, thrills, theories, complaints, and love!**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	11. XI: This Love

**Author's Note: **

**Thank you to everyone who left a review! 32! The most reviews left so far! Thank you so much. This chapter is, again, a long one. It covers cannon ****2x18, 2x19, 2x20. I answered everyone's responses at the bottom. Yes, the story got a new title...I just thought it fit the story plot better. **

**Anyways, enjoy! **

**All errors are my own, sorry!:(**

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**Chapter XI**

"…_This love is good, this love is bad__  
__This love is alive back from the dead__  
__These hands had to let it go free__  
__And this love came back to me_

_This love left a permanent mark__  
__This love is glowing in the dark__  
__These hands had to let it go free__  
__And this love came back to me…"_

~ "This Love" – Taylor Swift

_One Month Later…_

_January 25, 2006_

Meredith was beyond exhausted.

She was so tired that she barely felt human anymore. For the past month, Burke had been pushing her and Cristina to their limits, but they were learning more from him than they'd ever learned alone. They were being quizzed on every surgery and every patient when they stepped into the O.R. with him and he was tough. He didn't accept anything but the best from them and he pushed them.

Hard, he pushed them hard.

For a month, they'd been mostly on his service with two days a week being spent in general surgery with Webber where they were pushed as equally hard. Handing a chart back to a nurse and picking up the last one she had to chart on, Meredith debated if she wanted to go get a cup of coffee or sleep. Rounds had been finished, but she had surgery with Burke in an hour and she knew that she needed to study as much as she could with Cristina before they went to scrub in, but her whole body was screaming at her to lie down just for a few minutes of sleep.

"You know what's going on between Stevens and Denny Duquette?"

Hearing Bailey's voice, Meredith looked up at the woman and shook her head. "Should I?"

"He's a cardio patient," Bailey said as she put her hands on her hips. "I thought that you and Yang would be all over that."

"I am 'all over that'…I'm just not all over whose Izzie's flavor of the month is," she shot back.

Bailey shook her head and pointed her finger, "You and Yang…watch her, Grey. I know you and Yang have the observation skills. Watch out for Stevens and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid."

"You want me to watch out for her?" Meredith nearly scoffed she arched an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Yes, Grey!" Bailey snapped before walking away.

Meredith looked at the room of Denny Duquette and shook her head before trying to focus back on the patient's chart. She couldn't deny that there was something going on and it didn't sit well with her. Alex had confided that there was a flirtation happening between Izzie and Denny. He just didn't know how deep it went, but it troubled him. Meredith knew that he didn't approve of the relationship and she was doing her best to help Alex navigate through the feelings he was experiencing in the aftermath of his brief time dating Izzie.

"You didn't come home last night."

Meredith looked up and smiled. Derek was standing with two cups of coffee in his hands where Bailey had been moments before.

"Coffee?" he asked.

"I love you so much," Meredith mumbled as he walked around the nurse's station. She pressed a quick kiss to his lips before taking a cup of coffee out of his hand. She popped the cap off as she sat down for the first time in hours. Derek grabbed the other office chair and turned the chair around so his back was to Denny Duquette's room as she watched the room.

"You didn't come home last night," he repeated as she looked over at him with grateful smile.

"I would say I was on-call, but that's a lie. Cristina and I spent most of the night studying," Meredith told him before taking a sip of the hot coffee. She moaned as she tasted the hot liquid. It had just the right amount of sugar and creamer in it to make her happy. For the first time, Meredith was exceptionally happy that both she and Derek had taught each other how to make the other's coffee. He'd made it just right.

"Studying for what?" Derek asked with a raised brow before he took a sip of his own coffee.

"Intern exam," Meredith replied as she closed the chart that she'd finished and rolled herself in the chair to put it back on the cart. "Burke keeps annoying Cristina about studying for the intern exams. She finally caved and together, we started studying. I know it's a long ways off, but it's probably a good idea to start now. Most places have a one year internship, but Seattle Grace has a two year and she tried to tell Burke that, but he was so adamant that she and I start studying now."

Derek grew quiet and simply nodded. A quiet Derek was something that always caught her attention. Turning back to look at him, Meredith narrowed her eyes.

"What do you know about that?" she demanded as she put her coffee down. He stared back at her for a moment before he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

He smiled before dropping his voice to a whisper, "I know that I watched a surgical tape with Richard and Burke of you and Yang doing a procedure that most third year cardio residents are just now learning. I also know that Richard is going to ask you and Yang to speak with him to discuss a few things."

"Did she and I do something wrong?" Meredith asked worriedly. "Did we screw up?"

"Meredith, you and Yang did the procedure flawlessly. Burke said he couldn't have done it better himself," Derek reassured her with a smile. "You kicked ass."

"Why does the chief want to see us then?" she insisted with a frown.

"I can't say," he admitted with a shake of his head as he leaned back and reached for his coffee. "As the attending, I can't say. As your husband, all I can tell you is to listen to what Webber offers because it's a good offer."

Meredith nodded and looked out at Denny Duquette's room from the nurse's station.

"I could help you study."

Hearing Derek's suggestion, Meredith looked over at him with an arched brow and a smile. She'd heard those words before, but Derek was never very good at following through on his suggestion. Mark had been her primary study partner for plenty of nights when he wasn't the on-call plastics attending at the hospital or trying to get Addison to go on a date with him. Derek had always been busy working late. Mark had helped her through medical school while Derek had been busy building up his reputation as the country's top neurosurgeon. Mark had been the one who'd sat outside and waited for her while she'd taken her medical boards during school. He'd been the one to help her open her letter that stated that she'd passed. He and Addie had been the one's who'd pushed aside their differences to be there at her medical school graduation. Thinking about it, Meredith felt a mixture of emotions swirl inside her chest and none were as great as the sadness she felt.

"I failed you a lot, didn't I?" Derek said as if reading her thought. "I failed you in New York. I was supposed to be your husband and I let you down when you needed me."

Meredith looked at him and gave him a sad smile, "Yes, you did."

Derek looked resolute though as he looked back at her, "Come home tonight. I will help you, I promise."

"It will probably end up in us having sex," Meredith sighed. "Seriously, it will. That's not studying."

"Would that be so bad?" Derek asked with a grin.

"I would have lost a night of studying. Cristina and I intend to get perfects on the exam. I need to be focused," she replied before she gulped down more coffee.

"You and Yang could take that exam today and pass," Derek told her lightly. "I highly doubt either of you will fail it."

"You never know."

"I know that you and Yang won't fail," he said with arrogance in his voice. The way he said it made Meredith's body tingle with desire and she giggled a little. She couldn't help but to smile. It probably would lead to sex and she would miss studying for the night, but Meredith couldn't stop the porn-y thoughts that were taking over.

"Alright," she agreed with a smile. "I will be home at seven. I'll bring the study cards if you bring dinner."

"Deal," Derek grinned as Mark stopped in front of them holding a card.

"Yang missed this one," Mark said without preamble. "I have no freaking clue how, but she got all flustered…probably because I nearly caught her doing the nasty with Burke. Grey, it's yours for the steal."

"What is it?" Meredith grinned.

Mark quickly read off the question from the card and Meredith answered it without missing a beat. Derek watched with an amused smile as Mark took out a small note pad from his pocket.

"Grey takes the lead with $53,859 and Yang is in second with $52,999." Mark announced as if he were the host of Jeopardy, "You're kicking her ass, Grey. I taught you well. We're having a meeting of the Dirty Mistresses at three in the lobby. Coffee is on me. We'll have a quick score update and we'll pick out next topics to cover."

Meredith nodded and Sloan grabbed a chart before walking away. Mark had heard about them studying for the Intern Exam a few days before and had insisted on helping. He claimed that as a Dirty Mistress, it was his duty to help them and he wouldn't be turned away. He'd stolen Yang's study cards and had devised a game that mirrored Jeopardy to help them study. It was entertaining because part of the game meant being ready at anytime, anywhere for Mark's question. No place was off limits and Mark could call in the middle of the night if he wanted to quiz them.

"I will see you at home for seven." Derek said as he stood up, "Italian takeout?"

"Italian is perfect," Meredith grinned as her pager went off. Taking it off her hip, Meredith looked down at the screen and groaned, "Burke wants me and Cristina to meet him. Pre-op surgery questions…"

"Have fun," Derek said softly as he pressed a quick kiss to her lips before she walked away. He shook his head and wondered if he should get his own set of cards to quiz her and Yang.

* * *

Burke's surgery had gone well and standing at the nurse's station in the main lobby, Meredith mentally prepared herself for the next surgery. She'd seen Bailey roaming the halls and knew that the woman's husband was going home tomorrow.

"Can I have the chart for 2233?" Meredith asked the nurse. She had to scrub in soon and hadn't bothered taking off her scrub cap and had put a gown on as a coat. Meredith intended to prep the patient quickly before meeting with Cristina and Burke for another intense quiz session before the surgery began.

"Don't you look sexy in blue, lover…"

Hearing a familiar voice, Meredith turned around and looked at the ballsy Brit that had spoken. Tall with blonde hair and green eyes, Orion Rivers was a handsome man. He also happened to trouble…lots of trouble.

"What you doing here, Orion?" she said through clenched teeth as she gripped a pen tightly in her hand.

"Webber called and offered me a job," Orion replied with a sexy grin as he leaned against the nurse's station in a tailored gray suit and blue tie. "I am one of the best surgeons in the country when it comes to urology. Does your husband know that Webber hired me?"

"You're working here?" Meredith asked as she put her hands on her hips, "Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse. I hate you."

"Oh, lover, that hurt," he sighed and dramatically held a hand to his chest. "Were you always so cruel?"

"I'm serious," she snapped back at him. "I am happy. I'm married. You don't get to screw that up, Rivers."

"Don't worry," Orion told her with a sincere tone in his voice. "I have no intention of screwing things up. I'm here for work. To prove that to you, you can have this. Besides, I've officially decided to settle down. I'm marrying a woman and I need to start my marriage with a clean slate."

He held out a small flash drive to her that had her name written across the body in sharpie marker.

"What's on this?" Meredith demanded as she slowly took it out of his hands. A horrible feeling filled her stomach as she looked at the blonde man and his smug grin. She briefly wondered how she'd ever been attracted to someone as cocky. What had she seen in him when she was seventeen?

"I think you know," Orion grinned. "I've never seen a more beautiful naked woman in a picture before. The camera just made love to you like I did. All the originals are on there. I assure you, those are all of them and I gave the photos to no one. You were, after all, underage."

Meredith was speechless as she looked at the flash drive that contained the naked photos of her at seventeen. She'd been drunk with Orion when he'd taken out this camera and took photographs of her body and her enjoying his touch. He looked over her shoulder and raised a perfectly waxed brow, "Is there something I can help you with?"

The arrogance in his voice didn't turn Meredith on the way it did when Derek spoke, but it made her curious to know how was behind her. Whirling around, her eyes went wide seeing the one person she never hoped to see again in her life. Tom stood leaning against the counter of the nurse's station with a lazy smile on his face.

"Hello, Meredith."

"You shouldn't be here," she snapped back as her eyes darted around looking for someone to help her get rid of the man before Derek found out Tom was in the hospital. "I cannot talk to you!"

"You want to talk though," Tom grinned. "I like you."

"You have a partner," Meredith hissed back as Orion stood behind her with an intrigued look on his face.

"I swing both—"

The sound of a fist connecting with someone's face and seeing Tom fall to the floor caused Meredith to turn and look at Derek with shock. He was wearing his scrubs and scrub cap and looked incredibly sexy as he swung a punch. Everyone stopped working and looked at them with a combination of intrigue, amusement, and way too much interest. Most didn't even try to hide that they were staring.

"What the hell was that?" she demanded and looked at Derek with shock.

"He's not my patient anymore and I've wanted to do that for a while," Derek hissed in pain as he shook his hand. "Ah, that hurt, but the son of a bitch deserved it."

"Shepherd!" Webber boomed from down the hall. "My office! Now!"

Meredith looked down at the man on the floor and then back at Orion Rivers.

"Can you…you know…help him?"

The British man grinned and nodded. "Don't worry about it, lover. I want the story later."

"Stop calling me that," Meredith snapped before grabbing an ice pack from a supply cart. She followed Derek to Richard's office and closed the door behind her as the Chief scowled at them. Exhaling, Meredith stuffed the flash drive that Orion had given her into her pocket before going to Derek.

"You want to explain what the hell that was?" Richard demanded as he put his hands on his hips. "Why the hell is my chief of neurosurgery punching out people on my surgical floor?"

"That was Tom," Meredith said briefly as she gave Derek the ice pack. He applied it to his knuckles that were bruising already as she collapsed down into a chair across from Webber and next to Derek.

"Who's Tom?" Richard asked.

"The man who took advantage of my drunken wife and kissed her," Derek announced as he let the ice pack sit on his knuckles and scowled out the window to where Tom had been standing before Orion had taken him away.

"I was drunk and I kissed him," Meredith explained to Webber as she rubbed her forehead. "Derek and I were separated at the time. We both kissed people that we should have, but I thought we had moved on from that."

"He shouldn't have been letting you anywhere close enough to be kissing him if he knew you were drinking," Derek told her pointedly before looking at Webber. "In my book, he took advantage of my wife so therefore I punched him. Case closed."

"He was trying to be nice and it was one kiss. I was drunk and I kissed him," Meredith insisted with an annoyed tone. "No one is at fault. He was nice about and nothing happened. End of story."

"Guys who kiss drunken girls are never just nice," Derek told her calmly. "You should know that. If he was nice, he wouldn't have even let you drink enough to get drunk and make a bad decision."

"I thought we had moved on from this," Meredith groaned as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I have moved on," Derek stated bluntly. "I punched the bastard like I wanted to and the case is closed. I'm moved on from the whole thing."

"You put your weight behind it?" Richard demanded as he leaned towards them both with both hands on the desk.

"Yes, sir," Derek nodded.

"Well, alright then," Richard agreed and left the office as Meredith looked up at the ceiling.

"I thought we were passed this," she said tiredly. "I thought that we were over this."

"We are now," Derek asked her with a frown. "Why is Tom at this hospital?"

"I have no idea," she sighed as her fears about Orion came racing back. Derek could not find out about her history with the man of the photos that she'd allowed to be taken at sixteen. Being a teenager had been difficult and with Ellis for a mother…Meredith had been starved for attention. For a whole three months, Ellis had shipped Meredith over to France. She'd spent the entire summer alone in an apartment in Paris with a housekeeper and a driver to be her company. It had only been natural that she'd gone looking for companions. Orion had become a companion of hers. Older, good looking…he'd introduced her to so many different things and had stripped away the last of the innocence that had surrounded her. He'd taught her things that no one else could have taught her. She'd felt awkward at sixteen, but he'd showed her how to be comfortable in her body. It wasn't difficult to understand why she'd liked him at that age. The man had been a caring lover and he'd been the balm that she'd needed at that time in her life to survive. However, he wasn't Derek and there was no comparison to be made. Her feelings for Orion had been nowhere near the feelings she felt for Derek. No man compared to Derek, no man could measure up to Derek.

"Are you all right?"

Meredith looked up at the sound of Derek's voice. He wore a look of concern on his handsome face, but she only nodded. Standing and walking out of the room as Mark poked his head in with a grin. Meredith left the two men alone. She had a surgery to get to.

"Defending your territory…I'm impressed," Mark said as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Webber said you needed stitches."

Derek scoffed with a smile, "Is that what they're all saying now? I was defending my territory."

"I love this hospital," Mark told him with a grin. "I love Seattle."

* * *

It was her three o'clock break and Meredith sat in the nurse's station office alone putting together her patient's mail. She was taking her break from Burke's service, but the patient was dying and he wanted to send hate mail to all everyone he knew. The day felt long and after seeing Orion Rivers, Meredith wondered if the day could get any worse.

"So, I just witnessed a complete blow out between Orion Rivers, Mark, and the Chief from the catwalk," Derek said as he collapsed down into a chair next to her. "You've given up surgery to go into clerical work?"

Meredith's whole body tensed for a moment as she realized what Derek said. Mark Sloan was the only one who knew her history with Orion. He was the only one she'd felt safe enough telling about her dirty past with. To tell Derek…she didn't want him to think less of her. She didn't want him to think that she was a dirty whore who'd slept with every single man that she'd ever met. The thought of him knowing how badly she'd behaved as a teenager…losing Derek's respect wasn't something that she ever wanted to suffer through. It scared her more than anything and just the weight of her secrets was crushing. Her heart felt heavy and she felt like she couldn't breathe. It felt like she couldn't be herself because if she told him…Meredith didn't want to lose Derek if he knew what she'd been like once. She couldn't lose him. Lying to him was a horrible thing to do, but Meredith was certain that living without his love and respect was far worse.

"I am fulfilling a patient's dying wish to send hate mail to everyone he's ever met on my afternoon break," Meredith told him quickly as she wrote out an address on the front of an envelope. "How's your Lionitis kid?"

"Mark and I are in a little bit of a disagreement on how to proceed. The kid wants Mark to fix his face, which he can do, but…the bleeding will be bad. The tumors in his skull…the surgery is dangerous and I don't think that the kid understands it," Derek sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Meredith gave a silent sigh of relief that the topic had been changed. It was what she'd needed.

"He's to look normal…he wants to be normal…I can understand that," she replied with a sigh. "How's Mark?"

"Bitchy as hell at the moment…I think Addison is withholding sex because he's acting like he did the last time she did that," Derek said. "How's Addison by the way?"

"She still hasn't told him and she's terrified," Meredith replied cryptically as she sealed another envelope.

"What hasn't Addie told him?" Derek questioned with a frown.

"Addie is pregnant," she admitted as she sealed another envelope with a tape in it. "She told me back in December before Christmas."

"Are you okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be okay with it?" she asked as she looked over at him. "I'm happy for Addie. She'll be a great mother. She and Mark…they'll be good parents."

Derek looked at her closely for a moment and Meredith shook her head, "I'm fine, Derek."

"It's just…if you feel angry about it or sad…it would be a normal reaction," he said quietly.

"I'm not angry or jealous…us having a baby right now would…it would be wonderful and it would be horrible timing," Meredith admitted with a smile. "Would love to have one, but you and I…we have to put us back together before we add anyone else to the equation. We are not going to be my parents. Instead, we're going to happy and supportive of Addison and Mark."

She could only hope that he couldn't see her sadness. She was happy about Addison being pregnant, but she couldn't stop thinking about her own unborn baby every time she saw the pretty red head. It injured her so much, but she strained herself to be happy around Addison. Meredith refused to be a terrible friend to Addison. Not after everything that they had been through together.

"I'm insulted that you just compared us to your parents," Derek whispered as he leaned forward and nuzzled her neck. "If you're still on break…"

"Stop it," Meredith giggled as her mood improved. "We are not having sex at the hospital."

"A man can hope…"

"You wanna hear something good," she asked with a smile. "You'll laugh."

"What?"

"There's this woman down in the E.R., she's having spontaneous orgasms. Can you imagine how much happier the world would be if we all had spontaneous orgasms?" Meredith said as Derek burst out laughing, "I don't know about you, but I would be a much happier woman if I had twenty orgasms a day. They've been keeping track of them apparently down there and there's a bet to see how many she actually has in one day."

Derek's pager went off and he stood up. Leaning down, Derek balanced himself with one hand on the desk and another on the back of the office chair she was sitting in.

"You know, if you want one of those spontaneous orgasms," he breathed in her ear and no one heard him, but her. "All you have to do is find an empty on-call room and I'll help you. Trust me, sweetheart, the orgasms I induce are much better than those spontaneous ones her body is giving her."

"Go away," Meredith said in a gasping breath. "You're testing my will power and we are not having sex here. People talk about us enough and we will not turn into Cristina and Burke who have sex everywhere."

"They're newlyweds," Derek said as he straightened up. "It's a rite of passage."

"Have a good afternoon, Doctor Shepherd," she replied with sass as he walked out of the nursing office with a grin on his face.

"Have a good meeting with the Chief," Derek called to her over his shoulder before he disappeared around the corner as she smiled at his back.

* * *

Meredith stood outside a nice looking house in a neighborhood not far from her own home. The houses weren't as large or impressive as her mother's, but they were still nice. She'd parked the Mercedes that Derek had insisted she drive on the curb outside the house. The Jeep had died earlier in the month and instead of repairing the car, they'd both agreed that she'd drive the Mercedes that had been parked since the summer and sell the Jeep. White with a black leather interior, Meredith had forgotten how nice it was to have a luxury car until she'd stared driving it again. Taking a deep breath, Meredith walked up the pathway to her father's house and rang the doorbell. She wasn't sure what to expect, but seeing him through the glass door brought back a flood of memories that hit her hard. Many of the memories were flashes. She was young and they weren't full memories…just flashes of being happy with her father.

Thatcher Grey opened the door and looked at her with wide eyes as she stood on his front porch.

"Hi," Meredith said quickly. "I'm—"

"Meredith," Thatcher replied with a slight smile on his aged face.

"I…I just wanted to see you. My husband…he's a neurosurgeon and he…we just moved here from New York City and I…I just…I just wanted to see you one time. I haven't seen you in so long that I'd forgotten what you looked like," she told him shakily as she nervously twisted her wedding rings on her finger.

"You're married?" Thatcher observed in awe as he looked down at her hands. "Those are beautiful rings."

"Yes," Meredith breathed. "I, uh, celebrated my seventh anniversary in September. My husband…his last name is Shepherd…so... I'm Meredith Shepherd now."

"And you're happy?"

"You know how marriage can be…it has its ups and down, but yeah…I'm happy with him. I love him and he loves me," she admitted feeling tears in the back of her eyes. "He's…he's everything to me."

"That's good."

"I have a question," Meredith continued quickly as she fought back her tears. "I don't know if you'll be able to answer it, but I just…I want to know why you never came after us. Why did you never come after her when she took me across the country? I know that she an affair with Richard Webber, but you just left me with her one day and you walked out. Didn't you care that she took me away from you?"

"Meredith," Thatcher said in a calm voice as he stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind him. "Is there anything you need? Anything, anything at all?"

"No," she said quickly as distress flooded her heart. "No, that's not why I came. I just…I'm gonna go. I told my husband that I'd be home for dinner and I don't want to be late. It was good to see you again, Thatcher. Take care, I wish you the best."

Quickly turning on the expensive heels that she wore, Meredith let out a shaky breath as she walked to the Mercedes and got in. Not looking at Thatcher's house, she pulled away from the curb as rain drops began to fall. Telling herself that she would not cry, Meredith drove home and parked her car next to Derek's BMW in the driveway. Rushing to the door, she ducked inside before the rain could start down pouring. Beau was barking happily as she scooped him up. She could hear The Clash playing softly in the kitchen and smiled when she saw that Derek had set the table for two. Putting Beau down, she smiled when he walked over to her.

"I'm sorry. I'm a little late," she told him as she pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "How does a bath sound after dinner? You, me and bubbles…lots and lots of bubbles and maybe even kisses."

"I thought we were going to study," Derek grinned at her as he put the bowl of pasta on the table.

"I'm not in the mood," she replied with a shrug. "I…I just…I don't want to think about anything this evening. I just…I just want to relax with my husband. Is that wrong?"

Derek searched her eyes for a moment before he cupped her neck and gently brushed his thumb over her earlobe. Meredith closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his touch.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked her softly.

"I saw Thatcher today," Meredith admitted with tears in her eyes as he cupped her neck with both his hands gently. "I saw my father for the first time in twenty-one years and he doesn't even invite me into his house. He just asks me if I need anything. It was awful and I don't want to study. I don't want to think about how awful today has been. I just want to forget. I want to forget about my father and I want to forget about my conversation with the Chief."

Derek took her into his arms and she cried. She cried because it had horrifying. Seeing Thatcher had hurt because he hadn't cared for her. He hadn't fought for her and it made her heart ache. She'd been abandoned to Ellis, the mother who'd never wanted her, and she'd been neglected. Neglected and alone, Derek had been the one to pull her up and out of the darkness. He'd shown her what it meant to have a family and his family had become her family. Seeing Thatcher again had reminded her of what she'd gone through as a child. He reminded her of all the darkness she'd done her best to bury and the ghosts that she done her best to let go of. He reminded her of pain and distress. She felt like a five year old girl all over again, crying out for her father as Ellis had dragged her through the airport. The memory made her heart ache in pain.

Meredith pulled back and leaned into Derek's embrace.

"I have an idea," he said softly as he brushed her. "You'll like it."

Staring up at her husband in a confused way, Meredith didn't question Derek when he told her to change into athletic gear. She didn't say anything until they arrived at that their destination.

"This so stupid," Meredith told him as they stood together on the soccer field of a local park it was dark, but the stadium lights had been flipped by the timer that controlled them.

Dressed in workout clothes, both she and Derek stood facing the goal with their cleats on. In the background, Derek's ipod played on shuffle with different classic rock songs from the 70's and 80's. His ipod had none of the modern pop music that she liked. The stark contrast of their likes in music had always made her wonder how the hell they'd ended up together.

"We used to have fun doing this," he grinned at her as he lined up the dozen or so soccer balls that they owned on the line. "What word are we spelling?"

"What's the point of this?" Meredith demanded as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"You told me that you wanted to just forget everything for the night. This is us forgetting," he told her. "What word are we spelling?

"What are the rules of this game again?"

"You miss the goal, you get a letter. First one to spell the word loses," Derek said with a grin. "Refreshed your memory? We used to have fun doing this! I lost a lot of money to Mark because we played this game and you won!"

"Fine," she laughed as she locked down at all the soccer balls Derek had gotten out of their storage unit. They'd played this game often enough in New York when they'd first gotten married, but it had been years since they'd kicked a soccer ball around together. Soccer had been a mutual love of theirs for a long time and she'd loved it as much as he did. She could still remember Derek and her going to soccer matches in New York.

"An easy word to start with?" Meredith grinned at him, "Scalpel."

"It can't be work related," Derek laughed. "We're on a date, remember?"

"This qualifies as a date?"

"You used to love doing this for a date!" he exclaimed. "I have plenty of memories of you begging me to play this instead of going out to some fancy uptown restaurant. I'm trying to create the fun and magic that we used to share over this game. Go with it, Meri."

"Fine," Meredith conceded with a grin. "How about…bubbles? That's what I want after this. A nice, warm bubble bath…"

"Do I get to join you?" Derek asked sounding like he was half teasing her and half hopeful that she'd say yes.

"Only if you beat me," Meredith smiled.

"Game on! I will beat you because you will spell bubbles first!"

Derek lined himself up for the shot and kicked. The ball went sailing through the air before bouncing off the top bar and rolling away from the goal. Meredith whooped out in joy as she jumped up and down.

"You have a 'b'!" she told him with a grin before kicking the ball in front of her. It sailed through the air perfectly and fell into the net.

"That was a luck shot!" Derek smiled as he pointed at her. "Lucky shot. Beginners luck! You haven't kicked a ball in months."

"You talk a lot of smack for someone who has a 'b' already," Meredith grinned back as all the worries that she'd been experiencing slipped away. "Go on! Kick the ball!"

* * *

Her back resting against Derek's chest, Meredith closed her eyes as he felt him place feather light kisses on her neck and the back of her head just above the bun that held her hair back. His arms were wrapped around her and the warm water felt good against her skin. His touch felt so good and she moaned softly when his teeth grazed her ear lightly. He'd lost at their game, but she'd still let him take a bath with her. She needed him and she wanted him.

"Tell me about your conversation with the chief," Derek murmured as he pressed kissed against the junction of her neck and shoulder. She couldn't help it as her mind drifted back to the conversation that she'd had after lunch with the Chief and Cristina…

_Sitting anxiously with Cristina, Meredith kept her legs crossed and leaned on her elbow against the right side of the chair. She looked over at Cristina who mirrored her position as they waited for Webber to enter the office. They didn't have to wait long and a few moments later, Richard entered and he closed the door behind him. Both women stood up from their seats, but Richard shook his head. _

"_Sit down," he told them gently. "Neither of you is trouble."_

_They both let out sighs of relief that the other didn't know they'd been holding. Feeling a little more relaxed, Meredith resumed her seat and looked expectantly at the man who'd become a father figure to her as a teenager and young woman. _

"_You two are the finest interns that I've ever seen," Richard began as he sat back in his leather chair behind his desk. "I have never seen two interns perform an operation under such stress like you two did a month ago. I haven't seen two interns so advanced that they could perform such an operation. You both scored nearly perfects on your exams throughout your years of medical school and you both graduated in the number one positions. Grey, you were number one at Columbia and Yang, you were number one at Stanford. That's why I called you both to talk with me. You both are brilliant minds and I want you to change to face of medicine. Seattle Grace Surgical Program is ranked as the second best in the country behind John Hopkins and I want you both to shine bright for the world to see. I want the world to see that I have two of the best students in the country as surgeons on my floor. You two are the best."_

"_Chief?" Meredith asked with a confused expression. "I don't understand."_

"_What I want to do has never really been done before at this hospital," Webber explained to them both. "I want to fast track both of you. Grey, Yang…you both have the endurance and discipline that the others lack. You both work hard and you know you're good. I discussed it with the board and with all the attending doctors here at this hospital and we believe that you're both ready to specialize. I know you share a love for cardio and Burke wants you both to be his students. You'd spend three years as his students specializing in cardio-thoracic surgery. Twice a week, you'd spend time with me focusing on general surgery and learning everything that you can about that. You're both ready, I think, to do this. You're far more advanced than your peers and you have an extensive knowledge of many different surgeries and what to do in critical situations. If you agree to do this, you'll take your intern exam this spring. As you know, we do a two year internship. Instead, the two of you will do one. You'll also take a second exam that a team of attending doctors in New York created for me as well. There are conditions though."_

"_What are the conditions?" Meredith asked feeling already anxious to begin. _

"_You both have to have the number one and number two ranking on the intern exam," Webber answered. "You both have to have 80% passing on the second exam."_

"_And if we do complete that?" Cristina asked quietly._

"_You'll spend the first year with Burke learning everything that you possibly can about every procedure that he knows. You will also do surgeries with him and be his exclusive residents. You'll be the only ones that he's teaching. During your second year, you'll continue to learn under him and you'll do supervised solo surgeries. Burke has already come up with how he'll teach and he'll explain more to both of you if you both pass the intern exam with the ranking of one and two. Your third year, you'll do your own solo surgeries without Burke present, but everything will be reviewed in tapes. At the end of the third year…you'll take your boards. Burke believes that you'll be ready by then," Webber told them. "It's a lot, but I want you both to think about it. In order for this to happen, you both have to agree to it and have the ranking of one and two. This will not be easy. It will be hard and you both will be pushed to the limit and then some, but I think that in four years…including this year…you could be great surgeons. Think about it and let me know soon."_

_Meredith nodded and looked over at Cristina with excitement in her eyes…_

Meredith told him about the conversation as Derek kissed her neck.

"I'm guessing that you already knew what it was about, didn't you?" Meredith moaned softly as Derek's hand traveled under water and caressed the junction between her thighs.

"I did," he admitted softly. "Richard had all the attending put their input in before he went to the board. It's been done before in other places, but never at Seattle Grace. You're good enough that they're willing to make an exception."

"Cristina and I are going to cram seven years of residency into four," Meredith gasped as he rolled her clit between his thumb and index finger.

"You and Cristina are third year residents in an intern's body. You both are number one ranked students from top medical schools in the country that are far more advanced than any intern that I've ever seen and I've seen lots of interns, Meredith."

"I do want to do it," she panted as he kissed her neck and brushed his fingers against her clit. "I can't think when you do that, Derek."

"Don't think," he whispered in her ear as his other hand slipped under the bubbles and the water to gently cup her breast. "You told me that you didn't want to think tonight."

"We're supposed to be having a mature, adult conversation," Meredith gasped as he lightly tugged at her nipple as he applied pressure to her clit. "You asked about my conversation with the Chief and now, were supposed to discuss it like normal people."

"We're naked in a bathtub. How the hell do you expect me to have a mature, adult conversation with you when all I can think about is you and me naked together?" Derek breathed in her ear as Meredith gripped the sides of the tub as his fingers began to move faster in a circular motion. Meredith felt her head fall back onto his shoulder and she clenched her eyes shut tightly as he massaged her breast. Her toes curled and she resisted the urge to clench her thighs together to hold his hand in place.

"Don't stop," she moaned as he kissed her neck. "Derek…"

She couldn't think about anything else except the coil that was tightly knotted low in her belly. It was unraveling and the feeling was exquisite. He pushed her closer and closer to the edge and when she finally fell over the cliff into the abyss of pleasure, Meredith swore she would die from the pleasure. Resting back against Derek, she breathed heavily as she came down from the high that he'd induced her body to have. She could barely think straight as he wrapped his arms around her and placed lazy kisses along her neck.

"You should do it," he told her. "You are the best. You deserve the best and Burke is one of the best. He'll give you and Yang a world class education that you won't get anywhere else. Seattle Grace is ranked as number two in the county for Cardiology and Heart Surgery behind the Cleveland Clinic. They might have the ranking, but Burke is world class and he's won plenty of awards to prove it. He can teach you things that you wouldn't learn at Cleveland Clinic."

"I thought we weren't having an adult conversation," Meredith panted as she lifted her head and looked over her shoulder at him.

"You told me you wanted spontaneous orgasms." Derek grinned. "I was going for spontaneity."

Meredith couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled to her lips as she turned around and kissed him. Derek had always had a gift of being able to make her laugh even on her darkest days. It was just one of the many things that she loved about him.

* * *

_January 26, 2006_

"Did you and Yang talk to the Chief yet?" Derek asked as he walked next to her down the hallway. Meredith sighed as she handed over the scans that O'Malley was supposed to have picked up for him an hour ago. She was playing the errand runner every time his intern failed to do his or her job and it was rapidly becoming annoying.

"Why do I get the feeling that you only paged me to talk about that?" she groaned and pulled her hair back into a bun at the base of her neck. "I was with Cristina and we have a patient with a huge mass around him heart. I'm missing out on that to play errand runner for you."

Derek smiled back at her, "It's not fair that Burke gets the hospitals best residents."

"Here's your scan and no, Cristina and I haven't talked to the chief," Meredith told him sternly. "It's something that we should discuss at home or with Wyatt, Derek. It's an important decision and it shouldn't be rushed."

He looked at her and gave a sigh, "You're probably right. I just want you to have the best because you deserve the best. Burke is one of the bests and he wants to teach only you and Yang. No one else, Meredith…that's something, when a world class surgeon says he wants two of the best and no one else. He'll make you and her into the best."

"I know you think I deserve the best, but Derek…we are just getting back on our feet," she replied softly as they crossed the catwalk. "We almost lost each other and I do not want to go through that again. We have to make sure that we can make our marriage and everything else work."

"Do you want to do this?" he asked her as he held open a door for her. "Be honest Meredith, do you want to do this residency with Burke?"

"Yes, I do," Meredith admitted as the continued down the hallway towards the surgical floor. "I was up all night thinking about it and yes, I do want to do it with him, but we—"

"We will work together and get through this," he told her in all seriousness as the stopped in front of an on-call room. "We will work, Meredith. You and I…we don't walk away. No matter what and yes, the next three years…they will be hard and intense, but I can't let you turn down an opportunity like this. I won't let you do it. When I had opportunities like this in neuro…you pushed me. You wanted me to achieve more than I ever thought possible and you wouldn't let me back down. You've believed in me and supported me and now, it's my turn. I believe that you can do this. I believe that you've earned it and yes, it will be hard and we will probably spend plenty of nights sleeping in the on-call rooms together because you can't come home…we will get through it. We've been at the worst and you and I…we'll keep seeing Wyatt through this because you deserve the best education there is and Burke can give that to you. So say yes to the chief, Meredith."

Meredith bit her bottom lip as she hugged herself, "Can we please talk this over with Wyatt? I don't want to say yes until I'm absolutely sure that you and I are strong enough to get through this. It's one thing to be the best, Derek. However, if being the best means that I risk losing my husband and our marriage falling apart again…I can't go through that again. It's that simple."

"Okay," he told her softly. "I will call Wyatt and set up a meeting for later this week. Okay?"

"Okay," she nodded just as her beeper went off. Looking down at it, Meredith groaned. It was the last thing that she needed to happen today.

"What it is?" Derek asked with concern.

"Denny Duquette was just readmitted. That was Cristina letting me know so I can keep an eye on Izzie for Bailey. Bailey thinks that Stevens is having an unprofessional relationship with Mr. Duquette," Meredith explained tiredly. "I'm on babysitting duty until Burke's new patient agrees to surgery. I have to go."

"You want in on this kid's surgery if Burke's patient doesn't consent?" Derek asked as she returned her pager to the waist band on her scrub bottoms.

"Uh, no," Meredith said as she gave him a smile, "I have to talk to Addison today and I've fulfilled my minimum amount of neuro hours already. I'm sorry, Derek. I know I'm disappointing you. How does dinner later sound?"

"You're not disappointing me," he told her with a gentle smile. "Dinner later sounds good."

"That's perfect," Meredith said as she quickly kissed his lips before walking off towards the elevators to figure out what the hell was going on with Denny Duquette and Izzie.

* * *

Meredith didn't make it to the C.I.C.U. like she'd planned. Addison tracked her down and yanked her into an exam room with Bailey who was balancing her baby in her arms.

"This is what I get," Addison cried as Meredith looked under the cover that was giving Addison some privacy as she sat with her legs in stirrups.

"She's got poison oak on her vah-jay-jay," Bailey announced as Meredith looked between the women with confusion.

"Why am I here?"

"Because you're supposed to be my friend and be supportive," Addison cried as tears streaked down her face. "Which you've sucked at being lately, I don't know what the hell your problem is!"

"My problem is that you haven't told Mark about the baby. How the hell am I supposed to be all mushy and gushy happy for you when you haven't even told Mark about the baby? I'm also supposed to be in the C.I.C.U. monitoring Izzie Stevens," Meredith pronounced as she looked between the two women. "How the hell am I supposed to be in two places at once? And how the hell did you get poison oak in your vah-jay-jay, Addison?"

"I went running the park! I had to pee because I'm freaking pregnant. I squatted and now, the universe is screwing me over! My husband and I get into a fight about not having sex. I'm petrified that if I do have sex with him that I'll miscarry again. He won't talk to me and because I'm pregnant, my hormones are all over the place," Addison continued as she cried. "This is karma! All I wanted was a few minutes of peace and this is what I get!"

"Oh, no, no, no," Bailey groaned as she looked up at ceiling. "Don't cry."

"This is what I get!" Addison cried as she pointed at her vagina. "This is what I get! This is what I get!"

"Don't cry! Please, don't cry! _Please_, do not cry," Bailey insisted loudly as Meredith stood back and watched the scene unfold. She was beginning to feel like she'd stepped into another dimension as Addison cried louder.

"Stop!" Bailey snapped, "Stop! You're gonna make me lactate."

Just as she said the words, the front of Bailey's light blue shirt darken over her breasts and Meredith arched an eyebrow at the whole situation.

"Grey!" Bailey snapped second later as Addison sobbed her apologies, "Get me some damn gauze and go deal with Stevens. I can handle this."

"Okay," Meredith said, not completely sure if she believed Bailey's words. Giving Bailey the gauze, she slipped out of the exam room and nearly walked into Mark.

"You seen Addison at all today?" he demanded in a gruff voice as he held a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Uh…if I say yes, what are you going to do?" Meredith questioned. "More importantly, what do I get."

"I want to talk to her. She's been acting funny and I've been on a sex ban since before Christmas. I'm getting a serious case of blue balls and I'm afraid I might start asking you to help," Mark replied with a snort. "She and I might have fought about having sex last night."

"She's in the exam room," Meredith said as she pointed over her shoulder. "Has poison oak where no one wants it and she has something to tell you. I'll give you my congratulations ahead of time. Give me the coffee, now."

Marks eyes went wide before he nodded and hand over the coffee. He opened the door and Meredith could briefly hear Addison's tears before the door blocked out any noise. Quickly going to the cardiac intensive care unit, Meredith found Cristina at the nurse's station and stood next to her and sipped on Mark's signature bone dry cappuccino.

"You paged?"

"Barbie is in there. All over Denny," Cristina scoffed in disgust. "It's kind of sick."

"Yeah…well…I don't know what to say," Meredith sighed tiredly as she rubbed the back of her aching neck. For a brief moment, Meredith wondered if she could go home and beg Derek for a neck rub later. The man had magical fingers and could do things to her body that she never dreamed possible. If he wasn't able to help, she'd call in the second string neck rubber, Mark.

"I may have crossed a lot of lines with Burke," Cristina hissed. "But, I have never done what she is doing."

"Agreed," Meredith muttered. "Alex is in there with her."

"Alex has been in love with her since day one," Cristina murmured back. "Izzie is…God…she could ruin her career!"

"I know," Meredith groaned as she rubbed the back of her neck, desperate to work out the tension that was growing in her muscles.

"What are we discussing?"

Both women jumped and turned around when they heard Burke's voice. He was looking at them with a raised brow and had a chart tucked under his arm.

"Nothing," Cristina said quickly with a shrug , "Nothing that you'd want to hear about, Preston…just girl stuff."

Burke didn't look fully convinced, but he nodded after a few seconds and walked away. Meredith let out the breath that she was holding and shook her head.

"We have to do something," she murmured as she watched Izzie flirt with Denny.

"We are," Cristina shot back. "We're reporting to Bailey and Bailey can take care of it. What else can we do? We're still interns."

"I just…I have a feeling about this whole thing," Meredith whispered. "Something just feels off and I don't want to watch. It's like I'm watching a car crash about to happen. There's nothing that we can do to stop it because if we do try to do something…she'll deny it and make our lives hell."

"I'm going to ignore the situation and report back to Bailey what I see and let her do the rest," Cristina said in a hushed tone as Izzie left Denny's room. "Meredith, we have other things to worry about."

"I know…I just…"

Watching the room, Meredith shook her head before grabbing the chart that she needed for Burke's other patient. She felt…wrong about watching Stevens and she felt as if she was obligated to say something to Izzie. Walking away from the nurse's station, Meredith let out a long sigh and suddenly wished that she'd said yes to working with Derek. She didn't want to see Izzie and she had a feeling that the woman would be around a lot more than usual with Denny being back in the hospital.

* * *

_Two Days Later…_

_January 28, 2006_

"What did you think about what Wyatt said yesterday?" Meredith asked as Derek wrapped an arm around her shoulder. They were walking Tiger Mountain Trail with Beau. It was early in the morning and still chilly, but the sun was rising and the sight was stunning as it mixed and mingled with the skyline of the forest. Wrapped in a warm wool coat, Meredith had the morning off before she had to be at the hospital. Derek had the day off completely and she envied him. Rubbing his hand up and down her upper arm, Derek pulled her in and kissed her temple as she wrapped her arm around his waist trying to absorb some of his warmth. Being close, touching…it was something that they did far more often since the bomb. It was as if they were reminding each other the other person was still there. They were reminding themselves that they hadn't lost each other…that no one had died.

"I think she made some very valid points," he admitted as they watched Beau sniff the pathway in front of them. "We have gotten better at communicating."

"We have," Meredith agreed with a nod. "We have gotten better at being open, but we still have to work on actually spending time together on building a foundation outside of the hospital. We fail to do that and I can see where she is right about doing that. We keep saying that we'll make time for a date each week, but we don't really."

"Agreed," Derek said as he let out a deep breath. "Now that we've talked to Wyatt about you doing this accelerated residency…I'm not having second thoughts, but I think that we need to lay more stones down to protect what we have."

"We, uh, we never really talked about timelines and stuff like she suggested," she said suddenly feeling nervous for some unknown reason. "We do a lot of talking, but we…we have to follow through."

"Where do you see us in three years?" Derek asked her. "Wyatt asked us that question and neither of us answered and I was just wondering if you had thoughts about it."

"Professionally or personally," Meredith teased with a smile.

"Personally," Derek murmured.

"Mmm," Meredith said softly as she pressed her lips together. "I see us in a beautiful house that we've built and I see us with maybe another dog. We're happy. We're doing what we love and maybe…we're considering starting the family that we hardly ever talk about planning."

"I had kind of the same vision," Derek admitted with a gentle smile at her. "Great minds think alike."

"How many kids?" Meredith asked him with a grin. "We've never had an exact number and…well…I just want to know how many you have in mind."

"I was thinking four," he said seriously.

"Four? Four kids!" Meredith laughed as she let her forehead rest against the side of his neck, "And are you going to help birth these four kids? Promise me you won't faint in the delivery room."

"Hear me out," Derek laughed back. "I've given this some thought."

"Okay," she smiled as he pulled her closer to him. "I'm listening."

"One kid? That's a lonely life. Two kids? They might like each other or hate each other's guts. You can never know. Three kids? Someone is always going to be stuck in the middle of the fight and that's not fair. Four kids? Well, it's a rounded number and everyone has a playmate at the end of the day," he reasoned with a grin. "See? I've given this thought."

"You have," Meredith replied as her tone turned serious. "I do want to have a family with you, but in the next three years. Derek if I do this residency, I don't want to have a child right now. It wouldn't be fair to the baby, it wouldn't be fair to you and it wouldn't be fair to me. I want to wait just a little while longer."

"I agree with that," he murmured as he hugged her close. "I want us to have a family when we feel like the time is right. Not before, I want us to feel comfort and secure about bring a child into the world."

"So, I have to go see Addison about birth control," Meredith said as Derek nodded, but he looked worried. Being on birth control increased her risk for stroke and she knew that Derek didn't like her having that risk. Not after the scare she'd had in her second year of medical school. She could still remember Mark taking her to New Presbyterian because of the slurred speech she was having. They'd scanned her brain and they'd found the beginning of a clot. They'd been able to treat her with just medication, but Derek and her had both agreed that she would stop taking birth control.

"We could just keep using condoms," he suggested quietly. "There's nothing wrong with that."

"You just aren't ready to give up you're glow in the dark ones," Meredith smiled at him.

"Maybe," Derek teased before he grew serious. "Talk to Addison about different options. Just don't…just be aware of all the risks, okay?"

"How about you come with when I go see Addison?" Meredith suggested, "We can make the decision of what birth control we use together, okay?"

"Okay," Derek replied as he let out a long breath.

"We should probably get a housekeeper," Meredith added after a moment of silence had passed between them. "We're never at home and…well the house doesn't get cleaned on a regular basis and poor Beau is stuck there all day alone. We eat take out all the time…maybe we should consider that for an option as well. Wyatt said that we should problem solve on things that give us stress and I do sometimes worry about the dog at home and the house being unattended. Besides, I hate having dust. I can't stand it. We had a really good house keeper in New York. I do miss Mrs. Lovett. We're both busy…it's just a thought."

"It's a good thought. I hadn't even considered that option. We should look into it because God knows how often we're home," Derek sighed.

"What are other things that are stressors for us?" Meredith asked out loud as they ambled down the stone path. "Wyatt suggested thinking about those things and going from there."

"Withholding ourselves from each other," Derek said quietly. "I just think back to why things got bad before and it was because we stopped being intimate with one another. We cut ourselves off from one another and it was physically and emotionally. It's…for us…it just feels like it sometimes goes hand in hand, Meredith. I feel emotionally close to you when I'm physically close with you. Whether it's from sex or just spending a few minutes with you and when I'm not…when we stop being physical and check ourselves out from coming home or calling each other or just…it feels like we disengage and cut each other out. Not all couples are like that, but that's how we are…I think."

"I can see that," Meredith agreed softly. "We are physical people…we always have been. Words were never our forte, but we've been good at the physical stuff. Everyone says I love you in different ways."

"We just can't withhold ourselves from each other anymore. It's okay for us to steal time for ourselves and be together. I've realized that. I used to feel guilty at the hospital when you'd come to visit me. It was when I wasn't coming home and you came because you needed me. You needed my affection and I withheld it because I felt like I should have been working on my patients. We need to allow ourselves to spend time together. Whether we're curled up in an on-call room together or going out to dinner…we need to make time for us to…reconnect and it doesn't always have to involve sex. It can be just holding hands as we walk to the car," Derek told her as Beau sniffed around the bottom of a tree.

"I think that's a good idea and observation. I think that we also need to make sure that we speak up when we feel like we're not getting what we need out of marriage," Meredith said softly. "That's what I think about when I look back. We let things get bad because we didn't speak up to each other and share what we needed from our marriage. If I do this residency…we both have to speak up when we need something or when we're not getting what we need. It's important for our sake's."

Strolling down the path, Derek smiled down at her.

"What?" Meredith asked as she grinned back.

"I like this."

"Like what?"

"I like us talking. I like that we have…I think us going to Wyatt was a good idea, Meredith. I feel like I know you better than when I married you. You and I…we haven't talked about things like this in years," he murmured before he pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

"We accept the love we think we deserve," she whispered to him. "And we no longer accept the relationship that we had before. You and I have decided that we are worth more than anything else. I do like the talking and you are right. I feel better by putting the effort in."

"We didn't share anything today," Derek smiled.

"I'll go first," Meredith said as she cleared her throat. "I'm terrified of failing. I'm really scared that if I do this, I'll fail."

"You won't fail," he reassured her. "I know you won't."

"What's your thing for the day?"

"I worry that once we become parents that we'll lose ourselves. We'll get so caught up in being parents that we won't take care of our relationship like we need to. I just don't want us to lose each other again. I hear that sometimes from my sisters. They complain about having kids and how their kids just…dominate their lives. They have no time for themselves or their relationship and it scares me," Derek admitted. "It makes me nervous sometimes."

"I feel the same way," Meredith confessed. "Being a parent…it scares me sometimes. I don't want to be my mother."

"You know, there is no one I'd rather be nervous and worried with then you," Derek smiled. "We don't have to think about that for a while anyways."

"I know…we just have to settle on a number because if we are going to build this dream house, we need the right amount of bedrooms," Meredith grinned at him as he tucked her closer to his side as they walked the trail.

* * *

_Two Days Later..._

_January 30, 2006 _

"You paged?" Meredith asked as she came to stand in the doorway of the office behind the nurse's station in the C.I.C.U.

"Thank God," Cristina moaned. "He won't stop crying."

"Here," Meredith sighed as she took Baby Tuck out of Cristina's awkward hands, "You have to hold him like this. He has to be a part of you to feel safe."

Holding the baby to her chest, Meredith slipped her arm around Tuck's tummy and put an arm under his bottom to support him. His back rest against her body and the wailing that had been grating on everyone's nerves stopped as the baby looked around his surroundings. Holding the baby almost physically hurt her. Plastering a smile to her face, Meredith looked at Cristina as she bounced the baby in her arms.

"See?" she said, "Not so bad."

"Take him for the day?" Cristina questioned with a hopeful look in her eyes. "Bailey dumped him on me. He hasn't stopped screaming. I'm horrible at this."

"Fine, but I want all the good surgeries for the next month," Meredith bargained knowing that having Tuck around would be painful. She realized how torturous it would be to have a baby around her all day. It would be like a constant reminder of her own loss, the baby she never got to hold.

"Deal," Cristina said grudgingly as Meredith's beeper went off summoning her to the pit. Going through the baby bag quickly, Meredith grabbed a few essential things that she'd need and slipped them into her scrub pant pockets. She'd babysat enough nieces and nephews with Derek in the past seven years to know exactly what a person could do without and what was absolutely needed when it came to babies. Holding Tuck in her arms, Meredith went down to the pit and smiled at the nurse.

"You paged?"

The E.R. nurse smiled and Meredith had a feeling that she was in for a good surgery.

* * *

Standing on the catwalk with Derek, Meredith bounced Tuck in her arms as Derek looked at Sylvia's M.R.I. with intrigue written all over his face. She'd known the moment that she'd seen the woman's M.R.I. that Derek would be in heaven.

"He stabbed her with his fork?"

"In his defense," Meredith said somberly. "She clamped down on his…you know what."

Derek gave a sympathetic wince, "Mmm…I'd probably stab too."

Tuck gave a little whine and Meredith shifted him in her arms so that the baby could see the people passing by around him. She'd learned the trick from her sister-in-law, Liz. Babies liked to be able to see around them and she could already tell that seeing people kept Tuck as intrigued as Derek was as he leaned on the railing and examined the scan while watching the people below them.

"What the hell did you do?" Derek whispered to her with a smile. "How'd you end up on babysitting duty for Bailey?"

"It was me or Yang," Meredith said quietly. "You think that I'm gonna leave a baby alone with Yang? Bailey would kill me."

"Good point, have you had him with you all morning?"

Meredith nodded as he offered her another bite of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Biting from the same corner that he'd been working on, Meredith shifted Tuck in her arms again. She had been with the baby all morning and it had been emotionally exhausting. Just holding the child was hard. It took all the focus that Meredith had in her to complete her work and observe Izzie like Bailey had wanted her to. Her mind kept drifting back to that awful night in November and all she could think about was Derek's child.

"Can you take him?" Meredith asked after a moment. "I just need to rest my arms for a few minutes."

"Come here, big guy," Derek smiled as he lifted Tuck into his arms and snuggled the baby close. Meredith took the sandwich and M.R.I. scan from him as she fought the wave of misery that hit her as she stared at her husband holding a baby. Derek was meant to be a father and it both warmed and broke her heart to see him with Tuck.

"Have you seen Stevens with Denny Duquette?" she asked him quietly as she rested her forearms on the railing of the catwalk and looked out at the lobby…anything to avoid looking at Derek and the baby, "The LVAD guy?"

"No, why?" Derek questioned as he turned around and let Tuck look at the people like she had.

"Something is going on," Meredith said as she took a bite of the sandwich.

"You think Stevens is crossing a line?" he asked with a concerned look on his face.

"I think that when Bailey asks me to keep an eye on the situation, I do," Meredith replied. "I just…Stevens is always in there and she was playing scrabble with him on her break and any other time that she was free. I'm sorry, but that just…it just…something is off and I'm worried that it will compromise her judgment, Derek. I can understand why Bailey is worried."

"How long have you been watching?"

"Long enough."

"Hmm…"

Derek didn't say anything as Meredith quickly finished the second half of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich before she took Tuck back into her arms with a painful throbbing growing in her chest as she held the baby. Holding Tuck…it was a torture that she hadn't anticipated on being so distressing inside. It was as if all the emotions, the tears, the trauma from her miscarriage were racing to the surface and she was silently drowning as she tried to be strong. She couldn't let others know she was hurt.

She wasn't weak.

"Did you see Sylvia Booker's blood work by chance?" Derek asked with a curious look on his face. "I have Stevens on my service today and now that you've explained to me why she's so distracted…"

"I brought you the aneurysm," Meredith smiled a little at him as she shook her head. "I'm not your intern for the day and I am not at your mercy. You owe for finding that for you."

"It is a little bit like a late Christmas present," Derek grinned. "Not that the box of cigars that you got me at Christmas wasn't good, but you liked the basket of soaps, shampoo, lotion, bath fizzles…everything that I could find that was lavender scented. You loved me for that gift."

"I want steak dinner tonight. Nice restaurant with a really good bottle of red wine," Meredith bargained as she grinned back at him in amusement. "Hot sex afterwards will go a long way…maybe then I can be persuaded to help you."

"You'll be on the case with me? Scrub in?"

"I don't know many attending here that would be okay with me having a baby to take care of today. You, I can guilt and shame should I have to. Worse case scenario, you have to come home with me and I can torture you there. So, yes. I would help you and observe your surgery."

Derek laughed and gave a quick, sweet kiss to her lips, "Deal."

"I will go find Sylvia Booker's blood work and everything else from Stevens," Meredith smiled before walking away with Tuck in her arms as pain and distress hemorrhaged from her heart.

* * *

"I have to say something to Izzie Stevens," Meredith said quickly as she scrubbed out of Sylvia Booker's successful surgery with Derek. "I have to."

"I'm on a surgical high right now," Derek replied and she ignored him and continued to talk.

"I can't just stand there while they build this case against her and not say anything," she reasoned.

"I want sex. Now…in the scrub room, so please, drop your pants," Derek announced trying to get her attention.

"I have to say something, right?" Meredith demanded as she looked over at Derek

"Grey!" Mark boomed from behind her as he held the door open. "I got us and Yang booked at that Vietnamese spa across town for a mani and a pedi next week at three for Valentine's Day. We've got lunch before that at this new little winery I found. You game?"

"Sure, whatever," Meredith said without looking behind her.

"Excellent!" Mark called back and walked away, taking out his phone.

"I have to say something, Derek. She won't listen to me, but—"

Her eyes went wide as she looked up at him. "You are genius!"

"What'd I do?" Derek asked as he looked at her with a confused expression on his handsome face.

Meredith kissed him on the lips, "I have to go. I have to get Alex to talk to her. Stevens will listen to him."

She rushed out of the scrub room and left Derek standing there with a confused smile on his as he watched her flee. He was still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened and part of him wondered if he really wanted to know what was going through Meredith's mind. It seemed like a dangerous place to be sometimes.

* * *

It was late when Derek finally got home. He'd been pulled into an emergency surgery with Webber and his stomach was protesting at having gone so long without food. Dropping his keys into the small dish that he and Meredith used, Derek went to the kitchen and smiled seeing that Meredith had ordered Italian take-out for the night. Re-warming the food, Derek looked up when he heard a loud thumping noise coming from the back porch. Opening the screen door that joined the kitchen to the porch, he was surprised to see Meredith holding a hammer and attempting to beat a small flash drive.

"What are you doing?" he asked as she swung the hammer down again and missed the flash drive.

"Erasing the past," Meredith breathed heavily as she turned and looked at him with the hammer still in her hands. "It's very therapeutic."

"Uh-huh," Derek said as he leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms over his chest. "What are you erasing?"

Meredith dropped the hammer down onto the old wooden table that had been her demolition mat and placed her hands on her hips.

"We haven't done the thing in a while," she told him quickly. "The thingy where we both tell each other different things that we wouldn't normal tell the other person. We listen, don't judge…don't yell…"

Derek looked at her with small frown, "What's wrong?"

"I'm freaking," Meredith said rapidly. "I'm freaking out because I have something that I have to tell you and I'm terrified that if I tell you, you won't love or respect me anymore. I'm also freaking out because I don't know how mad you're going to be at me for what I have to say and you yelling can be intimidating at times. It's awful, Derek. I've done a lot of dumb crap in my short lifetime, but I think this takes the cake—"

"You're rambling," Derek said calmly with an amused smile. "It's cute. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

"I slept with him when I was seventeen. I was in Paris after my mother abandoned me there for the summer. I was lonely. I didn't think I'd ever see the British prick again," she blurted out. "It's bad."

"Who? What?" Derek said with a confused expression on his face. "That statement doesn't explain why you're attempting to beat the hell out of the flash drive. Meredith, you're not making any sense."

"I may have done something stupid as a teenager," Meredith admitted with a wince. "You don't get to be mad at me. I was seventeen and stupid. He gave me the flash drive as a peace offering. Webber hired him and he told me that he's not here to cause trouble."

Derek's eyes went wide and he opened his mouth to say something, but they both turned when they heard the door bell ring. Watching Derek push himself off the door frame and turn, Meredith followed quickly on his heels wanting to know who was at the door. Dropping the hammer down on the kitchen table, Meredith heard Derek open the door and froze. The voices she heard were very familiar and the last thing she wanted was people in the house as she tried to have a very serious conversation with Derek about the naked photos of her that Orion had taken years before. Going to living room, Meredith stood there as she watched a tired looking Carolyn walk into the foyer followed by an exhausted looking Amelia. She wanted to wince because judging from the look on Derek's face, he wasn't pleased to see his drug-addict sister. His beeper went off a moment later and he tugged it off his belt before he looked down at it.

"Excuse me," he murmured in an icy tone, "I have to go."

Derek grabbed his wool dress coat and his keys before he kissed Carolyn's cheek. He left the house without a word and Meredith threw herself down onto the couch. Groaning, she rubbed her forehead as Amelia turned to look at her.

"How the hell are you married to my brother?" the youngest Shepherd girl demanded. "He's got a stick up his ass all the time and an ego the size of a large planet. How do you do it?"

* * *

**Where to begin...nude photos and an ex-lover, secrets, sibling issues...and you all thought we were out of the storm with smooth sailing...LEAVE A REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MEREDITH'S LITTLE PROBLEMS AND DEREK'S DISPLEASURE AT SEEING AMELIA...**

* * *

**Responses to Reviews: **

**Little Rae of Life: **YES! SHE GOT LAID! In response to your question, Meredith and Derek did actually stop having sex for a period of time and prior to that, Derek was very much the absent husband in New York. In my mind, Meredith wouldn't have been too concerned about birth control. HOWEVER, THE WHOLE CONDOM THING WILL COME UP AROUND VALENTINE'S DAY…who knew that they could break so easily? I'm so glad that you loved the flashbacks and you enjoyed the story! More is on the way! Thank you so much for you constant support and review! It truly makes this such a wonderful experience!:)

**Oulipo19: **Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you loved the update. I'm glad that you loved how the code black went. It was the turning point that I think everyone was waiting for and I was planning it for a while, so it was kind of nice to see that the build up to it was worth it all. I'm so glad that you do like the fact that both Derek and Meredith have made mistakes. They're human and married and they have problems like everyone else. That was kind of my motto when I started writing this story and I'm so glad that it shines through in the chapters! Thank you again! More is on the way!

**Jenwa85: **Thank you! I'm glad that you like the long chapters! Thank you for the review!

**Khi33: **Thanks for the review! I think we were in the eye of the storm…now, we've got Amelia, an ex-lover in town and whole other slew of issues that will be arriving, but YES! Derek has seen the light and opened his eyes…McDreamy is once again well.

**mcdreamyforever: **Thanks for the review! Mark and Meredith are so much fun to write together! I'm so glad that you liked the whole code black incident. More is on the way!

** : **Thanks for the review! So glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!

**Baseballbabe19: **Thanks for the review! So glad that you liked the chapter! Amelia is one of my favorites too and I can't wait to bring her into the story! I hope you liked her start! I'm really excited to explore her relationship with Derek. More is on the way!

**CileSuns92: **Thank you so much for the review! I'm so happy to hear from a reader! I do respond to all reviews, so if you have any questions, comments, concerns…shot and I'll do my best to answer. I'm so glad that you liked the chapter! It was by far one of my favorite ones to write. It was a lot of fun to rework it. I did want to reveal a little bit of Meredith and Derek's past. It's been such a mystery. Getting to reveal some of it has been fun and the response has been great. More will be revealed from both sides. Yes, Derek as McDreamy is coming back. I think he's really beginning to understand that he was an absent husband for a long time and he's really trying to change and give Meredith what she needs. I was hesitant about posting the story for all the reasons that you gave, but the idea of them not being the gold, dreamy couple just really appeals to me because in so many stories they are this perfect couple and something about that just bothers me. I'm glad I wrote this because seeing Meredith and Derek go through real marriage problems that people can relate too has been an experience.

I was always disappointed that Mark and Addison never got together. I'm so glad that you think I've gotten everyone down well. I'm glad because I was nervous about getting the characters right. As for Meredith not being in neuro, I had several reasons. First, when she and Derek arrive, they were in such a bad place that I don't think that wanted to be together and work was their escape. Secondly, Cristina's marriage to Burke lets them bond over the trials of being outcasts together. Thirdly, Meredith being in Cardio brings her out from behind Derek's shadow. She gets the chance to prove what she can do on her own without him or his help and I think that it's important to her as a wife to be able to do something outside of Derek. His career has been very dominant in their marriage and Meredith being in Cardio gives them both a chance to take the distance that they need and not mix their work and marriage together. I think Meredith points it out to Derek early on and it's a valid point to her feelings about what she needs in order to feel like she's successful in her own right.

Thank you so much again for the review! I'm glad you're enjoying the story! More is on the way and I promise to always do my best to reply to everyone!:)

**Guest#1: **Thanks for the review! So glad that you're loving the story!

**Welovemerder: **So glad that you loved the chapter! More is on the way! Thank you for the review!

**Guest#2: **Thanks for the review! I was planning for her to be caught up in the bomb originally, but with the direction that we're moving…believe when I say she will be caught up in some other things. Glad you liked the chapter! More is on the way!

**Patsy: **Thank you for the review! I'm so glad that you loved the chapter! Yes, you are right. Meredith hasn't dealt with the emotion trauma of her miscarriage and going through that alone and keeping it a secret. She does want it all. The house, kids, happy marriage…I just think that she's almost being her own worst enemy by not talking about it. The miscarriage will be coming up. I promise and she'll be dealing with it. I'm sorry we didn't cover Christmas, but I had to move the story forward…

As for the other stories, I am so honored that you think I am that good to be ranked with them. Thank you! You made my day by saying that! I'm so happy that so many people are enjoying this story even though so many people were against it at the beginning! Thank you! Thank you!

**Lourdi: **Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you loved the chapter! It was a long one, but I really liked how it ended. I always wanted Cristina to stay with Meredith…their each other's persons and I just couldn't imagine Cristina leaving Meredith in this version of the Code Black. Together, they kicked ass and proved themselves which was important. More is on the way!

**Japa01: **Thanks for the review! I'm thinking this story will probably be in forty chapter range. I can't be really sure quite yet. I do have another story in the work that I think will be different. I kinda want to explore the idea of Meredith getting pregnant just as Addison arrives in Seattle…who knows what will happen.

**Guest#3: **Thank you for the review! More is the way! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story! Hope this chapter didn't disappoint!

**Guest#4: **Thanks for the review! A baby will be here…eventually. I promise, but we have a few more…mountains...to pass over to get there.

**Ilovefood893: **No problem! I'm happy to help! I'll let you know if I find any other stories that are worth reading! I'm a picky reader and yes, some stories are just so cavity inducing sweet! Thanks for the review!

**Mariemarie22: **Thanks for the review! So happy that you liked the story! More is on the way!

**Melanie: **Thanks for the review! Yes, Meredith and Derek are getting back to a better place…Wyatt's therapy is beginning to help, but I don't want to ruin your daydream…As for Meredith going back to neuro, I don't plan to do that. She and Cristina proved by doing the solo surgery that they don't need their husbands to be successful and I feel like she's going to finally start earning the respect of her peers. By going back to neuro, she'd lose all she's busted her ass for. Besides, she and Cristina kick ass together. Let the New Year begin!:)

**Guest #5: **Thank you for the review! I'm glad that you liked how code black went! More is on the way!

**Hasi2012: **Thanks for the review! Yes, some of it was predictable, but it was needed for future chapters. You're right too, problems are not over just because something horrible happened…Meredith's past has shown up in Seattle and Derek is in for several bombshells himself. It will never be easy! More is on the way!:) Glad you enjoyed the chapter!

**Dora: **Yes, we are in for a hell of a time with exploring. I hope that you'll like where the story is going. The new year will be filled with all kinds of challenges and drama…hope you'll enjoy it! Thanks for the review! More is on the way!

**Guest#6: **Thanks for the review! I can't say it's unhealthy because when I find a story I like, I do the same thing. No judgment! No shame! Bailey did have her baby, I just didn't write about it. Dylan did live, Meredith speaks with him before she and Cristina go up on the elevator. She tells him that he kicked ass for diffusing the bomb. Addison's pregnancy will be playing a large role in upcoming chapters because it's becoming very clear that Meredith hasn't dealt with her miscarriage and seeing Addison pregnant will have a very profound impact on her as well as a few other things.

**Snv3: **Thank you so much for the review! I'm so glad that you enjoyed the chapter! Yes, Meredith hasn't had the chance to really grieve. Seeing Addison pregnant will have an impact on her as well as the poor baby from 3x01. As for the cardio twins, they totally kicked ass! I felt this was the right moment for them to prove themselves and I'm glad that you approve. As for the ferry arc? I can't give that away…maybe it will be Derek instead of Meredith…who knows…

**Jenny: **Thank for the review! Glad you loved the chapter…we had no resolutions, but we have a post-it coming…I know that a lot of people want Meredith to go back to neuro, but her being separate from Derek takes her out of his shadow and gives her a chance to prove herself. Her being in neuro would turn into people claiming that she's being favored and such and I think that she'd try to avoid that at this point after all gossip about her being married to Derek. Plus, I think she and Cristina kick ass together. More is on the way! Glad you enjoyed!

**Darkpurplefairyprincess: **Glad that you love the story! More is on the way! Thank you for the review!

**MerderCute: **Thanks for the review! Yes, they are taking steps and making process, but that has to be cemented and tested and we will be testing that foundation hard…

**Patsy #2: **Thanks for the second review! I changed the name of the story because I felt that it fit better. Secondly, I'm not abandoning the story. I promise!

**Melanie #2: **Thanks for the review! Yes, I changed the story title and I'm sorry for causing you a trial…More is coming!

**Susan: **Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you like the new title. It just felt like it fit better with the story. It described the story better and I think that more people won't be so nervous to read it. I've had several reviewers say that they kept passing the story over because of the title. As for the New Year? Hold on to your cap…we're in for a ride.

**Spicerin: **Thank you for the review! I agree, the title fits much better. I'm so glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way! I'm so happy to get to share this with everyone! I have another story in the works right now and I think everyone will like it!

* * *

**See you next Saturday!**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	12. XII: Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

**Author's Note:**

**Thank you to everyone who left a review! I am doing much better. All you're support is wonderful! This chapter covers 2x21, 2x22, 2x23. Hope you enjoy! I didn't respond to everyone's reviews, but please know that I am thinking of you and I'm so grateful for your support and I'm so happy to know that you're all enjoying the story!**

**Thank you so much!:) **

* * *

**Chapter XII**

"…_Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting_

_Silence, the train runs off its tracks_

_Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen? _

_Hang up, give up_

_For the life of us we can't get back…" _

~ "Sad, Beautiful, Tragic" – Taylor Swift

_January 31, 2006_

"This plan is going to work," Meredith insisted as they walked side by side down the hallway with Mark. "It has to!"

"It better," Cristina snapped. "We're giving up freaking surgeries for this! Surgery, Meredith!"

"You think that I don't know that! It sucks for me too! So yes, I am very aware of what we're giving up! Besides, you need time away from Burke."

"Bullshit! He brought George-freaking-O'Malley home with him!" Cristina moaned. "We're supposed to be newlyweds and I can't have sex on the kitchen counter with O'Malley living there! Besides, do you really think that Alex can work a miracle on Stevens?"

"I don't know what to think," Meredith snapped back. "I don't know what to say or do because Stevens doesn't like us and she's too stupid to see that she's making a huge mistake that will end her medical career. So, yes! I put Alex into play to try and stop her before the Chief fires her. Do I know if it will work? It's too soon to say."

"Ballsy move, but I'll give it to you…you have a plan. How long are we gonna be on freaking plastics?"

Meredith and Cristina rounded the corner and nearly walked into Mark as he stood in front of Addison. The red head looked healthy, glowing, and fabulous. Meredith had never seen Sloan with such a grin on his face as he leaned down and kissed his wife's cheek. He was proud as a peacock for getting Addison pregnant and he never failed to remind people that his boys could swim.

"I have good juju," Addison said with a smile as offered them all a coffee cup from the carrier she had in her hand. "It's hot chocolate."

"Thanks, Addison," Meredith smiled as the pregnant woman walked away. The whole hospital was silently freaking out. They'd had three deaths already that morning and it was shaping up to be a bad day. Burke's scrub caps were missing and Derek's scrub nurse was already out with the flu. Both surgeons were in bad moods, add in the arrival of Amelia the night before…Meredith had decided that the best strategy for dealing with Derek was to keep her distance.

"Coffee," Cristina groaned in despair as she stared down at the hot chocolate. "All I want is coffee."

Mark turned around and looked at them with a small grin on his face, "You two need to at least try and act like you want to be on my service. Don't bitch. Just drink your hot chocolate and enjoy the day."

"This plan will work," Meredith hissed to Cristina as Mark turned away. "It will!"

Before Cristina had a chance to reply, all three beepers went off and they all quickly went towards the E.R. where they'd been paged 9-1-1. The story would later be that Alex had used the phrase 'dead quiet' before all hell had broken loose down there.

* * *

According to the morgue guy, people died in sevens and three. Having spent the entire day in Sloan's O.R. with a man that had tried to save a little girl from a horrible car accident, Meredith was happy that the day was almost over for her. She hadn't seen Derek since Carolyn and Amelia had shown up the night before. The history between brother and sister was long and complicated. Amelia still hadn't admitted as to why she was in town with Carolyn, but Meredith had a very bad feeling that it involved making amends to Derek or asking for a job. Neither thing was something her husband wouldn't be receptive of given his history with his sister. Letting out a long sigh, Meredith nearly groaned when she heard a voice that she didn't want to hear.

"Is Denny okay?" Izzie demanded as she stood at the nurse's station with an aggressive look on her face. "Were you in on his surgery? You and Yang had to be. You're the cardio twins."

Izzie's interruption made Meredith look up from the chart that she'd been writing on and scowled, "I'm trying not to be late getting home and you're annoying me."

"Denny's surgery! Is he alive?" Izzie yelled as slammed her hand down on the counter next to her. Meredith jerked and turned to face the blonde model with narrow eyes. The entire Denny situation was quickly getting out of control and Meredith had almost reached her limit.

"It is none of your damn business if he is okay or not," she snapped angrily. "Do not think that by yelling at me and slamming your hand down that you can intimidate me or threaten me. I did not scrub into that surgery because I was on a different service all day. You were with Burke all day, you should know about Denny. Cristina Yang didn't scrub in on that surgery either."

Handing the chart back to the nurse, Meredith turned and without another word, left Izzie standing alone. She had reached her limit for the day and there was nothing else that she wanted to do except to go home and snuggle up with Derek. They had things to discuss that involved his mother and sister and she doubted that it would be a pleasant conversation.

* * *

The first thing that Meredith noted about her house when she walked into it was darkness. Everywhere was dark except for the kitchen. A light was shining from there and dropping her keys and tote, Meredith slowly dragged her exhausted body towards the light. Carolyn sat alone at the kitchen table with a hot mug of tea. Steam came off the top as the older woman had her hands wrapped around the body of the mug. Her eyes were red and Meredith could see that her mother-in-law had been crying.

"Hi," she said softly as she leaned down and kissed the woman's cheek.

"I have dinner for you in the stove," Carolyn smiled tearfully. "I made meatloaf. It was always Derek's favorite."

Meredith nodded and quickly made herself a plate before sitting down with Carolyn at the dinner table. The house was eerily silent as she took a bite of the meatloaf and moaned in appreciation. Carolyn's cooking was always good and Meredith was so grateful that Carolyn had taught Derek how to cook.

"Where is everyone?" Meredith asked after a few minutes of silence between the two of them.

"They had a horrible fight," Carolyn explained with a tired sigh. "Amelia's medical license has been suspended for six months. She can't operate and she wants Derek to hire her as a second neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace once her suspension is lifted. Derek…he just lost it. They started fighting and they both said horrible things to each other. Amelia assassinated Derek's character and pointed out every single flaw that he has and Derek…he told Amelia that he didn't think he could trust his drug addicted sister to be around patients and not kill them. Derek got an emergency page and Amelia went to an NA meeting. She has almost six months of sobriety and I'm so proud of her."

"I am too," Meredith smiled. "She's doing great."

Carolyn closed her eyes and let out a choking sob as Meredith rubbed her mother-in-law's back. She could only imagine just how badly that fight went. Only in town a day, Amelia and Derek were already at each other's throats. It wasn't anything new. Amelia and Derek had always rubbed each other the wrong way, but fighting enough to make Carolyn cry was new for them.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked softly. Looking at the woman who was her only mother figure in the world, Meredith reached for a napkin when Carolyn burst into tears.

"I failed them both," the woman sobbed. "I failed them both after their father died. I was so caught up in my own grief that I failed them."

"You didn't fail them," Meredith reassured her. "I know you didn't."

"I did, Meredith," Carolyn cried. "Derek and Amelia should have been in therapy together after it happened. It was so traumatic for both of them. Amelia was scared of loud noises for months after it happened and Derek…he was so angry. He still is angry. Maybe if I had thought about them instead of myself…"

"Derek is angry that the men who shot his father were never found," Meredith said calmly. "And Amelia…we all choose how we deal with our pain. Amelia chose drugs. That's on her, not you."

"Max was good a father," Carolyn said quietly. "He was a good man. Derek…God, Derek is so much like his father. Sometimes…when Derek answers the phone…I think I'm listening to Max's voice again."

"I'm sorry," Meredith murmured softly as she covered Carolyn's hand with her own.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Meredith. I remember when Max was killed. I had this horrible…I was terrified that Derek and Amelia were dead too. The police wouldn't tell me until I reached the hospital. Amelia was terrified of hospitals and I remember walking into the E.R. and Derek was sitting on the gurney holding Amelia in his arms. She was sobbing, but he was just sitting there and holding her like his life depended on it. After Max's funeral," Carolyn told her in a shaky voice, "Derek and I sat together at the kitchen table. We'd gotten back from the service and everyone was exhausted. The girls had all gone to lie down and the only thing Derek had asked for all day was a sandwich. I made him one and he just sat quietly and ate it. When he finished, I asked him how he and Amelia hadn't been hurt. He looked at me and told me that he'd grabbed Amelia and he'd covered her mouth with his hand. He'd hid them behind the office wall and he'd put his body between Amelia and the door opening. He'd watched the entire robbery while he'd held Amelia to his chest. He told me that he'd done exactly what his father would have done."

"Your son is a good man," Meredith smiled as tears fell down her cheeks. "He is the most wonderful man I've ever met. You have never failed him."

"Thank you," Carolyn said tearfully. "I think that Derek is afraid of losing her. He's afraid of losing Amelia to drugs. It's why he's so…tough with her. He's always wanted to keep all his sisters safe and Amelia isn't like Liz, Nancy, and Kate. I think it scares him. That's why I came out here with her. I want to heal them. I don't want them to go on like this. I know that Derek loves her. He used his body to shelter Amelia without a thought and he's always wanted what's best for her."

"I think you did the right thing in bringing Amelia with you to Seattle," Meredith replied as she squeezed Carolyn's hand. "Max…he'd be so proud of Derek if he could see the man that Derek has become."

"He would be," Carolyn agreed. "Max would be proud of Addison for making Mark an honest man too."

Meredith laughed because it was probably true, "I'm so glad you're here to help with Addison and the baby. Mark will need you. Can I show you something?"

Carolyn nodded as Meredith stood up. Leaving the dining room, Meredith retrieved her Valentine's Day gift for Derek and set the small leather box down on the table. She'd wanted to find Derek the most meaningful gift that she could for Christmas, but she'd hit several snags. Only now was the present complete and she wanted Carolyn to be the first to see it.

"If you want this back, Carolyn…it's yours," Meredith said softly, knowing that she had to offer the gift up. "I wouldn't want you to feel like I've taken something that belongs to you."

Carolyn nodded before opening the top of the black leather box. She gasped and tears fell down her cheeks.

"How did you get this?" she demanded softly. "I thought that it was lost. That's what the police told me."

"It took a lot of phone calls," Meredith admitted with a laugh. "I finally convinced an officer to release it to me. Max's case…it's been marked as unsolved and NYPD doesn't think that they'll ever be able to solve it. So, I asked for it and they gave it to me. Savvy picked it up for me in New York and she had it shipped here. It arrived after Christmas and it took some time for the watchmaker to fix it, but he managed it."

Both women stared down at the Rolex watch that Carolyn had saved and saved to buy her husband as a birthday gift. Silver, roman numerals that lined the clock face. A small box gave the date where the three on the clock face should have been. The glass face that had been shatter had been fixed and the bent clock hands had been reshaped. Polished, the silver metal wrist band had been restored and no blood was visible anywhere on the watch like it had been when Meredith had first received it in the mail. She could still remember telling the watchmaker how important the watch was to Derek.

"He loved this watch when he was a little boy," Carolyn admitted with a tearful smile as she picked it up and held it in her hand. "I remember how he used to try it on and walk around the house with it. He told me that he wanted a watch just like it someday."

"I hope he likes it. I don't want to bring up horrible memories for him. Maybe…maybe the watch can bring him some closure," Meredith murmured. "I had the back of it engraved if you want to look at it. It's the only thing that I had changed to the watch. Everything else has been restored or the exact same piece has been replaced. I wanted to keep the watch exactly like Derek remembered it."

Carolyn flipped it over and smiled when she read the back of the clock body.

_Max_

_Beloved Father_

_Lost, but always loved_

"Thank you, Meredith," Carolyn murmured tearfully as she hugged Meredith. "Thank you for loving my son. He'll love this and I can't imagine him having any other reaction to it. He'll love it, Meredith."

Hearing the woman's reassurance, Meredith hugged her mother-in-law back feeling just a bit more reassured that everything would be alright. She knew that she'd made the right decision in having the watch restored for Derek.

* * *

_February 1, 2006_

"Ah! Doctor Bailey!" Derek grinned as he stood next to her. "It's good to have you back."

"He's mommy tracking me!" Bailey snapped at him and Derek took a step back. He knew the crazed expression that Bailey had on her face. He'd seen the expression plenty of times when he'd dealt with Meredith after her having seen Nancy. Having four sisters…he knew crazy. That was part of the reason that he'd gone into surgery. Surgery was quiet and efficient. In surgery, he had no sisters trying to set him up with women. Before Meredith, he'd enjoyed his brief relationships with woman and he'd had plenty of friends with benefits. His sisters disapproved of his lifestyle at the time, but the moment he'd brought Meredith home to meet them…the crazy had gone off like a nuclear bomb and the only place Derek had ever found the peace and quiet that he wanted was in bed with his wife and the O.R. where he saved lives in.

"Excuse me?"

"Shepherd, look at the board!" Bailey said in a tone that told him she thought he was an idiot. "And don't look at me like I'm crazy!"

"I've had a lot of crazy," Derek replied as he put his hands on his hips. "I'm married. I have four sisters. I have crazy every day of my life. I know crazy. You look crazy."

"Look at the board!" Bailey snapped loudly and Derek jumped.

"Okay," he said as he turned around and stared at the surgical board, "What am I looking at?"

"My name isn't up there," Bailey said with an edge in her voice. "It wasn't up there yesterday and it won't be up there tomorrow."

"What'd you do?" Derek joked as he turned around to look at her. "Piss off the Chief?"

"Yeah, I pissed off the chief!" Bailey snapped at him. "I went and created life! I gave birth! Surgeons don't do that! I'm assigning yourself to your service today. I've got Yang and Grey with Burke."

"I wouldn't expect them to be anywhere else," Derek murmured in amusement because the woman was freaking out.

"Karev is with plastic's Sloan and I've got O'Malley with the other Sloan," Bailey continued as if she hadn't heard his comment. "Stevens has the day off. So, I'm with you today."

"On one condition," Derek said with a grin as he held up a finger. "Meredith and Cristina have Valentine's day off. Burke and I are taking them out to dinner and the ballet for a double date."

"Fine," Bailey replied grudgingly as she scowled at him. "Just take me with you. I don't care."

"Let's go," he smiled and Bailey followed him down the hallway. "We're gonna have fun today."

* * *

"I can't believe she's here on her day off!" Cristina hissed, "Seriously! I thought you said that Alex could fix this!"

"It wasn't a hundred percent fix!" Meredith hissed back as they sat in the C.I.C.U.'s nurse's office. Through the large glass window, Meredith and Cristina could see Izzie sitting on the end of Denny's bed as they played Scrabble.

"It's disgusting," Cristina mumbled as her pager went off.

"Burke?" Meredith grinned as a telling smile came over Cristina's face.

"Shut up."

"The joys of being a newlywed," she teased. "Sex anywhere, anytime! Enjoy it."

"Oh, bite me."

"Have fun," Meredith said as she stood up from the office chair that she'd been sitting in. "I'm going to get some lunch. I'll see you in the scrub room in an hour before surgery."

Going in opposite directions, Meredith wondered down the hallway to the stairwell and quickly went down two floors to the main floor where the cafeteria was. Picking out an ice cream bar and small container of chocolate milk, Meredith grinned to herself. Derek wasn't there to push rabbit food on her and she could eat whatever she wanted. Paying for the food, she quickly left the cafeteria and made her way down the hallway. Dodging anyone that she didn't want to see, Meredith was surprised to see a woman waiting in the stairwell when she pushed the door open. Pretty and blonde, the woman reminded her of someone, but Meredith couldn't figure out who it was.

"You look just like her."

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked with an arched brow.

"You're mother, Ellis Grey."

"And you are?"

"I'm Susan Grey," the woman answered softly. "I'm Thatcher's wife…you're stepmother."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said quickly. "I'm not…Thatcher isn't my father. He's just the man who's D.N.A. I share. Nothing more and nothing less, Mrs. Grey…so, please, leave me alone."

"The night you came to visit…he was up all night thinking about you," Susan told her quickly. "He really does care about you."

"Really?" she scoffed. "He really cares about me? You know what, you don't know me. You have no idea what I've been through. You have no idea what my life was like as a child with Ellis Grey for a mother and if you did, you would not be on his side. You would not be standing there trying to make me pity him for abandoning me to years of neglect and emotional abuse at the hands of that woman. You do not get to stand there and try to make me feel like I owe him something because I owe him nothing."

"He just…we have two daughters who want to get to know their sister. Thatcher and I…we're going to be grandparents to a baby girl soon and we'd like her to know her Aunt Meredith. You are family to us," Susan replied gently. "We can be your family."

"I already have a family and for six weeks, Thatcher was a grandfather last year. In all honesty, I have no desire to go sit at a pregnant woman's bedside and be reminded exactly of what I lost. So, no I don't need a family and I don't need you or Thatcher. I have a family. I am a Shepherd. I have four sisters and a husband who loves me. I have a best friends and I have fifteen nieces and nephews. I have a family…I am not a Grey anymore. I haven't been one in a very long time," Meredith said quietly. "Thank you, but no thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for surgery."

Walking past Susan, Meredith felt shaky as she climbed the stairs and pushed the door open to the next floor. Any hunger that she'd felt had dissipated and finding the nearest trashcan, Meredith dropped the chocolate milk and the ice cream into it. The very thought of Thatcher being in the hospital made her feel sick as she walked down the hallway. Seeing the red line that meant only employees could be allowed back, Meredith sighed with relief. In the O.R., she was safe from being anywhere near Thatcher. Seeing him again wasn't something she wanted. He'd moved on and abandoned her. She'd gotten her closure and she owed the man nothing. He had a life, a family, and he didn't want her. That thought, that feeling, that concept was mutual. She had a life, a family, and she didn't need him in hers. Feeling more resolute, Meredith walked into the scrub room where Cristina was scrubbing in. Scrubbing next to her, the two women began their pre-surgery ritual of quizzing each other over the operation and challenging each other's knowledge. It would be a long surgery and they both wanted to be prepared.

* * *

Derek felt almost giddy as he wrote in his patient's chart. Andrew, the patient, was a national spelling bee kid. It had been a fun afternoon as everyone in the O.R. had thrown out different words for him to spell. Bailey had even enjoyed herself and it was almost time for him to go home. He'd already promised Meredith that he'd pick up Thai for dinner and check on Beau. It felt like the poor dog needed a companion during the day and Derek was seriously beginning to wonder if it would be a good idea to hire a housekeeper like they'd had at the brownstone near Central Park in New York. Both he and Meredith had always been so busy that basic tasks often had been kicked to the wayside. It was beginning to happen again and he didn't want her to feel overwhelmed. Having someone around to ease the burden would help her and him because he could already tell she was feeling the stress. Burke had let him know that Cristina and Meredith were getting close to a decision to give to the Chief regarding their residency plans and Derek wanted to be prepared for whatever decision Meredith made. Deciding to bring the issue up over dinner and a recorded episode of Jeopardy, Derek closed the chart that he'd been writing in and handed it back to the nurse.

"Have the intern monitor him," he told the nurse. "Page me if anything comes up. Have a good night, Ruth."

The nurse nodded at him and as he turned to leave, Derek almost ran into a blonde haired woman. She wore a frown on her face and she looked nervous as she clasped her hands in front of her body.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" Derek asked politely as he tried to set her at ease with a smile.

"You're her husband, aren't you? You're Doctor Shepherd. I'm Susan Grey, Thatcher's wife."

"I'm sorry, I—"

"You're wife, Meredith, is my stepdaughter. Thatcher is her father," Susan said calmly.

"Why don't we talk someplace else," Derek told the woman quietly before ushering her away from the nurse's station. Quickly finding an empty conference room on the floor, Derek held the door open and ushered the woman. Letting the door close behind him, Derek stood facing Susan with his hands on his hips.

"Please start from the beginning and explain to me what the hell is happening," he told her calmly.

"I'm Susan, Thatcher's wife."

"We've established that. What are you doing here?"

"My daughter, Molly, is here because she's having a complication with her baby. Doctor Forbes-Montgomery-Sloan is her doctor," Susan replied with a gentle smile.

"Meredith doesn't specialize as an OB/GYN. She's going to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. She's not even on the OB floor. I think she was going into surgery about an hour ago," Derek said quickly with dread. "Why are you here?"

"I spoke with her earlier. She was in the cafeteria and I followed her—"

"You spoke to my wife about this," Derek snapped back. "You spoke to Meredith about her father and his second family?"

"Of course," Susan reasoned. "We're family."

Derek ran and trembling hand through his hair and shook his head, "You know…she went to your house. Spoke with Thatcher and he wouldn't even invite her in. He asked her if she needed anything. That's all he said. She came home and cried for almost an hour in my arms. That's how hurt she was."

"Thatcher is sorry—"

"I don't see Thatcher here apologizing," Derek interrupted quickly. "Keep your husband and your family the hell away from my wife. She has a family and she has put her life together. Thatcher coming in would ruin that and he doesn't deserve to know my wife. Not after what he's done to her. You keep him the hell away from her. He and Ellis did enough damage to her to last a lifetime and I will not let you or Thatcher hurt her. I won't stand for it. Stay the hell away."

Without saying another word, Derek yanked open the door to the conference room and walked out. He was seeing red from the anger and he was worried. He was worried about Meredith and the effects of seeing Susan Grey had on her.

* * *

Trudging up the stairs to their bedroom, Meredith didn't even bother to watch were she dropped her coat, shoes and bag as she tugged them off before collapsing onto the bed next to Derek. He had a journal on neurosurgery open and folded to an article he was reading. Beau was sleeping comfortably on Derek's chest and Meredith would have probably laughed at all the things she could imagine his sisters would say about the sight he created, but her day had been so bad that she couldn't even summon up a smile to her face.

"I met my stepmother today," Meredith murmured next to him as she heard him set aside the medical journal that he'd been reading. Beau wined as he was put on the floor and ran away.

"I know," Derek murmured. "She tracked me down to and wanted to talk."

"What'd she want?"

"I didn't give her a chance to say. I just told her to stay the hell away from my wife."

"Thank you," Meredith murmured tiredly. "Is your mom and sister asleep?"

"Amelia went to an NA meeting and my mom went to bed about an hour ago," Derek told her tiredly.

"We should talk about your sister and mom being here in Seattle."

"I don't even want to talk about that. What's the last memory you have of your father?" Derek asked. Meredith looked at him with an arched brow as she sat up.

"Are you serious?" she demanded.

"You know a lot more about my father than I know about yours," he answered quietly. "I'm just…curious. If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to."

Lying back on the bed, Meredith searched through her memories for a moment before letting out a long sigh.

"The last memory that I had of my father…it's horrible. I was five and I sitting on my parent's bed," she told him sadly. "There were, uh, suitcases laid on the bed and my father…he wasn't even folding clothes. He was just yanking everything off the hangers. He just threw everything into the suitcases and told me that he was going on an adventure. My mother wasn't home and he just packed up his car and kissed my cheek. He told to be a good girl and took me over to the neighbor's house and left me there. I remember standing next to mother who lived there and I waved goodbye. I didn't know at the time that it was the last time that I'd ever see him again. The thought never occurred to me that he'd just leave me there. I just thought that he was going on an adventure and he'd be back for me in a few hours. I don't want Thatcher Grey to be a part of my life. I don't want him. Why should I want someone who doesn't want me?"

"That's your decision," Derek told her softly. "You don't owe him anything, Meredith. You don't and it is that simple."

"I stopped yearning for him years ago," she admitted calmly. "I stopped wanting to meet after I found out about his family. Mark…he thought that I could use our wedding as a way to reunite with my father. To meet him and…try and salvage…something, but when I learned that my father had gotten remarried and he'd had two daughters with another woman…I just don't…I just stopped caring. Is that wrong?"

"No. It was just what you needed to learn to close the door on the past. I probably would have done the same thing if Thatcher was my father," Derek replied as he rubbed the stubble on his jaw.

"You'll be a good father some day," Meredith told him with a smile. "I know you won't ever abandon our children the way my father abandoned me. You're just not wired that way."

"Damn right," Derek grinned playfully. "I told you this was forever. No one walks away."

"We're Derek and Meredith. Meredith and Derek…I can't remember how everyone in New York said it," she said with a giggle. "I did give that number a thought though…I want four children. I think you're right. Four is a very good number."

"I'm glad, but we should practice," Derek told her with a sexy grin on his face that told Meredith exactly what he was thinking about. She wanted to talk to him about Amelia and Carolyn, but she didn't want to push Derek to talk about something that he wasn't ready to talk about.

"Wait, right here," Meredith whispered as her lips hovered over his and she stood up.

"I suggest sex and you're getting up?" Derek called after her with a grin. Smiling to herself, Meredith slipped into their walk-in closet and smiled as she reached for the bag that she'd given him months ago. It had been her way of putting sexual distance between them. Giving him the black lace had almost been like a parting gift between the two of them and now, she didn't care about sexual distance. She wanted him and she wanted to feel sexy in black lace.

Pulling out the black lace pieces that she knew drove him crazy to distraction, Meredith slipped out of her clothes and quickly pulled the black lace thong, bra and garter belt on before grabbing stockings. Rolling them up to her mid-thigh on each leg, Meredith took a quick look at herself in the mirror before she quickly shook her hair out of the loose ponytail it had been in. Shaking her hair out and taking on last look, Meredith moved back towards the doorway and leaned sexily against it. She had to bite her bottom lip to suppress the smile that came to her lips as she saw Derek's eyes widen.

"Sorry for the wait, Doctor Shepherd," she said breathlessly. "I got a little…distracted in there while I was changing."

Derek's only response was to stand up from the bed and walk towards her. He roughly kissed her and without warning, he tossed her down onto the bed. He devoured her mouth with his own. Derek could be a tender, slow lover and Meredith loved that. He could also be a fun, rough, fast lover and she liked that equally as much. She giggled when he kissed a sensitive spot on her neck, but those giggles were soon replaced with moans of approval as his lips caressed their way to her breasts. He licked and nibbled away at each breast beneath the lace of her bra before he sat up and pulled her with him. Derek's hands quickly unhooked the back of her bra before nearly ripping it off of her body and tossing it aside. Pushing her back down onto the bed, he licked and nibbled at her bare breast. It left Meredith feeling like a rubber band that was in danger of being pulled too tight as she explored his body with her hands. Muscle that was hard and skin that was soft, Derek was a perfect combination of both and his t-shirt and cotton pajama pants were quickly tossed aside as their hips gyrated together.

When he decided to move farther down her body, Meredith moaned as her spine arched forward. His lips and hands did things to her that left her wondering if heaven could in fact be found on earth because being with Derek was earth shattering. He was situated in between her legs and without warning, he pulled her thong aside and blew air over her damp core. The feeling made her quiver and moan with need as Derek slowly kissed his way from the delicate bone in her ankle to her hip bones as he rolled the stocking down her leg. Propped up on her elbows, Meredith felt her nipples pebble in the cool as Derek repeated the process on her other leg. Determinedly, he avoided the one place she wanted him to touch until his mouth hovered over her damp, hot core. It was pure torture and Meredith loved every single second that he inflicted on her.

Giving into her desires, Derek grabbed the lace strap on her hips and eased the thong away from her body before reaching over to his nightstand beside the bed and grabbing a condom. He quickly applied to himself before returning his gaze back to her naked body. Without warning, Derek grabbed a pillow and Meredith helped him shift it under her hips. Panting with need, she gasped out when he licked the length of her folds and her hips rose and fell at the sensation he created. Clinging to his body, Meredith moaned wantonly as his tongue parted her folds. Over and over again, he took her to edge of the cliff, but always pulled her back from the climax she so desperately wanted. It almost felt like he knew her body better than she did, Meredith reflected as Derek's tongue swirled masterful around her clit.

Panting, hot, and on edge, Meredith gasped loudly when Derek sucked her clit in between his lips. His teeth lightly graze over it and the sensation made her silently scream as he thrust two fingers inside of her. She'd fallen over that pleasurable cliff and she was seeing stars from the intensity of the pleasure as it hit her hard. Trembling, Meredith could barely remember her own name as Derek's lips pressed kisses against her abdomen and breasts. She'd barely caught her breath when Derek's lips met hers. She clung to him as his hand slipped between their bodies. Hooking her thighs over his hips, Meredith could still feel her toes curling and rested her heels on his lower back. Lined up with her body, Derek quickly thrust into her and Meredith couldn't help the way her eyes rolled back into her head as her neck and spine arched again.

He felt so damn good and she couldn't stop the way her pelvis rolled against his. Derek groaned and without warning, he flipped them over. Astride him, Meredith felt his hands grasp her hips…urging her to move. Rolling her hips against his, Meredith cupped her breasts as she felt one of his hands leave her hips and slip between their bodies to brush her clit over and over again. His other hand held onto her hip and helped her along as they both moaned at the powerful feelings of pleasure their bodies produced. The pleasure built again and Meredith dropped a hand between them using the pads of Derek's fingers, she rubbed circles over her clit with his fingers.

The stimulation was almost too much for her body suddenly tensed with her release and she cried out. Derek gripped her hips and held her in place as he forcefully thrust up inside of her while pulling her hips back to meet his body. Several times he repeated the movement until his own body was filled with tension and he cried out in release. Collapsing down next to him, Meredith closed her eyes and let her heart pound against her ribs. Her whole body was humming with the afterglow of her two climaxes and she couldn't bring herself to move and ruin the spell that Derek had cast over her body.

"Oh, God," Meredith panted. "How the hell did we go without sex for so freaking long?"

"That's a good question," Derek groaned next to her as he rolled the condom off his shaft and knotted the end to prevent anything from spilling out. "That is a very good question."

* * *

_February 2, 2006_

"I know that look," Mark observed as Meredith sat at the nurse's station doing charting with a very satisfied grin on her face. The morning quickie she'd had in the shower had brightened her morning considerably and the day was shaping up to be a very good day.

"What look?" she demanded as she looked up at the arrogant plastic's god.

"You got laid last night. I know because both you and Shepherd have this stupid little grin on your face," Mark scoffed. "It's sickening."

"Who said anything about last night?" Meredith teased as Sloan's eyes went wide and he chuckled.

"You dirty mistress…shower?"

"Who said soap suds can't be fun?" she said with a shrug.

"Atta girl," Mark grinned before and gave her a high five before Bailey showed up. The Nazi looked Meredith up and down and scowled.

"You both so damn stupid," she told them, "Grinning and all happy…both you and your husband, Grey."

"Now don't be jealous, Bailey," Meredith chuckled as she closed the chart that she'd been working on and grabbed another. "I have to go check on Denny Duquette."

"I'll be with you today," Bailey snapped. "No funny business with that husband of yours, Grey. That goes triple for you, Sloan. I know that the other Doctor Sloan is pregnant and I'm not stupid about what happens when one mixes pregnancy and sex."

Mark held his hands up like he was innocent as Meredith chuckled, "Bailey, I've been married long enough to be beyond funny business. If I'm going to have business transactions with my husband, I'm closing the deal. You can't do that at a hospital. Too many things can go wrong."

Mark burst out laughing as Bailey shook her head, "Just shut the hell up, Grey and grab the chart."

Doing as Bailey instructed, Meredith grinned and followed Bailey as Mark winked at her. Oh, her day was going to be good. It was amazing how good she felt after several orgasms induced by her husband and a pulsing shower head.

* * *

"Good morning, Miss Graber," Derek said cheerfully as he walked into the divorce attorney's room. He could already feel his good mood being sucked out of him as he stopped at her bedside with Stevens and O'Malley.

"Oh, really? Good morning?" the woman snapped at him. "You haven't let me sleep in three nights and this ridiculous hat is destroying my self-esteem, and I still haven't had a seizure. Okay, sure, we'll go with 'Good Morning' if it makes you feel better about yourself."

Derek tried not to groan out loud. The woman was impossible and the good feeling that he'd gotten from hot shower sex with Meredith not even an hour before slipped away. Stepping into the woman's room made him feel as if all the joy and happiness had been drained out of him before he even finished his morning meeting with her.

"Ms. Graber is here for brain mapping," Derek said quickly wanting to be gone as soon as possible. "Doctor Stevens?"

"Brain mapping," Izzie replied. "It's where you locate the area of the brain where the seizures originate from and you surgically remove it with minimal damage to the surrounding tissue. "

"Excellent."

"Excellent except for the fact that it's not working, and I am losing billable hours," Ms. Garber snapped. "Unless any of you are looking to get out of a bad marriage?"

"No," both Stevens and O'Malley said at the same time before Ms. Garber's gaze shifted towards him.

"Doctor Shepherd?"

"No, I'm happily married."

"Really?"

"Yes," Derek insisted with a smile. "I promise you, I'm not looking to get out."

"Everyone does at some point," Ms. Garber said before she winked at him. Quickly leaving the room with Stevens and O'Malley, Derek closed the door and looked between the two of them. He didn't even want to begin thinking about how he'd nearly lost everything because of the state he'd let his marriage fall into. Derek certainly wasn't even going to begin telling that story to Ms. Garber. She had no business inquiring into the state of his marriage every morning and he was rapidly growing sick of the woman.

"It's been three days and she's had no seizures," he told them bluntly. "Go find Grey and Yang and tell them that I want them to switch services with you two. Grey is on the Denny Duquette case and Yang is with Burke. Go switch and tell them to come find me in the next thirty minutes."

"Sir?" O'Malley asked with confusion as he looked from Shepherd to Stevens.

"I told you both to make her seize and she hasn't," Derek sighed. "I need this woman to seize."

"All the normal methods have failed," Izzie replied defensively as she crossed her arms over her chest. "What were we supposed to do?"

"You should have gotten creative," Derek snapped at her and she shrunk away from him. "Used a strobe light, gotten her drunk, hung her from the ceiling upside down and hit her with a wiffle ball bat for all I care, okay? You were just supposed to make her seize, because until she seizes, I don't know where to operate, and if I don't know where to operate, I can't get this woman out of my life, and this woman is not how I like to start my mornings. So, go find Grey and Yang and send them to me because one more morning of this will be too much."

Derek walked away and rubbed the back of his neck before going to next room on his morning rounds. Almost all his patients were stable and in good spirits and when Derek finally made it back to his office. He was surprised to find Meredith and Cristina playing cards at the circular table he used to consult with patients and other doctors sometimes when he opened the door.

"You cardio whore," Yang snapped with a smile and a shake of her head. "I knew you were saving that card!"

"I thought O'Malley and Stevens told you what I needed you both to do," he said as he watched Meredith reshuffle the deck of cards with a satisfied grin on her face that told him she'd one the game.

"They told us to come to you," Cristina replied as she looked over at him. "Mentioned something about seizures?"

"I need you both to make this woman seize for me," Derek told them as he leaned against his desk. "O'Malley and Stevens exhausted all the other options, but their creativity."

"You need us to figure out how to induce seizures?" Meredith asked with a saucy grin in his direction.

"Oh, ew," Cristina mumbled as she looked at Meredith. "Stop making goo-goo eyes at each other it's sick."

"What are things that induce seizures?" Derek questioned them.

"Sleep deprivation, alcohol, low blood sugar, certain medication, food with excess caffeine, stress, flashing lights, fevers, specific time of days…the list can go on," Meredith told him. "Everyone is different."

"Figure out something that can cause this woman to seize," he told them as he handed Ms. Garber's chart to Yang.

"This could be fun," Cristina said as she took the chart and both women stood up and left Derek alone in his office to do paperwork. He had no doubt that Meredith and Yang would figure something out. They just had to stick their heads together long enough and they'd come up with something.

* * *

"Burke still wants to buy a house," Cristina sighed as they sat next to each other on the couch in Ms. Garber's room studying together. Sunglasses firmly fixed on their face, both women watched Ms. Garber as the strobe light flashed rapidly and close to her face. Meredith's hands worked quickly with the knitting needles and the white and yellow yarn she was using to make a blanket. She needed something to distract her from her pain because everywhere she turned Addison seemed to be there glowing and pregnant. She wanted to be happy for Addison, Meredith really did. She just couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that seemed to linger around her.

"How long does this take to work?" Meredith demanded tiredly as she moved her fingers quickly. "I was supposed to off and at home two hours ago. Strike that, I don't want to go home. Going home means Amelia and Derek being in the same room together and I don't think that I can handle that now."

"Did you not hear what I said?" Cristina shot back with a frown as she looked up from the book they were using to study cardio procedures.

"Burke wants to buy a house," Meredith groaned as she turned and looked at Cristina, "This is giving me a migraine. What's the next question that you have to quiz me on?"

"He wants a house with a front yard for a dog!" Cristina exclaimed as she slammed the textbook shut.

"Houses aren't bad," Meredith defended as she continued to knit. "Derek and I had a beautiful brownstone townhouse near Central Park and New York Presbyterian. It was a really nice house. I'm kind of pissed we sold it."

"I'm not afraid of the freaking house," Cristina insisted with a sigh as she put her feet up on the table in front of them. "And since when do you know how to knit?"

"A tool that I learned as a way to deal with anxiety and considering that my mother and sister-in-law are staying at my house and I can't exactly binge on Twinkies like I want to when I'm stressed…I knit," she replied as he fingers moved quickly. "Derek would give me a lecture about my health and so, I am knitting to keep myself busy until Mark smuggles me a box of Twinkie and some Valium to get through this family visit. Back to your problem, you're afraid of the house."

"I am not!" Cristina insisted angrily.

"You're afraid he's gonna ask about kids next," Meredith told her with a grin. "I know you."

"Alright! I am afraid of the house," Cristina said grudgingly as she crossed her arms over her chest and slumped back into the couch. Their textbook had long since been forgotten as it sat on the table next to the couch.

"Would it be so bad? Having kids?"

"Right now in this very moment, Meredith?" Cristina demanded with an arched brow.

"In the future with Burke, would it be so bad?" Meredith question as she reached down into her knitting bag and grabbed more yarn. "I mean…is it something that you and Burke talked about together in depth? Derek and I have…several times. It's an important conversation that you need to have with Preston."

"I can't believe we're having this conversation," Cristina groaned. "Can't we study instead?"

"We are having this conversation."

"What about you and McDreamy? How's that going?"

"We're not talking about that," Meredith grinned as she moved the blanket over her lap so she could work better on the corners, "Fine! You wanna change subjects, have you talked to Webber?"

"Burke thinks that you and I are more than capable of doing this accelerated program. We're going to talk to Webber as soon as this woman has a seizure," Cristina said as the door opened and both women looked over to see Derek pop his head in.

"No seizure?" he asked as he looked at them.

"No. No seizure," Meredith confirmed as her fingers flew through the knitting movements. "I am almost done with my blanket though, thanks for asking."

"You're knitting again," Derek observed with a smile. "I haven't seen you knit in a very long time."

"So, this is a habit?" Cristina scoffed as she looked at Derek.

"Nervous habit," he said. "I'm suspecting that it has something to do with my mother and sister."

"Hold this," Meredith told Cristina as she forced the blanket and knitting needles onto the Asian woman before standing up. Practically pushing Derek out the door, Meredith dragged him into an on-call room and closed the door.

"Your mother is staying with us until Addison's baby is born. Addison is going to need help trying to find a house, getting everything together and all the other things that go along with having a child," Meredith said quickly as she flipped the sunglasses to the top of her head. "I am fine with her staying—"

"Amelia wants me to give her a job," Derek interrupted as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Are you going to?"

"No, Meredith! She is a drug addicted and letting her into a hospital filled with pills is a horrible idea. My mother can stay, but I want Amy gone."

"She's your sister, Derek! You just can kick her out," Meredith snapped. "Give her a chance!"

"She stole my prescription pad and wrote herself prescriptions. She could have cost me my license! Let's not forget about her stealing Liz's prescription pad too!"

Meredith closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose as a memory washed over her…

…_The hallway was narrow and Derek held onto her hand tightly like she was a small child. The hallway was dim and behind doors they could hear arguments between couples and others having sex. The place was nothing compared to the elegant brownstone that she and Derek lived in. They'd been married for four years now and they'd built a life together. Amelia had just passed her boards and Meredith wasn't sure what to make of her sister-in-law's life style. _

_Finding the right door, Derek forced her to step in front of the door and shielded her body from the hallway as a door further down opened and a scantily dressed woman walked down the hallway. It made her uncomfortable just looking at them as Derek pushed the door open. _

"_Seriously?" he hissed. "No lock?"_

_Quickly walking, Meredith wrinkled her noise at the sight of Amy's apartment. Clothing was thrown everywhere and Chinese takeout boxes littered every surface. The smell of bad milk permeated the air and Meredith wished she'd stayed at home instead of insisting that she'd go with Derek. Studying sounded far more fun than being in Amelia's apartment._

"_How the hell does she live like this?" Meredith asked Derek as she tried to navigate the pile of clothing on the floor without stepping on anything. Moving to the bathroom, Meredith looked at the room in revulsion again. It was obvious that Amy was too much into her addiction to even try to clean up after herself. _

"_I swear to God," Derek teased from behind her. "If you are pregnant and I brought you here, I'm kicking my own ass."_

"_I'm not pregnant," Meredith laughed. _

"_You don't know that," Derek pointed out with a sexy grin. "The condom that we used last night broke." _

"_Wrong time in the cycle to get pregnant," Meredith shot back before sticking out her tongue, "Don't get your hopes up."_

_Derek chuckled as he closed the bathroom door and moved further down the hallway towards the spare bedroom. Meredith pivoted on her expensive flats that she wore and walked towards the main bedroom. Pushing open the bedroom door, Meredith froze. Lying face down on the bed was Amy and several pill bottles were not far away from her. Scrambling towards her sister-in-law, Meredith ignored the stabbing pain in her foot as she cut herself on a broken beer bottle as she reached out and shook Amy's shoulder._

"_Amy!" she said, "Amelia!"_

_Getting no response, Meredith reached for the pill bottle and read the label with a frown. It was for sixty vicodin and it was from Elizabeth Shepherd-Graham. All seven bottles were from Elizabeth Shepherd-Graham. Dropping the bottle, Meredith flipped Amy onto her back. _

"_Derek!" she yelled and he came running. He was over Amelia in a heartbeat and looked at Meredith. He wasn't her husband in that moment; he was a surgeon and a doctor. _

"_Call 9-11 and find all the empty bottles that you can so we know what she took. Find everything, Meredith," he told her as he began chest compressions. Staring at the scene, Meredith dropped her bag and grabbed Derek's cell phone from his waist and quickly dialed 9-1-1 as she left the bedroom._

"_9-1-1, what's your emergency?" _

"_My name is Meredith Shepherd. My sister-in-law overdosed on something and my husband is doing CPR as we speak," she told the operator calmly before she gave the address of where they were and the apartment number and left the room to open the front door so the police and paramedics could find them easier._

"_Help is on the way ma'am," the woman said over the phone. "Just remain calm."_

"_I am calm," Meredith snapped as she grabbed her purse off the floor and began throwing pill bottles into it. _

"_Does your sister-in-law have a history of drug abuse?"_

"_Yes, I have to go. Please just make sure that the police and an ambulance come quickly," Meredith sighed. "Thank you."_

_Disconnecting the phone, Meredith moved to the living room and began looking for more pill bottles. She was amazed by how many she found. Hearing a sound, Meredith looked up and saw Derek standing in the doorway looking exhausted. _

"_Is she…"_

_Meredith couldn't bring herself to finish the question. She didn't want to know the answers. Derek looked at her and the only way she could describe the look on his face…he looked haunted. Meredith could feel the rolls of anger coming off him from feet away and she pitied Amelia._

"_She's alive," Derek whispered so softly that Meredith barely heard before he hit the wall with the side of his fist, "She's alive." _

_Dropping her bag, Meredith clutched the back of Amelia's couch and let out a breath, "Thank God!"_

"_You called for help?" he asked in an emotionless voice. _

"_They're on the way. I'm just collecting pill bottles and seriously considering calling a maid service," Meredith sighed tiredly. "Should I start calling your mom and sisters?" _

"_Wait until we get her to the hospital and know more. I'm going to go keep an eye on Amelia," Derek said and retreated back down the hallway…_

Meredith sat down on the bed and rubbed her forehead, "She's trying to turn her life around, Derek."

"I don't want her near any patients," he snapped. "I am the head of neuro and I will not hire her. I do not want her anywhere near me! Jesus, Meredith! She's a drug addict!"

"You're her brother!" Meredith snapped back, "You can't just kick her out of our house! She's getting better! She is trying to! What she needs from us is support! She needs her brother to support her!"

"She's not staying with us, Meredith. She's gotten sober before and she's fallen off the wagon before. It always happens and I am not living through what we went through in New York again. I am not going to perform CPR on my sister for three minutes while crying and begging God to let her live. I'm not going to sit through another hospital visit where I have to console my sobbing mother and give empty promises that she won't lose her youngest child. I won't sit there again and comfort Liz and tell that none of it was her fault like I did the first time. I won't console my sisters as they try to figure out what happened and stop them from blaming themselves. I can't sit there and watch them be in pain and helpless to ease it. Do you not remember how shaken Liz was after what happened? Do you not remember how Liz begged us to help her search through her house to see if there were any extra prescription pads lying around while her husband took their kids to the park for the afternoon so we'd have the house to ourselves? Do you not remember the pain that Amelia put our family through after what happened?" Derek demanded angrily. "Or have you forgotten?"

"I invited her to stay with us because she's here trying to rebuild her life, Derek," Meredith blurted out after a moment and closed her eyes. She didn't want to see Derek's reaction because she could feel the anger radiating off of him in waves. Hearing her pager go off, Meredith sighed and looked down at the message from Cristina.

"Ms. Garber had a seizure," Meredith told him quietly. Derek didn't say a word as he left the on-call room and slammed the door behind him. Meredith flinched, but she knew she'd done the right thing. Amelia needed support and whether or not Derek realized it, Meredith could have easily had a pill addiction. With her childhood and screwed up issues…Meredith didn't think that Derek realized how much he'd saved her. She'd been on the teetering edge when she'd met him. She'd been binge drinking and popping Valium, Xanax, and Vicodin just to get through her days. Meredith felt tears prick the back of her eyes as she thought about the morning of the day she'd met him.

She had planned to end her life that night.

She'd given up on life and for so long, she'd let Ellis Grey beat her down. Meredith had collected enough barbiturates through drug dealers to kill herself and she'd planned to do it after seeing Richard win his award, but life worked in strange ways. Derek had walked into her life and her world had never been the same. That night, he'd given her hope. Meredith wasn't particularly religious, but she believed that he'd been sent to her. He loved her all those months that she'd been difficult and cruel to him in the early stages of their relationship. He loved her through all the ups and downs. It was because of him that she wasn't a drunk and a drug addict. He'd given her the final push to look at her life and realize that she'd hit rock bottom. He'd given her the strength to realize that she'd wanted to get better. He'd offered her hope and it had been the hope that she'd needed to realize that she didn't need pills to get through her pain. She was a person and she was more than what Ellis thought of her. Love did exist and she could be happy. She wasn't her mother's daughter and she was capable of fixing herself and not repeating the mistakes of the past. Most of all, he'd taught her that she deserved to be happy. Derek had taught her that she could allow herself to be happy. All of this he didn't know. The first few months of their relationship had been difficult because she'd been secretly in therapy and it had been hard for her to confront the past alone, but she'd known that there was no other choice. She had to face her demons and slay them on her own. Derek couldn't do that for her. No one could do that for her, but she could.

Meredith could remember every moment…those months…those thoughts…those horrible nights that she'd spent in her apartment alone trying to fix herself…pushing through years of self-abuse and pain…

It was one of her many secrets that she'd kept from him, but Meredith knew that the day was coming soon that she'd have to tell him the truth. She'd have to reveal everything because if it meant helping Amelia get better…Meredith was willing to tell him that truth. It would hurt, but she would do it not only for Amelia, but for herself. She would show him another dark and twisted side of her and trust that he'd love her because she never doubted his love for her.

If Amelia wanted recovery and she wanted to get better…Meredith would help her.

Meredith would fight tooth and nail with Derek to let Amelia stay.

The reality that she could have once been the girl who had been dead for three minutes on the floor scared her. It had nearly been her and she'd been so close to give up everything.

* * *

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_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	13. XIII: Hypnotic

**Author's Note: **

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Lowest review count for this story so far, but that's okay! I was so happy to hear from those who did review! Maybe this chapter will bring in some heated opinions and...well...I can't give much away, but we are getting hot...like burning hot...**

**This chapter covers what would be 2x24, 2x25, 2x26.**

**Thanks for the reviews and well wishes! Doing so much better! Thank you!**

**Leave a review and let me know what you think!:) **

* * *

**Chapter XIII**

_"...You do to me so well_

_Hypnotic taking over me_

_Make me feel like someone else_

_You got me talking in my sleep_

_I don't want to come back down_

_I don't wanna touch the ground..."_

~ "Hypnotic"- Zella Day

_February 6, 2006_

Meredith leaned against the wall. Ever since admitting that she'd invited Amelia to live with them, Derek hadn't spoken to her. The Berlin Wall had been erected between them and she didn't blame him. She could see his point of view and Meredith knew that Derek was acting out of fear. She'd seen him after Amy's overdose. He'd cried for the sister that he'd done everything to keep alive as a twelve year old boy. She could understand his wanting to keep her away.

He'd saved Amelia.

He'd saved his baby sister from running out to their father. If the men had seen Amelia…Meredith didn't doubt that the men would have shot the little girl. The murder had been brutal and if Amelia had seen the men's faces, those men would have killed her to protect themselves. Derek had clung to Amelia. He had clung to her life and he'd saved her. Meredith could understand that he was in pain now. He was in pain watching the little sister he'd held tightly in his arms to keep safe. He was in pain watching how she'd thrown her life away on drugs. Amelia was in pain and Derek was in pain. They were both in pain over what had happened all those years ago and Meredith was certain that having Amelia around would be like ripping off a band-aid, but it would start the healing that they both needed. Meredith had long since discovered that in order to get better, one had to go through a hell of a lot pain to get to the other side. Cristina stepped outside to where they were waiting for several ambulances from an MVC and her eyes were red rimmed.

"Husband troubles?" Meredith asked as Cristina leaned onto the wall next to her.

"I never realized how big of a pain in the ass they could be," Cristina groaned. "All Preston keeps talking about it buying a house and all I want is sex."

Before Meredith could say anything, she saw Derek walking towards the E.R. entrance and she frowned when he didn't acknowledge her. Turning and following him, Meredith tried to be a kind and friendly as she could.

"How's Beau?" she asked softly as she walked next to him trying to match his long stride. "Did you drop him off at the vet? He's been acting strangle and we should get him checked out, Derek."

"Your dog is fine," he said gruffly.

"Our dog," Meredith corrected softly as Derek stopped and turned to look at her. "Beau is our dog and he's not fine."

"Yeah, whatever," he told her with a look of disinterest. Meredith felt a flare of annoyance grow inside of her and she tried to push it down and away. The old Derek…the man from New York was returning and she didn't like it at all.

"It's been four days," she said as she heard sirens behind her. "Are you still mad at me? Are you going to act like the jackass from New York over this?"

Derek looked over her shoulder, "Now is not the time, Meredith."

"When is the right time, Derek?" she called as he walked away from her. Meredith clenched a fist and stamped her foot in frustration when she got no answer. She wanted to call Amelia or Carolyn, but she knew that they were out with Mark and Addison looking for a house and exploring Seattle. Someone had to take Beau to the vet and her idiot brain surgeon of a husband was worthless. Turning back around, she moved out of the way as Alex, Izzie, and George rolled people into the O.R. as she stepped back outside. The last gurney contained the man who'd caused the crash and just looking at him…Meredith knew that it was neuro. With Cristina's help, they pushed the man into a trauma room where Derek waited for them. Assessments were quickly done and Meredith wrote down everything that Derek said as Cristina assisted him.

"Marshall, remember this words and repeat them back to Doctor Grey or Doctor Yang," Derek said calmly as he used his pen light and checked the man's pupils. "Ferryboat, house, avoid."

Meredith did her best to not visibly wince at Derek's choice of words. He was pissed at her for inviting Amelia to live with them and she had a feeling that most of that anger would be directed at her for some time. She also wanted to punch him…hard.

"He has a closed head injury," Derek told her swiftly. "Get him to C.T. now. Watch for vomiting, confusion and loss of consciousness."

Meredith scribbled down his notes and opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off.

"Let me know when you get the C.T. report back."

He left the room as Cristina look over at her with a sympathetic frown.

"Ouch. Trouble in paradise?"

"Shut up," Meredith scoffed. She and Derek had Wyatt later in the evening and Meredith desperately wanted to talk about what was happening with Amelia. She wanted to address the issue before it snowballed, but Meredith was beginning to think that the issue was already snowballing beyond her control and she didn't know what to do.

* * *

Meredith stood center of Derek's office and she clutched the back of a chair until her knuckles were practically white. She knew that loosing the patient, Marshall, hadn't been her fault, but she was taking the blame. Derek had been on the warpath all morning and he was looking for a reason to go ballistic. Meredith had been helping the code team when Cristina had lost their patient. With all the drama that had happened with Burke and Cristina over George moving in, Meredith had decided to take the fall for her friend. Cristina was emotionally stressed and Derek was already angry. Meredith could take whatever crap he pushed her way. In some ways, she would rather him yell at her than to ignore her like he had been. After all that they'd been through together…Meredith could take whatever crap that he pushed her way.

"How in the hell do you let a patient get that far off your watch?" Derek demanded angrily as he paced the length of his office behind his desk.

"I turned my back for a second," Meredith defended calmly as she felt her heart pounding in her chest. "Derek—"

"He was in the damn gallery!" Derek yelled back at her and Meredith silently told herself to breathe. Getting angry wasn't the solution. He could chew her ass out now as an attending, she'd beat the crap out of him later as his wife.

"He's a surgical intern at Mercy West, and he—"

"I don't care if he is the surgeon general! In this hospital, he is a patient with a head injury who needs a C.T. scan. In this hospital, he is a scared guy who does not need to see the massive internal injuries of the woman he rammed with his car! This is your fault. You had him and you lost him! Damn it, Meredith! You have to take responsibility for your actions for once in your life," he yelled again. "Don't try and stand there and lie your way out of it like you always do. You avoid and avoid until you give a lie of omission."

Meredith wanted to ignore is words, but his last sentences hurt. It felt like he'd taken a knife and stabbed it exactly where it hurt. She wasn't trying to lie her way out of anything. She was only trying to help Cristina who was going through her own rough patch and it was backfiring spectacularly. In one moment, all the calm that she'd coached herself into was gone and she lost the fight that she'd been fighting inside her.

"Lied my way out of it?" she asked with a shaky voice. "Is that what you think I do? Fine! You want to make this fight personal and say things like that, let's fight about the fact how you're angry and resentful towards me because I told Amelia that she could stay with us."

"Yes, I am furious about that! Let's add in the fact that I'm angry and resentful because I found a flash drive filled of pictures of my wife naked with Rivers. I had no idea that you got around so much before you met me," Derek spat angrily at her and she winced. "Is Alex next? Did you take pictures with Mark? Anyone else on staff I should know about besides Rivers? What other secrets do you have about your extensive times in Europe? Is a photo going to pop on some porn website of you sucking some guy's dick?"

Meredith felt all the anger inside her deflate. Her knees felt weak as walked back towards the door until she rested on it. Her chest hurt and she felt like she couldn't breathe. She'd had no idea that he'd found the flash drive…she'd had no idea what had been on the flash drive at all. There had been no desire to look at the contents at all. Bringing up the past…Meredith had hoped most of it would have stayed buried.

"You have no self respect," Derek continued to yell at her. "God, Meredith! Why the hell would you do something like that? Just when I think I know everything about you…a curve ball gets thrown and it makes me wonder if I really know the person that I sleep next to in bed every night. How damn hard is it for you to be honest with me and yourself?"

"I tried to tell you the night Carolyn and Amelia showed, but—"

"You tried to destroy any evidence of it," Derek yelled at a louder volume. "Don't paint me out to be the bad guy. You were just going to tell me that it was something that I didn't need to worry about and push it under the rug like you always do. You avoid everything, Meredith! I'm so sick of it."

"Avoid everything?" she cried. "I'm going to therapy with you. I'm trying to make our marriage better. I am trying to face all our problems head on. You think I'm avoiding?"

"Yes!" Derek yelled.

"Fine, you don't want me to avoid, I won't," Meredith whispered tearfully. "Those pictures were taken long before I met you and I was probably drunk or high at the time. Those pictures were probably taken without my consent. I was sixteen and I had no idea what the hell I was doing in Europe. I was completely alone. You are right, Derek. I didn't respect myself as a teenager. I had a mother who ignored me and a father who abandoned me. I had no one who loved me or to guide through growing up. I had no one and when I found sex…it made me feel like someone wanted me. Someone wanted me when my mother couldn't have even been bothered to give me a hug or a kiss in her whole life. Do you know what that's like…to have never been kissed by your own mother? Someone wanted me even if it was for my body and it felt good to be wanted for whatever reason. I felt wanted by some nameless, faceless guy and I am not proud of that fact. I'm not proud of drinking until I blacked out. I'm not proud of the fact that I needed to pop pills just to live with my mother. Xanax, Valium, Cocaine, Vicodin, Norco…anything to ease the hurt that I felt inside because my mother made me feel unwanted…worthless…she didn't even want me. She wanted to abort me and she told me so when I was ten years old after I had interrupted her one too many times. I did a lot of things before I met you, Derek. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and I am humiliated to think about. Call me a whore if it makes you feel better, but I am not a whore. I am a woman who was emotion abuse and neglected by her mother and probably sexually abused while passed out drunk. I am a woman who was the mother of an unborn child for six brief weeks. You don't get to call me a whore. You don't get to tell that you love me and then call me a whore. It doesn't work like that. So me telling Amelia that she can move in? That's fine because if I hadn't met you, I would be the girl on the floor not breathing. I would be dead. The night I met you, I'd gotten enough barbiturates to end my life. I was planning on seeing Richard one last time and then leaving. I couldn't stand hurting anymore and some Guardian Angel sent you. I could easily be Amelia. The drug addict, the alcoholic, the sex addict…I could be all those things…all the things that I did to myself as a teenager…I could easily be your sister. You want the truth? I could be the girl on the floor who stopped breathing. It would have been so easy, Derek."

"Meredith—"

"I am removing myself from your service for the day," she continued with a biting tone. "Have a good goddamned day, you arrogant son of a bitch."

Derek took a step towards her with a defeated look on his face, but Meredith turned. She didn't want to be around him. She just wanted to go home and cry. Opening the door, she slipped of the office and closed the door quietly behind her. She wasn't going to let him see her cry, but a part of her wanted to smile for defending herself. He didn't want to avoid topics…well, she wouldn't avoid things that she wasn't sure he wanted or needed to hear.

* * *

Meredith half laid, half sat on the over sized whicker love seat on enclosed back porch. She could see through the screen that the rain was still falling down from the sky like it had been for several hours. It hadn't stopped and it was almost as if heaven was crying for her. She'd long since run out of tears. Pulling the plush cashmere blanket over her more, Meredith closed her eyes. She refused to cry and she would fight the hormones currently rampaging through her body tooth and nail. Her periods had always been painful, but they came like clockwork and hers had come just as she'd arrived home from the hospital. The pain radiated in her lower abdomen and back like a bitch. Derek, in his worry about Amelia living with them, had cleaned out all their medicine cabinets and hid all the medication. The only thing that Meredith had to try and help her was a heating pad that did very little to ease the discomfort of the ovarian cyst she was certain that she was having. Addison had already given her an ultrasound earlier in the month and had promised that this period would probably be the worst one yet.

There was a growing feeling inside her, an emptiness that hurt more and more each day. She knew that she was supposed to have gone to see Wyatt with Derek earlier in the evening, but she just didn't feel like she had the strength to fight with him. Her whole body hurt and she wanted to cry, but years of living with Ellis made it instinctual to resist the urge and push the feelings away. Hearing the screen door open behind her, Meredith looked over shoulder to see a dripping wet Derek standing there with a somber expression on his face.

"Is it alright if I come and sit with you?" he asked in a defeated voice. Meredith barely nodded as she shifted the heating pad over her lower abdomen again to try and help ease the pain.

"You, uh, you didn't come to the appointment with Wyatt tonight," Derek observed quietly after a moment as he sat down on one of the white whicker chairs that were opposite her and rested his elbows on his knees.

"It's been a long day," Meredith sighed as she closed her eyes. An excruciating cramp seized her body and she rested her head back on the pillow that was propped on the back of the love seat. She tried to breathe through it, but it hurt badly.

"Meredith—" Derek began, but she cut him off.

"I just need one thing from you tonight," she said as she raised her head and looked at him tiredly. "Just give me something for the pain. That's all I want, Derek. You can tell me all about how I'm avoiding the conversation that you want to have with me later, but right now, my body is hurting and you've locked up everything including the freaking Motrin. That's all I want. Something for the pain, please. I am not one to beg, but I am begging now, please."

Standing, Derek dropped a kiss to the top of her head before leaving the enclosed porch. Resting her eyes, Meredith opened them again when she heard Derek's return. He carried a syringe with him and small antiseptic wipe. Knowing that he was giving her morphine, Meredith shook her head.

"I could have used an Advil," she told him tiredly.

"An Advil is going to wear off in a few hours," Derek murmured crouched down beside her. "This will last longer and you'll be able to sleep. It's bad this month, isn't?"

Meredith didn't say anything, but she just nodded.

"Lay back for me," he murmured.

Shifting, Meredith pushed down her blanket and raised the long sleeved shirt that she was wearing to reveal her abdomen. She closed her eyes as Derek opened the alcohol pad and applied to her skin. She felt the sting of the needle and opened her eyes the moment it was done. Lowering her shirt, Meredith stared at him for a long time before Derek cleared his throat.

"Let's get you up to bed," he murmured gently as he stood up. "I gave a larger dose than I normally would have and I don't want you to fall trying to get up the stairs."

"Why do you care?" Meredith whispered bitterly as she pulled the blanket back over her. "And where the hell did you get the morphine from?"

Derek raised her feet and sat down on the love seat with her. Her feet were in his lap as he brushed his thumb over the arch of her bare foot.

"Addison, she caught me on the way out of the hospital. She told me about the ultrasound," he sighed tiredly before looking at her. "You were right, Meredith. I made plenty of mistakes as a teenager. You should call my sisters. They'd love to give you all the dirt. I am angry that a man took pictures of you. You were high…drunk…you weren't in your right mind. You weren't capable of making a rational decision and I'm angry that you were taken advantage of."

"I'm not the same woman in the photos, Derek," Meredith said softly. "I've grown up and those pictures are haunting. I wasn't trying to hide them from you…I just wanted to destroy them so I wouldn't have to ever see them again."

"I know," Derek said as his voice cracked. "I'm sorry for what I said this afternoon. Yang…she told me that you covered for her. I was wrong, Meredith. You're not…don't call yourself one. You're my wife and I love you. I'm sorry saying those words. I hope that you can forgive me. I know that I've asked for your forgiveness a lot…I love you even when you hate me. I was very wrong and I'm so sorry. Forgive me for being an ass to you."

"And Amelia?" Meredith questioned with an arched brow. "Are we going to talk about her staying or are you going to yell at me more?"

"I don't want Amelia living here," Derek replied quietly in a defeated tone. "That hasn't changed and you changed the subject."

"We are at an impasse it seems," Meredith said as she shakily got to her feet. "Why don't you try talking to your sister instead of fighting with her? She's been sober a while now…you owe it to her to just listen to her and talk with her."

"She's going to—"

"Don't bother coming up to bed," Meredith groaned as she unplugged her heating pad and moved towards the screen door. "You're not wholly forgiven for practically calling me a whore in your office, but thank you for the morphine. You might not have used the word, but you implied it and I'm in too much pain and too drugged up to kick your ass for calling me such a thing. Therefore, you're sleeping on that god awful futon in the backroom until I decide otherwise. And just for the record, this is progress. We're communicating. I'm being a wife right now."

"You're making me sleep on the most uncomfortable futon known to man," Derek said with some humor in voice. "That is very wifely."

"Derek," Meredith turned and looked at him. "After all the shit you pulled for months…you are sleeping on the couch for this fight. You should have been sleeping on the couch months ago. "

"I can accept that."

* * *

_Four Days Later…_

_February 10, 2006_

Meredith set the laundry basket down on the kitchen table. She'd decided to be a nice wife and at least wash the sheets that Derek was sleeping on. She still wasn't completely over him nearly calling her a whore. The futon that she had in the back room had become his bed to sleep on. Folding the top sheet, Meredith figured she'd give him one more night on the extremely uncomfortable futon before letting him back into her bed. She missed his warmth and the sound of his deep breathing at night. Setting the top sheet aside, Meredith turned her thoughts to her mother and sister-in-law.

Carolyn and Amelia were out with Addison and Mark again looking for a house again and Meredith…well, she had no idea what to do. The atmosphere in her house had changed so dramatically. Derek avoided coming home like the plague and Amelia avoided him when he was home. Her house was in the middle of a cold war and Meredith was getting a headache from it. She was contemplating moving out to the trailer until Derek and Amelia solved their differences, but her thought were interrupted by the ringing of a phone. Reaching for the phone, Meredith didn't look at the ID.

"Shepherd residence, Meredith speaking," she answered calmly.

"Mrs. Shepherd?" the male voice on the other side said.

"Yes, can I ask who this is?"

"Finn Dandridge," the man said. "I'm Beau's vet."

"How is he?" Meredith asked in a worried tone as she heard the front door open. She'd dropped Beau off a few days before and she'd been worried about him ever since. Derek insisted that he thought the dog was fine, but Meredith hadn't agreed. Without telling him, she'd taken the dog to the vet. He could yell at her later for the vet bill, but Meredith wanted to know if Beau would be alright.

"That's what I wanted to speak with you about," Finn said calmly. "I did run some test and I have the results with me. It would probably be best if I told you in person."

"How bad is it?" Meredith asked softly as Amelia walked into the kitchen with curious expression on her face.

"Bad," Finn said with a sigh. "I won't lie. I think that you should come in so that we can discuss our options together."

"Okay, I will be there shortly," Meredith replied before disconnecting the line and grabbing a note pad.

"Who was that?" Amelia asked as she leaned against the counter.

"The vet," Meredith murmured. "Something is wrong with Beau."

"I'll go with you," Amelia said quickly. "What are you writing?"

"A note to your brother telling him to put the laundry away," Meredith answered as she removed the paper from pad and left it on top of the pile of folded clothes and his bed sheets. She almost wanted to laugh. It was the only way that she and Derek had been communicating since their fight, notes and texts. Grabbing a cardigan and flats, Meredith picked up her keys and followed Amelia out to her Mercedes Benz. The first half of the drive was quiet until Amelia cleared her throat.

"Thanks for letting me stay with you," Amelia started quietly. "I know that I'm probably the last person that you want to talk to after what happened in New—"

"Your brother loves you," Meredith interrupted as she looked over at Amelia. "The day we came home from the hospital…you were in the ICU and stable…Derek cried for over an hour in the shower. He doesn't know that I know, but…I could hear him crying. He almost lost you and he's terrified of the pain of possibly losing you again to drugs. He does love you, Amelia. He's just hurting."

"He has a really funny way of showing it," Amelia said grudgingly and it made Meredith smile. Derek did have a strange way of showing others that he loved them sometimes. He could be both indirect and direct about it.

"He just doesn't trust you not to turn back to drugs when things get difficult," Meredith told her sister-in-law. "You just have to build up trust."

"How do I do that? I've tried, but it feels like nothing I do is good enough," Amelia sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "How am I supposed to build up trust with him?"

"Do what you're doing, Amelia. You're turning your life around. You're sober and you're going to meetings and you're in therapy."

Amelia's eyes went wide and she turned to look at Meredith, "How do you know about that?"

"I saw the appointment card on the table," Meredith admitted with an apologetic tone. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Amelia said quietly. "It's only fair that you know. You and Derek and in therapy, after all…is it helping?"

"I…I guess," Meredith said dully. "I just…I just feel…it's nothing."

"I know that feeling," Amelia replied softly. "This last time that I fell off the wagon…I'd had a miscarriage and I just needed something to take the edge off and so I relapsed and overdosed."

Meredith stopped the car in the vet's parking lot and stared at Amelia, "How the hell—"

"My mom told me before we came," Amelia admitted uncomfortably. "With Addison being pregnant and everything…she's just worried that you…"

"I'm fine, Amelia," Meredith snapped harshly before opening the door to her car. "You don't need to worry about me."

"Derek isn't worrying about you," Amelia argued as she opened her own door and followed. "You haven't even told him how you're feeling. You're just burying your pain in work and you haven't let yourself deal with it, have you? You just keep pushing it under the rug, Meredith. It won't help the pain."

"I can't do this right now," Meredith snapped as she turned and glared at Amelia. "I have to go get bad news about my dog and I cannot think about my…I can't do this."

Walking towards the front door, Meredith let out a shaky breath as she walked into the reception room. Going to the front desk, Meredith smiled as she looked at the older woman behind the desk.

"Hi, I'm Meredith Shepherd," she said. "Doctor Dandridge called me earlier about Beau. He wanted to speak in person."

"I'll let him know you're here if you want to take a seat, Mrs. Shepherd," the receptionist smiled.

Thanking the woman, Meredith and Amelia both sat down in empty chairs in the small waiting area. Pulling out a small romance novel, Meredith opened it and began reading. It was mind numbing reading and it was break from the intense studying that she and Cristina were doing.

"I'm sorry about earlier," Amelia said after a moment. "It's none of my business. I just…if you need someone to talk to about what happened…you can always talk to me."

"Thank you, Amy," Meredith smiled as she looked up from her book. "I appreciate it."

Before either woman could say anything, Finn Dandridge came into the waiting room with a somber smile on his face. All three quickly went to Finn's private office and he closed the door behind them.

"Let me call my husband," Meredith sighed as she took out her phone. Dialing Derek, he picked up on the second ring.

"What's up, Meri?" he said warmly. "I'm just about to go clip a brain bleed. If you were here, I'd let you in on it."

"You're on speaker phone," Meredith replied calmly. "I'm at the vet with Doctor Dandridge. He has news about Beau."

"What's the diagnosis?" Derek asked as his voice turned suddenly serious.

"After running some tests," Finn said calmly. "Beau has bone cancer in his back left leg."

"Bone cancer?" Derek scoffed over the phone. "That's your diagnosis?"

"Derek," Meredith said in a warning tone.

"Have you explored all the other options?" Amelia demanded quickly as she held Meredith's hand for support.

"Is that Amelia?" Derek asked over the phone. "Is she there with you? Why the hell is she with you?"

"Moral support," Amelia shot back. "Why the hell aren't you here?"

"Some of us have surgeries to do!"

"Stop it, both you," Meredith snapped before a fight broke out on her phone. A small amused smile came to Finn's face as he looked at Meredith as she rolled her eyes.

"I still need to do a bone scan to see how far it's spread, Mr. Shepherd." Finn said calmly. "We'll know more then."

"Doctor Shepherd," Derek corrected in an arrogant tone. "I haven't spent half my life becoming one of the best neurosurgeons in the world to be called 'Mr. Shepherd', Doctor Dandridge."

"Ignore my egomaniac husband," Meredith said with a tight smile. "Derek, behave. You said bone cancer, Doctor Dandridge?"

"Osteosarcomas are aggressive, but uh, we can try and treat it with chemo or remove the tumor entirely. If it's spread too far, we may have to amputate the limb," Finn told them. "That's the worst case, but I want to wait to say anything more until we have the bone scan and know what's happening."

"At that point, should we even bother?"

"Derek!" Meredith snapped. "Oh, right! Let's just let him die!"

"I don't want him to suffer, Meredith," Derek said quietly over the phone. "Maybe it's better if we just—"

"I swear to God, if you tell me to put the dog to sleep, I will kill you in your sleep," Meredith threatened and Amelia grinned like she was having the time of her life listening to her brother and sister-in-law fight.

"Fine," Derek sighed. "Do whatever you have to do Dandridge to save the dog's life. I have to go perform the operation that will pay for this massive vet bill."

Derek hung up and Meredith shook her head, "Excuse me, husband. He's being McAss today, not McDreamy."

"You have a nickname for your husband?" Finn asked with an arched brow.

"If McAss is the worst thing that she calls him today, it's a good day," Amelia laughed.

"Just do everything that you can to save the dog," Meredith sighed. "I don't care about the cost."

* * *

_February 11, 2006_

Meredith walked through the crowded E.R. with a jacket on, hair pulled back into a bun, and aviator sunglasses on top of her head. Her head was spinning and she was annoyed. Izzie Stevens had been curled up in bed with Denny Duquette and Meredith was sure that she was about to blow a gasket if one more thing happened between Izzie and Denny. Denny was the patient and Meredith was getting so freaking tired of babysitting and reporting back to Bailey. She was surgeon, not a nanny service.

"Where are you going?"

Hearing Derek's voice, Meredith turned and looked at him tiredly. She raised the cooler that she was carrying.

"There's a heart for Denny Duquette. Cristina and I are going with Burke to retrieve the heart," she explained quickly. "Did you need something?"

"We have Wyatt this evening," he said as he walked with her to the elevator. He hit the up button and together, they waited. Neither of them knew quite what to say and the awkwardness between them was almost painful. It felt like they were still trying to find their footing after the fight that they'd had. It was a strange position for both of them to be in.

"I know," Meredith said.

"Are you going to be able to make?" Derek asked hopefully as the elevator dinged. They both stepped on and Meredith offered him the cooler as he hit the button that would take them to the helipad. Taking it from her, Derek watched her zip up the lightweight Seattle Grace jacket.

"I don't know. Maybe…" Meredith said after a moment.

"Meredith…it's important that we go," he sighed quietly.

"I know that it's important that we go," she snapped at him. "I do know! I just happen to have a very full plate at the moment and I am doing the very best that I can, okay? I am only one person, Derek. I have every intention of going and being there, okay?"

Look of concern crossed over Derek's face as he gently took her wrist and forced her to look at him. She could see the worry in his warm blue eyes and it made her feel pain as she thought about her baby. Would her son or daughter have had Derek's warm blue eyes?

"Are you alright?" he asked her softly. "Meredith…"

"I'm fine, Derek," Meredith sighed. "I'm just…I don't fight with you."

"I don't want to fight with you either, Meredith, but you are working long hours and studying for the intern exam that you have to take. You can tell me if—"

"I'm not exhausted," she insisted as he let go of her. "I'm not overwhelmed. I'm fine."

Derek ran his hand through his hair and shook his head at her, "You used that word so much that it doesn't even sound like a word anymore, Meredith."

Ignoring Derek's words, Meredith waited for the elevator doors to open and free her. She didn't want to be in a closed space any longer than necessary with Derek.

"Be safe," Derek said when the elevator doors opened. "I love you."

"I love you too," Meredith replied before he pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

* * *

Sitting in Wyatt's office, the tension was palpable in the air. Derek sat at the one end of the couch with his legs crossed and Meredith sat on the other end of the couch with her knees pulled to her chest. Her shoes were kicked off on the floor.

"She's your sister," Meredith sighed tiredly. "Let's give her a chance."

"My sister is a drug addict."

"She's trying to put her life back together. She knows that she's an addict and she's trying to get help."

"She crashed my car when she was high, she stole my prescription pad. Amy tried to pawn off my father's watch when she was sixteen and needed cash for drugs," Derek snapped. "Her entire history says that I shouldn't trust her."

"She knows what she did was wrong."

"When did you become such an advocate of Amelia?"

"Because I was the teenager that you just described and by your standards, I shouldn't even be allowed in my own house, Derek," Meredith snapped back. "If I was the one who was having a drinking or drug problem you wouldn't kick me to the curb. She's your sister. She's our family and yes, you're hurt. I'm hurt, but I want to help her put her life back together. She could have stayed in New York, but she came here."

"She came here because all my other sisters were smart and slammed their doors in her face," Derek sighed. "That's why Amy's here. She has no place left to go."

"Do you want to be the brother who kept his sister safe during a store robbery and then when your sister needed your love and compassion, you tossed her out?" Meredith demanded. She knew that it was a low blow, but she needed to make a point to Derek. "What would your father do?"

Derek uncrossed his legs and leaned forward.

"I'm terrified of her living with us," he admitted after several minutes of silence. "I am terrified of waking up one morning and finding her dead in our guest bedroom because she overdosed again. I don't want to go through that and with my mother staying with us now too…I don't want to see her lose another loved one. After my father died…she was a mess, Meredith. So…six months…"

"What?"

"Six months," Derek repeated as he looked at the ceiling. "She can live with us for six months with conditions."

Meredith let out a long sigh and looked up at the ceiling of Wyatt's office. "What are those conditions?"

"She has to be sober. She has to go to meetings, no men—"

"If you talked to your sister just once you would know that she was fulfilling all those conditions!" Meredith snapped. "All you do is fight with Amelia and its exhausting Derek. Amelia is trying to rebuild her life. She knows that she screwed up massively, but you're not helping. You're her older brother. You're supposed to support her and you're not. You're scared and you want to kick her out to the curb because you're scared that she'll relapse and die of an overdose. So no, I don't agree to six months."

"I am not going through what we went through in New York again with her," Derek shot back. "How many interventions did we have to stage, Meredith? How many?"

"I am well aware of how many interventions we had. That is in the past. And as for your whole 'no men' condition…it's stupid. You're sisters are sluts. There is no changing that."

"Excuse me?" Derek said as he jerked his head towards her and glared hard.

"They've all slept with Mark and God only knows who else you went to college with," Meredith sighed as she rubbed her hands over her eyes. "If Amelia meets someone…you should just be nice and supportive that she wants to date someone."

"Mark slept with all four of my sisters?" Derek asked looking shocked.

"And you called me a whore," Meredith scoffed. "I haven't slept with Mark."

Wyatt closed her note pad and looked between Meredith and Derek, "You're obviously feeling very hurt about Derek implying—"

"I've moved passed it," Meredith snapped at Wyatt. "I'm just trying to make a point. Amelia should be allowed to stay with us for however long she needs to. Instead of being supportive about her recovery, Derek and Amelia keep fighting and it's driving me crazy. I get that you're angry, Derek—"

"Meredith—" Derek said in warning, but she interrupted.

"You're still angry about what happened!" she shouted at him. "And you're taking it out on Amelia! It's not right."

"Of course I'm still angry!" Derek yelled back. "Two men came into my father's shop and killed him. No one has been held accountable for what happened. All these years later, the police have never been able to find my father's killers. Amy has thrown her life away on drugs because of what happened and the trauma has eaten her alive. So, yes! I am angry about what the hell happened that Saturday afternoon, but I'm not angry at Amelia. I'm scared of losing her like I lost my father."

Before Derek or Meredith could say any words, Derek's pager went off.

"I have to go," he mumbled as he looked down at it. "9-1-1."

"Derek," Meredith called and he stopped with his hand on the door knob. "You have to forgive them or you're never going to be able to heal. It's exhausting trying to be angry at someone. It sucks the life out of you. Being angry at you for all those months was exhausting, but I forgave you."

"It's not the same," he snapped at her.

* * *

_February 14, 2005_

Meredith stared at the closed blinds of Denny Duquette's room. Knowing that Izzie was probably in the room with Denny, she rolled her eyes. She had a Valentine's Day date to get to with Derek. Burke and Cristina had decided to make a romantic weekend of their first Valentine's Day together and Meredith didn't blame them. They'd left for wine country hours ago and Meredith had never seen Cristina so happy or excited about something that wasn't surgery. In her book, Izzie could do whatever the hell she wanted. Meredith was just so done with everything. Signing off the chart, she handed it back to the nurse and took a deep breath. She felt like she was suffocating and she couldn't understand why. It just felt like there was a huge pressure on her chest and she couldn't get rid of it. Feeling a hand on her back, Meredith forced a smile to her face as Derek smiled back at her.

"You look beautiful," he murmured before kissing her cheek.

"Thank you," Meredith smiled. "You look handsome."

Dressed in a black lace dress, Meredith had applied light makeup to her face and wore peep toe heels that probably cost more than what she made in a week's pay. Derek looked handsome in a grey suit and a light blue dress shirt that was unbuttoned at the throat. Warmth flooded Meredith's body as she looked at him. He was so handsome and when he smiled at her with his blue eyes…her stomach flipped and a tight coil formed deep inside her.

"I know that we've had a rough couple of weeks," Meredith whispered to him as he held her hand. "Can we just…enjoy Valentine's Day? Have a nice romantic evening and just…deal with everything else tomorrow?"

"Great minds think alike," Derek grinned at her. "Did Denny Duquette get his heart?"

"No," Meredith said quietly. "The heart was bad. Burke wants to keep him on the LVAD until we can find a better heart. I'm just so over…"

"Stevens is having a relationship with Denny, isn't she?" Derek finished with a sigh.

"Yes."

"We're not talking about work," Derek said a minute later with a smile. "I booked up a table at this little restaurant. We should go, we'll be late."

* * *

"How would it look?"

Lying in bed next to Derek, naked and sweaty, Meredith raised her head from where she laid on her stomach and rest on her elbows as the sheets pooled at the back of her spine.

"How would what look like?"

"Our house," Derek said as he looked at her lovingly. "What would it look like? I was gonna call and have plans drawn up, but I need to know what you want."

Meredith bit her bottom lip as she entwined her fingers with his as he laid on his back next to her with his arms outstretched on either side, "I want it to be large and spacious. Not like this one where it feels like there are walls everywhere. And you know that field that's overlooks the Seattle skyline?"

"I think that would be a pretty good view for the master bedroom," Derek grinned. "We'd have to put a fence up to make sure that no goes too close to the edge."

"I think we should do a brick one…waist high…that way we'd be able to see over the top and not lose the view of Seattle," Meredith told him. "What do you want?"

"Large bay windows because I want to be able to look out my office window and see my kids playing in the back yard. I want to be tempted to join them and I probably will. My office will be ceremonial during the day because nothing will get done if they're playing. I'll want to be with them," he admitted as he turned onto his side and ran his fingertips over the length of her ridges of her spine. "I want to be the dad that comes home and just spends the evening with his kids."

"We'll need five bedrooms." Meredith whispered, "Four bedrooms for the kids…a spare room for whatever we need it to be, a master bedroom for us with a very nice closet because I need a place to store my shoes, Derek."

"Lots of shelf space and hanger space," he spoke. "What about the bathroom?"

"The only thing that I want in the master bathroom is a tub that is deep enough that covers my boobs and my knees. Double sink too…and a shower with a glass door."

"That's three things," Derek teased, "Why a glass door?"

"So I can spy on you," Meredith whispered as her lips hovered close to his. "You want an office…"

"One for you as well," he whispered back, "A playroom with heated floors."

"Can I have heated floors in my bathroom?" Meredith asked, "I don't want to have cold feet."

"Heated floors through the whole house," Derek answered. "We should also have a nice large deck."

"A pool?" she suggested, "To go skinny dipping after the kids go to sleep."

"I love the way you think. Speaking of love, I got you a Valentine's Day gift."

Derek kissed her lips softly before pulling away and reaching for a bag on the floor. Putting on the bed in front of her, Meredith smiled as she looked at the wrapping paper stuffed on top of the bag. Pulling the paper off, she reached in and was surprised to wrap her hand around a heavy glass jar.

"What did you get me?" she laughed. Pulling the jar out, Meredith froze for a moment before laughing. A human heart was inside the jar and it glowed brightly.

"You remembered," she chuckled as she looked at him. "You remembered me telling you about how I wanted a glow in the dark kidney as a kid. How did you get this?"

"I'm a big, fancy neurosurgeon who's an egomaniac and I have a wife won't let me forget it," Derek smiled as his fingers never stopped trailing over her spine. "I can get whatever I want. I figured getting you a heart was more sensible than a kidney. You and your love of hearts…and it's Valentine's Day."

"Thank you," Meredith smiled as she leaned in and kissed his lips, "Thank you so much for this. I love it…we have such a funny sense of humor."

"We have a nightlight for our kids when they come to sleep with us," Derek teased when he pulled away.

Setting the jar with the heart on the nightstand, Meredith opened the top drawer and took out the small leather box that she'd showed Carolyn. Handing it over, she smiled at Derek.

"I hope you like this gift," she said softly. "If you don't…I understand."

"I like anything you give me," Derek teased before opening up the lid. He froze and looked at the silver watch before looking at Meredith.

"How'd you get this?" he asked softly as he took the watch out of the leather box. She watched as he ran his fingertips over the silver clock body before flipping it over.

"Max," he read softly. "Meredith, how'd you get this? I haven't seen this watch since I was twelve. I always wanted one…I thought about buy a replica of it, but…"

"It took me a few phone calls, but they released it to me," she said softly. "The state of New York has closed the case."

"I know," Derek replied, "NYPD called and told me."

"I was able to get the watch afterwards," Meredith whispered back. "Savvy had it sent out here and I tracked down the best watchmaker in Seattle to restore it. I just thought…you'd want a piece of your dad as we move forward with our life. We're building a house, we're planning to have kids…I just thought you'd want to have a piece of your dad with you through everything…he can be with you every day now."

She wasn't prepared for the kiss that he pressed to her lips. It was pure love and it nearly brought tears to her eyes when he pulled away.

"Thank you…after everything…I don't deserve this."

Meredith didn't say anything…she just kissed him again and let him press her back into the sheets. Their clothing had long since been tossed aside and she could feel his warm skin against hers as he laid between her legs. His kisses renewed the flame that had been burning in her earlier. Running her fingers through his hair, Meredith moaned when he kissed behind her ear. A shock wave of pleasure was sent to her hot core and she could felt his hardness pressed against her thigh. He kissed her neck and Meredith let her eyes close as pleasure hummed through her body.

Her hands traveled over his chest feeling the soft hairs that were littered there. Tracing each muscle of his back and chest before breaking away from his lips, Meredith kissed his neck and enjoyed the way the smooth skin of his jaw felt on her lips.

"Meredith," he moaned softly. "Please…"

Kissing the column of his neck, Meredith felt Derek rest on his forearms above her. She could feel him press his pelvis against her and the feeling was delicious as it warmed her. Moving her hands to explore the expanse of his muscular back and spine, she kissed her way down his sternum before taking one of his pebbled nipples into her mouth. His hips bucked against her core and she moaned as she swirled her tongue. He ground his hips against her and his head fell back when she sucked his nipple between her teeth and lightly bit down. Derek cried out as she repeated the same process before she kissed her way back up his sternum to his lips. His hands eagerly cupped her breast and she moaned as he rubbed himself against her hot core.

Derek kissed her lips slowly, and she cupped his cheeks. She wanted him so badly that it physically hurt. She wanted him and she wanted him to make her feel good like only he could. Derek could make her feel in ways that she'd never dreamt possible.

"Derek," she whispered breathlessly as he pulled away from her for a brief moment. His lips returned to hers and the tight coil that had been growing low in her abdomen grew tighter. His hand slipped between their bodies and she gasped against his lips he brushed her clit. A second later, Derek pulled away and grabbed two pillows. Lifting her hips as he slipped the pillows under her, Meredith knew exactly what he was doing and she knew how good it was going to feel. Derek grabbed her hips as her fingers slightly curled as her hands rested near her shoulders. He grinned down and she smiled back at him as she bit her bottom lip.

He took hold of himself and teased her hot, wet entrance. Meredith couldn't stop the way her hips rolled against him as she looked for the friction that her body so desperately wanted. She felt like her body break like a rubber band from the tension that Derek was weaving throughout her body. Over and over again he teased her until neither of them could take it. With one swift jerk of his hips, Derek entered her and they both cried out at the feeling of him being in her. Meredith felt her back arch from the angle of their position and as Derek moved his hips…

Gripping the sheets tightly, she bit her bottom lip and tried not to cry loudly at the feeling of his shaft hitting the one place inside her that brought blinding pleasure again and again. Derek was merciless on her as he brushed him thumb back and forth over her clit. Legs hooked over his hips, Meredith felt her whole body tremble and she couldn't stop herself from crying out as he applied more and more pressure to her clit as he rubbed back and forth. Added with the rolling of his hips, Meredith was certain that he was going to give her pleasure induced heart attack.

Panting, his speed increased and Meredith grasped the pillow above her head. Her whole body felt like it was shaking and she could barely think as say anything to Derek. The coil was getting tighter and tighter as she felt herself racing towards the pleasurable abyss that her body desperately craved. He thrust into her harder than ever and with one more thrust, Meredith cried out loudly as her spine arched and she grasped his hands that clenched her hips tightly. He thrust several more times before every muscle in his body tensed. His head fell back and he made a strangled sound that was a combination of a moan and a yell. Panting hard, Meredith looked up at him before her eyes went wide.

"Oh my God," she breathed as he collapsed beside her. "Your mom is staying with us. Do you think she heard us?"

Derek chuckled, "Oh, she heard us. Sweetheart, you've never been quiet and I love you for it."

Meredith playful hit him with a pillow as he laughed. He grabbed her and pulled her back into his arms and kissed her.

"I love you," he whispered after they'd stopped laughing and their bodies had relaxed. "I love you so much."

* * *

It was close to three in the morning when Meredith heard her pager going off. She'd just fallen asleep and reaching for it, she squinted at the offensive device. Read the message as it glowed blindingly at her, Meredith felt her heard skip a beat.

_Call now. LVAD wire situation. 9-1-1 Alex._

It took a few moments for her brain for process what she'd read, but when it did Meredith sat up straight in bed. She knew that Izzie was emotional involved with a patient, but Meredith hadn't banked on Izzie being stupid enough to cut Denny's LVAD wire. Reading the message again, Meredith shook her head as she scrambled over a sleeping Derek to grab her cell phone.

"Do I even want to know?" he grumbled as he held her hips to keep her steady as she straddled him and frantically dialed Alex's number. "I was almost asleep."

Pushing her hair out of her face, Meredith waited as she looked down at Derek.

"Alex, what the hell happened?" she demanded as she put the cell phone on speaker phone so Derek could hear the conversation.

"Izzie cut Denny Duquette's LVAD wire," Alex said quickly as she could hear lots of noise in the background.

"Goddamn it," Meredith swore as Derek looked up at her fully alert. "What the hell is happening? Is Denny stable?"

"Webber brought in a transplant specialist from Seattle Pres. We're taking him to surgery now," Alex explained quickly. "Where are you?"

"It's Valentine's Day!" Meredith snapped, "I went out to dinner with my husband and then came home. Where the hell do you think I am?"

"Webber and Bailey want to see you," Alex sighed. "It doesn't look good for Izzie. Look, I have to go. This Hahn chick needs another pair of hands to help her and I'd offer the surgery to you, but you won't be here in time."

"Oh, fuck me," Meredith groaned as she hung up the phone and looked down at Derek from where she'd straddled him.

"Gladly," Derek said as he grinned up at her.

"Be quiet, I have to go," she whispered as she leaned down to kiss him. He nodded and Meredith slipped out of bed. Quickly grabbing a pair of skinny jeans, Meredith slipped them on before putting on one of Derek's t-shirts and throwing her hair up into a ponytail. Sliding her feet into ballet flats, Meredith grabbed a stylish leather jacket and her keys. She couldn't figure out what she was more pissed about.

Izzie cutting the wire or being robbed of the chance to wake up naked with Derek…

* * *

_February 15, 2006_

It was late in the afternoon when Meredith finally returned home. She'd run into Derek at the hospital and he'd told her that he wouldn't be home until late. Dropping her purse down on the kitchen table, Meredith nearly jumped when she saw Carolyn standing in the doorway to the laundry room that was off the kitchen.

"Afternoon," Meredith said cheerfully. "How's your day going?"

"Oh, good," Carolyn replied with a smile. "I went with Addison to see a house. Mark got caught up in some surgery. Oh, Addison says to call her. She says that you're avoiding her."

"I'm not," Meredith defended even though she knew that she was avoiding Addison and her baby bump. She was being a horrible friend, but she didn't know what else to do. Every time that she saw Addison…it was difficult and it brought up difficult emotions that Meredith didn't want to have to deal with.

"So," Carolyn continued casually. "My son? Is he as good in bed as Mark? I've heard Addison brag about her…bedroom situation and judging from the sounds I heard last night…would my son give Mark a run for his money?"

Meredith felt her cheeks go red as she cradled her forehead, "You heard us?"

"Meredith, the whole block heard the two of you," Carolyn laughed as she set her laundry basket down on the kitchen table. "Poor Amelia came and slept with me because of the headboard hitting the wall and jerking her bed."

"Oh my God," Meredith mumbled. "I am so sorry!"

"Why should you be sorry? You're young, married, childless, and it was Valentine's Day. You two deserve to have some fun."

Amelia walked into the kitchen at that moment with a grin on her face, "What's up, you screamer?"

"Oh, my God," Meredith mumbled again as she covered her face with her hands. "This isn't happening."

A second later her head jerked up and she looked at both women with wide eyes. Swallowing down the panic, Meredith raced from the kitchen and up to her and Derek's bedroom. Quickly looking in the trash, she swallowed hard. There was only one condom tied off in the trash…and she'd had sex with him more than once…

"Shit," she whispered.

* * *

**Response to Reviews:**

**Greysfannn: Thanks for the review! So glad that you loved the chapter! Maybe you'll get your wish…**

**Khi33: Thanks for the review! Amy will have her roles…more is on the way! Glad you're loving it!**

**Jenwa85: So glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way! Thanks for the review!**

**Guest#1: Thanks for the review! Maybe you'll get you're wish;) **

**Patsy: Thanks for the review! So, a little more of Meredith's past is revealed. She's had her own nude picture scandal with Orion and the consent is seriously questionable. Derek will be addressing that later…promise. As for Amy…well, she'll be play a vital part of her own in Derek's healing. Hope you liked Valentine's Day…More is on the way.**

**Iourdi: Thanks for the review! So glad that you're happy with Derek! Hopefully he didn't fall too far in your esteem. We couldn't have rainbows forever. **

**Guest#2: Thanks for the review! Feeling much better! More is on the way! So glad that you're loving the story!:)**

**Susan: Thanks for the review! Amy won't be taking over the story. She's an important part in a later arc with Derek and his healing from his father's death. Plus…Hunt! As for Meredith…a little more has been revealed and it's not good. It's dark and Derek wasn't prepared to hear what he heard in many ways. As for Valentine's Day…hope you enjoyed…as for the baby…maybe you'll get your wish…More is on the way!**

**Chicagonp2012: Thanks for the review! Glad that you loved it. We did touch on Meredith's history a little and Valentine's Day…well, that's one for the books…More is on the way…**

**Melanie: Thanks for the review! I have plans! Trust me! There are plans! We're getting there! This story had evolved so much and we're getting there…we always do! Hope you enjoyed Valentine's Day!:) More is on the way!**

**Chloe: Thanks for the review! So glad that you love it! More is on the way!:) **

**GayleLynn: Thanks for the review! More has been revealed and even thought she and Derek haven't really talked about it, more is coming. Valentine's day saved us from some hard conversations that are coming up...hope you enjoyed!**

**Mcdreamyforever: Glad it was hawt! Hopefully this was hotter for you…Thanks for the review! More will be revealed about Meredith and what she's been through. I am doing well! Thank you so much for your well wishes! I can feel them!:)**

**Erica: Thank you! So glad that you're enjoying the story! Hope Valentine's Day lived up to everything you hoped! Thank you for the review! **

**Guest#3: Yes…black lace…Glad you liked it! As for the red lace…it didn't come out, but I'm sure that Meredith has some in her closet somewhere…Thanks for the review!**

**Jenny: Thanks for the review! More is on the way!:)**

* * *

**See you soon...let's try for maybe thirty plus reviews! I have so many reviewers and I know plenty of you have something to say about the latest development...**

_**EDITED 3/27/2017**_


	14. XIV: You Found Me

**Author's Note: **

**Yes! We did it! 31 reviews! I promised myself that the moment we went over 30 that I'd post the next chapter! This one covers 2x27 and it will be a little shorter than most, but it's setting up for next chapter! Plus, we had to cover some ground that was important to cover. I've had several questions, comments, and concerns about Elliot Bay...I'll tell you all about it at the bottom...**

**See you there! **

**All errors are my own, sorry!:(**

* * *

**Chapter XIV**

"…_Where were you when everything was falling apart?__  
__All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang__  
__And all I needed was a call that never came__  
__To the corner of 1st and Amistad_

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me__  
__Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded__  
__Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?__  
__Just a little late, you found me, you found me…"__  
_  
~ "You Found Me" – The Fray

_Two and a half weeks later…_

_March 3, 2006_

"I can't stand this one," Meredith said as they stared up at the ceiling of the high end mattress store they were in. Derek had always been one for wanting the best and Meredith agreed, but when it came to mattresses, it was an uphill battle for the both of them.

"The board is making their decision about Stevens today," Derek murmured as they lay on the bed next to each other. Meredith closed her eyes because she didn't respond. Since cutting the LVAD wire, Izzie had been suspended. There had been a huge gap in the program and it had only caused headaches for everyone including Meredith and Cristina. Behind their backs, people whispered how if it had been one of the cardio twins, no one would have been punished. It still hurt that no one could take her or Cristina seriously. It felt like every time something happened, she and Cristina weren't doctors. They were just the wives of two brilliant doctors. Working their asses off, she and Cristina had done their best to just keep their heads down. It was paying off, but Bailey had been on the warpath for two weeks about Izzie practically killing Denny Duquette and she was exhausted. A new heart had been found for Denny and he'd been discharged from the hospital, but the man was keeping his distance from Izzie and Meredith didn't blame the guy. Izzie had acted rashly and it could have killed the man. She'd gotten emotionally involved to the point where it jeopardized her judgment and she could have killed Denny as a result. Meredith understood wanting to help patients, but Izzie had crossed a line that no doctor should have been willing to cross.

"Whatever they decide…we will put the issue behind us all," she finally said after a minute. "I do feel bad for Stevens, but I just want this whole thing to be over with. This bed is a no."

They both sat up and moved to the next bed where they laid down. The poor salesman that had been trailing behind them all morning let out a sigh. They were difficult shoppers. Meredith knew it, but when it came to sleep she and Derek did deserve the best. They tried out every bed as the salesman looked hopelessly at them as they both stared at the ceiling of the store while lying on the next bed.

"This one isn't too bad," Meredith admitted as she wiggled on the bed before sitting up on her elbows, "Does it come in a king size?"

"Yes," the long suffering salesman said quietly. "Whatever size you need…"

"Finn thinks we should put Beau to sleep today. It's been a month since his diagnosis and there's been no improvement," Derek said as he sat up on the bed. "Mattress shopping is just our way of putting on the evitable…at least that's what Amelia told me this morning."

"You and Amy talked? This morning, Derek?" Meredith asked with surprise as she looked at her husband.

"You insist that I live under the same roof as her. We ran into each other at the coffee pot this morning. I have to talk to her at some point as you keep telling me," he pointed out. "This bed is too hard."

Meredith sat up and swung her legs around the side, "You should go with your sister this afternoon…I guess she's leading at her NA meeting. I think it would be good for you to go."

Derek didn't say anything as the moved onto the next bed and laid down next to her on the comfortable mattress.

"We have to put Beau to sleep," he said again after a moment of silence.

"I know," Meredith whispered. "I know."

"Meredith, I could go and be with Beau. You don't…you don't have to go. You don't have to have your last memory of him be of him dying."

"No," she said as she sat up. "Amelia's meeting is at two o'clock. It's eleven-thirty, so that gives us plenty of time to go put Beau to sleep and get you to Amelia's meeting. Promise me that you'll go."

Meredith wasn't going to tell him that part of her wanted him out of the house because she was panicking. She'd been silently freaking out for weeks and the past four days had been the worse. Her period was four days late, but she wasn't experiencing any of the symptoms that she'd had the first time being pregnant. The first time she'd been pregnant, the nausea had been unbearable. Every smell had made her sick and she'd barely been able to keep anything down. Now, she had nothing. She felt fine. She didn't feel like she was going to cry every time she saw some sappy, romantic jewelry commercial or coffee advertisement. She didn't know what to do or think. All Meredith knew was that she was four days late and it possibly meant that she was pregnant…again.

"I promise that I will go, but we don't have to put Beau to sleep today," Derek replied calmly. "We can do it another day."

"Today is the day. Today is the only day that you and I have off at the same time. There's like a blue freaking moon outside because you and I both have today off. I'm not putting Beau asleep alone on different day," she told him quickly as she stood up and grabbed her bag. "Today is the day. Now, let's pick out a freaking mattress that doesn't creak and reveals to your mother that we're having sex."

Derek chuckled, "It was a good Valentine's Day though."

"For you maybe," Meredith snapped back at him. "I still can't look your mother in the eye."

Derek laughed as they moved onto the next bed and lay down. She didn't even want to think about Valentine's Day. She couldn't think about the fact that they'd had unprotected sex several times. When they'd first gotten married, she and Derek had been so careful about sex. He'd always had a condom in his wallet and they'd always made sure that it never broke. They had been so careful. Meredith could only think of a handful of times when she and Derek had actually had sex without any form of protection. One of those times had resulted in her being pregnant. She could still remember the way his lips had felt against her as he'd pushed her down into the softness of their bed. They'd been to the most boring charity dinner parties that they'd ever been forced to attend for Derek's hospital, but the moment that they'd gotten through the front door…Derek's hands and lips had been everywhere. Meredith's whole body had soaked up every kiss, touch and bite from him like a person who hadn't had a drop of water in weeks. Neither one of them had been thinking about protection that night. No, the only thing that they'd been thinking about had been the pleasure of the other person's body that they'd craved. It had been the only possible night that they'd conceived their first child and Meredith had been so happy when she'd gotten a positive pregnancy test result three weeks later.

Now, she was terrified that a second time was going to result in her being pregnant again at the most inopportune moment. She had a residency to complete, a marriage to keep working on, her mother and sister-in-law were in town and Addison was going to have her baby in four months. Meredith didn't feel like she could handle having a baby at that very moment. It just felt like too much.

As much as she wanted a child…she didn't want one badly enough in that moment.

* * *

Standing next to Derek in the exam room at the vet's office, she tried not to cry as she watched Beau lay tiredly on the table. He looked so sick and weak that it broke her heart. She'd love the little dog in the short time that she'd had him. He'd been her strength. He'd been loving to her…even when she'd had to leave him alone for hours on end to work. Beau had been her first dog and companion. To see him die from cancer…it hurt badly. Feeling Derek's hand gently rub her back, Meredith promised herself that she wouldn't cry, but she knew it was a promise that she couldn't keep. Running her fingertips over Beau's fur, Meredith looked up when Finn Dandridge cleared his throat.

"There are a few forms that need to be signed," Finn said quietly. "I just need one signature."

"I'll do it," Derek said softly as he reached out and took the clipboard. Meredith watched as he scribbled his name on to the papers. It was a signature that she'd come to know so well. It was almost comforting to see him do such a simple thing.

_Derek C. Shepherd, M.D., F.A.C.S._

Derek handed the clipboard and pen back to Finn and he wrapped his arm around her. His hand gently cupped her elbow as his hand ran over Beau's silky fur along with her.

"How do we do this?" Meredith asked trying to stop her voice from breaking. Instinctively, she turned towards Derek and leaned into him. He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her arm.

"It's okay," he whispered softly. "You can cry. It's okay to cry."

Meredith nodded and bit her bottom lip as she felt her tears slipping down her cheeks. Growing up with Ellis…tears had been looked at as a horrible thing. Something to be repressed and put away, but with Derek…he didn't think seeing her cry was weakness. It made her human. She had cared for Beau and losing him hurt. She was in pain. She was allowed to cry even as her mother screamed in her head to stop crying.

"Well, I'll give Beau an injection of Terazole to make him sleepy," Finn said quietly. "Then I'll give him an IV injection of Phenobarbital and that'll stop his heart."

"And what do we do after? With his body?" Meredith asked softly as she looked at Finn with concern.

"We can…we have the means to dispose of it for you," Finn answered calmly.

"Dispose of it?" Meredith said shakily as she looked up at Derek and then back to Finn. "Dispose? You can't throw him away like he's garbage. He's our dog!"

"We would never—"

"There's that clearing by the trailer," Derek told her softly as he gently rubbed her back. His warm hand was calm and reassuring as he spoke. It was like a lifeline that Meredith needed. She needed his strength more than she realized as she listened to his words.

"Overlooking the water?" she whispered back.

"Yeah, we can bury him there. He'll love it. He used to sit there and look out at the water when I'd take him fishing with me."

Meredith nodded in agreement and let out a shaky sigh as Derek instinctively held her closer.

"Are you ready?" Finn asked as Meredith and Derek both gently pet Beau's fur for the last time. Leaning down, Meredith scratched behind Beau's ears and smiled tearfully.

"I'm sorry, Beau," she whispered as Derek rubbed her back soothingly.

"Okay, I'll begin," Finn told them and reached for Beau's paw. The small dog struggled away, but Meredith ran his soft ear between her thumb and index fingers as Derek held Beau so the Yorkie dog couldn't struggle.

"It's okay," Meredith whispered tearfully to the dog, "It's okay. It's okay. You doubt have to fight it. It's okay."

Finn gave the injection of Phenobarbital and slowly, Beau stopped fighting Derek and became still. Meredith raised her hand to cover her mouth as tears fell down her cheeks. She turned to Derek and he wrapped his arms around her. Not caring that she was ruining his nice blue shirt or the dark navy v-neck sweater that he wore over it, Meredith cried silently as she clung to him. His finger tips ran through her hair and he held her close. It hurt and the pain was raw. She'd loved Beau and losing him…she ached inside for his loss. Beau had always been so happy to see her and she already missed him so badly that her heart hurt. He'd been her one constant since coming to Seattle.

"It's okay," Derek murmured. "It's alright. He's not in pain anymore."

Pulling away, Meredith nodded as she brushed her tears away from her cheek as she looked at Finn.

"He's gone?" she asked and the vet nodded at them sadly.

"You should go," Meredith said as she looked back at Derek and fixed the collar of his light blue dress shirt. "You'll miss Amelia's meeting and lead if you don't."

"Meredith," Derek protested weakly. "I should stay here with you."

"No, you promised that you'd go to Amelia's meeting, so go. Please, Derek."

He gave her a defeated look before pressing a kiss to her cheek, "Call if you need me, for anything, Meredith. I'm serious, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered back in a shaky voice.

"Okay, I love you," he whispered back.

"I love you, too," Meredith said before he pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

"Everything is gonna be alright."

"I know," she whispered. "Go, before you're late."

Derek nodded and gave Beau one last look before walking out of the exam room and leaving Meredith alone with Finn. She looked down at Beau. Derek was gone and she could breathe. She could let herself panic for a few hours about the possible baby that she was carrying. Everything felt like it was going wrong and Meredith didn't know what to do as she stared down at Beau. She needed to leave and go to the drug store, but she couldn't pull herself away from the dog that she'd come to love as something much more. Hearing Finn clear his throat, Meredith looked up at the man with an arched brow.

"Can I ask you a question?" he said as he looked at her. "This might be really bad timing and insensitive, but I'm just…I can't help myself."

"What's your question?" Meredith asked as she cocked her head to the side and stared at the man who'd gotten so easily flustered.

"How does a girl like you end up with a guy like him?" Finn blurted out after a moment and Meredith smiled as she gently touched Beau's cooling body. "It just seems insensitive of him to leave you here after just losing your dog. It makes him look like an ass."

"He's not an ass," Meredith defended softly as she looked back down at Beau. "You've only met him once. Today and you heard him on the phone with his sister. Derek…he's not an ass. He's a man who saves lives. You know he's one of about twenty people in the entire world who remove the tumors that others are afraid to remove? He's not an ass. He was the man who let Beau out at four in the morning because I was too tired to get up. He took Beau running with him and…Beau loved to go fishing with Derek. They were a sight…the neuro god and this little Yorkie dog sitting side by side on this dock that is attached to this lake that we own on our land. Derek was good friend to Beau. They were good for each other. So no, Derek isn't an ass. He's someone who you have to get to know to love. He told me that on our first date. Are you married, Doctor Dandridge?"

"Widowed," Finn answered quietly.

"I'm sorry," she answered sincerely. "I can't imagine what that must be like."

* * *

Meredith was sure that there was nothing more nerve wracking than taking a pregnancy test. A part of her was excited. The thought of a baby made her giddy and happy, but it also filled her with fear and terror. She couldn't help, but to fear having a miscarriage and the horrible timing of actually having a baby.

What if there was something wrong with her?

What if she couldn't give Derek children like she wanted to?

What if she was defective or something was screwed up with her uterus that prevented her from ever having a baby?

Pushing those thoughts away and realizing that she was getting to far ahead Meredith let out a deep breath as she paced the length of their private bathroom and waited impatiently for the damn three minutes to be up. A small part of her hoped that she was pregnant. The thought of having created a new life with Derek filled her with such happiness and glee that she could barely contain it, but a larger part of her hoped that the test was negative. A baby at this point in their lives would be a bad thing and she wasn't sure that she could cope with being a mother. She couldn't cope if something were to go wrong and she lost another child. She had never truly gotten over losing her first child. To lose a second…Meredith wasn't sure she'd even want to try and get pregnant when they did finally decide to start their family. Taking a deep breath, Meredith fought hard to try and find a middle ground between all her emotions. There was a possibility that she was late due to stress. It had happened before and Derek had been supportive then. She could remember when they'd been married only a year and she'd lost her period due to the stress of school. They'd both been concerned. Twenty-something year old women weren't supposed to lose their periods. He'd been with her through all the doctor's appointments and he'd been there to help her get her body back on track afterwards. Maybe that was happening again, but if she hadn't just lost her period…if she was pregnant…

It wouldn't be the end of the world, Meredith told herself.

She and Derek would simply have to juggle their lives differently. Termination wasn't an option for either of them. He would want their child as much as she did. There was no denying that Derek would be a good father. No matter what happened in the future, Derek would be a good father and he would love their child unconditionally. Hearing her phone beep as it alerted her that the three minutes was up, Meredith quickly went to the sink and looked down at the test. She swallowed hard as tears pricked the back of her eyes.

There was a positive sign on one of the tests.

The second test had a negative sign.

* * *

Walking through the hospital quickly, Meredith breathed a sigh of relief at seeing Addison. She was standing at a nurse's station and writing on a chart. Grabbing her best friend by the elbow, Meredith dragged the pregnant woman into an on-call room and locked the door behind her and breathed a sigh of relief that they were all alone.

"Meredith, what the hell is going on with you," Addison snapped as she put her hands on her hips. "You don't call, you don't text. You basically cut me out of your life and then you drag me into an on-call room? What the hell is going on with you? And don't give me some bullshit answer. I want the damn truth!"

"I know that I have been a shitty friend," Meredith snapped back as bounced on the balls of her feet. "You don't have to tell me. I know! Okay? I know, but I need your help. Please, Addison. I need you to be my friend, right now."

"You need my help? After all the crap and the silence for months, you need my help?" Addison shot back furiously. "You have to be kidding. I feel like you've practically replaced me with Yang. Why don't you get her to help you?"

"Because I need you, Addison! Cristina can't help me. Yes, I need your help," Meredith said desperately. "Please, I need your help. I wouldn't be here if I didn't need you, Addison. I know that I've been a crappy friend. You can yell at me all you want later, but right now, I need you to help me!"

"What do you need me for?" Addison asked furiously as she crossed her arms crossed over her chest and arched her brow. "You hardly ever need me for anything now, most days. Why the hell should I help you?"

"I need you to give me a trans-vaginal ultrasound," Meredith said quickly in one breath. "You're the only one in this hospital who won't blurt out a secret or shame me for something. So, please help me. I think that I am pregnant and I need to know for sure. Please, Addison. After everything that has happened between us…I need your help."

Addison's eyes went wide and her arms felt to her side.

"You think that you're pregnant?" she asked in a softer tone with concern marring her beautiful face. "You're pregnant, Meredith?"

"I don't know," Meredith said as a wave of tears hit her. "I might be. I'm four days late with my period, but I don't feel pregnant. I have none of the symptoms that some women get when they are pregnant. That's why I need the ultra-sound. I have to know for sure. I should be like what? Close to five weeks?"

"It can be too soon to have some of those symptoms," Addison replied as she quickly shifted into being a doctor. "I'm busy right now. Can't you get Yang to do the ultrasound for you?"

"She's in surgery and I need you," Meredith murmured tearfully. "Please, Addison. I need you."

"Okay," Addison agreed without hesitation. "I can help you."

"Thank you," Meredith sighed tiredly. "I just need to know if I'm pregnant or not because I had a positive result at home and I…I just need to know, Addie. I can't live in limbo. I have to know for sure."

"We could just do a blood test," Addison reasoned calmly. "That would be easier."

"I'm terrified of needles and I'm a hard stick. Trans-Vag is easier for everyone," Meredith smiled back tiredly. "This won't take long. I'm even waxed down there so I look nice for you."

"Fine," Addison laughed. "Let's go stick a probe up your vagina and scar me for life. Jesus, if Mark finds out about this…he's gonna have a field day. You owe me for this, just so you know, Grey. You owe me."

"Okay," Meredith agreed quietly as Addison opened the door the on-call room. In a matter of minutes, she would know if she really was pregnant. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she couldn't choose between being happy or being terrified. There was no single emotion that attached to her in that single moment.

* * *

Slipping into the back of the auditorium that the NA meeting was being held at, Derek sat down in one of the back rows. He felt almost silly being there, but he'd promised Meredith that he'd go and he was keeping his promise. A realization came to Derek as he took a few steps down the aisle way. He did keep his promises to Meredith more than he'd ever had in New York. In New York, he'd been an absent husband. Silently, Derek took a seat in the back of the auditorium and wondered how many nights Meredith had spent alone. When he first bought the brownstone, Derek had been sure to have a state of the art security system installed. At night, when he'd been pulled into emergency surgeries, the security system had given him peace of mind during the surgery. He knew that Meredith was safe, but Derek now understood the difference in Meredith's mind. In New York, she hadn't wanted security. She'd wanted him to not leave her alone and she'd been right to want him. She hadn't deserved the loneliness that she'd felt, and Derek suspected that he'd left her feeling lonely for not months, but years. He'd probably spent the first five years of their marriage building up his career and they'd both tried to make an effort in their marriage, but he'd gotten so involved with work.

The Brain Mapping project had slowly, but surely taken over his life and Meredith had suffered the most for it. He could remember her going and trying to have dinner with him at the hospital. They'd sit for maybe ten minutes and talk about mundane topics before he'd get paged away from the cafeteria. She'd smile and tell him to go, but he could clearly remember now the look of disappointment and sadness that was constant in her eyes. He'd been an absent husband, but he was trying to fix what had been broken.

He wasn't the same man that he'd been in New York.

Looking up, he saw Amy stand up and clear her throat. She looked nervous and Derek had never pegged her for being a nervous speaker. Crossing his legs, he curled his fist under his chin and prepared himself to hear her story.

"Hi, I'm Amy and I'm an addict," she began nervously. "A little about myself, I'm thirty-two. I'm the youngest of four girls and I have one brother who, God bless him, managed to grow up with us. He's a surgeon and when I ask him why he went into surgery, he always tells me that surgery is quiet and he likes quiet because growing up with four sisters was way too loud and crazy which I can understand being a surgeon myself."

The crowd chuckled and Derek even cracked a smile in the back of the auditorium. Amelia was right. Growing up as the only boy in his family had been…traumatic, at times. He could remember the fights that had happened between his sisters over bathroom time and how there always seemed be some sort of drama happening in their personal lives. At ten, he'd met Mark at a summer camp and he'd found a brother. His mother had unofficially adopted Mark and it had changed his whole life…having a brother and a friend like Mark had been an experience he hoped that his own son had some day.

"I'm from New York, born and raised," Amelia continued with a smile. "I had a pretty happy childhood. I had sisters who liked to tease me and an overprotective brother who to this day is one of the sweetest people that I know. He's a neurosurgeon like me and he's one of the best in the world. He and I…when I was about eight my father was shot in the head and he, uh, he kept me safe when that happened. I don't remember much about it, but I remember my brother's arms and him just holding on like crazy to me. That day is fuzzy to me, but that's the one thing that I really remember clearly, my brother holding onto me. He didn't let go of me until our mother reached us in the hospital. He must have held onto to me for hours."

Unlike Amelia, Derek could remember that day clearly. He would never forget that day for as long as he lived. Anger burned deep inside of him and he resent those two men who had murdered his father. Their faces were blurry images to him, but he could still remember the fear that he'd felt that day. He could still remember holding onto Amelia and praying that the gun men didn't find them as they hid in the back office together. Derek looked down at his hands that were folded in his lap and the watch that he wore…his father's watch.

He could hear Meredith's words in his head. She'd told him that he had to forgive those men for killing his father, but it was hard. Those men had robbed him of the man he'd loved more than anything. Max Shepherd had been a good father and husband and it had been cruel that the man had been taken away from his family. The men that had robbed his father's store had murdered him, but a wave of pity washed over Derek a second later.

Why had they robbed the store?

What was the reason they needed the money?

Closing his eyes, Derek let himself become immersed in the memory of his father's death. He could remember only seeing the arm of the man holding the gun, but he could vividly see track marks on the man's arms in the memory. His father had been murdered for drugs…

Opening his eyes and looking at Amy, he listened to her story and felt a different feeling overcome him. He couldn't quite identify what it was, but hearing Amy talk about the pain she'd suffered in life and how she'd abused drugs, his mind went to Meredith. She'd admitted to using drugs and alcohol as a teenager. Her childhood and teenage years had been long and filled with trauma and tragedy. He could remember her telling him that she'd been looking for someone to just want to her. She'd been looking for an escape like Amelia and she'd found it in sex, drugs and alcohol. She'd let men use her body for the wrong reasons simply because she'd craved the feeling of being wanted by someone…anyone. Her mother had withheld that from her and Ellis had been cruel about it. Meredith had spent her summers abroad or stuck in the Hampton's alone where she'd tried to escape the feelings that she had no idea how to express or control.

Amelia had tried to escape as well…she'd tried to escape the pain of having her father violently ripped out of her life without warning. Amelia had spent years running, but she had stopped. Listening to her, Derek knew that she was facing her demons. She was proving to those men that had murdered their father that she was better than they were. She was proving that she was capable of forgiveness and the anger that Derek felt inside shifted to pity.

He did pity those men. He pitied them because they'd thrown their lives away instead of turning their pain into something more like Meredith and Amelia had. Sitting in the back of the auditorium, Derek could easily imagine Meredith being the woman sharing her story. Her story would be different…it would be about neglect…but it would mirror Amy's story.

Sucking in a deep breath, Derek understood what she'd said about forgiveness. She'd had to forgive him to move on with him and their life. He'd been a horrible husband for months…years, but she'd forgiven him even when he hadn't deserved her forgiveness. She could have easily used him as an excuse to drink and return to popping pills like she had as a teenager, but she hadn't. Meredith understood the power of forgiveness and she'd told him exactly how to heal his relationship with Amelia and heal the pain and anger that he felt inside about his father's death. He had to forgive those men to move on and let go of the anger that had been inside him for year.

"I'm, uh, living with my brother right now," Amelia said and Derek looked up at her as she spoke. "My mom is with us. Our friends, Mark and Addison are having a baby and my mom wanted to be here for the birth and I came with her. I didn't come for the baby. I came because I needed a new start. I needed to leave everyone in New York because they fed my addiction or I had alienated my family and friends to the point that they didn't want to be around me. People in New York…they gave me excuses as to why it was okay to use. It's been hard because I have hurt my brother. He's the person I always felt closet to since I was a child. I've hurt him deeply, but I know that if I keep coming to my meetings, working my steps…doing the right thing every day…I hope that one day I can apologize and earn his trust back. Losing his trust…his respect…it's been the hardest thing because he and I were close as children. He was my best friend growing up. The one absolute that I have today is that I choose to be clean and sober. I chose that I won't use drugs. My brother's wife is an incredible woman and every morning…she leaves me a note. Sometimes it's a funny comic or a quote, but she always tells me that she believes in me and I've come to the point that I believe in myself again. I believe that I can move on with my life. I believe that it's possible to forgive and heal…she's taught me that and that's what I want to tell you tonight. It's possible to forgive and heal. It isn't easy, but Meredith has taught that it's possible. I can say that I've started to forgive those men for what they did to my father. I'm learning to forgive them and myself. Thank you."

The meeting ended a few minutes later and Derek watched from the back row as various people came up to Amelia and offered her a hug. They spoke with her and laughed with her. A few people even shed tears with her and Derek could see the healing that Meredith had spoken about. Amelia was working to get better, she was putting her life back together and he felt a surge of pride in her. She was taking the bad and making it good, she was making it productive. Standing, Derek walked down the steps of the auditorium as the last few people cleared out and left Amelia alone to pick up the last few empty cups of coffee.

"I don't know my sister very well."

Hearing his voice, Amelia looked up with shock as she finished tossing the cups in the trash.

"I didn't know you were coming," she admitted quietly as she nervously stuck her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. "I, uh, I…"

"Meredith told me that you were leading. She told me that I should come and I'm glad I did," Derek told her with a smile and stuck his own hands in his pockets. "You, uh, you had a lot of good things to say."

"Meredith works miracles," Amelia smiled with happiness. "This was my very first lead and she…called me before the meeting and told me that I'd do great. She believes in us all…even when we don't believe in ourselves."

"Yeah," Derek said as he looked down at his feet with a smile. "Meredith can make miracles happen. She…she has a gift for doing it. She says that she can be dark and twisty, but sometimes I think that she's been through things that are so much worse…she doesn't see things the same way that others see it. She'd stay up with someone all night if it meant saving their life. She'd do it without hesitation."

"She's my favorite sister," Amelia admitted and Derek chuckled. "Does that make me a bad sister?"

"No, I've heard that before from Nancy, Liz, and Kate. Listen, do you wanna get ice cream?" he asked with a smile.

Amelia arched her brow, "Ice cream? Seriously, Derek...it's March."

"I have a wife who interesting ideas as to what exactly constitutes as meals and food groups," he answered with a grin. "Meredith has a lot of gifts and good qualities…eating healthy and cooking don't rank very high on that list. Finding ice cream in the winter was one of the first things that I've had to do since moving here."

"Sure," Amelia said with a shrug. "Why the hell not?"

"I'll drive," Derek smiled.

* * *

Sitting on a bench and watching ferryboats pass was one of Derek's favorite pastimes. It was brisk and chilly, but being with Amelia…it felt familiar and comforting. He and Amelia had always been close. The two youngest in a family with five children, he'd always felt the most comfortable with her. She wasn't girly like Nancy, Liz, and Kate. No, Amy was different. She had her own personality and she didn't conform to be like his others sisters. It was probably the reason that they got on so well.

"So, you and Meredith…I'm glad that you're staying together," Amelia said after a few minutes of them sitting together. "You and her…I just can't imagine the both of you not together."

"She was right to want to leave me," Derek admitted quietly. "I was a crappy husband to her in New York. I couldn't be there for her when she needed me…whether it was emotionally, physically, or both. I was miserable in New York and I made her miserable because I could. She deserved better than that and the fact that she chose to stay and work on things with me…she deserves better than me."

"She loves you," Amelia laughed with a smile. "She loves you so much…the pair of you…it's sickening. She loves you so much that I don't think I've ever seen two people so in love and not even realize it."

"I do love her," he smiled as he looked down at his shoes. "I love her more than I've ever loved another human being. I didn't ever think I was capable of loving someone as much as I love her, but she proved me wrong. Meredith proves me wrong about a lot of things. We've been going to therapy together…it's been good for our relationship. I cut deep when I hurt her. She hasn't trusted me and it's understandable. She's given me so many chances and I've screwed up every time. It took me a long time to realize that I had to fix myself before she'd ever trust me again. I had to show her that she could trust me. Meredith gave me rules to follow and…I spent weeks following them. I spent weeks proving to her that she could trust me."

"Todd…the guy that I was dating back in New York…he broke up with me this week," Amelia admitted. "He and I…we didn't trust each other. Where there isn't trust…"

"You can't have a successful relationship without trust," Derek finished for her. "Sometimes, I wish someone had told me that before I'd gotten married. There are a lot of things that I wish I knew before I'd gotten married. I think…I would have done a lot of things differently if I'd known."

"Would it have stopped you from getting married?" Amelia asked with a curious expression on her face.

"No," Derek replied. "I think that it would have made me a better husband. It would have saved Meredith a lot of grief and pain. I've caused her a lot of hurt and I'm slowly learning that I can't…I can't be a good husband to her if I'm hurting her. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make things right. Being a good husband means being there when she needs me and even when she doesn't. Meredith, she's never relied on anyone. Early in our marriage, when I should have been knocking down walls and letting her know that she could come to me with any problem and that I'd be there for her no matter what, I spent that time building my career. There were a lot of conversation that I think she wanted to have with me, that she tried to have with me, and I used my pager and my career as a way to avoid those things because I didn't want to talk about it. She needed me and I wasn't there for her. Even now, she's having a hard time coming to me when she needs help or support. I can't blame her for it. Talking…it's a hard thing to do."

"Speaking of talking…I'm supposed to ask you about that night," Amelia said softly. "My therapist…she thought it would be good for me to ask you…so, this is me asking. What happened that night our father was killed, Derek? I don't mean to change the topics, but I just…I want to know about that and like you said…talking is hard."

Derek put the small cup of ice cream that he'd been eating down on the bench beside him and looked out at the passing ferryboats. He could almost feel Meredith's arms around his shoulders and her lips in his hair. He could feel the supportive kiss she'd place on the top of his head before he turned and looked at Amelia.

"We were in the back of the store," he began quietly. "Dad had just given you two pennies, and you always hid them behind the counter in this big crack in the floor boards. You said you were saving them so you could buy a town and then two guys came in. We could hear them talking, but you weren't paying attention until Dad yelled, and you looked up."

"I remember them fighting about money," Amelia said as Derek nodded as he let his hand rest on the watch that Meredith had given him for Valentine's Day.

"They had already pulled the gun, they had already taken the money, but now they wanted the watch that mom had given him for his birthday. He wouldn't give it up. There was a gunshot. You…lunged forward towards Dad," Derek continued softly.

"I remember," Amelia replied as her voice cracked and tears pooled in her eyes. "I was trying to get to him, but I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen."

"That's because I was holding you so tight that you couldn't budge," Derek admitted. "I put one hand over your mouth so you wouldn't scream and wrapped the other one around you and just held on for dear life. I prayed to God that you'd be quiet and you wouldn't say anything, Amy. They would have killed us too for having witnessed Dad's death. I just held you and prayed."

"It's not fair that no one has been held responsible," she whispered. "God, I know that Meredith says to forgive, but I have a hard time doing it."

"I know," Derek said quietly. "I don't…I don't know if Meredith told you, but we…she had a miscarriage in New York. I wasn't there when she needed me the most. She needed someone to support her and help her deal with the grief, but I was so self absorbed that I couldn't even see that my wife was hurting. Somehow...she's finding it in her heart to forgive me for everything. She told me that I had to learn forgiveness and I am trying to forgive those men for what happened. It isn't easy, but I am trying to forgive those men. I'm trying to learn forgiveness for myself and others."

"She told me the same thing about forgiveness," Amelia admitted quietly. "The first night that I was in town…you'd left the house angry and Mom had gone up to bed. She and I sat in the kitchen and talked for a long time over tea. I told her everything and she told me that the only way I was going to stay clean was through forgiveness. I had to seek and accept forgiveness for myself and others. It was the only way I am going to be clean…I have to forgive those men for what they did. It hurts that no one is held responsible, but I'm trying to forgive them and move on."

Derek smiled at her, "I'm proud to be your favorite brother."

"You're my only brother. Thank you for sharing. I did know about the miscarriage. Meredith…Addison told Mom after it happened. They were both really worried for Meredith, especially after she didn't tell you about it. Mom told me before we came out to see you both. Meredith…she's avoiding Addison because Addison is pregnant and Meredith…I don't think she's really ever let herself truly grieve her loss."

"I know," Derek admitted sadly. "She's…she's hurting and I don't know how to help her through that kind of pain. To me, it was only an idea. It seems so abstract and distant. It doesn't really seem real to me. To her, she physically went through the loss of a child. It is two different things, Amy. I'm just struggling on how to help her get through it."

Both were silent for several minutes as they watched the ferryboats before Derek cleared his throat and spoke again.

"Amelia…if things go well and you feel ready once you get your license unsuspended…we can try working together," Derek told her. "I don't make any promises, but—"

"Thank you," Amelia said as she reached over and squeezed his hand. "That's more than I deserve, but thank you. I understand if you have reservations or conditions for me. I would have them as well, but thank you, Derek."

He couldn't help but to smile back at her and squeeze her hand affectionately.

* * *

Lying back on the exam table, Meredith watched Addison slip a condom over the probe. She was anxious and scared, but most of all…she just wanted the ultrasound to be done and over with. Meredith wanted a clean yes or no about whether or not she was going to be mother or not.

"How do you feel about this?" Addison asked calmly as Meredith stared up at the ceiling of the room. "Does Derek know that you're here?"

"He's with Amelia at her NA meeting. I'm trying to get them to talk and I thought that the best way to do it would be for Derek to just go and hear Amelia," Meredith said as she let out a long breath.

"Just lay back and relax," Addison murmured quietly and Meredith put her hands behind her head. Legs in the stirrups, she let out a long breath as Addison inserted the cold probe into her body. There was no denying the truth any longer.

She was avoiding Addison.

Seeing Addison happy and pregnant…it brought up feelings that Meredith didn't want to feel. Avoiding Addison was easier than dealing with her own guilt and feelings of inadequacy as a woman who'd lost a pregnancy.

"You're not pregnant," Addison said after a few minutes as she turned the screen so Meredith could look at the black and white images. "Your uterus is empty. Ovaries look fine. Tubes look good. No cysts, free fluid or anything. The only reason that you're probably late is stress."

"Okay, thank you," Meredith said as Addison removed the probe and stripped the condom off of it. Grabbing a handful of wipes, she quickly cleaned herself up and looked at Addison as she hopped off the table and quickly dressed.

"Thank you, Addison," Meredith breathed. "I'm really grateful to you. You didn't have to do this, but thank you for doing it anyways."

She didn't give Addison a chance to respond because it was all Meredith could do to keep her emotions in check. Opening the exam door, she left. Walking down the hallway quickly, Meredith managed to make it to the skills lab where Cristina was without breaking down. She had been prepared to feel so many different emotions. She just hadn't been prepared to feel disappointed so deeply. A part of her hand been excited and happy. She'd allowed herself to believe for a few short hours that she might have actually been pregnant with Derek's baby. She'd allowed herself to hope and that small bloom of hope had been crushed by reality. Not being pregnant with Derek's baby, Meredith hadn't thought that it would hurt as much as it did.

"You alright?" Cristina asked as Meredith walked into the empty skills lab and dropped her tote bag on the closest chair.

"I'm fine," Meredith nodded. "I just realized that you and I have been slacking off. We need to work harder if we're gonna be ready for this intern exam in May. We have to kick ass on it and we aren't working like ass kickers."

"Agreed," Cristina said with a smile. "You ready to spend the next few months kicking ass?"

* * *

**Response to Reviews: **

**Snv3: Yes, Derek has that effect on many readers…Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!**

**Williamsm98: No pregnancy. Glad to hear from you! I'm so happy that you're reading and enjoying! Thanks for the review! More is on the way!**

**Two harts: Thanks for the review! Meredith pushes hard and maybe she was right and it paid off…Derek and Amy had a huge moment together. I think that loving Meredith and loving Amy are two very different things and Derek recognizes that those are two different kinds of loves. It's why it makes it a little harder for him to forgive Amy. She's his sister and he's seen everything vs. being with Meredith an knowing about her past in theory…if that makes sense. Derek has never had to watch Meredith pop pills or abuse sex. He knows about it, but like I said, I think there is a little bit of disconnect for him because he didn't actually see it like he saw it with Amy. I think if he saw how low Meredith sunk, his feelings would be different on the matter. You know how angry he got over the photos…more of Meredith's past is coming and it won't be easy for Derek…**

**Patsy: Thanks for the review! YES! What a chapter! I'm so glad that you loved the chapter and I think that next chapter will be even better. Lots of growth for both Meredith and Derek coming…I can't give too much away, but I really think that you'll like the next few chapters…More is on the way!**

**Iourdi: Thanks for the review! Yes, Meredith let him have it…again, but they were both wrong about things and it was nice to see growth in how they handled the situation. Derek was wrong, but he recognized it and tried to fix it as soon as it happened. That's big change and Meredith…she didn't just roll over and forgive him like she has in the past. She held him accountable and let him know how she felt…and yes, Derek did kind of deserve the couch…**

**Oulipo19: Yep, you're right. You're right on every level and it will come up later. Meredith is hard about Amy living with them and Derek did try and compromise. I think that after Elliot Bay…we'll return to Meredith's inability to compromise on things. At the same time, I think Meredith knows that in order for Derek to heal his relationship with Amy and the death of his father…he has to be with Amy. I think that's the point that she's trying to make…she just doesn't always do it in the most graceful way, but you are right and it will come up later. Thanks for the reviews! You know me, I'm always setting us up for something down the line and trust me…things are coming down the pipeline…**

**Baseballbabe19: Thanks for the review! So glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!**

**Khi33: YES! Poor Carolyn and Amy…living with family is never easy. So, no McDreamy Baby…but there are plans in the works for a possible McDreamy baby…Thanks for the review! **

**Juli: Thanks for the review! Glad you loved V-Day! I'm sorry to disappoint about Mer being pregnant, but I hope you'll continue reading anyways! I have plans for a McDreamy baby…just not yet…**

**Spazmin: So glad that you left a review! I'm so happy that you're loving the story! I hope you enjoyed the chapter because next chapter, we're rocking the boat. We're jumping into season three and let me tell you…the next few months for Meredith and Derek are going to be a rollercoaster…More is on the way!**

**Guest#1: Thanks for the review!**

**Mcdreamyforever: YES! Of course it was going to be hawt! It couldn't be anything else…Thanks for the review!**

**Welovemerder: Thanks for the review! I do plan to write another story! I already have one mapped out! I'm thinking about posting a little sneak peak about it! **

**Japa01: Thanks for the review! I haven't decided yet if Zola will be in the story or not. While she's cute, I do want Meredith and Derek to have their own children first. I will let you know when I decide. Promise! More is on the way!**

**Melanie: YES! DEREK WAS A TOTAL TIGER…and he does make a very memorable Valentine's Day, doesn't he? As for the house? We'll be getting there and as for Elliot Bay? Well…you'll have to see the author's note at the bottom…Thanks for the review! More is on the way!**

**Chicagonp2012: So glad that you liked it! Derek and Amy had their talk…they both needed it and it was good for them! Thanks for the review! More is on the way!**

**Bri: Thanks for the review! Glad you're liking the story, but I'm sorry…no baby…**

**Susan: Thanks for the review! No sex this chapter, but Finn did come up and I promise that he won't be a problem! Little Beau is gone, yes, but Doc…well I can't give too much away. Izzie is in a world of trouble, but we'll cover that next chapter…as for more magic? I'm so glad that you love the story and I promise, more is on the way!:) **

**Ellen: Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed it!**

**Greysfannn: YES! I just love the thought of him giving her morphine for something that she really didn't need morphine for. His overmedicating was kinda cute in a way, but I wouldn't suggest it in real life. I think that after the day Meredith had…she just kinda deserved some morphine and Derek agreed. Thanks for the review! More is on the way.**

**Guest#2: Thanks for the review! No baby, but Cristina and Meredith will be advancing soon enough…ever try and take an exam while having appendicitis? **

**EllieMoon: Yes, this is different from cannon. I had planned that Seattle Grace would do two year internship. It's why they would be better. I do know that in real life that there is only one year internships, but I was kinda feeling like I wanted it to be different. As for Izzie, I don't dislike her. I just think that she makes a lot of judgments and very bad decisions on the show. Plus, I just needed a villainy character and she seemed like the right fit. She's going to come up later, but in a different capacity. Thanks for the review!**

**Guest#3: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review! More is on the way.**

**Judith: We'll have kids…at some point…just not yet…I'm sorry to disappoint, but thank you for the review!**

**Erica: So happy that you like it! More is on the way! Thank you for the review!**

**Dora: Thanks for the review! I'm not quite sure what happened! I did get emails notices, but yeah…it was weird that the reviews didn't post. Anyways, we do have so much more to cover and it will be fun…I'm really excited about next chapter…it's really a period of growth for both Meredith and Derek and I'm so excited to share it! I think you'll like it! **

**Tzveta: Thanks for the review! I'm glad that you like the story! No baby, but Amelia and Derek did get to have their moment and reach an understanding. Amy won't have a very large part in the story, but she'll pop up from time to time!:) **

**Guest#4: Thanks for the review! No McBaby, I'm sorry! There will be a McDreamy baby…just not now…I'm sorry to disappoint.**

**Shelley: Thanks for the review! No McBaby…not yet, but it's coming…soon…I promise. Izzie's fate will be coming up again later, I promise that too. This chapter was a shorter one, but it was an important one to set up for next chapter.**

**Carolyn: Thanks for the review! No baby, just a lot of emotions being stirred up for Meredith. I promise that next chapter will be a wrecking ball. She won't be able to hide from how she feels and Derek will be there as well to catch her…he's a catcher now. **

**Gina: Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed V-Day…it was a good, hot Valentine's Day. More is on the way!**

**Guest#5: Thanks for the review! Yes, Derek does deserve a bear sometimes, but he's getting better. He's not perfect, but he's getting better.**

* * *

**So, Elliot Bay will be happening...it will be happening. It will be chapters 21 &amp; 22\. Split into two parts, entitled Grace-Part 1 &amp; Grace-Part 2. As you all know, I don't always do it the way things happens on the show and this will be no different. With Meredith and Derek being married...things will be different and mostly everything will be from Derek's point of view. I don't know what you'll all think about what happens, but I can say that I'm writing the chapters now and I promised myself that I'd give you all a heads up because it will be a rough two part chapter to read...so...**

**See you soon!**

_**EDITED 3/23/2017**_


	15. XV: How to Save a Life

**Author's Note: **

**This one covers 03x01.**

**All errors are my own. Sorry. **

**I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER...I KNOW...I'M EVIL...AND GREEDY...You don't have to tell me...**

**Thank you to everyone who left a review...**

* * *

**Chapter XV**

"…_And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend__  
__Somewhere along in the bitterness__  
__And I would have stayed up with you all night__  
__Had I known how to save a life_

_As he begins to raise his voice__  
__You lower yours and grant him one last choice__  
__Drive until you lose the road__  
__Or break with the ones you've followed_

_He will do one of two things__  
__He will admit to everything__  
__Or he'll say he's just not the same__  
__And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend__  
__Somewhere along in the bitterness__  
__And I would have stayed up with you all night__  
__Had I known how to save a life_

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend__  
__Somewhere along in the bitterness__  
__And I would have stayed up with you all night__  
__Had I known how to save a life_

_How to save a life__  
__How to save a life__…"_

~ "How to Save a Life" – The Fray

_One Month Later…_

_April 4, 2006_

Derek sat on the steps opposite the O.R. board with his head in hands. He was failing her again and he didn't know what to do. Something was bothering Meredith. She wasn't coming home often enough and she'd been pulling away from him. He'd found her running shoes missing most mornings when he was getting ready to leave. She was getting thinner and the way she was pushing herself…she acted like nothing was wrong during their sessions with Wyatt, but beneath the surface, Derek knew she was hanging on by a very thin thread.

He wanted to catch her.

He just didn't know what she was dealing with. He was worried and scared for her. Something wasn't right and he was losing her as she closed herself off to him. He wanted to know how to help her, but he didn't know what to do.

"Back so soon?"

Looking up, Derek shook his head at Richard and unclipped the pin that was on his scrub top. Sliding his silver wedding band back onto his ring finger, he resisted the urge to yawn as he stood up.

"Oh, I never left," he said tiredly as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I did a craniotomy on a, uh, ruptured saccular aneurysm this morning."

"I've been here all night, too," Webber admitted with a frown. "Did your wife scrub in with you or did she take Burke's emergency surgery last night instead?"

"I don't know. Have you seen her, Richard?" Derek answered tiredly as he looked at the older man worriedly.

"Why?" Richard asked nervously. "What's going on with her? I'm worried and I don't want…"

"Can you get somebody to cover my rounds for me? I need to talk to her, Richard. She's…not well. I need to talk to her and figure out what's going on," he asked softly. "She's shutting everyone out and the way she's pushing herself…Richard she's going to collapse from exhaustion soon and I don't want…I need to talk to her. I can't do that here. I can't do it with the entire hospital breathing down our necks. I need to take her home and at least get her to sleep a few hours before talking with her. She's exhausted and something is seriously wrong."

"Something we finally agree on," Richard murmured as he crossed his arms over his chest. "She gets any thinner, there won't be any Meredith left. I'll get Nelson to cover your rounds with the residents. Talk to her…if she needs tomorrow off…it's hers. I don't think she's been home this week except to change. She's put more hours in than any other resident I have."

"I know. Something is wrong and I need to—"

Bailey interrupted their conversation as she walked over to them quickly.

"Doctor Shepherd, Doctor Webber," she said quickly with an arched brow. "There's an incoming head trauma and the pit's overcrowded with early flu season. We need help downstairs."

Derek let out a long sigh and nodded. There was no getting out of helping the incoming head trauma. He had to see to that and maybe he'd find Meredith down there as well trying to help with the flu season. If he was lucky, he might be able to pull her out of whatever she was doing and force her home for a few hours where he could talk to her privately without people surrounding them.

"I'll order her home tonight," Richard told him quietly after Bailey walked away. "She's running again, isn't she?"

"She hasn't been a hardcore runner since she married me and she hasn't been this thin…she's always been thin and tiny, but I've never seen her this thin, Richard," Derek admitted. "Amy tells me that she's running six or seven miles every morning and she probably skipping meals to get in on surgeries. The hospital scrubs have always been large on her, but even her clothing at home…she's in a double zero, Richard. Page me if you find her or know where she's gonna be. I can't watch this anymore. Something is wrong. I had hoped that if I gave her some space to come…I just can't watch this."

* * *

Meredith entered the N.I.C.U. and went straight to Addison. She was still in her surgical cap and used a gown as a coat as she walked to the incubator that her friend stood at.

"Hey, you paged?"

Addison handed over the chart and Meredith opened it. She looked up at Addison as the red head looked down at the dying baby with tears in her eyes.

"I told you that you owed me for the ultrasound…he's my favor," Addison explained as she brushed away tears. "He's a cardio patient now. Baby came into E.R. about an hour ago, premature newborn found in a trashcan at Turner Prep School, the umbilical cord was still attached. Platelet count was 17,000. We gave him more, but it didn't help. We have no idea who the mother is. He has some intra-abdominal bleeding and he's got a heart defect. I don't know if we can fix it."

"That's why you called me?" Meredith said as she looked back down at the chart. Things looked bad for the baby…very bad. She already felt sorry for the baby and she told herself not to get emotionally attached, but Meredith couldn't stop herself as she looked at the little boy in the incubator. The baby's odds weren't good. She would only feel more pain if she let herself get close to the case...she refused to get close to the case.

"Burke says all possible cardio cases go to you and Yang," Addison announced with a shrug. "Yang is in surgery and you're available. Here are the scans. He has some neuro issues that Derek said he'd be up to look at later, but yeah, he's a cardio patient and you owe me a favor."

Taking a deep breath and holding up the scans that Addison handed over, Meredith looked at the images and shook her head. The baby's heart was so small. His aorta was poorly developed and even if they went in to help with blood flow…the baby's heart wasn't big enough to keep up with the demands of his body. Closing the chart and handing the scans back to Addison, Meredith shook her head.

"You should cancel that neuro consult. There's no point in operating, Addison," Meredith said sadly as she looked down at the poor little boy. "He's not gonna make it. He has no platelet count and just looking at his scans…he wouldn't last an hour on the table if we did try to help the blood flow. The baby has no immune system…he doesn't have a chance and I'm sorry. I really am, Addie."

"Burke said the same thing," Addison replied with tears in her eyes as she wiped away one that fell. "They left him in a freaking trashcan. We have no idea who the mother is. I just…I just can't believe that someone could do this to their child. Who the hell leaves her son in a trashcan?"

"You'd be surprised at what people are capable of doing, Addison. He is going to live a painful, short life. Don't get attached," Meredith answered as she reached into the incubator and gently touched the boy's hand. "I'm sorry, little guy. I'm sorry this happened to you. Addie…I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I'm sorry."

Addison's pager went off as Olivia walked into the room. Both women looked at the tired nurse expectantly as Addison reached for her pager. Meredith knew that whatever news Olivia had to give, it wasn't good news.

"There are some people here about the baby," Olivia said quietly as Addison nodded and looked at her pager.

"Keep him alive as long as you can, Meredith," Addison told her. "Use all the cardio tricks you have until you find out who the mother is. If this little boy is gonna die, we should at least give him justice for being left in a trashcan. Someone cannot get away with leaving their son to die. That's the favor that I'm cashing in on. Find out who his mother is and keep him alive for as long as you can."

Addison left and Meredith wanted to slam something because she didn't want the case and she didn't want to owe Addison anything. Looking down at the baby boy, she felt tears prick the back of her eyes as she thought about her own unborn child. She would have never in her wildest dreams ever considered leaving Derek's baby in a trashcan. She'd wanted to hold that child in her arms so badly…

She'd wanted to cuddle that baby close to her and she'd wanted nothing more than to kiss that baby's cheek. To tell that baby over and over again how much he or she was loved.

"I will do everything to make this right," Meredith whispered softly to the boy as she stroked the little boy's hand. "I'm not letting you leave this world in pain and I am not letting your life be meaningless. I will find your mother, I promise."

Taking the cart, Meredith looked at Olivia and nodded.

"Let's go find the mother."

Walking down the hallway, Meredith felt a memory hit her hard…

…_Putting the bag of take-out down on the table, Meredith dropped her bag down on the kitchen counter as she moved around the large kitchen of the brownstone house she and Derek owned in New York City. The house smelt like lemons from the cleaning product their housekeeper had used and she walked through the large living room to Derek's office. Meredith opened the door and she was disappointed, but not shocked to find the office empty._

"_Derek!" she called as she closed the door to the office. "Are you home?"_

_He'd been around for Thanksgiving and it had been so wonderful. She'd spent more time with him at his mother's house for Thanksgiving than she had in a whole month. Feeling dejected, Meredith walked back to kitchen and saw the red blinking light that signaled a message had been left on their answering machine. Already knowing what the message was, Meredith hit the play button and listened. _

"_Hi, Mrs. Shepherd, this is Debbie from the surgical floor. Doctor Shepherd wanted me to call and let you know that he is running behind in his surgery and probably won't be home until late. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please call me back..."_

_Before Debbie could rattle off a number, Meredith erased the message. She and Debbie had become intimate message friends. Although she'd never met the woman in person, Meredith had left enough messages with Debbie for her husband to know the woman's pager and nursing station number by heart. Looking at the take out that she'd order for two, Meredith reached into the bag for her meal before putting the bag in the refrigerator for later. Leaving the meal out on the counter, Meredith told herself that it wasn't a big deal. _

_Derek was busy. _

_He'd built a reputation for himself. He was become known around the world as the man who could get the tumors that others couldn't. People in need came to him and she couldn't be angry. Going to the walk-in closet that she shared with him, Meredith dropped the dark jeans and dressy top she'd worn for the day into the hamper before she changed into one of Derek's t-shirts and a comfortable pair of yoga pants. She paused when she felt a slight cramping sensation ripple through her lower abdomen. Dropping her hand down to her belly where she'd felt the sensation, Meredith stood still and waited. _

_She hadn't told Derek about the baby._

_She hadn't told him that come summer, he'd have a little boy or girl in his arms. __Sometimes, it felt like she almost had to schedule time to see him in his office and she refused to schedule time to tell him that he would be a father. Meredith was still scared out of her mind as to how they would manage a baby, a residency, and Derek's schedule, but she hoped and knew that everything would work out. They would manage. There were no other options for them. Knowing that stress was bad for her baby, Meredith took several calming breaths as the feeling went away. Standing still for nearly five minutes, Meredith finally let herself move when the feeling didn't return. Letting her hand rest on her flat abdomen a moment longer, Meredith smiled as she looked down._

"_Please, I know this is rough. I will try and make things easy on you," she whispered to her baby. "I promise, I will tell your daddy all about you. I just need you to relax for tonight and I will tell him first thing tomorrow morning, I promise. Okay?" _

_Grabbing the book that she needed to study, Meredith returned downstairs and sat down at the island in the middle of their spacious kitchen. Opening the book and her notes, she re-warming her dinner before immersed herself into studying for several hours. When she looked up, the clock on the microwave glowed that it was nearly midnight. Closing her book and taking care of her dishes, Meredith slowly shut the lights out around the house in her nightly ritual. __All the lights were turned off, but there one light that she always left on for Derek when he was coming home late. Leaving the entry way light on, it illuminate the entry hall and stairs. Meredith climbed the stairs tiredly and promised herself that she'd tell him about the baby. She'd have to corner him if she had to, but she would tell him about their baby. Just the thought of their baby brought a smile to her lips as she let her hand drift down and over her flat abdomen again. __Safe inside her, there was a little being growing and she hoped that the baby had Derek's blue eyes. It was the one feature that she liked about him the most…his eyes…eyes that she hoped that their baby would have...soft, warm, blue eyes...__Meredith already believed that the baby was a girl and s__he hoped that her daughter had Derek's eyes. __Going to their bedroom and pulling back the heavy comforter and blankets, Meredith shut the bedside lamp off as she heard the heating system kick on. The sound was familiar and soothing as she closed her eyes…_

Stopping at the door to the conference room where the suspected girls and their guardians were being detained, Meredith could hear raised voices as she closed her eyes and pulled herself back from the past. Her head was already pounding from the case and she wanted nothing more than to go home and drink or sleep away the bad memories that were being invoked. Memories that she had done her best to keep buried in the weeks since her pregnancy scare. Memories that wouldn't seem to stop haunting her since the moment Addie had uttered the words that she wasn't pregnant.

This wasn't a surgical case…

It was a hospice case and she was being charged with finding out who was the mother of the baby boy because she owed Addison a favor. It was as clean and clear cut as that and Meredith hated doing it already.

"My daughter gets straight A's!"

"So, my daughter gets a B in math and suddenly she's birthing babies in toilet stalls?" A man snapped back at the woman. Olivia gave her a sympathetic look before walking away. Taking a deep breath, Meredith opened the conference room door and walked in. The room became silent as three women and a man turned to look at her as she examined the four young girls who sat quietly in the conference room chairs. She knew their types.

The prep school girls with the knee-high stocking.

The prep school girls, who could do no wrong in other's eyes.

The prep school girls, who partied hard and cheated their way to graduation.

The prep school girls, who used and abused others to get exactly what they wanted at the end of the day without any fuss.

Oh, Meredith knew their kind intimately. She'd so badly wanted to be one of those girls in prep school, but she'd only perfected the partying part of prep school. She'd never been one of the 'it' girls, but she'd badly wanted to be one of those girls. The irony wasn't lost upon her as moved into the room. In high school, she'd been the whore, not the popular girl who used her virginity like a game card and auctioned it off to the most popular senior guy.

"I'm Doctor Grey-Shepherd," she announced to the group in a calm, gentle tone as she closed the door behind her. "I'm the cardio resident on the newborn baby boy's case. He's having severe complications and I need to know whose baby it is. Please, tell me who the mother is and we can get through this together because the baby boy does have major problems that he's facing and we need to address those problems now."

"Yeah, we'd all like to know who the mother is, Doctor Grey-Shepherd," a dark haired woman said in a nasty tone. "Talk to the doctor. Now, Sara!"

"I don't know anything about any baby, Mom. None of us do," Sara answered with a scared look on her face that Meredith believed was genuine. "Please, let us go back to school. We didn't do anything wrong."

"Someone in this conference room knows something," Meredith said calmly as she sat down at the head of the table so she could see both parents and girls. "Otherwise, you girls and your parents wouldn't be here. You would be in class just like you want to be. Please, just tell me who the mother is because this is a medical emergency. The baby is bleeding into his abdomen, he has a heart defect and neurology has been called for a consult because he has a probable spinal tumor. Please, who is the mother of the child?"

She knew that the baby was dying, but she wouldn't tell anyone that. The girls would never admit who the mother was if she said that. Meredith rubbed her forehead before she took her pin off her scrub jacket and slipped her wedding rings back onto her ring finger. This meeting was sinking quickly and she could already tell that her day was about to go from bad to worse.

"Our girls, the school said that they were the last people in the bathroom before the baby was found," one of the other mothers spoke up calmly. "So, we just thought before the police showed up…"

"One of you knows, and you better confess. I don't want my Lisa messed up in this," the only father in the room threatened and Meredith rose her hands to him stop him from yelling at the girls.

"I haven't slept in fifty-four hours," she told the room in a harsh tone. "I am exhausted. I have a baby that needs surgery and I cannot get him to surgery because he is unstable and the key to stabilizing him is in knowing who his mother is. So please, who is the mother of the baby boy?"

"Look, can't you just do a D.N.A test before the police get here?" Sara's mother asked in an almost frantic voice. "The rest of us just want to leave. We don't care about the baby. We just want to know who the hell the mother is."

"D.N.A. results take days," Meredith told the woman as her patience began to wear thin. "That baby doesn't have days. Right now, the only person that I care about is the new born baby that is down the hall on all kinds of machines and drugs that are keeping him alive. Frankly, I don't give a damn if you have somewhere to be or something to do. I don't care. I can do vaginal exams on each of the girls if you want to speed the process up and find out who the mother is."

"My daughter is 14 years old! She's not sexually active," Sara's mother burst angrily. "I won't have you violating her body!"

'You won't have it because you know it's your kid," Lisa's father spat back. "I tell you what, you have my consent to do whatever it takes to prove my Lisa's innocent in this messed up case."

"You are a sick bastard, you know that?" Sara's mother snarled at the man.

"A child's life is in jeopardy here," Meredith said loudly over the bickering voices. "It's not your parent's consent that I need. Will someone please, just tell me who the mother of the baby boy is? I am begging you to please be honest with yourself and with the group."

"We didn't do anything wrong," Sara said moodily.

"Just because we were in there doesn't mean we did anything," a dark haired girl added with sass as she moved her head in a way that made Meredith's hands ache to deck her over the back of her head.

"Do we look like the kind of girls who get pregnant and throw their kids into the trash?" a dark blonde girl asked with an arched brow.

Taking a deep breath and pushing herself away from the table, Meredith stood up and shook her head at the girls.

"You'd be surprised at exactly what people are capable of," she told them calmly. "I've seen people do plenty of things I would have never believed them capable of. Please, who is the mother of the child?"

When no one answered after a few minutes, Meredith let out a deep sigh and shook her head again. Leaving the parents arguing over who exactly the mother of the child was, she slipped back out into the hall and closed the door behind her. Returning to the N.I.C.U., Meredith was surprised to see Derek standing over the incubator. His fingertip was gently caressing the baby boy's head and he looked up at her when she entered.

"No one is saying anything," she told him softly. "No one will admit to anything. I'm not surprised, but it frustrates the hell out of me."

"Do they know the condition of the baby?" Derek asked as he looked across the incubator at her. His blue eyes were tired and she wondered if he'd slept at all from the night before. She'd been pulled into Burke's emergency surgery and Meredith wondered if he'd even made it home or if he'd just crashed in an on-call room to sleep.

"No," she answered softly as she looked down at the baby. "I didn't say anything about him dying. No one would say anything if I did. I need them to talk to figure out who the mother is."

They both looked down at the baby for a moment before Meredith looked up at him and shook her head.

"How do you do this?" she asked him in a shaky voice. "How do you abandon your own baby in a trashcan like he's a piece of garbage? No one deserves that. This baby…he doesn't deserve this short, horribly painful life that he's going to experience. How does someone do this and live with themselves? He's a baby!"

Derek looked up at her with soft eyes and reached for her hand that rested on top of the incubator.

"I don't know," he answered in a gentle tone. "I don't know, but I do know that you will figure out who his mother is. People do the most horrific things and I still can't understand why. It's a question that I don't think I'll ever find an answer to, Meredith. I just...I don't know how you abandon your baby in a trashcan."

Pulling her hand away from his, Meredith looked down at the baby before looking at him.

"I can't stop thinking about…"

"I know," Derek said softly. "Some cases…they hit home harder than others."

Nodding, Meredith picked up the baby's chart and gave him a sad smile, "I have to talk to Richard about what the hell I'm going to do next."

"Go," Derek told her softly. "I'll stay here with him. He just needs someone to be here with him and I'll stay. He needs a friend and I can be his friend for a few hours. Right, buddy? You and I...we can spend a few hours together. I think that I might have a nurse help me take him out of here. He's stable enough that I can hold him and he'll feel better just being held by anyone, I think. I'm also gonna up his pain meds. The spinal tumor...it has to be causing significant pain. It's pressing on so many nerves. It's inoperable."

Watching Derek with the baby hurt. It hurt more than Meredith had ever thought possible. Seeing Derek with Tuck had hurt, but seeing him with this baby...it created an ache inside Meredith that she'd never imagined. Nodding and leaving the N.I.C.U., Meredith ducked into an empty exam room and closed her eyes as she leaned back against the door. Her whole being hurt as she thought about that horrible night…

…_The sharp pain in her side woke her and Meredith lay still on the bed. It had felt like a knife slipping beneath her skin and it had lingered for a moment before fading. Turning her head, she wasn't surprised to see Derek's side of the bed empty. It was becoming a common occurrence in their marriage and it scared her. It scared her that she was settling for letting him get away with the crap that he was pulling. __Feeling the slight pain in her side again, Meredith lay still as the feeling overwhelmed her for a brief moment before she pushed the blankets away and stood. Padding softly to the bathroom, she checked her underwear and sighed in relief as she kicked the lacy panties aside._

_No blood._

_Stripping off Derek's t-shirt, Meredith turned the warm water of the bathtub on before getting in. Sinking back, she closed her eyes as the water soothed away the ache she was having on and off. A small part of her urged to do something. The small voice said to call Derek and ask him to help her, but Meredith pushed the thought away. She doubted that Derek would answer any page that she sent to the nurses. It was late and he was probably sleeping in an on-call room somewhere. Unless it was an emergency page for a patient or surgery, he'd ignore it and call her in the morning…he always did. __Sinking back further into the water, Meredith let the mildly warm water soothe her aching body. Her tense muscles felt like there were finally loosening after she turned the tub's Jacuzzi setting on low. The water pulsed against her aching back and neck and it felt so good. Dozing in and out of sleep, Meredith roused herself enough to get out of the tub and drain the water after what felt like an hour. Slipping on a new pair of underwear and an old t-shirt of Derek's, Meredith returned back to bed and curled up in the warm sheets and heavy comforter._

_Derek still hadn't returned and small part of her wanted him. She wanted him to tell her that everything was alright and that she just needed to slow down and rest. Meredith smiled at the thought of him saying those words. It felt like it was what he was always telling her to slow down. Closing her eyes, Meredith promised herself that she'd sleep in the next morning. She had no classes and nothing pressing to do and her baby deserved some extra sleep. The tiny person inside her was her biggest priority now and she had to remember that it was alright to let her body rest more and sleep wasn't a bad thing. Drifting back off to sleep, Meredith silently prayed for Derek's return home. She wanted him more than anything. _

_It was only a few hours later when she woke to more cramping. This time, it wasn't dull and aching. It was a sharp, stinking, and it was painful. Lying in bed, Meredith could feel warm, stickiness on the insides of her thighs. Scrambling to turn the light on, Meredith's eyes had barely adjusted to the light when she yanked back the blankets. Blood was on the sheets and covered the insides of her thighs. A cramp tore through her lower abdomen and Meredith couldn't stop the cry that came from her lips. The white pair of underwear that she'd put on a few hours prior was unrecognizable and the sheets were stained with blood…_

_Grabbing the house phone, she quickly dialed the one person she knew that would pick up the phone. _

"_Addie," Meredith cried when she heard the red head's voice. "I need you, please. I need you…"_

_Addison quickly promised to be over and Meredith ended the call. Looking down at the blood on her skin, she could feel shock in her veins. _

_She'd been fine. _

_Everything had been fine. _

_She'd only had a small ache…_

Meredith pulled herself out of her memories as she slid down the door to the floor. She'd been in so much pain that night. Addison had been able to help her and the small portable ultrasound machine that the red head always kept in her bag had only confirmed both their fears that night. Addison hadn't been able to find any evidence of the baby being safe anymore. A shower had washed away all the evidence of the blood from her body and Addison had changed the sheets on her bed after doing her best to scrub out the blood stains on the mattress. Going with Addison, Meredith had spent the night sleeping in Addie's spare bedroom. The medication that she'd been given had taken the edge off the pain, but it had hurt. Twice, Addison had offered to take Meredith to a different hospital because the bleeding had been so heavy. Both times she had declined. She hadn't wanted anything to show up on insurance about her needing to go to the E.R. for any reason. Derek hadn't known about the baby and there had been no reason for her to tell him. She had dealt with the pain. She hadn't needed him for that.

Pain was something that she understood well and she could deal with on her own. Physical pain had numbed out the emotional pain that she'd felt from Derek's absence that night.

* * *

Meredith knew that sending Alex in was a low blow to the girls, but they needed to figure out who the mother of the baby was. Sitting in the conference room next to Richard, she snuck a glance through the glass to see him towering over the girls with an intimidating look on his face. She knew that with all the pent up rage he had over Izzie, channeling it to good use was the best thing for him.

"I am giving you permission to do this," Lisa's father spat as he paced the length of the conference room on the opposite side of the table. "What's the hang-up?"

"The hang up," Meredith shot back getting frustrated at all four parents. "The hang up is that I cannot force them to do the exam. I can't force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do."

"They're fourteen," the one woman insisted as she looked at Richard. "They're minors. You have our consent. Do the damn exams."

"I don't have their consent. If they don't want the exam I can't force them to do it," Meredith explained again tiredly as she pinched the bridge of her nose and Richard let out a long sigh next to her. "That would be assault and frankly, I like my job and my spotless record. If someone doesn't want to submit to a vaginal exam, they don't have to. It's the law."

"That's it," Lisa's father snapped as he grabbed his coat. "I'm taking my Lisa home. I've had enough of this bullshit."

"You do that and I will have your ass arrested before you hit the front door," Richard snapped as he stood up. "You don't want me doing that."

Lisa's father stopped and looked mildly concerned as everyone looked at Meredith.

"I do these exams. They can be…traumatic," she tried to explain gently. "There can be bleeding, tearing of the hymen if the girl is a virgin. Not to mention the emotion distress that it would inflict on them if they aren't the baby's mother. There are a lot of pieces and parts in play here, but if someone would just tell us who the mother of the baby is…we wouldn't have to jump through all these hoops. A little honest goes a long way. If anyone knows anything, please...just speak up...I'm begging you."

"Well, if I had to take a guess as to whose kid it is…"

Chaos broke out at the woman's statement and Meredith closed her eyes as Richard squeezed her shoulder in support. They were accomplishing nothing and it was frustrating. All these parents wanted to do was to point fingers at each other and find someone else to blame for their child's screw-up. In Meredith's mind, no one was innocent. Each and every person was at fault for what had happened to the baby.

"I will admit the girls for the night," Richard announced after a moment of listening to the parents fighting. "No one is going anywhere until we find out who the mother of the baby is."

* * *

Sitting back in the bubble bath, Meredith stared blankly at the wall and cursed herself for not bringing a bottle of Tequila home with her to drink. She still couldn't believe that one of those girls had left her baby in a trashcan. The whole thing seemed almost…surreal to her. She just couldn't imagine what kind of person left a baby alone to die in a trashcan. Swallowing hard, Meredith heard Derek before she saw him. He leaned against the door frame of their private bathroom and looked just as tired as she felt.

"Did you know that O'Malley proposed marriage to Stevens? She said yes," he told her quietly. "I heard it from one of the nurses when I was leaving the hospital. She nearly loses her medical career to save Denny Duquette and then leaves him for George O'Malley. I mean, Denny left her…which is understandable. She nearly killed the guy and he's smart to leave, but I just don't see her marrying O'Malley. That kinda came from nowhere and I don't get it."

"I know," Meredith answered with a lifeless tone as she stared at the wall. "That's part of the reason Alex Karev is so…pissed off. He doesn't understand it and neither do I. Frankly, I don't give a damn."

Derek took his own clothes off and sank down in the bathtub facing her. He rested his elbows on the edge of the tub. With one hand, he pressed two fingers to his temple as his thumb rested on his jaw. He looked handsome, but Meredith wasn't in the mood to be physical with him. She was hurting and there was no amount of Tequila in the world that would numb the hurt that she was feeling from the case that she was on. There was nothing that would take away the pain she was feeling inside. She was feeling pain that seemed to be ripping the very insides of her to shreds as it festered and tore away at her heart.

"Did you find out the mother of the baby?" Derek asked her quietly as he turned the knob and added more warm water to the cooling bath.

"No," Meredith said feeling suddenly angry she dropped her hands beneath the water and tucked her knees to her chest. "Those parents…all they did today… they fought, Derek. They just fought and argued about how the other parents were raising their children. They're so absorbed in themselves that they…they can't even notice that one of their children was pregnant. How do you miss that detail?"

"I missed it," Derek admitted softly as he looked at her and shut the running water off. "I missed all the signs that you were pregnant, Meredith. I…I spoke with Addison about it. She said that you'd been sick and that you were having severe morning sickness everyday before you lost the baby. I missed that and it's something that I shouldn't have missed. I should have been home…taking care of you. Making sure that you were resting…getting you everything you needed and I didn't. I can understand how those parents missed such a large detail."

"That's different," Meredith whispered as her voice quivered. "It's not the same, Derek. I hid those details from you."

"You shouldn't have been able to hide them. I should have been there...it would have been impossible for you to hide. I was an absent husband in New York," he continued quietly. "Those people…they're absent…just like I was and I know that you blame yourself for what happened. Addison knows that you've been avoiding her because she's pregnant. Meredith…talk to me, please…tell me what's wrong. What's going on in your mind? I can't help you…you have to tell me…clue me in…please"

Looking at him, Meredith blinked her eyes rapidly as she fought back tears. She didn't want to cry and yet, she needed to. She needed to be held and told that it was okay to hurt. It was okay to feel pain and grief. It was okay to let him see her breakdown. She'd spent plenty of time crying on her own about her own loss, but she'd never let Derek in. He knew nothing of the pain that she still felt in her heart at the sight of a baby or an expecting mother.

"It's not fair," Meredith whispered to him tearfully. "It's not fair that…that poor baby has to suffer. He's a baby and I don't understand. It's not fair. None of it is fair."

"Nothing is ever fair," Derek told her as he reached for her.

Willingly, Meredith let him drag her across the tub and into his arms. He held her and she felt herself giving into the pain. Closing her eyes, she felt a flood of grief for her own lost child hit her like a tsunami. The first tear came and she couldn't stop the second. She cried as Derek held her tightly. She cried for everything that she'd lost that night and in some ways, her tears were healing. Feeling Derek's own tears on her skin made her realize that he had also lost a child. It wasn't just her child…it was their child. A child that they'd created out of love and that creation of love had been ripped away from them before they were even ready to let it go. Lying in the cocoon of warm water and his arms, Meredith wasn't sure how long she'd spent crying. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, all she knew was that she hurt and in pain.

"I can't stop thinking that if I had done something different," she whispered to him as tears wet her cheeks. "I caused it. It's my fault. Slipping..."

"No," Derek said firmly as his voice broke and he pulled her to him tightly. "You didn't do anything wrong, Meredith. You're not at a fault for what happened. You didn't cause the miscarriage. It just wasn't meant to be."

"I'm late," she admitted softly. "I'm over a month late for my period. I let myself get excited when I was four days late. I let myself for a few hours hope that I was pregnant again, but I'm not pregnant. I had a positive and negative pregnancy tests, but Addison did an ultrasound to be sure. I'm not pregnant. I just…Derek…It was false and I…"

She sobbed and he held her tightly in his arms. The crushed feeling that she'd been fighting hit her hard as he held her.

"I let myself hope," she sobbed. "And it hurts. Oh, my God. It hurts. I really thought…I let myself hope and all I keep thinking about now is the baby I lost and it feels like I've lost that baby all over again…I...and it's my…I couldn't…It's my fault…Derek..."

He whispered soothing words to her over and over again as she sobbed. He told her it wasn't her fault that she'd done nothing wrong, but she'd let herself hope briefly for another child. She'd let herself hope and the crushing feeling of not being pregnant again had hurt far more than she'd ever thought possible. Coupled with the feelings of having to care for a dying baby that had been left in a trashcan...Meredith was overwhelmed at that very moment. Taking a shuddering breath, she closed her eyes as he held her tightly to him. Hearing a knock on their bathroom door, Meredith didn't move in Derek's arms. Her back was to the door and the bubbles in the bath covered her body. The only part of her that was exposed was her shoulder and the back of her head. No one would be able to see anything. Under the water, her knees were curled towards her body and she rested against Derek's solid body. She could feel his strong leg against her shins as one arm wrapped around her and held her to him as his fingertips drifted over her skin under the water. Derek tightened his hold on her as he called out for the person to enter. Meredith could hear Carolyn's soft voice through the cracked door saying that Derek's pager had gone off twice.

"Does it say it's an emergency?" Derek asked as he held her to him.

She could hear the slow, steady rhythm of his heartbeat and it was comforting sound. It was giving her strength because that's what she needed from him. Comfort and strength…she hurt so badly that just being in his arms eased her hurt, even if only a little. Silently, she prayed that he didn't let go of her. She needed him more than she'd ever needed him. The thought of him leaving…Meredith couldn't bear trying cope with the feelings that she had passing through her all on her own...not without him. Wrapping her thin arms around his strong arm, she clung to him and in response, he rested his chin on top her head and rubbed her back beneath the water. It was his silent way of telling her that he understood her need. He understood that she needed him more than ever before and he wasn't leaving her side. Nothing would take him from her in that moment. They both silently understood and he wasn't leaving her.

Nothing could take him away.

"No, but I thought I should tell you," Carolyn replied quietly. "I wasn't sure what to do. I'm sorry to interrupt."

"I'll take care of it later," he said as he soothingly rubbed a hand up and down Meredith's spine in reassurance. "Thanks, Mom."

The door closed, but Meredith didn't move until Derek shifted in the bathwater. He moved them into a more comfortable position as she lay against his chest and his arms wrapped around her. Resting her head against his shoulder, Meredith closed her eyes when she felt a hot washcloth move up and down her exposed shoulder and spine. It felt good. For the first time in weeks, Meredith realized just how tense her muscles were and how much her body hurt. Her whole body ached from the stress and pain that had manifested itself physically in her body.

"No more running," Derek whispered into her bun at the base of her neck. "No more, Meredith, please. You're so thin and I don't want you getting any smaller. I can feel all your ribs and it's not…you don't have to punish yourself for what happened. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. You don't deserve this pain. You didn't cause any of this to happen. You can forgive yourself and it's alright to be disappointed about not being pregnant. We…we weren't trying and it's understandable to have been excited and hopeful. It's okay to feel the way you feel. You're allowed to feel hurt about all this. It doesn't make you weak or anything else. It's okay, sweetheart…it's okay, Meredith…it's okay to hurt. I understand."

Tears falling down her cheeks, Meredith nodded tiredly against his shoulder as she realized for the first time just how truly tired she felt. The feeling of the warm cloth over her aching muscles felt amazingly good as Derek cradled her in his arms. Slowly, the tension that had been in her muscles for weeks ebbed away as he slowly tried to help loosen every muscle of her back and in her shoulders. Each touch brought new sobs from her chest, but he kissed the back of her head as he repeatedly told her that she could forgive herself. She hadn't caused the miscarriage and she was allowed to grieve for her loss. Pushing away the pain wouldn't make it go away. They were both allowed to be hurt and in pain over what had happened. For the first time, Meredith let herself truly grieve in his arms. She wasn't sure how much time passed, but her sobs eventually became silent tears running down her cheeks. The water turned cool and Derek pulled the plug in the base of the tub.

He helped her to stand and tenderly dried her off before wrapping the towel around her and hugging her to him. The feeling of his touch was healing in many ways as she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest.

"We'll get through this," he whispered to her. "I know it hurts, Meredith. I know it hurts and aches, but we'll get through this pain together. Okay?"

He pulled back and cupped her tear stained cheeks. Tiredly nodding, Meredith let him take care of her without protest. He dried her skin before gently rubbing lavender lotion into the sore muscles of her shoulders and back. He helped ease the physical hurt she felt from her shoulders before pulling back the blankets and sheet to their bed. Helping her to slip on one of his old t-shirts that she liked to wear, he let her lay down before pulling the blankets over her exhausted form. Curling onto her side, Meredith fought to keep her eyes open as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her head.

"I have to go check on the pages I got, but I'll be back," he promised softly. "Just close your eyes and rest, okay? Get some sleep."

Tiredly, she nodded and reached for a pillow. Pulling it to her chest, Derek watched her eyes tiredly close before pressing one last kiss to her temple and leaving their bedroom as quietly as he could after shutting off the bed side lamp and turning the alarm clock on.

* * *

"How is she? I heard her crying. I didn't mean to interrupt you both, but with the pages…"

Looking up at the sound of his mother's voice, Derek paused in the lunch that he was making for Meredith and shook his head.

"It's okay, Mom. Meredith is…exhausted," he told her softly. "She and Yang…they push themselves harder than Mark and I ever did as interns. They're so damn good. The only difference is that Yang takes care of herself and Burke makes sure of it. Meredith…she's hurting and punishing herself for what happened in New York. She's literally running from her pain and it…she's so thin, Mom. I almost want to take her to the hospital and put her on IV nutrition. Being with her in the tub…I could feel her ribs."

"Why don't you take her to the hospital?" Carolyn asked curiously as she sat down on the stool at the island in the kitchen and looked at her son.

"Because it's not what she'd want and I want to respect her wishes. She promised me that she'd stop running and I already hid her running shoes. I wanted to make her a quick lunch before I go back upstairs and lay down. I know that she's busy…I just don't want her to skip anymore meals," Derek said as he put the lid on the grilled chicken salad that he'd made and slipped the container into the refrigerator. "She needs me and I will be there for her. Even if it means making sure that she's eating. Basic things and the hard things…she needs me, Mom. She needed me in New York and…I failed her. I'm not failing her this time. I'm not letting her slip through the cracks like I did before...that's not an option...not for me and not for her."

"It's a start," Carolyn agreed with a nod. "Making sure that she's eating something and she has someone."

"She had a pregnancy scare," Derek admitted after a moment and he shook his head. He felt tears come to the back of his eyes as he shook his head. "She's trying, Mom. I know she's trying to pretend like she's not hurting and everything is okay, but she's not okay. She let herself hope. She had a positive pregnancy test and she let herself hope for a little while that she was pregnant and that hope got crushed. She's hurting and she's…I don't know. Having children…it's always something that we've wanted, but right now…she's over a month late and she's not pregnant...the stress of everything...it's taking its toll on her body."

"Having a child would be bad timing," Carolyn said understandingly. "You're upset about it."

"I don't like seeing her hurt," Derek admitted as he looked at his mother tiredly. "She's my wife. She's the woman I love more than anything. Seeing her in pain…it hurts and she doesn't deserve to be in pain. Not after all the crap that she's gone through with Ellis. I want her to be happy and I feel like I'm failing her. I'm failing her and I don't know how to help her."

"You care," Carolyn told him softly. "You love her and that's all you can do, Derek. Just love her because love is all she needs to get her through the pain. It's okay to talk about the miscarriage and her pregnancy scare. It's okay to talk about that with her."

"She blames herself for the miscarriage still and I don't…I blame myself more than I would ever blame her," he replied with a shake of his head. "I should have been there. That night she lost the baby…I should have been there to help her. I should have been there from the very moment that she found out about the baby. I failed my child before he or she was even born, Mom. I just…Meredith…she's everything to me and I don't want her to hurt anymore."

"Maybe the best place to start is with figuring out why she's late," Carolyn suggested calmly. "It's a place to start and she's going to need you to get through that appointment. Maybe having birth control is a good thing for her right now while she's healing. I don't think another pregnancy scare would be good for her…or you."

"You're probably right," Derek sighed quietly. "We were going to go see Addison, but I think I'd rather not do that."

"See a doctor that you both like," Carolyn suggested with a sad smile. "It's a start and maybe seeing a doctor about what's happened and practicing birth control is a good idea. You and Meredith need to get closure from the past before you move on and begin planning your family, Derek."

Nodding, Derek shut off the light above the sink before pressing a kiss to Carolyn's cheek.

"Thanks, Mom," he murmured quietly. "I'm gonna go upstairs before Meredith thinks I've gone to the hospital."

"She's asleep," Carolyn admitted with a sad smile. "I checked on her before I came down to talk with you."

"Good," Derek sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "God knows the last time she had a full night of sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

Carolyn bid him goodnight and he left the kitchen. Climbing the stairs, Derek found Meredith snuggled with the pillow like he'd left her. Checking the alarm clock, he slid into bed behind her and wrapped an arm around her thin waist. Breathing in the lavender smell of her skin and hair, Derek closed his eyes and promised himself that he'd talk to Addison in the morning. Maybe Carolyn was right. Seeing an OB/GYN and talking would be a start to moving forward.

"I love you," she whispered sleepily to him.

"I love you, too," he whispered back before he pressed a kiss to her shoulder blade.

* * *

_April 5, 2006_

Sitting in a quiet corner of the cafeteria, Meredith slowly ate the lunch that Derek had packed her. He'd had to leave early, but she'd found the packed lunch next to her purse with a note from him asking her...begging her...to eat something. He was right. Standing in the mirror, she'd seen bones protruding that she hadn't seen in a long time. She looked unnaturally thin and even her wedding rings had begun to slide off her finger. Slowly eating and reading a new article on cardio surgery, Meredith felt drained. She felt emotionally drained more than anything. It had been a long night for everyone, but the baby boy that had been found in the trashcan had held on. He was a fighter and she still wasn't any closer to finding out who his mother was.

Finishing, Meredith threw away the trash and left the medical journal on the table for someone else to read. Leaving the cafeteria, she made her way back to the surgical floor. Crossing the catwalk, she paused when she looked down and saw the police speaking with the parents of the four girls. Resting her forearms on the railing, she looked down at the parents as they argued with the police about who the baby's mother was. The parents hadn't stopped fighting among themselves and Meredith could see that even the police officers were growing frustrated with the bickering. She could relate to that helpless feeling of frustration and hopelessness…

…_Standing in the middle of their bedroom, Meredith stared at Derek in shock. He'd been cold and distant for months, but to pick up and move across the country just seemed crazy, but that's what Derek wanted to do._

"_Derek, please," Meredith choked out. "Can we please just talk about this? Moving across the country? We have a family here. We have friends. You have your job and I have an internship starting in a few weeks. We can't just drop everything and move to Seattle."_

"_Richard offered me a job as the Head of Neurosurgery and six and a half million dollars a year," Derek said without looking up at her as he opened a box and began putting their things from the nightstand inside. "Why the hell would I turn that down?"_

"_Because it's in Seattle! It's across the country and it means leaving everything behind. Everything that we have! Derek, please! Stop packing and can we just talk for once?" _

_Meredith refused to cry, but she was awfully close to letting her tears control her. She didn't know what was happening. The man in front of her hadn't been her husband for months and she was hurting. She was aching and she needed to know what the hell was happening. Months ago, her life had seemed…almost perfect. She had problems, they both did, but Derek wasn't the cold stranger that he'd been for months. _

"_Please," Meredith begged him. "Can we just talk about this? What the hell is going on?"_

"_What is there to talk about?" Derek barked as he looked up at her. "It's a job, Meredith. It's a better job than I have now. It's a no brainer. Besides, Seattle Grace is the second best teaching hospital in the country behind Hopkins. You already have a place there and Richard guaranteed that. You have your internship. What else is there to talk about?"_

"_We're just going to leave behind our family?" Meredith cried out as finally let tears come to her eyes. "Our friends? Is that what we're doing? Leaving our life behind and moving without even talking about what the hell is going on?" _

"_I already accepted the job," Derek told her coolly._

"_So, we don't get to talk about this? We just pack up everything and leave?"_

"_You can stay, Meredith," he snapped back. "You don't have to come with me. No one is forcing you to come with me. Stay here, if you want to."_

_His words felt like a knife stabbing her. Meredith could hear the underlying threat. She could hear the unspoken words that were passing from his lips. If she didn't go…if she didn't go with him, they were done. The only thing they would have left would be a divorce that would take place across a country. It would be painful and hard. Meredith felt shocked and felt like she might collapse._

_ How had things gotten to this point? _

_How had things between them gotten so bad? _

_Sinking down onto the end of the bed, Meredith tried to comprehend what was happening to her life…her marriage. The man she'd married…he'd never given her an ultimatum. He'd never forced her to decide anything except the type of pizza topping that she'd wanted. Even then, he'd loved her. He hadn't been the man in front of her. He'd loved her and this man…Meredith didn't know if he even cared for her anymore. She felt haunted by the past and it scared her to even think about the future. It had crossed her mind several times that Derek was possibly having an affair, but she'd always pushed the thoughts away. Maybe he was having an affair and this was him running to hide the truth from her. The dark reality and the fear of the unknown scared her. If he was having an affair...if this was him running to hide the truth...she wasn't sure if she could handle the pain. She wasn't sure if she could handle the pain if he was actually having an affair with another woman. _

_The pager that he always wore on his waist went off and Meredith felt hopeless as Derek looked at the small black box that had become so intrusive in their life. He looked at it and she bit her bottom lip worriedly as he read the message. _

"_I have to go," he said after a moment and Meredith shook her head._

"_Is it an emergency?" she asked nervously. "Do really you have to go? Or do you just not want to be around me?"_

"_Meredith."_

_There was warning in his tone, but she ignored his words. She didn't care anymore. She couldn't live like this anymore and she needed him to know that. She was drowning and no one was helping her to breathe. There was no one there to help her breathe and she was going to have to save herself. Taking a shuddering breath, Meredith watched him as he put the box that he'd been filling aside and moved to their closet to change. _

"_Derek, please, stay," she begged tearfully. "Please, just stay. Can we talk about this? Can't someone else deal with the problem, please? We can't live like this. Please, tell me what's going on. I don't understand...please, just tell me what's happening...please..." _

"_I am a doctor, Meredith," he snapped as he walked back into their bedroom. "I have patients who are counting on me. They come first and right now, I have a patient that needs me. I have to go."_

"_Derek," she whispered as she begged tearfully. "Don't leave me, please. Don't go…I'm begging you...please, stay with me. Pick me for once. Just stay and talk to me...I don't ask you for much, but I am begging you for this..."_

_He ignored her as he grabbed a coat and his keys. It was like he completely shut her out and she didn't exist in his mind anymore. He was the surgeon, not her husband. Their conversation was over and he wasn't giving her a chance to have a voice or an opinion. There was no quick kiss good bye like there had once been at the beginning of their marriage. There was no smile and a promise of a good time later. There was nothing between them except cold distance and Meredith cried as she heard his footsteps on the steps as he descended. _

"_Just go!" she yelled after him tearfully. "It's all you do! Go run to the hospital and—just go, Derek. It's what you're good at. Walking away and not talking to me about anything. You don't care anymore. Just go! We promised each other that we'd never run and all you do now is run!"_

_He slammed the front door behind him as he left her again. _

_It was the only indication that he gave that he'd even heard her and Meredith collapsed onto the bed. Cradling her face in her hands, she cried. She cried because she didn't know what was happening. It felt like every time she tried to take a step forward, he took three steps back and away from her. Hugging herself, Meredith curled up on the bed and cried for what felt like hours as she tried to figure out what to do. Thankfully, their housekeeper knew when to stay away and Mrs. Lovett did leave her alone._

_She loved him. _

_God, she loved Derek Shepherd, but he was hurting her. _

_He was hurting her and she couldn't take the pain much longer. _

_There were choices that had to be made and she didn't want to make them. With him, she was hurting and miserable. They'd been this way for months and she'd been lonely for far longer. Her marriage, they weren't like the happy newlyweds they'd been years before. Somewhere along the line, they'd lost that bright and shiny feeling and she craved it. She wanted to be bright and shiny again with him. Lying on the bed, Meredith knew that if she didn't go to Seattle...her marriage would be done. There would be nothing to salvage because Derek wouldn't make the effort to save it from three thousand miles away. If she wanted to save the one thing that she had…it would mean following him even if she didn't want to follow him._

_Lying on the bed, Meredith closed her tired eyes. She wasn't sure that she wanted to save her marriage. She wasn't sure what about it was worth saving. All the memories that she had with Derek, all the happy memories were being tainted by this new man he'd become. She clung to the happy memories that she had like they were her life line. Those memories were all she had left at the end of the day and it broke her heart. She wondered if things would be different if she hadn't lost her baby. _

_Would Derek be different? _

_Would she be different? _

_Something told her that nothing would have changed, but she hurt just thinking about her loss. Silently, she was screaming out in pain and he couldn't hear her. No one could hear her crying and she needed him to see her hurting. She needed him and he wasn't there. _

_Derek was never there…_

Feeling a hand on her back, Meredith nearly jumped in fright. Derek stood at her side with a concerned look marring his handsome face as she relaxed under his touch.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly as he stood closely with her.

The wall of distance that he'd first erected around himself when they'd first arrived in Seattle had crumbled. They were professional, but they could be close and comforting when they both needed it. It was a balance that they'd found with Wyatt's help and Meredith was beginning to be grateful that they'd decided to go to a therapist. Seeking outside help was what they'd needed and the medicine was working. They were getting better at communicating and trusting each other. Things weren't perfect, but Meredith never expected perfection. She'd learned a long time ago that perfection wasn't possible in a relationship.

"I'm tired," she admitted as she rolled her shoulders. "I just want this whole case to be over with. That poor baby is hanging on. He's a fight, but we can't fix what's wrong with him. I've just…had enough of the whole thing. I'm scared I'm gonna kill one of these parents. I can't stand the fighting any longer."

"Where'd you go? You looked like you were lost in a memory," Derek murmured. "I tried calling your name, but you didn't seem to hear me."

"I was thinking that fight we had in New York," Meredith murmured back after a moment of hesitation. "It was about coming here and you were packing and I just remember how miserable I was after you left. I was just thinking about that. I imagine that's how the police feel about these people…hopeless."

"There's a night I wish I could do over," Derek answered sadly as he leaned on the railing next to her. "You didn't deserve what happened and I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about moving to Seattle."

Meredith shook her head, "I don't know what it is about this case…maybe it's seeing this people fight constantly. It just keeps bringing up the past and it hurts. I just want this to be done and over with. I just want someone to be honest and say that they are this baby's mother."

"It's never that simple."

"I know, Derek," she whispered. "I just hate it."

"Do you want to go back?"

"What?" Meredith asked him as she looked over at him with a confused expression. "What are you talking about?"

"New York," he said softly. "I never asked your permission. I gave you an ultimatum that left you with very little choice. I basically told you that if you wanted to stay married to me, you had to come to Seattle. That's not how loving relationships work. I should have asked you and spent time talking over the decision with you. It should have been a mutual decision between both of us. If you wanted to go back to New York, Meredith, we can go back. We have friends there and we had a life that we dropped to come here. If you want to go back, we can. You just have to say the word and we can go back. It was wrong of me to drag you out here against your will."

Meredith swallowed hard as she looked down at the police fighting with the parents, "I like it here. I like what we have. New York…maybe it was just poison to us."

"I was the one who was being poisonous to us," Derek corrected softly. "It wasn't New York. It was me, Meredith."

"Either way, we have something much better here," Meredith said with a tired smile. "I wouldn't give that up."

Derek nodded as she watched the crowd. Letting out a sigh, Meredith looked down at her watch.

"I'm gonna go lay down," she told him. "At this point, I'm just waiting for the baby to pass away or someone to admit to being the mother. Addison told me to use every trick that I have and I have, but nothing I do is gonna save that baby. I told the parents and the girls to page me when they're ready to talk."

"I, uh, have a surgery in about three hours if you want to scrub in," he replied with his own tired smile. "Something to get your mind off everything that's happening with the baby. You never know, you might like it."

Nodding, Meredith slipped her wedding rings off and pinned them to her scrub top. She felt so tired that she didn't trust herself not to lose them at some point. Keeping them pinned to her chest seemed like a much better idea.

"Can I give you an answer later?" she asked him. "I just want to lay down first and maybe in an hour, I'll let you know? If you don't hear from me in two hours, page me."

"Okay," he agreed as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Page me if you need anything, okay?"

Nodding again, Meredith left Derek on the catwalk and found an empty on-call room. Lying down on the bed, she let out a long sigh and closed her eyes. Derek hadn't run last night like he'd run almost every night in New York. He'd ignored the hospital when she'd needed him more than anything. Meredith could still feel his arms around her and the comfort that she'd felt in being with him. The pain hadn't been erased, but letting someone else know that she was hurting...it eased the burden of pain. Derek knew that she was in pain and even though he couldn't erase the pain, his knowing made her feel better. It gave her some hope that she wouldn't always feel the way she felt. He could help her to breathe, while she sobbed uncontrollably from the pain. It was something that he hadn't done in New York and the memory of the fighting she'd had with him seemed almost as if it was from a different time and a different life.

* * *

Derek had O'Malley on his service for the day, but he was distracted. In waiting for the test results that he wanted, he let himself remember that awful night in New York. He could remember her begging him not to go. She'd been crying and distraught about having to choose between going with him and staying in New York. He'd given her an impossible decision and then he'd left her all alone. In all the time that they'd been together, Derek could hardly ever remember Meredith begging him for anything. She wasn't the kind of woman that begged and the fact that she had begged him to stay that night…he'd hurt her and he'd left the brownstone that they'd stayed in knowing she was distraught and hurting. He'd told himself that his patient had come first, but leaving Meredith the way that she'd been that night…that hadn't been alright by any standard. Thinking back, he could have easily made a quick phone call that would have solved the problem. He could have sat with Meredith and told her everything. He could have done so many things differently that night, but he'd chosen not to. Searching his memory, Derek wondered just how many times had Meredith cried after he'd left her alone. She'd needed him in New York. She'd needed him when she'd been in pain and the pain that she'd suffered then was coming back now. There had been no one for her to talk to in New York. Meredith had felt trapped and he'd only made the feeling worse by bringing her out to Seattle. She'd dealt with the pain in the only way that she knew.

Sweeping the pain from the miscarriage under the rug had been the only thing that she had been able to do. She hadn't been capable of dealing with it before. Now, the pain that had been hidden had only grown and it had spent months eating away at her. She'd been hurting since New York and for over a year, she'd pushed the pain down. Now, the bandage that she'd hastily put over her bleeding heart had been ripped away and she was trying to hang on. It felt almost like an invisible glass thread was all that was holding her together and it scared Derek because he didn't know how to keep that glass thread from breaking. Looking back, there was so much that Derek wished he could do over, but last night he hadn't run like he always had in New York. He'd been there when she'd needed him. She was hurting and in pain, but he'd been there for her and he hoped that she trusted him enough to know that he wasn't going to run out on her ever again. It had been his habit in New York. Every page had been answered and he'd used them as excuses to avoid his marriage. Their problems had gone far deeper than him believing that she'd been responsible for breaking up Mark and Addison. He'd been doing damage to his marriage long before that had ever happened. Meredith had seen it before he had even realized what he was doing.

Staring at the scans as they came up onto the screen, Derek tried to block O'Malley out. The young man was clearly excited to be getting married, but Derek was getting annoyed with all the talk. All the guy could talk about was table settings, locations, and what Izzie Stevens was planning to serve as the dinner. The whole conversation was becoming annoying and Derek couldn't stop himself as he snapped like a rubber-band when George O'Malley asked for advice.

"Shut up, O'Malley. I'm not interested in your wedding plans."

"You're an ass," George said abruptly and Derek swiveled around in his chair and stared hard at the younger man. "You've lived and you got the hair and the hot wife. You've lived. Me? This is just now happening to me and you're being an ass. You could have told me to stop nicely. You didn't have to tell me to shut up."

"You want advice from someone who has lived, George?" Derek answered quietly. "My advice is that you should be there for all the big moments and all the small moments. When she asks you to stay, stay if you can because nothing is more important in your life than her. When you become a husband, you have a responsibility to your wife. You are going to be there for her on the happiest days and you are going to be there on the darkest days. You don't get to run when things get too hard or painful. That's how it works. You don't run, ever. You love that woman even when you're fighting and when she says that she needs you, you do everything in your power to help her. You're making vows. You're committing yourself to the woman that you love and you're honoring those vows for the rest of your life."

"You don't believe in divorce, do you?" George asked with a curious look on his face.

"I believe that I love my wife more than anything in this world and that she always comes first. I'm not going to lie to you, O'Malley. I've screwed up. I spent a long time in New York putting my career first. I did the Brain Mapping Project in New York and I told myself that I was doing it for my wife. I made a lot of excuses for myself and why it was okay to be an absent, crappy husband to her. I let myself be talked into believing that she'd nearly ruined a friend's marriage when I knew that she wasn't capable of ever doing such a thing. I left her on more than one occasion, more than I can count when she needed me. I hit the self-destruct button on my marriage and it's taken a long time to repair the damage, O'Malley. My wife nearly left me and she had every right to do that. All I am saying is that marriage isn't about the wedding day. It isn't about the fancy invitations or the seating arrangements. It's about what happens after. It's about spending your life with that person. You're going to build your life with Doctor Stevens. You'll have vows to honor with her and it's about so much more than colors. That's what I'm trying to tell you, O'Malley when I tell you to shut up. The wedding day and all that crap is useless because it isn't going to save you when you need it to. It isn't going to stop your wife from crying because she's in pain and she needs you. Being married, it isn't something that one takes lightly. You should never take it lightly. It's not a decision that happens overnight. You talk about it. You plan a life together and when the time is right, you ask that woman to marry you. That's advice from someone who has lived, who has the hair, and the hot wife. This whole you and Stevens crap? I don't buy it. I don't think you feel that way about Stevens. Call me when the scans are up and you have them."

His speech had silenced O'Malley and Derek breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't have to listen to anymore conversations about flowers or table arrangements. He and Meredith had done that once and it had been fun, but they'd also been planning more than just a wedding. They'd been planning a life together from the very start and even though life hadn't turned out how they'd anticipated, Derek was happy that she was in his life. He was happy that she was the center of his life. Standing, he left O'Malley alone to think about what he'd said because he didn't believe the whole happy wedding crap that was going around.

He just couldn't buy into it.

* * *

"Safe haven laws," Meredith said quietly as she sat on the bar stool in the kitchen next to Derek after dinner. "All those girls would've had to do was drop that baby off at a fire station or a hospital. Now, it's a mess. The police took D.N.A. samples from the parents and hopefully, we'll figure out who the mother is by matching the grandparent and the baby…it will take a few days."

"What other options do you have?"

"Blood typing…I already started the lab work to do that before I left the hospital. I'll have the results in the morning. The baby is double-o. If the girl is A or B…she's not the mother."

"So, you'll have an answer in the morning," Derek said quietly and Meredith nodded. "That's good."

"I don't think that the baby will be alive in the morning," she told him honestly. "Burke is at the hospital trying to come up with a plan, but the baby…he won't live that long. Burke sent me and Cristina home. She and I spent all afternoon trying to come up with some kind of plan to save the baby's heart, but there is nothing to do. It's a battle that we just can't win. I don't think that even Burke can come up with a plan. He went over every idea that Cristina and I came up with and the look on his face, he's not hopeful either."

"I'm sorry," Derek said sincerely as he reached for her glass and pour a small amount of white wine into the wine glass and set the bottle down.

"How was your day?" Meredith asked softly as she reached for the wine while he picked up both their plates and took them to the sink. "I heard Doctor Shepherd gives out marriage advice and doesn't think that O'Malley is serious about Stevens. I got looked at like I'm crazy. More looks than usual, Derek…people seem to think I married a crazy person."

Derek shook his head as he loaded the dishwasher, "O'Malley wouldn't shut up about his marriage plans and when he asked for advice, I gave him my advice on everything. I just…I may have been a little vocal about my opinion, but the guy asked for advice and I let him have it. I shouldn't have, but I did."

"No," Meredith sighed as she looked at him. "You did the right thing. You and I, God, we are the old married couple that gives out marriage advice now. I can't believe we reached that point."

Derek chuckled as he finished the dishes and moved back to sit with Meredith, "Stevens needs a rebound after the whole Denny Duquette thing. She needs that and George will give it to her. Mark apparently started a divorce betting pool. He gives the marriage eight months, but enough about them. I want to talk about us."

Reaching again for the glass of wine that Derek had poured her earlier, Meredith arched an eyebrow. Raising the wineglass to her lips, she took a small sip before setting it back down in front of her. Derek stole the glass and sipped some of the wine as she watched him.

"That sounds ominous," she murmured as he put the glass back down. "You want to talk about us."

"It's not bad," Derek returned as he gave her a soft smile. "I talked with Addison today."

Meredith felt her body stiffen at the mention of Addison. She felt a wave of guilt pass through her. She'd been a horrible friend the past few months. After everything that she'd been through with Addison…the woman deserved a better friend than her.

"I think that we should go see a specialist that Addison recommend named Doctor Riley," Derek continued and Meredith looked at him with confusion.

"What? Why?"

"So we don't have any more scares about you being pregnant before we're ready," he said softly as he leaned in and rested his arm on the back of her stool as covered her hands with his. "Maybe going to a doctor…we can get some closure about what happened, Meredith. It's not your fault and maybe seeing a doctor will help you. You don't have to go if you don't want to. It's just a suggestion. I think that looking into birth control though…that would be a good idea for both of us."

"Only if you go with me," she whispered as she clutched his hand tightly. "I don't…we need to make a decision about birth control and clearly, condoms aren't going to be enough. I know that you don't think me being on the pill is a good idea, but we can ask about different methods and forms. I just want you with me. I know that it sounds stupid and childish, but—"

"Tell me the time and date," Derek answered as he soothingly ran his fingertips up and down her spine. "I'll be there. I'll always be there. Okay?"

Nodding, Meredith felt a wave of exhaustion hit her hard. Reaching for the glass of wine again, she took a large sip than before. Carolyn had joined a book club and Amelia was at an NA meeting for the evening. The house was surprisingly silent and Meredith suspected that if she didn't feel so depressed Derek would be very convincing in trying to get her to have sex on the desk in his office down the hall.

"Tell me I won't feel like this for forever," she whispered tiredly after she put the glass down. "Tell me that I won't feel like this always. I don't want to hurt."

"You won't," Derek murmured as he kissed the top of her head. "You won't hurt like this. It will go away. Not tomorrow maybe, but it will fade."

Meredith nodded as her beeper in front of her chimed. Looking down at the message, she sighed tiredly as she read the small black words on the screen.

"They have the blood typing back," she told him quietly. "I have to go. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Derek said as he leaned on the counter. "You have to go, I understand. We'll talk later, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith agreed as she walked towards the front door. "I'll call you. I may just stay at the hospital for the night. I have an early surgery in the morning with Cristina and Burke. I'll let you know."

"If you need a change of clothes, I can bring you something."

Meredith nodded as Derek followed her. He helped her into her silk lined trench coat and gently adjusted the collar around her neck like he always did. Looking up at him, Meredith let out a shaky breath and tried to smile. Derek deserved a smile from her after everything that had happened.

"We're gonna fine, right?"

"Yeah," he told her softly. "We are going to have to start looking at different plans for houses soon. How does that sound? Something to take your mind off of work and everything else that is going on. I can make an appointment to meet with an architect on Saturday."

"I like that thought," Meredith replied as she gave him a genuine smile. "It will be fun. I still want to pick out furniture and I have to restrain myself."

"We'll have to make a day of that," Derek grinned back. "It'll be painful for our credit card, but it will be fun. We'll have lunch and then spend the afternoon shopping."

Meredith nodded and he kissed her softly before she left the house feeling a little better than before.

* * *

"How do you not know your kid's pregnant?" Alex asked angrily as Meredith looked down at the baby who was struggling to live despite all the drugs and machines that were trying to help him. They were waiting for the blood typing results that had been run a second time just to make sure that the results were correct.

"You love someone and try to see the best in them," Meredith answered tiredly. "You don't want to see the faults they have. You'd rather just love them for the good and forget the bad. It makes life easier, but everyone has faults and we can't ignore them. Ignoring those faults...it's dangerous."

"Okay, how do you have a baby and then put that baby in a trashcan?"

"I don't know. I don't know how someone can have a baby, put the baby in a trashcan and pretend like it never happened. My baby…I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl, but when I lost the pregnancy it was like my whole world was shattered. It was like I'd lost something that was infinitely more precious than anything else. I can't imagine putting my child in a trashcan, but his mother did and it is something that I will never understand. Did Addison send you up here?"

Alex nodded sadly, "I'm supposed to be here until…you know. Sloan wants me to call time of death and all that."

Meredith reached inside the incubator and gently touched the baby's hand. Reflexively, he squeezed her hand and she smiled down at him.

"I know you're in pain," she whispered to the baby. "When you're ready, it's okay to let go. We'll try and make it as painless as possible for you, but you don't have to keep fighting. It's okay to let go. You've been stronger than anyone has ever thought possible. You can go. It's okay to let go."

"This can't be easy for you," Alex said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"I'm guessing that the entire hospital knows that I've lost a child by this point," Meredith answered bitterly as she looked up at him. "Nothing stays private. Nothing is personal…I hate that."

"Actually, the only reason I know is because you just told me. Nobody knows and I won't say anything."

"Thank you, Alex."

Together, they stood silently in the N.I.C.U., waiting for the second test results. Meredith wanted to ask him about George and Izzie. The announcement had been so unexpected and sudden that no one knew what to think. Meredith had never even considered George and Izzie as a couple and suddenly, they were getting married. There had to be bad feelings between George and Alex. Meredith knew that Alex had cared for Izzie, she just didn't know how deep those feelings went. The hissing sound of the doors opening forced them both to look up as a nurse delivered lab results.

"Karen and Lisa are not a match," Alex said quietly as he read the results. "What do you want to do, Mere?"

"I want to show his mother what he looks like before he dies," Meredith answered quietly. "She deserves to see him before he leaves this world. You don't get to leave your son in a trashcan and not see the results of what you did."

* * *

Bringing all four girls into the small room in the N.I.C.U., Meredith stood behind the girls as they looked down at the baby boy struggling to live. The four parents were also in the room dressed in gowns as they all looked down at the baby.

"This is your son," she announced quietly to the group. "He weighs two pounds, 6 ounces. His left lung has collapsed twice. He has bleeding into his large intestine and he has spinal nerve compressions from a difficult delivery and a tumor. Doctor Shepherd, our neurosurgeon, cannot fix the spinal nerve compressions because of the risks of bleeding and the inoperable tumor."

"What does that mean?" Karen's mother asked quietly.

"Your son will never walk," Meredith said calmly as she looked at the girls. "The intra-abdominal bleeding has been unmanageable. At this point, part of his bowel is dying and because his platelet count is so low, he would bleed out on the table should the general surgeons go in and try to fix it."

"You're a cardio surgeon," Sara said softly. "Why are you here?"

"Your son has a heart condition. His aorta is malformed and it's not wide enough to let enough blood get through his body. He's not getting enough blood to the rest of his body and his heart is working overtime to try and meet the needs of his body," Meredith answered. "That's why I'm here. His heart is failing."

"What's the point in showing us this?" Lisa's father demanded angrily. "What's the point?"

"My point," Meredith said sharply as she looked over them all. "My point is to show you the little boy that each and every single person in this room has failed. He is the innocent party in this situation. No one here gets to claim that their daughter isn't mixed up in this somehow. You have been neglectful as parents. You have sat and argued about how your daughter is not the mother, but you haven't thought twice about this innocent child. He is the little baby boy that was left to die like a piece of garbage in a trashcan. You need to see this because this baby isn't going to live. There is nothing that we can to help him and you all need to see the little boy who is going to die."

All eight heads jerked and looked at Meredith in shock.

"The damage is too extensive," she continued as they looked at her. "We cannot help him, but he deserves more than to be just the baby one of you threw away into a trashcan. No drug in the world is going to save him. No miracle surgery is going to help him. This is life and not some silly little game of spin the bottle. I know that things happen and mistakes are made. This baby is probably a mistake in your mind. One day things got to be too much and something happened. You made a mistake or you were coerced into sex because that guy said one too many sweet words. I don't know what happened and I don't care. What I do know is since the moment you've all arrived, I've had to listen to everyone talk about how their child isn't the mother or how they haven't done anything wrong. I've listened to everyone proclaim their innocence in this situation. Instead of trying to help this child, you haven't helped him. You've protected yourselves and you've let this happen. From the start, this should have been about helping this baby boy and not one person has helped this boy. This is your son take a look at him because as his mother and as his grandparent, you have failed him in the very short life that he has had. You have failed him and he is going to die for your failures as a parent."

Eight pairs of eyes watched the baby struggle to breathe before Meredith spoke again.

"I want you to look at your son," she said quietly as she looked at the girls. "You are all at fault for this. No one is innocent in this situation except for this baby. You are all at fault because you have all lied and you have all helped cover this up. One of you put this baby in a trashcan and thought that you could forget about him. He could have been saved earlier in your pregnancy. A simple operation would have fixed the tumor and a shunt in his heart would help his heart grow until he was old enough and the operation that he needed could have been easily performed. His death could have been prevented. I am asking to please be honest with me, yourselves and your parents for once throughout this whole process because the truth will come out. It always does in the end.

"Please, stop," Sara's mother said tearfully. "Can't we wait for the D.N.A. tests?"

Meredith ignored the woman and continued as stared at the girls brokenly, "Yes, the telling the truth hurts and it's painful. Do one thing for your son before he dies. Tell the truth. Be honest. He deserves that at the very least from his mother. Because that is what you are to this little boy. You are his mother and you cannot look me in the eye and tell me that you're not his mother. You created him. He came from your body. You gave him life and you tried to toss his life away like it didn't matter. Do one good, kind thing for your son before he dies. Be honest and tell the truth...don't let him die without hearing his own mother's voice...just once..."

The girl named Shannon blinked rapidly as she looked down at the baby.

"I'm his mother," she whispered. "He's my baby."

"Thank you," Meredith whispered back as she walked towards the tearful girl and hugged her tightly. "Thank you for being honest and telling the truth today. Your son, he'd be so proud of you and he'd tell you if he could. Thank you."

* * *

_Three Days Later…_

_April 7, 2006_

Looking down at the lifeless body of the baby boy that Alex had named Daniel, Meredith gently touched the soft wisps of hair on his small head. He'd fought so hard and Meredith was sad to see him leave the world. Daniel had hung onto life and he'd lived longer than anyone had expected him to live. She'd never met someone who fought as hard as he had and yet, it hadn't been enough in the end. He'd passed away painlessly in his sleep after Addison had bumped his pain meds to a higher dose. No one had said a word about what had happened and Shannon had been barred from seeing her son again after admitting to being his mother. The girl had been remorseful, but it wasn't enough. Not in Meredith's eyes and not in the eyes of the law. All four girls and their parents were facing charges of different counts, but Meredith didn't feel the satisfaction that she'd expected to feel. Prosecution wouldn't bring the little boy back to life and it wouldn't repair the damage that had been inflicted on everyone who'd been involved with the case.

"Karev said that you were in here helping the nurse with after life care."

Hearing Derek's voice, she looked up at him and nodded. In some ways, she was thankful that Addison had made her take Daniel's case. After being in Derek's arms, sharing her hurt and pain with him, she felt closer to him. She felt like the gap that had been between them was finally beginning to fade away and even though it was still there, it was beginning to heal. She was beginning to heal in some ways and realizing that she needed to heal in others.

"He fought so hard," she whispered to Derek as he moved to stand at the incubator. "I didn't think he'd make it through that first night, but he did. Shannon, she didn't have a name for him and Alex thought he looked like a Daniel. That's what they're going to put on his birth certificate…his name is Daniel and Alex has had a fundraiser to raise the funds to give him a good funeral. He's going to have a plot in a local cemetery on this hill. Alex showed me a picture, it's nice. This little boy deserved so much more than what he had. He would have been fighter if he'd lived. He would have done great things, Derek. I just have this feeling when I look at him and you know my feelings are never wrong."

"He's your case."

"My case?"

"We all have a case that just sticks with us more than any other case. I have my case and Daniel is your case," Derek said quietly as he stood across from her. He reached into the incubator and covered her hand with his. His skin was warm and soft against hers and Meredith looked up from Daniel and smiled sadly at Derek.

"I bought the blanket two days before I lost the baby. I had thought the color was perfect for a nursery. I thought that the baby was going to be a girl. I just had this feeling," she confessed to him in a shaky voice. "I actually sat through one of my classes and just looked at all the baby girl names that I could find…Sophie was what I wanted to name her. Sophia Shepherd...that was what I thought we should have named her. I wanted her to have the room across the hall from our bedroom in the brownstone. In the two weeks that I knew about the baby it felt like I had planned out her whole life and in one whole night…I lost that life. It happened so fast, Derek. It was just an ache when I got home and changed. One single ache that I didn't really give a second thought about and later...I'd just…I'd thought about calling you. When I'd gotten up to get a bath that night…something inside me just said that I should have called you. I ignored that thought and I lost the baby."

"It's nothing you did," Derek whispered back to her as he squeezed her hand in support. "The miscarriage…something was wrong before it ever happened."

"What if I caused it though?" she asked in a tearful voice. "What if there is something wrong with me and my body? What if I'm the reason that our baby…what if I'm the reason that I had the miscarriage in the first place, Derek? I slipped the day before."

Derek let go of her hand and walked around the incubator. He drew her into his arms and held her close. Meredith clung to him and closed her eyes. She hated to feel so weak, but she needed him. She needed him more than she'd ever needed him before.

"There's nothing wrong with you, but we will go to this doctor to find out if it will make you feel better, Meredith," he murmured softly as he rested his cheek against the top of her head. "There's nothing wrong with you. This happened and it's not fair. Something was wrong with our baby long before you or I knew about your pregnancy. Something wasn't right and it wasn't meant to be a healthy pregnancy. It's nothing you did, Meri. There's nothing wrong with you and you didn't cause the miscarriage. Okay? I'll keep telling you that until you believe it, Meredith. You didn't cause the miscarriage and there's nothing wrong with you. You're not less of a person and someday, you're going to be a wonderful mother. It just wasn't meant to be."

Meredith nodded against his chest as she let his words sink in. She still wasn't completely convinced, but she was letting herself believe for the first time that he was right.

* * *

**Responses to Reviews: **

**Greysfannn: Thanks for the review! I know that Meredith is going through a rough time, but things will get better! Promise!**

**Patsy: Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I can promise that Meredith is not going to be pregnant when Elliot Bay happens. I'm not that cruel (you may change your mind later), but no baby then. As for the wine and tissues…that's probably a go…get the nice, good, expensive stuff…**

**Yes! Addison was snarky and it probably was the hormones, but just wait until you see her with male strippers…More is on the way!**

**Juli: Thanks for the review! Glad that you liked the chapter! Yes, it was a most important conversation that Derek had with Amelia. As for Meredith…I think she's really begun to open up to Derek in this chapter. It was important for both of them.**

**Chicagonp2012: Thanks for the review! Glad that you love it! Yes, she and Derek aren't quite ready for that step and as for Meredith and Addison…they'll have their revival soon enough. And Elliot Bay…I think that everyone will have their moment in that chapter…More is on the way!**

**Susan: Thanks for the lovely review! So glad that you like that chapter. Yes, there is some bad blood between Addison and Meredith, but they'll be hashing it out soon over tampons and cranberry juice. I can't give too much away, but you're right…Meredith will be a totally kick ass mom. **

**Guest #1: Thanks for the review! You're poor eyes:) Hope you enjoyed this chapter! More is on the way!**

**Oulipo19: Thank you so much for your review! I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. Thank you for sharing about it and giving some perspective. You are right. So many people deal with things in their own ways and I'm glad that you got through it. I think that this chapter with the girls was really important for Meredith and I think as a friend, Addison knew that Meredith just needed to face the issue head on. Both Meredith and Derek need to face the issue to move forward and start the healing process. Thank you again for such a wonderful review! Happier times are on the way and I promise…McDreamy baby making can be really, really hot…it'll be worth the wait…**

**Ellen: Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed!**

**Williamsm98: Yes, Derek and Amy had a really good heart to heart…settled some things that needed to be talked about and Meredith and Derek had theirs in this chapter…Thanks for the review!**

**Spazmin: Thanks for the review! I hope you liked this one! Yes, McBabies are wonderful, but you are right. Their lives are so hectic that it just doesn't feel like the right moment…but that moment is coming!**

**Hasi2012: We are so headed for a fifty foot drop on the coaster...be ready!:) Thanks for the review! **

**Japa01: Thanks for the review! So glad that you enjoyed Derek and Amy! They really needed it!**

**McDreamyforever: Thanks for the review! I'm so sorry you feel disappointed! If I tell you that there are strippers coming will that make you feel better? I have several very funny things coming for Derek and Meredith before we jump into the icy waters of Elliot Bay…**

**Anne0717: Thank you for the review! Glad you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!**

**GayleLynn: Thank you for the review! Glad that you enjoyed the chapter! Yes, we've had a lot of growth for Derek. He really is beginning to understand how much she's hurting and she's opened up to him even more. I think in a lot of ways, Derek is realizing how easily Meredith could have become Amelia. Meredith didn't get to the point of completely ODing on drugs like Amy did, but she abused sex, drugs, and alcohol in a similar manner to cope with Ellis' abuse throughout her teenage years. More is on the way…Meredith has a ghost coming from the past and we'll see how it goes over with Derek…**

* * *

**Alright, I've been working on a second Grey's story with Meredith and Derek called **_**I Know You**_** and I won't give too much away, but I will tell you that if we reach 400 reviews, I'll post a portion of it in the next chapter that gives you a snapshot of what it's all about…so, who's ready to leave a review! (Plus, I know I have lots of peeps lurking out there reading...drop a message...it's a nice long chapter...there has to be something in there...send me your cheers, jeers, tears, and fears...)**

**See you Saturday!**

_**EDITED 3/24/2017**_


	16. XVI: Black Sheep

**Author's Note:**

**Oh my goodness! 38 reviews! Most ever! Thank you so much to everyone who left a review! I was so excited to hear from each and every one of you. I have news for you at the bottom! Thank you for reading. **

**This chapter covers 03x02, 03x03 and parts of the M&amp;M. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter XVI**

"…_I'm a bad woman to keep__  
__Make me mad, I'm not here to please__  
__Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back__  
__Once you go black, you never go back__  
__I'm a black sheep__…"_

~ "Black Sheep" – Gin Wigmore

_April 18, 2006_

Meredith sat on the exam table with Derek standing next to her. The new OB/GYN that Addison had suggested was a nice middle-aged woman. Doctor Riley was kind and spoke in a soft tone that calmed Meredith somewhat. After having a trans-vaginal ultrasound and going through her medical history, Doctor Riley had calmed Meredith's fears somewhat about the miscarriage. There was nothing anatomically wrong with her. Her uterus looked very good and her tubes and ovaries looked text-book. There was nothing in her history that would indicate that Meredith would be at risk for future miscarriages or other high-risk pregnancies. All her hormone levels appeared to be normal and the only thing that was affecting her right now was being under weight. Hearing all the words from Riley's mouth had calmed her nerves. Riley's diagnosis had been the same as Derek's. Something hadn't been right with the baby well before Meredith even knew that she was pregnant. Nothing could have been done to prevent the miscarriage except lowering stress levels, but that was something that ever mother was told. Sitting on the exam table, Meredith took a silent deep breath. They had already agreed that she would get the I.U.D. implant for birth control. It would be too complicated to try and take a pill every morning at the same time and a shot…well, Meredith didn't really want to get a shot every three months. Standing next to her with her pants on his arm, Derek looked calm.

"So, there's nothing wrong with me," Meredith said slowly to fill the void of silence.

"We knew that," Derek answered as he looked at her with a calm smile. "We knew that coming in here."

"I should be relieved. Shouldn't I?"

"You don't look relieved."

"I'm actually really nervous about this," Meredith admitted softly. "I know that they say 'mild discomfort', but I'm just curious to know if their mild discomfort matches my idea of mild discomfort."

Derek set her pants down on the chair and walked to her. Facing her, he cupped her cheeks and looked at her with concern.

"We don't have to do this today," he told her softly. "If you're having second thoughts…Meredith, you don't have to do this. We can use other methods."

"No, let's just get it done. Let's just do this. I'm just being a big baby about the pain."

A moment later, Doctor Riley returned with a reassuring smile on her face. Lying back on the exam table as she'd been told, Meredith took a shaky breath as she situated herself. Suddenly, she felt scared and grabbed tightly onto Derek's hand. He gently ran his fingertips through her hair and squeezed her hand. The doctor quickly explained everything that she would do to insert the I.U.D. and Meredith nodded. Tuning out the woman, she closed her eyes and tried to relax like she'd been told to do. She'd been through worse pain. She'd been through the excruciating pain of having a miscarriage on her own. That had hurt and this pain…she could get through a little pain. The procedure was uncomfortable, but it had been quick. Hoping off the table after the hour that she'd been forced to stay for observation, Meredith yanked her pants on as Derek watched her with a gleam in his eyes that made her grin.

"No," she said as she looked at him. "Even if we could, we can't. It's not happening."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Derek replied innocently.

"I've been married to you long enough to know that look in your eyes, Derek. You're not fooling either of us," she smiled at him.

"It could be fun," he grinned back at her. "You know it would be."

"I'm not having sex with you in an exam room," Meredith said with a shake of her head as she buttoned her jeans and yanked up the zipper. "It's not happening."

"Where's your sense of adventure?"

"Oh, I have plenty of adventure. You just wouldn't be able to handle it."

Derek kept his sexy grin on his face as he opened the exam room door before following her out. The idea of having sex with Derek was appealing and Meredith smiled as they walked out to the BMW.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea…

* * *

_April 20, 2006_

Walking into the hospital, Meredith had been curious from the moment that she'd crossed the threshold. Something was happening within the walls because everyone was whispering behind their hands and seemed more excited than usual. Every time she turned a corner, people would stop talking and stare at her before returning to their gossip. Whatever it was, Meredith could already feel her annoyance building.

"We're being stared at more than usual," Meredith hissed to Cristina as she came to stand with Yang and Mark. Looking up, she saw what had attracted their attention and arched an eyebrow. Powder-puff pink with pink lace around the edges, a pair of underwear was attached to the board and everyone was whispering about it. After the morning that Meredith had been through, underwear on the board was the last thing that she needed to worry about. People were staring and pointing at her and Yang, but Meredith ignored them. She'd gotten good at ignoring people.

"What happened?" she demanded as she looked around the crowd that had gathered to look to see who would take the pair of underwear off the board.

"Izzie Stevens posted them up there this morning," Cristina said in a hushed voice as she put her hands on her hips. "And judging by the way that she and O'Malley have been acting, I'm betting that O'Malley cheated on her with the owner of the panties. This crap was not what I needed. Mama and Papa Burke showed up today."

"I'm gonna lose fifty bucks," Mark groaned as Meredith continued to look around. "Jesus, Yang. What a shitty week you're having. Both of his parents? Christ. Thank God that Addison is estranged from her family. Thank God. I don't have in-laws. I have Mrs. Shepherd and that is it."

Barely listening to Mark and Cristina's banter, Meredith's eyes caught Callie Torres standing in the corner looking panicked. It was then that the pieces clicked together in her head. The underwear belonged to Callie…Callie, who had also been semi-seeing George until he'd proposed marriage to Izzie. The whole situation was still difficult to understand, but Meredith understood in that moment what was happening. Izzie must have caught George cheating with Callie and Izzie's way of letting Callie know that she knew what had happened between the dark haired beauty and George was to pin Callie's underwear to the board. Without thinking, Meredith moved forward and pushed her way through the crowd. Reaching the bulletin board, she quickly unpinned the underwear as a silence fell over the entire hallway. Stuffing the panties in her pocket, she turned and stared at the crowed with narrowed eyes.

"What the hell are all you people looking at?" Meredith snapped and several people jumped before scurrying away. "This is a hospital filled with sick people! Not some gossip magazine! Get going! I'm sure that you have things to do! Move your asses!"

People quickly dashed away as Meredith fisted the underwear in her lab coat pocket. Derek had appeared and was standing by the nurse's station with a concerned look on his face and a chart under his arm. Meredith walked away from him towards the stairwell and he followed her. Standing on the landing, she fished the underwear out of her pocket and held it up.

"Apparently, we were getting frisky somewhere and forgot to grab them when we left," she declared as he arched an eyebrow. With a pen, he took the underwear from her and examined it as if he were at a crime scene. Derek smiled and shook his head.

"You've never had pink underwear," he grinned at her. "You've always had black or white lace. Maybe satin on the occasional off-day or you've gone totally commando, but you've never been the pink kind of girl. These aren't yours."

"I had to do something," Meredith snapped as she yanked the panties back from him. "Everyone was staring and gossiping and it was…I had to do something to stop the craziness from getting worse."

"You could have just left them there," Derek reasoned calmly. "Let someone else handle it. Now, you've been branded the pink panties girl."

"I couldn't do that! Everyone would talk all day about how it was either mine or Yang's. Yes. Now, they are decidedly mine."

Before Meredith or Derek could say another word, the door to stairway opened and a horrified looking Callie stepped in. Wordlessly, Meredith handed the panties over to Callie and the black haired woman descended the stairs quickly as she stuffed the underwear away. Derek watched her go before turning and looking at Meredith with raised brows.

"Let me guess, O'Malley isn't over Torres and Stevens found out about it?" he said slowly. "Something like that?"

"I have no idea," Meredith snapped back at him. "I don't want to know what happened. I have enough personal issues going on that I don't need to bother myself with others, but I guess that could be what happened. The whole Torres-Stevens-O'Malley things…it's so freaking complicated and I decided that I wasn't going to keep up with it. I took her underwear off the board. That's the end of the story."

Derek looked at her with an arched brow, "You're snappy today."

"I'm just…Adele called me," Meredith blurted out as she looked at Derek tiredly. "Apparently, she and Richard are separated and the Chief is sleeping on the couch in his office. On top of that, I have to study for the intern exam and I just…I feel overwhelmed, right now. So, yes, I'm being snappish."

"I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to say right now as your husband. I know what to tell you as the attending…the whole husband thing…I'm afraid you'll hit me if I say what I think I should say," Derek replied slowly.

"You have to talk to Richard," Meredith said as if she were talking to a small child. "Get him to fix things with Adele because I am not fielding calls from her left and right about break-ups or divorce lawyers! I've been through that and I'm not doing it again, Derek."

"I'm not mentally challenged," he defended with his hand on his hips.

"I'm not so sure about that sometimes," Meredith snapped back as she pointed a finger at him. "I just—I have to go. I have surgery with Burke and I just can't deal with anything else right now. Fix Richard and just…I don't know! Go be the knight in shining whatever."

Meredith opened the door and stalked out into the hall. She didn't know why she was so mad at seeing the panties on the board. Something about seeing them…they just angered her. She wanted to hit something. Taking a deep breath, she walked towards the surgical floor and prayed that she could find Cristina. She just needed to be hardcore at that single moment. She needed to think about surgery and nothing else.

* * *

"So," Amelia said as she sat down on a bar stool in the kitchen. "I met someone."

Derek looked up at her with a frown. It wasn't the words he'd been expecting to hear. He'd been expecting Meredith to come home and explain why she was so angry about Stevens putting Torres' underwear on the board. A part of him suspected that it went deeper than just the underwear. A part of him suspected that Meredith had moved from depression to anger. She was angry about the loss of her child and going to see the OB/GYN hadn't given her the closure either of them had hoped for. Knowing Meredith, she wasn't satisfied with the simple answer that the miscarriage had happened just because it could. She had no concrete answer. No one could give her a concrete answer and that made her angry. Turning the heat down on pot sauce that he was making, Derek leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'll bite," he said slowly. "Who'd you meet?"

"This really nice, sweet guy," Amelia smiled. "I was at NA meeting a few days ago and I decided afterwards that I would get coffee with this girl from the meeting. Long story short, she ended up having to go do something important and I had the only extra seat in the coffee house available. This guy sat down and one thing led to another and now, I am getting dinner with him tonight."

"Really? Going on a date with a guy only after meeting him once?" Derek scoffed skeptically.

"Meredith dated you after meeting you once," she defended. "The guy…he's really nice. He just got out of the military and he's come home and he's…he's just looking for some normalcy. A date is normal. Plus, he's a surgeon, so he's smart."

Before either one of them could say something else, Meredith walked into the kitchen looking exhausted. She'd been in surgery for most of the day and he'd heard about the nightmare that it had been from one of the scrub nurses. Walking in tiredly, she dropped her tote bag down on the kitchen table before going to the wine cupboard. She grabbed a glass before pouring herself a very generous amount of red wine. Sitting down on the bar stool next to Amelia, Meredith put the bottle down and sipped the wine.

"I'm stealing your black shoes," Amelia announced to her. "The ones with the red soles…that pair…the one you really like."

Meredith didn't say anything, but she nodded. Amelia looked between Derek and Meredith a few times before slipping out of the kitchen. After watching his sister leave, Derek turned his gaze back to Meredith as she sat drinking wine…guzzling was a better word.

"I'm a horrible person," she said after a moment of silence as she looked at him. "I, uh, I haven't spoken to Addison…only once to beg her for a trans-vaginal ultrasound when I thought that I was pregnant. I haven't spoken to her and yet, if it had been my underwear on that board, she wouldn't have hesitated to take it down. I'm a horrible friend and every time I see her, I'm jealous and I'm angry. I'm her friend…we are friends and I can't be happy for her and the fact that she's having a baby. So, I am drinking because I am a horrible person, who is a crappy friend."

Derek leaned forward on the counter and softened his gaze at her. He understood how she felt. He'd felt that way sometimes himself when he saw happy families. He saw fathers playing with their children and happy families. He'd felt that same anger and jealous feeling when he'd been separated from Meredith. He'd felt that feeling plenty of times in those soul searching weeks that he'd been forced to spend examining himself and his part in their marriage when he'd been apart from her for most of the Fall.

He'd sat watching ferryboats go by on bench near the hospital during his breaks. He'd watched happy families have picnics in the afternoons and he'd felt that anger and jealously. That feeling like he'd been robbed of something that others got so easily. Watching those happy people had made him examine his own happiness. Having a baby in New York…it wouldn't have changed him. He still would have been the absent, workaholic husband and Meredith…she would have struggled. She would have drowned under the pressure of trying to be a good mother and a good intern with a husband who couldn't come home at night. It would have been too much for her in New York. She'd defend herself and say that she could do it all, but it wouldn't have changed the fact that she would have been crushed under the load. He wouldn't have even been able to see her sinking until she'd drowned. A baby wouldn't have changed anything and it scared him to think what may have happened to her.

In New York, everything had happened for a reason and even though it hurt, Derek had come to realize that maybe the universe was right sometimes. Meredith losing the baby…it was something that had to happen to bring them back together. Moving to Seattle, it was something that had to happen for him to see how badly he'd wrecked his marriage and to see how much pain Meredith was in. He'd taken a sledgehammer and swung at their life until there had been nothing left, but crumbling bits and pieces. He'd done it blindly and parts of it had been unintentional, but the point was that he'd still done it. In the end, Wyatt had been right. There was no room for him to be angry or jealous over others having the seemingly perfect life. Everyone had problems and things always happened the way that they were meant to happen. Nearly ruining everything with Meredith, it had forced him to see what really mattered in life. It had forced him to see that he was on the verge of losing the woman that he loved more than life itself. He'd been forced to accept that he'd had no one to blame, but himself. He'd caused her pain and he'd pushed her away when she'd needed him the most. When she'd needed love and comfort from him, he'd given her only silence and cold.

"You're not horrible," he told her softly as he reached for the phone. "You're not a bad person. I won't let you think that and I won't let you apologize for hurting. You're in pain and the only way to heal from pain is to push through until you've conquered it, Meredith. Call Addison. Talk to her about everything that happened at the doctor's appointment. She's lost pregnancies along with you. It doesn't have to be an hour conversation. Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes. Call and talk to her for fifteen minutes. You'll feel better."

Meredith didn't look convinced, but she took the phone. She slid off the stool and he watched her walk away. He watched the way her jeans hugged the curve of her hips and the way a few loose stands of hair brushed the back of her neck. Her clothing was looser on her, but he expected that. Fifteen pounds underweight on an already thin frame…Meredith looked tiny. She looked frail, stressed…she looked worried. Derek silently berated himself for the hundredth time.

How had he not seen it in New York?

Not for the first, Derek wondered if stress had caused her miscarriage. Stress had a way of doing things to the human body. Pushing that thought away, he reminded himself that the miscarriage had happened. Something had triggered it and once started, there had been no way to stop it. Even if he had been there, Derek doubted that he would have noticed something had been wrong until Meredith had been in serious pain. It had happened to them, the miscarriage had happened to the both of them. It hurt, but he knew that they could get through it. Grabbing the bottle of wine that she'd gotten out, he corked it and returned it to the wine cabinet. Too many drinks and they'd both regret it come the morning.

* * *

_April 23, 2006_

Sitting on the steps next to the O.R. board, Meredith looked up when Orion Rivers threw himself down on the step. His dark green scrub cap was still on his head like hers. He wore a gown as a coat too and Meredith wondered just what the hell he wanted. He wore a grin on his face unlike anything that she'd ever seen before and she knew whatever he was about to share would be good. The sour mood that she was having was instantly lifted when he spoke.

"You know, someday you are gonna be a bad ass attending. You'll have everyone afraid to approach you. All I keep hearing is how every resident and intern is afraid to approach Darth Vader after the little panties episode the other day," he said with pride in his voice as his accent thickened. "You are going to be a Goddess."

"What do you what?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"Nothing. Just to sit here with one of my many ex-lovers and enjoy this time we have…life is so precious."

"You're so full of shit," she scoffed.

"You know Jane Taylor? The OB/GYN attending that your friend, Addie, is buddy-buddy with."

"Yeah…why?"

"The woman is getting married in four months. No plans for a bachelorette party."

"Alright," Meredith said as she leaned forward and looked at him. "I'll bite. What are you going to tell me?"

"Luckily, there are still people in this world willing to stand up for what's right." Orion replied confidently, "This girl doesn't want a bachelorette party, but unless she wants her marriage to matter…Addison is throwing her one."

"Oh, this is gonna be good," Meredith replied with a chuckle. "What kind of twisted logic do you have for me today, Orion?"

"The poor woman is going to commit to that one special man for the rest of her life. It's a beautiful thing, darling. It really is. However, if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as the day before, well, the wedding is meaningless and she's just paid two hundred buck a pop for bottles of champagne for nothing. So, and I see no logical way around it, if that babe wants her wedding to mean something, she has to be a wanton, whoring, slutty chick the day before the wedding."

"Oh, my God…you're unbelievable."

"No, just realistic," Orion grinned.

"That's what you call that," Meredith laughed humorlessly. "Being realistic?"

"Addison seemed to agree," he baited.

"I'm actually having this conversation with you," she told him with an amused grin. "This shit isn't happening. Not in this lifetime."

"She was very interested in having a conversation with me."

"I'm ignoring you."

"If you wanted to ignore me, you'd get up and leave." Orion whispered seductively.

"I thought you said you weren't going to pull any crap. That you were here for just work," Meredith snapped as he grinned at her.

"We should go at it again…for old time's sake. Just once…"

"I like sex," Meredith told him bluntly. "I like hot, dirty, nasty sex. I really do, but I'm not having it with you. I don't want to. I'm married to a man who is much better in bed than you ever were."

Standing, she shook her head and moved away from Orion. She wondered how she'd ever come to idolize the man. How the hell had she ended up in his bed so many years ago? It seemed impossible to her that she'd had sex with him, and that she'd actual been attracted to him. She just couldn't understand her younger-self's rational for being with the British hunk.

"Where are you going?" Orion asked and she could hear the grin of satisfaction in his voice.

"Off to observe my husband's surgery," Meredith called over her shoulder. "He's cutting a guy's brain in half today and Burke has the day off…so, I am doing my stupid neuro hours now."

She could hear Orion's laughter as she walked away.

"Just so you know Grey, I called French!"

Meredith paused and swung around with narrowed eyes, "You did not."

"I did," Orion smiled. "Addison needed help and well, I offered. Expect a visit or a call…maybe both."

Groaning, Meredith walked away. French was not a past ghost that she wanted to deal with, not now.

* * *

Sitting on the stool in Derek's surgery, Meredith stared at the screen and tried not to let the past come up. She did her best to try and focus, but the thought of French festered. She'd met French as a confused eighteen year old. Orion had done so much twisting and warping that she'd…she'd become lost. French had been the saving grace that had yanked her out of her complex and destructive relationship with Orion. The woman had once been Orion's dominatrix and well, Meredith had easily become friends with the strong minded woman. Meeting her in New York, French had taken her in and had shown her a different world. A world where she didn't have to apologize for being herself and was encouraged to explore every things.

French had taught her to embrace every part of her mind, body, and spirit. Her mother had spent years taking a wrecking ball to her confidence and self esteem, but French had been different. The woman had built up those things and showed Meredith how to be independent. She'd shown Meredith that the only person that she needed to love and accept her was herself. It had been a revolutionary idea to a woman who had fallen into drugs, booze, and sex. French hadn't been able to stop the downward spiral that Meredith had found herself in before she'd met Derek, but French had been there when Meredith had needed support. French had been the one person that she'd been able to turn to when coming off the pills and drugs. She'd needed an anchor to get her through those first few weeks while dating Derek and it had been French that had played that pivotal role. Through French, Meredith had met Mark separately from Derek. French was friends with the man-whore and it had been an interesting relationship that existed between Mark and French. Hearing a creaking sound, Meredith spun around on the stool. Her focus was no longer on the surgery. Slowly getting to her feet, she looked at the equipment in the O.R. with narrowed eyes. She heard the creaking sound again. She wasn't crazy and all she needed was to know what caused it. Derek must have heard the noise to because he looked up and stopped what he was doing.

"Meredith?"

"I heard it," she said slowly as she looked over her shoulder at him. "Something…"

A noise that sounded like shuffling feet forced Meredith to whip her head around.

"Someone is here that shouldn't be," she finished as she looked around the O.R.

Looking at the crash cart that was in the corner, she walked slowly towards it. She could hear noise behind it and whoever was there was in a huge amount of trouble. Walking around the cart, Meredith wasn't prepared for the small body that ran into her and nearly knocked her down. Reaching for the little girl's arm, Meredith grabbed her.

"Let go of me!" the girl yelled and kicked Meredith hard. It surprised her and caught her off balance. Falling, she felt her elbow connect with the corner of the metal cabinet. A wash of pain flooded her body and lying on the floor, Meredith stared up at the bright lights for a moment before forcing herself to get up. The girl still stood there and holding a scalpel while pointing it at Meredith.

"I can't have surgery! My foster parents, they can't afford it!"

Slowly pushing herself up from the ground, Meredith felt a small trickle of blood come down her arm as she looked at the young, scared girl. She raised her hands slowly so that they were level with her ears.

"You're Megan," Meredith said calmly. "You've the one that's been hiding. You've been hiding in here. That's impressive that you got past all the scrub nurses."

The scars on her face proved that she was the little girl that everyone had been looking for.

"I don't want to hurt you," Meredith continued calmly. "No one here wants to hurt you, but can I have the scalpel back, please?"

"Why should I trust you?"

"Because I'm not going to hurt," she told the girl. "No one is going to hurt, Megan."

Alex walked in at that very moment with a mask on his face, "Megan. Thank God."

* * *

_April 24, 2006_

Seated next to each other, Meredith propped her head up on her fist as she stared at Richard and Adele from across the dinner table. All the two of them had done since arriving at dinner was bicker. She'd already given her knife to the waiter because Meredith wasn't certain that she could stop herself from stabbing Derek. When she'd told him to fix Richard, she hadn't meant dragging them all out to dinner to try and council Adele and Richard on their marriage. She and Derek were the last people to be offering up marriage advice. Their marriage had nearly flopped and spectacularly as well. Meredith had already sent a 9-1-1 and an S.O.S. to both Cristina and Mark, but neither had responded. She wanted out of the dinner and it was annoying her to no end. Staring down at the menu, Meredith craved a drink. She'd refused to get one out of respect to Richard and his recovery, but if he and Adele argued over one more thing, she'd drop her menu and find the waiter to give her a strong drink.

"All I want is for him to step down as Chief," Adele said quickly. "It's not so much to ask! It's time for you to retire, Richard!"

"Who is going to take over? Burke? He'll be too busy teaching Meredith and Cristina Yang in the next few years to deal with being Chief."

"You could make Derek the Chief of Surgery," Adele suggested as Meredith looked up with wide eyes.

"Adele—" Richard began, but Meredith cut him off.

"Can you excuse us?" she said hastily and nodded towards the hallway that led to the back. Derek understood her and followed willingly as they left Adele and Richard in a hissing match over whether or not the Chief would retire.

"The answer is no."

"It's a conversation worth having," Derek argued softly next to her as a waitress passed them.

"It's a bunch of paperwork with barely any operating time. Look at Richard," Meredith whispered to him as they both watched Adele and Richard continued to disagree. "All he does is sort out other people's crap and babysit. I'd give you a week tops before you came home saying you hated work. You hate paperwork and you hate solving other departmental problems, Derek. You dislike doing paper work as the Head of Neuro now."

"I do not complain," he said quietly and Meredith arched a brow at him.

"The paperwork load as the Chief? It's probably ten times what you do now, Derek. Let's be honest."

"Alright," he agreed as he put his hands in his pocket. "Fair point, but how often does someone get offered to be Chief of Surgery?"

"How often does someone get the chance to become a parent?" Meredith argued back. "Derek, I see the amount of time Richard works and I will not be a single parent in this relationship if we have kids in the future. We are not repeating or living through a second New York. We both know that if I had carried to term in New York that I would have essentially been a single mother with a nanny and husband who never came home because having a child would not have been enough to make you come home. We both know that and I'm scared that you'll get caught up in being Chief. Every year Richard fights to get that number one slot. Every year he fights to unseat Hopkins. He does it every year and look where he has ended up. Derek, you could so easily be him. So no, the answer is no. For the sake of our future and our family, the answer is no, Derek."

"That's not fair, Meredith. There has to be some compromise between us. You didn't compromise on Amelia. You basically are saying that I don't get a say," he snapped. "That's not fair."

"Derek, this isn't about making a compromise. I'm sorry if you don't like what I want, but I'm going to tell you how I feel because I didn't do that in New York and look where we ended up. So yes, I'm going to tell you that as your wife, I don't think that I want to have children with you if you become a workaholic again. I'm so afraid that if you take that job. Derek, I'm terrified that you'll become the Derek that I knew in New York," Meredith whispered. "I didn't do this before. You and I, we didn't make joint decisions and this is a joint decision. You just picked up the Brain Mapping Project in New York. You knew the hours and yet, you didn't say anything, you just did it. You decided that we were moving to Seattle and threatened me with divorce practically if I didn't come with you. I know that shouldn't bring up the past, but I'm sorry because I am trying to make a point. This isn't my life and it isn't your life. It's our life and I'm telling you that I cannot live with our life if you become the Chief, right now."

"You shouldn't bring up the past. It's dirty fighting. You're basically saying that it's either you or the job."

"We're not fighting. We're having a conversation and if you want the job, go take it. I'm not stopping you, Derek. I'm just telling you that I think that it is a horrible idea and the work load, Derek. How are we supposed to have a family and our kids have a dad that comes home every night if you're the Chief of Surgery?"

"We could find a balance," he argued. "It would take time, but we could do it."

"Tell me how that works because I just don't see that happening. I want us to be that stupid, ironic white picket fence family. I love you, I do. I know that this is a huge opportunity for you to turn down, but please, turn it down. We are just getting back to normal," Meredith told him softly. "Things are finally starting to feel like normal again. We're not ready for a move like this. We're not ready emotionally. We're not ready communication wise. We're not ready, Derek. Please, think about us just for a moment. I know that you want to be the Chief of Surgery. I know it's a goal of yours, but please, think of us and our future. We have so much happening now, Derek. You're so confident that I'm going to pass this Intern Exam and then I have an accelerated residency to go through. Derek, we're going to be tipping the boat with this residency and I don't want to drown because I don't know how to swim. I haven't learned that. You and I haven't learned how to swim if the boat tips over. Please, just think about everything and if you still want to be the Chief of Surgery. I won't stop you. I won't…we'll just…manage…somehow."

Derek kept his hands in his pockets as he watched Adele and Richard. Meredith could see the wheels turning in his head as he thought about everything that she'd said. She did feel guilty, but Wyatt had been right. She deserved a say in life altering decisions and Derek becoming the Chief of Surgery would be a major, life altering decision. It would alter everything and it worried her that the foundation that they'd laid down so far might not be able to handle the sudden shift. The last thing that she wanted was for everything they had worked so hard to get back, she couldn't bear to see it all fall apart again. She didn't want to return to the dark place that they'd both been in only six months ago.

"We're not ready," Derek finally said after a moment. He looked down at her and Meredith could see the understanding in his eyes.

"I feel like I've bullied you into this decision," she murmured. "I feel like I've manipulated you and coerced you."

"No, you're right. We're going to be going through your accelerated residency," Derek murmured back as another waitress passed them. "Going through that will hard enough as it is. You're right. Being Chief would be a bad move for us. It wouldn't help us and you are right. We're going to have a family soon and I can't be the father that I want to be and be the Chief of Surgery. Richard…all he does is work and I…I want a family to come home to. Those two things…they don't fit together right now. Look at Richard and Adele, I don't want that to become us."

Nodding, Meredith looked down at her feet and let out a shaky breath, "We'd never see each other and I don't want to go back to how things were in New York. That was worse than hell, Derek. Let's not gamble. Let's just...keep things the way they are and just…love our lives right now. Someday, you will make a very good Chief Shepherd…just not today. Just like someday I will be a mother…just not today…Wyatt said to talk about what we think we're capable of. Just one last time, after we capable of going through an accelerated residency coupled with you being Chief of Surgery? Are we?"

"No," Derek agreed. "We're not capable of doing that and putting our relationship at risk again…if things get too overwhelming…you're right. We don't gamble. We have to come first and I came first in New York…more than I ever should have. We have a decision and Meredith…yes, you did bully a little and you don't compromise, but you're right. We're not ready. Maybe later we can talk about a better way to have this conversation where we don't feel like one of us is playing the bad guy."

"I'm sorry," Meredith whispered. "I don't want you to feel like that. I say that we make it a rule not bring up the past when we are making decisions like this. I did throw the past at you and I'm sorry, Derek. That was wrong of me…I just…I'm scared of what's going to happen. These next few months…so much is going to change, Derek and I'm really…I'm terrified. All I can think about is everything falling apart and going wrong."

Meredith hadn't been expecting him to kiss her, but feeling of his lips pressed to hers was a welcomed feeling. For just a moment, she felt all her fears slip away. All the bad feelings and self-doubt faded and she kept her eyes closed even after he pulled away. She was trying to hold onto that feeling that he'd brought. The comforting and safe feeling that Derek flooded her with faded as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Fear returned, but it wasn't as strong.

"We don't run."

"We don't run," Meredith agreed softly as he cupped her neck and brushed his thumb against her cheek.

"It's alright to be fearful," Derek said with a half smile, "I'm a little nervous as well. We will go tell Richard our decision."

"Okay," Meredith replied tiredly. "We have to talk when we get home."

Derek was silent, but he nodded as he guided her back to their seats with his hand resting on the base of her spine. The warmth of his hand was welcoming and Meredith missed the warmth the moment that it was gone. Their physical disconnection only lasted for a moment before he reached for her hand under the table and squeezed her hand reassuringly. Richard and Adele both stopped arguing and looked at him expectantly.

"No," Derek said calmly as he looked at both Webbers. "Thank you for the offer Adele, but the answer is no."

"You haven't had any time to consider it!" Adele argued. "You didn't even think about it."

"Meredith and I plan to start a family soon after her residency," Derek said with a smile as he looked at her for a moment before looking back at Richard. "We want a family and work is enough as it stands. We're busy enough and Meredith is right. If I became Chief, I wouldn't be the kind of father that I want to be to our children. Plus, the stability of our relationship would be at risk with me being Chief and her accelerated residency at the same time. We wouldn't have any time for ourselves and I focused on my career while we lived in New York. It's time for me to let her focus on hers and maybe further down the line being Chief will work out, but right now, I can't accept the offer even if you made it, Richard. I'm sorry, but Meredith and I make decisions together. We had the conversation in the hallway and discussed the matter. Our decision is no. I'm sorry if you don't agree with us."

Richard looked triumphant and Adele looked disappointed. It was feeling that Meredith could relate to. She'd felt that overwhelming disappointment so many times in New York...

_Smiling, Meredith walked into Derek's office wearing nothing but a trench coat. He barely looked up when he'd heard the knock on the door, but she'd come in hoping that he'd be able to take some time away from his work. She'd come to see him because she needed him. They hadn't had sex in close to a month and she craved him like an addict craved their drug. Addison's advice had been to show up at his office in black lace. Having taken Addie's advice, Meredith had decided to skip her afternoon class. She didn't skip often, but her relationship with Derek was more important. She needed to feel close to him again. Meredith craved not only the physical connection, but the emotional connection. _

"_Miss me?" she asked with a teasing smile as she slipped into the room and closed the door behind her._

_Derek looked up briefly before looking down at the paperwork spread out on his desk. _

"_I'm sorry I didn't come home last night," he said. "Things got busy and it was late. I didn't want to wake you so I crashed in one of the on-call rooms."_

_Meredith wanted to say something, but all the adventurous spirit in her left as she watched him. He was so focused on his work that he hadn't even taken time to notice what she was wearing…or what she wasn't wearing…_

"_Aren't you missing class right now?" Derek added as he looked up at her. All the confidence that Meredith had built up left her like air leaving a balloon. She felt deflated and it hurt because she wanted him. A small voice in her head said that he was pulling away from her and it ached to know that maybe the small voice was right. Derek was pulling away from her and the truth hurt far more than Meredith thought it would. Before she could say anything, his pager went off. Derek looked down and read the message._

"_Damn it," he swore. "I have to go. I'll see you later."_

_Meredith felt him leave her and she wanted to cry. He hadn't even bothered to kiss her cheek or tell her that he'd see her later. All she got was a detached answer from an absent husband. Collapsing down into the chair behind his desk, Meredith bit her bottom lip. She knew that it would be considered illegal for her to access his computer, but the burning feeling inside her needed to know._

_She had to know…was he having an affair… _

_Was that why he was becoming distant? _

_Was there another woman in his life that was taking up his time on the side?_

_The thought made her heart ache in a way she'd never thought possible. Knowing that she needed a plan, Meredith jumped when Sloan sat down in one of the visitor chairs opposite Derek's chair and put his feet up on the desk. Mark looked bored as she sighed and propped her elbow up on the desk. _

"_What am I doing wrong, Mark?" she demanded tiredly. "I don't know what to do. He's ignoring me and I…I mean, I have done everything to gain his attention. For fuck's sake, I've waxed by pussy raw just to be ready at any given time if he so happens to want to have sex with me. I have no hair from my eyebrows down!" _

"_You doing the whole naked under the trench coat thing?" Mark asked with a raised brow._

"_Do you seriously know how uncomfortable it is to ride in a cab from my house to here practically naked?" _

"_No, I can't say I know how uncomfortable that is."_

"_Can you be honest with me for just a moment," Meredith begged tearfully. "Is he having an affair, Mark? Is Derek…is he cheating on me? I have to know."_

"_No," Mark said honestly. "He loves Meredith. He's just working overtime with this whole Brain Mapping Project. It's time consuming."_

"_I almost wish that you'd said yes because if he isn't cheating on me and he's ignoring me…that must mean that he…he's falling out of love with me or something," Meredith sighed as she stood up. "I'd almost rather him cheat on me than fall out of love with me."_

"_He loves you. I know that it has been hard, but he does love you, Meredith. Just…don't give up on him. He wouldn't cheat on you. It's not possible for him to ever cheat on you."_

_Not saying a word, Meredith left Derek's office feeling disappointed. She'd had such high hopes going into his office. It had been also as if she were a child on Christmas morning. That same anticipation that she'd felt as a five year old…before everything had changed. __Reality came crashing in and tugging up the collar of her trench coat, Meredith blinked back tears. She would not cry. She would not be weak. There was only one thing that she could do and that was to lower her expectations of Derek. By lowering her expectations, she limited the amount of hurt and disappointment he could inflict on her. If she didn't expect him to come home, she wouldn't be disappointed when he didn't show…_

Staring at Adele's disappointment, Meredith understood how Adele felt. She understood that pain unlike anyone else. She could relate to that pain, but she couldn't let herself go back there. Squeezing Derek's hand under the table, Meredith knew they'd made the right decision. Even though it felt like she hadn't really given Derek a chance and she wasn't willing to compromise with him, Meredith knew that they'd made the right decision. Going backwards wasn't an option and if it made her a difficult wife and person…if it made her unwilling to compromise or deal out ultimatums, Meredith would do it. She'd let Derek control their relationship for far too long. He'd always been ambitious and she'd been more than happy to let him do what he wanted, but it had gone too far. They'd both become passive in the almost collapse of everything that they had. In New York, Meredith would have let him take the position. She would have smiled, congratulated him, and she would has sat back silently as everything fell apart. It was what she'd always done in New York. She hadn't been an active participant in their relationship and that was partly why it had almost failed. She hadn't spoken up the way she had needed to and it had led to silence on both their ends. She loved Derek too much to risk losing what she'd built with him again. Their relationship was hundreds of times better what it had been in New York and she loved him, he was all she had. Derek Shepherd was it for her in this lifetime and she didn't want lose what she had with him.

* * *

"We have to talk," Meredith said as she stood in the doorway of Derek's home office. He looked up from the paperwork that he was going through and he frowned. He was already showered and dressed for bed, but he'd had to go over a few last minute details for his meeting in the morning with the different department heads.

"Is everything okay?"

Meredith walked into the office and stuck her hands in the back pockets of her pajama pants. She knew that she had to tell him. Being honest now would decrease any damage that happened later and Meredith wasn't sure what kind of damage would happen when French showed up. French was like a wrecking ball when it came to relationships and people around her. She slammed into them with not a care about what walls she knocked down. It was both a blessing and a curse.

"No…I, uh, I have problem and you're gonna be mad," she said slowly. "So, I'm telling now before this problem shows up at the hospital and you hate me for it."

Derek looked at her with a confused expression as he put a file that he'd been working on down.

"Addison is planning Jane Taylor bachelorette party," Meredith continued quickly.

"That's been well established," Derek frowned. "I heard that from the rumor mill this morning."

"I'm pretty sure that Mark is planning the bachelorette party with her."

"I'll pray for the poor woman," Derek grunted as he looked back down at the paperwork before him. "I'm still not following what the problem is. If Mark and Addie wanna plan a bachelorette party…well, let them have fun."

"He called an old friend of mine."

Derek's head jerked and he looked over at her with a mystified expression, "What?"

"You know that I've always been open minded," Meredith began slowly. "I wasn't expecting that Orion Rivers would give Addison the number of this old friend."

"Why do I have this feeling that this old friend is more than an old friend?"

"Don't be mad."

"Another ex-lover?" Derek exclaimed loudly as he leaned back in his office chair and looked up at the ceiling. "You have a very long list of men out there that you've slept with. Is this one from Europe too? Spanish or French? You've covered the British."

"She's from French Quarter in New Orleans," Meredith admitted. "I went through a girl phase before I met you and she…was…well she was kind of the cause of it."

"You slept with women?"

"Only a few," Meredith defended. "You're missing the point."

"How many is a few?" Derek demanded with an arched brow.

"Derek."

"Meredith."

Letting out a long sigh, she moved and collapsed down onto the couch that was against the far wall and stared at him tiredly.

"It doesn't matter, Derek."

"How long were you sleeping with women?"

"It was only a few months. Two months max…"

"How many women?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Oh, God," Derek groaned before standing up.

"Where are you going?" she called as he walked out of the office.

"I need a drink," Derek called back and she could hear him rummaging around in the kitchen. "I can't keep up with your secrets."

"It was never a secret," Meredith argued when Derek returned with his bottle of Scotch and a tumbler.

"You didn't tell me that you'd slept with women before you married me."

"I didn't think that it would ever come up. Besides, I married you in a Catholic church in front of all your Scottish and Irish relatives and half of them would probably have a heart attack if they knew anything about me, Derek. How the hell was I supposed to bring it up? Is there a guideline or format I could have followed for that conversation?"

He rubbed a hand over his eyes before shaking his head, "Why do I feel like there is no end to the secrets that you keep?"

"It was never a secret," she argued again. "You can't tell me that after everything that I told you before I married you that you didn't have any idea of what I'd been involved in, Derek. I never gave you specific details, but I never denied anything."

"I thought all the sex stuff with was a lot of guys," Derek defended as he rubbed his forehead. "You never mentioned women."

"Does it really matter? I don't understand what the problem is. For a summer, I experiment with women like most people do when they go off to college."

"I don't care that you slept with women," Derek groaned as he collapsed down onto the desk chair. "I just feel like I barely know you sometimes. You have so many secrets, Meredith. Things that you don't think to tell me. I feel like I barely know you and it frustrates the hell out of me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm really so sorry. I just…I don't know how to…"

Derek snorted and raised his tumbler to his lips, "You couldn't have taken the photos with the women? It had to be with a guy?"

His comment brought a smile to her lips and Meredith shook her head, "Would it have made the pictures an easier pill to swallow?"

"I would have kept those photos," Derek quipped with an amused grin. "Oh, I know that you call me McDreamy, but I'm just a guy at the end of the day."

"You're disgusting."

"And here I am thinking that the wildest thing I've ever done was having sex in the library with a girl in medical school."

"You had sex in a library?" Meredith asked looking horrified. "It's a sacred place of learning! That's like having sex in a church. I didn't know that I married a voyeur."

"How many women have you slept with?" Derek asked as he watched her closely.

"Does it matter?"

"It does if my wife has slept with more women than I have."

"I have you beat for sure on the man front," Meredith smiled.

"I'm not concerned about the men. How many women have you slept with?"

"Derek…" she laughed. "No, I can't do it."

"How many?"

"Six," Meredith admitted with a smile.

"Six? You slept with six women in how many months?"

"Like two...I was curious and you know me…I just had to explore it as much as I could before I decided that it just wasn't for me. I like men more than women. In fact, sex with women…it just wasn't as satisfying. I decided that I like being with men. Women…are just not my thing. Some people are into it, but I'm not really one of those people."

"No wonder you and Mark are friends…you and him have the hustle down," Derek chuckled before taking a sip of scotch.

"You're the one they call McDreamy," Meredith defended with a smile.

"My wife has slept with more women than I have. I need another drink," Derek said as he reached for the bottle of scotch. "I might need several drinks. What other sex secrets do you have since we're just plowing right though this?"

"I need tequila if we're going to have this conversation."

Standing, Meredith was in the door way when she heard Derek say her name. Turning, she looked at him and frowned when she saw the serious expression on his face.

"You know that I love you," he said in a serious tone. "I love you…despite all the dark and twisty secrets that you claim to have. I love you and the whole sleeping with women thing…Meredith, it doesn't change how I feel about you. I know that you're mother…I know that she judged you harshly and she…I'm not her, Meredith. You don't have to be afraid to tell me things. I know that it's not easy, but I do love you and it would take a whole hell of a lot of things to get me to stop loving you."

Meredith smiled at him as she leaned in the doorway, "You know something? The first time that you kissed me…I knew then and there that you were the one because kissing you…it's something that I've never experienced. It makes my heart feel light and it still does even now. Every kiss before you…every person…I don't think them anymore. I can't think about anyone but you. I know that I've…experiment and I haven't always been the most…respectable person, but I feel like all of that…sometimes it just shows me how lucky I am to have you, Derek. It shows me how lucky I am to have your love. I love you."

Derek smiled back at her, "I love you, too. Go get your tequila. I wanna know it all. Can we start with who the hell French is?"

"Why don't we start with the chick you did in the library during medical school? I'm curious about that. I want a name."

Derek laughed as she left the office. Meredith couldn't help the smile that came to her lips and she leaned against the doorway.

"Just so you know, I'm very adventurous," she smirked at him. "I came to your office one day to have sex with you and you didn't even look at what I was wearing. You just answered some page and asked me if I was supposed to be in class."

"What?" Derek said as he sat up straighter.

"Yeah, I showed up at your office wearing nothing but a trench coat, a black thong and nude stocking with black heels and you practically killed the mood and turned me down flat," Meredith told him with a grin. "I had to ask Mark if there was something wrong with me. I was convinced after that incident you were having an affair."

"Meredith…"

"We said we're being honest about everything…I just thought you should know that you missed the chance to have sex with me on your desk."

"No second chance?"

"I'm a respectable woman. I don't act like that."

Derek burst out laughing and Meredith walked back down the hallway to grab a bottle of tequila and a shot glass. If Derek wanted honest…she'd finally give him the honesty that he wanted.

"So," Derek said as she came back with her own poison. "Who is French?"

Sitting next to him on the couch, Meredith put her feet in his lamp and tipped back the Tequila.

"She's this woman that I met after I'd spent all that time in France with Orion," Meredith admitted. "She runs several male strip clubs in New York."

"Strip clubs?" Derek asked with a raised brow. "You hang out with strippers?"

"At one point," she grinned. "I told you, I'm adventurous and I…I don't have a category. I've never really felt like I fit in one mold. I'm many…and I think that's why Mark and I get along. We're many molds that don't have one fit. To be honest, French helped me get clean after I met you. She helped to stay away from the cocaine and she was my rock through therapy. She actually introduced me to Mark. She had no idea that I knew him through you. It was fun, but yes. Mark and I don't have molds and French, she was the first person to tell me that it's okay to be me. That I'm unique and special and I don't have to fit into any category."

"You're my perfect fit," Derek grinned as he grabbed her and tickled her.

"That's so dirty!" Meredith laughed as she tried to fight him off. "I can't believe I married you! Mercy!"

Derek laughed as she tried to get away from him. Laughing, Meredith felt lighter.

"What other secrets do you have for me?"

"Plenty," Meredith whispered. "It's going to be a long night."

"Okay," Derek agreed.

"Okay."

* * *

_April 28, 2006_

Derek tossed a bag of M&amp;M's at her and a bottle of Gatorade before he sat down in the seat next to her for the M&amp;M.

"Oh, isn't that cute," she teased as she ripped open the M&amp;Ms.

"I have been known to have a sense of humor from time to time," Derek grinned as she shook her head at him. Meredith wasn't thrilled to be missing out on time to study for the intern exam, but she'd smuggled something in to study. The auditorium was divided into two levels and she'd chosen to sit further back. A railing protected people from falling down the five foot drop that divided the two levels. Sitting back and easing herself into a comfortable position, Meredith opened the bottle of Gatorade and took a sip as Cristina quickly took the open seat next to her that Burke had saved.

"Okay, people," Webber said as he took the stage. "Let's begin. Patient 34968 died following a heart transplant. Doctor Burke will present."

"Isn't that…"

"Denny Duqette," Meredith murmured quietly as Addison slipped into the seat behind her next to Mark.

"Damn," Addison whispered. "I thought that Richard said he'd leave this out."

Mark fished a fifty out of his wallet and passed it to Meredith. She smiled as she accepted it and Derek looked amused.

"I gamble," Meredith mumbled to him. "Leave me alone."

"Just sit there and enjoy your snack," Derek quipped. "I don't want to know how much money you've lost to Mark over the years."

"She's won more than lost," Mark snorted behind them. "Who the hell do you think provided lunch money to her in medical school?"

Before anyone could say anything else, Alex jogged with a patient's file tucked under his arm. He easily spotted her and made his way over.

"I have something for you," he breathed hard. "Kid came into the E.R., third time with blisters. Looks like she's been burned, but the pediatric doctor thinks that it's flesh eating bacteria this time."

"Call CPS," Meredith whispered as she leaned forward. "Get the social worker. What the hell am I supposed to do about it?"

"I did that," Alex whispered back. "I don't think this kid is being abused. She denies it, the parents deny it. Everyone is denying it and I believe them. Plus, I don't think that it's flesh eating bacteria."

"Alex, call CPS."

"Did that," he snapped. "I thought that maybe you'd like to see the case. Kid presented with low-grade fever, mild anemia. They found gall stones last time and took out her gall bladder. That was a two days ago. Kid is back with blisters over her abdomen."

Meredith looked at him, "Get pictures. Get everything and I'll look."

"So, we agree that it's probably not flesh eating bacteria?"

"We agree on nothing," Meredith sighed as she took her keys out of her pocket. "In the back of my car, there's an old dermatology book. It has the name 'Shepherd' on the spine. Grab it."

Alex gave her the chart and went running. Sitting back, Meredith ignored Derek as he looked over at her.

"Fever, anemia, and gall stones all point to bacterial infection," he murmured as he looked over at her with a frown.

"Bacterial infection don't cause vesicular rashes like is described," Meredith replied as she showed him the chart.

"Give me that," Cristina whispered harshly as she yanked the chart over. Neither Meredith nor Derek said anything as Burke stepped up to the podium and cleared his throat. Cristina quickly began flipping through the chart with Meredith looking over her shoulder.

"Cause of Death was an embolus that dislodged from the suture line of the transplant. It caused a C.V.A. with brain stem herniation," Burke began as he looked out over the crowd.

"So the company line is that he died of a C.V.A.?" one doctor close to the front demanded.

"There's no company line. That's what he died of," Burke defended calmly. Hands went up again and Meredith ignored the crowd as she looked over the chart. Alex came jogging back in with the book and handed to Cristina a few minutes later.

"What do you think this is?" Cristina demanded.

"Some kind of allergy," Meredith mumbled. "It has to be."

"There's no history of allergies," Mark said from over her shoulder. "What are you thinking Grey?"

"I'm thinking that every time someone touches this kid, something goes wrong. Look at her history. You said that she had surgery?" Meredith whispered as she looked down at Alex.

"Yeah, gall bladder removed two days ago," Alex confirmed as a second doctor near the front cleared his throat.

"Uh, yes, let's get back to this, patient's need for an emergent transplant. You're saying that his left ventricle had been weakened by the LVAD malfunction?"

"His left ventricle weakened by the fact that he suffered from congestive heart failure."

"Oh, come on, Doctor Burke! We all know that the LVAD was cut by an intern."

Meredith looked up when she heard those words and Cristina stopped writing on the spare piece of paper that she'd pulled out. Not saying a word, Meredith bit her bottom lip as Derek rested his elbow on the chair arm and pressed two fingers to his temple. All eyes turned to look at the newest attending to join the Seattle Grace Surgical Team. The man was handsome with dark hair and light green eyes, but he was an arrogant prick. It was one thing for her not to like him, but when Meredith had found out that Derek didn't like Savoy…well, that's when she knew the man was bad news. Derek was probably one of the most tolerant people of assholes that she'd ever met.

"And this is where they crucify Bailey," Mark murmured behind Meredith. "Someone tell Savoy to sit down and shut up."

Meredith reached for the dermatology book and opened it as Cristina's gaze returned back to the charts. Neither woman wanted to sit and watch what happened next. They liked and respected Bailey, but there was nothing that they could do without making the situation worse and it annoyed the hell out of Meredith.

"Why aren't we hearing from Doctor Bailey?" Savoy demanded. "Wasn't she also a senior physician on this case?"

"I am the attending on record," Burke defended again calmly.

"Yes," Bailey said as she stood up. "I was the resident in charge."

Meredith looked up again as Bailey stood at the podium. The allergy section of the dermatology book was opened on her lap as she anxiously bit her lip. Derek uncapped her Gatorade and took a long sip of it before recapping it and letting out a long sigh. They both knew what was coming. Returning her gaze back to the book, Meredith shook her head.

"Doctor Burke has summarized the medical facts of this case," Bailey began slowly. "Are there any questions for me?"

Nearly every hand in the auditorium went up and Mark groaned behind them. "This isn't a crucifixion, Shepherd. This is a goddamned blood bath. Jesus."

Derek nodded as Savoy stood and cleared his throat, "You recently had a baby, Doctor Bailey?"

"Oh, hell no," Addison hissed behind them. "Tell me that he's not going _there_."

"Oh, he's going," Meredith murmured back as she stopped working again and looked up at Savoy with narrowed eyes. "Oh, he's going to the candy shop and stealing all the money out of the cash register."

"I don't see what that has to do with—"

"Sleep deprivation coupled with wild swings in hormone levels are two factors that could cloud anyone's judgment."

"I sleep just fine, Doctor Savoy," Bailey replied gracefully.

"Really? Because if a patient died due to my poor decision making, I'd probably lose a little sleep over it," the man said coolly as Meredith tilted her head in disbelief. Addison made a noise of disgust behind them and even Cristina looked offended at what Savoy was insinuating.

"Let me remind everyone," Webber said calmly as he stood up. "This is a forum to discuss patient care mistakes and to learn from them."

"Well," Savoy replied haughtily. "I haven't heard Doctor Bailey admit to making a mistake."

"Why the hell don't they just put a bullet in the back of her head?" Cristina asked in a hushed tone. "It would be more humane."

"You wanna know what is inhumane?" Addison hissed as she leaned forward. "What I'm going to do to Savoy after this little M&amp;M is done."

"Murder is still a capital offense," Meredith hissed back. "If you get caught, Addie…"

"It's an honor killing."

"Oh, well that makes it perfectly alright," Cristina snorted.

"So, for a few hours, your interns were running amok in the hospital. Totally unsupervised," Savoy snapped as he put his hands on his hips. "Where were you?"

"Not all my interns were working that night," Bailey said calmly. "Grey and Yang were both off. The E.R. was chaotic that night and Karev was in surgery with Doctor Montgomery-Sloan. I had a patient of my own and was in surgery also. I cannot account for Doctor Stevens or Doctor O'Malley's activities that night."

"Did you page both Stevens and O'Malley?"

"Yes, multiple times."

"Well, apparently, they thought it was okay to ignore your pages."

"Can I just say for the record how happy I am that I wasn't working that night?" Cristina whispered to her and Meredith nodded. She'd been at home having dirty sex with her husband when the whole thing had gone down. There was nothing in the world that would have stopped Izzie from cutting the LVAD wire. She'd let emotions cloud her judgment and it had cost her. It hadn't complete cost her everything, but the woman was on probation and was being monitored closely by all attending doctors. One more slip-up and Izzie was done…at least, that was what Mark had told Meredith and Cristina.

"Doctor, why do you think that your interns have such contempt for your authority?" Savoy challenged.

The whole room was silent and Meredith closed her eyes. This M&amp;M was from hell. All she wanted to do was escape to the darkness of the big pit she wished would open in the floor and suck her in. In the next moment, her eyes flashed open as she looked down at the chart.

Darkness.

"She's allergic to light," Meredith whispered to Cristina. "Her burn marks are in the same area from the surgery. There's scarring on her hands and fingers from the burns…she's allergic to light."

Not caring, Meredith hopped the railing and jumped down. Quickly, she went running from the auditorium before the surgical staff could maim a little girl.

* * *

"I heard that you caught a girl's allergy to light. Very rare," Mark said as he came to stand next to Meredith at the surgical board. "Good job."

"Thank you," Meredith smiled. "Apparently, I can still do a damn good job despite having a uterus."

"Can you believe that bastard? Calling Bailey out simply because she had a baby? Jesus!" Mark scoffed. "Are they going to do the same thing to Addie when she has our baby? She's like…what…a few weeks away?"

Meredith laughed, "I don't think that anyone will challenge her."

"Are you two done looking at the board?"

Hearing Savoy's voice, Meredith clenched her fists and turned around. Just hearing the man's voice was enough to make her blood boil. She'd never met someone so sexist in her entire life. Meredith knew plenty of women who busted their ass to be a good doctor and a good mother. To hear Savoy insult all those women who kicked ass to prove themselves, it made her furious.

"And if we aren't?" Mark snapped back as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Savoy looked annoyed and Mark looked ready to blow a gasket.

"What are you gonna do, Sloan?" Savoy taunted. "Gonna hit me?"

Before Meredith could stop him, Mark had punched Savoy in the face. The man was lying flat on the floor a moment later and looking up at an angry Mark whose fist was still clenched.

"Damn it to hell, Mark!" Meredith swore as she put herself between the two men, "You just had to hit him? Really? Christ!"

"He deserved it."

"Fine, he deserved it, but you didn't have to do it here!"

"Grey," Webber boomed from behind her. "You're suspended with Sloan for the next 48 hours. I can't have people fighting on my surgical floor."

Meredith whirled around and looked wide eyed at the Chief. Her mouth opened and closed like fish for several seconds until Mark turned around and looked at Webber.

"It will have been well worth it," he announced angrily before grabbing Meredith by the elbows and dragging her down the hallway.

"You're not going to appeal to that?"

"Nope, we needed an alibi."

"For what?" Meredith demanded as Mark hit the elevator button. "What the hell is going on?"

"I need your help for revenge."

"Jesus! Mark, we're not in high school," Meredith groaned as the elevator opened. Derek was leaned back against the bar and wore an amused expression on his face.

"There you are," he smiled. "Addie is looking for you, Mark. Something about making sure you don't kill Savoy…"

"Oh, we passed that," Meredith laughed humorlessly. "That train left the station! We're both suspended. Webber saw Mark punch Savoy and I was there. Now, both he and I are off for the next 48 hours because Webber has to defend his new investment! What the hell is so special about Savoy anyways?"

Derek's expression morphed from amused to confused, "Webber did what?"

"Suspended us," Meredith said with a slightly hysterical tone. "Richard Webber suspended me and we gave him and Adele a very nice box of chocolate for Christmas. I want that chocolate back!"

"Relax, Meredith," Mark sighed. "Just relax."

Meredith shook her head, "Why did you have to hit him, Mark?"

"He made Addison cry! She cried for an hour after the M&amp;M. I'm not gonna tolerate the crap that son of a bitch spews out of his mouth about women. He's only been here a few weeks and I'm prepared to kill him."

"Oh, my God," Meredith groaned. "Save me from the stupidity of men."

When the doors opened to the ground floor, two security guards were there to escort Mark and Meredith out of the building after they collected their belongings from their lockers. The whole process was humiliating and Meredith had never resented Richard more in her life than she did at that second. She'd simply put herself between Mark and Savoy to diffuse the situation. Walking out to her Mercedes, Meredith wasn't surprised when Mark pulled her towards his corvette.

"We've got Operation Candy Shop to begin," he mumbled. "Thank God that they don't put cameras in parking lots and Savoy has a vanity plate."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"We're gonna pay Savoy back. He wants to play dirty, we'll play dirty. He knew that I wanted to hit him and he just…"

Slipping into the front seat of Mark's black corvette, Meredith put her seat belt on and shook her head as Mark tore out of the parking lot.

"What are you gonna do?" she demanded.

"We're gonna need tampons, cranberry juice, gorilla glue and a horse dong."

His list was so ludicrous that Meredith burst out laughing. "What?"

"We're gonna get him back old school. He wants to fight dirty, we're gonna play dirty," Mark grinned.

"You do know that it's crime to vandalize someone's car."

"Not if you don't get caught."

"Oh, my God," Meredith groaned. "I can't believe that you and I are going to do this."

"That's the spirit, Grey! We're a team! Fight the power!"

* * *

Derek walked into the house looking exhausted. He collapsed down on bar stool and looked at her.

"All the female workers on the surgical floor heard about Savoy's comments at the M&amp;M about Bailey," he sighed. "Everyone is pissed. They all think that as men…we all believe what Savoy says. I haven't gotten so many dirty looks in such a long time."

"Do you? Do you think that because women have children and raise families that we are incapable of making objective decisions?" Meredith asked as she leaned forwards and rested her arms on counter.

"No, I think that it actually makes you better," he chuckled. "Mothers, they have a sixth sense that not everyone has and they can tell things that others can't. I don't know how, but they do. Savoy has dug himself a hole…no one wants to work with him. He has half the female staff ready to crucify him the moment Richard turns his back."

"Good," Meredith scoffed. "Someone needs to teach him a lesson."

"What did you do all day?"

Meredith shrugged, "Not much. Mark and I hung out here and watched The Terminator movies. I, uh, also did some shopping."

"You hate those movies," Derek said with an amused smile. "What did you really do?"

"I can't tell you because you become an accessory."

Shaking his head, Derek chuckled as he walked around the kitchen island. He pressed a kiss to her cheek before going to the refrigerator and grabbing a beer off the bottom shelf.

"At least Mark stocked up," he said as he took the cap off. "Whatever you're planning with him, do not get caught, Meredith. It's going to be a little hard to explain later to our kids why their mother has a rap sheet."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Meredith told him innocently. "Really, I have no clue."

"Okay," Derek called back as he walked to the living room. "Whatever you say…"

Meredith heard the TV turn on and the sounds of a baseball game floated to her ears. Smiling, she shook her head. Derek would never understand what she and Mark were planning. Quickly going out to the porch, Meredith grabbed what she'd gone shopping for and brought him back inside.

"Derek," she announced as she walked into the living room. "I have a new friend."

He looked up at her and frowned until he saw the puppy. Holding the small pug puppy in her arms, Meredith smiled at him as she sat down on the couch. The puppy had a dark face and dark ears, but a tan body with a curled tail. He was cute and Meredith had fallen in love with the abandoned puppy the moment she'd seen him in the cardboard box that he'd been abandoned in.

"This is Winston," she cooed at the puppy. "He's our new dog."

"You went and bought a puppy today?" Derek asked looking less than thrilled, "With Mark?"

"No, Mark and I found him at the drug store. He was left in some box. I took him to Finn Dandridge and Winston passed all this tests with flying colors. Didn't you, Winnie?"

"Winnie? You're calling him that?"

"It's a cute little nickname," she defended before kissing the puppy's head. "He's just adorable and I couldn't just leave him, Derek."

"I don't get a choice in this, do I?"

"No," Meredith smiled as she looked over at him. "Winnie is here to stay with us."

"No more strays," Derek murmured before kissing her. "Plus, I think I get to pick out the next dog."

"Deal," Meredith agreed as Winston gave a small bark in agreement and wagged his tail happily.

* * *

_May 1, 2006_

Walking into work, Meredith kept a straight face. She could already hear the buzz being generated by the sight of Savoy's car in the parking lot. Cristina had made sure that Savoy was asleep the night before in an on-call room when everything had gone down. Amelia had been the lookout driver and within ten minutes, Savoy's car was covered in tampons that had been dyed red with cranberry juice and gorilla glued onto the sides of his car. Mark had glued a horse dong to the hood of Savoy's car where the Mercedes hood jewel had been and Meredith had almost taken a picture of the plastic surgeon holding the dong in his hands. Addison would have probably gone into premature labor if she'd seen such a picture. Buying a cup of coffee, Meredith grinned to herself as she got into the elevator and hit the button to the second floor and walked out onto the catwalk where she easily spotted Cristina leaning against the railing looking exhausted.

"Haven't gone home?" Meredith asked curiously.

"I have to see what Savoy does," Cristina grinned. "I know that it's totally immature and all that crap, but I have to see him flip. Then and only then will I go home. You and Mark, you're both crazy.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Meredith sighed. "I slept like a baby last night. I was at home. Carolyn can vouch for me. So can Amelia."

Derek walked up to them with his own cup of coffee in his hand and wore an amused look on his face. He stopped and shook his head at Meredith and Cristina.

"So, Savoy's car…"

"I had nothing to do with this," Cristina said before walking away. Meredith took a sip of her sweet coffee and shrugged.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she frowned. "I was at home asleep all night. Carolyn can vouch for me. I did see Savoy's car though…that's too bad. Can't people just grow up?"

"I know," Derek said in an amused tone. "Taking a shot at the car, that's a low blow. That's like punching a guy between the legs."

"You know what's also low? Telling a woman that she can't do her job because she's a mother," Meredith added. "I just…I'm shocked that someone would do that to his car. It's really sad."

Derek shook his head, "I'm gonna be in for the ride of my life having children with you, aren't I? I should probably get a special ring tone just for their schools. I have a feeling I'm gonna be in parent-teacher conferences quite a bit once they're older. What'd you do with Winston?"

"I dropped him off at doggy daycare. What's to say that our kids won't be little angels?"

"They have you for a mother," Derek whispered in her ear before kissing her cheek. "We'll have beautiful babies, but they'll be hell raisers like you. I just have this feeling. Mark's idea, I'm guessing he's the brains behind the operation? That's why you went to the drug store…Winston was just an added bonus."

"Maybe, he might have mentioned something in passing. I have no idea," Meredith defended. "I was with Amy at home last night. Plus, I had to take care of Winnie. He was so freaked out last night by the thunder."

Derek chuckled again before shaking his head and hitting the button for the elevator.

"Do you know how many women Savoy has pissed off this week?"

"Any number of them could have done it," Meredith agreed. "There are no cameras in the parking lot and if it was dark…well, we'll never know who did it."

Derek shook his head and got on the elevator with her, "You know, there are more mature ways of handling things."

"I know," Meredith agreed. "I'm forewarning you now, Derek. I'm not raising weak children. I'm raising girls and boys that are going to be strong, independent individuals."

"Who knows how to get away with a crime," Derek added with a smirk. "I see where this is going. So, who's idea was it? You or Mark?"

"I plead the fifth," she said as she looked at him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know what says thank you like nothing else?"

"What am I thanking you for?"

"Agreeing to keep Winston," Derek murmured as he leaned down towards her.

"Okay," Meredith smiled. "What says thank you like nothing else?"

"Sex."

Meredith burst out laughing as the elevator dinged and the doors opened, "It's not happening. I'm not doing it with you in an exam room."

"It was worth a try," he called after her and she shook her head with a smile on her face. He was determined to get in into an exam room. It was his new goal and Meredith was almost a little excited to see if he'd make it happen.

* * *

**Response to Reviews: **

**Chicagonp2012: Thank you for the review! Glad that you loved the chapter! I'm sorry that Meredith didn't get the IV nutrients like you wanted, but you can bet that Derek will be taking care of her! More is on the way!**

**Anne0717: Thank you for the review! More is on the way!**

**Patsy: Meredith is in the clear! No hostile uterus of any kind here! Yes, Meredith is finally opening up and Derek is stepping up and realizing just how badly she's been hurting. It was good for everyone to cry last chapter. As for ghosts…we got one of Meredith's coming up and I think that we can all agree that Derek handled the ghost very well…**

**Meredith's outside connection to Mark has been revealed and who knew that it was through a male strip club owning Dominatrix?**

**As for Grace, it's the title of a song…**

**Thanks for the review! **

**Meredith1997: Thanks for the review! Updated!**

**Loverofgreys: Thanks for the review! Glad that you're loving the story! More is on the way!**

**Snv3: Yes, Derek has really improved! Thanks for the review! More is on the way with extra McDreamyness coming your way!**

**Noname: Thanks for the review! Glad to be able to ride with you to work! So happy that you love the story! More is on the way!:) **

**AiLing: Thanks for the review! Yes, he deserved a mother who loved him and it's probably one of the saddest episodes in my opinion. (I'm still in denial over Derek's death) However, Meredith and Derek are getting there! More is on the way!**

**C: Thank you for the review! More is on the way! So glad that you're enjoying the story! Thank you!**

**Susan: Thank you for the review! Yes, he and Meredith deserve some happiness and it will come to them soon! I promise! They'll get their baby! We just have to get through a few more…things…**

**More is on the way!**

**Williamsm98: So glad that you enjoyed the chapter! The roller coaster drop is coming and it's going to come hard…not this chapter or even next chapter, but it's coming and you know what they say about Hurricanes…they hit hard and fast…Thank you for the review! Addie and Meredith will get there! Promise!**

**Hanna K798: Thank you for the review! I haven't decided yet if I want to include Zola in the story or not. Part of me wants to because she's so cute and the other part of me wants to really give them their own children first. I think that Meredith and Derek will be setting up their own family first before they think about adoption, but you never know. More is on the way!**

**Greysanatomy123: Thanks for the review! McBaby will be here soon! Promise!**

**Mecawa: Thank you for the review! So happy to hear from you that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:) **

**Greysfannn: Thank you for the review! Yes, she's finally started to grieve and talk with Derek and did more of it this chapter! I think that they are beginning to build that trust back up and it's beginning to show in their relationship. **

**Juli: Thanks for the review! Yes, Derek is really trying to step up. I think that he knows that he's screwed up royally in New York and the first few months in Seattle and I think that he knows that he's out of second chance with Meredith. It's been such a journey with him as a character. It really has. More is on the way! No hostile uterus!**

**Guest#1: Thank you for the review! Yes, they are finally taking steps to heal. More is on the way!**

**Jenwa85: Thank you so much for the review! I'm so glad that you love the story and the chapters! It was truly intense chapter, but it really was the first step for them both! More is on the way!**

**Melanie: Thank you so much for your review! I'm so glad that you approve of Derek and Meredith! I was trying hard to get them just right and I'm glad that you liked them! You're so sweet and I always look forward to hearing what you have to say! Thank you!**

**Lourdi: Thank you! More is on the way!**

**RockinJ'RodeoRebel: Thanks for the review! Welcome! Glad you found us! I always leave a response, so feel free to drop a review! Happy that you're enjoying the story and that you like the balance! It was what I was aiming for and I'm glad that you approve! More is on the way!**

**Guest#2: Thanks for the review! Glad that you enjoyed it! More is on the way!**

**Japa01: Thanks for the review! Glad that you liked the chapter! Hope you enjoyed this one! I did a little bit of rearranging, but I couldn't leave out the M&amp;M. It just felt kind of right in this chapter…**

**Oulipo19: Thanks for the review! I'm so glad that you liked the chapter and approve! I do like seeing Meredith be both strong and vulnerable. She really did need to just break down and I think that it will help her in the long run. She's finally gotten the chance to really let her emotions out and feel them instead of burying them down. She's also let Derek in and even more so this chapter. I think in a way that Meredith has always held herself back from him a little for fear of judgment or not being the perfect person that he sees her, but I think that Derek loves her no matter what. He really does prove that this chapter by not flying off the handle bars at yet another part of her past coming to light. Her connection to Mark was finally revealed and unlike Orion, French was more of a positive influence in her life. More will be coming with French, but I think that with French, Meredith found relief from Ellis' oppression and really had a chance to figure out who she was as a person and explore herself in all outlets. More will be coming on the way with French. **

**Guest#3: Thanks for the review! Glad you like the writing and the story!:) **

**Anne: Thanks for the review! Meredith and Derek are totally getting better and it's so amazing to see them through this journey! More is on the way and yes, Derek will be taking good care of Meredith…**

**Guest#4: Thanks for the review! Glad you like the story ! **

**Pink Calalily: Thanks for the review! Glad you liked the chapter!:) **

**Kelley#1: Thanks for the review! Yes, big reveals came up and we have some new characters heading our way! More is on the way! **

**Kelley#2: I hope you drank enough for us all and enjoyed the beach:)**

**Tina: No bad news! So happy that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way! Thank you for the review!**

**Arden: No hostile uterus here! Thanks for the review! More is on the way!**

**Bri: Good news! Everything is normal and as it should be…sometimes, things just happen and we can't stop them. Meredith has no hostile uterus! Yey! Thanks for the review! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! **

**Guest#5: Thanks for the review! Glad that you're enjoying the story! More is on the way!:) **

**Candice: Yes, Izzie and George were kind of my stepping stone to Addison and Meredith…it never did work out…George-Izzie-Callie love triangle will come out again soon…I'm really having fun with it…Thanks for the review!**

**Cindy Lou: Thanks for the review! I've always hated how Shonda just brushed over the whole miscarriage thing in my mind. I really wish she'd developed it more! It had such great potential! Glad that you liked the chapter! Hope this chapter helped to clench your thirst! More is on the way!**

**Guest#6: Thank you for the review! I'm sad that they lost their baby, but hopefully this chapter made you happier! More is on the way!**

**Guest#7: Thank you for the review! Glad that you're loving the story:) **

* * *

**Preview** **of** _**I Know You**_**:**

"_She's my wife," Derek said softly. _

_It felt as if someone had speared Meredith in the chest. Nothing had ever compared to the pain she was feeling in that moment. Nothing Ellis had ever said created that pain that those three words from Derek's lips did. Addison had only been in town two weeks and so much had changed. _

_Had it only been two weeks ago that she'd planned on telling him she was a six weeks pregnant after getting dinner like he'd suggested? _

_Now, her baby had a heartbeat…Derek's heartbeat and a part of her was silently screaming at him for deciding to stay with Addison. The whole point of not telling him about the baby had been so he could make the decision on his own to stay with her. She hadn't wanted him staying with her out of obligation…she wanted him to be with her because he cared for her…she'd wanted him to stay with her because at some point in the last three months…she'd fallen in love with him. _

_She'd fallen in love with Derek Shepherd and he didn't want to be with her. _

_He wanted his wife…_

"_Okay," Meredith whispered shakily. "I won't stop you. I wish the best, Derek."_

"_Thank you," he murmured back."That means a lot to me. Thank you, Meredith."_

_Walking away from him, Meredith told herself that she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't give him that. She wouldn't let him see that he'd broken her. He'd taken her heart and smashed it. He'd smashed it into a million pieces and the only thing that was holding her together was the tiny life inside her…it was the only thing that she had to live for. For the first time, Meredith understood her mother. She understood how Ellis felt…she'd known about her mother's affair with the Chief since she'd turned sixteen and had found Ellis' journals. She'd never understood the pain her mother had been in, but she did now and it was excruciating. It was like Derek had cut her chest open and poured acid all over her heart. Hitting the down button for the elevator, Meredith waited a moment. When the doors open and revealed that it was empty, she stepped inside. Hitting a random button, she felt the elevator move and pulled the emergency stop. Leaning back against the wall, she let a shaky hand rest over her lower abdomen. _

_For a brief moment, Meredith considered termination. As quickly as the thought came…it faded. She had a piece of Derek to love. She might not be able to love him...but she could love his son or daughter. She could love…she wouldn't be Ellis. She wouldn't be her mother. The idea of raising a child alone terrified her, but Meredith knew she could do. There was no other choice. She could…she would do it without him… _

"_He didn't pick us," she said softly as she looked down at her hand. "I'll pick you though… always, I promise."_

* * *

**To be honest, I hate this chapter. I just feel like it's not my best work...IDK...****Thanks for the reviews and reading! I'm late in posting and figured that I'd give you guys the preview as an apology!**

**See you soon! **

**Leave a review and let me know what you think!**

**_EDITED 3/24/2017_**


	17. XVII: Crazy In Love

**Author's Note: **

**Hello! **

**I know, long time no see. **

**This chapter covers 3x04. **

**Thank you to everyone who checked in with me. I just want everyone to know that I have no intention of abandoning this story. I plan to finish it, but I am a nursing student first and I have studies that have to be done first. The last few months have been hectic, but I haven't forgotten all of you. Also, it's been difficult to write since the show came back on. I admit, I had to stop watching because it was just wrecking my ability to write. **

**Anyways, who is ready to be on the dangerous side a little bit with Meredith? **

**This chapter is a bit on the short side for what I normally write, but I hope that you enjoy it none the less and it doesn't disappoint! There is some very mature content at the end...**

* * *

**Chapter XVII**

"…_Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss__  
__Got me hoping you'll save me right now__  
__Looking so crazy in love's got me looking__  
__Got me looking so crazy in love_

_Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no__  
__Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no__  
__Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no__  
__Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no__…"_

"Crazy In Love (2014 Remix)" – Beyonce

_May 3, 2006_

Meredith stood in the middle of the shower and leaned against the tile wall. A pain had been growing in her lower abdomen since the night before and she felt feverish. She'd hoped that a goodnight of sleep before the intern exam would ease the discomfort, but nothing had seemed to help. Getting sick at the most in opportune times seemed to be something that she was good at. Hearing a knock on the glass door, she forced herself to stand up straight and slide the door open. Derek stood on the other side with a frown on his face.

"You've been in here for almost thirty minutes," he said. "Are you alright?"

"I think this whole intern exam thing is giving me an ulcer," Meredith moaned to him. "Just two days. The exam is over two freaking days and I can get through two freaking days."

"I made you breakfast."

The thought of breakfast made her stomach roll and if Meredith wasn't one-hundred percent certain that she wasn't pregnant, she would have suspected that she was. Closing the glass door to the bathroom, Meredith tried not to dry heave at the thought of eating something.

"You'll feel better," Derek called through the glass. "It's fruit and fiber. I doubt you're getting an ulcer. It's probably just nerves, Meredith. Something that is completely normal."

Meredith wasn't so sure. Turning off the water, she accepted the fluffy, white towel that Derek had handed her. She and Cristina had spent months studying for the exam. They'd gone through countless hours of practice tests and they'd challenged the other until they were blue in the face. Meredith still wasn't sure what she was feeling about the whole thing. Going to the medicine cabinet, she rummaged through the thing until she turned and looked at Derek.

"We have no pepto? No pink bottle of magic?"

"You're not getting an ulcer," Derek insisted. "You're fine, Meredith."

"Tell that to my stomach and head," she groaned as she reached for a bottle of Motrin. "Is it hot in here or is it me?"

"It's you," he said as she popped four pills in her mouth and swallowed them dry. "Breakfast is ready down stairs."

Watching Derek go, Meredith reached for her cell phone and sent a quick text message to Mark. He'd know exactly what she needed. He'd gotten her through her medical school exams before. He'd been her rock and he'd know exactly how to get her through her intern exam. Letting out a groan, Meredith quickly went to their bedroom and changed.

She didn't want to be late.

* * *

Mark stood at the nurse's station with a box of Twinkies and a small silver flask.

"Tequila and Twinkies," he announced with a smile. "It'll get you through the day."

"I love you so much," Meredith said tiredly. "Derek made me grilled chicken salad and I love that he did that…I just need the sugar rush before going in. Did you get the other thing?"

Mark held up the pink bottle of Pepto that she'd wanted all morning. Grabbing it and uncapping it, Meredith drowned half the bottle and let out a small hiccup after swallowing.

"Jesus, Grey," Mark grunted as he looked at her with a raised brow. "Are you trying to poison yourself?"

"I think this whole thing is giving me an ulcer," Meredith moaned as she rubbed her stomach. "Uh, nothing is ever easy, is it?"

Cristina showed up looking calm and collected in relaxed clothes. Her hair was pulled back and she wore a look of confidence on her face.

"Ready?"

"Let's just get this over with," Meredith groaned. "I seriously just want to go home and sleep. I feel like I have a fever."

"You do look like crap," Cristina observed.

"You'll do great," Mark reassured Meredith before kissing her cheek. "Kick ass, both of you. Make this dirty mistress proud. I've got a surgery to get to."

Letting out a deep sigh, Meredith grabbed her bag and followed Cristina to the testing room. She could do it. Everything was a frame of mind and she was in the frame of mind to pass.

* * *

The first day of exams had been brutal. Words were unable to describe the situation and Meredith hadn't even wanted to come back for the second day. She'd spent most of the night tossing and turning. At some point during the night, Derek had gone to sleep on the futon in his home office. He'd woken her up a little past six and the persistent abdominal pain that she'd been having had intensified overnight. Derek had said very little to her before leaving for an early morning procedure. He'd kissed her cheek and wished her luck, but Meredith wasn't feeling lucky. If there was one consolation to be had, the second day of the exam hadn't been as brutal as the first. However, it had ranked up near the top of the shitty-things-in-life list. Still hurting, Meredith stood at the nurse's station next to Cristina. All she had to do was make it through the next few hours and she'd have a seventeen day vacation from the hospital until she got the results of her exam. Cristina and Burke had already booked to go on a vacation together to Hawaii and Meredith was envious of them. She and Derek had never been on a honeymoon and she didn't consider the few days that they'd gone on vacation as a honeymoon. To her, it meant that Derek wouldn't consult on anything like he had on other vacations. Standing with Cristina, Meredith nearly jumped when Derek appeared beside her with a frown on his handsome face. He rested a hand on her back and his cool hand was welcomed against her burning flesh.

"Don't say anything," she said quickly as if reading his thoughts.

"You look exhausted," Derek replied ignoring her request.

"Really, I'm fine," Meredith told him, but he didn't look convinced.

"You look beautiful, but you don't look fine," Derek said and Meredith took a sip of the water that she'd gotten after the completion of their exam.

"I'm gonna throw up from all the McDreamy crap," Cristina snarked without looking at them. Derek ignored Cristina and kept his gaze solely on her as he ran his hand up and down her back.

"I saw the surgical board. You have an aneurysm to clip. Go. I'm gonna scrub in with Mark on a cleft palate," Meredith said tiredly. "I'm fine, really."

"Go home," Derek told her softly. "You took the exam. Get some rest. You look like you could use a long nap."

"I already promised Mark, Derek. I can't back out. Go."

He looked at her long and hard for a moment before sighing and running his fingers through his hair.

"You're gonna be alright?"

"I'm fine," Meredith reassured him. "Go."

"Will you look after her, please?" Derek asked as he peered around Meredith at Cristina.

"Mm-hmm," Cristina nodded with a smile as she watched Burke and Sloan bicker about something across the nurse's station. Derek walked away quickly and Meredith arched an eyebrow at the sight of Sloan and Burke bickering.

"You think I'd miss this?" Cristina grinned. "He's in territorial mode and I love it."

Before Meredith could reply, O'Malley was behind her and demanding to know what kind of idiot lit a cigarette in a hospital.

"What am I missing?" Meredith demanded as Cristina shooed 'Bambi' away.

"While you both were in your exam, some idiot lit a cigarette while on oxygen," Addison explained as she walked up to the nurse's station, heavily pregnant and looking annoyed. "Mark was in such a good mood this morning too."

"So that's what happened?"

"In a nutshell," Addie continued. "Now Burke and Mark are having a pissing contest over who is primary surgeon."

"I'm not getting the cleft palate," Meredith groaned as a wave of pain struck.

"Nope," Addie announced as she popped the 'p'. Meredith felt a surge of nausea and divided for the trashcan, nearly pushing Cristina out of the way.

"Holy crap!" Cristina exclaimed as Meredith held her hair back. "Are you pregnant?"

Burke and Sloan looked away from their debate for a moment before resuming their fight as Addison glowered at Cristina. Meredith closed her eyes and felt dizzy for a moment. There was no way she was able to do the surgery that Sloan had wanted to do and by the looks of it, surgery hadn't even been on Mark's mind. Cristina pushed her into a standing position and practically pulled her into an empty exam room as Addison followed with an ultrasound machine. Lying down on the hard exam table, Meredith closed her eyes and rested a hand on her burning forehead.

"I'm not pregnant," she insisted as Addison pushed up the scrub top.

"Have you told McDreamy?" Cristina asked with a smirk.

"I'm not pregnant," Meredith snapped.

"Really? The abdominal pain, fever, non-stop vomiting—"

"I'm not pregnant," Meredith snapped again as Addison put cold gel on her lower abdomen.

"She's not pregnant," Addison announced as she turned the screen to face them. The IUD was still placed exactly where it was supposed to be and there were no signs of an ectopic pregnancy. "We should run more tests."

"In that case, can I have morphine," Meredith groaned as Bailey walked in. "Please, just give me some morphine."

Addison agreed to the morphine and wiped the gel off of Meredith stomach, "I've got a pregnant woman who doesn't want a c-section to attend to with Karev. Bailey, can you handle this?"

Bailey arched a brow and Addison shook her head, "You've never seen Derek over Meredith when something is wrong. He gets like a bulldog with a bone."

"I can do it. Yang, you're off the case because you aren't even supposed to be here. You're supposed to have left after your exam," Bailey snapped.

"I can sit with her," Cristina insisted. "I'm already packed for Hawaii."

Bailey stared at her for a moment before nodding. Addison's pager went off and she swore loudly. Leaving the room in a rush, Meredith watched the red head flee before letting her head rest back down on the exam room table.

* * *

The morphine was doing its job. Meredith was certain of that because she was flying as high as a kite. Derek had come to her bedside cleanly shaven and dressed in his street clothing and Cristina had long since gone home. Nice pants with a white dress shirt and a v-neck sweater that she'd gotten on sale for him after Christmas two years before was what he wore. He looked relieve to see her and smiled as he bent down and kissed her temple.

"You're still warm," he murmured with some concern.

"I have a fever," she replied with a stupid grin on her face that was an effect of the drugs.

"I know. Well, let's see…your complexion is flushed, abdominal wall is tender. Are you happy you have a husband who works in a hospital and can get you a private room and all?" Derek asked with a teasing smile.

"Mm-hmm," Meredith smiled as she hit the button for more morphine. "You happen to be my favorite man."

"Thank you for that," Derek grinned as he bent down and lightly kissed her lips. A throat cleared behind them and Derek stood up right. Bailey stood in the door way with O'Malley looking highly annoyed.

"Doctor Shepherd," she said with a nod.

"Doctor Bailey," he returned. "Are they ready for her?"

"They are," Bailey confirmed. "O'Malley will be completing the procedure today and I will be guiding him."

Derek's face lost the relief that had been on it and he frowned, "What?"

"No," Meredith nearly shouted from behind him. "The last time George did an appy the guy nearly died. I don't want to nearly die just having an appy. Derek, don't let him touch me. I will scream!"

Meredith looked frantically distressed and Derek quickly turned. He lowered one of the side rails and sat down on the edge of the bed. He murmured comforting words to her as she frantically shook her head no. The shaking made the nausea that she was feeling much worse and in combination with the drugs, Meredith felt sick. She had barely been able to reach for the plastic bag before she vomited. Derek hit the call button for the nurse and narrowed his eyes dangerous at Bailey.

"An intern is not performing surgery on my wife," he snapped. "Get Webber up here, now."

"Shepherd—"

"Don't try me, Bailey. Meredith will have a board certified surgeon doing her procedure. I'm not letting an intern cut into her."

Bailey looked like she wanted to fight, but nodded after a moment, "I'll go get the Chief."

Derek's gentle hand running up and down her arm in combination with the drugs seemed to lull her to sleep. Meredith woke when she heard the Chief's deep voice. He was speaking with Derek and they seemed to be in agreement about something, but she could hear the displeasure in Derek's voice.

"Derek?" she murmured tiredly as she hit the morphine button again. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," he assured her softly. "Richard has agreed to do your surgery and Bailey will be the only resident to assist. O'Malley will observe."

"Who else will be in the O.R.?" Meredith asked as she slurred her words and blinked her eyes as she tried to stay away.

"No one else but a scrub nurse and an anesthesiologist," Derek murmured as he reached out and held her hand. "Richard and I want to provide you with as much privacy as possible."

"Gossip does seem to spread like wildfire around here," Richard said in agreement. "It'll be done and over with quick, Meredith. You'll be back here before you know it."

"You'll be waiting?" Meredith asked softly as she looked tiredly at Derek.

"I promise," he said before kissing her cheek.

George appeared in the doorway and knocked loudly. The sound interrupted Meredith's train of thought and she turned to scowl at the noise. George shuffled in and looked at the gathered group before swallowing hard.

"I'm here to take Meredith down," he announced.

"Mrs. Shepherd," Derek corrected instantly. "My wife's title is Mrs. Shepherd. She's not a friend or fellow intern of yours right now, she's a patient. She's my wife and you'll call her by her title until you're given permission to call her by her first name, Doctor O'Malley."

"Y-Y-Yes, sir."

"On the table keep me draped," Meredith told George. "Too many people have seen me naked in this lifetime. I'd like to keep what little dignity I have left."

George nodded and within a few minutes, Meredith had fallen back to sleep as George pushed her down for her surgery.

* * *

_May 16, 2006_

There was only one good thing about being on vacation, Meredith had decided.

She could do what she wanted and when she wanted.

Mark and Addison had finally bought a house and the chief occupation of her days had become helping Carolyn and Addison set up for the baby. It was exciting to know that they'd have another baby in the family soon. Mark was insisting that the baby would be a boy, while Addie was confident that it was a girl. They both wanted to be surprised and Meredith couldn't blame them. It was much more fun to be surprised than to know ahead of time. According to Addison's doctor, everything with Baby Sloan was perfect and everyone couldn't be happier. The only rain cloud on her otherwise sunny days was Derek. Ever since her surgery he'd been hesitant to have sex with her. She'd waxed, plucked, and groomed her body to perfection. It was Derek's day off and she'd been desperate to have sex with him before she had to return to work because once she returned, the odds of her actually having good sex instead of quickie dropped dramatically. However, Richard had called Derek early in the morning and just as Meredith was close to forgiving Richard for unfairly suspending her, her resent towards him grew again.

A rich Saudi Prince had arrived at the hospital demanding that Derek remove the brain tumor in his head the very same day. Attached was a five hundred million dollar donation and Derek was unable to say no. He'd gone flying out the door and despite her protests, Derek had ignored her, kissed her check and promised to be home later. Amelia was off with her secret beau and Caroline had gone to her afternoon book club leaving Meredith alone. Seated on the couch trying desperately to focus on_ Anna Karenina_, Meredith jumped when she heard the door bell ring.

Winston raised his head for a second before resting it back down on his pillow.

"I'll be right back," Meredith murmured to the pug before pulling herself up from the couch and walking to the foyer. Looking through the glass, she froze.

Addison was standing there with a grin on her face and next to her was a woman that she hadn't seen in a very long time.

"Fuck," Meredith murmured as she went to the door and opened it. Addison walked in and was followed by a short, petite woman with dark hair and a single ear piercing. Dark eyes accentuated her Native American complexion and Meredith wanted to wince. She hadn't expect the person before to come to New York anytime soon.

"You look like hell, Meredith Grey," French said in an airy voice as she waved her hand. "It's about damn time that you and I came face to face. Why the hell haven't you returned any one of my damn phone calls?"

"French—"

"I don't wanna hear it," French snapped and waved her hand in the air. "You best grab your shit. We have work to do. Jane Taylor is getting married in a few months and we are gonna throw her a bachelorette party to remember! I brought the boys with me from the Big Apple and I plan to make this an event that no one on the west coast will ever forget!"

Addison grinned, "Come on, it'll be fun."

Groaning, Meredith reached for her shoes near the door and slipped the ballet flats on. She knew that there was no point in arguing. French always got her way and what French wanted, French got. Grabbing her bag, Meredith watched French grin as Addison stepped out of the house first. Locking the door behind her, Meredith saw the Hummer Limo that French had and barely stopped her jaw from dropping.

"Is it really necessary?" she asked.

"Who cares," Addie laughed. "This is going to be a fun afternoon. Don't ruin this for me, Grey."

Sighing, Meredith let herself be dragged off to the limo. The inside was black leather and she kept her lips closed as she sipped on expensive champagne. Addison and French spoke animatedly about the bachelorette party as they drove across Seattle. Barely paying attention to her surroundings, Meredith wasn't really surprised when the Limo pulled up outside the Archfield. It was after all one of the best hotels in Seattle and French didn't do anything that wasn't the best. Slipping outside of the limo, she followed the familiar path to the elevators and wasn't surprised when French's security guard pulled out a key for the penthouse suite and unlocked the button. He pressed it and Meredith sagged back against the walls as she thought about Derek. She knew that she was being pathetic and acting like a sappy love-stricken teenager, but she wanted him. The penthouse was elaborately decorated, but Meredith barely paid any attention. She listened as music was turned on, food was served and one by one, attractive male strippers came out and auditioned for being a part of Jane Taylor's bachelorette party.

Each handsome stripper that was paraded in front of her only reminded her of the very fact that she wasn't getting any good feelings at home. Derek was banging the hell out of her. No, he was treating her like glass and inside, Meredith was beginning to feel like a firework of emotion that would go off at anyone second without warning. God, she wanted him. She wanted Derek and she wanted him badly. It had officially gone from craving his touch, to obsessing over when he would touch her. There was an ache developing between her thighs that rivaled anything she'd ever felt before. If she'd thought the sex deprivation that she'd been experiencing before her reconciliation with Derek had been awful, it seemed a dream to what she was feeling now. Her body literally ached for his touch. As if knowing what she was thinking about, French grabbed the remote for the music system and turned off the sexy music that had been playing. The attractive young man that had been dancing provocatively stopped and left the room. Addison groaned as French leaned back into her seat and narrowed her eyes at Meredith.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked with an arched brow. "He used to be your favorite!"

"Who?" Meredith replied stupidly.

"The hot piece of ass that was just dancing," Addison exclaimed. "You ruined it!"

"What's goin' on between you and your man?"

"Nothing," Meredith defended quickly. "There are no problems between Derek and I."

Looking from Addison to French, Meredith could read the skeptical looks both wore. Sighing and sagging back into the seat, Meredith covered her face with her hands for a moment before uncovering her face and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Ever since I had surgery, Derek has been treating me like glass. Like I'm fragile and anything more than a kiss will break me," she finally confessed. "That's what's wrong and this whole bachelorette planning isn't really helping me."

"Oh, Meri," Addison said softly as French turned the music back on and a new male dancer came out. "I'm sorry. Why didn't you say anything?"

Before Meredith could say anything, French interrupted.

"I mean hell," she snapped. "If it's such a damn problem, why aren't you taking care of business down there? Who says you need a man to please yourself. Sweetie, no one knows what you like better than you. I taught you that. I know I did."

Meredith looked heavenward and was silent as Addison giggled. She wasn't having this conversation. It wasn't happening. She refused to say anything. Beside her, Addison giggled harder as the male entertainer that French had brought with her from New York struck a pose in nothing more than a black thong and moved his hips sensually.

"Oh, don't you act like you don't know what I'm talking about," French continued loudly over the music. "I didn't raise you to be some grown ass woman that simply lays back and lets a man do all the work. What the fuck are you doing with this man in bed, Grey? I raised you to be a grown ass woman that takes care of her own business and when she has needs, she fulfills those needs and she doesn't let some stupid thing like a man get in the middle of taking care of her sexual being! That's why you look like hell. It's been how long since you had some good-goddamned sex?"

"We're not here to talk about my sex life," Meredith responded with a frown. "We're talking about planning a bachelorette party."

"We can talk about that after we've discussed your cookie because you're aura is so screwed up that it isn't even funny. It's like your sex aura is all dark and stormy and honey, we can't be planning a bachelorette party without talking about that black goddamned cloud that's hanging over our heads. I can feel you're black aura through the mother fuckin' air!"

"Oh my God," Meredith groaned as Addison burst out laughing. "Please, stop."

"I can say pussy instead of cookie," French snapped in a thick southern accent. "Does that make you feel better? Grey, you have a black aura surrounding your pussy. Does that make you feel better?"

Meredith gave a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of her neck, "Some things don't change. You have a way with words."

"Where the hell is your husband at anyways?"

"Operating on some Saudi prince who donated five-hundred million dollars to the hospital…"

"Operating? What the hell! You let a grown ass man go and work while you have a black aura surrounding your pussy? Goddamn it, Grey. I should beat the hell out of your ass."

"Let's do the bachelorette party then you beat me then," Meredith snapped back.

"Fine," French agreed as she stood. "First, we will be having a trip to the grocery store."

* * *

As much as she didn't want to admit it, French had been right.

Biting her bottom lip, Meredith sat in the dining room waiting for Derek to get home. He'd called saying that he was heading home from his successful surgery. It was time to get back on the horse. Derek had treated her like glass since her surgery and it couldn't go on anymore. God, she didn't want to make love with him.

She wanted to screw him.

She wanted to fuck him.

Fast…hot…dirty… sex…

She wanted the kind of sex that made it difficult to walk in the morning and she wanted it now. Staring at the bottle of tequila, the chocolate fudge, two of Derek's ties, and a small bottle of baby oil, Meredith grinned as she set her pager down next to the objects. Oh, she was going to enjoy herself. She was going to show Derek just how wild and fun she could be if he let her. Hearing the door open, she stood up and leaned in the dining room door way. She could hear him moving around. A bag fell on the floor and she wondered just what he was doing. Wearing only black thigh-high stockings, a black thong, and one of his dress shirts, Meredith smirked. She'd left the dress shirt unbuttoned and was sure that Derek would be like putty in her hands. All she had to do was get out the black lace and he was hers. Derek called her name as he came through the kitchen, but he dropped his bag and keys when he saw her leaning on the wall in the entryway to the dining room. He stared at her and she saw how his blue eyes darkened. Desire was written all over his face and Meredith couldn't stop the lazy, sexy smile that came to her lips.

"How was your surgery?" she asked in a breathy voice.

Derek didn't say anything, but he walked towards her. Stepping back until she felt the dining room table behind her, Meredith smiled when she felt Derek's arms wrap around her waist and his lowered his head to kiss her. It was a hot kiss that made her toes curl and it left her begging for more. He kissed her and in one swift move, he lifted her up onto the dining room table. Pressing her hand to his chest, Meredith smirked as she broke her lips away from his.

"Do you trust me?" Meredith breathed against his ear. "I can take you to heights of pleasure that you've never been, but you have to trust me."

Derek only nodded and Meredith pushed him away from her, "Lay on the table. I wanna be on top. Don't get undressed."

He arched an eyebrow at her before complying with her demands. Touching the silk ties that she'd brought downstairs, Meredith moved to stand at the head of the table where Derek was and gently raised his hands above his head. Tying his hands above his head to the dining room table, Meredith bit her bottom lip as she grabbed the sleep mask to cover his eyes.

"Trust me," she smiled. "This will be fun."

Covering Derek's eyes, she watched as his chest rose and fell just a little fast. Moving quietly like a cat, Meredith paused before loudly pushing a chair out from under the table and getting on the table. She moved to straddle him. Smiling, Meredith knew that his other senses were trying to replace the deficit that had been created by robbing him of sight.

"Relax," she breathed against his ear lobe before taking it between her teeth and teasing him. "This will be fun."

Reaching for the buttons on his dress shirt, Meredith slowly undid them and revealed his smooth tanned skin. Pushing the sides of the shirt away, she exposed his chest and leaned over him. Strands of her hair fell against his chest and his breath hitched. His head jerked and she knew what he was searching for. Letting her lips hover over his, she kept herself just out of his reach as he lifted his head. Straightening up, Meredith took out the large clip that had held most of her hair back and shook her hair out. Dropping the clip, she smiled when his body jerked in surprise at the loud noise.

Leaning back over him, she pressed a hard kiss to his lips and ground her hips against his. Derek groaned against her lips before she pulled away. His chest rose and fell heavily as she reached for one of the shots tequila. Holding the shot over his chest, she poured a small about over his nipple. Leaning over, she licked the liquor off him and smirked as she heard his groan. Teasing him with her teeth, Meredith pour the rest of the shot on his other nipple and repeated the action.

"God, Meredith," he groaned at the sensation.

Derek's head jerked as he lay helplessly on the table. He couldn't touch her. There was nothing for him to do, but lay back and let her control the pace that she picked. Reaching for the small bowel of heated chocolate fudge, Meredith dipped two fingers into the fudge. From the base of his throat, she ran her fingers down the center of his chest and abdomen before leaning down and licking the line of fudge. Her lips moved up his chest and watching him, Meredith saw him clench his fist and hold onto the ties for dear life. She could feel his hard shaft straining against his jeans against her thigh and knew that she had him exactly where she wanted.

Spreading kisses over his chest and licking away the fudge, Meredith smiled feeling his hips bucking against her body. He needed the friction and he was getting desperate. Reaching for button of his jeans, she popped it easily and slid the zipper down at an agonizingly slow pace. He groaned again and flipping her hair so that it would be against his chest, Meredith dipped her tongue into his navel as she reached for another shot of tequila. Pouring it over his abdomen and his navel, she licked and sucked the tequila off his skin as his hips jerked again. Taking off his dress shirt, Meredith pushed it above his head and let her hands rest against his body as she ground her hips against his hardness. Derek moaned loudly at the sensation of her core grinding against him and sensation that their clothing caused. Not stopping, Meredith let her head fall back and gasped at the feeling of their bodies. Her body felt like every nerve ending was alive as the cool air of the room caused her nipples to pebble. An electrical current felt like it was passing through her body and striking her core causing an impossibly strong feeling that she couldn't describe. Knowing from the sounds Derek was making that he was close, Meredith slowed her pace. Together, they rid Derek of his pants and boxers and Meredith slipped her thong off.

Kissing her way back up his chest, Meredith didn't hesitate to kiss his lips. Their tongues tangled together and she ran her fingers through his hair, but she made sure that no part of her body touched him except her lips. Kissing his jaw and pressing kisses against his neck, Meredith bit down and sucked over his pulse point on his neck when she reached it.

"Meredith," he groaned. "Oh, God…"

She kissed over his collar bone before flicking her tongue across his nipple and biting down a second later. Derek hissed from the feeling and Meredith let fingertips travel down over his damp skin. Letting her lips follow the path that her fingertips had taken, she was reached for the fudge again and poured some on his lower abdomen…just above his throbbing shaft. Derek's back arched as she wrapped her hand around his hardness. Licking the fudge and brushing her thumb over the head of his shaft, Meredith smiled at the sound of Derek's groaning. Pulling away, she felt herself getting wetter at sounds he was making. Flipping her hair again, Meredith took her tongue and ran it from the base to the tip and Derek's hips jerked in response to the unexpected feeling. He groaned and smiling, she decided to stop teasing him. Wrapping her lips around his hardness, she swirled her tongue like she was licking a piece of candy. Sliding down his cock, Meredith hummed as her tongue curled around the underside of his shaft until her lips were clamped down around the base. Derek called out loudly at the feeling of her slowly easing her way back up. Swirling her tongue around the head of his shaft again before taking another tortuously slow path back down, Meredith gripped his thighs. She repeated the motion over and over again making sure that she kept him just hovering on the edge. Keeping him teetering on the edge of coming, her rhythm was just enough to drive him crazy with need, but not enough to actually produce the satisfaction that he wanted.

"Meredith," he groaned and she heard the desperation in his voice as his hips bucked again. He was fighting for the pleasure he desperately wanted and she knew that he wouldn't last much longer.

"Meredith," he begged again and she hummed against his shaft with her lips firmly clasped around his base. The vibration of her hum caused him groan loudly and she made another pass up and down his length.

"Stop teasing," Derek choked. "God, please…I need you…I need you…God…"

Deciding that she'd teased him long enough, Meredith increased her speed. She went from causing him pleasurable agony to pure pleasure. Stopping when he was so close, Derek groaned. Before he could complain, Meredith lined herself up with him before sinking down onto his hard shaft. They both gasped and moaned at the feeling of him being inside her, she let her head fall back. She'd been so wet and her body had been tingling with need. To feel him…leaning back, she held onto his thigh for leverage and rocked her body against him. Derek groaned and panted as Meredith slipped her hand down her body and let her fingertips brush against her buddle of nerves that had been aching to be touched. Moaning loudly at the feeling of him being inside her mixed with the pleasure of being touched, Meredith bit her bottom lip.

She set a rhythm that wasn't clear or even. Derek's hips jerked and she knew when to speed up or slow down. She knew where to touch herself with her hand and she knew just how keep them both teetering on the edge between pleasure and the agony of being denied that pleasure. Her body hummed with desire and the coil that had been building and tightening low in her abdomen demanded release. Unable to deny herself any long, Meredith increased the tempo and Derek moaned in pleasure as he grabbed tightly onto the dining room chair. His whole body was taunt with need. She could feel the tension in his muscles and the look of need on his face on made her wetter.

He wanted release…a release that only she could give him. Rolling her hips, Meredith changed the angle of how she moved and instantly, she nearly came undone as Derek's hard shaft hit that one place inside her that could make her see stars. Rolling her hips harder and faster, Meredith could barely breathe. She was so close to falling over the edge of that cliff. Her skin was just as damp as Derek's and her body just as taunt as his. Meredith's orgasm hit hard and it was enough to violently throw her over the edge into a pleasure filled haze as Derek followed her after a few more rolls of her hips. He made a sound that was something between a groan and a yell as his whole body became rigid beneath her before relaxing. Reaching above him and pulling at the ties to free him, Meredith let her hands rest on his stomach as they both panted hard and tried to catch their breath. Derek took off the sleep mask that had been covering his eyes and looked up at the ceiling as his chest violently rose and fell.

Reaching for the last shot of tequila, Meredith moaned at the feeling of him still being inside her. Tipping back the shot, she turned the glass upside and placed it next to the other two. A moment later, her pager beeped and reaching for it, she read the message before rolling her shoulders and looking down at him.

"I have to go. I promised Mark that I'd go to dinner with him and Addie to meet Amelia's new boyfriend," she panted. "I'm gonna go take a quick shower and then leave."

Climbing off of him and slipping down from the table, Meredith grabbed his dress shirt and quickly went up stairs. She took the fastest shower of her life and changed into a red lace dress with sky high heels. Coming back down stairs, she paused as she stood in the entry way to the dining room. Derek had only moved his arms and he still lay on the table with his hands resting on his abdomen. Looking at him, Meredith grinned.

"I'll see you later!" she called as she walked towards the front door. "I love you!"

Derek made some unintelligible noises and Meredith's grin widened. She'd probably sexed the man into a coma for the rest of the night and she left the house with a smile on her face. She was almost tempted to call French and tell the bitch that she still had it. She could still drive a man crazy with pleasure and leave him wanting more on a dining room table.

* * *

**So, who thinks McDreamy can get up off the table on his own?**

**I want to thank everyone who did leave a review! I had so many that it just seemed impossible to try and reply back to everyone and I didn't want to delay in posting this chapter any longer. Next time, I'll reply to all the reviews like I always do. If you have any questions, concerns, ect. You can always PM me and I'll try to reply as quickly as I can...as always, ****LEAVE A REVIEW! **

**See you soon!**

_**EDITED 3/24/2017**_


	18. XVIII: Alive

**Author's Note: **

**Thank you to everyone who left a review! I had over 95 reviews for last chapter! Thank you! I hope that this chapter is satisfying. I know that it's again on the short side, but I promise that the next three will be in length. I have an announcement at the end of the chapter! Grab your snack and a glass of wine...**

**Enjoy! **

**H4TG**

* * *

Chapter XVIII

"...I had a one-way ticket to a place  
Where all the demons go  
Where the wind don't change  
And nothing in the ground can ever grow  
No hope, just lies  
And you're taught to cry in your pillow  
But I survived..."

~ "Alive" - Sia

_May 18, 2006_

"Six letter word for pinnacle," Derek said as he lay across their bed. Meredith was half asleep in bed with her eyes closed. The bedside lamp was on beside her and she was curled up in the warmth of the down comforter on the bed.

"Zenith," she mumbled before turning over and facing the open window. The sound of the quiet suburbs was something that she'd grown fond of. New York had always been loud and busy. It was something that she'd once loved, but know she wasn't so sure that if she ever went back that she'd like it. There was something comforting and wonderful about the quiet that she couldn't explain.

"Did you call that contract and design firm to let them know that I'll be over in the morning?"

"Oh, this is good. Finished! I did call them," Derek confirmed as he put the crossword puzzle aside. "When do you think that Amelia will be home?"

"She's a grown adult. You don't have to monitor her."

"I'm just curious. She wants us to meet this military boyfriend of hers."

Meredith smiled when she felt Derek's lips on the back of her neck. He pushed her hair out of the way before sliding the thin strip of lace over her shoulder down. He kissed her shoulder blade and she let out a sigh of contentment as she closed her eyes.

"Unless you've already met him," Derek murmured in between kisses. "Have you?"

"No," Meredith breathed as Derek's hand slid up over her hip. Just as she was willing to wake up and turn over, the door bell rang. Both of them paused and looked at the alarm clock on Meredith's nightstand.

**9:09 PM**

"I'll get it," Derek groaned as he hauled himself out of bed. Meredith sat up and watched him leave their bedroom in nothing but a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt. There was no one home but them. Carolyn was staying over at Addison and Mark's house as Baby Sloan's due date crept closer and Amelia was out with her mysterious boyfriend. After waiting for two minutes, she pushed the blankets back and grabbed her silk robe. It fell mid-thigh and she didn't care that it wasn't tied in the front. Whoever was downstairs would get an eyeful of lace cleavage. Quickly descending the stairs, Meredith paused on the final step when she spotted Derek standing on the porch outside with George O'Malley. Ever since George's dad had been admitted hours before, the man had been a mess. Watching Derek say something to George, Meredith tilled her head to the side with curiosity when he left. Derek saw her through the glass front door and came back inside. He locked the door before slowly walking towards her with a grim expression on his handsome face.

"What was that about?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"Izzy is being difficult about George's dad's care. He was hoping that I could talk to the chief privately and help him figure out what to do about it."

Meredith's frown deepened, "Are you?"

"No," Derek sighed. "I told George that Izzy is going to be his wife soon and he has to talk to her himself. He can't let others be his messenger. It's how bad things and misunderstandings happen."

Meredith looked at the floor and examined the hardwood. She knew that Derek was hinting at what had happened to them. How misunderstandings and miscommunications had nearly ruined their relationship. It was painful to think about, but in some ways Meredith was grateful for what had happened. It had made them stronger. It had brought them closer than ever and she looked up at him with a sad smile on her face.

"Do you think that George is regretting getting engaged?"

"I don't know," Derek answered honestly. "I think that in some ways he's just overwhelmed by everything that is happening. He didn't like that I wasn't willing to help him."

"It's not your place."

"That's what I told him."

Holding onto the bannister, Meredith felt Derek's hands go around her narrow waist. His head was level with her neck and he gently pressed kisses against the soft skin of throat.

"Did I buy you this?" Derek asked as he fingered the silk robe.

"You've never bought me a piece of lingerie or any kind of nightwear in your life," Meredith grinned at him before turning and walking up a few steps. "I'm going to bed."

"To sleep?" Derek called up after her and Meredith could barely suppress her smile of satisfaction. They hadn't really had a conversation about the sex they'd had on the dining room table. Derek had been asleep when she'd finally returned home from the hospital and tonight was the first time they'd been alone since.

"Aren't you coming with me?" she asked over her shoulder with a sexy grin.

Derek didn't hesitate to follow her.

* * *

_May 19, 2006_

Meredith looked down at the plans that the planner had created. The house plans were beautiful. A three story Victorian with a finished basement, an open floor plan, and six bedrooms in total. The house was breathtaking and Meredith couldn't help the smile that came to her face. Derek would like it, she knew he would. All the requests that she'd made out in her email to Johnson Design Firm had been fulfilled.

"When do you think that it will be done?"

"Probably early next year, maybe Christmas if we really push," Doug Johnson, the owner told her with a smile. "Your husband said that we should plan to have completed ASAP."

"I would really like that," Meredith smiled back. "I love it."

"I have the okay to move forward?"

"Let me show these to my husband tonight and I'll call you in the morning."

"I'll get you a second copy of these plans to take home."

Doug left her and Meredith smiled as she stood alone in the conference room and looked down at the plans that she'd come up with Derek. There was something so much more satisfying about having planned the house with Derek. It was their home and it actually felt like a home. A place where they could relax and have the family that they'd talked about having. It was their space and no one could intrude upon it. Within an hour, Meredith was pulling into the hospital parking lot with a smile on her face and the plans for the house in her back seat. Walking into the hospital, Meredith quickly went to the resident locker room and changed into scrubs. It was strange being with new people, but ever since she and Cristina had passed the intern exam, they'd been elevated to resident status. Along with came a new locker, ID badge and according to Burke, they'd have special scrub caps marking her and Cristina as cardio resident. Putting on her light blue scrubs, Meredith pinned her ID badge to her scrubs before closing the locker door. Turning, she nearly walked into an exhausted looking Cristina.

"You look awful."

"I was here all night with Barbie and Bambi," Cristina snorted. "They're both freaking out over George's dad and I'm so sick of hearing about. I want to punch both of them. Preston sent me home to sleep, but I can't."

"What are you gonna do?"

"Lie down in an on-call room and hope to get some sleep before grabbing a case if we can."

"That sounds like a plan."

Cristina grunted in agreement before Meredith left the locker room.

* * *

"I need you."

Looking up from the chart that she was reading, Meredith met the curious gaze of a heavily pregnant Addison. Arching a brow, she closed out the computer screen that she was reading and crossed her arms on the desk.

"With?"

"I have a case with a woman who has an object stuck in her...you know."

"Ear? Why don't you call for Mark."

Addison scowled and looked tired, "I don't need Mark."

"If it's stuck in her vagina, you don't need me. It has nothing cardio."

"It's more complicated than that, I think."

Standing, Meredith followed Addison across the E.R. to an exam room and when she walked in, she did her best to keep a straight face.

"Ow, Adam! It hurts whenever you move!"

"Well don't put your weight on my bad knee."

"Sorry, I thought it was on the left side."

"Nineteen years of marriage and you'd think that you have that one down."

"It appears that her husband is the foreign object," Addison said dryly.

"Ex-husband," the couple said at the same time. Meredith couldn't help her eyebrows from raising at the pronouncement. Addison quickly put on gloves and lifted the sheet. A quick examination proved that Adam, the ex-husband had gotten a genital piercing was attached to his ex-wife.

"This is so embarrassing." Adam groaned.

"No, embarrassing is meeting your husband for lunch with your ex-husband still attached to you," Sonja snapped. "Can you people work some kind of miracle?"

"Do you have an piercings?" Meredith asked calmly and was rewarded with a deathly glare from Sonja.

"No!"

"Well, we'll have someone come in and get x-rays and go from there."

Meredith left the couple on the table fighting and followed Addison out. The red head looked tired and shook her head. Cocking her head to the side, Meredith leaned against the wall as Addison quickly began charting and filling out orders.

"What's going on with you?"

"Mark," Addison said in a tired voice. "He's just being annoying and I have a headache. Between him and Carolyn fussing over me, I just need a break. Is it alright if Carolyn comes and stays with you for a few days? She offered to move out if we're feeling overwhelmed and thought that it would help. I just...I'm anxious enough as it is with having this baby and I need some space."

"Yeah, I never even thought of Carolyn as having moved out. Amelia has been spending a lot of time with this new guy of hers and going to NA meetings. It's been weird having the house to ourselves."

"It is your house. You're supposed to have it to yourselves."

Meredith chuckled and didn't say anything as she wandered off to go back to work. It was almost two hours later that she'd finally gotten a hold of the x-rays that Addison had had taken. The intern who had taken the x-rays had screwed up the first time and now that she had the x-rays attached to the light box, they looked blurry. She felt someone come and stand next to her. Turning, she smiled when she caught Derek staring at her with a small grin on his face.

"What?"

"You never did come find me after meeting Doug Johnson."

"Yeah, well, it's been a busy day."

"Has it?"

Meredith pointed at the x-rays, "Do these look blurry to you?"

Derek pushed himself off the wall and placed his hands on his hips. He narrowed his eyes and studied them. She couldn't help but to admire how handsome he looked. The sudden urge to kiss him became overwhelming once she realized he was wearing his ferryboat scrub cap. He must have come directly from surgery because his arms were still damp from scrubbing out.

"What am I looking at?" Derek asked after a minute with a frown.

"A divorced couple who got stuck together during sex."

"Oh, wow. That's gotta be pretty awkward."

"Divorced five years and still going at it like teens at the prom."

Derek grinned at her, "At least she didn't leave him on the dining room table alone."

Meredith flushed and looked around her to make sure that no one had heard his comment. He continued to grin at her as she shook her head.

"We never did talk about that."

"What's there to say?"

"How about a round two?"

Meredith grinned back at him and shook her head, "No, not with your mom moving back in full time with us. I'm not getting caught by her."

Staring at the x-rays, Meredith couldn't help the words that came out of her mouth next.

"Do you think this x-ray would be us?"

Derek was quiet for a moment as he crossed his arms over his chest. Meredith couldn't help but to wonder if she and Derek would have been the couple in the ER. Granted, she didn't really think that Derek would ever get a piercing, but she couldn't also deny that she'd always want him. There was no way to fully explain what his kisses did to her. Something about being close to him always felt right and she always found herself wanting more.

Needing more...

"There would be no life after you," Derek answered softly. "I think that if you and I had divorced...I may sound like a lovesick fool, but I don't think that I would have ever really moved on. I think that I'd probably have become a miserable bastard and workaholic who'd spend all his time working trying to forget about the love of his life."

Meredith didn't know what to feel about his admission.

"These are blurry, but not too bad. Her I.U.D. dislodged from her uterus, hooked onto her ex-husband's peircing and lodged itself in her vaginal wall."

Meredith grinned, "I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."

Derek burst out laughing as he turned the light box off.

"You're welcome."

He pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

* * *

Taking apart Adam and Sonja had ended in complete disaster. Adam had had a heart attack and tore his aorta. Luckily, Meredith had been in the room when Addison had been separating them to stabilize Adam and get him to surgery with Burke and Cristina. The surgery had been long and grueling with Adam neary dying twice. As exhausting as it had been, it had been thrilling and Meredith had loved every moment of it. Putting her key in the front door, she turned it and stepped inside the house. The worst part of the day by far was having to deal with George and Izzy. George's father had had another heart attack and was completely unstable for surgery. He was entering the first stages of renal failure and there was were little anyone could do to fix the downhill slide that was about to begin. Meredith had been there when Bailey had inserted the t-tube down Mr. O'Malley's throat. Now on life support, George's father had few if any options. The machine would breathe for him, but if his heart and kidneys continued to weaken, there was nothing to be done and he'd slowly die. Changing into a silk nightgown, Meredith crawled into bed with Derek and looked at the ceiling. Derek blinked at her as she laid down. Having woken him up, she murmured an apology, but Derek only grunted in response before turning on his side to spoon her body. Wrapped safely in his arm, Meredith closed her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. Derek's body was warm, hard, and the sandalwood soap that he used permeated her senses.

"I heard about George's dad," Derek mumbled into her hair. "I'm sorry to hear he's taken a turn for the worse."

"Yeah," she breathed shakily. "He's just going downhill quickly."

"It can't be easy."

She nodded and held onto Derek's hand a little tighter. He squeezed her hand back and she could feel his frown. He forced her to turn towards him and she could see the concern in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" Derek whispered.

"I don't want to live on a machine."

"What?" Derek asked as he turned onto his side and looked at her. "What are you talking about?"

Turning to look at him, she smiled sadly.

"I don't want to live on machines should something happen to me, Derek," she told him softly. "I know that it's in our living wills and all that, but…I don't want to live on machines. If I'm brain dead or…there's no possible way I'm going to ever wake up… after thirty days…I don't want to live on machines and I know you don't want to talk about or think about it, but life happens. I…I want you know what I want because you'll be my…my person."

He gently ran his fingers through her hair and nodded, "Okay…no machines and you're right. I don't want to talk about this."

He leaned over her and gently kissed her. His lips were warm and firm against hers and she'd missed him all day. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she breathed shakily as he pulled away.

"You're right," she whispered tearfully. "I don't want to think about something happening. I…I don't want to think about a world without you. It breaks my heart even just imagining it. I don't know why I'm crying."

* * *

Several hours later, Meredith's cell phone began ringing. Blindly, she reached out for it as Derek tightened his arm around her in his sleep. Not bothering to look at the ID, Meredith answered.

"Mrs. Shepherd, this is Verna from Rosewood. I'm calling regarding your mother."

"What'd she do?" Meredith asked tiredly as she laid in bed fully awake. Derek let go of her and turned away from her to continue sleeping as Meredith blinked and read the time on the alarm clock.

4:17 AM

"She's awake, ma'am. She's alert and asking for you."

"She's asked for me before at night and you've never called. Why now?" Meredith demanded as she pushed the blanket covers away and reached for her silk robe. She doubted that she'd fall back asleep after the phone call she was having and decided that it would be simpler to just start her day. Grabbing the empty glass of water that had been sitting on the dresser from the day before, Meredith moved towards their bedroom door as quietly as she could.

"I don't think that you understand me," Verna said calmly. "You're mother is complete lucid."

The glass slipped out of Meredith's hand and shattered on the wood for. Derek instantly sat up in bed, awake and alert as Meredith stood completely still.

"A-are y-you…she's…"

Meredith could barely form a sentence as Derek pushed back the covers and slipped out of bed. Avoiding the glass that she was standing in and flipping on the bedroom light, he reached for the cell phone. Meredith gave it to him without a fight. She was in complete shock and the cuts on her feet from the glass barely registered in her mind as she looked at Derek.

Ellis was lucid…she remembered everything…

Derek's conversation with Verna was quick and he disconnected the phone. Looking down at her feet, he swore softly. Following his gaze, Meredith felt the pain as soon as she saw her feet. A piece of glass had left a deep cut on the top of her left foot and had grazed the right one. She was bleeding profusely from the cut and without hesitation, Derek lifted her up.

"I'll take care of the glass later," he murmured as he carried her down stairs. Setting her on the counter in the kitchen, he flipped on the lights before opening drawers and gathering supplies. Turning on the counter, Meredith put her bleeding foot in the sink and turned the water on. She winced as the water caused a stinging sensation, but with the blood washing away the cut didn't look so severe.

"You'll need a stitch or two," Derek said as he put a first aid kit down on the counter and grabbed a towel. "I have a suture kit in my office. I'll grab it."

"No," Meredith protested. "Just put a bandage on it. I'll take care of it later."

Derek didn't say anything and she was grateful. She couldn't handle an argument with him. Hearing that her mother was lucid…she didn't know what to say or do. She couldn't come to terms with what had happened. The idea seemed impossible to her…Ellis was gone and yet, she was back…

"I think that we can get away with just putting gauze on it for now," Derek said and drew her out of her thoughts. "We can reexamine it later to see if it needs stitches. The bleeding is letting up though."

Nodding, Meredith watched him turn the water off before drying her foot and applying the gauze dressing. He was liberal with the tape and if it had been any other time, Meredith was sure that she would have teased him about trying to give her feet a wax job. He examined her other foot and deemed it less severe, but it didn't need anything other than a band-aid. Neither of them were speaking when a groggy looking Amelia walked into the kitchen.

"Is everything okay?" she asked tiredly. "I heard glass break."

"Meredith dropped a cup in our bedroom. Can you clean it up, please?" Derek replied with a hint of desperation in his voice. Amelia picked up on the tone of his voice immediately and looked more alert.

"What's happened? Is everything alright?"

Without being able to help herself, Meredith burst out laughing. It was a dark humorless laugh that quickly turned to sobs as she looked at Derek.

"How is this even happening?" she choked. "How is she back? I…I don't what to do. I've been on a constant circuit of reliving my worst childhood memories with her thinking that I'm a five year child and now…she's just back and asking for me…"

"It's happens, Meredith," Derek murmured as he brushed a strand of loose hair behind her ear. "We don't know why, but it does."

"I know that…I just don't know how I'm going to explain all this to her," she said shakily. "Everything with Ellis…it's always so damned difficult and I…I almost don't want her to be lucid because that means I have to deal with her as an adult and I can't run…she won't let me…it's not like I'm five and she's telling me to go away and I do it gladly."

"We'll figure this out. Let's just get dressed, okay?"

Meredith nodded as Amy announced that she'd go clean up the glass quickly. Watching her sister-in-law leave, Meredith tiredly closed her eyes. A part of her wished she'd never answered the phone.

"Today is going to be horrible," she announced to Derek. "I have a feeling."

He didn't say anything as she took her foot out of the sink and turned more water on to wash away the blood. Slipping off the counter, Meredith winced as she put weight down on her foot, but she welcomed the physical pain. It was better than feeling the emotional pain that was starting to surface as she thought about Ellis more and more.

* * *

Meredith stood outside her mother's room and swallowed hard. Derek rubbed her back reassuringly, but she was still unsure. The entire car drive to the facility had been done in silence. Derek had rested his hand reassuringly on her knee and it had been the only thing that they'd both needed. No one could say anything that would make what was happening better or easier. There were simply no words.

"She woke up this morning completely her old self. Medically, we don't know why it happens, but it does. It's just a random gift," Cindy, the chief caregiver at Rosewood, told them. Turning, Meredith swallowed hard and she wanted to berate the woman for calling what was happening to them a gift. Nothing about this was a gift. In fact, it was a nightmare.

"So, she's lucid?" Derek asked. "She remembers?"

"Pretty much everything," Cindy nodded. "Except the last nine years and she doesn't remember that she has Alzheimer's. We thought that she should hear it from her daughter."

"So, she'll know me," Meredith said trying to keep her tears back. "I'm gonna walk in there, and she'll know who I am?"

"She's been asking for you," Cindy smiled reassuringly. Looking back at her mother pacing the room anxiously, Meredith took a shaky breath before turning around and looking at Derek.

"What was happening nine years ago? She and I…we stopped talking after you and I got married. I would have just been starting school at NYU. The last time that I saw her before…God, Derek," Meredith said nervously as she cupped her throat. "We…"

"It's gonna be okay," he told her reassuringly. "Just…be calm and tell her what's happened. Do you want me to go in there with you?"

"No," Meredith answered softly. "I'll…I'll tell her myself. It's probably best that I go. She won't know who you are."

"She'll never be my biggest fan, will she?"

Derek chuckled and Meredith couldn't stop the small smile that came to her face. It was true. Ellis had never been a great fan of Derek. In fact, Ellis had hated Derek from the moment that Meredith had introduced them and when Derek had proposed marriage…Ellis had gone nuclear. Giving Derek her tote bag and coat, Meredith walked into the open room where her mother paced.

"Meredith," Ellis said quickly as Meredith moved to sit down in a chair. "What is going on? When did you get back from Europe?"

"I did go to Europe for two months, but that was—"

"I've been sitting here thinking about the fight that we had, I said some terrible things," Ellis interrupted. "Don't tell me that it's fine. It isn't okay. After you left, I-I was upset. Did I…Did I have a breakdown? I must have had a nervous breakdown. I'm in a—is this a hospital? I can't remember anything from the past few months, Meredith. All I remember is the fight that we had and listen, if you don't want to become a doctor, that's okay. It's your life. Just take me home."

Looking sadly at her mother, Meredith crossed her hands in her lap and the diamonds from her engagement ring caught Ellis' eye.

"You're married?" Ellis asked in an accusing tone. "What the hell happened in Europe, Meredith?"

"Mom, please sit down," she asked. "Just and I will tell you everything."

"I-I want to go home, Meredith. I-I need to go home," Ellis said again with tears as she paced. "Take me home."

"You are home," Meredith told her softly and Ellis stopped. "I went to Europe. I finished an undergraduate degree at NYU and I went to Columbia for medical school. I was married my third year at NYU. Listen to me, you're sick. You have Alzheimer's, this is your home now. These people help to care for you. You are home."

"No!" Ellis yelled. "No!"

"Mom?" Meredith said as Ellis' body went stiff. Seeing what was about to happen, Meredith jumped up from the chair as Derek rushed in. He must have seen what she'd seen because in the next moment, he was helping her lower Ellis to the ground. Looking at Derek worriedly, Meredith felt scared for the first time in a very long time. She was terrified of what was happening to her mother and without having to say a word, she let Derek handle the situation. He quickly ordered that someone call 9-1-1 and when the ambulance came, he helped her up into the rig.

"You ride with her," he said calmly. "I'll follow. I've already called Burke and Webber to let them know that you're on the way, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith whispered before he closed the doors. The whole ambulance ride passed in silence. She watched the EMT work on connecting Ellis to a heart monitor and collect information. Meredith was silent and Ellis only spoke when the EMT asked her questions. Looking out the back window of the ambulance, she breathed a little easier seeing Derek's BMW behind them. Within a half hour, they were pulling up in front of the emergency room entrance of Seattle Grace. Meredith breathed a little easier when Burke opened the back of the door and gave her a sad smile.

"I was wondering where my favorite one had gone off to today," he said as the EMT workers unloaded her mother.

"She's had substernal chest pain and syncope," Meredith filled Burke in as Derek pulled in behind them.

"My pulse rate was in the 200s," Ellis supplied. "But the problem has resolved on its own."

"She's completely lucid," Meredith told Burke as he offered a hand up and helped her down.

"She's what?" Burke asked looking confused.

"She's herself again," Derek said as he joined them. "She remembers everything except the last nine years. How was she during the trip?"

"Silent," Meredith answered as they all followed Ellis into the hospital.

"Oh, my God!" Ellis exclaimed. "Are we at Seattle Grace? Is this Seattle Grace?"

"Yes, Mom. This is where I'm doing my residency," Meredith assured her.

"Your daughter is one of the finest residents that I've ever seen," Burke added with a smile. "She's one of my favorites."

"Do you know a doctor named Richard Webber? Is he still a doctor here?" Ellis asked with a hopeful tone.

"The Chief?"

"What, the Chief? Richard Webber is the Chief of Surgery?"

"Yes, Mom," Meredith said again as she stood by Ellis' side. "He's the Chief of Surgery."

Derek pager went off a moment later and he looked down at it.

"Damn it," he swore softly before looking at her. "I have to go. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Meredith said quietly. "I'll call you when Burke and I have news to give."

"Okay."

Derek quickly left and Meredith looked at Ellis as Burke began his assessment.

"Who is he?" Ellis asked quietly.

"My husband," Meredith replied. "He's your son-in-law. His name is Derek. We've been married for seven years."

Ellis didn't say anything as Burke looked up at Meredith.

"She's had runs of S.V.T.s. I'm going to order labs and an echo. I'll have Cristina do them if that's alright with you," Burke said and Meredith nodded.

"I'll go fill out paperwork," Meredith said quickly before retreating. She couldn't deal with her mother and everything that was going on. It felt overwhelming and she couldn't stand the feelings that were returning with Ellis being lucid. Her mother had missed so much of her life that it seemed impossible to consider her even her mother anymore. Carolyn Shepherd had filled that role for so long, it hurt more than ever knowing that Ellis would only be there for a few hours and wouldn't remember anything soon enough. Taking the clipboard and forms that the nurse had given her, Meredith found a quiet spot. She had always been a disappointment to her mother. Ellis's words of disappointment had rung in her ears for years. Even as an adult, Meredith could occasional hear Ellis in her head still. Derek had drowned out most of Ellis's hateful words, but with Ellis being lucid, even his words couldn't stop the words that Meredith knew were coming. Ellis would eventually say something.

She always did.

* * *

"Tell me about yourself," Ellis said as Meredith sat next to her. Knitting with quick hands, her nervous habit was going to result in a new blanket for the pediatric unit. Crossing her legs, Meredith looked at her mother and smiled tiredly. Derek had been drawn into an emergency surgery and he was never there right when she needed his talking skills. He was much better at making small talk than she was.

"I'm a resident now," Meredith said slowly. "I'm happy."

"What's your life like?" Ellis smiled encouragingly. "I really do what to know you, Meredith."

"Well, I'm married. You know that though. You met Derek in the E.R."

"Does he understand the demands of your career because not all men do? They say they do upfront, but they," Ellis trailed off and Meredith nodded nervously.

"He's a doctor…neurosurgeon, in fact," she said with anxiety evident in her voice. "He gets it. We both do. We, uh, used to live in New York before moving out here. Derek was the Head of the Neurosurgery department at New York Presbyterian. He also went to Columbia and NYU like I did. Richard Webber…he received an award almost ten years ago and I had gone to see him receive this award and that's how Derek and I met. Richard was Derek's mentor in medical school."

"Good. What else?" Ellis smiled and Meredith felt a little more comfortable opening up.

"He and I are building a house together," she smiled. "We bought forty acres of the most beautiful land in Seattle. You can see the whole city skyline and Elliot Bay. In New York, we had a Brownstone near Central Park and a house in the Hamptons that we shared with our friends, Addison and Mark Sloan. I used to go running in Central Park every morning before moving here. Now, I go running through the city sometimes. Derek and I, we're really happy. He inspires me and I love him. We've been talking about planning our family and the rest of our lives out. You know, I've always wanted to go swimming with dolphins? I just have to learn how to swim first, but I'm going to do it. He and I…we were so busy with life and everything in New York…we never even took a proper honeymoon. Derek keeps teasing that when I finally become an attending that he'll have accumulated enough time off to take me away somewhere for awhile. Some nice, white sandy beach with clear blue water, it will be so nice to have time to ourselves. Addison, she is one of my best friends, she's having a baby and I'm the Godmother. She's due any day and I'm just…I'm happy, Mom. I'm really happy."

A frown formed on Ellis' face and she looked angry, "What the hell happened to you?"

"What do you mean?" Meredith whispered brokenly as she set the knitting aside. "I'm me, I'm Meredith."

"You're happy? You're happy? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature. Passionate, driven, focused…a fighter. What the hell happened to you? You've gone soft! You keep talking about happiness and building a house…it's him, isn't it?" Ellis yelled angrily. "What the hell?"

"Mom," Meredith said softly. "Mom, please."

"Listen to me, Meredith," Ellis continued in a raised voice. "Anyone can fall in love blindly and be happy. Anyone! Not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I raised you to be an extraordinary human being. Imagine my disappointment when I wake up after nearly a decade and find out that you're no more than ordinary!"

Standing, Meredith quickly walked to the door and nearly collided with Derek. Not saying anything, she walked past him. God, she didn't want his comfort. She wanted to hurt. Pain was good. Pain reminded her of why she didn't get close to mothers. Pain was the easiest thing to feel, it was the only thing she could allow herself to feel. She couldn't let herself feel the sadness, the disappointment, the hurt of being rejected. Ellis had asked to know her and Meredith, she'd stupidly opened up. She'd made herself a human target to Ellis and she had no one to blame, but herself. She didn't want Derek's comfort. No, Meredith wanted to be in pain because pain was a teacher. Pain would teacher to never again trust Ellis Grey.

* * *

Watching his wife's retreating frame, Derek knew better than to go after her. She wanted space. He'd seen it in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the room of his mother-in-law…the mother-in-law, who had no idea who he was.

"I'm Doctor Shepherd," he said calmly and quietly. "Do you mind if I sit with you?"

Ellis shook her head and Derek took the seat that Meredith had been sitting in only moments ago.

"Can you do a functional M.R.I while I'm lucid?" Ellis demanded quickly jumping into the conversation before he even had a chance to say anything else.

"A functional M.R.I isn't going to show us anything new," Derek sighed as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "No test is gonna help us understand what's happening."

"So, in nine years you've made no advances and there is nothing else you can do for me. I don't know how you do it. Day in and day out, work with people who have this awful disease."

"Actually, I'm not an Alzheimer's specialist. I just…I'm here because you asked Doctor Yang for a neuro consult and I took an interest in this case because of Meredith, your daughter," Derek answered truthfully as Ellis' eyes narrowed dangerously at him.

"You're what happened to her."

"I'm sorry?" Derek asked feeling confused and slightly offended.

"I thought you were here for me," Ellis snapped. "To offer some hope of some new kind of treatment or different options, but you're here for Meredith."

"She's my wife," Derek said softly.

"An attending? A neurosurgeon? No wonder she's so damn unfocused."

"I don't think that you understand."

"Oh, I understand perfectly. I've seen men like you before, threatened by a woman who is there equal. You just want someone to admire you and you don't care about the damage that you do to her along the way," Ellis snapped. "Get out. Meredith needs to focusing on picking a specialty and you've got her talking about building a house and being a Godmother. Get out."

Standing, Derek walked to the doorway, but paused on the threshold. Turning back, he looked at the woman that had haunted Meredith. The woman that had pushed her to drugs, alcohol, a life of wild abandon that could have put her at risk for any number of harmful things, the woman who had driven Meredith to want to end her life.

"Ellis," Derek said calmly as he stood in the doorway. "Your daughter, she's my sun and my universe revolves around her. I've never loved someone as deeply as I've grown to love her. Everyday, I find something else that I love about her. She's not ordinary. She's anything but ordinary. You should see her with a scalpel. She's…extraordinary. Not many people are handpicked to complete an accelerated cardiothoracic residency, but she was. I've never seen a more gifted surgeon. She has a love for it, a drive, a desire that not many have. She's extraordinary and I get to say that she's my wife. My beautiful, extraordinary wife. I didn't change her. She changed me. She's made me a better man. Marrying her, it had nothing to do with medicine or surgery and had everything to do with loving her."

* * *

"Refusing treatment isn't what you want to do," Meredith said tiredly as she stood in her mother's room for the second time that day. Her head ached and all she wanted to do was to go home and drown herself in tequila. She didn't care what Derek said in the morning. She just wanted to drink.

"Apparently, what I want doesn't matter," Ellis snarled. "It isn't even legally binding. You're the one who is in charge! It's all about what you want to do."

"Do you think that I like making these decisions for you? Do you think that it's fun to get calls from the nursing home asking on whether or not I was planning on giving the nurse who changes you and you emotionally abuse every morning a Christmas tip?" Meredith whispered tearfully. "I do it because you have managed to alienate everyone else in your life and I am the only one left. So I have to step up and do it. Do you think that I enjoy this? Do you think that I like subjecting myself to your emotional abuse every time that I see you? Yes, I am ordinary. I do crosswords with my husband to make sure that he doesn't cheat every morning. I go Christmas shopping for my nieces and nephews. I call my sister-in-laws on a regular basis and I go home and sleep next to my husband in our bed every chance that I get! I have Christmas with him! And Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day and I go to Fourth of July picnics with his family because I can and I do. I have built a life that makes me happy. I'm not popping pills or doing drugs to numb the painful words that my mother said to me as a child. I haven't done that in years. I've built a life for myself. I have friends and a family that I love. You don't have that because you've alienated everyone else in your life."

"Meredith—" Ellis said, but she shook her head.

"You want to know what happened to me? You, you happened to me and I am happy. You can't stand that. You're so miserable and you made my life so miserable that it took time to finally understand that I am not at fault for the damage that you did to me. I know that you never wanted me. I know that you wanted to abort me and the only reason that I am here is because Richard Webber convinced you to have me. He convinced you to keep, but you felt like I was the biggest burden and disappointment of your life. You never cared. You hired nannies and housekeepers to take care of me and you sent abroad when you didn't need to see me. I was just the unwanted piece of garbage that you didn't want and in some, sick, twisted way, I do love you. I can't understand it, but I have become the person who is left to take care of you."

"If that's what you think of me, let me refuse the heart surgery," Ellis demanded.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I have already lost a child. My relationship with Derek nearly fell apart. I am not going to let killing my mother be another thing that happens to me," Meredith snapped back tearfully. "I am not letting you give up and have that guilt fall on me. I refuse to carry anymore guilt for who I am and how I chose to live my life. I do not need your approval and I do not need your opinion. I am happy, but I will not let you kill yourself. I will not let you do that. You will be having surgery as soon as Doctor Burke can arrange it and I will be there when you wake you because someone has to be. You've alienated everyone else who would want to be in that room. You've broken everyone that you've ever touched."

"Meredith…" Ellis said softly.

Before her mother could say another word, Meredith left.

She couldn't do it anymore. She could care for Ellis Grey. It was just too much.

* * *

Hearing the rain outside, Meredith sat on the wicker loveseat on the enclosed back porch and brought her knees to her chest. Her mother needed surgery and she'd already signed the consent forms. Burke was doing the surgery tomorrow and she'd be there afterwards. It had been a long day and all she wanted to do was sleep. Having already heard about the patient with the toxic blood and Derek's involvement in the case, she was surprised when she heard the screen door open and saw him. He carried a bottle of Tequila in one hand and two shot glasses in the other.

"We're gonna regret this in the morning," he said softly as he sat down next to her.

"I always regret it in the morning," Meredith smiled sadly at him. "I always have and I always will."

"I can see us now," Derek joked. "Bring out the tequila from hiding once the kids have gone to bed. We're destined to end up with one tequila baby. One day, we're gonna drink too much and we'll have a baby as a result."

"Jose Shepherd has a nice ring to it," Meredith giggled as Derek smiled and poured two more shots.

* * *

**So, I will admit that I've had a hard time keeping up with the story. In light of that, I have decided to bring this story to an end sooner than I had anticipated. There will be two more chapters left plus an epilogue from Mark's POV. This story has been about breaking boundaries and from the very start, I've been unapologetic about how I've plotted and written the story. That being said, I really think that some people will either love me or hate me, but I think that I've finally reached how exactly I plan to end the story. **

**Who's ready to jump into Elliot Bay?**

_**EDITED 3/24/2017**_


	19. XIX: Grace

**Author's Note: **

**I'm a bad, bad author...**

* * *

**Chapter XIX**

_"...There's no escape_  
_So keep me safe_  
_This feels so unreal_

_Nothing comes easily_  
_Fill this empty space_  
_Nothing is like it seems_  
_Turn my grief to grace..."_

~ "Grace" Kate Havnevik

_Three Weeks Later..._

_June 2, 2006_

Meredith hauled herself up and out of bed.

Her mother had survived the surgery. It had only taken her and Derek six minutes to convince Ellis that the surgery was in her best interest. While recovering on the cardiac care unit, the woman had had good days and bad days. For the most part, Ellis was lost in her mind and Meredith hated to see her in such a state. Yesterday had filled her with such a sense of relief when the ambulance came to transfer back to the assisted living facility where she'd stay. Derek grunted in his sleep next to her and mumbled something about sleeping a few minutes longer. She smiled at him and slipped across the hall to the bathroom. Turning on the hot water, she stripped down and stepped into the shower and closed her eyes. Standing under the hot spray, she let the hot water work the kinks out of the muscles in her neck and shoulders. Washing her hair and body, she looked up when the door opened. She thought that maybe Derek had gotten out of bed to join her, but when the glass sliding door opened, words got lost in her throat as an equally naked red haired man stood in front of her. She couldn't help the way her eyes automatically went to his goods and she arched an eyebrow. No wonder Amelia was hooking up with this guy.

"Oh my God!" the red head man blurted out, "I'm so sorry! I thought that you were Amelia!"

He stuttered for a few seconds before turning as red as his hair. He grabbed his clothing, covered himself and went to the door with several apologetic statements that she found amusing. Meredith quickly got out and wrapped a towel around her body. Poking her head out into the hallway, she grinned that the retreating figure as Derek appeared in their doorway looking mused from sleep.

"Morning," she said brightly. "Did you sleep well?

Derek grunted and went into the bathroom. He was barely awake and she knew better than to press him until he'd had his shower and some coffee in his system. Drying herself off and changing, Meredith heard her phone buzzing, notifying her of new text messages. Throwing her shirt on, she leaned across the unmade bed and grabbed the iphone. Meredith's eyes went wide seeing the text message. Scrolling through her feed, she saw several frantic texts from Mark that made her grin. Slipping the phone into the back pocket of her jeans, Meredith made her way downstairs to see Amelia and her mystery man sitting in the kitchen having coffee. She could hear Derek in her head saying not to torture the guy, but she'd spent too many years around Mark to even listen to the voice.

"So, Amelia," she began casually as she poured herself a cup of coffee and walked to the refrigerator to look for creamer. "Are you gonna introduce me to the man who almost joined me naked in the shower this morning?"

Amelia grinned and the man at the table turned beet red, "Does Derek know about that?"

"It doesn't matter," Meredith said with a wave of her hand. "I didn't catch your name."

"Owen," the man replied after clearing his throat. "Owen Hunt."

"He's a trauma surgeon," Amelia piped in with a smile. "He's really good."

Before Meredith could respond, she spotted Derek walking across the living room towards the kitchen already dressed. He hadn't shaved and the dark stubble around his jaw made her tummy turn with desire.

"Morning," he said in a semi-cheerful tone as he walked in a kissed her on the cheek. Meredith handed him her cup of coffee before pouring him one. They traded coffee and he went about making himself breakfast.

"Derek, this is Owen, Amelia's friend," Meredith introduced and Derek stopped and turned to look at the man he hadn't noticed sitting at the kitchen table. "Owen, this Derek and I have to be going."

"Mm?" Derek looked at her with confusion, "What?"

"Addison's water broke and she's having the baby," Meredith explained with a shrug as she gathered up her purse and keys.

"I thought she wasn't due for another few weeks," he asked with a frown.

"Don't look at me. Baby's have their own time tables," she smiled before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Mom and I will come by later today," Amelia chimed in. "Derek can drive us there."

Meredith left as Derek and Amelia hashed out the details. A little while later, her phone chimed with a text from Derek about their plans. Pulling her car into the parking spot, she bit her bottom lip. She wasn't going to be jealous of Addison, Meredith told herself. This was going to bring up memories for her and she'd get through it. The ache would be there, but she'd get through this. She'd live and she'd have a new niece or nephew by the end of the day. She'd be happy, Meredith told herself. Addison deserved nothing less than her smiles.

* * *

Addison's room was at the end of the maternity ward and Meredith grinned as she walked into the room. Mark looked up at her and she had never seen such a look of relief on his face before. Addison looked relieved too as she leaned down and hugged the woman that she thought of as a sister.

"I won't ask how you're feeling," Meredith joked as she sat on the edge of the bed. Addison looked grateful and Mark stood up.

"Where's Derek?" he asked looking anxiously at the door way before looking back at her.

"Well, Caroline wasn't awake yet and he wanted to tell her that the baby is on the way and drive her here. So, Amelia and Caroline will be here with Derek in probably the next hour," she explained as another contraction came over Addison. The red head breathed through the pain like she'd probably instructed countless other mothers to do and Meredith held her hand.

"Oh, God," Addison sighed when it was over. "I asked for an epidural and it should be here soon. I want drugs to make this better."

Situating herself on the bed more, Meredith smiled at Mark as he stood up.

"I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee," he announced as he stretched. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

Mark left the two of them together and Addison grabbed onto Meredith's hand. She looked panicked for a second, but breathed slowly.

"I told Mark that if anything goes wrong, I want him to save the baby," Addison said quickly. "I'm telling you because I know that if something goes wrong he'll be a mess and I need you and Derek to be on the same page as this. Promise me."

"Nothing wrong is gonna happen," Meredith reassured her with a grin as their fingers tangled together. "I promise you, Addie. No one is dying today."

"You don't know that."

"I know, but I think that everything is gonna be fine. You've wanted to be a mom for so long and it's finally happening. Happy thoughts only, Addie, no negative thoughts or anything like that to ruin this special day."

"Happy thoughts," Addison echoed. "Give me a happy thought because all I can think about now is how much this freaking hurts."

Meredith laughed, "Well, I met Amelia's mystery beau this morning."

"Yeah?"

"He walked into the shower and we were both naked. It was awkward, but his…I can see why she's with him for one reason," Meredith grinned as Addison laughed. "I had to go to the kitchen to get coffee and he couldn't even look me in the eye when Amelia introduced him."

Addison laughed before groaning. A contraction hit her and she whimpered, holding tightly to Meredith's hand. Squeezing back, Meredith brushed her thumb back and forth over the back of Addison's hand. There wasn't much she could do to help. At this point, it was all Addison and she felt sympathetic towards her pain. She'd experienced the cramping pain from her own miscarriage, but she imagined that the pain she felt was nothing like the pain Addison was experiencing.

"It'll be worth it," Addison panted. "All this pain, it'll be worth it in the end. That's what I tell the other moms that I deliver. This baby…it'll be worth it."

"Do you know yet, boy or girl?" Meredith asked. "Or are you waiting until the very end for it to be a surprise?"

"Until the very end," Mark boomed as he walked back into the room. "No cheating here, Grey."

Meredith's pager went off the next moment and she looked down. It was a message from Cristina saying that Burke wanted them to scrub in on a surgery before triage training that was happening later. Slipping it back to her waist band, Meredith kissed Addison's cheek.

"Duty calls," she said with a smile.

* * *

"This is a stupid waste of our time," Cristina said as they walked next to each other down the hallway. The triage test was finally happening after being delayed twice. Meredith did agree that it seemed silly, but they were required to do it. Burke had done his best to try and wiggle them out of it, but even his powers hadn't been enough. He'd fought Chief Webber telling him that his residents were already advanced and knew how to treat patients, but Webber had overruled him saying that it was a requirement, not an option. Ahead of them, Izzie and George were disagreeing about some aspect of their wedding. Meredith was frankly sick of hearing about it as she turned the corner. Derek was coming in later to do surgery and she hated that he wasn't here with her to suffer. It was partially her own fault for being cranky. She'd let him keep her up until the early hours of the morning with sex, but she couldn't bring herself to regret any of it. Seeing Sydney, the other resident that she hated, Meredith wished that she could duck into a corner and be left alone for the morning, or better yet, be allowed to duck upstairs and stay with Addison until her new niece or nephew was born.

"I have news to tell you," Cristina continued as they walked down the hall. "It's news that I have to tell you and I promised Burke that I'd tell you today about it."

Before Meredith could say anything, Chief Webber appeared.

"People!" he called and everyone froze. "I have to interrupt the training session for a moment. We just received word of a mass casualty incident nearby. All available level one trauma centers have been asked to respond. I need to send a team into the field immediately."

Cristina and Meredith looked at each other as Webber called out names and assigned different people to ambulances. Cristina was staying back to help with the incoming traumas while Meredith would go to the scene and evaluate cardio trauma cases. Walking out behind, Izzie and George, she ignored the two as they gossiped. They got in and Alex offered her a hand up into the rig. Sitting next to him, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. It was a text update from Mark, Addison was at seven centimeters and going strong. Stuffing the phone away, Meredith ignored Izzie and George. Alex sat next to her with a look of pure jealousy and annoyance on his face as he gripped his triage bag tightly. She listened to Bailey go over triage one last time as the rig came to a stop and the back door opened. Looking at the ferry boat crash, Meredith felt the breath leave her as she thought of 9/11 in New York. This was nothing compared to that, she told herself as she stepped down and was swallowed up into the crowd. Izzie, George, and Alex were all frozen in their spots, but Meredith knew that seconds made the biggest difference. She was immediately flagged over by an EMS worker and a Red Cross Volunteer. She worked on patient after patient and quickly lost track of how many she'd seen. There were just so many people injured and bleeding. After placing a chest tube in a woman, Meredith looked up at see a blonde haired little girl crying a few feet from her.

"Is this your mommy?" she asked delicately as the EMS team took the woman away. People were passing them by, but Meredith crouched down in front of the little girl and smiled.

"Okay, can you tell me who you were with?"

The little girl continued to cry and the moment Meredith stepped back, the little girl latched onto her coat. Meredith didn't fight her. She understood the girl's fear of being abandoned and she let her hold on. Like a leech, the girl didn't let go. Moving to help other, the girl held onto her waist and Meredith did her best to work around her. Two patients later, she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

"Meredith!"

Looking over her shoulder, she was surprised to see Derek standing in his scrubs and a jacket identical to hers. He was walking with a patient and she moved to follow him.

"Get this man to a hospital, he needs a CT, and make sure to keep his neck stable," Derek order as a second patient came to him. "Meredith, I need an extra hand."

Shaking her head, she held down the bandage for him to tape and he smiled at her.

"Any update to the baby?"

"None," she said quickly. "Is that it or do you need me?"

"I just wanted to know," Derek smiled. "Is she lost?"

He nodded towards the girl and Meredith looked down at her, "Yeah. I keep trying to take her to triage, but she won't let go."

"Give her to one of the police officers," Derek called over his shoulder as he began walking away with the patient he was taping up.

Knowing that he was right, Meredith found a police officer. Looking over the man's shoulder, she could see a person lying on the ground. Leaving the girl and the officer, she went over to him. Just from looking down at the man, she could see that he was barely alive. She knew that he'd need Derek. Taking off her jacket, she covered the man before he went into more shock. It was obvious that he had some kind of head injury. A hand was on her shoulder and looking at the girl again, Meredith resisted giving into a frustrated sigh.

"Stay back," Meredith told the girl. "Turn around and don't look."

Moving as quickly as she could Meredith assessed the patient and decided to stitch up the severed artery in his leg first finishing it. She deflated the blood pressure cuff that she'd used and reached into her pocket. Taking out her pen light, she flashed the light in his eyes and he sat up. His forehead bashed into hers and he yelled in agony. Disoriented from the blow, Meredith stumbled back into to something sharp. It pierced her skin and she cried out in shock. The next thing she knew, she was falling. She felt the cold water engulf her and she panicked. The water was like ice stabbing her skin and she couldn't breathe. She was sinking and her heart pounded in her chest as she tried to stay above the water. The salty flavor of it in her mouth was choking and she tried to scream, but it only sounded garbled. She couldn't breathe and her whole body was becoming numb. Looking up at the little girl, she simply watched her. Frozen to the spot, Meredith wanted her to desperately scream for help. To do something that she couldn't do and black dots began to appear in her sight as she tired. It was too much. Meredith couldn't keep her head above water and the icy chill that was inside her made it nearly impossible to move. She felt so tired that she told herself that she'd only close her eyes for a second.

Just one second…

* * *

"You guys good? You okay?" Derek asked as stretchers passed in front of him. "What do you have?"

"A nearly severed leg, but the artery was tied off, so that's something," the paramedic said and Derek lifted the blanket and recognized Meredith's neat stitches, no one would be able to put in such perfect stitches during a situation like this except her. Mark had taught her how to stitch under pressure and she stitched better than most veteran surgeons.

"Where's Doctor Shepherd? This is her jacket and badge."

"Don't know," the EMT said. "We found him like this. She must have moved on."

Derek walked beside a man and grabbed Meredith's badge before the man was loaded into an ambulance. He stared down at it as feeling of dread formed in the pit of him stomach.

_Meredith E. Grey-Shepherd_

She wouldn't have lost her badge. Meredith wasn't someone who would simply forget it. He was quickly pulled into another case and it was several minutes before he could walk away. Looking up, he spotted the little girl that had been clinging to Meredith earlier when he'd seen her. Making his way over to her, he quickly looked her over for any injuries, but he found none.

"Hi, you okay?" he asked, crouching down to be at the same level as the girl. The girl stared back at him with a sad, sullen expression and the pit in his stomach grew, Meredith wouldn't abandon a child in the middle of an emergency. She wouldn't, he knew that without a doubt. Meredith wouldn't have let the girl out of her sight until she was certain that the police could reunite the girl with her mother or father.

"Did the doctor bring you here?" Derek tried again as the girl continued to stare at him, "She was pretty lady with the blonde hair like yours? Do you remember her? I called her Meredith. Is she okay?"

Slowly, the little girl shook her head side to side. Keeping himself calm was the key, Derek told himself. If he panicked, the little girl panicked and finding Meredith would be much more difficult.

"Why don't we look for her together? Can you tell me which direction that you came from?" Derek smiled and the little girl nodded. She clung to his hand and it was a strange sensation having the little girl's hand in his. He'd held his nieces and nephews hands before, but for the first time in a long time, he was acutely aware of the fact that he had an unborn child...a hand that he'd never held. Tightening his grip just a little, he pushed those thoughts out of his head and told himself he was only thinking that way because Mark and Addison's baby was being born today. He and Meredith were just a little bit more sensitive to the day and their own loss. Standing for a few minutes, he and the little girl stood together quietly.

"Just think," he said softly as he crouched down again to be eye level with the child. "Which way is she? Which way? Take your time. Take all the time you need, you're doing great."

The little girl jerked away from his hand and went running. Derek followed after her quickly and found her behind two fire trucks that had been parked by the edge of the water. The little girl stood at the edge and he brought his arm around her and pulled her back just a bit so she wouldn't fall.

"She's in there," the little girl whispered. "The man sat up and hit her head. She fell into the water."

Derek felt his heart freeze before turning around and calling for help. Several people came running and he was violently pulling his coat off. He told himself not to panic and that she was fine, but his heart wouldn't stop pounding. She'd been in the water too long, he told himself and he stopped himself from thinking any further. He wouldn't accept that reality, he couldn't.

"Doctor Meredith Grey-Shepherd is in the water. She's in the water and she can't swim," he frantically told the paramedic as more help arrived. "Get an ambulance ready to go to Seattle Grace and get help! Move! The clock is ticking; God only knows how long she's been in the water."

Diving in, Derek felt the cold water touch his skin, but he didn't care. It felt like thousands of knives touching him and he knew that he only had so much time in the water before hypothermia set in. Looking around, he spotted a shadow figure floating not far from him. Swimming the ten yards towards it, Derek could see blonde hair fanned out around her like a halo. She looked like she was sleeping, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly parted. Grabbing hold of her waist, he kicked as hard as he could to the surface and took a gasping breath of air once his head was above the water. Swimming towards the edge, two men above helped to pull her out of the water and onto a stretcher. They began cutting away her bloody scrubs, stripping her down out of the wet clothing. Warm blankets were wrapped around her and Derek felt her neck for a pulse.

"I don't have a pulse. Take us to Seattle Grace, now!" He barked to the paramedic. The man rushed around the ambulance and started the rig immediately as the second paramedic helped him to load Meredith into the back of the ambulance. Pushing the blankets away so that he could see her chest, Derek checked for a pulse one last time before he leaned over her body and began CPR. He heard the bones cracking in her chest when he began compressions. Within a minute, they were moving. He could hear the sirens and one of the paramedics calling in that they had a Jane Doe coming in that was hypothemic and unconscious. Derek barked at the paramedic to add more blankets and the young man wrapped them around her figure as best he could. Derek prayed to God silently that she would be alright. Meredith had to be alright. So many people loved her and she couldn't be gone.

"She's gone, sir," the young paramedic said. "You can stop, she's gone."

"She's not gone until a doctor declares time of death," Derek snapped. "She's not gone until we've done everything to save her. She's not gone!"

He didn't stop CPR. Derek refused to believe it and told the man to shut up and start an IV, before they put an E.T. tube in. They had to do everything to save her. Meredith wasn't gone.

She was his whole life and she wasn't gone.

* * *

Bailey was the one who opened the doors.

Derek was so intent on keeping Meredith alive that he didn't care what anyone else said. He didn't answer Bailey's questions about how long she'd been down. He didn't know and he didn't care.

Meredith was alive.

She'd make it through this. If she could make it through months and months of the shit he'd tossed her way, she could live through this. A trauma bay was opened and a path miraculously appeared for them as staff pushed others back. These people knew that they were trying to save their own and they'd do anything to save Meredith. Derek never stopped giving compressions as Bailey and a team moved him and Meredith to the bay. People were moving around them, but he didn't stop. He had to keep her heart beating. It was an extension of his own heart and he couldn't comprehend what would happen to him if her's stopped. His arms were aching and he was in pain. His wet scrubs clung to him and his air was damp, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. Nothing mattered; his own discomfort was nothing to the discomfort that he'd experience if she died. Nothing else mattered in his life, but making sure that he kept her heart beating and that someone used the ambu bag to give her oxygen.

"They put a 20 gauge IV in her left arm, but I think it blew," he breathed as he continued compressions. Bailey looked at him and he met her eyes. He knew what she was thinking, but he wasn't going to stop until they'd done everything they could possibly do to save her life.

"I'll start a central," Bailey said as nurses and doctors moved around them. A kit was prepared and a minute later, Bailey had the line in and was running warm fluids to try and raise Meredith's body temperature.

"We-we put, uh, three milligrams of epi down the E.T. tube—"

"Derek," Bailey shouted, but he ignored her and kept doing compressions.

"The last dose was three minutes ago. We should push—"

The door opened and Webber walked in. The Chief looked horrified for a moment, but composed himself and quickly moved to Meredith's side.

"Shepherd, get out," he snapped as he quickly moved to take the place where Derek had been standing.

"I think we should push just one atropine," Derek said as another wave of tiredness hit him. "Before the atropine, I think I saw some activity in her pupils and I think she might have had some cardiac activity."

Webber used the moment and pushed him away and Derek let him. He reached out and ran his fingertips through her cold, damp hair before resting his hand on the top of her head. This wasn't how it was meant to end. Everything was so wrong and he wished that he could wake up from the nightmare. He wished that he'd wake up and she'd be in bed next to him, sleeping on her side and he'd roll over and hug her to him. They'd both sleep until the alarm woke them up and he'd kiss her. He'd kiss her and she'd reassure him that she was alright without him even having to mention his nightmare. Looking down at Meredith, she looked so pale and lifeless that he felt frightened. Her lips were blue and her beautiful hazel eyes weren't sparkling at him like they usually did. Everything about the situation was wrong from how she looked with the tube in her throat to the fact that Bailey had put a central line in to push drugs.

"Please," he begged looking at Bailey while he ran his fingers through her hair. "Put on an external pacer to be sure."

"We need to save her life," Weber said sharply. "You can't do this. We need to do this. Go. Now, Shepherd! Get out."

Derek stood and looked down at Meredith, wondering if this would be the very last time that he saw her alive. There was so much he wanted to say to her and yet, he only wished he could hold her and tell her how much he loved her. Better yet, Derek wished that he could trade places with her. It was something he'd gladly do because life without her felt meaningless.

"She's all I have, Richard," he said softly as tears that had been threatening to fall finally did. "She's the only woman I've ever loved. Save her, please, dear God, save her."

He leaned down and pressed a kiss against her frigid forehead. He half hoped that when he pulled away, she'd be looking up at him with a smile, but she wasn't.

"I love you," he murmured. "God, I love you so much. Don't stop fighting. Not for one second. I love you."

Pulling away from her was the hardest thing that Derek had ever done, but somehow he managed. Webber began calling out a different set of orders and the world moved around him in slow motion. Going to the door of the trauma room, he opened it and didn't look back. He couldn't because he didn't want his last memory of her being surrounded by doctors. The last thing that he wanted to remember was that he'd told her that he loved her and kissed her one last time. Sliding down the wall outside the trauma room, he brought his knees to his chest, rested his elbows on his knees, and cradled his head in his hands. The phone in his pocket buzzed and he chuckled thinking that today of all days it was ironic for his phone case to prove that it was actually water proof. It was a message from Mark and he lost it as he read the words on the screen.

_It's a girl! Meredith Elinor Sloan, 7lbs. 6oz._

Derek threw the phone as hard as he could at the wall. It shattered into several pieces and he sobbed. Everything felt wrong. How a baby could be born a few floors up when her aunt was dying a few floors below seemed so wrong. The whole world felt wrong and he covered his face with his hands and choked back a sob. Meredith didn't deserve this, she deserved to live and love and he hated himself for letting this happen. God, she'd been right next to him earlier and he shouldn't have let her walk away. There had been plenty of cardiac cases that were going back to the hospital and he should have loaded her up with one of those. She'd be safe in an OR at that moment; she'd be alive, not fighting for her life. A memory struck him hard and it felt like a blow to the back of his head…

_He and Meredith were walking down the boardwalk on at the Pier. He held her hand and smiled as he looked down. She'd agreed to marry him weeks ago, but seeing the diamond ring on her finger made him ridiculously happy. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he had never looked forward to the future like he did now. The thought of having her by his side for the rest of his life brought him a sense of contentment. They'd have a family and a house, a backyard...they'd have the whole cliché that Meredith laughed at. Hell, he'd paint the white picket fence himself. _

"_You know, I think you are my knight in shining armor," she grinned at him. _

"_Is it my hair and dashing good looks?" he asked and Meredith laughed. The smile on his face hurt and he watched her shake her head. The breeze blew the soft pink sundress that she wore and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and drew her close to his side. _

"_How am I your knight?" he asked as he rubbed his hand up and down the soft skin of her arm. _

"_You know, if I fell over the side of the pier, I'd expect you to dive in after me. I can't swim," she admitted. "I never learned."_

"_Really?" Derek asked, feeling shocked and strangely comforted by the fact that she'd told him. " I guess I'll have to teach you on our honeymoon."_

"_Oh, we're going somewhere that has water?"_

"_And a nude beach," he chuckled as she laughed with him…_

Derek heard footsteps and looked up to see Burke standing outside the door with a look of shock on his face. The man didn't look like he knew what to say or do, but he turned and looked at Derek. For a moment, they looked at each other and Derek swallowed.

"She's not…"

"They're working on her, Shepherd," Burke assured him. "The Chief is working."

"He threw me out," Derek sniffed and wiped away his tears with the back of his hand. "He…he wouldn't let me be with her. She's, uh, she's not dead. She can't be dead. She's the strongest person that I know and she's…she's not gone. God wouldn't be cruel enough to take her away like this. Not after everything that we've been through."

Burke looked torn at trying to comfort him and not knowing what to do. It was a universal truth that their wives were closer than anyone else in the hospital and Derek looked up at the man that he'd gotten to know well and respect.

"I need you to go in there," he told Burke in a shaky voice. "She's all I have, Burke. She's my whole world and I love her. Please, save her. Do whatever you have to do, just save her. Save Meredith. I trust that you'll do everything you can to save her life."

Burke nodded and opened the door. Derek watched the door close behind him. It was quiet for a few minutes before there was a burst of movement and he heard Webber calling out for paddles. Closing his eyes, Derek rested his forehead on his arms. When was the last time he kissed her on the lips and told her that he loved her? He heard footsteps and looking up, he saw Mark's grief stricken face.

"I heard Stevens talking in the hallway upstairs. Tell me this isn't happening," Mark said softly as he sat down next to him. "Tell me she's not…"

"I don't know," Derek admitted between sobs. "I don't know what I'll do if she is gone. She can't be gone."

He and Mark sat together on the floor. Derek didn't know for how long, but he didn't care. Time seemed inconsequential and each moment that passed was worse than the moment before. The worst part was wondering if each moment that passed by, he kept asking himself if it was her last. Had they declared her dead? Every time the door opened and someone came in or out, he saw her. Lying still on the table, blankets being moved around her, Burke was calling out orders alongside Chief Webber. Meredith meant something to everyone in that room and he prayed to God that she knew that and fought hard. She was one of the strongest people that he knew. She'd survived Ellis Grey and she'd survived worse than this. Meredith had to live through this, she just had to.

"Mom and Amelia are upstairs with Addison," Mark said quietly as he stretched his legs out. "I didn't tell them about this…Addie, she's happy. I can't break all their hearts at once. I can't tell them that she's…"

"Meredith will live," Derek told him with determination. "She'll…she'll make it, I know she will. And I'm gonna teach her how to swim after all this is over."

Mark gave a bitter chuckle, but he didn't say anything. He just grabbed Derek's arm and squeezed. Sitting on the floor, Derek was grateful to have the man he considered a brother at his side. If Meredith was gone, Mark was the one person he wanted because he understood what Meredith meant to him. Mark understood that Meredith was his life and that she was all he'd ever wanted. They sat together until the door opened and Burke walked out. He looked exhausted.

"She's back," he said with a smile. "She made it and fought hell. We're taking her down to surgery now. She was stabbed with something and she's bleeding internally, but she's alive."

* * *

**LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW! LEAVE A REVIEW!**

**So, ranks up there as probably the worst written chapter from me ever, but here it is...**

_**EDITED 3/25/2017**_


	20. XX: Helium

**Author's Note:**

**I'm a horrible author, but here is a nice, long chapter. Thank you for all the love, encouragement, and notes of joy. See you at the bottom:) **

**All error are my own:( Sorry!**

**H4TH**

* * *

** Chapter XX**

"…_But even Superwoman_

_Sometimes needed Superman's soul_

_Help me out of this hell_

_Your love lifts me up like helium_

_Your love lifts me up when I'm down, down, down_

_When I've hit the ground_

_You're all I need_

_'Cause your love lifts me up like helium_

_Your love lifts me up like helium…"_

~ "Helium" – Sia

_June 2, 2006..._

Derek sat in the waiting room by himself, his head cradled in his hands.

Mark had gone to find his mother and sister. They had both decided that it would be best to tell Carolyn, Amelia, and Addison what was happening. Addie was already becoming suspicious that something was wrong. Meredith hadn't come to see the baby. Despite everything, Derek knew that the minute the baby had been born, Meredith would have been there for Addison. Tense and afraid that someone would come out and tell him that Meredith was gone, Derek tried to force himself from diagnosing what was wrong with her. Elbows resting on knees, he looked down at the dark carpet beneath his feet. His mind kept going back to a case that he'd had in New York.

It was the summer before their marriage had nearly fallen apart. Derek could remember the night clearly. They'd been naked in bed when he'd gotten the page from the hospital. Derek could still remember forcing himself out of bed and Meredith's embrace. It hadn't been the first time that a page had ruined a moment between them, but it was one of the few moments that he wasn't having a quickie with her. He'd been pressing long, hot kisses against her skin as he'd touched her, urging her to find her own pleasure before he took his. It had taken him twenty minutes to get to New York Presbyterian and by the time he'd gotten to the patient, the code team had been performing CPR for over twenty minutes. The girl had been the same age as Meredith with similar looks and they had brought her back. She'd had a heart beat, she'd been breathing, but there had been no brain activity. A simple scan had revealed a massive brain hemorrhage as a result from the girl's drowning. Derek had been forced to deliver the bad news to the girl's family and he'd never forget the sound of the crying father for as long as he lived. Going home had been difficult after it all had happened. Meredith had been awake with a cup of coffee and smile when he'd returned. Derek could still remember the way that he'd lost himself in her body. It hadn't mattered to either of them that the furthest they'd gotten in attempting to get to bed was the landing of the steps. It hadn't mattered that the carpet beneath them would give Meredith rug burn on her back. The only thing that Derek had been focused on was forgetting what had happened and losing himself with Meredith. Now, the memory that had once haunted him was becoming reality once more.

Why had he never taught her to swim?

He should have and the flood gates of remorse opened. A hand reached out and touched his shoulder. Looking up, Derek saw Mark's sad eyes and nearly broke down. The waiting and not knowing was worse than anything else.

"I can't keep them from asking questions anymore," Mark said gruffly. "We have to tell them, Derek."

Nodding, Derek stood and froze when he saw Richard walking to them. The older man was somber and Derek felt weak. He sat back down as Richard approached.

"She survived the surgery," Richard said quickly and the air that had been trapped in Derek's chest escaped in long, shaky breath. Mark collapsed down on the chair next to him and Richard sat down as well.

"Does your family know about what's happening?"

"Our family, Richard," Derek corrected with a shaky voice. "You're a part of our family. You're Meredith's godfather and you've been the only father she's ever had and no, we haven't told them."

"I gathered Carolyn and Amelia in Addison's room," Mark said quietly. "It would be a private place to gather and we could speak openly without everyone in this goddamned gossip whore of a hospital watching us."

Richard nodded in agreement and they stood. Derek felt like he was a man going to his execution as they took the elevator to the maternity ward. He was terrified of what Richard would say. He knew from experience that a surgeon always gave good news than bad and tried to follow up the bad news with more good news. Now, he was just waiting for Richard to tell them the bad news and if the situation was any indicator, the bad news wouldn't be just bad. The bad news was probably horrific news.

"Where's Burke?" Derek asked as they stepped off the elevator.

"He wanted to go to the ICU with Meredith," Richard said quietly as they walked down the quiet hallway. "He wanted to get her stable as soon as possible so that a scan can be performed to know the extent of the damage. She has brain waves, we did an EEG after the surgery. That was way I was late coming to find you."

Derek nodded as Mark knocked on Addison's door before opening it. Stepping inside the room, Addison was resting in the bed with Carolyn and Amelia beside her. The baby was nowhere in sight and Derek was happy that Mark had sent the baby back to the nursery. She didn't need to be around for the conversation that was about to happen, even if she'd never remember it.

"Derek? Mark?" Carolyn said and he could see the dread in her eyes, the same dread that he felt. Richard closed the door behind him as they all gathered in room and sat in the chairs.

"What's happened?" Addison asked with a frown. "Is it the baby?'

"Little Meri is just fine," Mark said softly as he sat on the edge of the bed next to Addison. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and took a deep breath.

"I have some news," Richard began softly and Derek didn't stop his mother from grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly. "Meredith was involved in an accident earlier today."

Addison burst into tears and Mark tried to comfort her. Carolyn looked at him with tears in her eyes as she shook her head.

"What happened?" Amelia asked breathlessly. "Is she okay?"

"As you know, there was a ferry boat accident today and Meredith was called upon to respond and help others. She was pushed into the water and drowned," Richard replied as Carolyn burst into tears. "We were able to revive her, but she had internal bleeding from being stabbed prior to the fall. We had to take her to the operating room to repair the damage."

"But she's okay?" Amelia demanded again through clenched teeth and tears in her eyes. "Meri is okay?"

Richard took his surgical scrub cap off and held it tightly in his hands. Derek felt the anxiety of not wanting to know what Richard was going to say and the desperate feeling of needing to know. He took a deep breath and held tightly onto his mother.

"She's stable for now," Richard said quietly. "We had to remove part of her spleen from where she'd been stabbed. Doctor Burke was there in case she crashed and she did not. We've moved her to the ICU and we're going to do a scan once she's stable enough to tolerate the move. Doctor Burke will call the moment that she is and we will know more after the scan. Right now, the EEG that she had has been inconclusive."

"She could have brain damage," Amelia said with wide eyes. "How long was she under water?"

"We don't know," Mark answered as he hugged Addison. "But all the information points to the fact that she was probably in the water much longer than she should have been. We probably won't ever know how long she was underwater."

"She's going to wake up," Carolyn murmured as Addison nodded in agreement. "She will. Meredith has so much to live for. She will wake up."

"We don't know how long she was under the water," Derek repeated quietly. "We don't know how extensive the damage is. Meredith might never wake up. It's possible that she has brain damage or worse. I…I don't think we should be hopeful. Mom, Amy, Addison…she was blue and unresponsive when I pulled her out. We did CPR for a long time and she was down for over an hour. They spent much longer trying to bring her back than we would do for most people."

"No," Addison cried shaking her head. "No, no, no, no."

Mark was quick to console her and Amelia looked torn between wanting to hug Carolyn and running. He felt his mother's arms wrap around him and Derek blinked back tears. Closing his eyes, he wanted to yell and destroy something. The impulse was there, but he suppressed it. Nothing would fix what was happening and until they actually stabilized Meredith and did a scan, no one would know the extent of internal damage that she had suffered. Standing with his mother's arms wrapped around him, Derek cried with her as he thought about Meredith's will. She didn't want to be on machines and if she couldn't live without a machine, her life was over.

"Everything is going to be okay," Carolyn said softly to them all as she hugged him tightly. "Everything is going to be okay."

* * *

It was nearly ten o'clock at night when Burke agreed that Meredith was stable enough to tolerate the move to radiology. Looking at her in the gurney, he realized just how difficult it was to move Meredith while she was on the vent. He'd already made it clear to Richard and Burke that he was going to come with them for the scan and see the results himself. Burke had agreed and Derek realized that it out of respect. If their positions had been reversed and Cristina had been the one unconscious, Derek would have let Burke come with him to ease his worry. Richard protested, but Burke as primary surgeon allowed Derek to come. He would walk beside her bed the entire way to the room that housed the MRI machine. Watching her, Meredith simply looked like she was sleeping. She didn't look like she'd nearly hemorrhaged on the surgical table and Derek was grateful that Richard had omitted that when he'd told their family about her surgery. Having read the surgical notes, Derek was surprised that Richard hadn't simply removed her spleen entirely and to say that Burke had done little during the surgery was a lie as well. Twice, Meredith had nearly crashed and without Burke's intervention, she would have died. Pushing the bed into the elevator, Burke stepped on and for just a moment, it was the two men alone with her. Richard had decided to take the stairs and meet them at the elevators below.

"Thank you," Derek said quietly as the doors closed. "Thank you for saving her."

"You'd do anything to save Cristina if something like this happened to her," Burke murmured. "Besides, Meredith is important to all of us. We won't let her go without fighting like hell for her."

Derek nodded and Burke cleared his throat. Looking at the cardio surgeon, Derek knew what the man was going to say.

"I have to see this scan," Derek told him. "I have to. I can't…I can't sleep without knowing what will happen. I have to see the damage for myself."

"Cristina is talking about not doing the residency if Meredith can't complete it with her," Burke said quietly. "Meredith means the world to all of us, Derek. Cristina and I are here if you need anything. I know in the coming days that you might have to make difficult decisions and if you need anything, we're here to help you."

Derek swallowed hard, "She told me that she never wanted to live off a machine. In her will, after thirty days on a machine, she explicitly says that she wants to be taken off. I'm telling you because I…I don't know if I can make that call. I don't know if I can tell you that it's okay to do that, but those are her wishes and I'm trying to see a scenario where that doesn't happen, but you and I have seen cases like this before. I just never thought that this would be happening to us."

Burke nodded and said nothing. Derek was grateful because he needed a minute of silence to just be alone with her. Holding onto Meredith's hand, he kissed her head. Pulling back, he was grateful that Burke was looking away, running his fingertips through her hair, he wished not for the first time that he'd never let her leave his side at the accident site. There had been plenty of cases that he could have sent her back to the hospital with and he should have. Now, Derek wondered if he'd spend the rest of his life regretting that decision.

"Please, just wake up and be okay," he murmured to her. "Please, Meredith, please."

He straightened himself up as the elevator doors opened. Stepping off the elevator, Richard was waiting for them and helped them to push Meredith to the room where the MRI machine was. Two nurses were waiting for them and they lined the bed up with the flat board that they would use to transfer Meredith. Tucking blankets and making sure that none of the lines or tubes would be dislodged, Burke instructed Derek to step back and he did. On the count of three, he watched as the two nurses, Burke, and Richard transferred Meredith to the table for the scan and Burke was quick to arrange the blankets around Meredith to keep her as warm as possible. She was still having a difficult time maintaining body temperature, but her heart rate and blood pressure had been stable for several hours. Standing next to her, he pulled the blankets up and over her shoulder. A pillow had been slipped under her head to support her neck and the ET tube that was breathing for her. Burke checked the IV pole and the medicine bags that were hanging before checking the line in her chest.

Derek brushed a few loose strands of hair behind her ear as she laid, waiting to be put into the MRI. Her eyes were closed and she looked so peaceful. She didn't look like she was in pain and he hoped that one day she's know that Burke was doing everything to keep her comfortable. Leaning down and pressing a kiss to her forehead. A few minutes later, Burke hit the button that would slide Meredith into the machine. Both men silently walked to the viewing room where Richard was waiting.

"I still think you should wait to see the scans, Derek," Richard murmured as he sat down in the chair next to Burke.

"I want to see for myself just how bad the damage is," Derek replied. "There is no sugar coating this and I'm well aware that this could be the scan that confirms all our fears. I wouldn't ever sugar coat things to you, Richard. I don't want them sugar coated for me."

Richard nodded, "Does your family know that you're here?"

"My mother and sister are still with Addie and Mark is calling New York to tell my sisters what happened. They know I'm here. I told them that I'd bring information to them as soon as I could."

No one said anything else as Derek watched her. She was lying still as could be as if she was already gone and not for the first time, Derek wondered about what happened to a person when they died. He'd thought about it in the past, but not like he was now. He wondered if her spirit had already left her body. Did Meredith know that there was no hope for her body and had simply moved on already? Or did her spirit linger in the broken body that housed it, clinging until the bitter end? Derek had never considered himself religious by any means. He went to church for the big days like Easter and Christmas, baptisms, and communions. He always sat next to Meredith and considered the truth about life and death like any other person. He wondered if there was a plan for them all, but never had he clung to the notion of god, an afterlife, and miracles so tightly as he did in that very moment. Derek reflected tiredly that a miracle was exactly what the needed. God was the only one who could see to that and he found himself praying more than he ever had in his life for one. Meredith needed a miracle and he could hear her telling him that she didn't deserve a miracle. In his mind, Derek couldn't imagine anyone else that deserved one more than she did.

"Scans are up," Burke said and all three men quickly leaned forward towards the monitor.

"My God," Richard murmured as they looked at them. Burke took off his glasses and leaned forward to examine the computer screen. The cardiologist was speechless and just staring at the scan of Meredith brain, Derek knew why. They were all shocked by the scans. It simply wasn't possible and Richard even looked to make sure that they were looking at the right scans for the right patient.

"That's not possible," Derek breathed. "She was dead. She had no pulse when I pulled her out of the water."

* * *

_She was light and it felt almost like she was floating._

_Meredith stood in the middle of a lecture auditorium. The flowing white sundress she wore wasn't appropriate for lecture and yet, she felt comfortable. Her hair hung loosely around her shoulder and her feet were bare. The lecture hall was empty, but a few minutes later, the door opened and a young woman walked in with two young men following her. She recognized them as students from the backpacks they carried and their enthusiasm for the classroom. _

"_I'm excited to take this class," the girl said happily. "I heard that Doctor Shepherd is a very good lecturer. He keeps things interesting which is a very good thing. I get bored easily." _

"_I heard that he's a hermit," the taller of the two guys said and Meredith frowned. Others began to fill the auditorium and the noise level grew as she crept closer to the small group. Something wasn't right. Couldn't they see her? Someone should have bumped into her, but she felt nothing. She froze and realized that this must be a dream and if it was, the words out of the girl's mouth only confirmed that it was a nightmare._

"_Maybe, but don't judge, Harry. I heard a rumor that his wife died years ago. She drowned in Elliot Bay and was declared brain dead a few days later," the girl said with a sad sigh. "He's never been the same. The house he built is like a mausoleum to her. He used the house plans that she picked. Everything from the curtains to the china, she picked out. It's kinda romantic. My mom is a nurse at Seattle Grace and says that he doesn't date or anything. He shows no interest in anyone. None of the other doctors, residents, interns, nurses. nothing! She doesn't think that he's had sex since his wife died. All he does is lecture, teach, and operate at Seattle Grace as he pines away for his lost love. A sad story for one of the world's best surgeons."_

_The shorter guy snorted as he dropped his backpack to the ground, "That's pathetic."_

"_It's kinda romantic…very Romeo and Juliet."_

_Before Meredith could say anything, Derek walked into the lecture hall and she held her breath. He was older with grey streaking his dark hair. He had a few wrinkles, but nothing like the smile lines she always teased him about having. He wore glasses on his face and carried a brief case. She recognized the sweater he wore as something that she'd bought him. It surprised that the sweater looked as good as it did, but as she walked closer to him, she could see evidence that someone had sutured a few of the buttons back on to the front and it made her smile. Derek was handsome and she could see evidence that he still ran and took care of himself, but there was a cloud of sadness surrounding him. She could feel it from where she stood. _

_What had happened? _

_What was happening to her?_

"_Please sit down," he called loudly. "We're going to begin quickly. I have a lot of information that I need to cover in this class about the brain."_

_Meredith found herself mesmerized as she sat and watched him teach. It brought a smile to her face and she could see that he enjoyed teaching, but the moment the class was over. The smile that had been on his face disappeared the moment he was finished lecturing. As he packed up his things, a few students approached him and asked questions. He answered them quickly and when he was finished, Meredith followed him. It was noon and Derek had his healthy lunch followed by a visit to the hospital for the afternoon. He saw patients and did charts before coming home to the house the young woman had talked about and it took Meredith's breath away. It wasn't the plans that she'd made together with Derek. Instead, it was the first plan that she'd made upon arriving in Seattle. Everything was exactly like she'd imagined it and she spent time exploring the house. The more she explored, the more she realized that the girl was right. The house was a mausoleum to her memory and it hurt inside. __Derek cooked his own dinner and ate it as he read an article out of a cardiology journal that she realized was hers. She'd made the subscription at the start of her internship and sitting down across from him, she couldn't help the tears that came to her eyes. Derek looked so unhappy. The happiness in his eyes had dimmed and the smile that was once always on his face was gone._

"_Derek!" she yelled, but he didn't do anything. _

_She yelled at him again and even through the vase of flowers off the dining room table, but she received no reaction. It was only then that Meredith realized what was truly happening. It felt like a scene from a corny, ironic movie about death, but she suddenly wondered if she was dead and this was what the future looked for Derek. It all seemed to be a cruel, horrid joke as she watched him stand and clean up from dinner. He spent the rest of the evening grading various tests and quizzes and she wanted to cry. He looked so lonely in his office and Meredith found herself weeping and crying out for him, demanding that he stop and look at her. At a quarter after nine, he stopped and poured himself a glass of scotch. He turned in his chair and looked at the picture sitting on the beautiful wood workstation behind his desk. It was full of cabinets and shelves that nearly went to the ceiling and it was exactly as Meredith had imagined it. He smiled at the picture and she realized it was of them on their wedding day. They looked so happy. _

"_I miss you, Meri," he whispered. Meredith wrapped her arms around his shoulders and let her chin sit on top of his head. She breathed in his scent and closed her eyes. This was not the life that she'd ever want for him. If she was dead, she wanted him to move on and find joy. She wanted him to find a new person to love and have children with. Even if it would hurt to see him with another woman, she wanted him to be happy. It was all Meredith ever wanted. _

"_I miss you too," she whispered into his hair. "I love you so much, Derek. Please, I love you. I just want you to be happy." _

_She kissed his head and pulled away slightly as he leaned forward and opened the center drawer of the desk. He pulled out three letters and arranged them on the desk before setting his tumbler down of scotch next to the bottle that he'd left opened. _

"_Derek," she breathed as she watched him. The desk was cleaned and she could see the three notes that had been set out. One was addressed to Mark, a second was addressed to their family, and the third envelope was labeled as his will. Knowing what he was doing Meredith sobbed as she saw him open the drawer that was on the left. He pulled out a small wooden box and she knew what was inside. _

"_No," she cried. "No!"_

_Derek loaded the gun and Meredith violently struggled as she tried to wrench the gun out of his hands all while screaming at him to stop, but she couldn't stop him. A second later, he held the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. His body slumped backward and he collapsed onto the floor. A blood curling scream left her lips as she collapsed on the floor next to him, desperately trying to stem the bleeding, but he was gone. His blue eyes were lifeless as he gazed up at her unseeing. She was left on the floor, screaming for him. Someone grabbed her from behind and Meredith tried to wrestle herself out of their grasp and get back to Derek._

_"Derek!" _

_She wasn't strong enough as she was hauled away from him. Rounding on the person to yell at them, she stopped. Max Shepherd was standing there and Meredith blinked at her father-in-law. He looked more like Derek than the pictures had led her to believe and the breath in her lungs felt trapped. Standing next to Max, holding his hand, was a small child. She was barely two and looked just like her father. She had his blue eyes, curls, and Meredith knew without a doubt, who exactly the little girl was. The little girl's hand slipped out of Max's grasp and kneeling down, Meredith was eye level with the child. _

"_Sophie," she breathed before hugging her daughter tightly. Small arms went around her neck and Meredith cried with happiness feeling her child's arms around her. Kissing her cheeks and head, Meredith clung to her and couldn't bring herself to let go._

"_She's like you," Max smiled. "Very much like you. Looks like Derek, but she has your stubborn will. I like it." _

"_How?" Meredith demanded and from the look on Max's face, he knew exactly what she was asking. _

"_The future is never set in stone, Meredith. This is not our future. Not yours, not mine, not Derek's," Max answered as the scene reversed itself and instead of what she'd seen before, the office was different. It wasn't mess, but it was impeccably clean like the office before. The colors were warmer and there was evidence that children had been in the office. A boy was sitting on Derek's lap and together they were doing math homework. Derek was smiling and she heard her own voice calling that dinner was ready before warning a little girl named Emily not to knock over the jug of juice. She looked at Sophie and her heart ached uncontrollably. She'd seen that little boy before...she knew he was Max._

"_Go back for my son," Max Shepherd murmured. "He loves you. I love you, Meredith. It's not time yet for you to come with us. There so much more to be lived with Derek. Children, a life, love, hope, happiness…there is so much more to be had. You can't let go of it to spend time with us. I know this hurts, but you have to go back."_

_Letting go of Sophie was the hardest thing that she'd ever done, but something about Max's words compelled her to let go. He was right. Sophie kissed her cheek. _

"_I love you, Mama," she whispered before going to Max. He picked her up with a smile and settled her on his hip. The sight hurt and it like she was being stabbed. _

"_Tell Carolyn that I'm still waiting for her to dance with me to Sinatra," Max grinned as Sophie began humming a Sinatra song. The sound made Meredith grin and suddenly, she felt a small stab of pain in her side. She looked down to see what had pinched her and when she looked back up, Max and Sophie were gone… _

Opening her eyes, she was in pain everywhere.

That was the first realization that Meredith had upon waking. Lying in the MRI with a tube down her throat was uncomfortable and her hands were tied down. It was protocol so she wouldn't yank the tube out of her throat like she so desperately wanted to. She couldn't move and the noise of the machine was causing her head to ache. Lying still was the only thing that she could do and Meredith desperately wanted a sip of water. Her mouth and throat were so dry and she wondered if swallowing would help the chest pain she was experiencing. Every inhaled breath was painful and her back hurt horribly from having to lie on the hard surface of the machine. Frustration dominated her thoughts and pain was everywhere.

Meredith couldn't stop the tears that fell down her face. If it was possible, even her ears and fingertips ached. She didn't know how long she was inside the machine, but eventually she found herself being pulled out of it slowly. Unable to move her head, she recognized Burke's face first. He was standing over her with Webber. They weren't looking at her face, but they had pulled her gown up to just beneath her breasts to examine her abdomen and what she assumed to be a surgical incision. Both men frowned at seeing her condition and she wanted to scream at them to do something. She was hurting and they were just standing there doing nothing. Summoning all her strength, Meredith groaned and their eyes snapped to her face. Their eyes widened at seeing her eyes open and Burke was instantly calling out orders for a sedative and pain medication.

"Meredith?" Richard asked frantically as he leaned over her. "Can you hear me?"

She could barely move because of the pain, but she blinked her eyes. She hoped that he understood that she was trying to say yes. Burke called out another order and activity happened around her rapidly. People were in the room and Burke was demanding to speak with pain management on the phone as soon as possible.

"What happened?"

Hearing Derek's demand brought more tears to Meredith's eyes. He was alive! He hadn't shot himself like she'd dreamt that he had and she wanted to hug and kiss him. Her eyes looked above her as she silently begged him to come into her field of vision. He did and she could have wept with joy if the pain wasn't so intense. He looked horrible, but she imagined that if she felt as badly as she did, something had to have happened. She could barely remember anything, but something lingered on the edge of her mind. Something had happened and she couldn't put the pieces together. His expression was neutral at seeing her eyes and she knew that look. Derek was in 'doctor mode' and he wouldn't betray anything in his expression to her. She wanted to scream at them to take the tube out of her throat.

"She's awake and breathing over the tube," Burke said quickly. Derek looked as surprised as Burke and Webber had when Meredith had groaned as he stood next to the bedside. The activity stopped and a kit was set up to remove the tube. Derek held onto her bound hands and he watched her. His eyes never left hers as he murmured something soothing. His thumbs brushed over the back of her hands and Meredith closed her eyes, trying to relax into the pain.

"Meredith, this will be uncomfortable," Burke said quickly and began to work. Meredith cried from the pain as Burke removed the tube and manipulated her chest and neck. Her throat burned and she finally felt able to move her jaw, it felt open. The cry that came from her lips sounded nothing like her. It was hoarse and raspy with a moan. She had little control of the muscle and she was scared. A light was being flashed in her eyes and she vaguely heard Derek's voice again. She knew what he was doing. She felt him checking her body's reflexes, but she couldn't bring herself to speak and it terrified her. For a whole brief second, Meredith panicked. What if she couldn't speak? What if something was wrong with her? She fought against the restraints without meaning to and it made her feel relief. She could move her arms. It hurt like hell, but she could do it. Someone's hands held onto hers and she was forced to stop struggling due to the pressure. Blinking up into the light above her, Meredith cried even more. Could no one understand that she was in pain? That everything hurt and she just wanted to be comfortable.

"Stay still, Meredith," Richard said in the warm, fatherly voice he always used with her. "We know that you're in pain and we're going to fix it."

"How the hell did she wake up in the middle of the scan?" Derek demanded as Burke drew something up in a vial and syringe. "Did the ICU not dose her before we left?"

"They charted the dose as her being off the unit," Burke said. "I told the nurses there to give the dose before we took her down here. I told them to give it even if it was early."

He sounded angry and Meredith didn't think that she'd ever heard Preston Burke speak in an angry tone. She was confused as to what they were talking about. Every inch hurt and suddenly, Meredith felt lighter than ever. Breathing didn't hurt and her back ached less. The pain became more bearable and she realized someone had given her something. That was what they'd been talking and it all made sense. Someone's hand was in her hair and opening her eyes, Derek was close. His hand was on top of her head and she could feel his touch. The warmth of his hand was more comforting than anything else that could have been done.

"What the hell do you mean no one gave her the damn dose before she was sent here? You called and told them to do it and they didn't?" Richard demanded as people spoke around her, but she felt so light and unable to response to what was happening. She was transferred from the machine to a gurney and the soft bed beneath her made a difference for the back pain. It eased it and she would have sighed in pleasure if she could have. Derek was examining her again and she caught his gaze. His eyes were warm and she could see relief and worry in his gaze. He brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear and if she'd had the strength, Meredith would have kissed him. She wanted to tell him that she loved him and that he shouldn't look so worried. She would be alright and he was allowed to go home and sleep. He looked like he desperately needed it. She still could barely move her jaw, but she tried to make noise. The same raspy, garbled speech that she'd had before escaped her.

"She's trying to talk," Richard breathed and Derek leaned over the bed so that they could better see each other. There was something in his blue eyes that she couldn't understand, a sort of desperation that made her wonder just how bad her condition actually was. Derek wouldn't look like he did over a few groans and moans.

"Meri, I don't understand you," Derek said and she could hear his voice cracking and tears were in his eyes. "I need you to try again for me. Okay? You can do this. Say something."

Closing her eyes briefly, Meredith felt exhausted. Every part of her ached and she couldn't imagine what he wanted her to say. She moaned again trying to say something, but her speech sounded garbled to her own ears. He wanted too much, she decided as she opened her eyes again. Her eyelids felt so heavy and she couldn't do what he wanted. She heard the sides of the bed click as they were raised and locked. Opening her eyes one last time, she looked up at him and from somewhere deep inside, she found a strength that she didn't know she even possessed. Even with the pain medication, she still hurt. She could hear Burke on the phone next to the bed giving orders to whomever was on the other side of the line to give her a mild sedative when she returned to the ICU. She hoped that Derek understood that she just didn't have the strength left in her to do anything. It was all too much and she couldn't stay awake any longer. A nurse bumped the bed and pain shot through her body, down her spine and it was so intense that the pain made her tremble. Richard began barking at the nurse. Meredith felt nauseous from the pain, but the words left her lips easily.

"Ouch," she whispered to Derek before she felt herself being pulled back under into blissful, painless unconsciousness.

* * *

Meredith's only word was so encouraging that Richard had actually cried and Derek himself was still on the verge of tears. He didn't think she'd ever realize just how much the impact of that word had on all of them. Hope seemed like it was actually possible and not just something they all clung to. Her scans had showed nothing that indicated brain damage and that was a miracle. Viewing those scans, Derek had felt comforted by having Burke with him. He could easily see why Meredith had grown attached to cardio during their months of difficulty. Burke was calm force of nature and he imagined that being in the OR with the man was calming to her. Deciding not to stay at the hospital for the night, Derek had managed to drag himself home to sleep. There was nothing that he could do and Mark had convinced him of that. Meredith would have wanted him home and sleeping in his own bed, not an uncomfortable on-call room where anyone could disturb him. Burke had promised to call if there was any status change. Carolyn and Amelia were staying at Mark's house to finish getting ready for the baby that would be coming home in a few days.

The house was dark when Derek got home. Winnie was crying at the door for him and the pug barked at him as if he knew something was wrong. Quickly feeding the starving dog, Derek found himself running a shower. The pug didn't leave his side and decided to lay on the soft rug in front of bathroom vanity. Naked under the hot water, he leaned against the tile wall and his legs felt weak. A small voice inside him urged him to call Dr. Wyatt and another voice urged him to sleep. He was exhausted and there was nothing that he could do tonight. It was a difficult pill to swallow, but it was the truth. Meredith's single word had given them all hope, but he wasn't sure what to make of it. Suddenly, Derek felt compelled to sink to his knees. Kneeling in the shower, he let the water wash over him. The future was uncertain and it scared him. The scans showed that maybe Meredith had a chance of having a miracle, but maybe it wasn't enough. Regret filled him as he thought about all the broken promises that he'd left over the years. He found himself praying for a miracle again. He begged that Meredith would be alright. He needed her and he wasn't sure what he would do without her.

"Please," he murmured, his tears falling down his face. "Please save her, please."

Derek wasn't sure how long he knelt in the shower, but the water turned frigid and he forced himself to stand. Getting out, he went to their bedroom and changed into pajama pants and a t-shirt. He lifted Winston onto the bed and sat on the edge. Reaching for his phone, he scrolled through the contacts until he found the number he wanted and dialed. It rang twice before he heard a familiar voice on the other end.

"Dr. Wyatt," Derek said calmly. "I apologize for calling at this late hour."

"No, I understand," she replied. "I heard about what happened and I happy that you called, Derek. How are you?"

He swallowed hard and thought for a brief moment before answering her.

"Exhausted," he murmured. "My whole body aches from the day and I can't turn off my mind. I keep thinking about the what-ifs and the future. Meredith murmured a word today and I feel so full of hope, but I've seen cases like hers. People don't walk away from these kinds of things and return to normal. There is always a deficit and I'm terrified that she is damaged. What kind of life is going to have, Wyatt? All she's ever wanted to be is a surgeon and…God, I don't know what's going to happen."

"Derek, you can't control that," Wyatt answered. "Meredith spoke and it's okay to feel hopeful."

"I just…I keep thinking about New York and I keep thinking about all the things that we planned to do, but we've never done. We always talk every year about going on a vacation and we never do. We always talk about having a family, but we never make a solid plan. We've talked about building a home and a life and I terrified that I've lost it all before I ever had it."

Wyatt let him talk and she listened for nearly an hour before she told him to get some sleep.

"Take this one day at a time," she told him. "One hour at a time if you have to, Derek. I know that this is scary and you're worried about Meredith, but you also have to take care of you and that means getting some sleep. You've done all you can do for Meredith. I imagine that she loves you so very much and would want you to rest at some point. Give yourself permission to sleep, Derek. Even if it's only for a few hours, give yourself the rest that you need. I will call you later and talk and we can schedule an appointment soon."

Ending the call, Derek lay down in their bed and stared at the ceiling. His mind fought the idea of falling asleep like Wyatt had said, but his body was tired. Everything that had happened prior to her accident seemed unimportant.

Had it ever mattered who French was?

Had Orion Rivers really been an argument between them?

The naked pictures that had been taken of Meredith as a teenager seemed irrelevant. None of it mattered and for a whole heartbeat, Derek wished that he'd never suggested moving to Seattle. Meredith would have been safe in New York. They probably would have divorced, but Meredith would have been alive and safe. Regret filled him and he couldn't decide what he felt or thought. All he knew was that his heart wasn't in his body. Meredith had stolen it and he silently begged the universe not to let his heart be taken with her if she left this world.

Derek wasn't sure at what point he fell asleep, but he did with Winnie next to him.

* * *

Walking into the ICU the next morning, Derek was surprised to see Burke grinning. Immediately, Burke was hugging him and Derek didn't understand, but he hugged the man back. The whole ICU staffed appeared to be smiling and Derek didn't care that they were staring at him.

"She's talking," Burke grinned as he pulled away. "She was talking to the nurse last night and she's awake. I've kept Cristina at bay all morning waiting for you. My wife is determined to test Meredith's brain, but I figured you'd want to do that yourself."

Derek felt the air leave his lungs as shock overcame him, "She…she's talking? Awake and talking?"

"I can't explain, Derek. Something just happened. About four o'clock this morning, she woke up when the nurse went to give more morphine. They talked about the nurse's dog and Meredith remembered Beau and told the nurse about Winnie the Pug. There appears to be no brain damage, but we can't be sure," Burke said, the grin never leaving his face. "She's been talking and asking for you. I wanted to call you, but this is the kind of news to give in person. "

Derek nodded and walked towards the room in a daze. Burke was already gone before he could turn around and thank the man. Looking through the glass door, Derek didn't realize that he'd been holding his breath. The bed was empty, but a reclining chair had been positioned by the window and the sunshine was shining through the glass. Pushing open the door, Derek stepped into the room. Meredith was up in the chair. She was pale and looked small surrounded by pillows and blankets. The central line that was in her chest was in the process of giving her a blood transfusion as well as other fluids and medications. Her eyes were closed and her chin was resting on her shoulder. It almost appeared as if she'd been looking out the window in her recliner and had easily fallen asleep. Her chest rose and fell steadily. Derek counted fourteen respirations in a minute and he was certain that he'd never seen a more beautiful sight. The sliding door closed behind him and he walked towards her. Leaning down he pressed a kiss to the top of her head and almost cried. She felt warm as she shifted with a soft moan. Meredith was looking up at him with tired eyes a moment later. Dark bruises were under her beautiful hazel orb and her cheek bones were prominent, but she was still the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen. She looked frail, but she smiled at him and that small smile made him feel like all the pain of the last few days had never happened. He was shocked by it all because this was the exactly miracle that that'd prayed for.

"You went home to sleep," she murmured. "I'm glad. You looked horrible."

"Did I?" Derek whispered back, smiling and crying at the same time.

Hearing her speak sent shock through him and the whole situation seemed surreal. He did his own quick neuro assessment of her and she let him without a fuss. This was not how the story was meant to go, he reflected as he crouched next to her. She was supposed to deteriorate until the point where they made the decision to take her off life saving measures. They were all supposed to gather in her room and say goodbye. She wasn't supposed to be sitting up and talking one day after drowning and being in the water for God only knew how long. Yet, she was and Derek had only one answer for the whole situation.

Meredith was miracle and there was only one being to thank for such a miracle.

She pushed the blanket back and revealed her hands. He took them in his without hesitating and felt her soft, smooth skin against his. Her hands felt cold, but he told himself that her hands were always cold. They'd been that way since the day he'd met her. She'd once joking told him that he'd spend the rest of his life trying to get her hands warm and it was a prospect that he was more than happy to deal with. Meredith nodded at his words and closed her eyes for a moment before slowly opening them.

"You looked tired," she whispered. "I saw you during the scan. You were leaning over me and I thought about telling you to go home and sleep. I just couldn't find the words."

Derek shook his head, "There was no going home until I knew that you were okay."

"I'm okay," Meredith whispered, her eyes closing. Derek couldn't stop the sob that escaped his chest.

"You're okay," he whispered back and held onto her hand tightly like it was a lifeline. Watching her, Derek told himself not to be upset that she'd fallen asleep. She was on plenty of drugs with sedative side effects and she had nearly died. If anyone was entitled to fall asleep during a conversation, Meredith was. The nurse came in a few seconds later and told him that she was going to be setting Meredith up for another transfusion in a few hours. Burke still wasn't happy with Meredith's blood work and Derek asked to see the numbers as soon as the nurse had a spare moment. She worked around him and he was grateful that she said nothing about the tears freely falling down his face.

"She might want some help washing up," the nurse said quickly, checking the IV pole and all the lines that were on it. "I know that she told night shift that she felt gross and was waiting for you to help her. I can grab the supplies."

Derek nodded and ten minutes later, the nurse had returned with warm water and wash cloths. He was surprised when he turned around to see Meredith's eyes open. She was watching him tiredly, but he was happy to see that her eyes were following him. She showed none of the deficits that a person should be seeing after drowning. She had clear lungs, no evidence of anything except having half her spleen removed. Her scans were clear and Derek couldn't explain it, but he didn't question it. Any doubts that he'd ever had about faith were answered. Dipping the wash cloth into the warm water, he wrung the extra water out before he began to help her wash up. He let her clean her arms, but he held with the snaps and getting the gown of her and changing into a new one.

"My chest hurts," she murmured.

"That's my fault," Derek said as he ran the wash cloth over her collar bone. "I had to do CPR on you, Meredith. I cracked every bone in your chest. You're gonna be hurting for a while. I'm so sorry."

She nodded, but didn't say anything. She kept her eyes closed and he knew that she was in pain. Derek ran the wash cloth down over the top of her shoulder. They were almost finished and he knew that she was due to have another dose of painkillers soon.

"Think you can lean forward?" he murmured. "I can wash your back quick."

Meredith leaned forward a little, but she looked unsteady and Derek wrapped his arm around the front of her to stabilize her. He actually doubted that she should even be out of bed, but the ICU nurses were usually insistent that their patients get out of bed and moving as soon as possible. Derek wrung out the wash cloth before slowly pushing the warm washcloth over her skin. She was bruised and there was bandage covering the spot where she'd been stabbed by a metal barb. He dried her back quickly before helping her to sit back and get comfortable again. The nurse did return promptly and brought a dose of painkillers. Derek watched as the nurse slowly pushed the medication into the line before capping the hub that she'd used. Left alone, Derek noticed that Meredith was visibly relaxed from the managing of her pain.

"How are Addie and the baby?" She asked once the sliding glass door was closed.

Her words surprised him and she saw the look of surprise on his face. A frown came across her lips and she tiredly looked at him. The whole situation was confusing and she hadn't had the strength to ask the nurse last night what had happened.

"It's a girl," he told her quickly.

Meredith nodded, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she reached for his hands and he willingly let her hold them. He held onto her tightly and it told her all she needed to know, but she needed to hear it from him. She had a fuzzy idea and there was a dream…a vision of something that was just on the edge of her mind. It was frustrating that she couldn't remember what it was, but she had a feeling it would come to her eventually.

"How bad was it?" Meredith asked softly. "You're surprised that I'm talking and everyone seems surprised that I remember things, Derek. What happened? I remember the ferry boat and the little girl, but I don't remember what happened."

Pulling the chair that was close by, Derek sat down next to her and held her hands in his. He told himself that he'd be strong for her and that he'd tell her everything, but just one look at her and he couldn't stop the tears that fell down his cheeks.

"You drowned, Meri," he started. "There was a patient and somehow he pushed you over the edge into the water. I don't know how long you were in the water. It could have been a few minutes or longer, Meredith. It was long enough that you were blue and lifeless when I pulled you out of the bay. I don't know how long Burke and Richard spent trying to bring you back. You were here, but it was touch and go, like your body couldn't decide what it was doing. The freezing water probably saved your life, Meredith. You…cases like you don't wake up. I had one case in New York similar to yours and she was brain dead. The fact that you're talking and you remember names and you remember Addie's baby…you're a miracle, Meredith."

Derek couldn't stop himself from breaking down and crying. Meredith was comforting him and the whole situation felt wrong. It was supposed to be him comforting her, not the other way around. He even told her so, but she smiled at him and shook her head. Somehow, his tears stopped and Derek was able to simply sit and hold her hands. She tiredly rested her head back and smiled at him.

"I remember telling you once you'd have to be my shining knight in armor," she whispered.

"You remember that moment on the pier?"

She nodded, "Yes. Maybe the next days will get worse, but I remember quite a bit."

"Like?"

"Cristina told me that she had to tell me something before I left the hospital," Meredith murmured as she gazed at him. "I love you. I remember that too."

Instead of saying anything, Derek kissed her lips. It was a soft kiss, and she let herself sink into the kiss. There was desperation from him and she suspected that he truly thought that he'd never kiss her again. Cupping his cheek with her hand, Meredith felt him rest his forehead on hers and she wished that he could hold her. She suspected that it would hurt like a bitch if he did, but just getting to be close to Derek was enough. He pulled back from her and kissed her cheek and temple.

"I love you so much," Derek murmured. "Everything is going to be alright."

"I never doubted that it wouldn't be alright," she told him and he chuckled as tears came to his eyes again.

"I did."

Smiling at him, Meredith settled back in the recliner and let him fuss over her by getting new warm blankets from an aid. He wrapped her up as she attempted to stay awake. The aid was stripping the bed and replacing the old sheets with new ones. Derek crouched down next to her and held her hand.

"I have to call my mom and let her know how you're doing," he murmured. "I can't make a call in the ICU. I'll be right back, okay?'

She nodded sleepily and he left. Fighting to stay away to speak with him, Meredith could hear the aid humming a song as she cleaned up the room and it triggered a memory. The sound of a faint voice telling her to remind Carolyn about dancing to Sinatra was drowned out by the sound of her screaming and a gun going off. Her stomach rolled and before she could stop herself, Meredith leaned over the arm of the chair and vomited, the aid dashing to her side to help.

* * *

_June 7, 2016_

"Are they coming today?" Meredith asked softly as Derek helped her back into the hospital bed.

She had been cleared to leave the ICU only a few days before, but Burke was still hesitant to discharge her right away. He wanted to keep her for a few more days to monitor her blood work and make sure that she was recovering well from her surgery and blood loss. Occupation therapy and physical therapy came by three times a day to work with her and Meredith was slowly getting stronger. She was incredibly weak, but she supposed that nearly dying had that effect on people. It also had the effect that she was rarely by herself. Amelia and Carolyn were at the hospital often and helped her to change and wash up. They brought clean clothes if Derek didn't and they encouraged her therapies to get stronger. They talked about Addison's baby and Carolyn had moved in with Addison and Mark to help them cope with the new born baby girl. Amelia was helping where she could. Derek was with her every moment that he could be and Meredith understood from Carolyn that he'd taken a leave of absence from the hospital. Derek pulled the blankets back and guided her IV pole for her. The central line that had been place was gone and had been replaced by a regular IV in her hand the day before. Fluids ran to keep her hydrated, but Meredith had no appetite or desire to drink and she knew that it worried Derek. She made a conscious effort to drink water in front of him. Already, she could sense that going home would change dynamics between them and it worried her. She didn't want him to treat her like a patient; she wanted him to treat her like his wife. Maybe the roles were one in the same for the moment, but they wouldn't be in the future.

"They're on their way up now," he told her gently, helping to situate her in the bed with the blankets around her. A wave of exhaustion hit her and Meredith was surprised by just how tiring it had been to get up and wash up before the family visit. Both physical and occupation therapy had been in earlier to work with her and she had taken a nap afterwards, but she was still tired. Musing that perhaps a kiss would wake her up, Meredith debated on kissing Derek. He hadn't given her a real kiss since that day in the ICU and she was scared the he wasn't going to ever kiss her again. All she'd gotten were pecks on the cheeks or the forehead and it was romantic, but she wanted to be actually kissed and soon.

"Derek," she started, but a knock on the door prevented her from saying anything. Mark was the first to come in with a grin on his face. He carried a carrier and Meredith felt herself perk up considerably.

"You look good sitting up, She-Shep," he boomed happily as Addison came in behind him. She maneuvered her way around Mark and completely ignored Derek. Meredith smiled tiredly as the red head came into her hospital room. Addison hugged her tightly and cried. Carolyn and Amelia walked in too, tears were freely flowing from all their eyes and Meredith smiled and shook her head.

"Don't cry," she whispered to Addison. "It's okay."

"We nearly lost you," Addison said as she pulled away. "I get to cry for as long and as hard as I want to."

Meredith smiled at Addison's words, "Do I get to see her?"

Mark had set the baby carrier down on the floor and had already taken the baby out. He walked towards her with cautious steps. Addison guided the whole thing and suddenly, Meredith had the new born baby's weight in her arms. All the hours spent doing PT and OT seemed to have been a waste because the baby seemed so heavy. Addison must have sensed what Meredith needed because without asking, she wrapped her arm around Meredith's shoulders and slipped an arm under the baby to support her.

"Oh, Addie," Meredith breathed looking at the other woman who was still crying. "She's so beautiful. What did you name her? Derek, Carolyn, and Amelia have been mum about her name. I'm dying to know."

"I named her after the woman who saved my marriage," Addie smiled. "She's Meredith Elinor."

Meredith felt tears gather in her eyes and she couldn't stop them, "You're not supposed to name her after me! I'm a horrible example."

Mark chuckled, "Nah, you're gonna teach her how to kick ass."

"Language, Marcus," Addison snapped through her tears.

Looking down at the baby, Meredith grinned.

"Hello," she whispered. "You have such pretty hair! You got Addie's pretty color."

Mark sat on the bed with her as Addison sat next to her helping to support the baby's body. Meredith knew that she was simply too weak to be of any help, but she was thankful that no one had said anything about her weakness. Derek was already quick and protective and warned her not to push herself. Looking up, she spotted him standing near the door with a smile on his face. It warmed her and she smiled back at him as Carolyn and Amelia spoke with Addison and Mark about baby Meredith's sleep schedule. It felt like the perfect moment and Meredith realized that in that moment as she looked back down at the baby, she wanted to be holding her own baby more than anything in the world.

* * *

**Thank you again to everyone who left a review! Last year was just...I had a very hard time trying to figure out where this story was going to go with a sequel and trying to figure out what to do now that McDreamy is gone. We're going to live in a fantasy world where he isn't dead and I'm not going to watch beyond season five. That said, I have no intention of abandoning. I have a game plan in my head of where we're going now and I'm excited to share it with you guys!**

**More is on the way. I did go back and edit the chapters prior to this one so errors should be at a minimum. **

**Thank you to everyone who remember this story and encouraged me. You guys are amazing and those little notes meant the world to me.**

**Leave a review and let me know what you think!**


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